Sup3rnality

It's okay, Heart. Only we know what's in our heart of hearts. It's hard to put into words the hurt and pain. Everybody wants to win, the black knights and the white steeds, never stopping to see themselves treading on the shades of grey. Nevermind. If our hearts all laid bare, we'd never have to feel the frustration of misunderstanding. Never have to feel the twinge of mistrust. Never have the need for condemnation, when you see the truth of it in the open chest, revealing in all vulnerability this bleeding heart.

It's okay, Heart. No one said this would be easy. But I'm still gonna do it my way.

I was reading THIS a while ago.

But first, I'm angry, so excuse my French and expect some uncharacteristic swearing.

And second, a disclaimer:

I have no political leanings as I think it's all gone to shit. Right here, right now, I have no respect for either side; I might change my mind someday, but now I am neutral. I have no patience for elections, and cannot care less to register to vote. Anyone who would like to criticise me for this, fuck off. This is not the first time I said it, and this won't be my last for sure. And as much as I hate to discuss politics, especially on my personal blog, I have to get this out. Just like you think *your opinion* is the definition of righteousness, I think mine is equally valid. And my opinion and thought is that I don't want to vote. You want to get on my case? Fine, but do it silently. Because while you waste your time telling me how (quoted off some righteous bastard telling me to vote) I am "one of the ignorant young people who is messing up the votes", what I really think of you is: "Wow, for somebody who is advocating freedom of speech, you sure aren't allowing my freedom of speech." So fuck off. I will vote if I want to. That's my right and freedom to choose. And if I don't want to, you're a bloody hypocrite if you criticise me for not doing so.  

• First of all, again: Fuck you people who criticise my job and/or the company I work for. I'm working an honest job for an honest pay to pay my bills and put a roof on top of my head. This is the best job I've had and I am appreciated and treated with respect. How many jobs do that to you?  
• While I am not bashing the article above per se, I am pissed off with the generalisation that we media are free to say what we want to say. It's easy to say Setar says is propaganda, but did you even stop to think that we can write what we actually feel or think? Do you think any of us would have jobs if we reported everything as it is? You blame the journalists and the editors, easy la for you to say while typing behind your keyboards, but come on la, this is Malaysia, we obviously cannot breathe too loud or sigh to heavily. Did you ever think of that? Or are you so bent to prove a point that you put aside "intelligence" to say we are all mindless drones of a hive? Seriously, don't be so stupid and ignorant. As if you don't know the real landscape behind this all. If it were that easy to say things in the paper, don't you think we would have had such opinions in the news by now?
• I am a frikkin' sub-editor. I edit the news. I write the headlines as per the story given. You want to get on my case for being involved in the story? Dude, I didn't even write it. I just edited it. Please don't be so self-absorbed okay? You think we all are lapdogs hungry for a pat on the head? Hello, we have rent to make. Bills to pay. Parents to finance. Siblings who need pocket money. Tummies to feed. Everything is expensive, and good jobs are hard to come by. Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me to get out of such a company? Do you yourself know the inner-workings of your company? Is it all clean? Are you sure at some level money is exchanging hands under the table? Don't just talk la. Your over-generalisation just makes you shallow. 
• If you wanna criticise the paper, fine. But boleh tak don't pandai-pandai put the blame on the writers and editors. How long have you been living in Malaysis to say all that? Tak tau-tau lagi ke how it all works here? Saying that we are not reporting the truth. Whatever you construe as being the truth might not be the same for others. And whatever the truth is, obviously we cannot report it blow by blow or else the entire editorial will be blown out the window as we are all fired and spontaneously combust. 
• So all in all, please fuck off all "friends" and other people who have continuously pissed me off when they criticise me about my working for the Setar. I'm tired of this childish shit. 

Points to ponder:

Did you never talk to us because your mind had always been far away? Or had you been far away because we never talked to you?

But then again,

Why is it that every wrong word that comes out of our mouths are met with swift backlashing, even if it was accidental, or not meant to hurt? It only forced us back into silence.

So,

Were we never enough to begin with that you found fault in everything we did, and forced us to tread on eggshells in your presence? Or was it that you never realised that you pushed us into silence, which caused you to get bored of us?

Dear You,

I wish I could say all the things that needs to be said, say the things that you need to hear. Say to you the things I feel and feel is right. I wish you would have left the light on instead of choosing the suffocating dark. I wish, I wish, I wish... I wish for so many things. For you. I wish that this was never a choice you were given to make.

Forgive me for treading on dangerous grounds. Forgive me for risking the sting of your heart should you come across these words. Forgive me for thinking thus so, but you are made for so much more than this.

I wish, I wish, I wish...that things never had to go this way. I wish that your paths were many, and this path of thorns was not a temptuous beckoning, the dark stranger so intriguing in its mystery. Though I'd walk these thorns for you, pull you back onto these long, but sure roads, these hooked thorns that snagged the edges of your heart will never truly bear the same shape.

Dear You, I wish these were thoughts that we never pondered, words we never uttered. I wish these were shadows never had to cast a worrying doubt in my subconcious fears. I wish I never had to lose what was left of my naivete so damningly.

You, you're so much more than this. You deserve so much more than this. I hope you forgive me for thinking the way I do, but it's true. And Friend, I love you. Be strong and hold on.

Sincerely,
Me.