Sup3rnality

In Memory of Amirah Anuar 
4th May 1985 - 26th October 2010

It's heart-warming, and yet heartbreaking, to see old friends from SMK Seksyen 9, Shah Alam unite as one to pay their last respects in memory of an old friend and schoolmate, Amirah Anuar. After years of being apart, separated by distance, time, jobs and various obligations, we are all different people now; but in a time of sorrow, it reverberates through all of us the gravity of this heavy weight that bears down on all of us.

We have lost one among our ranks.

We all shared one memory of being in the same school, walking down the same corridors, standing in that same hall, singing the same songs. We were different people, we were from different groups and cliques, maybe liked or hated each other. Nevertheless, we had camaraderie, we had a friend in common.

At one point or another, we might have bumped into Amirah, talked to her, shared a smile as we passed one another, been classmates... At one point or another, even if it was just for a moment, Amirah had been a part of our lives.

For me, I was her classmate in Form 2. 2 Yakin 1999 to be precise. My memory of her was that she taught me the love for make-up. We discovered the many different types of lip gloss and balms, eye shadow and the power of facial blotters. We shared posters from magazines and exchanged lyrics. She borrowed a few of my tapes to listen at home. We shared magazines to read when we were bored. We sang the same songs and joked about in class. We gossiped and laughed like any 14-year-old would. She was also a comforting friend when the challenges of being 14 got too hard to bear. In a few words, Amirah was my friend.

I may not have had the chance to get to know her past the year of being classmates. I may not have kept in touch beyond school, even. But Amirah, you will be remembered, and you will be missed.

May you be placed among those with faith. Al-Fatihah.
Condolences to your family.

Things can get a little crazy here in Linzy Land. Cash is always an issue thanks to finicky housemates, hefty TNB bills that only makes an appearance after two months with warning letter about paying bills on time (Hello? How about giving me the bill on time?), car problems that need repairing, much needed car petrol, and stupid Maxis bills that don't make sense.

Things are quite hectic as well, taking as many OTs (meaning that I finish at 2am) as I can, and doing freelance proofreading. These two I'm not complaining about, because the extra cash helps me stay afloat. But it does sap energy off of me.

Some days I wake up late and in a daze, feeling guilty of having missed the morning. It's hard to take that first step out of bed and out of the room and out of the house after working all night. My inactivity has further led me to put on more weight which makes me furious at myself.

Oddly though, life is good. Yeah, the crappy parts are, well, crap, but overall, it's been good. I enjoy my work, it finally feels fulfilling and I see a future in where I am. I think I can go far working here. I think I can give more to my family now, because my constant depression (when I was at my old company) has faded away and I can be a better person for them. And eventhough I don't see them as often, but the distance has made me feel all the more thankful of what I have.

The anticipation of going home to see my family makes me so excited that I feel like I need to buy gifts for everybody each time I go home. Making stops here and there to pick up a book for my sister, some Popeye's fried chicken for my brother, some home decor stuff for my mom and something my dad would like if I find any (he's a tough person to buy for :p). And when I get home, an almost audible sigh of relief escapes me. 

Living in PJ also means I get to see friends more often. Well, not that often, but with  my no longer being so far away in Cyberjaya, it's easier to plan for meetups with friends. And my colleagues are great friends, too. It's important, you know, to love the people you work with. Otherwise work will be only partly fulfilling, and you'd feel an emptiness when going to work everyday.

Asdil, of course, fills in the gaps, being all that I need. We don't see each other as often now, with my working at night and on weekends, too, and with him having classes all the way in Cheras every weekday til late. But I think that makes us stronger as a couple, and makes us grow better with each step, and hopefully prepares us better for our future.

I like the days when I have the day off, and we don't feel like going out for dinner. He'd come over and we'd cook dinner ourselves, and he'd cook up one of his mystery dishes. Then we'd have dinner while watching a comedy. It's simple, homey, and better than any fancy dinner we can ever have.

Yes, life is good. It seems like that is all I've been saying these past few entries (as far in between as they are), but that's the basic fact. Trying to make ends meet, living on your own and scraping through the month makes you go crazy, but in the end it is all worth it.

Because the bottom line is, you know that nothing in life comes for free. You have to work to get what you want, and that includes going through the hard times. I always keep in mind that Allah SWT gives to those who puts in the effort to work to reach their goals. And that keeps me going. One day, this will all pay off.

One day I will repay my parents for all they have given to me. I will make sure my little brother and sister will have a good role model and grow up to be good people. I will see that I will be there for my friends when they need someone to be their friend. One day, God willing, Asdil and I will be together for keeps and keep on being each others' shoulder to lean on.

Love,
Linzy

I have a lot more strength of heart than I often give myself credit for.

Sometimes, i dismiss it to wave away a heartfelt observation from a friendly party commenting on my ability to take so much, and get back only but a little. But more often than not, the discredit comes from not wanting to rely so much on pride than the actual quality itself. Because the more one romances the elation of a compliment, the more the fire burns, consuming the reason for the compliment itself. In its place then lies a facade of what should really be.

And that's my weakness, see. I am driven by pride. I take it all, knowing I can do it, but not understanding the limits of these two hands. In constantly outdoing myself again and again, I often forget I am what I am because of who I am, not what they say I am. Does that make sense to you?

My days are often time spent lost in the recesses of my mind. Compartmentalising, storing, feeling, prioritising... It helps me stay sane in the way I know how. Letting the pain and any other bothersome emotions wash through me in the quiet moments to myself, then leaving the dealing part to deal with. It's effective, but sometimes the heart grows weary, and sometimes gets numb from the being on the sharp edge of the knife.

Ah, but this heart is weary. All my life seems to be converging in on me, trying to happen all at once. It's wonderful, it's overwhelming, it's scary... And while I can take it all, serve them up on a platter and swallow the bitter pills that they sometimes are, I sometimes feel that this body is growing weak from lack of maintainence.

My heart is strong, but my body is weak, in more ways than one. There is a lethargy in my limbs that have set in from neglect. An almost surrender to the contours of the bed as I stretch my mind to its very limits. I have to put an end to that sooner or later, and I only hope it would be sooner.

But then, where I lack in physical strength, Asdil bridges the gap. Sometimes, all I really need is for him to hold my kitestring to make sure I don't fly too high up and disappear behind the clouds. I need him to tether me down when I'm too far, I need him to ground me in reality.

The strength he offers me can simply be the space between his arms and his chest. Or sometimes the crook of his neck where I burrow my face in as he encircles an arm around me. Or even his errant gesture of rubbing the side of my crown in assurance. And even just his hand reaching over to take mine. It doesn't take much. It's like time stops when I'm with him. And the demons that plague my thoughts decide to quiet down as I am wrapped in the moment.

I think in that way we compliment one another.

I kid you not, life has its moments. When it's hard, it really is. But those breath-catching moments, even if they are only a precious few, makes it all worth it. I can be strong, and I am strong, but the fight is only worth it if you have a reason to fight for. And I fight for the love of life, for my family, for my Asdil, for my friends, and for simply me and the future I want to have.

So, Heart, it's you and me. Let's see where this life takes us.

Love,
Hazlin