Sup3rnality

"Here lies everything, the world I wanted at my feet. My victory's complete. So hail to the king"
- Dr. Horrible aka Billy

In a review of Joss' 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog', it mentions how despite the song (above) was meant to be a celebratory song, it sounds more like a dirge. I feel the same.

So ends my final paper; American Literature by Kak Mei. And while before the paper I felt like I was a balloon stretched to its limits and about to burst, upon finishing came no sense of elation I anticipated. No relief that rushed to let a pregnant sigh escape. Big noise, little show. There was only a false sense of victory.

I approached Kak Mei, holding a hand out to thank her for everything, telling her that this is my last sem, and I'll see her when I see her (or on Facebook). But in those words, and behind the smile I smiled which was wide with forced excitement, was a hollowness. I couldn't feel a thing. I talked a bit to some of my classmates as we walked out of the exam venue, classmates I'll probably not see for a long time coming; but no emotion shined through in my voice to convey my sincerest wish to keep in touch with them.

As I walked Fidzy to where Shu was waiting to pick her up, I stopped several times in midsentence to utter 'Oh my God, I'm finished. I've graduated'. And yet they were flat; fell to the ground from my lips without so much of a whisper.

Ash called me when I reached the room to see how I was and how the paper went (he finished his last paper at 2pm), and I couldn't really put into words how I felt. I just told him, 'I'm done, but tak taula...' I dunno what I felt.

I spent the rest of the day pondering upon that.

I made that last walk to the office to check out of the room. It was rather rushed since I decided to ask Fidzy for a lift to the LRT station and she was already on the way. Before that I thought I wanted to roam about IIUM one last time and take pictures...but since I was going with Fidzy, that didn't happen.

When I handed in my check-in slip to the receptionist at the office and when she handed me the check-out slip, I still was the emotionless wreck that I was just the day before yesterday. It only felt like another semester done, and I'm checking out, only to check in the next semester. I couldn't feel.

When I walked out of the room with Aaina one last time, there wasn't even a moment of hesitation. No sudden bout of nostalgia. We got to Fidzy's car and we hugged. We were done with IIUM. And yet....what is there to feel?

We picked up Ash from his college, and we started the drive out of IIUM. I managed to comment, a commemoration of this being the last day I'm here as a student. The next time I come round, even this Saturday when I pick up my stuff, it won't be as a IIUM student anymore. But still nothing. I am left to feel hollow. Empty.

I'm in shock, I know. It hasn't sunk it. The weight of it hasn't found the bottom just yet. Gravity hasn't claimed this apple. And I will feel it soon. Perhaps when the next semester begins and I'll be here not packing like the rest. Perhaps when I get a job. Perhaps when I get my results...

Well, and a million other perhaps. I am yet to feel anything. But I suppose when I do, there'll be a whole lot of tears.

"And I won't feel a thing"
- Dr. Horrible

Love, Linzy~