Sup3rnality

Happy Halloween! Well, not that I celebrate it or anything, but just for the heck of it, I thought I'd be extra festive today and get into the spirit of it. Well, I've been home and eventhough the main idea is to have the internet and do a bit of studying, instead I've been doing things...errr, other than studying. Well, ain't that the usual? Hence, the spirit of it is coupled with the spirit of takde kejeness (or nothing better to do-ness).

So yeah, today is All Hallow's Eve. I haven't much to say about it, seeing how it is not something I celebrate. Not even for the heck of it. It is just something I've watched in movies, read about and see on Buffy. That's the most of Halloween I've ever come close to. And since there's nothing much I can say in the way of explaining what it is about, allow me to do a Xeroxing job from Wikipedia:

The final exams are here again. After four months of torturous classes, we've all reached the finale when we're required to write down what we know according to the questions that they have set for us. And that time is now; the relieving yet dreaded final exams. Only for me, it's not just the final exams, it is the FINAL final exams.

Insyaallah, I'll be graduating when all the exams are over.

And until that time, I have another five papers to go; Feature Writing, Error and Contrastive Analysis, Computer Applications to Language Studies, Malaysian and Singaporean Literature, and American Literature lies in wait for me within these next few days. Arabic 2 was yesterday, and I don't want to comment on that just yet. I'd like to think that it's 'one down and five more to go' and I'm not wanting to dwell on it for the moment. I'm not really sure how I did.

Whether I'll pass or fail, I ain't got an inkling. It's the second time I'm taking this paper, so here's to hoping that all will be well. Worry, I shall not for now. Not until I get past the other papers. Only then can I start worrying like hell.

And after that, I'll get my results in a few weeks' time.

And after that, freedom.But even that, I don't want to think of just yet. There is a sadness in having to leave this phase of my life. I'm the kind of person who is always wanting to move forward, almost impatient for time to get a move on. In fact, I've always wanted to grow up. But the moment is nigh, when I leave these Holy Grounds, I shall officially be in charge of myself getting a job and starting my life. Really starting my; requiring me to stand on my two feet. It's exhilirating, yet almost sad.

It's always hard to say goodbye.I'll be saying farewell to life as a student. I'll be saying goodbye to IIUM. I'll be saying goodbye to a more carefree life. I'll be saying farewell to friends I'm used to seeing everyday and hanging out with happily for lunch or sometimes dinner or going out and about with. And I'll be saying goodbye to my sayang. I know the last two are not permanent, but it will mean lesser time spent with them. I'm sure I'll still see my friends every now and then. And Ash my darling, you know I'll come by all the time to see you. I'm not saying goodbye meaning that I won't see you again, it's just... After this, when I see you all, it'll be me as your former course mate/classmate etc. The only thing that renains is that I'm still your friend. And you're still my boyfriend, sayang.

*sigh* This is so hard to think about.

So I'm not gonna. Now all I wanna be thinking about is my exams and getting through them. It's not a good semester for me, because some of the subjects I'm taking I cannot seem to score. But no matter, I'll do what I can in the finals. I won't even think about resumes, not til I finish all this. I wanna be cherishing these last moments with my sayang and my friends.

Love, Linzy~

A good friend of mine, Idzaid, sent a very thoughtful poem my way, something to inspire me to write. I find it to be very heartfelt and it really strikes me... You know how I say I have nothing to write about, or have no inspiration, or feel too stressed to, or a hundred other excuses...? Well, I think this poem lets me think again about the reason why I write; makes me question and makes me rethink my priorities as a writer.

**********

So You Want to be a Writer? by Charles Bukowski

if it doesn't come bursting out of you in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your heart and your mind and your mouth and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours staring at your computer screen or hunched over your typewritersearching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,do something else.
if you first have to read it to your wifeor your girlfriend or your boyfriendor your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.
don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands ofpeople who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring andpretentious,
don't be consumed with self-love.
the libraries of the world have yawned themselves to sleepover your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out ofyour soul like a rocket,
unless being still would drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is burning your gut,
don't do it.
when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by itself and it will keep on doing ituntil you die or it dies in you.
there is no other way.
and there never was.

**********

Thank you for the poem, Idz. You should strum to it on your guitar, maybe you'll get more chicas that way ;) And the dog would come in handy if the singing and the strumming fails... At least a cute dog would get the girls' attention. But seriously, thank you :)

Love, Lin~

'Worried'? 'Worried'??!!

You actually want to worry about me?

I apologize in advance, but I took a deep offence at the statement you made. It annoyed me. It disgusted me. The fact that you had to remind me and ask me if I had finished my work cos you were afraid I would not complete it. Cos you think that I'd not do my part? You think I'm that kinda stupid? You want to worry about me???

I'd say bullcrap to that.

I never never ever ever put others in jeopardy for my mistakes. NEVER. And I never take risks if I'm not sure I can come out shining. NEVER. I'm not stupid, and I'm not unethical either. Take a look at my previous assignments; have I ever submitted mediocre work?

Anyone who knows me knows I'd rather take all the blame than ever putting people I am working with at risk because of my wrongdoings. I do something with my all and never do work halfway when I know I can do it so much better. I understand my role better than you think you do, and I know better than you. I don't need people second-guessing my work. Even if I'm an idiot, I'm not just your run-of-the-mill idiot. I'm not just anyone.

This is of course, my arrogant-superiority complex part of me speaking. But really, you want to worry about me???

You want me to be just as patronizing? Fine. You want me to talk about the work you worked on? Well, if I were the lecturer, I'd give it right back to you. It was either that you actually elaborated it, or don't submit anything at all. Your work was what I'd expect from an inexperienced freshman. I wouldn't have given it so much of a nod.
Your statement only proves how much you don't know me.

You don't.

Don't even think you do.

And this is not the first time you made this kinda comment to me.

Obviously I'll never say this to your face, because my policy is that I never start a fight I know I can avoid. I can forget it in an instant, but the knowledge that you deem to think that you can pass that kind of judgment on me is something that files itself away in my memory. I am offended. And I'll never say it to you because I don't have the heart to do that. And you're a friend. But the fact that I am irked beyond reason still stands.

If you come across this entry or find out about it from some mutual friend, I really do apologize for my rudeness. I really am. I just am sooo pissed off. I don't have anything against you, just the comment you made against me. This is just how I feel. The way I figure it, people are going to be rude to me anyway no matter how nice I am. And since I can never find it in me to be rude to your face, I'll just let off steam here and be rude to you here. But don't take it wrongly... This entry is more for me, not meant for you. It's here to vent my repressed anger.

So here it shall stand to record my dissatisfaction. And here it will stay.

You want to worry about me? Worry about yourself first.

~LinZy.

Sometimes I wonder...

Maybe another reason why people tend to look down at the degree that I am pursuing is that they are afraid. Unlike other courses like engineering, law, accounting etc., we look at the real world straight in the face. Reading literature allows you to see the human condition in plain words, in plain emotions and it's real. We discuss things that people won't usually talk about, or avoid. We look into history, into politics, into society and culture and into psychology; dissect them and understand what lies beneath the layer of words. Learn from it to undestand the world. But they tell us we are the rejects, the ones who aren't good enough to take more "elite" degrees. They say what's the use of studying words of (mostly dead) people, and what can we possibly get from it... The truth is, they're afraid of us. We'll be the ones who knows knows what this world is really about while they go about their normal lives in oblivion. Of course, not saying that they don't discuss all life's issues, but the difference is that we make it our business to know. We'll be the ones changing the world. The rest might be building it, but we're the ones who will inspire them to. They're afraid of us because they'll be reading our books one day and quoting us while they stand in line to get their books signed.

Love, LinZy the proud BENL (soon-to-be) graduate

This should have been written sooner, but my time has been taken up by constant worrying about assignments and presentations that I couldn't spare a few minutes of blogging. Anyhow, I'm here now.

I'm back from my balik kampung. Well, that's obvious seeing how I'm online, cos I don't have any internet access back in my grandmother's house. We came back earlier than expected which kinda miffed me a bit since I didn't get to spend much time with my cousins. But I hope to see them for Eid-ul-adha, so I guess that's not so bad. Otherwise I'd only get to see them about once a year.

Surprisingly, traffic wasn't so bad this year. It was smooth sailing going and coming back from Kelantan, and we hardly ran into heavy traffic. So it was good.

Anyway, it's both good and bad to be home. Good because I can get back to my normal life and see my sayang and my friends. And the bad side would be that I have to leave my relatives as well as I am back to having to go to classes and doing assignments and presentations :p

But all in all, everything's good. And I'll wait for another day to properly blog about Raya. Bye.

Love, Linzy~