Sup3rnality

"Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down...tells you she's hurting before she keels."
- Capt. Mal Reynolds, "Serenity"

When my world falls down, and I cannot be the strong person people always want me to be, all I really want is for someone to be strong for me. Because when I cannot bear the weight, I buckle and stoop; and I need a helping hand to take the weight off of my shoulders.

I love every one of my friends. And with every strength that I have in me I would do what I can to make them happy and make it easy for them to live day to day in a world so full of adversities. And when they cannot stand on their two feet, heck, I'd give them mine.

Rarely have I been in need to be on the receiving end of such strength; a kind of stability, a rock that grounds me when I'm about to drift away. I like solving my own problems, facing my own demons; moreover, I don't like bothering people with the things that are troubling me.

But there are times when even the strongest fall. And I, I'm only human, I fall sometimes. And there are times I fall so hard I can't find the strength in me to get back up.

I cannot be expected to walk upright all the time. We all have crosses to bear. And I sometimes need time and understanding and comfort and love to gather myself again to get on and live. I cannot be strong all the time. Sometimes *I* need strength.

So Alfred, this one's for you: Thank you for understanding me when no one else would or could. Thank you for giving me strength and reminding me that I have strength. Thank you for reminding me about who I am when I thought I've lost myself. Thank you for the lunch+dinner and the four hour++ conversation. Love you loads.

Love, Lin~

I'm having another go. I went back to the room last night feeling frustrated at not being able to pen down at least a decent enough entry. My headache didn't help me any.

I think my migraine's are returning and there's no one to blame but myself. I mean, my laziness in getting up to keep myself hydrated is almost non-existent. I only go in search for water whenever I feel thirsty and no other reason. Never mind the fact that a human body needs at least 8 glasses of water a day. More than that even in this hot weather. Perhaps I'm not all human...I mean, that's what people keep saying.

I've definitely been al sorts of crazy over the past few. Have been so tired and it's only the 3rd day of the semester. Maybe it's because of the holidays only being 2 weeks long, my mind is so much still in need of rest and the new semester already starting is making it shortcircuit some.... Hmm, in case I haven't mentioned, yeah, a new semester have started. So begins another semester in good ol' IIUM. And this semester, Aaina and I have decided to take things easy a little bit. We are taking only 4 subjects compared to last semester's 7 subjects (including Family Management). After the perpetual unrest in the last semester, I need to gain back a little perspective and focus and rest. Not that none of the hard work I did last semester did not pay off, but slaving away and not allowing myself that much rest isn't good for my mind. I think I've clogged it up without realizing it.

So this semester I would be taking Sociolinguistics, Research Methodology, Intro to Usul al-Fiqh and also Methods of Da'wah. Yup, only those four. Giving myself my well-deserved rest. After this I'll be taking on more and probably I wouldn't be able to stop til it's all over... But I don't think I'd mind any of that. I'm content. Hmmm...I might check out the SLEU thing again. I wouldn't mind picking up a little tutoring. Literature is something that comes naturally to me without that much effort so I think I should give a little something back as thanks. It'll only be fair.

I forgot to mention anything about my holidays I see. Ah well, not much went on, but I was happy. Now I know many say that I don't have a life but this is *my* life, and this how I see fit to live it out and this is how I think living should be like. I'm sane, I'm doing fine and importantly I'm happy and content, so I don't think that I am lack of anything as many would think...Anyway, back to the holiday bit; yeah, I did nothing much. But still it was a lot. Some of the things I sis was go to the Taiping Zoo. Before anyone could say "NO LIFE!", let me tell you it was worth it. You see my sister has been wanting to go to that zoo. She went there sometime ago with my family but I wasn't around at that time. So she really wanted me to go so one weekend me and my family decided to go there after a kenduri in Ipoh. I tell you the place is worth going. The animals were out and about and were actually alive! I mean, look at Zoo Negara, the "animals" we hardly see and even if we do they're practically dead. So it was nice just to have a looksee at the animals. But basically, it was about being with my family which I've hardly been able to see or spend time with for months. I've been missing them lots. And my sister is so enthusiastic about going and wanting to show me all the animals...who am I to deny her?

On the way after the Zoo visit we stopped by Bukit Merah Lake Town. What was just a stop turned out to be a visit. We went on a boat cruise and went for this Night Safari thing. That was really interesting. We got to see all the nocturnal animals when they're active; something we wouldn't be able to see in the day. We even got to feed some of the animals and also got to see these 3 huge crocs get fed live chickens. Very interesting.

Other than that, we did alot of shopping in Ferringhi that is in Penang and I bought about 70 bucks worth of DVDs and music CDs. I have to say I totally support piracy. I'm sorry, but I really can't afford CDs. I can only afford one CD a year and even that I feel so reluctant to pay for. Except for artistes that I really love and support, I spend a little just to show I care. But otherwise, I just can't. It's too much to pay for just one CD. So yeah, I went on a shopping spree in Penang. At only 4 bucks per CD, I could buy 10 CDs with 40 bucks that would otherwise allow me to buy only one.

Hmmmm...so that's all about my holiday and this new semester beginning.... I can't say anymore for now. My laptop is running out of batteries and this CC is not laptop users friendly. They don't have any spare powerpoints. So I gotta go now. I'll post up pics from my holidays soon I hope. See you guys then. I suppose I finally am able to write something more substantial this time around. It's a good feeling. Bye now.

Love, Lin~

I have been sitting in front of this computer for God knows how long just trying to get some words down, trying to find my voice again by searching through this jungle of words again and again. I've been in the woods for months, I have yet to find the compass that will lead me to where I am heading; to where my words live.

God, I have one helluva writer's block. And damn, this has never happened before. Never have I experienced such frustration in the inability to write that my head is bursting with a migraine. All I want is just a litte something to show myself that I haven't lost it, because, damn, it sure feels like I have.

John Rzeznik (he turned 41 on the 5th by the way) said that a writer's block is not that we are unable to write, it's just that we do write but nothing comes out the way we want it to be. And that is exactly what I am going through now. Should I be writing all of this down into pieces of paper, there'd be alot of rolled up paper strewn about the place, a result of my chucking everything that doesn't suit me. If you have a look into me laptop right now, you'd see that it is littered with half-baked ideas and hanging stories. I just can't continue any of it. God, what is wrong with me?

Nothing seems to have flavour in it. Whatever I dish out seems to be so bland that I haven't the heart to actually serve it out to people. I'd rather let them starve than let them have something so insubstancial that a bite would only cause them to get even more hungry. I just can't.

I need the edge, the flair, the flow...the ability to just write without havingto pause to come up with a word or a phrase. I don't want to have to think of analogies or comparisons or flowing lines....I want to be able to just write. It may seem as though I am writing ths freeflow, but heck, I actually am stopping every now and then just to think of a bloody word. How sad is that?

I am reduced to this...This is nothing major I know; but it would frustrate you too if the only way you culd be free, the only way you could express yourself however you want be is taken away from you...It definitely would kill you.

And so I sit here, desperate for a spark that would start this sodding engine and get it going. I need an inspiration. Need a kickstart. I need a reason again...

Love, Lin~

I feel disappointed that I'm at the end of my hoidays and I still have not managed to come up with some good piece of writing. Troubles me to the bone.

A voice in my mind told me that probably my words got scared away. I haven't been writing anything proper since July, since...well, I lost my baby. And I figure that is a huge part of it. Seems like I've lost alot of will to actually put my feelings into paper. Because whenever I do, I feel the strong urge to pour my pain, which is still so very strong. And whenever I do, I would break down and lose my senses and not be abe to do anything else...So I suppose yeah, that's exactly it.

I still hurt. Only God knows how many times I've cried since I went back to Kulim. Seeing the places where he would sleep, where he would eat, remembering one thing to another; it tears me up inside. I look out at his grave every day, say things to him, tell him goodnight or good mornnig or just hi. Sometimes I tell him I love him and when I'm feeing particularly broken hearted, I tell him sorry over and over. God, it hurts so bad. And I cannot help but refrain myself from having to write this all down whenever I feel a flow of words coming on. And when I do, well...I cry like I'm doing now.

Love, Lin~

Well, exams are over and boy am I glad. It was hell. Hellmouthy hell I tell you. I'm just so glad it's over. It stretched out for 2 weeks making me feel crazily out of my wits. So I'm more than gladto be heading back.

I am now in KL Sentral waiting for my train. FidZy and Aaina dropped me off (THANKS GUYS!) and lepaked with me a while. They've gone off now and I am here just passing time.

Anyway, I don't wanna say much. Just wanna tell you guys happy holidays (those from IIUM) and the rest, well, have fun wherever you are and take care. I'll be back in December and we can lepak....Oh and we can think of ways I can spend my 21st birthday on Christmas.

So, well, signing off now...

"I'm leaving on a KTM train..."

Love, Lin~

We have to keep on fighting even when it is an endless struggle. Have faith. Believe. The rising dark may always seem to be too tough to overcome, but we have to keep on fighting. I've always believed so and will continue believing....

"GingerBread" Season 3, Episode 11

Buffy: So I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad
just keeps coming back and getting stronger.
Angel: Buffy,you know, I'm still figuring things out. There's
a lot that I don't understand. But I do know it's
important to keep fighting. I learned that from you.
Buffy: But we never--
Angel: We never win.
Buffy: Not completely.
Angel: We never will... That's not why we fight. We do it
'cause there's things worth fighting for.

"I Believe" by Blessid Union of Souls

Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand
Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand
Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren't very far apart

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

Violence is spread worldwide and there are families on the street
And we sell drugs to children now oh why can't we just see
That all we do is eliminate our future with the things we do today
Money is our incentive now so that makes it okay

But I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

I've been seeing Lisa now for a little over a year
She said she's never been so happy but Lisa lives in fear
That one day daddy's gonna find out she's in love
With a black man from the streets
Oh how he would lose it then but she's still here with me
'Cause she believes that love will see it through
And one day he'll understand
And he'll see me as a person not just a black man

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe I believe I believe I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Please love find the way
Please love find the way

"Love.
You can learn all the math
in the 'verse...but you take a boat in
the air that you don't love...she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air
when she ought to fall down...tells you she's hurting
before she keels. Makes her a home."

-the wise words of Captain Malcolm Reynolds

Love, Lin~

My father was away the day Spike died. He was in Sarawak on business and was not around to see Spike one last time. When my mum called him, crying on the phone to tell him that their youngest baby was gone, he asked her to videotape Spike in his eternal slumber. That was over 4 months ago.

For Eid, my family and I headed back to my mum's hometown in Kelantan. My dad brought the videocam with him just in case, who knows what might happen that might require immortalizing it in video? True enough, there were miscellaneous incidents that were so memorable to let them be forgotten with time.

So they were recorded into the videocam and when we got to Shah Alam to drop me off, my uncle and aunt asked to see it. My dad did the necessary rigging and we all sat around the living room to watch.

Since my dad rewinded the whole tape, we watched thevideo from the beginning, starting from a footage of displays from the Toy Museum in Penang. We were happily watching the videos when the part in the Toy Museum ended. The screen went all static-y and then flashed to another part of the tape. This was the part of Spike.

I saw him spread on the floor bleeding...I heard the bell of his collar jingling as my sister held it. I shut my eyes tight and covered my ears as hard as I can and shouted to no one in particular to shut it off. Sadly, no one moved fast enough and the memory of my baby Spike lying lifeless was tattooed in my mind.

I hated how no one reacted sensitively enough to stop my suffering. I know my mum had to actually see him dead, had to go through it alone...but God, I'm having a hard time coming to terms with this unbearable loss until now; I did not need the pain to come back tenfold. My mum could have done something rather than sit there transfixed and immobilized.

No one came to my aid as I cried out with such desperation to switch it off. Only my brother chided my mum for not erasing it off the tape and long after it was too late to blot it out of my memory, my dad came to fastforward the tape. By then I was running to my room, closed the door and rushing to the bathroom sink. I needed to shock my conciousness out of the memory with a splash of cold water to the face.

I stood there in front of the sink, looking at the mirror and seeing a person who has been hurting for so many months, finding no comfort from the emptiness of losing someone who meant so much.

I've been hurting so long and unable to find release that it's been eating me up inside. No amount of tears have made this feeling lessen. Grief engulfs me, embracing me and unwilling to let go.

***********

I can be the rock that holds people down, the medium in which pain flows through; I am a willing vessel for it, for I cannot stand to see everyone around me in pain. But when it comes to myself and the matters of the heart, despite me insisting that I hold them all in, what I really want is my own vessel to spill it all into.

I try to take on too much. I am the spiritus, animus, sophus and manus. All combined in one and leaving none for others to take. I prefer it that I am all, preferring to take all the burden upon my back. Both because I know that I am stong enough to wield it and because I need to be occupied with everything else to be the lion, so to not let emotions get the better of me.

After all is said and done, the truth is, I am a comfortador.

All that holding people together, the want to see it through with others...One would see all of those things in me; but the thing is, under all that layers that I hide under, I myself am a seeker of a kitestring. This kite wants to be tethered and not fly too far.

When all falls down, I am a comfortador.

And I have yet to find what I'm looking for. Or maybe I have, and I've let it go. And sometimes I wonder whether I'll ever find it.

My emotions I keep in check all the time, not letting anyone on the outside bear witness to how raw I can lay them out. I keep them in me, hold it inside; for the sake of being the Heart. And being the Hand, I cannot afford to let my emotions get in the way of the work that I have to do. And my mind and spirit, it's that reason too; the want for my emotions to not interfere with what needs to be done.

So here I am, the comfortador. Looking for the one thing in my life that keeps eluding me and yet the same thing that I give to others freely without prejudice.

I hope I find it one day or, I hope I find it again. I'm starting to feel the cold creeping into me. I'm starting to feel the numbness that comes with it, and it's only on rare ocassions that warmth radiates through and melts the ice.

I am a Comfortador, but all you choose to see is my weakness. This does not make me weak nor breakable nor insignificant nor inferior nor just a girl. It makes me the person I am. It makes me human. Can I say the same for you?

Love, Lin~