Sup3rnality

Take me to another time when ignorance was blies. That wasn't a typo.

Take me back to when fake smiles were better than tears, better than living in fear.

Take me to a time when becoming older meant another candle on a cake, not the whitening of hair, the lines on my face.

But with that wish is the price of not being with the one person who makes it all bearable despite it all. It would mean not having his arms to hide in when I feel the world threatening to break me.

How cruel, to gain one comfort then lose another.

I used to hate you so much. I wished someone else was you. I was you were someone else. I used to fear you you. Still do. The thought of being alone with you filled me with dread.

I could never really say what I feel. I was not allowed to sing. I was not allowed to joke. I was not allowed much trust.

It would be easier if I could hate you. But I couldn't. Because at the end of the day I'd still see you for the good that you mean. For what you are to me.

But sometimes I do. Like today. Like now. But I would love you again and ask you for forgiveness in my heart.

Today as I heard your voice, hate mingled with love and fear of you.

And let's just leave it at that.

When they said the words, it was his voice and my name I heard.

Happy 27th birthday, my one and only... Words cannot express how much I love you. I'm thankful that you exist and that you are mine. There's no place I'd rather be but next to you.

I found an old notebook with carefully written transcripts of messages and notes he wrote me many years ago, before there was a you and me. They were written lovingly, cursive and fluid, like calm waters flowing gently out in blue ink onto paper. Beneath his words were tiny scribblings noting the date and time his carefully-thought out expressions of affection reached into my heart to take it captive - a reminder of when each momentary breath was lost. There was a time when those words filled me with hope that I was indeed a desirable enough girl - in all my awkwardness and questioning uncertainty. Even long after the expiry of that relationship, I held on to his words in hopes of finding them whispered to me again - by him, by anyone.
I read them all. I let myself smile at the memories.
Then I tore them up.
I've long ago forgotten the words he once said to me...drowned by your sweet whispers, teasing jibes, gentle rasps, your endless supply of words that can fill me a for a lifetime. Adamant. Reassuring. Comforting.
I wish I could write down all the words you say that sets my heart to a staccato beat. But baby, you say them so often I remember them by heart. And I believe I'll hear you whisper them to me for a lifetime to come.

Where are you when I need you?

My shaking hands ache to close around the steadyness of your wheel, to drive you around the twists and turns of my mind and visit the lonely roads of my heart.

I want to escape with you. Need to. My wanderlust a throbbing dull ache hammering against my chest seeking completion. My skin stretching to contain the person in me who longs to be free.

Take me where my feet will take you. A tired warrior and her silver steed. Let the endless tarmac take us further, even if it is my heart and mind I need running away from.

Let's just go til we run out of road.

Jealousy is a four-letter word.

How so? Common initial reactions to an incident/occurrence/occasion that invokes bouts of jealousy include damn, gosh, crap, sh*t, f*ck.

It is a many-lettered word too, and a hearty congratulations through grit teeth often accompany the litanies of swear words in one's head.

It doesn't make it insincere. Less sincere, maybe, but sincerity is there with the green-eyed monster poisoning the words with with its acid tongue.

F*ck. Sh*t. Damn......

Jealousy is a four-letter word.

And above all, it spells out E.N.V.Y.

Everyone, but NeVer You.

F*ck. Sh*t. Damn.