Sup3rnality

Hiya people.....how is everyone? Well, like I told you guys in the last entry, I've been pretty down....but....well, I'm here right now to tell you about the better part of my week.

Hmmm.......I guess I can consider myself pretty lucky that I have amazing friends who could take away my sadness in an instant; even if it's only for a while. It's great to know that I have so many friends who are always there to comfort me. I love you guys

On Sunday, I had a terrific time with one of my best friends Hamzah. Hehehe...he belanje me tengok LOtR:RotK and McDonald's that day. So sweet of him. I haven't seen him in months and I so totally needed to catch up with him. Too bad I couldn't spend more time with him cos I had to head off to bloody Seremban. We had fun though. He wanted to take me into a SEX SHOP!!!!!! He was telling me about glow-in-the-dark condoms and edible underwear........Hmmm.......interesting but, well, not my thing dude! Oh come on, I'm bloody "innocent". Lucifer, don't corrupt me anymore!!!! But thanx for the treat that day. Appreciate it loads! Lots of love to ya!

Oh yeah, yesterday when Sarah and me went to Payless and yakking away in there (as usual), we encountered this Chinese guy who wanted to get through the aisle we were blocking. Sarah asked him whether he wanted to pass by and he told us that it as ok. And then he commented that we had "good english". Hmmmm.....that was flattering. I mean, never before had a complete stranger just simply commented on how good the level of language we use everyday could be. We were damn flattered and Sarah reckons tha the guy was kinda cute, hehehehe...... Oh, I also (well, actually Sarah did) found an ANGEL magazine and despite the fact that it'll burn a hole in my pocket, I bought it anyways. Bloody Hell, I'm such a bloody fanatic!

Hmmm......what else about the week.....Not much really. Even though I feel so much better when I'm among the dudettes, at the back of my mind, I'm still feeling like a whole load of crap. It's eating away my insides. I'm as hollow as a dead as a blonde's head. My eyes are vacant, unseeing as I just walk on. I'm half-dead.....

Oh, Sarah and I also went for Fidzy Cola's performance thingy at Atria on Saturday. We were going to surprise her with a banner saying "Masyaallah Sister!" but we got kantoied when she spotted Sarah cos we were standing right next to her family...Damn! We had a fun time nonetheless...Hehehehe....And she actually fell for it that we couldn't make it to the performance. She really thought that we were on-line chatting when we sent her an sms wishing her good luck. Hahahahaha....you did great Fidz, despite the fact that you didn't really know the words to the song Hotel California. The guitar solo was great! Tell us when you have more performances. So at least next time we could bring more banners. Hahaha....

Those things aside, bad stuff and good stuff, let it be said again that I appreciate every single one of my friends who are always there for me thick and thin. You guys know who you are! You're the best guys. Love ya all loads!!!!!!!!

Love, The Responsible aka Corrupted One

Dudes and dudettes.....

This weekend has been the worse of my entire life. I feel like crap. I can't stand it. I can't, I just can't. As I have told many people, my parents have just moved out. Without discussion or anything with me, they just did, expecting me to pack up and do the same.

First of all, I’m studying in UIA, which is in PJ, making it such an inconvenience to go back and forth to Seremban (yes, Seremban. Of all places, they just have to buy a house in God-forsaken Seremban). I hate it there. I hate the atmosphere and the life there. It's practically dead. There's nothing to do, nothing to see.... It doesn't have all the conveniences provided in Shah Alam or any other place in Selangor. When I went to the house for the first time yesterday, I refused to acknowledge it as my house. I didn't even bother to look around. The sight of it itself brought tears that I could not cry.

I dunno dudes.....the move could have been avoided, or postponed at least for another 4 or 5 years. And the fact that it happened so soon just pisses me off. I hate it. I just dunno how to accept this.

Honestly, I dunno what's bugging me more. The fact that I have to move against my will, or the consequences of this move thing. The consequences, well, is a whole different matter. You see, all my life I've been really close to my mom. I consider her my best friends. i can tell her everything, anything. She's my shoulder to cry on, my strength my idol and all that. But ever since the move thing, we could hardly see eye to eye. We fight, although not the yelling kind, but it still brings me so much grief that I have trouble breathing when I think about what's going on between me and my mom. I hate my life now.

All this stuff I'm telling you guys now is totally different from what I originally wanted to say. Really, all these things I'm saying totally doesn’t so what I feel any justice. It's a much more complicated story but I just don't know how the hell I should start to tell it. But this thing that's been happening is making me a zombie. I'm empty; I'm walking through the motions, just playing through the part. I feel depressed, like shit, like running away...

Help me..... I think I'm losing my zest for life. i feel like lying down and forget about life, feel like giving up. I’ve tried to hold up for much too long and finally something have managed to break me. And I can’t take it. I know that this is only temporary, that much I know....but I can’t take the pain about being estranged from my mom. I JUST BLOODY CAN'T! It’s eating up my insides and I wouldn't be surprised it if I just keeled over. I hate this bloody feeling. And I can’t even cry.... I dunno how to. I've forgotten how to cry. I feel like it, but it refuses to come out. And that adds more pain to myself.

I can't find comfort. Whatever I do, whatever I try....nothing comforts me. I’m not saying I don’t have anyone to turn to but....it's just that however I vent it out, I find no solace. No comfort to ease the pain that consumes my brain slowly. Bloody Hell, i hate my life so much.

Dudes and dudettes, I appreciate everything you try to do for me. You guys are always trying to make me feel better and i appreciate your every attempt. You guy are the bestest friends I could ever ask for. Thank you so much for being there for me when I needed to talk.... I love you guys. Pray for me that this'll blow over ok? Love you guys, Lin-zy the Responsible BENdit.

Hmmmm.....is it possible that I'm turning into a feminist right now? I'm criticizing guys most of the time, especially in the presence of Ms. Adibah(my poetry lecturer) and especially ever since I lost the one guy that I truly loved. Even though I mostly kutuk those narrow-minded dumbasses in my all class groups, I do think, that in some ways I have turned feminist, thanks to Sylvia Plath, Ms. Adibah and well, many other factors. Hey Fidz, looks like I've joined the club. But I'm not saying I don't trust guys at all. I know that there are still many of those rare trustworthy ones out there. In fact, i know a few of them. But for me to date them, that's another story. I do adore guys, but it's hard for me to actually feel like I trust one even though I know that they could be trusted. The one guy whom I truly trusted with my life is no longer with me, so, right now I don't feel like dating around. In fact, I don't like dating around. Only until I trust a guy will I ever consider going out with him. I'm not being fussy, it's just the way I am. You could say this has happened cos of the guy I loved left me, and I will agree. But whatever it is, whether you understood anything I was trying to say, I'm putting guys on hold. Until I find a reason to date them again, I'll stay single. Long-live feminism! Hahahaahahahahaha....

NOTE: I'm not THAT serious about being a feminist. But this IS what I am feeling at the moment. I can't help it.

Warghahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm 18 now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So.....what am I gonna do LEGALLY first? Hmmmmmm....... I don't drink, smoke ....so there isn't much choice of what to do to show that I'm 18 ... One jahat friend of mine said that now I can have sex freely.....Hmmm.....interesting but I think I'll pass that luxury up until I get married(I can hear snickering!!!!!).

Well, yesterday when it was my birthday, well, not much happened. Kinda sad really but, at least my family and me celebrated a little and I had my friends either call me, sms me or e-mail me their wishes. Sarah called me first, followed by all you other BENdits... I even had Julia screaming the birthday song in my ear. i had all my old schoolmates call me up and send me mesages...Aaaaawww, thanx guys, you remembered. Hehehehehe....I appreciate each and every one of them nonetheless. I love you guys!!! I dare say that I have the bestest friends anyone could ever have.

I did wish for some other people to call. I haven’t heard from them in a long, long time and I miss them so very much. But whatever it is, I'm sure they had a good reason for not wishing me or anything.

Hell, whatever the Hell it is, I had another bloody nice year of my life. I entered the God-forsaken Holy Grounds, met one bloody cool and lovely bunch of friends and well, a whole lot of other things. Wish more good things for me for years to come. I love you all and Merry Christmas.

So.....First of all, I wanna say: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH! Hehehehehee...it's her 18th birthday today and guess what? My b'day's TOMORROW! Hahaha! I'm a Christmas baby, baby! I'll be turning 18 too at last!

We sure had fun today. Just ONE bloody class. The rest of the day we were out and having a laugh. Our Arab ustaz was itchy all over so he ended the class after half an hour and then Mdm. Adlina (our Drama lecturer) called me to say that she had an emergency to attend to so...we ended up only going for Prose at 2pm.

Can you imagine? To start the day off, we went to Arab. Only to find out that Ustaz had to finish the class cos he was scratching like bloody crazy! So after that we went to the ZC CC. All of us sat next to each other in a bloody row and yet we just had to talk to each other on-line. Like Sarah was reminding us about just how much she loves Chris Martin and Fidz was telling me that I was a Tomatimi and also a kambing...Hmmmm...as though we people don't see enough of each other. *sigh*

Hmmmm...and then there was this annoying guy on-line who kept speaking in spanish and then he even had the guts to ask for my phone number when he didn't even wanted to tell me who he was. The nerve. He thinks all girls are easy.....If you (yeah you, the one pestering me for my number!) are reading this, SOD OFF! Unless you tell me who the Hell you are and give me at least 10 good reasons why in the world I should even give it to you, don't expect me to even reply to you anymore! Bloody pervert!

Anyways, back to what I did today....Well, after the CC thing, we went to 14 for brunch. Ate at the Chicken Rice shop wannabe place or summat. Not bad the food.....Hehehehehe...then we embarrassed ourselves when we took a picture with the snowman at the entrance of Jaya Supermarket...People must have been thinking : JAKON! Hahahahaha...who cares anyways?

Well, we went to class then and well, the day is almost over. I'm at the cc now (duh. How else would I be putting this entry in?), waiting for time to go by until I go home. Stupid UIA not letting us go back cos they don't want us going partying and stuff. Bloody paranoid la these people. But who bloody cares? Fine me if they want! I'm NOT gonna stay here for my birthday!

Hahahahahah......everyone's gone home now. I'm alone here and Liyana's probably up in her room sleeping. That girl's always sleeping. And I'm like her personal manual alarm clock.

Hehehehehe...MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW PEOPLE!!!!!! Don't forget me. Call me! SMS me! Send me cards! Presents! E-mails! Anything! HAhahahahahahah *cough* *Cough* I think I went a little bit too far there. Hehehehehehe.....But whatever it is, i just wanna say how happy I am. I am contented in ways. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends. I am thankful that I'm still alive. I love you people. Right here and right now, I don't think anyone can put me down..... I love you people. Peace out!

Ok....someone requested I write daily accounts in my blog but...well, I don't really like the idea of putting my thoughts online for all to see. What I write here are only external, things I don't mind people knowing. What I feel inside is a whole different story. I fight a war inside myself everyday about so many things, so, to put it all in plain colour do them no justice. No justice at all.

Come to think of it, no one really knows what is in the depth of my mind. I've never told anyone and...well, I just noticed that there isn't a single person who knows my heart and soul. It's funny, considering the number of close friends I have whom I pour (most of) my heart to. *Sigh* But the question is: Do I really want people to know me? Somehow I have this feeling that I have so much to hide when I don't really.... I dunno dudettes... It's not like I wanna hide anything from you guys but....I just dunno.

Anyways, on to other things....well, Hmmmm.....my birthday is in 2 days!!!!!!!!!!! I'll FINALLY turn 18!!!!!!! Now I can watch 18 movies LEGALLY! Hehehehehehehehe..... (evil laugh)

Hahahahahaha....anyways, to my people reading this: BENdits and NYNErs alike, I love you all. You've been amazing friends. I appreciate everything you guys do for me. XOXOXO

If you Love someone,
Put their name in a circle,
Instead of a heart,
Because hearts can break,
But circles go on forever.

Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what you say.
Best friends listen to what you don't say.

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge,
I wouldn't jump with them,
I'd be at the bottom to catch them.

Don't frown,
Because you never know who's falling in love with Your smile!

If you judge people,
You have no time to love them.

Be kind,
For everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.

It may take only a minute to like someone,
Only an hour to have a crush on someone
And only a day to love someone
But it will take a lifetime to forget someone.

Enthusiasm is contagious.
You might cause an outbreak and affect many.

Yesterday is the history,
tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift,
That is why it is called the present.

Dance like nobody's watching,
and love like it's never gonna hurt.

According to the Red Book of Westmarch,
In Middle-earth, Hazlin Aminudin was a
Beautiful Dúnedain

Elven Name Possibilities for Hazlin Aminudin
The root name suitable for feminine and masculine is:
Thalimenel
Another masculine version is:
Thalimenelion
More feminine versions are:
Thalimeneliel
Thalimenelien
Thalimenelwen

Hobbit lad name for Hazlin Aminudin
Bungo Brown from Greenfields
Hobbit lass name for Hazlin Aminudin
Diamond Brown from Greenfields

Dwarven Name for Hazlin Aminudin
Thráin Rockskull
This name is for both genders.

Orkish Name for Hazlin Aminudin
Skradûl the Sleazy
This name is for both genders.

I AM: not always what people think I am.

I WANT: things that are far away.

I HAVE: more than I actually realize.

I WISH: I could turn back time.

I HATE: HEIGHTS!

I MISS: all my friends, my family and well, someone.

I FEAR: of losing the people I love.

I HEAR: voices in my head sometimes.

I SEARCH: for answers in words I read each day.

I WONDER: what I would become in another 10 or 20 years time.

I REGRET: my sins and not telling someone how much I love him.

I LOVE: my family, my friends and someone.

I ACHE: in my heart for someone.

I ALWAYS: complain.

I AM NOT: what people think I am.

I DANCE: in the privacy of my room.

I SING: when the urge strikes me.

I CRY: inside where no-one can see.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: innocent.

I WRITE: poems.

I WIN: almost by luck.

I LOSE: sometimes.

I CONFUSE: people who don't really get me.

I NEED: love.

I SHOULD HAVE: told this guy how I felt for him, and how much I love him.

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Yes Or No...

x. You keep a diary: Yes

x. You like to cook: Would like to but malas.

x. You have a secret you have not shared with
Anyone: Yes.

x. You believe in love: Yes

-------------------------------------------------


The weirdest person you know: Fidzy Cola, but then again we're connected.

The Loudest Person you Know: ZEPH!

The Sexiest Person you know: Umm.....yeah Anis: Julia!

Your closest friend(s): The BENdits (Julia, Anis, Fidz, Sarah, Zeph and Liyana), my fellow NYNERs and some others.

The People that Knows the Most about you: My friends as stated and my mother.


Do You...?

Have a(any) crush(es): Umm....no. But with John Rzeznik, YES!

Want to get married: YES!

Get motion Sickness : Yes if I'm moving too much.

Think you're a health freak: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Get along with your parents: Yes

Like thunderstorms: umm....sometimes, yeah.

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NATURAL HAIR COLOR: dark brown, and it changes naturally sometimes.

CURRENT HAIR COLOR: now it's dark brown. I DON'T colour my hair.

EYE COLOR: dark brown

BIRTHPLACE: Kota Bharu, Kelantan.
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(FAVORITES )

NUMBER: 7

COLOR: blue, red and black.

DAY: Friday

MONTH: December....MY BIRTHDAY!

SONG: "Angel" Sarah McLachlan

FOOD: McDonald's

SEASON: ummm....Autumn maybe.

SPORT: sleeping. Used to play basketball though.

DRINK: Vanilla Coke, Limau Ais and Snapple.

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( PREFERENCES )

CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT : Both please!

CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE? Hot chocolate(in Switzerland, in the morning perhaps?)

MILK, DARK, OR WHITE CHOCOLATE? White

VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE? Vanilla

--------------------------------


( IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU.... )

CRIED? yes

HELPED SOMEONE? Yes.

BOUGHT SOMETHING? Yes, went shopping less than an hour ago.

GOTTEN SICK? Yes

GONE TO THE MOVIES? Watched "The Patriot" for drama II

GONE OUT FOR DINNER? No

WRITTEN A REAL LETTER? No.

TALKED TO AN EX? No

MISSED AN EX? YES

WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? Yes.

HAD A SERIOUS TALK? No

MISSED SOMEONE? Yes, a whole lot

HUGGED SOMEONE? Yes, Anis before she left for home.

FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? No.

FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? No.

PLAYED ANY GAMES ONLINE? No.

DO YOU FEEL LONELY? No, cos I have such terrific friends and also yes, in a different sense.

Hahahahahahahaha......Fidz you're gonna be the death of me! So, you’re telling me that you slept on the couch and that you overslept the next day cos you're tired? Cos of what (or who) exactly hmmmm? Hehehehe...I know you've been having fun with Mr. ******. I just know it.... I know your secrets. I'm watching you....You have seven days.

You know what people? I'm not exactly right in the head. I have one (yeah bloody right! More like ALL!) screw loose in my head somewhere. And to top it all off, I am bloody corrupted. No use hiding it now. Not when everyone knows just what exactly goes around in the mind of this "supposedly" innocent girl. Hey! I am you know! It's just that, well, meeting you BENdits corrupted me...Or did I corrupt you guys? Anyways, I'm just writing this to remind you guys just how loony I am. Hehehehehehehe........

FIDZY COLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just have one word for you and you only:

"TINY"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha...................(cough, cough)

Hahahahaha....Yeah, Fidz and me have done the poetry presentation. YEAH! Aaww...poor Julia couldn't join us. We hope you get well soon! But damn! We got there late and Ms. Adibah wasn't exactly in a good mood. Scared the Hell outta us. But at least we got it done and over with. After all those sleepless nights of typing.....*sigh* I slept at 5 am last night! I'm bloody sleepy right now but here I am on-line....hehehehe....I just can't help it...I'm addicted to the net.

Anyways...HEY! My birthday is in 9 days!!!!!! NINE DAYS! And that's also the name of one of my fave bands. Hehehehehe....what do I want for Christmas????? My two front teeth? Naaah...I have that already. Actually, I don't really know what I want. I think I have everything I need...Although....There is ONE thing I want, but I dunno how....Well, that's something I'll have to get myself and no-one can help me with that.

So, whatever it is....REST IN PEACE!

Hmmm.....it's incredible that you can feel absolutely depressed for a time, then feel joyful again in a blink if an eye....then, get back to feeling depressed again. It's a routine my life seems to take up. I go through the days experiencing too much for just one brain, heart, mind and soul to take. Bloody Hell, I don’t know why, but depression loves me. Heck, do I have the look that says "DEPRESSION! I'm yours!"? Heheh.....it's just a weird, weird world. But you know what's funnier? It's how no matter how depressed I am, externally I'm smiling. I don’t know whether that's cos depression just can't weigh me down, or it's just cos I'd rather keep it to myself....But then again, I keep jotting down stuff in here so, I can't be wanting to hide anything. To Heck with it, I'm me and even I can't seem to do anything about it ( not that I want to anyways). So, whatever it is, I'm living the life, according to Fidz: "Stumpy Style" Rocking on in fact...Hahahaha.....Ehemmm...okay, I'm going loony now so...bye bye peeps.

Hmm...feeling better than before. I’m not really down in the dumps anymore.

Heheheh....just came back from watching the Haunted Mansion with Julia, Anis, Zeph and Ash just now at Amcorp. Heheheh....had fun.

Your Personality Type is:
(Intuitive, Feeling)

As an NF, you have the following personality characteristics:
• You are enthusiastic
• You trust your intuition
• You yearn for romance and prize meaningful relationships
• You seek your true self and dream of attaining wisdom
• You pride yourself on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic
• You tend to be giving, trusting, and spiritual
• You are focused on personal journeys and human potentials
• You are an intense mate, nurturing parent and an inspirational leader

Your Core Type in the Population

NFs are rare, making up no more than 8 to 10 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

MASTERMIND
(Submissive Introvert Abstract Thinker )

Like just 8% of the population you are a MASTERMIND (SIAT). You can be silent and withdrawn, but behind your reserved exterior lies an active mind that allows you to analyze situations and come up with creative, unexpected solutions. Normal people call this "scheming." Don't learn German.

Anyway, your sense of style and originality are your strengths, and people will respect your judgment once they get to know you. If you learn to be a little more personable, you could be a great leader--you've definitely got the "vision" thing down. Just make sure all the plotting you do behind those eyes of yours is healthy.

Famous masterminds in television: Dr. Claw, The Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Montgomery Burns.

Angel by Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

There's this thing that I want to tell someone...I've wanted to tell him this for so long but I don’t know how, don’t know whether I should, what his reaction would be...I need to tell him. I really do. I don't want to let time pass by without him knowing what I feel, what I want to tell him. I sometimes think I took him for granted...did I? I kept it for an entire year and well, I don't think I can hold on anymore. Damn, there's so much I want to get off my chest but can't....Not now at least...*sigh*

Okay...I've toned down but I'm still not entirely stable just yet. I'm really just still in a daze. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, not really feeling. I'm numb. Like I just don't give a damn anymore, but the funny thing is: I actually do. Darn it, I'm confusing people again....

Look, I dunno why really I'm bleeding my heart for all to see right here but I guess it's just one of those times when I, as Ms. Ad puts it: THROW HABIT! Hehehehe....

On a lighter note, I'm damn crazy!!!! Especially when I go out shopping with Sarah. I'll just go wild! But then.... not as wild as Sarah. I'm a shop-a-holic, but I don't buy much cos I always try to save my money...What an irony huh? But when I'm with Sarah...I dunno, I just tend to buy more stuff. Maybe cos she tempts me to...

Whatever it is, Raya is like less in a week, so: SELAMAT HARI RAYA. Maaf Zahir & Batin!!!!

Damn.....would you guys believe me if I told you that I'm depressed? Seriously... This days I'm on the verge of crying-and that's saying something. I almost never cry. And even if I do, they're for reasons that just overcome me. And the past few days, well, you could say that the things I'm going through are just plain sucky.

My Akhlaq lecturer hates me and my friends (Julia, Sarah, Fidz, Zeph, Aaina)-Don't worry dudettes, we'll get through; my thoughts are so cloudy I just can't take it, and well, that's all I would tell to the public. But believe me, right now, I'm very close to breaking down.

I know, compared to other people, what I'm going through is nothing, but some things I just can't take. Listen, I'm not asking for help, I'm just venting out my feelings. There's no need to be worried, I'm ok...well, not REALLY but I'll get by. Just thought I'd let it out.

I'm starting to bare my soul these days..... I guess I'm getting tired of being too defensive of myself. Well, everybody's been wondering what goes on in my head. Me never opening up and all. Well, you guys wondered. So here's a peek. But when it all comes down to it, I'm only human. Take me as I am. For that's all I have to offer.

A lament from me for today:

Let there be fire.

For in me Hope has dimmed.

Let me be singed at the stake.

For what difference does a corpse and a dead heart make?

*Sigh* I am feeling absolutely tired. Burned out at times. Is it possible for me to feel this way? I know I don't look it, but I'm damn bloody tired. Sometimes I just feel like lying down and sleeping for days. No need to think, to feel....I don’t know. I sound depressed, don't I? I'm not really....Just tired. You know the feeling like you just want to put the entire world on pause and just sit back to sort out your head without worrying about life passing you by.

Where can I find a cure...? I just don’t know... I know it's near, but it's just bloody far. Out of reach. That's how life goes. Ironic.... I need release (I wonder whether that's the proper word to describe it). Something that can banish all my negative energy into oblivion. How am I supposed to manage that? It's seems so impossible. Is it? Sometimes I ask myself whether it was me myself who drove whatever comfort I SHOULD and DID have away. I know...sometimes I take things for granted. Sometimes it's just that I don’t know what to do. That's just me.

Maybe I am naive. As crazy and well, informative my mind is, I'm still this naive little girl. I am. I know I am. I just can't bring myself to comprehend that. At times, as mature as I act, I still need that simple feeling of solace to keep me sane. I'm not saying mature people don’t need solace. I just think that I've been trying too much to act like I can live my own life without being caught up with petty things to admit I need a little security sometimes.

Security, that's it. That's one thing I don't have. I can take care of myself, although I am scared at times... But what I'm trying to say is that: I don't have that feeling that there is a being or beings around me to keep me safe. Not just from bodily harm but things/people that can hurt me spiritually. I don't have that.... And I crave it. I had it once. For a short time...and how I savoured that feeling. I guess that's what makes it even worse, this empty feeling....The thought that I had lost the one thing that gave me that precious amount of solace, hurts me.

Yeah, I know now. I guess I feel empty. Devoid of the feelings that make me human. I'm not implying that I am being heartless but you know....What I'm saying is that there is an imbalance in the feelings I possess. I think there is more negativity than the optimistic ones. And that's what that is disturbing my being. The incompleteness......God, sometimes I wonder just what the Hell I'm trying to say...Does all this make sense to you?

Damn, again me and my soul baring. I've been doing that too much. Is it cos I've got this bleeding heart to give away? I just don’t know.....And I guess I'll never will; until I find that release I've been looking for so long....