Sup3rnality

He asks me:
What did I do to deserve you?
(As he wraps me in his arms and holds me close).

I tell him:
You didn't have to do anything.
I just love you for you.
(And I put my arms around him in turn, searching his face).


In my heart:
A million answers rushed to the fore.
Raising a storm that threatened to let the tears flow.
(I believe when all emotion is too much to bear for words to trail to follow, tears take its place).


All the other things I wanted to say:
You love me, and that's all there is to it.
Because you walked in and filled in the empty spaces in my heart.
Because we fit perfectly.
When things were darkest, you shone a light.
Because seeing your smile everyday is worth waking up for.
Because no one has made me smile inside and out so much.
Because you're everything to me.

....

All that, and a thousand more answers.

I love you, Sayang. More than words can ever express.
If I ever fail to say the things you want to hear, or I stumble when we're looking into each other, that's only because I haven't the words to say it, and perhaps never will. In my silence I'm falling deeper in love.

I'm wordlessly in love.

An hour until the clock strikes 12am.

An hour until I turn 24.

And before that bell tolls, not that there is one, but figuratively speaking; a few things have crossed my mind in quick succession in these past few days:

I am in my 24th year of living. At my age, my mother got married to my father. And at 24, my mother carried me for almost 9 months and gave birth to me at the end of the year. And while I am still far from walking in those shoes, it doesn't mean that I don't plan to. It doesn't mean that I don't want to. I'm longing to. I look forward to that day. I've found a man whom I love with all my heart and plan to be with for the rest of my life. When I think of the future, he is in every space of that vision, and no matter how long it'll take, I'll work to realize that future. When the time comes, and we will know when, we'll walk those shoes I'm can hardly wait to wear.

The year has been difficult. Painful. I've hurt in spaces of my heart I never thought could get hurt. My hair grayed when it shouldn't have. And I've cried for reasons I never thought possible. Many plans went destroyed. My heart got broken over and over. I've thought all was lost many times over. I've wanted to give up many times, and still do feel so. But...

I have a family who loves me unconditionally; despite my shortcomings and the pain that I can be. Friends near and far, in ways big and small, never fail to show me that they think of me, care for me and love me, even when I fail them. And my ever constant best friend, lover and simply, the other half of me, my Asdil, has showered me with love and has stood by me through everything. He's caught me everytime I stumbled, gave me his shoulders for my tears, and carried what I could not carry on my own. This year has been easier with him by my side.

So here's to 24 years of living. Here's to the achievements and downfalls. To my family and friends. To my darling, Asdil. Here's to life and more of it.

Life is long, and it can be difficult and it can be lonely, but when you are surrounded by love, pain ceases hold, and you breathe easier. When all is said and done, life is worth it in the end, because it's not what you suffered that you dread to miss at that the very last breath; but you remember the sweetness life has brought.

Love,
Hazlin

This is me disconnecting
This is me detaching
This is me walking in the rain
This is me dulling the pain.
You'll see me today. No.
You'll see me tomorrow.
Don't count on it, though
I won't show any sorrow.
I'm lying through these smiles
My head is far, miles and miles
My heart is hoping all the while
For these ends to reconcile.
Is this where I end the show?
See me leave and turn to go
Don't wanna wait for the jeers to sound
Or it that your call, calling me around? 
This is me hardhitting
This is me contemplating
This is me at the end of the rope
But tell me, is there still hope?

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Firelight, Firelight
In this car burning bright
We saw a shooting star that night
Trail ablazing, then out of sight
So beautiful and I touched your hand, light
Oh, I wish I may I wish I might
Have this wish I wish tonight.
Firelight, Firelight
With you, everything is alright
There is nothing to give me fright
Nor is there the want to take flight
You make me burn, oh you set me alight
With you, there is nothing left to fight
So one day, Sayang, let's do this right.


(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009


My Asdil and I saw a shooting star on last Sunday night on the way to Cyberjaya. I just happened to look up, and in a split second, we witnessed a burst of bright bluish light moving from West to East, then disappearing altogether. I've seen shooting stars before, but never as bright as this. It was so clear and seemed so close, that it was as though I could pluck it out of the sky...It was breathtaking. And while the wishing on a star is not something I practice or even something I (should) believe in, it was too magical to not get caught up in that fantasy.

Right in that moment, enjoying the late-night drive with my beloved, all I could wish for is for me and him to be together for always; because in my heart of hearts, that is all I can ever think of. There is nothing more that I could possibly want, not when I have my Everything.

I love you, Sayang.

I dislike it when people say "Oh, I don't have Facebook. It's become uncool now that everybody is using it", or "I don't Facebook, it's for losers with no life", or even "Facebook?! Yeesh! Why would I stoop that low?". Well, to each his own, really; especially to the last two instances but do you really have to be that rude and condescending? And to the first comment, I honestly think to myself: So why don't you stop breathing now since every single person on earth is doing the exact same thing?".

Well, boohoo to you people lah. I wouldn't really give a damn but it's just that people like that grates at your nerves. I FB and I have a life, thank you very much. And Facebook (and other social networking sites) has time and time again made my day.

So what do I use Facebook for? Well, on the whole, I connect with friends old and new via my FB account. I've learned things I never knew about them, reconnected with them, keep in touch and stay current with them, watch them grow and change, wish/greet/congratulate them when occasions occur etc. Of course there are other attractions life games and other applications, but FB has really widened the ways I could interact and socialize.

I know it may sound lame to some, doing so via lit screens, mouse-moving and tapping keyboards, but it works; and friends whom I've been separated from by miles and time don't seem all that far away. I mean, eversince primary school, secondary school and uni-life, friends go separate ways. Some leave the country, some lose contact, some just disappear and you have no idea how to find them. When I left school, things like handphones were still a luxury, hence we only got housenumbers. But people move, and so did I; so those numbers became void.

Apart from that, via the applications (especially the earlier ones, before the revolutionized FB), I've discovered much about what my friends think of me. For example, the app that has your friends choose 5 words they think apply to you; I was pleasantly surprised to know that the top 3 characteristics my friends chose for me were intelligent, attractive and sweet. That tells me that I've been doing good all this while, and I should keep it up. I've also read testimonials friends write about me that brings tears to my eyes, like the touching ones Hamzah and Alfred used to write about me. It really made me feel very appreciated. And earlier, when the privacy settings were still a little sketchy, random guys would message me with pickup lines and fancy embellished prose to get my attention. Yes, I do realize that probably only a fraction of them were sincere and the others were just scum wanting to get laid, but it still did the ol' ego good, thinking I at least had the stuff to get them to even bother to make an effort :p

One of the best wonder Facebook has done for me is that it reconnected me with long-lost friends. Like one guy whom was my "boyfriend" in playschool whom I've not heard from or seen since we left kindergarten. I met him online some years back and he is still as cheeky and sweet as ever, and the best thing is he remembers all the silly things we did back in the day :p Oh, and recently, I reconnected with an old friend I've not met in a decade, thanks to her moving to the states and not having her contact number. It's such a wonderful feeling to have found her again... And of all ways to find her, is when I suddenly got tagged by a friend who saw my picture in this long lost friend's album... Wanna see the picture? No prize for guessing which one am I. I think it's bloody obvious. But keep in mind I was 11 at the time :p

If you break me down, strip all the layers that build me up and buffer harm from touching vulnerable skin, there will be nothing left but bone. Just the make-up of my being, but none of the substance.

I am the parts of my life that brought me to this bend in the road. Every single fiber that knits itself together with this bigger picture is the essence of what I really am. There is no use trying to digest me whole if you could not appreciate the details. The patch of red on my cheeks, the brown shade of my hair, the scars on my face, the burn on my right arm, the lines on my palms, the spots on my shoulders... These are what I am made of, and if you plan to perfect it, you'll find that I won't be standing there as the mist clears.

My ego is what makes me me. I am built on it. Layered and coated by the hurt that pained me as I passed along in this existence. It is the scar tissue that healed itself time and time again to create an armor of webbed defenses. Take that away, and I stand as only a shadow of who I am.

Me. My confidence. My knowledge. My wit. My humour. My sympathy. My empathy. My love. My friendship. My intelligence. My thoughts. My everything... is built on the basis of my ego. I grew up being constantly criticized by my peers and by people whom I thought would know me better than that. Hurt as I was, I always knew I was better than that. And as much as I bled inside, I let it slide and heal over. I did not, no, could not let them beat me down and leave me in the dirt.

So I took the hurt and molded it into sympathy for the lessers. I took the pain and made it into insight and knowledge for things people would never understand. I took the accusations and turned them into love and trust. I took the jeers and developed my internal beauty. I took all the bad, and made it to good. It fed my ego. For without my belief in my superiority, I would have never have gotten far.

As years pass me by, I learned not to take crap from people. I developed an intense hatred and apprehension towards anyone who wanted to break me down, who wanted to humiliate me into submission, who wanted to shame me into compliance. No one could tell me I'm not good enough. No one. Cos I am not, and you cannot tell me otherwise. You can try, but I would not listen.

I am Superego. And you are?

Do not ask me if breaking my ego is what it takes to make me see reason, what it would take to see my errors, feel ashamed and worthless and drive me to do better to impress. This is not boot camp. This is no Full Metal Jacket. Breaking down and humiliating one's pride does not make for reverse psychology that will put me back on track. That is not how it works. Not with me anyhow.

You take down my ego, and you'll see every talent you ever thought I had stripped away. I'll be left with nothing. Whatever you thought I had would be gone. Whatever you thought I could do would have been raped away together with my armour. I would be nothing. Pointless. Meaningless. You would be throwing away all that I work for by taking my ego away from me.

So let me be. If this wasn't meant to be, let it be on my terms. Let me triumph in failure. Let me be. Let me see how this goes. Let me see how far I go. And if I'm lucky, I might join you all on the other side. If not, then I'll leave before the tide comes in.

Love,
Hazlin

Last night was a blast. Last night, which was Wolters Kluwer's 2009 Annual Dinner, held at Cyberview Lodge, Cyberjaya. After much anxiety and energy poured into the making of this night, it went by smoothly and much fun was had. I was tired by the end of the day, but it felt worth it.

As a Fun Inc representative, I was on the committee who organized the entire event. So I have been on my feet these past few weeks, and had months of meetings and brainstorming for this event to come to be. So I went through all the tears, the thrown-out ideas, and paperwork. But after much much discussions, we came up with this year's annual dinner with the theme, Madhatters! (we chose this theme due to budget constraints -- hats decor).

So last night was almost perfect. I didn't win any lucky draw prizes, but  it was good. I went as Cleopatra. I was in a red grecian-like dress, with two golden snakes wrapped around my neck, poised to attack, and my headgear? Beaded strands of hair, the classic Cleopatra headwear. Thankfully it acquired many compliments, but I was overthrown by another girl who came as Nefertiti :p But then again, as a committee member, I could not be in the running for best-dressed.

But...despite all that, the food was terrific (the herb mashed potato was awesome!), the company was good, I had fun dressing up, had a few laughs watching them play games, boogied down on the dancefloor with the rest of them when after the dinner, and reclined in a fantastic complimentary room (alone mind you, someone was not around to keep me company) where I am typing out this entry.

It was swell. I regret not bringing a camera (I was afraid my running around throughout the event would end up in it being lost) to take all the many highlights of the night, but it's ok. Hopefully there will be a lot of pics put up in the common drive. And it was fun seeing my colleagues let loose, watching them dance and all. The general manager, the bosses of bosses, Sunita, managed to pull me on the dancefloor and had me dance with her :p (I've never danced, like never, so it felt awkward and I so don't have rhythm).

It was a night to remember. And I hope next year would be just as great :)

*I'm loving the room... The bed and pillows are super-squishy and oh-so comfy. I have a huge tv to watch with many channels and I have a pc to use. I've stayed in the executive suite here long time ago, but this feels different, when you have the entire room to yourself. Although, I do pretty much wish I had some company.

Anyway, I'll try scavenging for photos tomorrow and will post them up when I can.

Love,
Linzy~

Moi?

I was, still am, but this is a bit much. I've been leaving the office between 11pm-1am nightly, and it's making me feel lonely. Wandering around between empty cubicles, looking out a dark window and jumping at every sound and every movement at the corner of my eye does not only creeps out the usually infallible me, but is a disease that eats into me. And that disease is called "loneliness".

In the silence of the office, so much so that all you can hear is your breathing and your fingers dancing along the keyboard, the echoing of your being alone reverberates all the more. And I am left wanting.

I miss my Asdil too much. Haven't seen him in over a week. We've been apart longer, but so much work and no reprieve nor comfort, I ache to be with him even more. And I'll be glad when this is over with; this product of mine that is causing me so much distress.

Well, it says 12.08am on the clock. I should be going home now...I have a feeling that there is so much more to do, and that tomorrow morning (which is the deadline), I'll be fighting for sanity. But, I'm tired, aching, and just plain exhausted of all effort and life for the day. Best I be on my way.

Goodnight, all. Goodnight Sayang.


Love,
Hazlin

Always knew we'd be fighting air
Not really seen but always there
The soft breeze blows through my hair
But blinds my eyes, not playing fair.

Dear air, I know you're there
I know you tease me, not to despair
Living in this space we share
We both know our worlds don't tear. 

Oh air, I know you've always been there
It's no place of mine to compare
You've lived a lifetime, oh no I don't dare
I'm hardly even worse for wear.

Let's leave this at this, if you care
I'm struggling, braving against your gale affair
These clinging constrictions I have to pare
Leave me like this, I'll see how I fare. 
(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

You ache too great
Too much quiver and quake
Fear not, dear, just wait
It'll come yet, not too late.


Beat slow, heart, slowly
Let not your eyes green in envy
In this game we do not race
We walk, we run, we go our pace.


Wait, love, let patience reign
Do not take heart, nor fall in disdain
For some it's closer and some in a distance
No fortune just falls in random happenstance.



Dear soul, don't weep in longing
This gap will be filled with no more wanting
Just let it be, let it run its course
All in good time, for good things aren't forced.


(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009


Written as a reminder to myself to be patient. All in good time, all in good time. 
Disclaimer: Picture credit to Backlitstranger@Deviantart.

Place: Authors A-K, Fiction aisle, Borders, The Curve

Time: 9.10 pm

Attendance: Meself and a copy of Margaret Atwood's "After the Flood" in my hand.

Okay, talking about escaping the "flood" is rather distasteful in light of the flash floods happening up north. It makes me feel like I am taking people's plight lightly while they are really suffering a flood. So excuse me, for while I am throwing the word around carelessly, I am not at all wanting to be insensitive.

The "flood" I am talking about here is Margaret Atwood's latest book "The Year of the Flood". I love the works of Margaret Atwood. I love her writing, the way she writes, the words she uses and the thoughts she invokes. Her writing usually leaves me with a full feeling; like I just had a huge dinner and I'm feeling content and letting it lazily digest as I relive the best flavours. Her writing is simply delectable.

I particularly love her poetry, her short stories and her dystopian novels. Not so much the other novels, although they too have their allure. But her dystopian novels are beautifully engaging and leaves you on a sort of high. Oryx and Crake was the first novel I read by her. Previously I read and loved her poetry, but Oryx and Crake left me aching for more. When I discovered The Handmaid's Tale, I just needed more from her. And I never knew that she was writing The Year of the Flood til that night when I went to Kinokuniya to pick up my latest Buffy Season 8 comic. It was only released last month, hence it being hardcover and my not knowing about it.

I wanted it. I craved for it. Why? Because it was another dystopian novel by Atwood. And not just any, but a sequel to Oryx and Crake. Oh how I wanted it. But at RM 109, that was a luxury that I couldn't afford.

But when I went to Borders, I saw that it cost RM87, with a discount with any other purchase. I wanted it... But as much as it was cheaper, and I could have bought it then, I knew it was too much to pay all at once for just one book. Sigh... It took all my willpower and self-reasoning to let go, as Ash tore me away from the book.

I survived that flood. As much as I was drowning in the want of it, I survived and I am here...without the book.

Although, I am planning to get it for my birthday next month. A little birthday treat to myself...Oh how I can't wait.

Linzy~

Possibly it was the overdose of horror movies from the Halloween specials some two weeks back. Or even my teammate Saiful's stories of how he and his wife often discuss escape strategies and safety measures in case of a zombie attack. And then, it could be the paintball tournaments I've been watching my Sayang play in til I almost collapsed cos of the intense heat.

I would definitely blame my intense zombie dream on all that.

My dream had the makings of a full-blown B-grade zombie horror flick. It had the signature humour, the sex -- oh yeah, there was the customary sex-scene gone wrong alright -- which was stunted by the zombie invasion, and of course the suspense, lame-ass scare-tactics and the mass hysteria, of course.

But come on, death by paintballs? This movie would have either joined the ranks of "The Dentist" and "The Candyman" (do you remember or have even heard of these movies? Well, if you had to look them up in IMDB, then these are obviously crap horror movies that don't even hold a special place in anyone's memory), or it would fall under the surprising cult-classic heading with the likes of "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" (hey, they even made a gorram cartoon ok? I watched it way back in the day) and "Little Shop of Horrors".

Perhaps it was that time Ash and I were talking about why paintball pellets were so expensive. He was telling me that the whole paintball sport has yet to be picked up, so demand was low, hence the hefty price. Go figure lah. So this was possibly the main recipe of my dream.

My dream began like how a movie would. Here's a family in sleepy town in the middle of somewhere. The family featured is mine. Here's daddy and my other daddy, and my mommy and other mommy, and my brother and sister, and of course me and my boyfriend and these are our neighbours and friends. As soon as the characters were introduced, here comes in the invasion! From outta nowhere, the place is overrun with slow, dimwitted zombies; who walk at 10cm per minute. And while people are either being eaten or running off to hide -- and since what should kill them ain't working, ie shooting them in the head and decapitation -- Ash used a paintball marker to hit one and get it disoriented so we could run....but lo and behold, the zombie just dies :p

Hurrah, yay!

Now what? Well, people flocked all available paintball shops of course. Suddenly paintball markers and pellets were in demand. Even the softened, dissolving pellets were being sold. And the rejected ones which were irregularly shaped were sold at RM15 for 200 pieces. I know this, cos I bought 'em :p I bought a whole bag and got meself a gun.

And so we fought. It was war. I was one of those in the front lines as usual. Standing by and fighting when I can. And in between were of course, as mentioned, the sex (life or death situations always seem to bring this about) which was thwarted by the sudden arrival of more zombies and some family drama thrown in. At one point, while hiding in a dark bedroom, a bloody zombie sat on me without realizing it, and as soon as it occurred to the monster that he was sitting on a person, he attacked, but Ash shot it right at the back of the head, while I shot it right in the face.

See, these zombies could only die if the paintballs came into contact with their skin. And it takes about two shots to do the trick.

It was a weird dream indeed, scary and also very heart-pounding. But it ended abruptly, with us voluntary soldiers against zombies cornered and backed up against the wall of a place that looked like a warehouse with every zombie in the vicinity coming in through the doorway. It ended like that...hanging and unresolved. Possibly a sequel is in the works :P

You'd wonder where I get all these dreams. Well, when you constantly talk of zombies (and hey, I went to see Phobia 2) with your colleagues and watch your boyfriend and his friends play paintball, you're bound to get a mash up of such visuals sooner or later.

I blame these guys (and gal) for my dream :p







If a zombie invasion happened, I would probably have a zombie extermination unit and a training academy to fight off zombies.

I'd have this in every home:


I'd have these posters put around:
Curse you, zombies!

Credits: The pics are from api.ning.com, geekologie.com, 12ozprophet.com, and marcvz.net.

My mother called me late last night and asked me to watch TV3, and check whether it was my good friend, Hamzah, who was in the Malaysian Punk'd wannabe. True enough, it was my one and only dear Gorilla friend.

I only caught the last bit and didn't really know what happened earlier in the show. Thankfully, they put it up online so i could have meself a hearty laugh looking at Hamz's panicked face.

Hamz, you always did give me a laugh when the chips were down back in school. And you still do. Cheers, dear :)

BANG BANG BOOM 4: Ep 5

Tomorrow is moving day.

Or rather, later today, seeing how it's already 1am as I type this.

I'm glad and I'm thankful to be out of that hellhole of a house with those two rude, money-faced, irresponsible and immature Indomees. However, I feel very bad about the girls who took over my place, the girls that ensured my being able to move out. They have now become unwilling scapegoats for my escape. My gain became their loss; and now the Indomees are harassing them, forcing them to pay for things they didn't use; after all, they've only lived there a week.

I feel bad and glad; and those two are not sure-fire recipes for the jollies. Conscience is getting in the way of relief, but as far as I am concerned, my work here is done. It's their turn to face the evil Indomees. But knowing me and my constant worrying, I cannot sit still knowing these girls are in turmoil. They're being harassed because of me, because of my not wanting to give in to the demands of that horrid and rude and insensitive Indomee, Anna. And it's totally not their fault. I stuck them with the problems I previously faced, which was in a way my intention, because I know that Indomee will never see reason. But after getting to know those girls and after how nice they've been, the heart gets in the way.

*sigh*

We'll see how this works out in time. It's tiring and it's unnecessary stress. But this is a cross that I have unknowingly let drop onto my shoulders, so I shall carry it as far as I can.

Love,
Linzy

The week has been exhausting.

I'm homeless.

I'm overworked.

I'm hungry.

I'm lonely.

I would love a break.

But I am glad for one thing, and that is being out of the house with those two Indomee (term coined by Sarah) girls. I no longer live there. I can say sayonara b*tches and never see them ever again. I couldn't take their crap and their astoundingly overpriced bills any longer. I just got meself replacements, and found myself a new place away from them. Too bad I had to con three girls into taking up rent with those Indomees, but for sanity's sake, I'd have to turn the other cheek.

But then, the head b*tch of the duo have been annoyingly rude to me which ruined my mood a few days back; but my solace is that they can't really track me down. Not really anyway. So I hope they would get the hell outta my life and leave me alone. After their extortion, their causing my laptop to get stolen, their using up my things, their rudeness, their ruining my car seat and other offences, I will not be taking any more.

So that's one relief. The only catch is that, I had to move out on the 23rd and I could only move in to my new place on the 1st of November. That means that, for one week, I will be homeless. And I will have to live in Seremban. And I would have to travel back and forth every morning and evening; which burns a hole in my wallet cos of petrol and toll, not to mention it wears me out like crazy and I'm out like a light by 10.30pm. Then up I get at 5.30am and am out the door at 6.30am and I get to work around 7.30am. I leave at about 7.30pm and reach home around 8-9pm. I eat and then I sleep and the cycle begins again. It's only been 4 days and I'm already worn out.

On top of that, it's been a busy week. Fun Inc organized a 3-day Diwali celebration which involves dressing up, henna tattoos, palm reading, Bhangra dancing and eating. I've barely had time to do my work and my work is piling up like crazy. I haven't been going out for lunch and I've been very hungry. I haven't had enough sleep. And most of all, I miss my Asdil like crazy.

If there is one person who could make everything else feel weightless, it's him. And I miss him so terribly much. I can't wait to see him when everything resumes as the usual.

So for now, I'm trying to be patient. And I'm looking forward to another new beginning in a new place. So I'll endure this exhaustion and wait til I could breathe again.

Love,
Linzy

I'm going fast, going slow
Sometimes I feel like letting go
Can't find the road to follow
Looking 'round for someone I know.
Fist tight, eyes wide
Taking in everything in weary sight
Feel like I'm thinking but can't decide
Out in the open with nowhere to hide.
Take my hand, feel it shake
The earth is still and yet I quake
What is it of this moment to make
Oh, just how this heart aches.
Put me back where I was, please
I'm begging, I'm down on my knees
And when I am whole, and this hurt cease
I'll be me again, or better, at least. 


(c) Hazlin Aminudin

Convocation went by on the 12th like it didn't even disturb the air. A rustling of leaves in the background, all too soon swept away and forgotten. So much for the swaying branches and holding of breaths as it momentarily suffocates; it is over too soon for the tattooing of a memory against the mind. Life resumes as normal, it was nothing but a few hours in a lifetime.

It's funny how something you wait your whole life for, look forward to the whole year, prepare for, splurge on, ends in no more than 10 seconds. You couldn't even hear the ticking of the seconds going by even if you listened; the moments move by much to rapidly between the space of time from point one to the X that marks the spot you stand on to receive the mock scroll, where you smile a mock smile, and mock happiness when all you feel is crappiness.

Convocation was...not what I had envisioned. Not what I had in mind. Not the way I wanted it to be. Not the way I planned. Not the way I thought it would feel. Not everything that it could have been. I was disappointed. I was angry. I was sad. I was crying. At the end of the day after dropping Mine at TTDI, my head hurt and my eyes were blurring with tears and confusion that I almost ran a red light and drove into cars crossing the junction from the right. The road had a streak of my tyre's skid marks. People glared from their cars. I turned around and drove back to Fidzy's. Back to Mine's arms. I bunked at Fidzy's overnight cos I didn't have the strength to drive with sanity anymore.

Yesterday felt more like Convocation than the Monday before did. I took my scroll. Took my DVD. Took my photos. Took my Commemorative book. I kept my mortarboard. I felt...graduated. Albeit still standing alone with all of that in-hand, but I felt accomplished, done. I was only missing my robes.

I'd like to say, "Don't ask me about my Convocation"; because it was a climax never reached. So much unachieved potential hung in the air heavy on my back. But to even begin to say why, would be going far beyond the extent of my exhibitionism, and will take longer to tell than the human ear can take. And to decline to explain and a shake of a head will only invite more questions too difficult to have answers for. So if you were to ask me how convo was, I'd just nod my head, smile, and give that mock smile I gave as I received my mock scroll. It was alright, I'd say. But not in entirety alright.

My Convocation and I, we have a love-hate relationship. For the most part, I love it for being what it is, it's mine, and it was my day or few seconds of glorification, even if the rector forgets my name in the next second. It was a few hours of seeing once-familiar faces, faces of whom I am unsure of whether I will ever see again. It was a moment in a lifetime I have looked forward to all my life that I will never get back. But I hate it, because with it came the tide of sadness and anger and a tinge of betrayal. I shrank into myself, had my feelings hurt and emotions toyed with, and when the day came around, I was hard and unfeeling, defensive and angry. And in years to come, looking back at this moment, all I will ever think of is how my plans and my hopes for that moment came down in crash of...anger? Selfishness? Insensitivity? I cannot find the words... But that day will always be shadowed in darkness over what it never was, and the reason that lead to that.

Convocation came and it went, without so much of a goodbye. I stare out the window and wonder where it went; missing something that I never really got to know. Convocation came and went, and it left me standing alone amongst a crowd with a weight in my arms and in my heart. And it's more than I could carry.

But all the same, Happy Convocation, friends. It was good to see your smiling faces... Good luck in life, and may we cross paths again.

Love,
Linzy~

How do you miss something that was never yours? Long for something never felt? 
How do you touch something that doesn't have form? Cry for something that doesn't feel?
How is that you see a smile on me, even one that isn't real?

Come tame these tepid waters. Excite them. Use them. Make them yours. Yours; even as they seep slowly through the space between your fingers. Tease them, bruise them, and let them fall back into the raging rapids. Hesitate a moment, and they won't be there again.

These eyes cannot bear the blatant spectrum of splashed droplets against the midday sun. And yet, and yet... Even as the current tantalizes and entices and begs me to dive in; I am too broken and I am too torn to even break the surface.

~Hazlin

Oh be still Heart,
Be still;
You're much too fragile.
A simple glance,
His winning smile,
The touch of his hand,
And the depth of his eyes;
Makes you skip beats,
Heartstopping flips,
And flutter like a leaf.
Deep breaths, now
Deep breaths.
Catch it when you can.
But he looks at me,
Puts his arms around me;
And it begins again.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Alrighty, then. Here's another thing that I've been wanting to type out for some time.

My laptop was stolen. Well, not exactly mine. It's my brother's; which doesn't make the situation any better since now I have to buy two: one for myself and one for my brother to replace the one that got stolen.

Well, anyway. After having dinner with Ash at our favourite Arabic restaurant, I returned home to watch some dvds that I borrowed from Carol. It was then I realized that my laptop was not at it's place. My heart hammered like crazy against the wall of my chest. And as realization hit, my heart sank. It was not misplaced, nor could it be outside. My laptop is always in that one place, and I've never taken it into the living room ever. If it's not there then...

Yes, no doubt about it. From the moment that I found my laptop not where I left it, and it was not in the surrounding area, I knew for sure that it was gone. And sure enough, upon investigating, someone crept in through the ventilation window of my bathroom. See, I have the master bedroom which has its own bathroom. The bathroom has this huge ventilation window which opens to the laundry room. So anyone in the house can pretty much get into my room provided that they can open up the ventilation window. So when I had a look, there was a chair propped against the wall to climb up into the window, into my bathroom and into my room. And voila, no more laptop.

I was down. I felt like I was grabbed and thrown into the deep end, leaving me cold and drowning. I could not explain how horrible I felt, and how stupid and just angry at myself. Ash holding me provided me comfort, but the voices in my head kept blaming myself over and over. I know I can't possibly blame myself, but I couldn't help asking what-ifs over and over.

My parents came and we reported to the police. The biggest suspects were of course my housemates; especially seeing how there was no sign of a break-in, and that it was most likely an inside job. I dunno though. I wanna say it's them, especially since I had been arguing with one of them about the extremely expensive monthly bills (what should usually be just slightly less than RM50 in other places became RM158) just the day before. So if there was a motif, that could be it; their dissatisfaction with my not wanting to pay and then stealing my laptop as compensation. Also, one of them always have a bunch of guys over, and the police were saying that a couple of guys could have easily climbed in and swiped it. It wouldn't be a surprise... But was it my housemates and their cronies? Or was it someone who sneaked in somehow? Especially since my housemates are so careless as to always forgetting to lock door or stuff like that. I dunno... Personally, I wanna say that it was my housemates, my housemates and their friends, or just their friends...but that would be bad of me. But I dunno. When I called them to tell them of what happened, they didn't bother to come back, nor did any of them ask if their rooms were affected... It was as though they knew that it would only be me who would be in that crap.

The police weren't of much help as expected. They aren't gonna bother to take samples of the many fingerprints on the dusty window or at least take the initiative to question my housemates. They just questioned one of them and went through her things... but they didn't ask the other girl in whom my biggest suspicion lay. All they said in the end was that I should move out. And that was it.

*sigh*

There's nothing I can do now, of course. It's gone. And I am in a bloody huge debt. Not to mention that I am petrified of what can happen with the photos in there. I mean, I love taking photos, and pictures can easily be doctored or what not... It's been almost a month since, but I still am scared of all that.

Anyway, I don't feel like talking about this any more. It's starting to make me feel upset. I'll think of happier things to write soon. Bye.

Love,
Linzy

Alright, rant time. I haven't done this in a while, so allow me my luxury.

I effing hate my housemates. No doubt about it. I hate hating people. And I always give people the benefit of a doubt whenever I get angered my something they do. But these housemates of mine keep reaping them benefits and never give anything back. Not that I want any, but I expect to be treated just as fair.

First of all, there was that time when we all first moved in back in June. Having just known one another and all, the three of us (there's me and 2 girls from the country that begins with 'I' and ends with 'ndonesia' who are students in MMU) decided we should go out and buy groceries together for the house so we all get what we want and we all can bond or something. What miffed me the first time was when they all decided on Monday. So Monday at 8pm, I got ready and waited for them to come home so we could go. But no, they didn't turn up, and nobody called right until almost 2 hours later. I let it slide thinking it was a genuine mistake. So we planned to go the next day.

The next day, just before I left, I discovered that something I had placed outside as it did not fit my room was missing. Later they told me they lent it to their friend. Okaaayyyy...wtf? It's not yours and you lend it to a friend whom the owner does not know? That's just plain dumb. I would expect it from a 6 year old, but not from those who are in their 20s. Then my disassembled shoerack which I wanted to put in my room magically assembled itself and was put outside and had shoes piled upon it with only one slot for shoes left. You'd think that knowing the rack belongs to someone else you'd not take the liberty to just assemble it and use it? And not just use it, but take up all the space, which would probably have fitted 15 pairs, and leave just one for me?

It doesn't end there. So we went out to grocery shop. We bought what we needed. On the way back, the girl sitting in the backseat kept asking for tissue. I didn't think anything then. Then we decided to stop and have dinner. When we got to a restaurant and sat down, the two girls started conversing in their dialect and stole glances at me. I didn't think anything of it. That is, until tomorrow afternoon, when I was about to get into the car after leaving the office. I was assaulted by an unpleasant smell and upon investigating, I found that the backseat was covered by some weird-looking substance that had dried up and was sticking to the seat. It was all over. Even on the car door. And there were bits of tissues which were left there where she had wiped. I was fuming. I straightaway went to get my car cleaned and texted her about it. She ignored it. She didn't even apologize or acknowledge it. And after that, whenever I was around, she never left the room. Or as soon as I entered my room, I hear her come out. Stupid *****.

And now this. Alot of the everyday necessities are mine. Cos I buy mine and use mine. I don't like using what belongs to others unless it is expressly mentioned that I can use them. And even then I'd rather buy my own cos I would feel uncomfortable using something that isn't mine. But these girls seem to think that what's mine is theirs and what's theirs is theirs. I love doing laundry, and yesterday I found that my detergent and softener which was substantially full just the other day to be finished. Zero. Zip. Zilch. I mean, what the heck? If you finish it, don't you have the decency to buy a new one? What do I look like, a banker?

And also, I found that my bucket that I wash my precious lingerie in was defiled when one of them decided to use it to put paint in so that she could repaint her room. What the fricking hell man. And today, the other girl is using it to stuff paper mache'-like thingies for her art project. I wouldn't have minded if it was used for a cleaner purpose... but this is for dirty stuff. And why couldn't they even ask permission...? Why is it so hard?

Don't think that I'm being a petty princess who doesn't like to share. I love sharing. I do not like hoarding things knowing that it could help others. But if I were in their shoes, I would use my common sense. I would not use something belonging to others without permission, especially if my purpose for it would involve dirtying it and maybe upsetting the owner. If I dirtied or spoiled something not belonging to me, I would take the initiative to clean or replace it and profusely apologize. And I will definitely not use something until it finishes if that thing belong to someone. So you see what I mean?

This people have a problem with their brain not functioning. This is common sense. This is something we should know by instinct... But I guess these girls just don't have it. It would be too mean to say it is a trait from where they come from, but I've met other people from there and they are not stupid like these two. I tire of this stupidity... I can't wait to find a new apartment and move out.

Linzy~

I guess I haven't mentioned this yet since I haven't been writing for a while, but I have a blogshop now. Yes, I've finally submitted to the temptation, the calling was too great, as Ash says I am the typical Kelantanese, eager to start a business :p

By the way, before I forget, the URL for my blogshop is:
http://heartwear-vintage.blogspot.com
(I have to remember that I haven't updated in the longest time and there are many things that are missing from this blog regarding what's been happening...sigh)(and oh, this blog is only the first in many. I plan to start with vintage first, and I'll soon expand to other types).

But yeah, I've started since July and it's been fun. Business is good and I love choosing the clothes and then taking pictures of them and posting them up. Oh, I neglect to mention, I sell vintage clothes; old-fashioned dresses that can't grow old cos they already are. But since my laptop got stolen (yes, something else that has lessened my entries and something I have yet to tell), I haven't been able to upload more dresses to sell. So I decided to take part in the Enspired Events Bazaar at Subang Square@SS15 on the 5th of September last week.

Despite the messiness, which I do not want to discuss here, it was fun. I got to experience having a store in a bazaar, I got to know new people and I had fun with Ash, who was with me throughout the day. For that, thank you Sayang for putting up with whatever fuss and problems that occurred, you know what they are. Thank you for being patient and for being with me. I love you..

Here are the pics!




Love,
Linzy

I've been silent for quite a long while. And again I cite the fact that life has been so good (despite its many tests of endurance along the way) these past few weeks that any other sort of comfort, ie writing, has become redundant. So let me put myself back on the map here bit by bit where I can.

I had the most wonderful dinner last night. I love little gestures that make my heart jump and skip. And Ash did just that --- other than the usual times :) --- when he surprised me by taking me out for dinner by the beach in Bagan Lalang, where we had a wonderful dinner together by ordering fresh seafood cooked to our preference. It was yummy! Even myself, not being a seafood fan, loved it. We had ikan pari bakar (grilled sting ray), sotong goreng tepung (squid fried in batter), and sweet and sour lala (sweet and sour clams); a perfect combination for a meal for two.

Earlier, tired from work, I asked Ash to decide on where to eat since I was worn out and couldn't think. I woke up an hour or so later with him telling me to get ready to drive to Perak. Instead, he took me on twists and turns into inner roads and surprised me as we turned the corner and we were welcomed by the sight of the setting sun, casting shades of purple, pink and orange on the sea's water. It was a pleasant surprise that gave me a rush, and I regretted telling him earlier that seafood wasn't high on my list, as it deflated his surprise.

But Sayang, you know I loved it anyway. The food was good and the company was wonderful. And you know wherever there is you, everything becomes beautiful. Thank you for dinner that night... Can we go again?

Love,
Linzy

grace said to me:
there is no me in you
no harmony in your tune
no rhyme in your reason
too lopsided to be even.
and beauty says:
alas, i've no part
to paint you an art
your chase too far in a rush
too brief for a stroke of the brush.
but it is no matter to me
i am not only what is seen
my grace is my passion
and there is beauty in imperfection.

Spur of the moment litanies twined together between doing my laundry, washing the dishes, folding my clothes and having dinner. Hence, it was not thought out too carefully.

Lowercase intended; thought it would serve to emphasise the feeling of insignificance. Ironic ain't it? "Emphasising" insignificance.

I would very much like to begin this entry by explaining my long absence... But I think now is not the time; suffice to say my silence was due to weeks of much contentment that any other release I might find (in this case, writing) would prove to be incomparable.

So for now, let's overlook the fact that I have been away for a month now, and pretend that I have been writing here as I always have.

Since Thursday night last til today, I have been suffering from a torturous fever. I know that I was in much pain when it obliterates all other past memory of pain that I might have felt before. It has been unbearable. It left half-delirious for most parts, dazed and confused, and put my temperature on a see-saw. For most of those days, I felt like my brain was being boiled from the inside out. I was so hot on the inside that no bathing or drinking could assuage the fire. And no matter how much I drank, my mouth was dry and my lips were parched. And the headache was a test to my ability to hold on to my sanity.

In one week, I met with 6 doctors, been to 3 clinics and 2 hospitals, and had numerous needles jabbed into me whether for drips, blood-taking, or to administer medicine. And after it all, they still cannot give me an answer on what I have.

I have been whacked back and forth like a rubber ball by doctors who do not know what to do with me. Clinics refer me to other clinics, and then finally one clinic refers me to a private, specialist hospital. Said specialist hospital tested me for dengue and it came back negative, so they got scared and referred me to the GH cos they are not equipped to test for H1N1. The fact that I was in Melaka last weekend made them even all the more eager to get me out of their hospital, since Melaka is the worst-hit state with H1N1 cases. I go to the GH's emergency unit and the doctor doesn't even bother to do a blood test or a throat swab and "magically" comes up with the diagnosis that I have viral fever.

And I am left in the cold wondering, "WTF?"

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that the doctor did not say I have Influenza A/H1N1. But how does he know really? He didn't follow the procedure I hoped he would. So who's to know if his diagnosis was correct? I could be a walking timebomb for all I know.

Believe me, I am scared. I am alone in my room in Cyberjaya, scared to go to work, and feeling damn scared that if I'm another misdiagnosis horror story, I would be just another number in the statistics. I'm scared.

I'm scared because I am not confident of that doctor's abilities and that he might dismissed me too fast. I'm scared because many of my symptoms could pass off for that. And while the symptoms are pretty much the same as a normal fever...I don't wanna be too safe. The death toll is rising, even among healthy young people. I've read about the complications that happen mostly in the younger generation and how their bodies just shut down. And this scares me even more.

So now I sit here and am contemplating driving myself to the hospital in Putrajaya. I'm scared to go, cos I'm afraid I might not be able to drive myself in the best sense of judgment...but, I dunno...

I want Ash to be here so desperately.

Scared,
Linzy

I've been busy.

Planning.

Buying.

Conspiring.

Hence, the lack of much needed words to be typed into this space. But I needed to prioritize, and while this is important to my sanity, there was another thing that needed much attention paid to it.

I was elected as Aust-B's team representative for the Fun Inc. group. And once having done so, Fun Inc is planned for tomorrow to be the next Dress-up Day. Only this time around, it would be a team thing, and the best team would get a sum of money for them to spend. And after discussing in our weekly meeting, we all decided to become vampires in entirely black attire. So my having been made team representative, I went all out to make sure we will do great and win. So far, most of the team seems to be very game. So I hope the turn out will be super.

We've been keeping it a secret so to not be a "dead" giveaway since the "stakes" are high. We wanna win this thing and give the other teams something to sink their teeth into.

I've made a banner that'll hang over our team's corner of the office that says: "Blood Donation Drive: Donors Needed". And we'll keep mum throughout the day, being only in our black clothes. But during our assembly, we'll bare our fangs and give them a bite!

So tomorrow, my ensemble is this:

• A black lace knee-length dress
• Blood red heels
• Blood red nail polish
• Blood red lipgloss
• Black dangly earrings
• Vampire fangs
• A cape
• My JWIMMN/Whedonite badge
  

I can't wait to see what the others will be wearing. I so hope we win. That'll make me proud, having been just recruited and all into Fun Inc.

So, wish me and my team luck. Hope to have pictures to put up tomorrow!

Love,
Hazlin

P/s: I am a Whedonite. I shall not in any be associated with Twilight for dressing up as a vampire. Hence my wearing my "Whedonite" badge...nevermind the fact that no one would understand it :p

Rules: Be honest no matter what.

If I tag you, you have to do one!

1.) Have you ever been asked out?
Yes, and almost always from strangers. Getting stalked in shopping complexes by guys trying to push peddle their phone numbers to me are not strange; scary though :p

2.) Where was your default picture taken?
Since I took this from FB, it was taken during Mimi's wedding in Ampang. If it's the Blogger picture, it was taken the next day after Ash and I were official, at my house in Seremban.

3.) What's your middle name?
I don't have one. Unless you wanna count the 'binti'.

4.) Your current relationship status?
Happily unavailable and taken :))

5.) Does your crush like you back?
Erm, re: above, taken; so no crush.

6.) What is your current mood?
Hungry...

7.) What color of underwear are you wearing?
Errr.....white with blue buterflies.

8.) What color shirt are you wearing?
Not shirt, but a red dress with white flowers on them.

9.) Missing something?
Someone: My Sayang <3

10.) If you could go back in time and change something, what would you do?
Nothing. If I changed anything, it might jeopardize the wonderfulness of my life today :) But if I had to choose, I'd probably go back in time and rescue my cats whom I sorely miss til now.

11.) If you must be an animal for one day, what would it be?
I want to be a bird of prey cos I wanna fly, but I don't want to be gobbled up by bigger birds :p

12.) Ever had a near death experience?
Erm... I don't think I have. But I once almost drowned in a river.

13.) Something you do a lot?
Squeeze the pores on my nose...I do it so annoyingly much that the skin of nose keeps peeling.

14.) The song stuck in your head?
'Glorious' by Natalie Imbruglia

15.) Who did you copy and paste this from?
Edwan's FB note :p Thanks, Edwan!

16.) Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Jesus.

17.) When was the last time you cried?.
On the phone with my Encik Sedil some weeks back when I felt demotivated and dejected.

18.) Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
Yes, a few times in front of the entire school.

19.) If you could have one super power what would it be?
Strength. So that I can go anywhere without fear.

20.) What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
The eyes. But I have a thing for hands, too :p

22.) What's your biggest secret?
I'm not Hazlin.

23.) Favorite color?
Blue.

24.) Do you still watch kiddie movies or tv shows?
I do on occasion. But I prefer serious movies and tv shows.

25.) What's on your walls?
At the moment, nothing.

26.) What are you?
Myself; a product of my choices, judgment and thought.

27.) Do you speak any other language?
Malay, Whedonesque.

28.) What's your favorite smell?
*grin* Honestly, it's private :p

29.) Describe your life in one word.
Worthwhile
* curi Edwan's word, but that's exactly what was on my mind :p

30.) Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Not--yet.

31.) What are you thinking about right now?
Nak balik rumah and tido.

33.) What should you be doing?
Work, and also figuring out my team's costume for dress up day.

34.) Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
People whose names I won't mention. No one tells me what to do, or can/cannot do, and these two thought they could.

35.) How often do u talk to God?
As often as my undeserving self can.

36.) Do you like working in the yard?
Not really. I probably wouldn't mind so much if I wasn't a mosquito magnet.

37.) If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
A last name would mean changing my father's name, thus, I would be someone else's child. So honestly, I don't want one.

38.) Do you act differently around the person you like?
Maybe. But if I'm comfortable with him, after a while, I'd be my normal self.

39.) What is your natural hair color?
Dark brown.

40.) Who was the last person to make you cry?
I don't remember. I usually cry by my own accord, and never give the satisfaction to a person who deem that I would break to their manipulations.

Love, Linzy.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write down your wedding plan! At the end, tag the person whose wedding plans you'd like to know.

1. How old are you?
- 23 going on 24 in half a year's time.

2. Are you single?
- Happily not :)

3. At what age do you think you'll get married?
- Before I complete 3 decades of living. Or in other words, before I turn 30.

4. Do you think you'll be marrying the person you are with now?
- I hope and I pray for that to be so. I can't see myself with anyone else.

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
- Errr...it has never crossed my mind. Not one to fantasise about other men :p

6. Who will be your bridesmaid or best man?
- Erm...to avoid conflict, I would have my lil sis, Haida, as my bridesmaid. As for the best man, that's for my Sayang to decide.

7. Do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
- Traditional. Have always fancied getting married in the Shah Alam mosque.

8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
- If I could, somewhere in Europe.

9. How many guests do you think you'll invite?
- As many people as possible. But I'd wanna have an intimate gettogether with close friends later for some laidback lepaking.

10. Will that include your exes?
- They will be on the invitation list. They all stayed on good terms and as good friends with me, after all.

11. How many layers of cake do you want?
- Uuhh... never really thought about it. I'd think the actual food we'd be eating is more important :p

12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
- Early morning, just when dawn is breaking.

13. Name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.
- Never really thought about it... I shall ponder on that soon.

14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon, fork and knife?
- No stuck-up, pretentious fine-dining, please. Just good old traditional Malay cuisine and everyone can have a go at it either with their hands or with fork and spoon.

15. Champagne or red wine?
- Limau ais, please. Or anything as quenching.

16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
- Right after the wedding, thank you very much. I'd like to cherish our union by ourselves. And I'll have my phone on silent the entire trip :p

17. Money or household items?
- Household items...shall I make a list?

18. How many kids would you like to have?
- Ermmm...I dunno, 4 maybe?

19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
- Which parts of the honeymoon are we referring to here? Hrmmm....? Knowing me, I'd want as many visual recordings of memorable memories as possible; but with that in mind, that'll mean a lot of footage will be kept for private viewing pleasure only :p

20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
- Sesiapalah yang sudi. I was bored, so I decided to do this. So, anyone else just as bored as I am, go right on ahead.

2. Had brunch at Bundo Kanduang Nasi Padang restaurant.
5. Watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
8. Talked to my Sayang before bed.

But--but-- I don't watch TV. Ah well, I'll just put the only shows I do watch, that is by the genius, Joss Whedon *bows*.
3. Firefly
And the others that I watch occasionally:
6. Friends

This is called 50 FIRST REACTIONS... type what comes to your mind FIRST whenever you hear these 50 words. Don't think and don't go back and change. Doesn't matter how random just type it! Repost it for all of your (bored) friends.

1. Beer: I hate the smell!
2. Food: Eat!
3. Relationship(s): Comfort
4. Crush: What crush?
5. Power Rangers: Never watched it.
6. Life: is beautiful.
7. The President: Barack
8. Yummy: Salmon, please!
9. Car: My silver Viva, Whedon'S Minion.
10. Movie: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, here I come!
11. Halloween: "Everybody hail to the Pumpkin King"
12. Sex: Oohh.
13. Religion: Fundamental. Inherent.
14. Hate: A rare emotion, reserved only for the deserving.
15. Fear: Losing.
16. Marriage: I can't wait.
17. Blondes: become green in chlorine.
18. Slippers: Flip-flops. Thongs.
19. Shoes: Nike.
20. Asians: I am one.
21. Pass time: Blogshopping.
22. One night stand: Whatever for?
23. My cell Phone: A never-leave-home-without must.
24. Smoke: Runny-nose inducing.
25. Fantasy: Too many.
26. College: Good times.
27. High school Life: Out of place. Always felt too old, then.
28. Pajamas: Unnecessary.
29. Stars: Wanna sleep beneath them.
30. Center: Off.
31. Alcohol: Don't drink and drive, among other don'ts.
32. The word "love": My Sayang!
33. Friends: My (in)sanity.
34. Money: Once a luxury, now a necessity.
35. Heartache: Hurts.
36. Time: flies too fast.
37. Divorce: An option I hope to never ponder on having.
38. Dogs: Loyal.
39. Undies: Bikinis!
40. Parents: Ibu & Bapak. Mum & Dad.
41. Babies: Hopefully, some of my own one day soon.
42. Ex: All on good terms with.
43. Song: Soundtracks to my life.
44. Color: Blue is the colour of calmness.
45. Weddings: Make me wistful and wanna cry.
46. Pizza: Dominoes! Something I have a little too often in Cyberjaya.
47. Hangout: I miss Bangi Kopitiam.
48. Rest: is being close to my Sayang.
49. Goal: To make an impact.
50. Inspiration: The works of Joss Whedon.

Breaking the sound barrier, we are condensed to be one, moving united at a speed to the chagrin of the dropping pressure. We are supersonic. We boom.

But we all know I'm no pilot. No captain. No first mate. I was tethered to the seats as this plane took off for a ride. I was strapped in and was forced to watch the flight attendants put on their wordless pantomime of how to not die. Thinking back, I wish I could have passed out at least and skip straight to the landing. I didn't book this flight. I just happened to be in transit.

My ears popped as we came in for touchdown. Words so clear and no longer a muffled irateness that left me yelling to be heard. Trying to speak over the din of the pilot chattering on as the plane sways dangerously through the turbulence. But now we're here. We are at our destination. The beginning of an adventure. Where do we begin? Damn well anywhere we want.

Because me, I'd rather fly low. Have my feet on the ground. I like knowing that I have not far to fall. So that I can walk when I need to. Crawl if I have to. Run when I feel like it. And jump when in joy. For I am no pilot. I have yet to earn these wings. Still learning the ropes. Still practicing the controls. I wanna soar; but let's take it slow, and make it a flight to remember.

Love,
No Pilot.

In the Star today, my horoscope reads:

"Capricorn:

Your mind is on intimate
relations. There are aspects for turning these fantasies into reality but not
yet."

I burst into a laugh when I read this. Fantasies huh? We'll see how this plays out.

In a Firefly 'verse, I would have gone a la Captain Mal Reynolds; "Huh".

Love,
Linzy

• Once the kitchen at my place is in order, please experiment with at least one dish per week to hone them cooking skills.
• Please start saving more money. Now that I have to pay for my car on top of rent, bills, car park and other miscellaneous things, I am starting to feel the pinch. Food in Cyberjaya is expensive, so stop splurging. And you have to pay for petrol to get around and tolls, too.
• Eat better food at a set time. My eating habits are erratic and have caused my body to go haywire.
• Talk to your housemates about locking the door and grill at all times.
• Buy some furnishings for the room to organize it better.
• Hunt down the dude, Aizad, and shoot him dead.

Love,

Linzy

I just suddenly felt compelled to say this:

I am Muslim.

I may not look the part. And I may give in to one too many of my weaknesses. But that doesn't make me any less a person who whole-heartedly believes in Islam.

I may have my ideas, my opinions and my arguments. And just because I am young, a female, dress the way I do, think the way I do and am seemingly a non-conforming Muslim, doesn't in any way make my opinions invalid. I study my religion both academically and independently, and have consulted respected learned lecturers/profs etc, and it is in that way that I have come to the understanding that I hold. I do not blindly follow, nor do I blindly draw conclusions without knowledge. I know what is right and I know what is wrong. I understand why some things are right and why some things are wrong. I know that Islam is about "This is best for you because...", not "You cannot do this because We say you can't". And I know the flaw in the system that is eating its way into many believers here in this country that makes being a Muslim so difficult. And I know the flaw that makes Islam so difficult to believers and non-believers in this country. And I know the flaw that makes me such a heretic in the eyes of many whenever I open my mouth about religion.

I believe Islam is common sense and what is natural. And I follow my common sense and my natural tendencies for goodness and avoid whatever that will bring bad. Or perhaps I try the best I can to. I believe in my belief. Do not judge me. Only God has the right to that. There are many elements in Islam, after all, that is up to interpretation, other than what is clearly laid out in the Qur'an and Sunnah. I know what I know, and I know that I don't know everything. So I'll rectify what I lack and strengthen what I already have.

I carry Islam with me all the time, even if you don't see it. I am Muslim because I am a person who wants what is right. I am Muslim for I uphold common sense. I am Muslim because I acknowledge that I am a cog in a wheel, and it takes me and the whole world to make this wheel turn. I am Muslim because I am me, and no one else is.

Love,
Hazlin

My dad's company celebrated their annual family day last Sunday. We all went there early that morning, since my dad after all is in the committee. My ibu and bapak, my brother and sister, and my cousin, Kanna, and I had fun fooling about that day. Here are some photos to share:

Love, Linzy~