Sup3rnality

I haven't been in the right frame of mind to talk about the things that have been happening for the past few weeks. Everytime I begin to attempt typing out my thoughts, I am stunted by my inability to write and/or put them into words. So here's what I've been doing these past few weeks

• I left WKESP officially on the 29th of April 2010. More specifically, I left Aust-B. I had a very very long cry, not being able to believe I won't be walking into that office again and see them each day. They gave me hugs, which made me cry harder and they all had a procession for me, walking me to the door, for one last time. Leaving them feels like letting go of family. But the best thing about family is that, they're always there for you. I'm halting any entries about leabving WK at the moment until I can sort out my thoughts and feelings.
• I moved out of Cyberjaya on the 30th of April. Ash did most of the job. I packed everything up and he loaded it into the van we borrowed from my uncle. Then we drove to PJ and he unloaded the van for me. I couldn't have done it without him (thanks Sayang). And of course, thanks to my family, too. Who helped me carry the second round of stuff. Yes, I have that much stuff...mostly books and clothes.  
• Starting on May 3rd, I am now an employee of the Star. To be specific, a sub-editor for the Star. The Star newspaper that I've been reading daily. Feels almost like a dream. It's different here, but I like it. Work-wise, I do feel very much more accomplished than how I felt in WK.
• I'm now living in PJ. Around the Tropicana area to be more precise. No, not next to Tropicana City Mall like people keep asking. It's near the Tropicana Golf Resort. The condo is called Bayu Puteri Tropicana. It's quite a nice place. House is a bit of a fixer-upper due to an irresponsible landlord, but I'll manage.
• Did I mention my working hours are from 4pm to 12am daily? Uhh, yeah, I start work at 4pm and leave for home around 12am. Wonderful hours for me, cos that's when I work best. And it's not like I have a nightlife anyway, so it's no problem for me. I get to see Ash in the daytime and spend more waking hours with him especially since now I live about 15 minutes away from him and not 50 minutes like when I was in Cyberjaya.
• I'm still getting used to my new area, new job, new schedule, new house...alot of things are still on my mind. But all in all, I'm feeling content right now; like things are falling into place, just need a few things sorted before they can fit even better.

If you break me down, strip all the layers that build me up and buffer harm from touching vulnerable skin, there will be nothing left but bone. Just the make-up of my being, but none of the substance.

I am the parts of my life that brought me to this bend in the road. Every single fiber that knits itself together with this bigger picture is the essence of what I really am. There is no use trying to digest me whole if you could not appreciate the details. The patch of red on my cheeks, the brown shade of my hair, the scars on my face, the burn on my right arm, the lines on my palms, the spots on my shoulders... These are what I am made of, and if you plan to perfect it, you'll find that I won't be standing there as the mist clears.

My ego is what makes me me. I am built on it. Layered and coated by the hurt that pained me as I passed along in this existence. It is the scar tissue that healed itself time and time again to create an armor of webbed defenses. Take that away, and I stand as only a shadow of who I am.

Me. My confidence. My knowledge. My wit. My humour. My sympathy. My empathy. My love. My friendship. My intelligence. My thoughts. My everything... is built on the basis of my ego. I grew up being constantly criticized by my peers and by people whom I thought would know me better than that. Hurt as I was, I always knew I was better than that. And as much as I bled inside, I let it slide and heal over. I did not, no, could not let them beat me down and leave me in the dirt.

So I took the hurt and molded it into sympathy for the lessers. I took the pain and made it into insight and knowledge for things people would never understand. I took the accusations and turned them into love and trust. I took the jeers and developed my internal beauty. I took all the bad, and made it to good. It fed my ego. For without my belief in my superiority, I would have never have gotten far.

As years pass me by, I learned not to take crap from people. I developed an intense hatred and apprehension towards anyone who wanted to break me down, who wanted to humiliate me into submission, who wanted to shame me into compliance. No one could tell me I'm not good enough. No one. Cos I am not, and you cannot tell me otherwise. You can try, but I would not listen.

I am Superego. And you are?

Do not ask me if breaking my ego is what it takes to make me see reason, what it would take to see my errors, feel ashamed and worthless and drive me to do better to impress. This is not boot camp. This is no Full Metal Jacket. Breaking down and humiliating one's pride does not make for reverse psychology that will put me back on track. That is not how it works. Not with me anyhow.

You take down my ego, and you'll see every talent you ever thought I had stripped away. I'll be left with nothing. Whatever you thought I had would be gone. Whatever you thought I could do would have been raped away together with my armour. I would be nothing. Pointless. Meaningless. You would be throwing away all that I work for by taking my ego away from me.

So let me be. If this wasn't meant to be, let it be on my terms. Let me triumph in failure. Let me be. Let me see how this goes. Let me see how far I go. And if I'm lucky, I might join you all on the other side. If not, then I'll leave before the tide comes in.

Love,
Hazlin

Last night was a blast. Last night, which was Wolters Kluwer's 2009 Annual Dinner, held at Cyberview Lodge, Cyberjaya. After much anxiety and energy poured into the making of this night, it went by smoothly and much fun was had. I was tired by the end of the day, but it felt worth it.

As a Fun Inc representative, I was on the committee who organized the entire event. So I have been on my feet these past few weeks, and had months of meetings and brainstorming for this event to come to be. So I went through all the tears, the thrown-out ideas, and paperwork. But after much much discussions, we came up with this year's annual dinner with the theme, Madhatters! (we chose this theme due to budget constraints -- hats decor).

So last night was almost perfect. I didn't win any lucky draw prizes, but  it was good. I went as Cleopatra. I was in a red grecian-like dress, with two golden snakes wrapped around my neck, poised to attack, and my headgear? Beaded strands of hair, the classic Cleopatra headwear. Thankfully it acquired many compliments, but I was overthrown by another girl who came as Nefertiti :p But then again, as a committee member, I could not be in the running for best-dressed.

But...despite all that, the food was terrific (the herb mashed potato was awesome!), the company was good, I had fun dressing up, had a few laughs watching them play games, boogied down on the dancefloor with the rest of them when after the dinner, and reclined in a fantastic complimentary room (alone mind you, someone was not around to keep me company) where I am typing out this entry.

It was swell. I regret not bringing a camera (I was afraid my running around throughout the event would end up in it being lost) to take all the many highlights of the night, but it's ok. Hopefully there will be a lot of pics put up in the common drive. And it was fun seeing my colleagues let loose, watching them dance and all. The general manager, the bosses of bosses, Sunita, managed to pull me on the dancefloor and had me dance with her :p (I've never danced, like never, so it felt awkward and I so don't have rhythm).

It was a night to remember. And I hope next year would be just as great :)

*I'm loving the room... The bed and pillows are super-squishy and oh-so comfy. I have a huge tv to watch with many channels and I have a pc to use. I've stayed in the executive suite here long time ago, but this feels different, when you have the entire room to yourself. Although, I do pretty much wish I had some company.

Anyway, I'll try scavenging for photos tomorrow and will post them up when I can.

Love,
Linzy~

Moi?

I was, still am, but this is a bit much. I've been leaving the office between 11pm-1am nightly, and it's making me feel lonely. Wandering around between empty cubicles, looking out a dark window and jumping at every sound and every movement at the corner of my eye does not only creeps out the usually infallible me, but is a disease that eats into me. And that disease is called "loneliness".

In the silence of the office, so much so that all you can hear is your breathing and your fingers dancing along the keyboard, the echoing of your being alone reverberates all the more. And I am left wanting.

I miss my Asdil too much. Haven't seen him in over a week. We've been apart longer, but so much work and no reprieve nor comfort, I ache to be with him even more. And I'll be glad when this is over with; this product of mine that is causing me so much distress.

Well, it says 12.08am on the clock. I should be going home now...I have a feeling that there is so much more to do, and that tomorrow morning (which is the deadline), I'll be fighting for sanity. But, I'm tired, aching, and just plain exhausted of all effort and life for the day. Best I be on my way.

Goodnight, all. Goodnight Sayang.


Love,
Hazlin

Tomorrow is moving day.

Or rather, later today, seeing how it's already 1am as I type this.

I'm glad and I'm thankful to be out of that hellhole of a house with those two rude, money-faced, irresponsible and immature Indomees. However, I feel very bad about the girls who took over my place, the girls that ensured my being able to move out. They have now become unwilling scapegoats for my escape. My gain became their loss; and now the Indomees are harassing them, forcing them to pay for things they didn't use; after all, they've only lived there a week.

I feel bad and glad; and those two are not sure-fire recipes for the jollies. Conscience is getting in the way of relief, but as far as I am concerned, my work here is done. It's their turn to face the evil Indomees. But knowing me and my constant worrying, I cannot sit still knowing these girls are in turmoil. They're being harassed because of me, because of my not wanting to give in to the demands of that horrid and rude and insensitive Indomee, Anna. And it's totally not their fault. I stuck them with the problems I previously faced, which was in a way my intention, because I know that Indomee will never see reason. But after getting to know those girls and after how nice they've been, the heart gets in the way.

*sigh*

We'll see how this works out in time. It's tiring and it's unnecessary stress. But this is a cross that I have unknowingly let drop onto my shoulders, so I shall carry it as far as I can.

Love,
Linzy

The week has been exhausting.

I'm homeless.

I'm overworked.

I'm hungry.

I'm lonely.

I would love a break.

But I am glad for one thing, and that is being out of the house with those two Indomee (term coined by Sarah) girls. I no longer live there. I can say sayonara b*tches and never see them ever again. I couldn't take their crap and their astoundingly overpriced bills any longer. I just got meself replacements, and found myself a new place away from them. Too bad I had to con three girls into taking up rent with those Indomees, but for sanity's sake, I'd have to turn the other cheek.

But then, the head b*tch of the duo have been annoyingly rude to me which ruined my mood a few days back; but my solace is that they can't really track me down. Not really anyway. So I hope they would get the hell outta my life and leave me alone. After their extortion, their causing my laptop to get stolen, their using up my things, their rudeness, their ruining my car seat and other offences, I will not be taking any more.

So that's one relief. The only catch is that, I had to move out on the 23rd and I could only move in to my new place on the 1st of November. That means that, for one week, I will be homeless. And I will have to live in Seremban. And I would have to travel back and forth every morning and evening; which burns a hole in my wallet cos of petrol and toll, not to mention it wears me out like crazy and I'm out like a light by 10.30pm. Then up I get at 5.30am and am out the door at 6.30am and I get to work around 7.30am. I leave at about 7.30pm and reach home around 8-9pm. I eat and then I sleep and the cycle begins again. It's only been 4 days and I'm already worn out.

On top of that, it's been a busy week. Fun Inc organized a 3-day Diwali celebration which involves dressing up, henna tattoos, palm reading, Bhangra dancing and eating. I've barely had time to do my work and my work is piling up like crazy. I haven't been going out for lunch and I've been very hungry. I haven't had enough sleep. And most of all, I miss my Asdil like crazy.

If there is one person who could make everything else feel weightless, it's him. And I miss him so terribly much. I can't wait to see him when everything resumes as the usual.

So for now, I'm trying to be patient. And I'm looking forward to another new beginning in a new place. So I'll endure this exhaustion and wait til I could breathe again.

Love,
Linzy

Alrighty, then. Here's another thing that I've been wanting to type out for some time.

My laptop was stolen. Well, not exactly mine. It's my brother's; which doesn't make the situation any better since now I have to buy two: one for myself and one for my brother to replace the one that got stolen.

Well, anyway. After having dinner with Ash at our favourite Arabic restaurant, I returned home to watch some dvds that I borrowed from Carol. It was then I realized that my laptop was not at it's place. My heart hammered like crazy against the wall of my chest. And as realization hit, my heart sank. It was not misplaced, nor could it be outside. My laptop is always in that one place, and I've never taken it into the living room ever. If it's not there then...

Yes, no doubt about it. From the moment that I found my laptop not where I left it, and it was not in the surrounding area, I knew for sure that it was gone. And sure enough, upon investigating, someone crept in through the ventilation window of my bathroom. See, I have the master bedroom which has its own bathroom. The bathroom has this huge ventilation window which opens to the laundry room. So anyone in the house can pretty much get into my room provided that they can open up the ventilation window. So when I had a look, there was a chair propped against the wall to climb up into the window, into my bathroom and into my room. And voila, no more laptop.

I was down. I felt like I was grabbed and thrown into the deep end, leaving me cold and drowning. I could not explain how horrible I felt, and how stupid and just angry at myself. Ash holding me provided me comfort, but the voices in my head kept blaming myself over and over. I know I can't possibly blame myself, but I couldn't help asking what-ifs over and over.

My parents came and we reported to the police. The biggest suspects were of course my housemates; especially seeing how there was no sign of a break-in, and that it was most likely an inside job. I dunno though. I wanna say it's them, especially since I had been arguing with one of them about the extremely expensive monthly bills (what should usually be just slightly less than RM50 in other places became RM158) just the day before. So if there was a motif, that could be it; their dissatisfaction with my not wanting to pay and then stealing my laptop as compensation. Also, one of them always have a bunch of guys over, and the police were saying that a couple of guys could have easily climbed in and swiped it. It wouldn't be a surprise... But was it my housemates and their cronies? Or was it someone who sneaked in somehow? Especially since my housemates are so careless as to always forgetting to lock door or stuff like that. I dunno... Personally, I wanna say that it was my housemates, my housemates and their friends, or just their friends...but that would be bad of me. But I dunno. When I called them to tell them of what happened, they didn't bother to come back, nor did any of them ask if their rooms were affected... It was as though they knew that it would only be me who would be in that crap.

The police weren't of much help as expected. They aren't gonna bother to take samples of the many fingerprints on the dusty window or at least take the initiative to question my housemates. They just questioned one of them and went through her things... but they didn't ask the other girl in whom my biggest suspicion lay. All they said in the end was that I should move out. And that was it.

*sigh*

There's nothing I can do now, of course. It's gone. And I am in a bloody huge debt. Not to mention that I am petrified of what can happen with the photos in there. I mean, I love taking photos, and pictures can easily be doctored or what not... It's been almost a month since, but I still am scared of all that.

Anyway, I don't feel like talking about this any more. It's starting to make me feel upset. I'll think of happier things to write soon. Bye.

Love,
Linzy

Alright, rant time. I haven't done this in a while, so allow me my luxury.

I effing hate my housemates. No doubt about it. I hate hating people. And I always give people the benefit of a doubt whenever I get angered my something they do. But these housemates of mine keep reaping them benefits and never give anything back. Not that I want any, but I expect to be treated just as fair.

First of all, there was that time when we all first moved in back in June. Having just known one another and all, the three of us (there's me and 2 girls from the country that begins with 'I' and ends with 'ndonesia' who are students in MMU) decided we should go out and buy groceries together for the house so we all get what we want and we all can bond or something. What miffed me the first time was when they all decided on Monday. So Monday at 8pm, I got ready and waited for them to come home so we could go. But no, they didn't turn up, and nobody called right until almost 2 hours later. I let it slide thinking it was a genuine mistake. So we planned to go the next day.

The next day, just before I left, I discovered that something I had placed outside as it did not fit my room was missing. Later they told me they lent it to their friend. Okaaayyyy...wtf? It's not yours and you lend it to a friend whom the owner does not know? That's just plain dumb. I would expect it from a 6 year old, but not from those who are in their 20s. Then my disassembled shoerack which I wanted to put in my room magically assembled itself and was put outside and had shoes piled upon it with only one slot for shoes left. You'd think that knowing the rack belongs to someone else you'd not take the liberty to just assemble it and use it? And not just use it, but take up all the space, which would probably have fitted 15 pairs, and leave just one for me?

It doesn't end there. So we went out to grocery shop. We bought what we needed. On the way back, the girl sitting in the backseat kept asking for tissue. I didn't think anything then. Then we decided to stop and have dinner. When we got to a restaurant and sat down, the two girls started conversing in their dialect and stole glances at me. I didn't think anything of it. That is, until tomorrow afternoon, when I was about to get into the car after leaving the office. I was assaulted by an unpleasant smell and upon investigating, I found that the backseat was covered by some weird-looking substance that had dried up and was sticking to the seat. It was all over. Even on the car door. And there were bits of tissues which were left there where she had wiped. I was fuming. I straightaway went to get my car cleaned and texted her about it. She ignored it. She didn't even apologize or acknowledge it. And after that, whenever I was around, she never left the room. Or as soon as I entered my room, I hear her come out. Stupid *****.

And now this. Alot of the everyday necessities are mine. Cos I buy mine and use mine. I don't like using what belongs to others unless it is expressly mentioned that I can use them. And even then I'd rather buy my own cos I would feel uncomfortable using something that isn't mine. But these girls seem to think that what's mine is theirs and what's theirs is theirs. I love doing laundry, and yesterday I found that my detergent and softener which was substantially full just the other day to be finished. Zero. Zip. Zilch. I mean, what the heck? If you finish it, don't you have the decency to buy a new one? What do I look like, a banker?

And also, I found that my bucket that I wash my precious lingerie in was defiled when one of them decided to use it to put paint in so that she could repaint her room. What the fricking hell man. And today, the other girl is using it to stuff paper mache'-like thingies for her art project. I wouldn't have minded if it was used for a cleaner purpose... but this is for dirty stuff. And why couldn't they even ask permission...? Why is it so hard?

Don't think that I'm being a petty princess who doesn't like to share. I love sharing. I do not like hoarding things knowing that it could help others. But if I were in their shoes, I would use my common sense. I would not use something belonging to others without permission, especially if my purpose for it would involve dirtying it and maybe upsetting the owner. If I dirtied or spoiled something not belonging to me, I would take the initiative to clean or replace it and profusely apologize. And I will definitely not use something until it finishes if that thing belong to someone. So you see what I mean?

This people have a problem with their brain not functioning. This is common sense. This is something we should know by instinct... But I guess these girls just don't have it. It would be too mean to say it is a trait from where they come from, but I've met other people from there and they are not stupid like these two. I tire of this stupidity... I can't wait to find a new apartment and move out.

Linzy~

I would very much like to begin this entry by explaining my long absence... But I think now is not the time; suffice to say my silence was due to weeks of much contentment that any other release I might find (in this case, writing) would prove to be incomparable.

So for now, let's overlook the fact that I have been away for a month now, and pretend that I have been writing here as I always have.

Since Thursday night last til today, I have been suffering from a torturous fever. I know that I was in much pain when it obliterates all other past memory of pain that I might have felt before. It has been unbearable. It left half-delirious for most parts, dazed and confused, and put my temperature on a see-saw. For most of those days, I felt like my brain was being boiled from the inside out. I was so hot on the inside that no bathing or drinking could assuage the fire. And no matter how much I drank, my mouth was dry and my lips were parched. And the headache was a test to my ability to hold on to my sanity.

In one week, I met with 6 doctors, been to 3 clinics and 2 hospitals, and had numerous needles jabbed into me whether for drips, blood-taking, or to administer medicine. And after it all, they still cannot give me an answer on what I have.

I have been whacked back and forth like a rubber ball by doctors who do not know what to do with me. Clinics refer me to other clinics, and then finally one clinic refers me to a private, specialist hospital. Said specialist hospital tested me for dengue and it came back negative, so they got scared and referred me to the GH cos they are not equipped to test for H1N1. The fact that I was in Melaka last weekend made them even all the more eager to get me out of their hospital, since Melaka is the worst-hit state with H1N1 cases. I go to the GH's emergency unit and the doctor doesn't even bother to do a blood test or a throat swab and "magically" comes up with the diagnosis that I have viral fever.

And I am left in the cold wondering, "WTF?"

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that the doctor did not say I have Influenza A/H1N1. But how does he know really? He didn't follow the procedure I hoped he would. So who's to know if his diagnosis was correct? I could be a walking timebomb for all I know.

Believe me, I am scared. I am alone in my room in Cyberjaya, scared to go to work, and feeling damn scared that if I'm another misdiagnosis horror story, I would be just another number in the statistics. I'm scared.

I'm scared because I am not confident of that doctor's abilities and that he might dismissed me too fast. I'm scared because many of my symptoms could pass off for that. And while the symptoms are pretty much the same as a normal fever...I don't wanna be too safe. The death toll is rising, even among healthy young people. I've read about the complications that happen mostly in the younger generation and how their bodies just shut down. And this scares me even more.

So now I sit here and am contemplating driving myself to the hospital in Putrajaya. I'm scared to go, cos I'm afraid I might not be able to drive myself in the best sense of judgment...but, I dunno...

I want Ash to be here so desperately.

Scared,
Linzy

I’ve been… I don’t want to say. Saying the words, or typing them for that matter, gives it life. Makes it real enough to jump out of the screen and consumes me whole. It commits my colourful life to the black and white of these words against the background. But unspoken or not, there’s no muting the echoing vacancies of unspent time.

I’ve been…lonely. There, I’ve said it. I didn’t want to. Words like that bounces off the walls when there’s no one in the room but you. And no pillow over ears could drown out the sound. I didn’t want to say it. Too proud to profess weakness. Too afraid to make it known. Too tired to make it any more the truth. But I have been, and I can’t shake it off.

I’ve found driving around aimlessly to be a companion. With music blasting to retain my focus, and sudden bursts of speed for a little rush, for a little sense of urgency. I stride about in shopping malls and browse shops just to do something than nothing at all. Staying at home and behind close doors only magnifies the emptiness of my room. So I walk out. I do what I can to occupy the long gaps of time ticking by. Otherwise all I hear is the loud crashings of the seconds-hand announcing the passing of moments gone by.

Friends that I could talk to are too far away. And I often wonder whether we’ve gotten out of touch. I know that we haven’t; cos when we meet we all fall into familiarity; but a lingering doubt reigns, having me dwelling on questions and wonderings. And even if I could see them, I’m not about to pull them into my sense of displacement. Nah, I can’t. Meeting with good friends who are far away is to be made a celebration. And the friends that I have close by, the ones I can easily see everyday, well, don’t live in the same book. Let alone be on the same page. They don’t know me, or think they know me to pass words that don’t belong to them for them to say.

Everyday I’ve been tempted to drive to see Ash. So many times. But time doesn’t permit. Traffic jams and the looming nighttime will only frustrate me more. I’d only have an hour or two, and then I’d have to go again. And times like this, that’s something that I can’t take. I need days. Hours will only find me lonelier, knowing that I’d have to let him go, and not being able to. I’m just counting until I could have days and days of quality time with my Sayang, and for the moment, I do not know when that is.

I’m lonely. I feel like I’m standing amongst people but cannot connect. I need to feel. I need to not feel lonely.

~Linzy

Ok, I know I'm not cool. Damn, never tried to be anyway. I've always known I would be somewhat of a social outcast. Well, not outcast per se, but not entirely built to fit into a mould either. I just manage to contort myself into a social circle if I need to, albeit reluctantly sometimes.

But as usual, I digress. I'm not talking about being 'cool' as in walking the walk and talking the talk. No, I'm talking about being cool under pressure. But even that kinda cool, is something I have yet to master; because anyone who knows me knows that I sweat copiously, til I am drenched. And so, despite my placid expression or my non-panicky demeanor, a telltale sign that I am pressed, worried, rushed or desperately scared, is the sweat that drips of me like I just got out of the shower.

Last week on Tuesday night, I was put in a situation that left me sweating like I was in a sauna. I had decided to lepak for a few hours at Oldtown around 8.30 pm so that I could use the wireless net access, since my new place has yet to have an internet connection. And so I drove, and when I got there, I saw that the carwash place was still open; and thought it'd be good to have my car washed and vacuumed since it's just really dirty. So I drove to under the tent, parked, handed my keys over and went to Oldtown.

I got quite carried away surfing and uploading pictures, so it was already around 10.30++ pm when I rememebered to check the time. Deciding that I should probably get home and get ready for work the next day, I packed up and then walked towards the carwash. My heart leapt into my mouth when I saw the carwash closed. But I saw my car parked in the corner, so the immediate thought that my car was stolen was cancelled out. But then I started thinking about where my carkeys could possibly be...and that's when I noticed the note on my car. It said: