Sup3rnality

I've been trying to figure out life lately... Well, fine, not lately. I try to figure out life all the time. I try to make it into something I could understand and accept. I try to make it form words. Finding words so I could turn life into something you can read again and again so that I can find the hidden meanings in between the lines.

But then, how exactly does a person put life into words? It's like putting a 100000-piece jigsaw puzzle together, especially if it's the scenery kind. The cerulean blue of the sky is practically the same on every other piece, and one can't really tell which green blade of grass actually goes where. And worse of all, when you think you've got the right piece, you would only find out that it doesn't fit. It pretty much applies to how difficult it is to simply compose life into a mere essay. Words just don't seem to do justice to it.

Hmm, I'm comparing life to jigsaw puzzles now. What a lame analogy. Well, yeah, like I was saying, life; I've been pondering it. Not too deep to the extent it hurts my head but enough to actually come to terms with some stuff I've been unable to accept. My alone time at night has pretty much paid off. Besides, don't tell me I've been ruining my eyes sitting in front of this computer day and night for nothing.

I was thinking about just how much I've changed within the time span of a year. I never thought college could make a person feel so much older, so jaded. It makes me feel as though all that time I spent in high school was ages ago in some other lifetime. Now I'm here in this bloody place of suppression and I feel like I aged too fast or something.

I also have come to accept that we can't have everything we want. No matter how much you want it, how much you pine for it, if it was never meant to be yours, it just isn't. Painful, yeah, but there is such a thing as moving on. There is such a thing as healing although the process takes time and it's not exactly easy. All I can say is, well, there's always this space kept well for good memories, for times when I need to reflect and remember...Only the good memories, to Hell with the bad ones.

I thought of how much I need comfort. I'm still stumped (Fizzy, not Stumpy ok?) by this. I know I need it. I know that it is something I am lacking right now. But I don't know how to get it, how it looks like or what it is for that matter. But this I am certain, I will know it when I see it. And until it crosses my path, I am left here to wait in vain without comfort.

I am not saying that I'm not comfortable. Believe me, I have a comfortable house, this stupid room in college is small but it's comfortable enough to sleep and live in temporarily. I'm comfortable with what I'm doing, never mind the fact that it is in a University that is prejudiced; I have a great family and great friends... But inside me I know that I need more than the tangible things. What I need is something intangible. Something inside myself needs to be comforted, needs...gravity. Something to keep me grounded; so that I wouldn't fly too close to the sun like Icarus. Yeah, ok, now I'm comparing myself to the Greek dude who flew too close to the sun. But yeah, I guess that's it, gravity...although I might just come up with another theory next week or in my next entry.

For some reason this song is on my mind, for quite some time in fact. Since last week or so. But I keep forgetting the last verse and it annoys me like mad. So here it is. I finally remembered.

"Absence of Fear"-Jewel Kilcher on Spirit

Inside my skin there is this space
It twists and turnsIt bleeds and aches
Inside my heart there's an empty room
It's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you

And I am wanting
I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear

Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In their separate skin
I make myself translucent
To let you in, for

I am wanting
I am needing of you here
Inside the absence of fear

There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity

My hands will adore you through all darkness aim
They will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name

For I am wanting you
And I am needing you here
I need you near
Inside the absence of fear

That's about all I can get off of my chest. I think I may be able to sleep tonight.
Thank you to you people who actually took the time to once again read the goings-ons in my head. I appreciate it loads. Love you all. Peace!