Sup3rnality

6.45pm, 25th July 2004, (offline) in my room ZC 209B

Sunday; I’m back here again. Back here in this Hellhole I am supposed to call home for as long as I am here. It disgusts me being here. Being subjected to their ridiculous rules, their bias judgment, their disapproving stares… I get sick and tired just by looking at this place. No, it’s more than just feeling tired or disgusted; it’s way beyond that. It’s pure loathing. It makes me feel hatred like I’ve never felt before. God, you have no idea just how tempted I am to just torch this place. But that’s another part of me talking; the part of me that just doesn’t care about being rational; and I for one would love to ignore that that part of me exists.

The reason why I applied for this place; well, apart from the fact that there are no other Universities offering English Literature, was because a part of me wanted to be more Islamic. Well, I guess that sounds pretty weird coming from a person like me with “hole-y clothes” and all but yeah, I wanted to instill something more in myself. Even if I wasn’t ready to fully surrender myself, I wanted to know more. So maybe at least when a time does come, I would know what the right thing to do is and not be misguided.

But imagine my disappointment when I came here and saw what the word Islamic means to them. To them, women whose tudungs or hijabs are not right down to their waist can pretty much go to Hell for all they care. They may not say it to your face, but they have disparagement evidently etched on their faces when they glance critically at me or any other person for that matter. And it makes it worse being an English Lit student.

You see, most people here detest we English Lit (BEN) students for reasons unknown. Apparently because most social problems are committed by us BENs. But whose to say that all of us are like that? Of course the answer is no one but what the Hell do they care? As long as they have someone to put the blame on, they’re pretty much happy. Never mind the fact that a lot of other students from other courses are screwing around (damn it, forgive my language).

The funny thing is, in Akhlaq class, we are taught the apparent Islamic way of life. It IS the Islamic way of life, I’m not questioning it or anything but it is a total irony that our ustazah could actually teach us that Islam does not judge people by their appearance and dressing and status but not practice it herself. You see, what happened was that during a discussion, we happened to object to this group of guys blaming women totally for the rise of social problems. I mean, I understand that some women are just asking for it but not ALL. Most of the current rape cases involve religious men for God’s sake. Raping their daughters and what not. So the question is, if they really are religious, why can’t they control their libido then? And besides, how can you blame the daughters, when most of them are just kids? So that’s what we were arguing about and because of that we were condemned by the Ustazah. Damn it, it was a discussion. We were not satisfied with those guys’ opinion so we argued. Simple as that. But why the heck must we be looked down on? Sarah aka Ms. Fingerprints actually got pulled aside by her asking us to leave her class. Aaina aka The Silent One was asked by her; “Surely your friends are involved in many social problems…?” It’s not right to judge people she says? F*** off.

Coming here to this place I call the Hellish Grounds, did not strengthen whatever faith I had. I think I was stronger before I came here. Not to say I am losing faith totally but to be more precise, I am have found my respect for the so-called perfect muslims waning. These people, the supposed people of God not only judge us but think they are so perfect that no one but them will actually set foot in paradise… Hmmmph, that’s where they are all wrong. They think they would, after all their condemning every people they do not see worthy? Well, we’ll see.

I guess I am just so tired of this masquerade; having to be false just to please them. Having to listen to their criticism, stomach their stares… I try my best to keep my temper in check. I try to keep quiet, hold my opinions in to avoid argument. I’m tired of being yelled at, being treated like inmates or for us girls, like sluts, I just Goddamn hate it. Just because I don’t look like their ideal student doesn’t mean that I am an unworthy student. Heck, I go to class, I do my assignments, I participate in class when I have to or when I have something to say. But then again when I do say something, they slam me down like I am an insignificant little fly.

The problem is, all these people think they are guaranteed a place in Heaven or something like that. And all the other people are going to Hell. And instead of being the good muslim they supposedly are and “show” us the right path, they just glare at you and don’t really give a damn, just as long as they are safe; or so they think. Islamic University… Wow, they are far from that. So very far.

And here I am thinking that college life would be a blast after a so not happy time in high school. Nope, no blast at all. More like an a nuclear meltdown to me. My life here is laden with lies, rebellion, rule breaking, rudeness, hatred and all the other things that never were in me before. I am disappointed in myself beyond words, but most of all, I am disappointed with this place.
I guess all I want right now is to be free of this place. I know I can’t be totally free, so what I want is to be able to take break from it. That’s all I can ask for I guess…

I’ve got another 3 more months till I’m outta here. So, for now all I have to do is be patient… Yeah right… It’s either this place will be burnt down to the ground by yours truly first, or this place will finally take its toll on me and get me into a psychiatric ward. Until either happens, which I hope it will not, I’ll just have to stay here… And go insane.