Sup3rnality

Detached. Separated. Cut off. Disconnected. Removed. Those are the words to describe how I’ve been feeling. How I’ve been acting. It’s like all of sudden I feel like I don’t want to feel. It hits me so hard, in a blink of an eye and the next thing I know I’m not aware of what I’m doing. I’m just going through the motions and don’t really register my surroundings.

That was what was wrong with me…especially on Thursday night, during our beloved lecturer Sir Abdel’s going away party. That night, after leaving the party to go home, I realized just how I acted. I was a bit off, I know. I was being slightly hyperactive and I probably said things that didn’t make sense or was just weird, even from me. You see, I have finally figured out my defense mechanism. I’ve come to understand how I response to overwhelming situations that I can’t seem to handle.

There are times when things happen and I just can’t take it. I can’t handle being sad and depressed; and when they become too great to bear, I shut down my ability to feel and to think rationally. I let myself go so I don’t need to remember what I am truly feeling. I put on a front, a mask if you will so people couldn’t see the conflicting emotions. This has happened many times and the reason why I blabbing all of this is probably to justify my actions the other day. I know I was a little weird that day and I’m sorry if I said something wrong. Just bear with me when I get like that again ok?

Well, besides that, things have been ok in my department. Not many things have been happening to talk about. I was on the PS2 all weekend. I haven’t done that in months. I’ve been neglecting it and I have to admit I have gotten a bit rusty playing Harvest Moon although I still could slay vamps in a second in Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds. Oh, and I’ve finally started Van Helsing, It’s been there form months yet I’ve never tried it. I have to say it’s a really cool game. And the best thing is that you never run out of bullets and all that. Yup, another demon slaying game for me. Hmm…and another cool game I’ve started playing is Primal. This is also a demon slaying game. Think of a more goth Buffy transported to another dimension to fight evil. But really, I find this game really cool. The character’s name is Jennifer Tate and the game has a really cool storyline. Oh, and instead of a Watcher, she has a wise gargoyle named Scree. So yeah, that’s what I’ve been doing. I haven’t been doing much. Just concentrating on keeping my temper in check. When I’m all tense like I was, I tend to unintentionally snap at people. So all I did was try to kick back and relax all weekend.

So now I’m back here listening to the annoying party they have down at the court... I don't understand why they have to be so loud. I mean REALLY LOUD. Don't they know that people wanna study or in my case, write a blog entry?

Anyways, I'm signing off. The whole tussle I went through just to use the internet wore me out. Going now.. Bye!

Ist September 2004

I'm cold
Rigid
But I could melt like snow
Cold as ice
My shoulder
Here's my shoulder.
Could you...?
Break the ice
There's not enough warmth
For me to share
With anyone
With no one
Alone
Is it warm on the other side?
I heard the wall talking
Heard the fence whisper
Of sun and stars
They thaw
Frozen hearts
Cold shoulders
Sun and stars...
What are they?
Are they you?
Are they you?
Are you true?

31st of August 2004

I have a blanket
I have a blanket that covers me
Warm and comforting
Moulding and welcoming.
I hide underneath it
From the cold, from the stares
I am naked
Not to the touch
But to the eyes
Roving and plundering
I am violated
Insults singe me to the bone
Invisible scars tear at my flesh
So many secrets to hide
Where do I put them?
They are bare on my skin
Branded like cattle
They can see...
They know where I live
I close my eyes
But stares pierce through lids
I am naked
I am bare
Not without my blanket
I'm with my blanket
It'll keep me warm
I am safe.

Surprisingly, I have nothing to say. And that’s saying something. It’s rare for me to not have anything to write about. I find it weird. Sometimes my mom would offer me a buck to keep quiet for 5 minutes. I’ve even got cello tape threats before. I know that given the right person, the right atmosphere and the right time, I can talk my heart out. And usually that leads to either someone wanting to sew my mouth shut or the person would be enlightened, although on the enlightening bit, that happens like once in a blue moon.

I guess I’m just feeling plain happy. Usually it’s when I’m sad, angry or just bitter that I start rambling. When I’m in that state, I can make words flow like water either on pieces of paper or on the screen of a monitor in time to the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard. But it seems that I am neither sad nor angry so I have nothing in particular for me to rant about.

By the way, I am currently reading this book called Fugitive Pieces by Anne Michaels. I have to say that this is really a breathtaking book. I mean it. Excuse my clichéd words used to describe it but I really can’t find other words. The flow of the prose is beautiful. It’s like reading poetry in prose form. I love the imagery she provides in the book. Every feeling is made substantial as if you can use all your senses to relish it. I may have not finished the book just as yet, but already I rank it as one of my favourite books. Reading this brings out the poet in you. The words that are in this book inspire the mind to write. You can’t help but want to pick up a pen and try to imitate the lyrical beauty of the story. I like this particular phrase: Sometimes the body experiences a revelation because it has abandoned every other possibility. I think that line is just so beautiful… But there are lots of other lines. All mind bending, soul searching; but to mention it here would take away what makes it so special. You have to read the book to understand why such is said.

The story is about a boy who survived the Holocaust. The entire story is about his life after the Holocaust and his search for his sister. He never knew whether his sister lived or died so he often wondered of her fate. You-Know-Who-You-Are, I know that if you’re reading this, you’ll start accusing me of being Pro-Jews and that you’ll call me and tell me that I’m a Jewish spy here to infiltrate the Holy Grounds. But I really do like reading books and watch movies or documentaries on the Holocaust. There’s nothing wrong with that. I know that I’m a Muslim and that they are Jews but Islam doesn’t promote hatred. So You-Know-Who-You-Are, I don’t see why you call me an Israeli spy.

Anyways, get this book. Seriously. You won’t regret buying this. Well, even if you do, that’s not my problem. As usual, I get my books from Payless Books where the books are so much cheaper. And of course, the best thing is that you can just pick a book at random and not feel guilty for splurging money on a book. I mean, if you were in MPH or Kinokuniya, you really have to choose your book carefully cos one book itself costs a bomb. But for me, I just stroll into Payless and grab whatever book I want. For you people who don’t know what shop in the world is Payless Books or have never entered Payless, I pity you. Especially if you’re the readalot kinda person. This shop is Heaven. I can stay in there for hours at a time. Sarah and me are Payless experts. I can tell you the genres available and where each section is. I can also tell you which Payless has the best choice of books and which Payless not to go to. But back to what I was saying, get that book: Fugitive Pieces by Anne Michaels.

Hmmm…I was passing by the bathroom just now and I just couldn’t believe my eyes. You know, the bathroom in my college has several sections. The outer section has a sink meant to for washing dishes and hands and there’s also a water cooler. Then there are 2 sections where they provide a big sink for you to wash clothes, and then there are the taps where you take your air sembahyang or ablution, there are sinks along with huge mirrors to wash your face and brush your teeth, there are the toilets, and of course the shower cubicles. With all these specific sections for every use, why in the world of UIA does this particular girl like to shower by the sink??? You see, almost everytime I pass by the bathroom around 6pm or so, there’ll be this girl wrapped in a kain just selambe mandi right in front of everyone. I know that she is quite amply covered but still… There’s a shower cubicle provided! And it’s not like it was full or anything! She just stands there and shampoos and scrubs for all to see. I mean, I just can’t see why she has to bathe there. It seems like a whole lotta inconvenience. Why take the trouble to use energy to lift a bucket of water onto your head when there’s a shower there for you to use where you just have to stand under it??? Why why why? I just don’t get it… The only explanation I can come up with is that she’s claustrophobic… If that’s true, I wonder how she goes to the toilet then?

Hmmm. I’ve finally figured out how the Holy Grounds is gonna exterminate us: Death by Nasyid. Yup, you read right. We’re gonna be killed slowly by nasyid. You see, they play it at the most inappropriate times. Right in the afternoon when you’re tired and want to have a short snooze and every morning starting at 7am until 8am. And it’s so LOUD! God, don’t they think. We get tired and we need rest between classes. Can’t they respect that? Seriouly, it’s so annoying. I know it’s nasyid and all that, it’s suppose to be good. But when you blare it on the speakers at such and inane time, they’ll only get cursed rather than blessed. So don’t be surprised if one day I get admitted to a mental ward or just die from such a torture.

So, well, that’s it. That’s all I have to say. Bye everyone… Have a safe weekend all. Don’t go hitting people with cars or run around in the nude during the night or sing at the top of your lungs along the corridor while doing a silly dance or run full speed into a wall or perve on fictional characters. All those and more could lead to serious injuries… Believe me. Hehe….bye people. Love ya all!

“What can I tell you baby? I’ve always been bad…”-Spike in Fool for Love, Season 5, Episode 7

That’s exactly what I’ve been for the past few weeks… I’ve been bad. I mean, the weeks have been a bit too innocent. Well, not innocent in the sense where nothing has been happening. I mean, besides me and Fizzy’s “sudden horny-ness” as Sarah has claimed, there have been things; it’s just that the things just don’t pass the bad test. So, come on, I had to do a little something at least.

So you see, one fine day, Fizzy, Sarah and me were just a-walking on the Holy Grounds with nothing in particular to do. We passed by the IRKHS Department and me, with my eyes always sharp to spot the slightest of potential-trouble-thingies, spotted one of those, well, thingies. Whaddaya know? It was a matric card gone astray; probably dropped by a careless owner. Being me, I just had to pick it up… And since Fizzy is somewhat of an illegal immigrant on the Holy Grounds, I showed her the card. Hehe... so of course we peeled of the semester sticker to make Fizzy ‘legal’… Oh, by the way, let me set things straight here; Sarah the oh-so ‘innocent’ one did not participate in the violation of this poor ol’ matric card. She was merely a spectator who was there with us. Although she did provide me with the idea to clip the matric card high up in the tree like a Christmas Tree ornament. As you can see:

[As you can see....here's the glorious card]

Hahaha….so that has to pass for something right? I mean, it’s been a boring month… I should be entitled to a little badness. Of course, I have to owe my badness to my mentor Hamzah. According to him, “UIA will never cleanse me from sitting behind him in Form 5”. Yup, just have to owe it to him.

Yeah, I guess I’ve been missing old times… All of sudden I’ve realized just how long ago I’ve actually spent quality time with my friends. Just how long ago I’ve seen all this dudes and duddettes…Well, but then again, with the stupid move to Seremban and all; I can’t really help it. If not I’ll be hanging around in Secret Recipe, McDonald’s or The Italian Kitchen just catching up with the going-ons in my friends’ lives.

I miss my school friends mostly; never mind the fact that I couldn’t care less about my old school. I’m just so darn relieved that I’m out of there… Well, it’s been yonks since I’ve met these old friends of mine; my partners-in-crime… Fairuz I go out with occasionally cos she’s the one who is always around. But however often I see them, I miss them all the same. Even if I never liked school, these people were the highlights of my school days, they are the ones who kept me sane and were always there when I needed to talk.

[L-R: Me, Fairuz and Iylia. Just hanging around at my house in Shah Alam.]

[One of the stupid things we did during the 6 month break! Hahah....but we had fun... L-R: Fairuz, Iylia and me...]

[L-R: Iylia, Me and Aima. This was taken in a 7-11 in Section 9]

[Fairuz and me during the ELS Retro Party]

FAIYLIN; Fairuz, Aima & Iylia… I miss you guys loads. Fairuz, my partner-in-crime back in Shah Alam; shopping together, organizing ELS get-together parties, taking crazy photos, singing til our voices were raw… We had the craziest times. Never being ‘normal’. Always doing things our way. Never wanting to conform to the ‘others’…We rocked, huh? We still won’t back down…until now. Screw all those crazy stereotype b*tches! Heheh…and remember YEAH??? That environmentalist thing we did? Whoa, those were good times. Doesn’t matter that we went through Hell just to finish up that project of ours. Playstation almost everyday for 6 months??? I sooo beat you playing You Don’t Know Jack. Heheh…Whatever it is, you’re one great dudette. Thanx for being a friend.

Iylia, I’ve known you since kindergarten…eventhough back then you used to bully the Hell out of me and I always had to complain to the teachers. It was only later that we found out we got along great despite our differences and we’re still good friends til now… We had lots of fun, didn’t we? Crazy pictures together with Fairuz, crazy drives around Shah Alam, mall hopping in Shah Alam, shopping and all that… That was crazy! Especially that 6 months gap we had after we finished our SPM? Wow, we were out almost every weekday driving to Damansara and stuff… Heheh…We were crazy right that time…? And always will be I suppose.

Aima, you were a new student in my class back in 1996… Then I found out that you were once the best friend of my cousin Wan Nadiah (who I am very close to). After that we became we started hanging out …Then, add Fairuz and Iylia to the mix, well, we get us. And I could never forget your driving… Damn, I could get a heart attack. I mean, seriously. Dahlaa you drove a Proton Waja which is super bulky that day, and you were speeding and swerving like mad. I was gripping the seats cos I kept getting thrown around in the back. Dudette, your driving is scary…And I haven’t seen you for like half a year… Miss you so much.

[My dear friend Suneetha]

Suneetha, I’ve known you since when? Standard 1 right? Man, that was a long way back…Time goes by and the then we were tossed into the same boat… although I have to say, your part of the boat was a lot worse than mine. We hung out every morning before class started, telling stories and stuff. And you were always there when I needed to talk. I haven’t seen you in a year… I hope you’re alright. Your birthday was on the 22^nd of August, happy belated birthday… I hope you had a great day. Eventhough I don’t see you as often as I want to, you’re still a very dear friend. Hope you’re doing ok…

[Hamzah aka Harry Potter aka Gorilla aka Celcom Boy aka Hamverine etc]

Hah, Hamzah… Celcom Boy, Asam Boy, Gorilla, Hamverine, Harry Potter… Man, we sure had a lot of names for you. But then, whenever you got a new nickname, I got one as well; Hermione, Lin Grey… heh, yup, you were my partner-in-crime in class. Dropping accounts together, talking and never listening to whichever teacher who was teaching in front… From you I learned that I could actually throw quite well (remember that incident when I threw that eraser from the back of the class and it hit you square on the back of your head? Serves you right…. You do remember why I did that right?), learned that we should leave the library before the school bell rings (cos we got trapped in the library and you had to climb out the window, the THIRD FLOOR window! What if you fell??? Only to realize we weren’t trapped after all…it was just that the doorknob was faulty), never to play truth or dare with you, never to play Twister with anyone wearing socks (that’s you dearie…remember that time when we played Twister at Nadia’s with Alfred and Fairuz?), and that guys could be made into a best friend…. Thanks. Damn, we had great times….Apparently, your evilness rubbed off on me… Now I’m the one wreaking havoc in UIA. Hehe, and you asked me to change my pic to a smilier one; well, I did. I hope that’s better. Oh, and Hamz, how’s this pic of yours? Good for publicity yeah? I know you’re trying to be a playboy, thought I’d help add a bit of publicity…Nasib baik I didn’t put those arrows like the last time *laughs*

[Alfred, I know you're obsessed with hamsters]

Hah, Alfred aka Fahrol. My little brother supposedly. To think that I was once thought of you as an annoying little guy who worked in the Koperasi back in school with me. Now you’re waaaay taller than me (making me feel like a bloody midget) and no longer as annoying. Naa, kidding la. You’re not annoying. Maybe you’re a pest…. Kidding again. Heh, I caught up with you just a couple of weeks ago in Shah Alam. Glad to know you’re ok and stuff after all those false alarms which made me go to Shah Alam to look for you only to find out that you were on a holiday and on the other incident you just didn’t have any credit. I still owe you a strangling for making me worry like that. But whatever it is, you’re still a great little bro and a great friend. Thanx. Oh, and since you told me that it is haram for me to take a picture of you, I decided to put pics of hamsters since you like them so much.

[All the BENdits in one picture!!!! In front of Jaya Supermarket on Sarah's birthday. L-R: Fizzy, me, Aaina, Zeph, Sarah, Liyana, Julia and Anis]

[At Times Square. We had great fuun on all the rides! L-R: Fizzy, me, Aaina, Sarah, Zeph and Julia]

[Our drama presentation: LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD!!! With me starring as Little Red Riding Hood! Top, L-R: Sarah, Aaina, Lina and Julia. At the bottom is me and Anis. We had fun eh?]

[Zeph's surprise Birthday party! This is us with our cute little Poetry lecturer Miss Adibah at the LP]

[This is us with our beloved Prose Lecturer Sir Abdel who'll be leaving soon. L-R: Fizzy, Liyana, Zeph, Julia and Anis. And of course Sir Abdel]

[L-R: Me, Zeph, Julia and Sarah in OU]

[L-R: Anis, Ash, Julia, Sarah and Fidzy. At the bottom is Liyana and Zeph sticking out her tongue. This in Poetry Class AX 201]

[L-R: Zeph, me, Sarah and Aaina. Having a drink in Amcorp, we watched Ju-On after this]

[Me and Sarah getting geeky]

And last but not least, my fellow BENdits (Fizzy, Sarah, Zeph, Julia, Anis, Liyana and Aaina) whom I met on the Holy Grounds of UIA (I know I said school friends but UIA is a school, well, sort of, and I haven’t seen most of you since forever). Who would have thought that I’d find great friends there? I thought the only people I’d meet there would be a bunch of heavy religious people who don’t know how to have a bit of a laugh every now and then. But there you guys were… It was all fate. Me turning around to ask Julia

something and deciding to talk to her then follow her to the LP (Lepak Place) where I then met Zeph and Liyana. Then after sitting in class with Julia, I met Sarah and Aaina. Then when walking around with Julia, we bumped into Anis and we started talking. Lastly, after getting a bit scared of Fizzy in poetry class, I got to know her better after grouping up for our Poetry assignment. You guys kept me sane on the Holy Grounds. You guys were there whenever I needed someone to talk to or to have a laugh with. We had great times, huh? Cutting class to go watch a movie, hanging out at the LP, our trips to 14, gossiping and creating noise in class, silly presentations and everything else. You guys are great. Damn I miss all those. Now Julia and Zeph have both left UIA and Anis is in the main campus. I see Fizzy and Liyana only once in a while. Even Aaina I get to talk to only during class or when we happen to meet. Well, at least Sarah is my roomie and partner-in-crime in shopping. May we raise Hell on the Holy Grounds of UIA.

Whatever it is, I miss all of you guys loads! I mean it. I’m sorry if I didn’t mention anyone else. But you guys know who you are laa… If you call yourself a friend of mine then I miss you all the same. And I love all of you a lot. Take care and keep in touch!

[Ugh...he's just a pathetic basketball player in the movie. For like 10 seconds!]

Oh, and before I go… Check out this picture! I was watching the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie which came out in 1192 and guess who I saw in it? Yup, it’s Ben Affleck. Well, I think it’s him… His name didn’t even come out in the credits! And he was there for only 10 seconds or so. How sad. But I really do think it’s him. Like come on, look! Who else has that face??? Hehehe… to think that now he’s a bloody millionaire!

Okie dokie people...I'm done. Bye!

Is it too much to ask to be able to go on with my life without having to look back and ponder what-ifs and cry? Why does the past haunt me endlessly? And worse of all, why do I still cry?
Why do I still cry for ghosts whom have long ago left their haunts and wander somewhere else? Why do I cry their loss? Why should I? Why why why? When these ghosts have already forgotten that part of their once-before life?

I woke this morning from a wonderful dream I would have rather not have. It reminds me of what I can't have, what I lost, what will never be. And it was so vivid that Sarah said I was laughing and stuff in my sleep. I was so happy yet so sad. I wanted cherish that supposed incident forever... But I woke up to find out that it wasn't real. Not at all... It was just a dream. Only a dream... It only happens in dreams...

I can't get it out of my head. I can't... I just can't.

I'm sorry for being weak. I'm sorry for even feeling this. Damn it, why should I even feel this? I shouldn't. I promised myself that I wouldn't. But I miss you. Forgive me for that.

It’s Thursday again, and the knowledge itself gives me an immense sense of relief. I get to go home today and get away from this God-forsaken place. But best of all, I get to watch Buffy tonight (Yaaay, I get to watch Spike!)!!! Tonight’s episode is “First Date” where Buffy goes out on a date with Principal Wood and Xander goes out with a dudette he met at a hardware store or something. Later they find out that Principal Wood’s mom was actually a slayer (the one Spike killed in the train) and that (as usual) the dudette Xander went out with (which is played by Ashanti, by the way) is actually a demon. Hehehe…I so can’t wait.

Ok, so enough with the Buffy speak…*Sigh* I’ve been a bit tired lately. Not the physically, I-want-to-sleep-now type of tired. It’s more of the mental kind; the kind that drives you crazy cos there’s all these thoughts in your head that you can’t get out and it makes you toss and turn in your sleep… That’s the kind I mean. The thing I’ve been getting tired of are the people who think they know me but actually don’t. I’ve come to realize that there are quite a number of these people.

I’ve never realized their existence, or maybe I have; it’s just that I’d rather pretend I don’t hear them and overlook the entire matter. But I guess I’ve let them off too easy. Now they think it’s ok to talk however they want to me, whether rudely or sarcastically, thinking I would find them funny when it’s at my expense; just cos they think I’m so easy, such a pushover, so laid-back cos I hardly ever get mad; just cos they think I’m their “friend”, they can treat me however they want and I’ll always be ok with it cos they are my “friend”. I have feelings too people. Just cos I’m very lenient and don’t hold any grudges or hard feelings against anyone doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt by words or remarks or don’t get angry altogether. It’s just that I choose to think that people don’t really mean it and that it is a slip of the tongue. But then again when you say it over and over again like a broken record, trying to bring me down, how can I say that it is a slip up?

I’ve always had this problem… Where people say, “Oh, Hazlin’s a very nice person. She NEVER gets angry.” I get that a whole lot. And it tires me. Back in school people will ask me for help with work, usually it would be about their English homework and I’ll help out the best I can. Yes, I always help, no matter if I’m busy or not at that time. And it’s not cos I’m being insincere about the help I gave that I am saying this, it’s just that when *I* ask for help, especially in Accounts, they would say they’re busy or they don’t know and ask me to ask someone else when in truth they have finished that particular exercise and just can’t be bothered to share. Well, I dropped Accounts later; but not without shedding light on something: now I know who my real friends are.

And back to what I said about bringing me down with words; yeah, I’ve been getting tired of getting that from people. They make me feel worthless. I may be hard to anger or hard to displease, but if there’s one thing that gets me down instantly is being put down, looked down upon, and made insignificant. Whether some of you people meant it as a joke, all I’m saying is that think before you actually say them. How would you feel if I actually said to you? Repeatedly at that. Wouldn’t you be offended yourself if I were to say the same thing about your family? Don’t you ever think that before you say anything? Or are you the kind of person who only thinks of him or herself and couldn’t give a damn about other people’s feelings?

I don’t want to be angry. I don’t like being angry. But sometimes some people just ask for it. I am not a subject for ridicule so you’ll feel better about yourself. And even if you have to do it, keep my family out of it. It’s enough that you make me feel like some uneducated bitch from the other side of the universe; do you have to insult my family as well? And to make it worse, these people who say this are my friends. Heck, if that’s the case, I have more respect for the Bitch(es) on Patrol™ then.

I understand that some people say these things to feel good about themselves. And I also know that some people say it without realizing that it is an insult; and even if they do know, they think it’s ok to say it thinking that I’m so nice, I wouldn’t get offended or that I’ll laugh along just cos they’re my friend and that I’ll never be cross with the. Bull.

That’s why I can’t wait to go back for the weekend. Although it’s only for 3 days, it’s enough time to make me feel ok again and ready to face another mentally-trying week on the Holy Grounds of the Hellish Grounds.

So to all you people, friends, supposed friends, people who don’t like me (cos well, I don’t have any enemies. and even if I do, it's cos they don't like me. So that's their problem) and strangers alike; have a safe (Fizzy, when I say safe, for you, I know it can mean a thousand other things) weekend. Love you all.

Love, LinZy.

If opportunity knocks, is it ok to hesitate to open the door? Or are we to open the door without a moment’s thought? But then again, maybe the precise word is not “opportunity”. I think it’s more like a second-chance, a second chance to do something over again. Must I just welcome it in without even thinking whether this “second-chance” is still needed, whether it is still welcome? It’s confusing. Second-chances usually have a shelf life…

When I say second-chance, I mean it in a way that you are given a second-chance to experience something again; to experience again something which you have lost. I don’t mean it in a way that you are able to go through something again so you can correct your past mistakes. So…would you take this “chance”?

No, it’s not that I am given this option… I was just pondering this idea. The thought just made itself apparent in my mind and it made me think, it made me wonder. It’s just that I have been waiting, no, hoping that this chance would come along; but now I wonder whether I still want it. Somewhere in me, there’s this wonder that makes me long for the chance to relive a certain lost portion of last year in a different way. But another part tells me that I no longer need this chance to reach a sorta finality.

It’s just confusing… And eventhough I do not want to because it is absolutely pointless; I wrestle with these two separate opinions. I am not in need of a particular choice. It’s just my thoughts going wild. And yet I still have to torture myself with these thoughts… *sigh*

Anis’ birthday was on the 9th of August on Monday… I wanted to post an entry sooner dedicated to my dear friend Anis on her birthday but well, due to my Dad’s procrastination in getting a phone line and a net connection, I am netless for a week. And I so wanted to send an e-card or something… But I manage to send her an SMS though. I hope that makes up for it Anis… So, I know this is like super late to write but what the heck? HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY ANIS!!!! Love you loads! I’ll see you soon ok? *Hugs and kisses*

Ugh….2 more months and I am out of this Hellhole aka Holy Grounds aka UI…. Well, you know the rest. I just can’t wait. Well, Gombak is another thing altogether but at least the place there is more liberal. I don’t think they’ll treat us like inmates there…

Actually, besides that stupid piece of mind-confusing thought I had that disturbed my already quite disturbed thoughts, there has been nothing on my mind. Well, there is that nagging at the back of my head telling me to start on my BTQ assignment, but that doesn’t count. Procrastination is an acquaintance of mine. When we’re hanging out, I do his biding; which is like nothing.

So, what has been on my mind? Hmm…… I’ve been listening to these following songs excessively for reasons unknown:

1.“Broken”- Seether feat. Amy Lee
2.“Pretty Good Year”- Tori Amos
3.“Hold On”- Sarah McLachlan
4.“I Shall Believe”- Sheryl Crow
5.“Always”- Bon Jovi
6.“You Belong To Me”- Jason Wade
7.“Nothing I’ve Ever Known”- Bryan Adams
8.“Fallen”- Sarah McLachlan
9.“Write Me A Song”- Edwin McCain
10.“Song To Sing”- Hanson

These songs are practically on permanent repeat, especially Hold On. I guess it’s just comforting. All these songs are of the easy listening variety. Hopefully I didn’t make the neighbours crazy with my sometimes off-key singing way into the night until…well, 5am or so. Hey, I am not that bad at singing you know. It’s just that I can’t reach the high notes when singing Sarah Mclachlan’s songs. But I do have a trophy to prove that I could sing to save my life *blushes*. Man, I still can’t believe I did that singing thing in front of my entire school 5 years ago… Heheh, Ayus, if you’re reading this: remember all that singing practices we used to do at my house? And then we actually sang! Song to Sing by Hanson… Remember how I kept forgetting the second verse, the one where I had to do solo? You wrote the lyrics on both my arms and I had to hold my arms out to keep from mucking up the lyrics. Hahah…those were the days. We were known as the Hanson girls after that…

Did I have a good holiday? Well, so-so. I caught up with my sleep, I finished doing some computer assignment thingy I had, listened to my CDs in the comfort of my house and my “casual” clothes, and watched ALL my BUFFY DVDs… Well, not all, just certain episodes of certain seasons.

What else? Oh yeah, played “You Don’t Know Jack” on my com repeatedly. I recommend this PC game to all of you guys whom have been “well-informed” since a very young age due to excessive reading or excessive exposure to the real world. It’s a gameshow type of game where you have to answer some trivia questions which are either lewd on its own, or is just asked in a dirty manner. This question I got, I had to categorize these name of toys as either children’s toys or well, uhh… the-opposite-of-children’s toys. And I got it all correct… Oh, come on, I’m not as perverted as you think. I *happen* to get it all correct. Besides, the names were so obvious… As if some sicko would name a child’s toy--- Uhh, I think I’d better stop.

And besides that, nothing else. No shopping, no hanging out, no excursions or what not. But it’s ok with me. I prefer just chilling at home. Just me in a tank top and shorts and there’s no need to get worried that some sexually depressed (excuse the term) woman from the college’s office would come up to me and start lecturing about the proper attire in the college… Yes, non-Hellish Grounds citizens, no tank top or shorts allowed; even if you’re just gonna wear it to bed. I dunno whether it applies to the guys, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it did.

Hmm…I seem to be obsessed with quite a number of things these days… I just realized that. A few of these things are:

1.“Glow” perfume by J-Lo (I love this perfume…me and my mum practically fight over the tiny bottle that I have)
2.Cadbury’s Picnic Chocettes (the absolute YUMMM!)
3.Clothes that have strings or that which require tying
4.Buffy, Angel & SPIKE (so what else is new?)
5.Justea with Aloe Vera

Heheh…I did hang out after all (this portion of this entry was added later). I dropped by Shah Alam before I came here to the HGs so I managed to get in touch with some old friends of mine. I hung out with Fairuz and Nasyrah in Shah Alam Mall, catching up on stuff. Yup, us three Hanson Girls… Yeah, I sung with them those 5 years back… heheh… I haven’t met up with Nasy for over a year. It’s good to see her again. And after that, after Fairuz and Nasy left, I met up with Alfred. Yup, I haven’t seen that dude in months. It was good to catch up on things. Just to know what’s been going on, what’s new and all the other things I do not know… I had a great time meeting up with old friends. Too bad Iylia couldn’t come with us. Heh, I’ll see her some other time then. Anyways, thanx for the great time guys. I miss you guys loads.


*Sigh* Back on the Hellish Grounds I am. It brings relief and tiredness at the same time. Tiredness because of the stupidity of the entire place and of certain people; and the relief comes from the knowing that I have to endure this place for just another 2 moths. And then it’s freedom… Well, not really… but I’ll take whatever’s better than this. Gombak is surely better than this.

I’m slowly going more and more insane staying in this place. Last last week I spent almost 2 hours in the corridor outside my room singing and jumping around at 2am. Sarah was laughing her head off in the room and I was knocking the door repeatedly, each time pretending to be someone else. I even raced her to the room from the 4th floor at 1am... Damn, this place is consuming my brain. I don't recall being this retarded sometime back...

So okie dokie then… here is where yours truly will sign off. Love all of you guys (whom I know)…. Take care!

On this same date, 5th of August, last year, 2003, a traumatic incident scarred Julia, Sarah, Lina and me… WE GOT STUCK IN THE BLOODY SCIENCE BUILDING LIFT!!! We were happily talking in the lift after Arabic class as it started to descend when it suddenly stopped, right in between two floors. We really panicked; especially Lina who started screaming for help. The guys who were still on the top floor peered at us from the upper floor of the 2 floors we were stuck between; and they were snickering at us. I was quiet at first, trying to figure out how in the world we were gonna get out of that predicament when the lift started to plunge quite fast to the bottom. At that moment I really thought we were done for cos, well, falling from that height…surely the impact would be fatal. So, Julia gave her phone to me (cos well, knowing me, I almost never have enough credit) and I dialed the number that was under the logo of the lift company. While I was trying to be calm and explain the situation we were in, the lift suddenly started to slowly and normally move downwards and opened its doors on the ground floor where Anis was laughing her head off. We shaken and relieved came out of the lift and at first were trembling; then we looked at each other and laughed like a bunch of crazies together with Anis. And then, Julia said “God was trying to tell me something” and we laughed more… Now, one year from that incident, I’m happy to say that we still are very much alive and kicking and Julia is another year older. Yes, the incident with the lift happened on Julia’s birthday. And she’s probably reading this and laughing remembering that silly day we had. And with that I want to wish you Julia a very HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY!!! Cayang you!!!!

(Sigh) I have a computer exam tomorrow and I haven’t studied squat. I’m just so lazy. All I ever do these days is play lame games like “Same Game” and read Angel and Buffy transcripts. And even worse, I sleep and sleep and sleep. I just hate that. It makes me feel so useless.

Oh, but I finally got permission to go back a day earlier, meaning that I am able to go back on Thursdays instead on Fridays. So I’m not gonna miss any Buffy episodes after all. Yaaay! No more missing Spike…Hehehe… But then again, I could no longer go online floor 3 hours on Thursday nights… Don’t worry though, I’ve decided to go online every Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons to make up for Thursday.

Oh, I forgot to tell the whole Picture Taking Bangladeshi incident. You see, last Saturday in Sunway Lagoon, my dad’s company had their family day. It coincided with another company’s family day and this particular company had loads of foreign workers. So you could say that the place was crawling with Vietnamese, Bangladeshis, Burmese, Indons etc. And these people, they were snapping photos of themselves happily next to a bunch of flowers, the pool, some kiddie ride and even next to a lamppost. Lamppost? Yup, a lamppost…WITH ME IN THE BACKGROUND. I only realized too late that they were trying to get pictures of me. Even after they have walked quite far off, they were still zooming their cameras on me and snapping photos. And before you think that I’m just boasting that some dudes wanted to take pictures of me, let me explain to you why I’m telling you this story in the first place. Well, Fizzy came up with this theory that it happened to me thanx to my mischievousness. You know how I like to secretly snap photos of my lecturers that I don’t like and totally disfigure them. She thinks it’s a punishment…Heheheh…. Yeah, I have to agree, it must be a punishment. As flattered as I was that some people actually want pictures of me; I am peeved by the fact that pictures of me are in some stranger’s album…Eeeew….

Hmm….for some weird reason, the other day while I was in the car listening to the radio, I cried when “Angels” came on. It was all very sudden and the next thing I know I had tears flowing freely. OK, fine, I know why it happened, but I didn’t expect something like that would happen. Sure I get a sudden rush of emotion but usually that’s just about it. That particular day, I dunno, maybe I was feeling a bit vulnerable.

I do not like to say that I hate my life. I hate being so negative. I love my life but sometimes the things that stand in your way, posing as hurdles are so unbearable that it just breaks you. There are times when things just come to you unbidden and mar your entire day and make you fall into misery. Just a few minutes ago I received something that just wiped off whatever trace of happiness away from my face. There are just so many things up in my head disturbing me, and then, yet another comes in without knocking, unwelcomed. Makes me so sad, so angry. Sometimes, I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up until everything bad has come to pass. I want it out of my head. Out. Out. OUT!

There were more things that I wanted to say. More thoughts I wanted to put into writing, but I can’t anymore. Not now that is. The thing that came charging at me a while ago has rendered me sad and angry. So maybe I’ll just leave you with this at the moment. And until I can sort out my head again, this shall be all.

Bye people. Good luck in your COM I exam. Have a great holiday (nevermind the fact that it’s only a week). And JULIA… HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN! *Hugs and kisses from me*

I've been trying to figure out life lately... Well, fine, not lately. I try to figure out life all the time. I try to make it into something I could understand and accept. I try to make it form words. Finding words so I could turn life into something you can read again and again so that I can find the hidden meanings in between the lines.

But then, how exactly does a person put life into words? It's like putting a 100000-piece jigsaw puzzle together, especially if it's the scenery kind. The cerulean blue of the sky is practically the same on every other piece, and one can't really tell which green blade of grass actually goes where. And worse of all, when you think you've got the right piece, you would only find out that it doesn't fit. It pretty much applies to how difficult it is to simply compose life into a mere essay. Words just don't seem to do justice to it.

Hmm, I'm comparing life to jigsaw puzzles now. What a lame analogy. Well, yeah, like I was saying, life; I've been pondering it. Not too deep to the extent it hurts my head but enough to actually come to terms with some stuff I've been unable to accept. My alone time at night has pretty much paid off. Besides, don't tell me I've been ruining my eyes sitting in front of this computer day and night for nothing.

I was thinking about just how much I've changed within the time span of a year. I never thought college could make a person feel so much older, so jaded. It makes me feel as though all that time I spent in high school was ages ago in some other lifetime. Now I'm here in this bloody place of suppression and I feel like I aged too fast or something.

I also have come to accept that we can't have everything we want. No matter how much you want it, how much you pine for it, if it was never meant to be yours, it just isn't. Painful, yeah, but there is such a thing as moving on. There is such a thing as healing although the process takes time and it's not exactly easy. All I can say is, well, there's always this space kept well for good memories, for times when I need to reflect and remember...Only the good memories, to Hell with the bad ones.

I thought of how much I need comfort. I'm still stumped (Fizzy, not Stumpy ok?) by this. I know I need it. I know that it is something I am lacking right now. But I don't know how to get it, how it looks like or what it is for that matter. But this I am certain, I will know it when I see it. And until it crosses my path, I am left here to wait in vain without comfort.

I am not saying that I'm not comfortable. Believe me, I have a comfortable house, this stupid room in college is small but it's comfortable enough to sleep and live in temporarily. I'm comfortable with what I'm doing, never mind the fact that it is in a University that is prejudiced; I have a great family and great friends... But inside me I know that I need more than the tangible things. What I need is something intangible. Something inside myself needs to be comforted, needs...gravity. Something to keep me grounded; so that I wouldn't fly too close to the sun like Icarus. Yeah, ok, now I'm comparing myself to the Greek dude who flew too close to the sun. But yeah, I guess that's it, gravity...although I might just come up with another theory next week or in my next entry.

For some reason this song is on my mind, for quite some time in fact. Since last week or so. But I keep forgetting the last verse and it annoys me like mad. So here it is. I finally remembered.

"Absence of Fear"-Jewel Kilcher on Spirit

Inside my skin there is this space
It twists and turnsIt bleeds and aches
Inside my heart there's an empty room
It's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you

And I am wanting
I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear

Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In their separate skin
I make myself translucent
To let you in, for

I am wanting
I am needing of you here
Inside the absence of fear

There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity

My hands will adore you through all darkness aim
They will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name

For I am wanting you
And I am needing you here
I need you near
Inside the absence of fear

That's about all I can get off of my chest. I think I may be able to sleep tonight.
Thank you to you people who actually took the time to once again read the goings-ons in my head. I appreciate it loads. Love you all. Peace!

6.45pm, 25th July 2004, (offline) in my room ZC 209B

Sunday; I’m back here again. Back here in this Hellhole I am supposed to call home for as long as I am here. It disgusts me being here. Being subjected to their ridiculous rules, their bias judgment, their disapproving stares… I get sick and tired just by looking at this place. No, it’s more than just feeling tired or disgusted; it’s way beyond that. It’s pure loathing. It makes me feel hatred like I’ve never felt before. God, you have no idea just how tempted I am to just torch this place. But that’s another part of me talking; the part of me that just doesn’t care about being rational; and I for one would love to ignore that that part of me exists.

The reason why I applied for this place; well, apart from the fact that there are no other Universities offering English Literature, was because a part of me wanted to be more Islamic. Well, I guess that sounds pretty weird coming from a person like me with “hole-y clothes” and all but yeah, I wanted to instill something more in myself. Even if I wasn’t ready to fully surrender myself, I wanted to know more. So maybe at least when a time does come, I would know what the right thing to do is and not be misguided.

But imagine my disappointment when I came here and saw what the word Islamic means to them. To them, women whose tudungs or hijabs are not right down to their waist can pretty much go to Hell for all they care. They may not say it to your face, but they have disparagement evidently etched on their faces when they glance critically at me or any other person for that matter. And it makes it worse being an English Lit student.

You see, most people here detest we English Lit (BEN) students for reasons unknown. Apparently because most social problems are committed by us BENs. But whose to say that all of us are like that? Of course the answer is no one but what the Hell do they care? As long as they have someone to put the blame on, they’re pretty much happy. Never mind the fact that a lot of other students from other courses are screwing around (damn it, forgive my language).

The funny thing is, in Akhlaq class, we are taught the apparent Islamic way of life. It IS the Islamic way of life, I’m not questioning it or anything but it is a total irony that our ustazah could actually teach us that Islam does not judge people by their appearance and dressing and status but not practice it herself. You see, what happened was that during a discussion, we happened to object to this group of guys blaming women totally for the rise of social problems. I mean, I understand that some women are just asking for it but not ALL. Most of the current rape cases involve religious men for God’s sake. Raping their daughters and what not. So the question is, if they really are religious, why can’t they control their libido then? And besides, how can you blame the daughters, when most of them are just kids? So that’s what we were arguing about and because of that we were condemned by the Ustazah. Damn it, it was a discussion. We were not satisfied with those guys’ opinion so we argued. Simple as that. But why the heck must we be looked down on? Sarah aka Ms. Fingerprints actually got pulled aside by her asking us to leave her class. Aaina aka The Silent One was asked by her; “Surely your friends are involved in many social problems…?” It’s not right to judge people she says? F*** off.

Coming here to this place I call the Hellish Grounds, did not strengthen whatever faith I had. I think I was stronger before I came here. Not to say I am losing faith totally but to be more precise, I am have found my respect for the so-called perfect muslims waning. These people, the supposed people of God not only judge us but think they are so perfect that no one but them will actually set foot in paradise… Hmmmph, that’s where they are all wrong. They think they would, after all their condemning every people they do not see worthy? Well, we’ll see.

I guess I am just so tired of this masquerade; having to be false just to please them. Having to listen to their criticism, stomach their stares… I try my best to keep my temper in check. I try to keep quiet, hold my opinions in to avoid argument. I’m tired of being yelled at, being treated like inmates or for us girls, like sluts, I just Goddamn hate it. Just because I don’t look like their ideal student doesn’t mean that I am an unworthy student. Heck, I go to class, I do my assignments, I participate in class when I have to or when I have something to say. But then again when I do say something, they slam me down like I am an insignificant little fly.

The problem is, all these people think they are guaranteed a place in Heaven or something like that. And all the other people are going to Hell. And instead of being the good muslim they supposedly are and “show” us the right path, they just glare at you and don’t really give a damn, just as long as they are safe; or so they think. Islamic University… Wow, they are far from that. So very far.

And here I am thinking that college life would be a blast after a so not happy time in high school. Nope, no blast at all. More like an a nuclear meltdown to me. My life here is laden with lies, rebellion, rule breaking, rudeness, hatred and all the other things that never were in me before. I am disappointed in myself beyond words, but most of all, I am disappointed with this place.
I guess all I want right now is to be free of this place. I know I can’t be totally free, so what I want is to be able to take break from it. That’s all I can ask for I guess…

I’ve got another 3 more months till I’m outta here. So, for now all I have to do is be patient… Yeah right… It’s either this place will be burnt down to the ground by yours truly first, or this place will finally take its toll on me and get me into a psychiatric ward. Until either happens, which I hope it will not, I’ll just have to stay here… And go insane.

Oh God, I am such a bum! I hate waking up late in the morning and sleeping too much. It gives my head excruciating headaches, which I can’t stand. And it makes me feel like a useless bum! But due to the fact that there is absolutely nothing to do in this God-forsaken room, I have to resort to either sleeping the day away to pass the time or stare blankly at the computer, hoping that by some untold miracle, a fairy would pop out and make my wishes come true; say, make Spike real perhaps…? No, perhaps not, too dangerous. I might not get to my classes then. Probably get myself an invisibility cloak. And then, apart from sneaking out; I can raise Hell and bully the Hell out of the Cucumbers aka Security Guards or perhaps Mr. Stumpy.

But then again, that’ll never happen, will it? Fairies…just too far fetched. Never mind making Spikey real. Hahaha… If wishes were horses, they’d all die from exertion. I’d make a wish every few minutes that they’d just die… Hmm…if I did have a fairy or some other kind of wish-granting creature, what would I actually wish for?

1.Money!!! I know that sounds so materialistic but who doesn’t want a bit of extra cash to splurge with and not feel guilty for using it up all at once?
2.The ability to turn back time or just go back to reflect and see what I should have done or could have done.
3.Invisibility Cloak! Cucumbers and Mr. Stumpy here I come!!! By the way, to the people who are wondering why I call them Security Guards Cucumbers; well, it’s because they wear these terribly ugly Green uniforms that resemble cucumbers. Hence the name Cucumber™. BY the way, the name was given by Zeph.
4.Hmmm….what else? I would say I want every Buffy merchandise I can find, but I guess the cash would cover that. Oh, I want to travel the world. So, maybe teleportation would be cool. I can go anywhere without passports, or airplane rides.
5.Perhaps I would like to be granted more patience. It may sound like a lame wish, but I just hate my temper. I can be so irritable with people and end up snapping at them without meaning it.
6.Hmmm…Ok, physical stuff. I want better skin. God, I hate my skin. Especially on my arms and shoulders. It’s just so…Ugh! It annoys the Hell out of me.
7.Can I wish for a more relaxed mind? Especially now with my head all in a mess. Right now I would love to be able to close my eyes and not be bothered by disturbing or haunting thoughts.
8.I want a certain kind of comfort. The kind of comfort which can make me feel alright no matter in what condition.
9.Do I daresay that I want the ability to read minds? There was a time when I so wished that so I know what a person really needs so I could make them feel better… Now I don’t know whether I still want that…. Well, then could I say I want peace everywhere? Cos then I wouldn’t have to go through each person to make them feel better.
10.And lastly, well, I don’t have any other ideas really… Hmm…perhaps, right now, I really want FOOD!!!! I am so freaking hungry. It’s 4.50pm and I haven’t eaten since morning. No, it isn’t one of those crazy diets thingies; it’s just that there wasn’t anything to eat at the café and all I can do is wait til dinnertime.

Man, I am starving… But I am so not looking forward to ZC food cos it’s so inedible and damn expensive! The least they could do to make up for the super expensive food is to make it tastier.

And I want to get free, talk to me. I can feel you falling. And I wanted to be all you need but somehow here is gone… I dunno why that popped up in my head. That would be the Goo Goo Dolls’ song Here Is Gone from their album Gutterflower. I so love John Rzeznik. Hmm…I’m still wondering why that song just burst out of me.

Oh, I’m back again. I left for 10 minutes to get me some food. Thank God I was there in time. The food just came out from the kitchen and no one was there just yet. If not, even buying food could be a fight to the death. Surprisingly the food was quite cheap; but then again maybe it’s cos the dude who charged me was the dude wholikes to chat me up which is like- EEEW!! But an advantage at the same time. Surprisingly I actually took a bit of this eggplant thingy… me being a carnivore and all. But it doesn’t tastes so bad so, hey, I’m cool with it. But it just strikes me funny how I actually took that in the first place.

15 minutes later…

Okie dokie, I’m done eating. Now I’m really full… Well, at least I’ve eaten and I don’t have to worry about food. Now I can sit here in the room and laze about… Man, what a boring life. Currently listening to Modern Rock 2 on MP3. Right now I have Here Is Gone blaring in my ears.

Anyways... Well, I've nothing else to say really so I'll stop here. Going out with the BENdits tomorrow as a makeup for not being able to go to Zeph's going away party. So, well, I'll see you next then. Bye everyone. Love you. Take care and have a safe weekend.

For the first time in this semester I'm actually using the MCIIUM CC which is like bloody far from my college but worth the walk really. It's fast and much more efficient but it's just that I'm such a bum and can't even be bothered to walk. Well, also because I have to dress up more appropriately since guys come in here too.

I lost a blog entry 2 pages long and I am so pissed off. I was frantically looking through the computer in my room and couldn't even find a trace of it. I do recall saving it in a diskette and in the com as backup, but it isn’t there. I'm frustrated cos that's one entry which contains all my feelings at the moment. It just so happened that I had a burst of inspiration at that time and managed to write my feelings perfectly. And of all things to happen it disappeared!

Right, I'm here. Isolated from the rest of the world cos I got a com far away from the others. Advantage? I dunno... I feel like someone who has cooties or something. But then again, I'm free from prying eyes. *Sigh* I don’t know. I'm just so bloody pissed that I can't find that entry. I've done everything I can but all was in vain.

You know, I was thinking, and I found out that I'm pretty much a traditional sort of person. Not traditional in a budak kampung way. What I mean is that I am very much a person who values traditional mannerisms, values etc. I know how it sounds coming from me. I know people think it weird. But hell yeah, I like it and I guess I'm not afraid to say it. I know I may seem like city girl or something like that but really, when it all comes down to it, I'm pretty much the traditional girl-next-door, goody-two-shoes sort of person.

Hmmmm...to sort of summarize what I said in the vanished entry of mine; well, I've been feeling somewhat lost. I'm stuck with nowhere to go. It's more like I have so many places that I want to explore but I don't know which road to take exactly I can only make one choice. Well, or something like that. And it makes me feel so tired beyond my own help. I feel exhausted just contemplating it. I wish I could rest and not think.

I sort of figured out what I needed. Something I need for temporary relief while I ponder on what I should do. I thought that it might be comfort. I'm unsure of what form or in what way I want comfort but a friend of mine pointed out that it might be company. The thing is, I have company, lots of them. And they're all nice. So maybe there's something more to that. Maybe what I need is someone whom I can just talk my tension out. But then again, I do have friends who are always there when I need to talk. So I don't now really. I'm feeling confused that my head hurts.

Ugh, I hate it when there's someone reading over my shoulder. Especially when I'm blogging. Makes me feel nervous. Anyways, yeah, I think I'm done here. I'm still angry that I can't find my carefully though out entry I so wanted to post today. Okla, I think I'll end it here. Goodbye peeps.

Contrary to what I thought, the CC is full to the very brim. I thought everybody would be watching that stupid Pontianak movie. If they knew how stupid it is they wouldn't bother watching it. Believe me, it as really stupid. I watched it and wasted my cash. So I should know. And of course, being the stupid CC that it is, about a dozen of the computers is out of order. And of all coms to get, I got the one facing the doorway where everyone is standing waiting for their turn. And yes, they have free reign to read what I have to say here, which I hate. I hate people reading my blog entries I am typing over my shoulder. I start feeling conscious. So, I appreciate it *if* anyone is reading over my shoulder to please stop now. It makes all my ideas run out.

I've been lethargic the whole bloody day. I woke up at 11am feeling like I was about to collapse in a heap at the bottom of my bed. I dunno why. Probably it was due to staying up late watching that movie last night. But then again this is not the first time I slept late. So what was it that made me, no, scratch that, that is still making me feel like this. I feel nauseous and dizzy and constantly sleepy. I came here in hopes to give me a jolt, I guess it didn't work. Cos I'm still tempted to just go up again and crash into bed. I have taken like loads of Panadols and yet I'm still here.

Of all topics for me to write a paper on for my Basic Themes of the Al-Quran subject is Takaful. I mean, others got good topics like Men's Responsiblities and Earth, Knowledge and such. And I am stuck with a topic that is so limited and hard to elaborate on. I'm researching it right now while writing this at the same time. Believe me, it's such a boring topic. I just can't imagine myself writing this paper. Ugh, of all the bad luck.

Oh yeah, the story I was telling you about in the last entry My Life Without Me? Well, I'm telling you, if you wanna watch a deeply moving story, that would be it. The movie was 2 hours and that was the amount of time I cried. And that's saying something. It's just so hard for me to cry. And the last time I did so would be ages ago. And there I was last night, in front of the computer at 3am while everyone was sleeping soundly, watching that movie and crying my heart out with a box of tissues set right in front of me.

The story is about a young mother of two young daughters who just found out that she had 2 months to live. Upon that knowledge she decided to not tell her husband, family or friends. And so she started making a list of things to do before she dies. One of it is to record letters to both her daughters for every birthday until they're 18. Listening to her recording herself just made me crumble. Really, I was forced to cry without control. Hmmm...I woke up with swollen eyes today. Probably a bit much crying don't you think?

Anyways, my head's in a whirl and honestly I can’t think straight. I've been like a zombie today. My parents came over to say Hi today and I looked like I got hit by a truck or something of that sort. Hehe...and Fizzy was there to conspire against me with my mom. Now my mom is so totally gonna tease me about this dude named Alif. And I don't even like or know that dude totally. Well, whatever...

You know what? It's 10pm and I'm hungry. Probably I'll grab a snack before I go back to my room nanti. My tummy's rumbling like totally. And don't worry, I'm not gonna eat Maggi ;-p

So yeah, I think I better go. My back's hurting and I wanna get some food and have a shower. So til then, nite!

I witnessed a massacre. There was a murder right in front of our very eyes and no one flinched. No one even winced in pain. Save for me. I watched King Arthur and I watched a legend die along with it.

Yes, I did go watch King Arthur even though I said in another entry that I wouldn’t think of giving up my $9 to the people who committed murder. Well, it wasn’t my money. It was my Uncle’s. You see, when I was at my Uncle and Aunt’s last weekend, they said they wanted to have a movie marathon: Spidey and Arthur back to back. So I said ok.

Spidey was ok I guess. I always had a thing against Tobey Maguire, so I never got around watching the first but I basically knew what it was about. But yeah, it was all right. And right after that, we caught a midnight Arthur. And that was when tragedy struck.

The second the movie started, I was already criticizing it. I couldn’t help it. Mind you, I didn’t say it out loud. Of course I’m not one of those kind of people who talks loudly in the cinemas and spoil it for everyone else. Like the family who sat behind me during Spidey… Anyways, so, like I said, it was a disaster.

How can they say that they made the movie based on new archaeological findings? Honestly, they never even found proof that the knights of the Round Table existed. It’s all based on myth if not legend. As for me, myth or legend; I don’t care. I’ve always liked the Arthurian legend/myth.

First of all, Lancelot only came into the picture long after Lady Guinevere and Arthur got married. And why the heck did they make him into such a playboy? Nevermind the fact that he did manage to seduce Guinevere, he was reluctant because he was loyal to Arthur but he just can’t himself from falling for Guin. But in the movie, they did show a bit of a chemistry between them but never did elaborate. So for a person with no Arthurian background, it’ll all mean nothing.

How do I know all this you ask? How am I sure? Well, growing up with books and encyclopedias filled with these stories; it shouldn’t be surprising, should it? All my life, I’ve known the story of Arthur and his knights to be that way. And then you watch the movie that was supposed to be the movie among all Arthur movies; it seems like all that reading just went to Hell.

And it bothered me how they made Guinevere the way she was. She was supposed to be Lady Guinevere. Lady Guinevere! Not Xena, Warrior Princess. And Galahad. God, he’s supposed to be the one helluva good-looking guy and gallant to boot. Oh, and he’s mostly known for his chastity. But nope, they never bothered to make his character seem so. And Sir Gawain for God’s sake! He’s supposed to be Arthur’s nephew. And he’s supposed to be the strongest, but they made Lancelot that way. Sure Lancelot was supposed to be strong, but he was more towards fearless. He didn’t have Gawain’s strength.

Also, I hated how the story wasn’t about the search for the Holy Grail as Arthur was famous for. I wished it was that; for I thought that would shed more light on that quest for it. And the explanation about how Arthur got Excalibur is a bit different from what I read but it wasn’t really bad; so thank God. But the final straw was: WHY THE F*** DID THEY KILL OFF LANCELOT!!! He wasn’t supposed to die yet, goddamnit! He was said to die in a battle after the whole affair with Guin and after Arthur found out about. *Sigh* It really was a murder. I was seething through the entire movie. Why couldn’t they just stick to the said story? Sure they have all the special effects and what not. But that doesn’t mean that they can have free reign to tell the story. The movie behind the legend my boot-clad foot! Bodoh! Damn, if it was up to me… First Knight starring Richard Gere, Sean Connery and Julie Ormond (I think that’s her name) was ok enough. But they concentrated too much on Lancelot and Guin’s affair that Arthur was forgotten.

You know, I could go on and on and tell you about the flaw of the story. It was just so disappointing. I wish someone else comes up with a better movie sometime soon. The legend just has to be justified. And the whole Lancelot and Guin affair just has to be more elaborate. And the political marriage between Arthur and Guin just wasn’t explained enough. Poor Lancelot, they made him die. And damn, they made him so not good-looking too.

Yup, I admit it. I’m a real sucker for stories or tales on starcrossed lovers. Buffy and Angel, Guinevere and Lancelot, Romeo and Juliet, Liz and Max… yeah, all that. And watching King Arthur, besides the fact that it was so off the from the real story; I hated how they didn’t really show the chemistry between Lancelot and Guinevere. Stupid! Now I’ll have to wait another lifetime for someone to come up with a better version.

Speaking of Buffy, I went to Section 14 today. And please note that the scholarship is in. And yes people, I did but the Buffy season 5 DVDs that I have been eyeing for so long. Too bad Amcorp doesn’t sell season 2 and 3 anymore. That’s the one I really really really want. Bodo! But at least I have this one. I can’t wait to get back so I can watch them all. I just realized that it’ll take up almost the whole day if I were to watch them back to back. But so what? I’d be happy to do that. So yeah, just you wait. Spikey Wikey here I come!

Hmm...am watching My Life Without Me and I am so crying my heart out. I haven't had a good cry in ages. I started crying the second the movie started. It's just so...sad. Really, if you ever come across this movie in the shops, buy it and watch it. It's one of those life changing kinda movie.

Apart from that really long complaint on how stupid Arthur was, there really isn’t much that I want to talk about. I just finished the Leadership Training program (aka the Brainwashing Program) today and I’m dead tired. So I think I’ll have a snooze first. Till’ another time, bye.

"Snow Cherries From France"-Tori Amos

I knew a boy who would
Not share his bike
Oh but he let me go sailing
I swore that I
Could survive any storm
Oh then he let me go

"Can you launch rockets from here?"
Boy I've done it for years
Right over my head
And when I promised my hand
He promised me back
Snow Cherries from France
All that summer
We traveled the world
Never leaving his own bck garden
Girls I didn't know
Just what it could be
Oh but he let me go sailing

You question me
"Can you ride anything?"
Lord do you mean like your mood swings
Invaders and Traders with
The best intentions
May convince you to go
"They look like pirates from here"
Boy I've been one for years
Just keeping my head
And when I promised my head
You promised me back
Snow Cherries from France

All that summer
We traveled the world
Never leaving his own bck garden
Girls I didn't know
Just what it could be
Oh but he let me go sailing

And then one day he said
"Girl it's been nice,
Oh but I have to go sailing"
With cinnamon lips
That did not match his eyesOh then he let me go

*9.15am, Com Lab E*

My lower back is hurting like Holy Hell and I'm sitting on this low backed chair that so does not support my back. I'm in Lab E for com class and I am so not listening to the lecturer. Ugh, she wants to stop now. Will update later. She's gonna end the class now. Goodbye for now. Later then!

*8.33pm, ZCCC*

Continuation...

I’ve been finding solace in the stillness of the night. It calms yet also invite lots of thoughts. Sometimes I resent having these thoughts I my head; wanting my head to be unburdened by things I can’t change. But then again, it’s actually the perfect time to ponder on complex thing that I couldn’t possibly get myself to comprehend in the hustle and bustle of the daytime.
I’m back to my broody mood again. When I can find something like the grain of wood interesting. I can search for some kind of meaning to my life by just staring at the ceiling. I’m quiet these days because of that. Honestly I don’t know what I’m searching for really. Perhaps I’m looking for a way out of my confused state of mind. Or maybe I’m just thinking of what all this thinking would lead to. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m just hurting myself for trying to be the tragic hero or something of that sort of my life. Hmmph….

Sometimes I think I’m being to hard on myself for something that isn’t my fault. And maybe that is true. It’s easy to put the blame on myself and come up with theories of where I went wrong rather than contemplate the error of other(s). When the blame rests on me I can easily craft an explanation from my point of view.

Maybe I shouldn’t think. Maybe I shouldn’t psychoanalyze every thing, every word. Not everyone is that detail. Maybe I should just go through the motions and pretend that I am living.

Well, enough on me. I’m getting tired of thinking about myself and how I should haul myself out from this dark dungeon…So, Sarah and me decided to pay Mr. Abdel a visit. It’s been quite some time since we got to sit back and engage ourselves in a conversation with our cool lecturers. And so we did. Mr. Abdel has changed office ever since he demoted himself and so now he shares a room with someone else. We found him on the topmost floor where he was entertaining his son Ahmed who was cute. We talked a bit cos we didn’t wanna stay long. But I don’t know, perhaps it was just I; but Mr. Abdel looked very troubled. As though something was troubling his mind. He had the expression of that of a man whose thoughts was a jumble. I don’t know, perhaps it was just me.

We left Mr. Abdel and went a-looking for Madam Adlina. She wasn’t in unfortunately, so we made a beeline towards Miss Adibah’s new office, now that she is the coordinator, which was formerly known as Mr. Abdel’s office. She wasn’t in either, and so we headed towards the directions of our college. It turns out that Miss Adibah was in the college office signing outing cards. She was hungry so we decided to get something to eat. As bloody usual, ZC had nothing but some leftover crap to offer so we thought AC College might have something better to offer. After we got our food and sat down, Miss Adibah told us that she’s been down lately. She says that her roomie practically chased her out of their shared office. Apparently she asked the movers to just move the stuff and leave it outside, as though she was so happy to be at last rid off Miss Adibah. She didn’t give a damn if Miss Adibah’s stuff got stolen or something. As far as she was concerned, she got rid of Miss Adibah. Like what the F? I just don’t understand this kind of people. And to think you spent a whole lot of time together in that one same office. You’d think the 2 of you would achieve some kind of respect for each other. Bloody backstabber. People like that do not deserve friends. Although I do not know why she was so mean to Miss Adibah, I think it may be due to Miss Adibah’s promotion. If it is, I like to think that it’s no wonder she’s still stuck in that office; it’s cos she’s so unprofessional. People like that, I prefer to just ignore and let them stew on their own. They don’t need to get the satisfaction that they are hurting us. But poor Miss Adibah. She was so depressed that she didn’t eat. She’s such a nice person and yet people hurt her. It’s so unfair. And to make things worse, she hasn’t many friends here to talk to. So she’s stuck being sad on her own. According to her she tried looking for us to talk. Poor her. It’s just so sad that people ca be so mean. I hope that woman gets what she deserves for being so mean. What goes around comes around.

Well, this is where I’ll stop then. Too much ranting makes my head go all crazy. So, thank you. I’ll be here all week (but then again, I’m going back tomorrow so maybe next week then). Adios!

The days have passed by with heavy rain pouring without mercy. But me without many classes to attend to actually make me a victim of these showers can only watch others brave the rain and sit in my gloomy room. But then again it provides comfort. Besides the cool breeziness of the falling rain, it has a calming effect that just makes me relaxed.

Right now I’m in my room in front of the computer writing the blog entry you are currently reading. It’s good to have this computer in the room so I don’t have to go through the trouble of having to type an entry in the café while others look on. I hate it when people look over my shoulder to read what I am writing. Never mind the fact that in the end it’ll be put on show for all to read. Here I can write in comfort with my SpongeBob pajama bottoms and a tank top; no need for tudung or uncomfortable, cramped seats. I only wish there was a phone line to make my life so much easier; no need to go to the stupid CC.

I was reading an article about the making of King Arthur and an interview with Keira Knightley and I just felt so angry. I mean, me being such a fan of Arthurian legends and stuff can’t stand to watch the murder of that legend. Have you seen it or caught a glimpse of it? Look at Guinevere! She’s supposed to be Lady Guinevere, with pristine long dresses and braided hair. Instead, they portray her as someone like Xena, Warrior Princess in all her midriff baring glory and pierced navel to boot. WTF? Even Arthur is so out. He’s supposed to be much older; no, not that old like Sean Connery old like in First Knight , but someone older. Ugh, and worse of all is the guy who plays Sir Lancelot. Lancelot is supposed to be the super suave dude who manages to sweep Guinevere off her feet and yada yada yada…. In his place they get some sinister looking guy who is better off a villain than as the noble Lancelot. Sigh… and to think I was actually looking forward to this movie. They have massacred the entire legend. I thought that this would finally be the ultimate Arthurian movie but instead, they have decided to alter the movie to their own liking. Yup, I’m pissed. I think I’ll just get a bloody pirated VCD and watch it on this computer and not waste my money going to the cinema and let them make money out of it. Bloody Hell….

Well, really, besides me ranting on and on about the stupid King Arthur movie, there’s not much more I want to say. So, I’ll just leave you now with a favourite song of mine about Guinevere and Lancelot by Edwin McCain from their album Honour Among Thieves:

“Guinevere” by Edwin McCain on Honour Among Thieves

After all the corridors are darkened
When the royal crown is off your head
To your chambers I will creep
Not a word we will speak
Just love me while the firelight dances round the bed

Well there is danger in this passion
Because the king can never ever know
And on my blood I’ve sworn my allegiance
So I’ll leave you when the sunlight comes and beckons me to go

And the silver shine is tarnished from my armour
And in battle I am paralyzed with fear
And this poison in my soul is the love we’ll never know
And it finds me playing Lancelot to your Guinevere

Well and Guinevere is sly enough to steal a little taste
And her laughter it peals into the night
Oh but forbidden fruit always stays sticky on your face
And without virtue I’m worthless in a fight

Stealing little glances at the table
I feel that this is theatre in the round
But faraway chasing vixens in the meadow
Your love like wind blows right by and sweeps me off the ground
Your love sweeps me off the ground
Well now it sweeps me off the ground

And the silver shine is tarnished from my armour
And in battle I am paralyzed with fear
And this poison in my soul is the love we’ll never know
And it finds me playing Lancelot to your Guinevere.

Yup, I'm back on the Holy/Hellish Grounds. Yes, finally we have a working yet excruciatingly slow computer in the room where I can watch Once More With Feeling over and over again. Though I have to strain my neck so I can listen cos the earphones' wire is bloody short. And yeah, I have nothing better to do.

I have to hand in an essay today about “Creation vs Evolution” and I don't think it's perfect yet. But I bloody malas wanna go and read it and alter it and come back down here to print. So, I, being the lazy am gonna just hand it in anyways and totally leave it to whatever luck I have. Let's hope he thinks it's good.

*Sigh* For some weird reason I just feel so tired lately. I just sit down and feel my strength and energy get sapped slowly from veins. I don't know how. It's just so weird. It's not like I have classes from 8am to 6pm or anything. I only have 4 hours of class per week and yet I am so bloody lethargic.

Ugh...class in an hour and I haven't eaten. I'm bloody hungry. I'm gonna go grab a bite now. I'll say more when I can think of something. Bye.

It's tiring listening to a broken record. At first it seems ok to listen to the song that very much reflects your own feelings... But after a while, all you want to do is smash the record into pieces. I'm pretty much depressed myself. Even more than what people think; but I don't need to be reminded of my melancholy. I don't need o remember that sadness is there at every turn and every corner.

I pretty much like to take life as it comes and try to be positive about everything. I know it's annoying for some people to have a friend who is too perky or always having faith in everything and everyone. It's just how I live; how I make my life more bearable. Sometimes I hold back my pain so I wouldn't burden other people with unnecessary sadness. That's how I handle most of my pain. And I always look for the best things in people. I try to overlook their shortcomings and dismiss it. It doesn't do me good to put people down too much (unless they really deserve it, of course!). It's not who I am. I like to think that everyone has a reason for doing what they do. Just because it clashes with what I believe in, it doesn't mean I have anything against them. It doesn't mean that I am way superior. Although at times I can't help myself but feel like I'm better; knowing that there are some things that they don't know but I do. But I feel guilty for thinking that. Even guiltier if I say it out loud. It's against my own personal principles and belief.

Everyone is good inherently. There is no room in my heart to hold grudges. I practically love everyone I know or even knew. And those I don't know I try to understand and like. Whether they hate me or love me back; it's their business.

I am a girl with an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I feel guilty about being superior nevermind the fact that I know that sometimes that it is just the cold, hard truth. See? I'm sounding superior again. But you know what? I'm not saying that I look for faults in everyone. Heck, instead I look for the goodness in everyone. I have too much faith in everyone that sometimes I get stepped on like a bug.

Back to what I was saying earlier, it's tiring to listen to things over and over again. I try to shut it out and think that it's just something I have to accept it due to the current circumstances. But it just gets tiring until you can't take it anymore. Nevermind that I try to understand the reason behind these tirades, and yes, I do know why. But I've acknowledged it, I've listened to it, I've tried to stand it; but it's just too much to listen to over and over again. All I can say now that it is a pain in the ass and get over it. There are other people worse off.

I really really really do not need to be reminded that I am feeling sad, what I'm confused about. It only makes me sadder. And there's no room in life to be sad all the time. There must be more time to move on. And I for one am tired of being sad and reminded to be sad.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. This is how I feel and if anyone has a problem with that, well, either just deal with it or go to Hell. I'm tired of being me cos it seems that a lot of people can't accept it. To the person/people that I mean, it's not that I'm condemning your pain, but you know; it doesn't help being bitter and all. Sometimes you just have to shut up and accept it. Especially when there's nothing more that can be done. And again, well, sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh.

Tease me, by holding out your hand
Then leave me, or take me as I am - "Stigmatized" -The Calling

It's raining here on the Holy Grounds. It adds to gloom and sadness. Being here, you can't help it but get contaminated by the boredom disease; the kind that eats you up slowly from the inside... It makes it even worse when you're not exactly on your highest of highs; meaning that I'm at one of my lowest at the moment.

I feel totally lost at times. Not the lost that makes you feel like you're going nowhere. It's more like this; I know where to go but I'm not exactly sure on which way I should go. It scares me. You could say that I'm lost in a big jungle with no compass; at the mercy of wild animals. And to make things worse, there are monsters. Both substantial and the kind that resides in my mind.

They taunt me. Remind me of things I no longer want to think of. It annoys me. As though as my hurting isn't enough. They have to remind me of my past hurt and their own as well. Is that necessary? Well, I just think they're sadists. They love the pain. Nevermind if they don't see it; they know that they're inflicting it...

Right now, the biggest comfort I seek is something that I don't even have. And as pathetic as it is, I want it. Maybe some people don't know it or refuse to acknowledge its existence, but surprisingly it can prove to be the most wonderful cure of all. It really is. But there's no use in wishing on burnt out stars. Or dreaming empty dreams. I guess I just have to look for new stars.

Anyways, yeah, Sarah and me managed our operation sneak out yesterday. And I guess we weren't the only ones with the idea. Lots of other people were there too. Cliques and couples alike. Managed to do a bit of shopping. Yup, I got 2 books and also a ring that resembles the claddagh ring; the ring that Angel gave Buffy in the episode Surprise in season 2 . I love it! Too bad it isn't silver or look exactly like the claddagh ring.

Oh, and today we got to meet Anis!!!! We miss her so much. Haven't met her in ages. It's so nice to see her. And I'm glad that she's well and having fun in UIA Gombak. As much as I was not looking forward to it, I wish I was there now instead of here. Anywhere but here.

*Sigh* I hope some people would come to their senses and not bother with inane things. I mean, I feel you. I totally do cos i'm going through it too. But I do not need to be reminded. Really. I know too. Ain't I not there???

Well, actually...I can't think straight at the moment. Everything's a blur to me. All I wanna do these days is sleep. It takes away the pain, but... there are dreams. But at least dreams are not substantial, hence less pain.

But still, there's pain all the same. Everywhere I look. But then....let's not bother you people with my pain. I think I've said fairly enough.

So, go back to your ordinary lives citizens. There is nothing to see here. Save for my bleeding heart.

Night falls
I fall
And where were you?
And where were you?

Warm skin
Wolf grin
And where were you?

I fell into the moon
And it covered you in blue
I fell into the moon
Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night?

High tide
Inside
The air is dew
And where were you?

Wild eyed
I died
And where were you?

I crawled out of the world
When you said I shouldn't stay
I crawled out of the world
Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night?
Alone

Taken from the series Buffy, the Vampire Slayer-Season 7, Episode 7 “Conversations with Dead People” Sung by Angie Hart

There are some things that I don't want to think about and yet it haunts my mind. I hate having to sleep only to have my dreams invaded by unwanted guests. I don't need to be reminded. I am reminded enough. Especially when every bloody thing I look at could reminds me of things that have happened before and will never happen again unless a miracle is blessed upon me. Even every bloody word has some significant meaning. I hate it. Is it not enough that I'm already in pain? Is it necessary to aggravate the pain even more? It's so not fair. It's not that I should be punished. I didn't do anything wrong...Sh*t....Sleep is no longer to find peace, or to rest...I guess some of you know what I'm talking about. Those dreams I've been having that reminds me of pain. Yup, pain has a face and I see it every night. This is torment. This is hell on Hell.....Well, whatever the hell it is.....I just wish I could find peace in sleep again. Well, goodnight.....I hope…

I hate it the fact that we are stuck here with nothing to do. And even worse, I am disgusted by the fact that they make it such a fuss to go home. They are depriving me from the one thing that keeps me going: BUFFY! No laa....I'm not like that really. Sure I would love to go back home and watch that but more importantly I want to see my family. I can't stand it when I am separated from family....not that I feel vulnerable or anything but it comforts me to be with them rather than a bunch of shallow minded people. Well, sorry; not all of them are like that but mostly are and it totally kills me to be among them. Right now, all I want to do is to be among my family and sleep in a comfortable bed; not in some stuffy room with crazy people and squeaky beds. *Sigh* And the least they could have done is to let us go out. At least that would make up for the unbearable monotony of this life on Hellish Grounds. That's all I feel like ranting on about for now....well, bye.

OHMYGOD! Yup, I'm back on the Holy Grounds of UIA and as usual it is total HELL. The new rule has been implemented and it is so sad that we can only go back on Saturday. It's no fair for me cos I don’t have any classes on Friday and they might not let me go back on Thursday nights....f*ck this place. So I'm bloody stuck here. But on the brighter side, at least I got to see Fizzy, Sarah, Aaina and Liyana again. Missed them so much. And I miss you other BENdits too...When are we gonna meet up?

ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! A NEW SEMESTER STARTS ON MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S BACKTO THE HELLISH GROUNDS WE GO DUDETTES!!!! ANYONE UP FOR RAISING HELL ONCE AGAIN????????????

ACHTUNG!!! Not suitable for uncorrupted readers. Those planning to live the rest of their lives free from swear words should refrain from reading any further. You have been warned. (This is a bloody friendly reminder from the bloody Corruptor aka The Responsible One aka LinZy)

You know, living (as much as I hate to admit that I'm staying in this place but, yes-living) in an IT-blind community really drives me up the wall. As bad as it is I have to live in this part of Malaysia for the entire duration of my holidays, I have to live with the lack of communication to the outside world. And when I say communication, I mean the internet.

You see, when you are dragged from the only home you have ever known to live in this God-forsaken place, you at least need some sort of medium to commune with people who could grant you some kind of outlet for all of your frustration. But in my life, things love to take a cruel turn to make me insane beyond the ability to imagine.

My point and reason behind this silent fury being: why the f*ck do all the f*cking cyber cafes in this f*cking town have some sort of f*cking deficiency??? For example, the f*cking server in the closest f*cking CC is always down. The second closest one is connected to a f*cking snooker centre where all the smokers, drug-addicts, delinquents, would-be rapists and unemployed loafers alike hang out to pass the time in their pitiful existence. And the other f*cking CC has only 5 computers and none of them f*cking computers have any A drives. Bloody freaking Hell!!!!!!

The bloody thing is I just came back from the bloody CC; after wasting valuable time going there. And this is not the first f*cking time. The last time the whole bloody stupid server went down, I had to walk back in the bloody hot sun cos my mom took the car and forgot to bring her phone. And to add bloody salt and lemon juice and lime juice to my already bloody, bleeding wound was the departure to the fiery depths of Sandal & Shoe's Hell aka dustbin of my stupid, stupid sandals that just snapped off and came off. So, I flung the bloody sandals out of freakin sight and walked home barefoot on TAR on a bloody HOT day. And so I scalded the soft soles of my feet! May you rot in shoe hell sandals.

And of course, those are all the CCs available. No more. These people here bloody well prefer to hit balls with sticks (as dirty as that sounds...well, I don't give a f*ck anymore). No offence to those who like to play pool (yeah, I meant that for you Alfred), but it's just so annoying when they have like 10 bloody snooker centres in one bloody small section alone and only have about 1-3 f*cking CCs! And to make things worse, the bloody computers are not even working properly. AND, they don't even have Yahoo or MSN messenger and to download them, it would take 2 and a half hours (believe me, I've tried).

You know what? FUCK this town. The only reason I'm smiling and bearing it is because my mom loves it so much. This is what she wanted all her life and I hate to make her upset. She knows I hate this place but she tries to ignore it; though she hears the bitterness in my voice. I'm just glad that I don't have to be here all the time, even though it hurts me being far away from my mom.

Ok, now that I've cooled down about the whole internet thing, let me tell you about another sad story of my life. Well, first of all, I want to warn you to not; I REPEAT: DO NOT THINK or even better, DO NOT EVEN WONDER to whether or not watch the bloody sad excuse for a horror flick malay movie PONTIANAK. Let me part with some wise knowledge I picked up from seeing all (read: PONTIANAK), go use your money to get yourself a decent meal. Indulge yourself with a McValue Meal and bite into the hot burger which could at least fill your stomach. As opposed to the stupid movie which costs the same and leaves a lot to be desired. If I could turn back time, I would tell my mom: No, I do not want to babysit the neighbour's daughter and accompany her to see that bloody stupid movie. I could have easily used the time I wasted for the movie to watch some movie on Astro or at least catch some much needed Zs. Heck, even the guys there are not much to look at (sorry dudes, I'm like really bitter at the moment) to make up for the lack of good things to see; say like the movie for example.

So now it's back to drooling over the picture of James Marsters on my computer. No, I prefer to think of him as Spike with the sexy English accent and clad in black leather... yumm..... *me getting a dreamy look on my face*. Finding out that he really is American instead and his accent is phony (he got tips from Tony Head aka Giles) totally turned the switch off for me. So, yeah, drooling. Since that's the only thing I can do on my computer.

My dad will always give me the blur look whenever I mention getting a bloody phone line. He'll give me loads of excuses making me tired to even ask now. Hmm....so that's where I got the talent for having an excuse for every bloody thing on the planet; from my dad. Anyways, even if he registers for a phone line now, it's not like I'll be around to use it. Seeing how I have just another 3 more weeks of holidays and soon I'll be a member of the bloody freakin prison better known as the Holy Grounds. *sigh*

Well, truth be told; my life isn't all drama and whatever else that comes my way. It's just that I like being so dramatic with words that things I say seem exaggerated. Normal things happen too (never mind the fact that it's not something I would do everyday); for example, I actually went to the sodding zoo. I mean, of all places to go on a freakin hot day; you go to a zoo. Wait, wait, wait; to be specific: The Zoo. *Sigh* Well, contrary to what most of you would think; I DID NOT HAVE ANY KIND OF FUN WITH THE GOATS!!! Ugh, I mean, they're cute and all but I personally do not want to have anything to do with them.

Oh, and after the zoo outing, I pleaded my dad to swing by Ampang Park since I just love walking around there. It's the kind of mall where you'll never know what you can find. Despite me seeing so many things that I would have loved to own, I couldn't afford it. I mean, a top for $80??? I know it's nice and all with a kimono kind of design to it; but considering the material used and how the shop isn't even some hotshot boutique, I wouldn't even fork out that much money even if I had it. Anyways, while I was walking around; straying into PS2 game shops (Yaay! I got Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban!), clothes shops, Payless and CD shops; I came to this CD shop. It was very much empty since it's like at a location where it can't be really seen. The lady there was pretty helpful. She kept asking me about what I was looking for and helped me look for it. I was looking for some OSTs and so she pointed it out to me. Now this lady kept looking at me (beware! Gloating follows). Even when I spotted some old Tori Amos albums which I've been looking for, she kept watching me. The thing was, she was sitting far away but she could actually see that I was looking at 2 Tori Amos albums. Suddenly she just came up to me and handed me the album I was looking for. I mean, whoa! Talk about telepathy. And I don't know where the heck she took the tape from since I was facing the cassette counter. Hmmm...very interesting. So when I got to the counter to pay, she said “you’re very pretty”. Ok, I know that sounds really weird coming from a woman but what the hell? I was very much flattered. Hey, it’s not everyday some stranger tells you that you look pretty. So allow me this rare moment of pride. Ah, and she said she loves my eyes. Hehehe… I don’t know why the heck I’m telling this in the first place *blush*. Anyways, while I was forking out cash to pay, I spotted a Fiona Apple album which I haven’t listened to. I picked it up and you know what? She just gave it to me. It cost like, 20 bucks and she just told me to take it. So I got 2 albums for the price of one. Heheh…so now I’m listening to Tori Amos’s “Boys for Pele”. I love Mr. Zebra. Uuh… I mean the song in the album, ok? Not the kind of zebra I saw in the zoo earlier.

Tragedy and a dash of pleasant surprises… Yup, the story of my life. Well, I’m off to looking at more Spikey Wikey. No Fidz, he’s not here with me right now *sob sob* (maybe tonight??), that is why I’m drooling over his picture instead. And Sarah, whether he is real or not; we sure have lots of fun. And yes, I’m still struggling to be quiet. How’s Dracula by the way, Fidz? Who’s better? Him, Smithie or Haldir??? Or does Haldir still reign supreme? Well, ok, signing off now. Love ya loads dudes and dudettes!

-LinZy-