Sup3rnality

Bills. Rent. Car. Petrol. Food. Money for my family.

All need paying, but funds are slowly diminishing.

So congratulations, people, you are taking away the livelihood that I enjoy and that actually appreciates me compared to my past experience.

Congratulations, you have achieved your goal while making the lives of others caught in the crossfire difficult.

Yes, thank you, I do love rationing my food supply every month like what I've been doing lately. And I do love turning down meeting old friends because I cannot spare the extra cash. I do love not seeing my family in Seremban because travelling back and forth consumes petrol and petrol means cash.

It's nice how people can live their ideals without reality getting in the way.

On a related note, it's funny how people fight for their freedom of opinion, yet reject and criticise others for having their own.

I admit, my headlines are not as interesting as this one.

Thought: To become a sub-editor, is a formal education on the English language necessary?

That was a topic of discussion, or rather, argument between Ash and me a few minutes ago before he dropped me off at work. Yes, we are both hard-headed and will keep on arguing to prove a point :-P Don't worry, it's my favourite part of being in the car with him, we always have some kinda something to talk or argue about.

Now I'm not trying to prove a point, but just using myself as a case study to explain why I think the education itself is not necessary. Instead, I think it all boils down to talent.

Big headed kan? But hear me out.

I've spoken English all my life. It's my first language, as in the first language I started speaking and the language I prefer and choose to converse in. I only started speaking Malay later around the age of seven or so. Until now, I have not been able to master it.

I read a lot. Not so much now as before I started working, but I definitely read more than the average Malaysian. And yes, I read almost only books written in English. I started reading at a young age, and spent a large amount of my time burying my head in a book while growing up.

On top of that, I love literature and pop culture. References and allusions don't go by me unnoticed.

I grew up being entertained by tv shows and movies. I was the only child and my father did not encourage me to go out, so besides books, tv was a constant companion.

Mix those key ingredients together and you have my brain, a non-stop pot of words boiling and mixing and absorbing each other. Granted, I'm not very creative, but my lifetime love affair with words and how they work has brought me right here at this desk at Setar.

Words have a certain flavour, you can tell when they don't mix or have been placed in the wrong order or combination. Sometimes I make mistakes, yes, no one is free from mistakes, okay? But the point is, I know if I'm wrong and know how to correct it. And in the face of my job, I know when words don't flow right or have a better way to be worded. I can switch them around and put them together again. And to top it off, I'll try to give it an extra punch with a catchy headline. It's not always possible due to space, but when the occasion calls for it, I can provide a noticeable punch.


Now, my argument with my significant other was somewhere along the lines of whether or not education enables a person to have my job or do my job.


For me, the answer is 'no'.

My job: Read. Edit. Layout. Write headline.

Reason? For one, I think I got this on talent. I may not be the best they've seen, but I'm one of the best they've got.

(Yeah yeah, perasannye)

Well, I'm not great at this, maybe not yet, but I can do this. I think this kind of work takes years of experience to get those creative juices on tap.

Two - At the end of the day, my degree is really just a piece of paper. Yes, I have a degree in English Language and Literature. I took it because that is what I have dreamt of studying since I was 12. I wanted to learn more, be among people who appreciated the English language and its literature (well, not quite), I wanted to soak in the ambience and discuss theories and lines out of poetry and research the history from when the words were written. Tough luck, my expectations were not entirely met, but in any case, I enjoyed IIUM. But...

In terms of learning about language and literature that I would later use in my career, that didn't happen -- much.

No, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying IIUM did not play a role in making me the sub-editor I am today. My literature classes and  sociolinguistics etc helped a lot in understanding the role of language in attracting readers. I learned quite a bit from Discourse Analysis about making words sound good but I hardly absorbed much from all that pure linguistics and have never applied anything I learned in my work (applied linguistics, however, I enjoyed).

Truthfully, at the end of the day, I just wanted that piece of paper saying I graduated so that I could get out and get a decent job to earn a living. I learned a lot in IIUM, but not really of the academic variety. More in the experience sense, I would think.

But...in spite of that, I do believe that I am here for what I already was before I started my degree. It was part of my personality, not education.

I mean, if that were the case, all my colleagues would be from an English degree background. Really, it's not just English majors who are in this line of duty. We have lawyers, engineers, scientists....all who, despite what they studied, found their calling in words.

And, if I were to ask any of my fellow undergrads from my course to join me in my sub-editor-ness, I can hardly even provide you a handful of names who would be interested.

So there you have it. That is why I feel I was not chosen for my qualifications, nor did I choose this job because of it. I was all in my innate nature.

My writing poetry by the age of 7, keeping a journal since I was 8, collecting newspaper articles to read over and over at about the same age, and correcting grammar, even my own teachers', as soon as I entered school..It was all part of my tightly-wound nature of wanting things to be in order.

Yes, I admit it, I'm anal like that. But that's just what I am.

My thoughts don't run as wild or as well as they used to. No time? Heck, I think these are just excuses. But a sliver of truth rings true; the lack of opportunities to sit down and put pen to paper - so to speak - has left my mind idle, with no fan for the flames to burn.

I refuse to say that I am consumed by work. My work is not me, I am my work - or so I believe. Perhaps I really have become my work, letting it define me. But no, I am still me, just that in my pursuit for a better life, I have not yet been able to find that gap in time to smell the roses.

But these thoughts, these words are a dying art. Perhaps not dying. They are still there. But swimming in this sea of news words - politics, murder, rape, corruption, death - I have lost the words of abstraction that lets loose the intangible thoughts.

If there's a time that you should return, it is now, Words of Mine. I miss you. I miss putting you down on these slabs of blank stone.

Some days are better than others.

Some days are not.

While we all live different lives, see things in different perspectives, live lives with problems distinctly different from one another, the point is, we all have problems. The difference between yours and mine, mine and his, hers and yours does not make any of it less difficult for the person surviving it.

What matters is how you deal with it.

My life is difficult. But if I were to tell you why, some people (maybe you?) are likely to say: That's nothing, you haven't heard what happened to me, or, I've been through that before and I'm fine. Buck up. Someone is bound to counter it with their own problems in a game of one-upmanship. I've already got troubles, do I really need to be burdened by yours?

The secret is how to survive.

I work with the media. Some days are good. Some days are crappy. You smile and you cry. Life goes on. Just as you're about to recover from one shock, another one rolls in. News come and go. Some old, some new. Some old but in new wrappings. Some new, masquerading as old.

You don't agree with me? I never asked you to.

I'm just trying to survive, and if I make it through alive, maybe I'll spend the time to thank you for putting that hurdle in my way and thus making me the stronger person today.

There is an art in looking for that silver lining.

For me, it's the constant smile he puts on my lips when I'm with him. The loving hand he offers for mine that lends me strength when I'm at my weakest. Asdil has saved me in more ways than he will ever understand. He is the fire in my heart that stokes the flames, urging me to go on. We have our bad days, too, but love always finds a way out of darkness and into a new dawn.

A family that has more faith in me than I ever deserve. A strong mother whose heart is gentle but is as solid as rock. A kind-hearted sister whose unfailing trust, witty banter and disarming frankness never cease to amaze me. A brother whose big heart is a warmth even though it is often lost on many in his stumbled words. A father who despite it all, an amazing figure.

And friends, near and far, whose words of assurance, no matter how little, lifts me from the lowest of lows.

God challenges you so you can ascend to a higher plane of thought. If He made everything easy, we'd never put in the effort to be better versions of ourselves.

The trick is to walk in other shoes to see new perspectives.

And remember why it's worth everything to keep on going.

I keep on writing this again and again so I never forget.

Life is hard. Some days are good, some days are bad. But I keep on fighting because I know it'll all be worth it in the end.

• - Selamat Hari Raya, everyone :)
• - And happy Merdeka, too.
• - To those who know what I mean, the phases are over. I'm on my own. Liberating, yet scary. But here's to hoping I'll hold my own.
• - Setar was not forced to shut down, thank God. Was already teetering on the edge, but we were pulled back. So yes, salary salary salary. I can pay for my car, rent, petrol... I can afford to give my parents cash, to my siblings and my grandma, too, and help my mum with some funding for her trip to Holland. Alhamdulillah, that was a very huge sigh of relief. 
• - Thinking back on a previous entry and other scathing and unapologetic commentaries, I am not sorry for what I said. I feel what I feel and I cannot be sorry for them, lest I be a hypocrite to myself. It may hurt the feelings of some in the process, but as I've said, I write these words here as it is solely a medium of expression. I'm not interested in feedback or reactions towards what I write. And though it is for all to see, I write them thinking as if these are for my eyes only. So whatever nerve I may have struck, if anybody read it for that matter, you are entitled to your opinion and me, mine. Just don't step on my toes while you're at it.
• - Again I say, no matter what you think of me, I love my job, and I love where I work. In the same vein as the above point, if you have a problem with me, well, then don't talk to me. We'll get along so much better that way, by not communicating. I'm tired of rude/insensitive/ignorant remarks on my profession or the company I work for. You're not the one working there, so just shut up la right? Let me earn my living the way I see fit, and if you don't like it, then don't follow suit; and even better? Don't talk to me and criticise me. 
• - Looking forward to an impromptu trip to Langkawi (my colleagues and I impulsively bought a voucher off Groupon for a night's stay in Langkawi, we bought two for a two-nights' stay) in early October :)
• - This Raya, it had been nice being able to give than to receive. After so long, it's nice to see the roles reversed for once.
• - As these years pass, it's getting harder to explain the absence additions to the family. It's easier in my head, but not as easy on the ears of those who expect reasons.
• - On the first day of Raya, I woke up to the voice of the other half of me, separated by distance, but at one in heart. My Asdil's words never fails to light up my day, and it surely did.
• - Merdeka was almost forgotten, as predicted. A little sad, even though I'm not particularly one to celebrate it. 
• - My feline son Freddie went missing for 10 days (4 days before we left for KB and 6 days while we were in KB). Went into a state of sadness that I couldn't help feeling irritable for the first few days in KB. For that I was sorry. But my heard leapt when he was there starving in front of the house when we came back. He was so light and oh so manja. He most probably got chased by the dominant male cats in the area and he got lost and couldn't find his way back. He's been so scared to leave the house and his fur is constantly half fluffed up, like he's ready to get into battle mode. Tonight he got chased again and he got so scared he crapped himself. Poor baby. 
• - I like taking photos of things, and of myself with friends and family, but not really the type to ask someone to snap a pic of myself. I feel so odd doing that. I will camwhore alone in my own privacy, but never ask someone to take a pic of me if I can avoid it.
• - Back to work in a few hours. Time to save the nation. 

Due to a small honest mistake, a wrong judgment in choosing of front covers, an oversight... we might be losing a good friend in the office. A comrade. One from our ranks. All over a voluntary job he decided take up, he might lose his career altogether. Over something that was blown out of proportion. It was a mistake, yes, and it was sloppy of him to miss that detail, but the consequences...is much too harsh. His fate now lies in the balance. And we can only hope that the party gunning for his suspension, for our shutdown, will take a step back. It's Ramadan for God's sake, forgive. Stop the swearing and accept the apology already.

And speaking of shutdown, as rumour has it, we might just...if people push hard enough. And that means, no pay. No salary. No anything. And it's just a few days to Raya. We have bills to pay, rent to meet, cars, and ultimately, families... A shutdown doesn't mean a free holiday. It means no money in our pockets. How to pay for travelling, for clothes, for food? We'll be celebrating Raya without a cent. Tell me how is that fair punishment for what is only theorised to be a ploy to poke at racial/religious sensitivities?

It's Ramadan. You said it yourself. Tak hormat Ramadan? Perhaps you should look in the mirror when you call out "bullsh*t" and maki us nicely.

I was reading THIS a while ago.

But first, I'm angry, so excuse my French and expect some uncharacteristic swearing.

And second, a disclaimer:

I have no political leanings as I think it's all gone to shit. Right here, right now, I have no respect for either side; I might change my mind someday, but now I am neutral. I have no patience for elections, and cannot care less to register to vote. Anyone who would like to criticise me for this, fuck off. This is not the first time I said it, and this won't be my last for sure. And as much as I hate to discuss politics, especially on my personal blog, I have to get this out. Just like you think *your opinion* is the definition of righteousness, I think mine is equally valid. And my opinion and thought is that I don't want to vote. You want to get on my case? Fine, but do it silently. Because while you waste your time telling me how (quoted off some righteous bastard telling me to vote) I am "one of the ignorant young people who is messing up the votes", what I really think of you is: "Wow, for somebody who is advocating freedom of speech, you sure aren't allowing my freedom of speech." So fuck off. I will vote if I want to. That's my right and freedom to choose. And if I don't want to, you're a bloody hypocrite if you criticise me for not doing so.  

Okay, now back to the article at the link above. I'm pissed off, so let me say this in point form. Or I will rant till the cows come home.

• First of all, again: Fuck you people who criticise my job and/or the company I work for. I'm working an honest job for an honest pay to pay my bills and put a roof on top of my head. This is the best job I've had and I am appreciated and treated with respect. How many jobs do that to you?  
• While I am not bashing the article above per se, I am pissed off with the generalisation that we media are free to say what we want to say. It's easy to say Setar says is propaganda, but did you even stop to think that we can write what we actually feel or think? Do you think any of us would have jobs if we reported everything as it is? You blame the journalists and the editors, easy la for you to say while typing behind your keyboards, but come on la, this is Malaysia, we obviously cannot breathe too loud or sigh to heavily. Did you ever think of that? Or are you so bent to prove a point that you put aside "intelligence" to say we are all mindless drones of a hive? Seriously, don't be so stupid and ignorant. As if you don't know the real landscape behind this all. If it were that easy to say things in the paper, don't you think we would have had such opinions in the news by now?
• I am a frikkin' sub-editor. I edit the news. I write the headlines as per the story given. You want to get on my case for being involved in the story? Dude, I didn't even write it. I just edited it. Please don't be so self-absorbed okay? You think we all are lapdogs hungry for a pat on the head? Hello, we have rent to make. Bills to pay. Parents to finance. Siblings who need pocket money. Tummies to feed. Everything is expensive, and good jobs are hard to come by. Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me to get out of such a company? Do you yourself know the inner-workings of your company? Is it all clean? Are you sure at some level money is exchanging hands under the table? Don't just talk la. Your over-generalisation just makes you shallow. 
• If you wanna criticise the paper, fine. But boleh tak don't pandai-pandai put the blame on the writers and editors. How long have you been living in Malaysis to say all that? Tak tau-tau lagi ke how it all works here? Saying that we are not reporting the truth. Whatever you construe as being the truth might not be the same for others. And whatever the truth is, obviously we cannot report it blow by blow or else the entire editorial will be blown out the window as we are all fired and spontaneously combust. 
• So all in all, please fuck off all "friends" and other people who have continuously pissed me off when they criticise me about my working for the Setar. I'm tired of this childish shit. 

Things can get a little crazy here in Linzy Land. Cash is always an issue thanks to finicky housemates, hefty TNB bills that only makes an appearance after two months with warning letter about paying bills on time (Hello? How about giving me the bill on time?), car problems that need repairing, much needed car petrol, and stupid Maxis bills that don't make sense.

Things are quite hectic as well, taking as many OTs (meaning that I finish at 2am) as I can, and doing freelance proofreading. These two I'm not complaining about, because the extra cash helps me stay afloat. But it does sap energy off of me.

Some days I wake up late and in a daze, feeling guilty of having missed the morning. It's hard to take that first step out of bed and out of the room and out of the house after working all night. My inactivity has further led me to put on more weight which makes me furious at myself.

Oddly though, life is good. Yeah, the crappy parts are, well, crap, but overall, it's been good. I enjoy my work, it finally feels fulfilling and I see a future in where I am. I think I can go far working here. I think I can give more to my family now, because my constant depression (when I was at my old company) has faded away and I can be a better person for them. And eventhough I don't see them as often, but the distance has made me feel all the more thankful of what I have.

The anticipation of going home to see my family makes me so excited that I feel like I need to buy gifts for everybody each time I go home. Making stops here and there to pick up a book for my sister, some Popeye's fried chicken for my brother, some home decor stuff for my mom and something my dad would like if I find any (he's a tough person to buy for :p). And when I get home, an almost audible sigh of relief escapes me. 

Living in PJ also means I get to see friends more often. Well, not that often, but with  my no longer being so far away in Cyberjaya, it's easier to plan for meetups with friends. And my colleagues are great friends, too. It's important, you know, to love the people you work with. Otherwise work will be only partly fulfilling, and you'd feel an emptiness when going to work everyday.

Asdil, of course, fills in the gaps, being all that I need. We don't see each other as often now, with my working at night and on weekends, too, and with him having classes all the way in Cheras every weekday til late. But I think that makes us stronger as a couple, and makes us grow better with each step, and hopefully prepares us better for our future.

I like the days when I have the day off, and we don't feel like going out for dinner. He'd come over and we'd cook dinner ourselves, and he'd cook up one of his mystery dishes. Then we'd have dinner while watching a comedy. It's simple, homey, and better than any fancy dinner we can ever have.

Yes, life is good. It seems like that is all I've been saying these past few entries (as far in between as they are), but that's the basic fact. Trying to make ends meet, living on your own and scraping through the month makes you go crazy, but in the end it is all worth it.

Because the bottom line is, you know that nothing in life comes for free. You have to work to get what you want, and that includes going through the hard times. I always keep in mind that Allah SWT gives to those who puts in the effort to work to reach their goals. And that keeps me going. One day, this will all pay off.

One day I will repay my parents for all they have given to me. I will make sure my little brother and sister will have a good role model and grow up to be good people. I will see that I will be there for my friends when they need someone to be their friend. One day, God willing, Asdil and I will be together for keeps and keep on being each others' shoulder to lean on.

Love,
Linzy

Sometimes I wish I could just fastforward this part of life and jump straight to the part where I am not insane with worries, not wracking my brains how to survive the next few weeks. Sometimes I wish I could just get to the part where I don't have to stare into space thinking about how to get through the month, when I don't have to have such short of patience because I'm constantly on edge.

But hey, if wishes were horses, right? I'd be bloody riding right now. The horses, I mean. Ahem.

Money troubles, house troubles, life worries, family worries; they all weigh down heavily on my shoulders, and quickly turning my hair white (so much so that Asdil has a fun time pulling them out and commenting how old I've gotten). Sometimes I don't need to go through this part of life and just click on the forward button.

But hell, we all know that these are the times that make you. It's difficult and just so damn painful, but these are the years that shape the things to come. I know all this, of course, but I just wish it wasn't so hard.

On the upside, though, I still have my family who loves me regardless. My mom, whom I, as of late, argue with way too much than usual, helps me through wherever she can despite it all. I am terribly guilty, and a terribly bad daughter this past year, and yet, the things she does for me is just unbelievable. My siblings, especially my sister, makes me smile and gives me the strength cos I know I have to be strong for my siblings. And Asdil, he's been with me every step of the way, been there when I cry my eyes out, and have just kept on loving me, even on days when I don't love myself. He's the one who has been there on days I'm alone, far from family...he's been so many things in one single person, and it's awesomeness.

So, for the most part, even when in pain, I can still say "screw it", I'm loved and that can be enough for me, even if I don't got anything else. These are trying times, and it can be hard just getting by a month, but despite it all, there are things life that are much much better than everything else. And most importantly, they are free :)

Love,
Linzy

I have to admit, for the first time since I started my working life, I feel appreciated for my quality of work. I feel accomplished, like I'm part of something and I am contributing towards it. I feel like I am needed in order for this machine to function. I go to work with a sense of purpose, and responsibility lies heavy yet easy on my shoulders. I feel like for once, I am an employee.

Setar has been good to me my first month. Although I felt abit out place, I jived easily into the workflow. My colleagues and superiors are nice, and they help me and give me pointers every now and then. Although they are much much older than I am (most of them must be around my parents' age or older, even), they don't make me feel stupid and immature. The benefits here are great, as they give security to me as well as my family. And while the pay is not as great as before, it's a small price to pay for a sane mind.

Before, in Woter Kooler, I was trapped in their fishbowl. I felt as dumb as a 3-second memory goldfish who swam around the tank and was constantly scrutinized to the very detail. Oh, your eyes are too bugged out or Oi, your fins stick out at an odd angle or Hey there, your tail is out of shape. Like please, shut up. They're my eyes, my fins and my tail. And if they are not like yours, then leave me the hell alone. You cannot expect me to be the very same like all the other fish.

On top of that, I felt like a failure. I felt stupid, unwanted, good for nothing and a waste of space. Most days I spent the my time after work crying or staring into space feeling like a loser. I was weary of that. I was tired of sobbing uncontrollably in Asdil's arms being weak and insecure. I couldn't deal that way. I am not that kind of person. It was not fair to myself, unhealthy. I didn't recognize my own self in the mirror. I was a shadow of myself. It wasn't fair to the people I love having to bear the brunt of my insecurities and anger. I couldn't treat them that way. I just needed a way out.

And Setar was it.

Don't get me wrong, though. I miss my friends in Woter Kooler. Being in that team, made the torment bearable. With them, I could smile through my pain, even on days when I escape to cry in the restroom. They were good friends to me, and I felt accepted and well loved and happy. Unfortunately, it is not reason enough to stay.

At the end of the day, it's the work that matters. While earning the money that puts food in your belly, a shelter over your head and a bed to sleep in is the point of being employed and earning a good salary, you have to enjoy what you do. And you need to be appreciated for they work that you do so that you may stay on and keep on doing said work. You need it to stay sane, to be able to wake up each morning and want to continue living the way you do. We all need a reason to keep pushing on.

So for me, Setar is my saviour. Of course, it may be too early for all this to be said. It may be so that I ain't seen nothing yet, but I'm with the strength I've re-gathered after surviving my last experience, I am sure I can go though whatever they throw me. I think I am a much stronger person now than before. Just give me time.

I think I'll shine through.

Love,
Linzy

P/s: My one and only Asdil, thank you for putting up with me during those difficult times. Your patience and words  and comfort gave me strength when I had none. I love you.

I haven't been in the right frame of mind to talk about the things that have been happening for the past few weeks. Everytime I begin to attempt typing out my thoughts, I am stunted by my inability to write and/or put them into words. So here's what I've been doing these past few weeks

• I left WKESP officially on the 29th of April 2010. More specifically, I left Aust-B. I had a very very long cry, not being able to believe I won't be walking into that office again and see them each day. They gave me hugs, which made me cry harder and they all had a procession for me, walking me to the door, for one last time. Leaving them feels like letting go of family. But the best thing about family is that, they're always there for you. I'm halting any entries about leabving WK at the moment until I can sort out my thoughts and feelings.
• I moved out of Cyberjaya on the 30th of April. Ash did most of the job. I packed everything up and he loaded it into the van we borrowed from my uncle. Then we drove to PJ and he unloaded the van for me. I couldn't have done it without him (thanks Sayang). And of course, thanks to my family, too. Who helped me carry the second round of stuff. Yes, I have that much stuff...mostly books and clothes.  
• Starting on May 3rd, I am now an employee of the Star. To be specific, a sub-editor for the Star. The Star newspaper that I've been reading daily. Feels almost like a dream. It's different here, but I like it. Work-wise, I do feel very much more accomplished than how I felt in WK.
• I'm now living in PJ. Around the Tropicana area to be more precise. No, not next to Tropicana City Mall like people keep asking. It's near the Tropicana Golf Resort. The condo is called Bayu Puteri Tropicana. It's quite a nice place. House is a bit of a fixer-upper due to an irresponsible landlord, but I'll manage.
• Did I mention my working hours are from 4pm to 12am daily? Uhh, yeah, I start work at 4pm and leave for home around 12am. Wonderful hours for me, cos that's when I work best. And it's not like I have a nightlife anyway, so it's no problem for me. I get to see Ash in the daytime and spend more waking hours with him especially since now I live about 15 minutes away from him and not 50 minutes like when I was in Cyberjaya.
• I'm still getting used to my new area, new job, new schedule, new house...alot of things are still on my mind. But all in all, I'm feeling content right now; like things are falling into place, just need a few things sorted before they can fit even better.

Love,
Linzy

It's only days until I say goodbye to Wolters Kluwer for good. Only hours, in fact. Since if I were to offset my annual leave balance, I'd only have 3 hours and 45 minutes left to be in the office.

It's the little things that could make everyday life wonderful. Often it's not the over the top gestures that get me, but the often taken-for-granted things that are often overlooked that gets me, and it puts on a smile on my face the whole day.

The little things that I love in my everyday life:

• Waking up to a wonderful sight of dawn.
• The janitors around my apartment (the one at my old block C1 especially) who are always ready with a "good morning, miss".
• Upon reaching my office building, stopping by at the side of the road to buy my morning dose of nasi lemak and/or meehun (or I eat it for tea time or lunch if I'm not going out). The man who sells the nasi lemak is always smiling and very friendly.
• My team's spam mails that we send each other, but really, it's the accompanying commentary that is really fun, not the original content of the email itself.
• My one-on-one lunch sessions
• The small gestures that he presents me with that may seem small and insignificant to some, but means the world to me
• Cooking dinner (when I do cook)
• Chatting with my housemates, or colleagues
• My gtalking with my mom/Sarah/Raqib and occasionally others
• Reading my daily comic, LICD
• Our saying goodnight to each other before I go to bed.

There is more than this, and perhaps I've even typed all this out before. But these things are so beautiful to me that it needs constant repeating. It's really the simple things that makes life all the better. And I thank God for letting them happen every day. And I thank God that I still have everyday to have these things.

Love,
Linzy

Everything is official now.

I've tendered my resignation with WKESP on the 1st of April. And no, it was no April Fools' joke. This must have been one of the most difficult things I've ever done...I'll miss my teammates terribly.

I've signed the contract wit Star. I shall commence employment on May 3rd. I shall be a sub-editor for the daily newspaper, editing from 4pm to 12am, 5 days a week.

I'm looking for an apartment in the PJ area...something much more affordable from the place I am now, since I'm taking a hefty paycut (but the upside is better benefits). I've found a place, and that is tentatively the place I'll be taking up.

I feel anxious and scared, also unsure of whether this is the best decision. But after a long talk with my Team Leader, Arvind, I think this is for the best. And I no longer feel so heavy with uncertainty and guilt.

But I feel lighter, relieved. And looking forward to better things and opportunities.

Everything is bearing pretty heavy in my mind at the moment, and I cannot find the words to really put this heart to rest. But for now, this will do.

So, wish me luck.

Love,
Linzy

• Had a very good morning, the way all mornings should start ;)
• Had a good brunch with Sayang at Tropicana City Mall at a restaurant called Otak-otak Place. It has an ol'skool, classroom concept which is pretty endearing. The food was served in them good ol' mangkuk sia or mangkuk tingkat which is pretty neat. And the restaurant was decorated with toys from the yesteryears, ie those khaki green toy soldiers, marbles, pick-up stix, boardgames like ludo, and their notice boards were of course the those blackboards (or green, rather) like in school. The table itself had bottle caps and a deck of Happy Family cards to play with while waiting for our food. At their cashier counter, there were glass jars of Tora, lollipops and other childhood favourite snacks. And their menu was like school exercise books. Niceness! Oh, and did I mention the food was good, too? I had nasi lemak and rendang ayam. The rice was really lemak and the rendang so yummy. Check out these reviews for more info and pictures:

1. You get what you give
2. KYSpeaks
3. ShoppingSalesQueen
4. KLue, or
5. visit their site itself to know what I mean: Otak-otak Place 

• Lepaked at Badass Coffee for a cuppa while waiting for the time to push off to Section 16, PJ for my appointment. The appointment itself had me sigh a sigh of relief...a new chapter is beginning, and I'm scared but excited. I cannot wait. I'm sad, but also happy. I can't wait.
• Went back to Tropicana City Mall to wait out the rain and jam time. Decided to go watch a movie. I picked How to Train Your Dragon and it was simply awesome. Hands down the best movie I've seen this year and the most fun animation I've watched in a while. I've gotten tired of the run-of-the-mill animation movies but I decided to give this one a try. Definitely worth it :) Sayang and I had a good time laughing and  being at the edge of our seats at the more scary bits.
• Went to the game arcade for two rounds of Daytona USA. Highlight was when I smashed into Ash's car from behind to slow him down...nevermind that I lost :p
•  Drove back to Cyber -- one of the best times spent with Ash would be when we are in the car, driving somewhere and just talking.
• Had a good dinner at Rahim's and my chapati was yummy. Abit weird for chapati texture, but was good nonetheless...very buttery and soft. Yum.

And now I'm home and reliving the best parts of the day...which is all of it. I'm content, and no words anyone could say could change that.

Love,
Linzy

The edge I'm on cuts deep like the sharp edge of a knife.

Feels like drowning even when I'm breathing.

I've come home crying in frustration more times than I could count.

Gone to the lowest of lows I remember going to in a long time.

And now I am anticipating reaching higher up to grasp at that lifeline that have been much too far above my head. Come tomorrow, a new chapter will begin.

I no longer want to come home to hide my face in the chest of my Love and cry away my anger helplessness. I don't want to leave my fate in the hands of people who do not know that I have feet to walk my own. I don't need their words to know the person I am. I know. I just forgot. And now I need to be reminded.

When tomorrow comes, I hope with it I'll regain what I have lost. I'll get reacquainted with the part of me that has been stomped down hard to the bottom of my self-worth, dragged along behind me like litter stuck on my heel. I'll climb back onto that horse and ride. I'll wipe those tears and look to the world head up and in the face once more.

Tomorrow, I hope to reach for the star(s).

Love,
Linzy

Disclaimer: Picture by kaotickell at DeviantArt.

 
Watch the slow decline
The steeping edge
This fall from grace
A downward spiral
I'm losing face.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2010

Disclaimer: Picture by bucz from deviantart.
 

Maybe lakes will run
Break ranks and banks
Seep through the cracks
Bleeds dry and cries.
Maybe nightingales'll sing
Breaking dawns and dusks
Sirens beg and plead
Traction bends and gives.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2010.

* A shorter, edited version of the original I wrote which had a slightly more comedic ring, although the purpose of this is far from it. This is the tip of the iceberg of emotions that is waiting for that ship to come. Not altogether complete, but will have to do for now.

Disclaimer: "The Lily Pond" by Lynn Andrews was taken from Fine Art America.

An hour until the clock strikes 12am.

An hour until I turn 24.

And before that bell tolls, not that there is one, but figuratively speaking; a few things have crossed my mind in quick succession in these past few days:

I am in my 24th year of living. At my age, my mother got married to my father. And at 24, my mother carried me for almost 9 months and gave birth to me at the end of the year. And while I am still far from walking in those shoes, it doesn't mean that I don't plan to. It doesn't mean that I don't want to. I'm longing to. I look forward to that day. I've found a man whom I love with all my heart and plan to be with for the rest of my life. When I think of the future, he is in every space of that vision, and no matter how long it'll take, I'll work to realize that future. When the time comes, and we will know when, we'll walk those shoes I'm can hardly wait to wear.

The year has been difficult. Painful. I've hurt in spaces of my heart I never thought could get hurt. My hair grayed when it shouldn't have. And I've cried for reasons I never thought possible. Many plans went destroyed. My heart got broken over and over. I've thought all was lost many times over. I've wanted to give up many times, and still do feel so. But...

I have a family who loves me unconditionally; despite my shortcomings and the pain that I can be. Friends near and far, in ways big and small, never fail to show me that they think of me, care for me and love me, even when I fail them. And my ever constant best friend, lover and simply, the other half of me, my Asdil, has showered me with love and has stood by me through everything. He's caught me everytime I stumbled, gave me his shoulders for my tears, and carried what I could not carry on my own. This year has been easier with him by my side.

So here's to 24 years of living. Here's to the achievements and downfalls. To my family and friends. To my darling, Asdil. Here's to life and more of it.

Life is long, and it can be difficult and it can be lonely, but when you are surrounded by love, pain ceases hold, and you breathe easier. When all is said and done, life is worth it in the end, because it's not what you suffered that you dread to miss at that the very last breath; but you remember the sweetness life has brought.

Love,
Hazlin

This is me disconnecting
This is me detaching
This is me walking in the rain
This is me dulling the pain.
You'll see me today. No.
You'll see me tomorrow.
Don't count on it, though
I won't show any sorrow.
I'm lying through these smiles
My head is far, miles and miles
My heart is hoping all the while
For these ends to reconcile.
Is this where I end the show?
See me leave and turn to go
Don't wanna wait for the jeers to sound
Or it that your call, calling me around? 
This is me hardhitting
This is me contemplating
This is me at the end of the rope
But tell me, is there still hope?

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009