Sup3rnality

It’s Thursday again, and the knowledge itself gives me an immense sense of relief. I get to go home today and get away from this God-forsaken place. But best of all, I get to watch Buffy tonight (Yaaay, I get to watch Spike!)!!! Tonight’s episode is “First Date” where Buffy goes out on a date with Principal Wood and Xander goes out with a dudette he met at a hardware store or something. Later they find out that Principal Wood’s mom was actually a slayer (the one Spike killed in the train) and that (as usual) the dudette Xander went out with (which is played by Ashanti, by the way) is actually a demon. Hehehe…I so can’t wait.

Ok, so enough with the Buffy speak…*Sigh* I’ve been a bit tired lately. Not the physically, I-want-to-sleep-now type of tired. It’s more of the mental kind; the kind that drives you crazy cos there’s all these thoughts in your head that you can’t get out and it makes you toss and turn in your sleep… That’s the kind I mean. The thing I’ve been getting tired of are the people who think they know me but actually don’t. I’ve come to realize that there are quite a number of these people.

I’ve never realized their existence, or maybe I have; it’s just that I’d rather pretend I don’t hear them and overlook the entire matter. But I guess I’ve let them off too easy. Now they think it’s ok to talk however they want to me, whether rudely or sarcastically, thinking I would find them funny when it’s at my expense; just cos they think I’m so easy, such a pushover, so laid-back cos I hardly ever get mad; just cos they think I’m their “friend”, they can treat me however they want and I’ll always be ok with it cos they are my “friend”. I have feelings too people. Just cos I’m very lenient and don’t hold any grudges or hard feelings against anyone doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt by words or remarks or don’t get angry altogether. It’s just that I choose to think that people don’t really mean it and that it is a slip of the tongue. But then again when you say it over and over again like a broken record, trying to bring me down, how can I say that it is a slip up?

I’ve always had this problem… Where people say, “Oh, Hazlin’s a very nice person. She NEVER gets angry.” I get that a whole lot. And it tires me. Back in school people will ask me for help with work, usually it would be about their English homework and I’ll help out the best I can. Yes, I always help, no matter if I’m busy or not at that time. And it’s not cos I’m being insincere about the help I gave that I am saying this, it’s just that when *I* ask for help, especially in Accounts, they would say they’re busy or they don’t know and ask me to ask someone else when in truth they have finished that particular exercise and just can’t be bothered to share. Well, I dropped Accounts later; but not without shedding light on something: now I know who my real friends are.

And back to what I said about bringing me down with words; yeah, I’ve been getting tired of getting that from people. They make me feel worthless. I may be hard to anger or hard to displease, but if there’s one thing that gets me down instantly is being put down, looked down upon, and made insignificant. Whether some of you people meant it as a joke, all I’m saying is that think before you actually say them. How would you feel if I actually said to you? Repeatedly at that. Wouldn’t you be offended yourself if I were to say the same thing about your family? Don’t you ever think that before you say anything? Or are you the kind of person who only thinks of him or herself and couldn’t give a damn about other people’s feelings?

I don’t want to be angry. I don’t like being angry. But sometimes some people just ask for it. I am not a subject for ridicule so you’ll feel better about yourself. And even if you have to do it, keep my family out of it. It’s enough that you make me feel like some uneducated bitch from the other side of the universe; do you have to insult my family as well? And to make it worse, these people who say this are my friends. Heck, if that’s the case, I have more respect for the Bitch(es) on Patrol™ then.

I understand that some people say these things to feel good about themselves. And I also know that some people say it without realizing that it is an insult; and even if they do know, they think it’s ok to say it thinking that I’m so nice, I wouldn’t get offended or that I’ll laugh along just cos they’re my friend and that I’ll never be cross with the. Bull.

That’s why I can’t wait to go back for the weekend. Although it’s only for 3 days, it’s enough time to make me feel ok again and ready to face another mentally-trying week on the Holy Grounds of the Hellish Grounds.

So to all you people, friends, supposed friends, people who don’t like me (cos well, I don’t have any enemies. and even if I do, it's cos they don't like me. So that's their problem) and strangers alike; have a safe (Fizzy, when I say safe, for you, I know it can mean a thousand other things) weekend. Love you all.

Love, LinZy.