Sup3rnality

Someday we'll know.

Other than the cash, the want to save it for that fast-looming future...
Other than the guilt of using up savings that should be more substantial...
Other than these trappings of life that are but distractions...
Other than these meaningless doubts...
This reluctance to go to China....

Yang sebenarnya, hatiku terasa sangat berat hendak meninggalkan dia.

I worry a lot. Many know this. I worry about things beyond my control, worry about things I cannot fathom, about things that have yet to come.

My body is often tense with anxiety, muscles at the ready, bones set to fight or take flight.

And among these path of thorns filled with worry, there lies the ghost called Doubt.

I admit, sometimes I unknowingly let myself wade knee-deep in Doubt. And it creeps up to my heart like venom.

My heart's been hurt too many times, been made to question the truth in truthfulness. Sometimes I feel like I cannot believe. Like faith is a fool's dream. Like dream is only possible in sleep.

These....things happening around me feel like a knife to the chest. Buried in my back only to exit through my bleeding heart. I feel my soul draining from my severed thread of life. And yet I cannot reach behind me to ease this pain. In the mirror I see the faces I trust holding the handle to the dagger.

I admit, sometimes I ask myself questions like, is he the one? Or, will he hurt me like everyone else? I hate myself for asking that, it's like a slap to my own face asking, letting doubt breed free. I know he loves me, and yet, this ghost haunts me with words of doubt that turns into fear.

Despite all that, I love him. I do love him. And I believe in him. His strength gives me strength. And I believe he will be the one to prove me wrong.

Hazlin

P/s: I cannot continue writing any further, this is upsetting.

Some days are better than others.

Some days are not.

While we all live different lives, see things in different perspectives, live lives with problems distinctly different from one another, the point is, we all have problems. The difference between yours and mine, mine and his, hers and yours does not make any of it less difficult for the person surviving it.

What matters is how you deal with it.

My life is difficult. But if I were to tell you why, some people (maybe you?) are likely to say: That's nothing, you haven't heard what happened to me, or, I've been through that before and I'm fine. Buck up. Someone is bound to counter it with their own problems in a game of one-upmanship. I've already got troubles, do I really need to be burdened by yours?

The secret is how to survive.

I work with the media. Some days are good. Some days are crappy. You smile and you cry. Life goes on. Just as you're about to recover from one shock, another one rolls in. News come and go. Some old, some new. Some old but in new wrappings. Some new, masquerading as old.

You don't agree with me? I never asked you to.

I'm just trying to survive, and if I make it through alive, maybe I'll spend the time to thank you for putting that hurdle in my way and thus making me the stronger person today.

There is an art in looking for that silver lining.

For me, it's the constant smile he puts on my lips when I'm with him. The loving hand he offers for mine that lends me strength when I'm at my weakest. Asdil has saved me in more ways than he will ever understand. He is the fire in my heart that stokes the flames, urging me to go on. We have our bad days, too, but love always finds a way out of darkness and into a new dawn.

A family that has more faith in me than I ever deserve. A strong mother whose heart is gentle but is as solid as rock. A kind-hearted sister whose unfailing trust, witty banter and disarming frankness never cease to amaze me. A brother whose big heart is a warmth even though it is often lost on many in his stumbled words. A father who despite it all, an amazing figure.

And friends, near and far, whose words of assurance, no matter how little, lifts me from the lowest of lows.

God challenges you so you can ascend to a higher plane of thought. If He made everything easy, we'd never put in the effort to be better versions of ourselves.

The trick is to walk in other shoes to see new perspectives.

And remember why it's worth everything to keep on going.

I keep on writing this again and again so I never forget.

Life is hard. Some days are good, some days are bad. But I keep on fighting because I know it'll all be worth it in the end.