Sup3rnality

You know that kind of book? I think you do. The kind we hear mixed reviews about. Some say it's good. Some say don't bother.

Your interest is piqued, and you know you need to read it for yourself to decide whether it really is worth the hype. The little voice in your head tells you that you shouldn't be part of a passing fad, and yet, another voice asks you "What if it isn't?".

So you search for it in bookstores, URL and IRL. Bookstores and Amazon. Under every possible category, you look for this coveted title. Everytime you think you've found it, it turns out it's a similar book but not what you were looking for. Or, it is a mere rip-off masquerading as the real deal.

Disappointment fills you. You wonder how others have found this book but somehow not you. Perhaps you should have latched onto the bandwagon when you first heard the whispers about it among friends? Perhaps now that it is so popular, it makes it all the more unattainable.

At this point, you either settle for a wannabe version of this book, just to get an idea of what the real one might be like, or, you forget it altogether, popping by bookshops every now and again hoping to catch a glimpse of what you would really prefer. Or, for some, you give up altogether.

But then you find it. I don't know, perhaps at the bookstore where it was waiting all along. But there are those who find it hidden in the nook of a hole-in-the-wall shop, or a second-hand book at the back of a car, or someone's forgotten copy left on the train. It could be anywhere. But when you find it, it's likely that you feel like meeting an old friend, like someone you've been waiting to meet, and yet never had the chance to until now.

The thing is with this book, the way some books are, you can't find the synopsis in the back. Nor within the sleeves. Not even in the preface. You don't know what it is about. All you know is that many people have good things to say about it. But every person is different. How do you know whether you will like it or hate it?

So, do you read it?

Perhaps you will dare to venture onto the first page, and maybe you won't.

Whether or not you regret it, that is up to interpretation.

Love...is like that book.

People talk about it all the time. From the moment you are old enough to have the stirrings of emotions for the opposite sex, you've heard the stories, how wonderful it is. But then some tell you it's all not worth your time, sometimes they say it's just a ploy to get into your pants.

And despite all the horror stories, the cliches, the glorified tales...you want it for yourself. An understandable decision with an almost impossible solution.

Now you have to look for it.

Sometimes you find it, and sometimes it finds you. But what you find can sometimes be what you need and want, or it could also sometimes spell heartbreak.

But when you do hold the promise of Love in your hands, the synopsis is not written on the back. You don't know what you're getting. Will you be happy at the very end, or will you be left crying? Sometimes you do cry along the way, but it doesn't mean it will end badly. Sometimes it'll be happy all the way through, and sometimes you won't. It's how you read it, how you live it.

Love and me, we've had our ups and downs.

Once someone found their book in me, or he only thought he did. Because I could not give love in return, not in the way he wanted at least. We have always been good friends, but I to me he was always just that, and could not see him as anything more. I closed his book for him.

And when I thought I found my book, and he his, in each other, we found that while we shared common themes, we never really complemented one another. And in the end, we ended up drifting apart until he found another book to read and left me to find mine.

He was the way some books are. Not a bad book, but not entirely easy to read either. And at the end, he was the moral of the story, a lesson to be learnt. And while it took me about many years to realise that, I never did hold it against him. 

And then I found a book. My Book. He was sitting in the backseat with me. He was sitting across the small metal table from me at the Karak highway McDonald's early one morning. He had his arms tentatively testing the waters, slowly wrapping around me underneath my brown jacket that covered us one cold morning while out with friends. And he gave me my first kiss.

Try as I could, I could not find the synopsis to our story. I was scared I would not find what I wanted. I was scared of just reading for the sake of having the book. I was afraid of being hurt yet again. I was afraid I would find happiness, then have it change to sadness instead. I was afraid of a good many things.

But I would never know what was in store unless I smoothened out the pages and read the story with my voice, tasted the words on my tongue. And so I read on. We read on.

This is our story. And I never want it to end.

#31

Contrary to popular belief, I was never kissed by any one of the two boyfriends I've had prior to Asdil. Nor have I ever kissed or been kissed by anyone by accident, on an impulse, on a dare... Cheeks don't count, of course. I'm talking full on lips here.

So, in case you haven't caught on yet, I was a kiss virgin at 22; that is, until Asdil and I shared that fateful kiss in the early morning light in the back of Yumi's car.

It wasn't something I meant to hide, it's just that I never committed my answer to a "yes" or a "no", since well, nobody really asked. Everybody assumed that I have kissed, and I never thought to correct them. I'm sorry, though, to the friends that have asked me things like "Is so-and-so a good kisser?" and I just said something like "Yeah, he's pretty alright". You people know who you are, especially on one occasion at the Karak highway McDonald's where some of the Twisties quizzed me on kissing techniques.

So yeah, that would explain the blush and the reluctance to answer the questions asked of me that time and the reason why I declined to kiss a certain Twistie during that Truth or Dare session we had. Truth was, I was saving my first kiss for someone, someone who I felt would make that kiss special and I wanted the kiss to be a promise of something more, not a meaningless peck between platonic friends to fulfil a dare. I didn't know who that someone would be, but I was willing to wait.

My waiting didn't take long.

A few days after our game of Truth or Dare, in what would be the beginning of something wonderful, heart in my throat, in all uncertainty yet certain that this was the moment I was waiting for, I met Asdil halfway for a wonderful first kiss.

And the rest, they say, is history.

In Memory of Amirah Anuar 
4th May 1985 - 26th October 2010

It's heart-warming, and yet heartbreaking, to see old friends from SMK Seksyen 9, Shah Alam unite as one to pay their last respects in memory of an old friend and schoolmate, Amirah Anuar. After years of being apart, separated by distance, time, jobs and various obligations, we are all different people now; but in a time of sorrow, it reverberates through all of us the gravity of this heavy weight that bears down on all of us.

We have lost one among our ranks.

We all shared one memory of being in the same school, walking down the same corridors, standing in that same hall, singing the same songs. We were different people, we were from different groups and cliques, maybe liked or hated each other. Nevertheless, we had camaraderie, we had a friend in common.

At one point or another, we might have bumped into Amirah, talked to her, shared a smile as we passed one another, been classmates... At one point or another, even if it was just for a moment, Amirah had been a part of our lives.

For me, I was her classmate in Form 2. 2 Yakin 1999 to be precise. My memory of her was that she taught me the love for make-up. We discovered the many different types of lip gloss and balms, eye shadow and the power of facial blotters. We shared posters from magazines and exchanged lyrics. She borrowed a few of my tapes to listen at home. We shared magazines to read when we were bored. We sang the same songs and joked about in class. We gossiped and laughed like any 14-year-old would. She was also a comforting friend when the challenges of being 14 got too hard to bear. In a few words, Amirah was my friend.

I may not have had the chance to get to know her past the year of being classmates. I may not have kept in touch beyond school, even. But Amirah, you will be remembered, and you will be missed.

May you be placed among those with faith. Al-Fatihah.
Condolences to your family.

An hour until the clock strikes 12am.

An hour until I turn 24.

And before that bell tolls, not that there is one, but figuratively speaking; a few things have crossed my mind in quick succession in these past few days:

I am in my 24th year of living. At my age, my mother got married to my father. And at 24, my mother carried me for almost 9 months and gave birth to me at the end of the year. And while I am still far from walking in those shoes, it doesn't mean that I don't plan to. It doesn't mean that I don't want to. I'm longing to. I look forward to that day. I've found a man whom I love with all my heart and plan to be with for the rest of my life. When I think of the future, he is in every space of that vision, and no matter how long it'll take, I'll work to realize that future. When the time comes, and we will know when, we'll walk those shoes I'm can hardly wait to wear.

The year has been difficult. Painful. I've hurt in spaces of my heart I never thought could get hurt. My hair grayed when it shouldn't have. And I've cried for reasons I never thought possible. Many plans went destroyed. My heart got broken over and over. I've thought all was lost many times over. I've wanted to give up many times, and still do feel so. But...

I have a family who loves me unconditionally; despite my shortcomings and the pain that I can be. Friends near and far, in ways big and small, never fail to show me that they think of me, care for me and love me, even when I fail them. And my ever constant best friend, lover and simply, the other half of me, my Asdil, has showered me with love and has stood by me through everything. He's caught me everytime I stumbled, gave me his shoulders for my tears, and carried what I could not carry on my own. This year has been easier with him by my side.

So here's to 24 years of living. Here's to the achievements and downfalls. To my family and friends. To my darling, Asdil. Here's to life and more of it.

Life is long, and it can be difficult and it can be lonely, but when you are surrounded by love, pain ceases hold, and you breathe easier. When all is said and done, life is worth it in the end, because it's not what you suffered that you dread to miss at that the very last breath; but you remember the sweetness life has brought.

Love,
Hazlin

I dislike it when people say "Oh, I don't have Facebook. It's become uncool now that everybody is using it", or "I don't Facebook, it's for losers with no life", or even "Facebook?! Yeesh! Why would I stoop that low?". Well, to each his own, really; especially to the last two instances but do you really have to be that rude and condescending? And to the first comment, I honestly think to myself: So why don't you stop breathing now since every single person on earth is doing the exact same thing?".

Well, boohoo to you people lah. I wouldn't really give a damn but it's just that people like that grates at your nerves. I FB and I have a life, thank you very much. And Facebook (and other social networking sites) has time and time again made my day.

So what do I use Facebook for? Well, on the whole, I connect with friends old and new via my FB account. I've learned things I never knew about them, reconnected with them, keep in touch and stay current with them, watch them grow and change, wish/greet/congratulate them when occasions occur etc. Of course there are other attractions life games and other applications, but FB has really widened the ways I could interact and socialize.

I know it may sound lame to some, doing so via lit screens, mouse-moving and tapping keyboards, but it works; and friends whom I've been separated from by miles and time don't seem all that far away. I mean, eversince primary school, secondary school and uni-life, friends go separate ways. Some leave the country, some lose contact, some just disappear and you have no idea how to find them. When I left school, things like handphones were still a luxury, hence we only got housenumbers. But people move, and so did I; so those numbers became void.

Apart from that, via the applications (especially the earlier ones, before the revolutionized FB), I've discovered much about what my friends think of me. For example, the app that has your friends choose 5 words they think apply to you; I was pleasantly surprised to know that the top 3 characteristics my friends chose for me were intelligent, attractive and sweet. That tells me that I've been doing good all this while, and I should keep it up. I've also read testimonials friends write about me that brings tears to my eyes, like the touching ones Hamzah and Alfred used to write about me. It really made me feel very appreciated. And earlier, when the privacy settings were still a little sketchy, random guys would message me with pickup lines and fancy embellished prose to get my attention. Yes, I do realize that probably only a fraction of them were sincere and the others were just scum wanting to get laid, but it still did the ol' ego good, thinking I at least had the stuff to get them to even bother to make an effort :p

One of the best wonder Facebook has done for me is that it reconnected me with long-lost friends. Like one guy whom was my "boyfriend" in playschool whom I've not heard from or seen since we left kindergarten. I met him online some years back and he is still as cheeky and sweet as ever, and the best thing is he remembers all the silly things we did back in the day :p Oh, and recently, I reconnected with an old friend I've not met in a decade, thanks to her moving to the states and not having her contact number. It's such a wonderful feeling to have found her again... And of all ways to find her, is when I suddenly got tagged by a friend who saw my picture in this long lost friend's album... Wanna see the picture? No prize for guessing which one am I. I think it's bloody obvious. But keep in mind I was 11 at the time :p

You ache too great
Too much quiver and quake
Fear not, dear, just wait
It'll come yet, not too late.


Beat slow, heart, slowly
Let not your eyes green in envy
In this game we do not race
We walk, we run, we go our pace.


Wait, love, let patience reign
Do not take heart, nor fall in disdain
For some it's closer and some in a distance
No fortune just falls in random happenstance.



Dear soul, don't weep in longing
This gap will be filled with no more wanting
Just let it be, let it run its course
All in good time, for good things aren't forced.


(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009


Written as a reminder to myself to be patient. All in good time, all in good time. 
Disclaimer: Picture credit to Backlitstranger@Deviantart.

Convocation went by on the 12th like it didn't even disturb the air. A rustling of leaves in the background, all too soon swept away and forgotten. So much for the swaying branches and holding of breaths as it momentarily suffocates; it is over too soon for the tattooing of a memory against the mind. Life resumes as normal, it was nothing but a few hours in a lifetime.

It's funny how something you wait your whole life for, look forward to the whole year, prepare for, splurge on, ends in no more than 10 seconds. You couldn't even hear the ticking of the seconds going by even if you listened; the moments move by much to rapidly between the space of time from point one to the X that marks the spot you stand on to receive the mock scroll, where you smile a mock smile, and mock happiness when all you feel is crappiness.

Convocation was...not what I had envisioned. Not what I had in mind. Not the way I wanted it to be. Not the way I planned. Not the way I thought it would feel. Not everything that it could have been. I was disappointed. I was angry. I was sad. I was crying. At the end of the day after dropping Mine at TTDI, my head hurt and my eyes were blurring with tears and confusion that I almost ran a red light and drove into cars crossing the junction from the right. The road had a streak of my tyre's skid marks. People glared from their cars. I turned around and drove back to Fidzy's. Back to Mine's arms. I bunked at Fidzy's overnight cos I didn't have the strength to drive with sanity anymore.

Yesterday felt more like Convocation than the Monday before did. I took my scroll. Took my DVD. Took my photos. Took my Commemorative book. I kept my mortarboard. I felt...graduated. Albeit still standing alone with all of that in-hand, but I felt accomplished, done. I was only missing my robes.

I'd like to say, "Don't ask me about my Convocation"; because it was a climax never reached. So much unachieved potential hung in the air heavy on my back. But to even begin to say why, would be going far beyond the extent of my exhibitionism, and will take longer to tell than the human ear can take. And to decline to explain and a shake of a head will only invite more questions too difficult to have answers for. So if you were to ask me how convo was, I'd just nod my head, smile, and give that mock smile I gave as I received my mock scroll. It was alright, I'd say. But not in entirety alright.

My Convocation and I, we have a love-hate relationship. For the most part, I love it for being what it is, it's mine, and it was my day or few seconds of glorification, even if the rector forgets my name in the next second. It was a few hours of seeing once-familiar faces, faces of whom I am unsure of whether I will ever see again. It was a moment in a lifetime I have looked forward to all my life that I will never get back. But I hate it, because with it came the tide of sadness and anger and a tinge of betrayal. I shrank into myself, had my feelings hurt and emotions toyed with, and when the day came around, I was hard and unfeeling, defensive and angry. And in years to come, looking back at this moment, all I will ever think of is how my plans and my hopes for that moment came down in crash of...anger? Selfishness? Insensitivity? I cannot find the words... But that day will always be shadowed in darkness over what it never was, and the reason that lead to that.

Convocation came and it went, without so much of a goodbye. I stare out the window and wonder where it went; missing something that I never really got to know. Convocation came and went, and it left me standing alone amongst a crowd with a weight in my arms and in my heart. And it's more than I could carry.

But all the same, Happy Convocation, friends. It was good to see your smiling faces... Good luck in life, and may we cross paths again.

Love,
Linzy~

I just came back from the post office, went there to send in my payment and photograph to IIUM for the commemorative book for the Class of 2009. It struck me just how not long ago I was just walking the hallways of the IRKHS, going up and down the Batu Caves stairs, getting to classes on time, and living in a college. It wasn't that long ago.

What, it's been like, 6 months ago? Half a year? The number sounds like quite a few, but it wasn't that far back that I had trudged to the maze-like pathways of IIUM. And now I am working, earning my own living, paying my own bills, have my own car which I am paying for, and just surviving day to day by my own means. Where has the time gone?

Because, when I think about it, it seems like a lifetime ago.

It's funny, to think that it feels like only yesterday, but it also feels like it happened to another person, in another life. It's unexplainable.

As I sat eating my lunch and reminiscing, some memories come flooding back:

• 25th May 2003, 6 years to the day, my family and I, drove from Shah Alam to Section 17, Petaling Jaya, where the Holy Grounds of the Matriculation Centre, UIA, stood. As soon as I entered the AMF, I asked myself "What have I gotten myself into?". And the first person I talked to in UIA was rude and a snob. Hmmph.
• Meeting Zaza, my first roommate in UIA. We both were so innocent then. I remembered Zaza in her baju kurung and big, slip-on tudung, as we made our way to the topmost floor on the Zainab college.
• Had a horrific ta'aruf week. My shoes were uncomfortable and melecet in a dozen places. Hardly had the time to bathe or wash clothes, so we wore the same baju for a week. Had no time for food, so I went hungry on most days. And on a day that I did eat, I got food that had gone bad, and also had a soya bean drink that was already basi.
• One time, I almost left the room topless, and I have no idea how, but I put on my tudung and forgot my top... Thankfully Zaza was in the room to stop me.
• After ta'aruf, not having seen guys for a week, I went out with my friends and was half-drunk by the sight of guys walking in the street. I wound down the window of Iylia's car and waved at any cute guys passing by in.
• Meeting Julia for the first time. She connected me to the rest of the BENdit crew, so I remember her most of all. In the dingy classroom underneath the restaurants, I turned around to the girl behind me whom I heard Ms. Adlina calling 'Julia', and asked her whether she was 'Julia' and whether she knew anything about being exempted from taking English, since I saw her name on the list.
• I remember my camaraderie with my roommates, the actual ones and the extended ones. There was myself, Zaza, Kak Ziana, Shikin, Nurul, Halem, Ira, and Liyana. Imagine the tiny ZC room being stuffed with double the number of people. But we had good times. Like that time on Shikin's birthday and her brother (also Nurul's boyfriend) bought her a Secret Recipe cake. The frosting tasted weird, so we scraped it off and had a food fight. Oh, and that time when I did not realize there was a bowl of yong tau foo on the floor, and I jumped down from my top bunk and right onto the plate. You would not believe the extent of the splatter of the soy sauce. It went high up the wall where I could not reach to wipe clean. It splattered on my roommates' clothes and towels, and notice boards, and books...but not in the slightest did it touch mine. It would seem as though I was trying to sabotage their things... Thankfully, Halem and Nurul were in the room as witnesses.
• How we all (BENdits) trooped into an empty classroom and took a marker pen we found and started writing things about UIA that we didn't like. Sarah was the one doing the writing... and when we have written too much, and wanted to erase it, only then did we realize that the marker was actually permanent. We crossed out what we can with the marker pen...and hurriedly tried to leave the scene of the crime...that was when Sarah yelled "Fingerprints!", and proceeded to wipe the board :P It was a laugh riot.
• Our Lepak Place. It was a very comfortable group pow-wow nook that we went to eat, joke, talk, sleep... But the important word here is "comfortable". It was such a nice place to be in between classes and just have some like-minded company share a laugh with you.

There are so many things that I can talk about, and thus far, I've only covered a part of my experience in Matric. I haven't even gotten to the main campus... I could fill a book. But for now, this is it.

Can't believe that it has already been 6 years since the day.

Love,

Linzy

Once again I find myself in this rut of a situation:

Apartment hunting.

Apartment hunting in Cyberjaya is a pain.

The operative word here is “Cyberjaya”.

Why? Because of these following factors:

• It is mighty expensive. One room, even a single or middle room, depending on whether or not it is furnished, can reach to about RM500. And I'm only talking about the standard furnishings. Some supposedly fancy ones can go up to RM600+. And myself here, am looking for a master bedroom, which could be between Rm450 to Rm900. Crazy right? Even at it's cheapest, around RM450 (that is if you're very very lucky and grab it fast before anyone does), it's enough to pay the rent for an entire flat, or a cheap terrace house anywhere else. It's outrageous, the price. And we are talking about just one room here.
• Most apartments have mixed gender housemates. Liberal as I am, I am not partial to having male housemates. A little hypocrite, yes, but living in a house with a guy stranger means not being able to come out of my room without enough coverage. And for people who don't know me, that pretty much means covering up. I may be liberal, but I am not comfortable with dressing only partially in the presence of males. And then, not to mention how dangerous it iss to have an unknown male living under the same roof. Not that I do not have faith in the goodness of the human race, it's just that they do not have my complete faith. I don't want to be caught up in a situation whereby something happens to me whilst alone in a house with a guy, and then I can't say much because not only is it wrong to live with a guy like that, but it will be considered by people to be asking for trouble... so, best not take the risk. Although, at this point of desperation, I can hardly care anymore. But my parents oppose the idea, so, all the more reasons not to. Ash, though, prefers the idea of having a guy in the house for the sake of safety. I agree, but then, like I said, my parents won't allow it, and I'd hate having to feel uncomfortable in my 0wn house.
• The race factor. Yes, I'm speaking of difference in ethnicity and nationality. Not to be racist and whatnot, but, first of all, most of the people who post up room-for-rent adverts, state a preference of race, thus minimizing my options. Also, foreigners tend to ask for more, with their asking price for rent from around RM700 to RM800. And cultural/religious differences also come to play. Most foreigners here are fond of parties and alcohol; thus making them an unlikely candidate for housemate-dom. Especially if said parties and alcoholic beverages are had within the premises of the home. Locals, on the other hand, and the Chinese in particular, aren't very comfortable with races outside their own sharing a house. I've been turned down many times by those who wanted Chinese housemates only. Which reminds me, if they only want Chinese housemates, they should not write "Preferably Chinese" in their ads. It's misleading as it gives off that hope that yes, the would prefer a Chinese, but otherwise, any other race would be fine. If they didn't want any other race living with them, what they shoulda stated was "Looking for Chinese housemates only". Grrr... And then, there are the Malays. My own kin, to put it one way, eventhough I don't really care much for the race you are. When it comes to Malays, I am ever-wary of living with them, and would prefer to meet them if beforehand, before making the decision of moving in with them. I dread them busy-body types who barge in on your business. I am a relatively sociable person, but I like my space as well. And my space is mine, so don't come walking in uninvited.

So yeah, those are where the pain lies. Other than the usual requirements, ie peaceful and quiet housemates and them minding their own business, the factors above are what that is making it so hard to find a place. Minus all that, especially the gender and race factor, finding a house is pretty much a snap. But no, they hinder my getting a place...and thus, I am stuck in this rut.

And the worse thing is, my landlady who says she wants to take over the house sometime mid-year, has yet to confirm exactly when this will be. It puts us all in a tough situation not knowing when we need to get out. Especially since I'd rather stay than go... I don't mind paying the hefty rental, provided that I don't have to move out for the next few. Sheesh. This woman sure is inconsiderate. I mean, she has to give us a month's notice at least, and she has yet to do this. So if she expects to move-in in June without letting us know, she's in for a world of trouble.

In a rut I am.

Love,

Linzy~

Some episodes that I have neglected to post up due to being too distracted. I shoulda done this sooner on the days itself, but hey, I was busy then.

So, where were we last? Oh yes, the last episode would have been when we had our end of the semester (nevermind not all exams were done yet at the time) celebration at Yumi's place and our all-nighter sessions. Well if that episode were any indication, I was too blind to see. Perhaps a certain dare was a beginning...? Or a beginning to a beginning? Maybe...

*************************************************************************

7th April 2008

Episode 12

So we've been going out, seeing too much of each other and spending nearly 24/7 in each other's company. And for the most part, it was Ash, Yumi and I. There were times even when we had dinner together which is off the record as there are no pictures. But the three of us nonetheless.

But on this day, Ash didn't wanna follow us, and it became just a girl's night out. Well, actually not so much a night out as it was a dinner at McD's. Aaina and Maj had to make a move and so left Yumi, Lina and I on our own to chat at Burger King. After having some heart to hearts and some laughs, we had to send Lina back since she had an exam the next day.

It was about 11pm by then, but Yumi and I decided to go check on Ash to see if he was alright as he sounded a bit down on the phone earlier and cos we also wanted to get/give a cd. And so we drived up to the guys' colleges. What was supposed to be just a short visit turned out to be a drink at a mamak. And but of course we went over the curfew time and had to stay out :p

8th April 2008

Episode 13

So we stayed on at the mamak way past 12am. Next thing we knew, we were driving aimlessly like we always do. Yumi was in the backseat instead cos she was tired and was soon sound asleep as Ash and I joked around and sang to the songs he had on the cd player. Having grown up listening and loving oldies music (my mother's influence, mostly), I could remember most of the words, the chorus at least and sang along.

Ash drove on. Through KL and some roads unknown to me, and then the winding roads of Kuala Kubu and Rawang; the old roads, mind you, and he asked me to tell him stop when he has gone far enough. But I let him just drive. I was enjoying the comfort of cruising along and watching the dark of night go past. The roads were dark but instead of being scary, it was relaxing. The music set a nice ambience to the stillness of the night, and Ash was good company as we went about some silly bantering.

Ash drove and drove. And where else would we end up if not Tanjung Malim. Yep, we crossed the state line and now found ourselves in Perak. It was 5am by then, and we looked at the signboard as we turned the junction into town and yep, we were in Tanjung Malim alright.


Yumi woke up by then and we stopped for a bit at a bus terminal and couldn't stop laughing at the how ludicrous we were. Yes, we looked like a bunch of drunks who were doubling over in fits of laughter. But it was funny to us. Our being so far out seemed so unthinkable.

We got back in the car after catching out breaths and explored Tanjung Malim town by pre-dawn. It seemed like a sleepy town and yet, when we were cruising the shophouses, we saw a Hotel Bunga Raya. I grabbed at Ash's arm and pointed, cos just hours ago he was telling us about Sakip's notorious make believe place he tells people he's going to. That again, brought us into fits of laughter :P Yes, we were having a laugh riot.


After a while, we winded down and decided to take a breather in front of a 7-11. We were thinking of having breakfast at Yik Mun, a restaurant I have been going to for as far back as I can remember. So we decided to wait it out til they opened. Yumi was again sound asleep in the backseat, and Ash got himself a newspaper while I watched the lightening horizon. The dark blue was turning a sorta purple, and then hints of orange appeared. It was beautiful. And I felt oddly serene in that moment.

As Ash finished his paper, we started a light banter. Something about him being a paedophile and my being incestuous. Sorry, ain't going into details as to why. But we were going back and forth with theat argument, quietly though, as we did not want to wake Yumi up. And, well, in the stillness of the early morning and the calmness of the coming dawn, I felt a...spark. I cannot really explain it, but I found myself drawn into the person who was sitting next to me, and leaning against me, as we pointlessly argued.

And suddenly Yumi wakes up. And I am taken aback.


It was 8am by then. And Yik Mun showed no signs of opening. So decided to forego some childhood reminiscing and head back to good ol' Gombak. I waved goodbye to Yik Mun as we drove off .


And so we drove on back. This time we took the inner roads and passed by homestays, riverside chalets, getaway huts and the like. It looked so beautiful and cozy, and with the window down and the morning breeze blowing in, it felt like a getaway of sorts. Nevermind the fact that I was in yesterday's clothes or that I haven't washed my face or brushed my teeth, it was fine by me. I mean, heh, no one else in the car was any better :P


We passed a little nook in the road that had some stairs leading down to a river. We missed it first time around, but we decided to turn back. We stopped, parked, got out, and made our way down the steps to a beautiful stream. It felt so refreshing to be there in the morning and feel the cool water on your face, and dip your feet in it.

Twisted Natureboy was tempted to just jumpn in with everything on. But the only thing holding him back was the fact that it was Yumi's car and he didn't get it all wet from him clothes :P So he refrained, and he was frustrated that he couldn't jump in. Heck, even I was. But we had to leave without feeling the coolness of the water...


Before we reached campus, we decided to have breakfast. We enjoyed some nice roti canai and only then Yumi sent us back to campus. Having been up all night, I slept the day away, right up until 2 or 3pm or so.

Maj, who was graduating that sem had just cleared out her room, stuffed her car to the brim, checked out, and had nowhere to go til our next lepak session. Yes, after being out all night the night before, we were gonna go lepak again that night. So Maj came to our room and we watched The Good Son while we waited out the others.

As soon as Lina finished her paper, we got ready and headed out again. We had dinner at the same place Yumi, Ash and I had for brekkie, and then we headed to OU to watch a movie. On the way there, when Yumi got me alone, she asked me what happened between Ash and I that morning. I told her that I honestly did not know. She said that it was ok if there were feelings, and whatever it was, she had my back all the way; in spite of the situation then. I felt a little better, because, yeah, I wasn't sure what it was.


I was sitting between Ash and Yumi in the cinema. At one point during the movie, Aaina smsed me to say *Ahem ahem* Don't get too cozy with Ash.

****************************************************************************

9th April 2008

Episode 14

We came back in the morning again. We lepaked at some Arabic restaurant all night playing cards, drinking coffee, eating hummus, while I caught up with some Zs that I've been lacking severely. After that, we made our way to McD Karak, where we had one last lepak before we said goodbye. It was check out day, and we'd be leaving. And Maj, well, she'd be leaving UIA. There were some tearful farewells to Maj, cos it was an end to an era; and she would no longer be just there on campus with us, nor hang out with us at the Square.

We headed back and helped Aaina load her car with her things. We would be moving out of the current room, so she had to bring all her stuff back. And me, well, I still had to pack. Having gone out so much, I haven't the time to get to packing.

When we were done loading the car, we gone back to sleep. Aaina wanted to follow Ash, Yumi and I on our plan to go back to the river and have a swim before I headed back later that same day.

But you see, we all have been out every single night, and so our plans to wake up at 8am and go back to the stream went *poof*... Because myself, who was supposed to call everyone, and Aaina, who is in the same room with me fell asleep right up to 1pm. Yep, we slept the morning away. And we didn't even hear our roomie leave, but she left us a message. And Yumi nor Ash called us. And I was supposedly suppose to go swim in the stream, come back and leave at 1pm.

Yeah right.

It was already 1pm as it was.

So, Aaina had to leave then, cos it was already late. I decided to check out and go out with Ash and Yumi before I left for home. And so I checked out, packed abit and Aaina sent me to Yumi's. Yumi and I then picked Ash up and had a late lunch at a mamak. By then, it was late, and I was having second thoughts about going back that day. I had loads of stuff, and it was late. There will be no space in the train, and I was super tired.

So I called my mom, and I told her I'd only be coming home the next day.


So, what we did was, since Yumi was leaving for Ukraine for the whole of the short semester and we wouldn't see her for about 3 months, and Fidzy have not seen Yumi since she couldn't join us cos of her curfew, we decided that we would drive to TTDI to pay Fidzy a visit.

We had dinner, while Yumi texted me some messages about there must still be dinosaurs in my tummy, and we decided that we should take Fidzy out on one of our all-nighters. So Fidzy grabbed her guitar at home, and took of with us.


There was still one more night of adventure left....

********************************************************************

Yes, I know it's been a year ago. But I swear to God that I remember every detail. I remember how I felt. I remember the feel of the air, the smells, the sounds... It all seems fresh in my mind. And it's because I keep replaying it over and over in my head.

Love,
Linzy

Last Saturday had me waking with a panicky start, thinking that I was late for work. The sun was bright outside my window, and my mind was racing with thoughts of how Juliana must be mad at me for not showing up, my teammates wondering where I was and a product left hanging on its own. But as sense and logic rushed back in, only then I realized that it was Saturday, and I was here in Cyberjaya as I would be meeting up with the BENdits for Anis' baby shower. *slaps forehead* Duh.

So I rolled out of bed, and got to my usual getting-ready routine. It was only about 8.30am, and the baby shower was not til 5pm, but I planned to meet up with Sarah to do a little shopping before we set off to Anis' place. So I went through the normal bathe+tone and moisturize+pants+make-up+top+hair regime and set out.

It felt like a good day, panicky wake up notwithstanding, and I walked out with a spring in my step. It was a Saturday, I was in Cyberjaya, I got to wake up late and I didn't have to go to work. Those were the makings of a good start. Then, the Bangladeshi worker I passed by who mopped the corridors every morning looked up from his work and greeted me 'good morning' with a smile. It made me smile all the more and I greeted him in kind. I have to say that I am a sucker for old fashioned politeness and courtesy; and I miss that among human beings, who are now cold, lonesome robots without a smile to spare. So I salute you, Mr Block C1 Caretaker, for smiling when many wouldn't. Yes, it was a good morning.

I decided to take a cab instead of the bus to the ERL station, cos as I was walking, I saw the bus driving fast past, and it would be another half an hour til the next one came. So, screw it, cab it is. After the incident with the sleazy cabbie, I have been extra extra careful, but I was pleasantly surprised by this cabbie who was pleasant and friendly. On the way, I decided to ask him how much it would cost to go to Midvalley, and having negotiated a reasonable price, I agreed for him to send me straight there.

So I got there, I shopped at MPH while waiting for Sarah, bought loads of stuff, and when Sarah got there, we went to Gardens to get her Stila stuff. I was starving by then, and having been craving for Carl's Jr., I decided to belanje Sarah and have our brunch there. After that, we headed to OU to get more of Sarah's stuff (heheh...lotsa stuff, huh, Sarah?) and stopped by MPH to catch the Poetry Readings held there in conjunction with World Book Day. Managed to meet with Madame Sheena and watch some poets do their stuff. Right after that, Sarah and I immediately met up with Fidzy and Shu and headed to Kota Damansara to get donuts and go to Anis' place.

When we got there, I have to say it was a huge relief to see some familiar faces that I haven't seen in such a long time. These are the friends that made MCIIUM bearable despite being depressing as it was. These are the faces that taught me alot about a friendship that I had yet to discover. These were the people who were very much a family to me. Sadly, Aaina and Zeph couldn't make it cos Aaina had work at the last minute and Zeph had to fly. So, it was just the 6 of us. Let's see if I still remember this: It was Pesky+Kitty+Sleepyhead+Philosopher+Fingerprints+Responsible-Silent-Horny=6 BENdits.

Lemme say this, no matter how long we get separated, we can still laugh like the bunch of 17/18 year olds we were all those years back in Matric. It's been about 6 years since then, and we are still the BENdits who hogged the Lepak Place and shared stories, laughs, food, tears and the like. Heck, we shared a lot back then. We're still the bunch of girls who had nothing in common, but found friendship in spite of our difference in background, lifestyle and mannerisms. We are still the same, but we're not.

What makes the now different from those years long gone is that we're now on a new phase in life. And while we don't share the same situations like we used to when we were all cooped up in the Holy Grounds v.1, we still find ourselves to be kindred in ways. And I find comfort in that.

It was nice sitting around the table and catching up, joking and laughing, and reminiscing on memories. Who'd have thought we'd be see each other through this far? We've had our misunderstandings and arguments and yet, there we were.

And the reason we were there in the first place was to celebrate our very own Anis and Matt, whom are expecting their knight in a month's time. We came bearing gifts to welcome their baby when he is born. Their very first child. And also the first child, shall I say, in our BENdit family. We are going to be aunts. Hehe, I'm going to be Aunty Linzy...

It's amazing to think all those years ago, when we were all just girls who found friendly faces in a sea of unknown people, that we would become the women we are, here and now, as a family of sorts--still.

On last weekend's Saturday, I woke up with a start at around 8.30am thinking I was late for work and panicking like crazy, my heart in my mouth.

Today, I woke up at 8.13am realizing that I was late for work and that Juliana was probably waiting for me at her car wondering where the hell I am.

Yes, it was one of those mornings.

It finally happened now, as an employee. I recall those kinda mornings when I was an undergraduate, but it has yet to happen as a sub-editor. But yeah, it's happened. But unlike my days as a student; I don't have the luxury of just rolling over, taking hold of my bantal and just snooze for the rest of the morning. Nope, I had to drag my lazy ass outta bed and get ready on the double. For sure I would be at least half an hour late.

The unusual thing is, though, that of all days, I found that today I suddenly feel semangat to put on more make up than my usual routine of powder+eyeliner+gloss. So today I had an additional step added, and took the time to put on eye shadow and a smudge of lipstick. Heck, I even parted my hair differently today. But trust me, I'm not throwing habit.

Anyway, as soon as I was done, which was around 8.45am, I called the cab place to get them to send me cab. After grabbing my lunch from the fridge, I got walking to the front of the block to wait for my cab. But time passed, and by 9am, it still wasn't there. I was already late as it is, so I called the cab place again. And after enquiring and them checking, they said "I" already took the cab.

:P

Well, obviously "I" am still here, otherwise "I" wouldn't be calling, would "I"?

*Sigh* So I waited while they sent me another cab, and by the time it came and I arrived at the office, it was about 9.10am. Argh, about 40 minutes late. It's a good thing I don't go out f0r lunch anymore, so I can cover those 40 minutes while I chow down on my weird pasta fusion; which by the way was cooked like this: fettucine fried in olive oil with garlic, asparagus and lettuce; then drizzled with chilli flakes (courtesy of Dominos Pizza) and pepper, and lastly had two spoonfuls of feta cheese mixed in. And in bit, during lunch, I'll sprinkle some of the powder mix from that Vono soup. Yes, I probably will get a sakit perut as it plays merry hell with my tummy, but heh, I think I can take it.

Anyway, I have to get my product, AFB (Australian Fringe Benefits Tax Guide for Employers), done by today. I hope my day doesn't keep on going South.

Later,
Hazlin

Kindling on my memories,
I remember one year ago, to the day, Sayang, at this time...
Sudden impulses had our story begin with; "Once upon a time, we...
Started out with a ..."

One year ago, to the day, Darling, at this time...

...this is where we began.

It started with a tickle.

My malasness reigns true nowadays. Not entirely, but it has gotten me very very sluggish to actually type out an entry on a daily basis. Usually I find myself looking forward to writing something new; lately though, not so much. This can either be attributed to a) my working as a sub editor fills up my quota for words read and/or typed on the monitor screen, b) my mornings, when I usually take the time to write, are now when I switch on the pc to read e-mails from various editors and get to work, or c) I just can't be bothered, especially after a long day or when I happen to go out after work, I don't have any effort left to sit and type.

Whatever the reason, I'm gonna summarise the past few in bullets. Very professional, that way. Yeah right, more like, very malas, that way.

• I am still feeling like a selfish bitch, eventhough a part of me feels like it is called for, for being short tempered with my parents. The weekend actually was a good one, but it went sour just before I came back. I feel like I could have done something different, but I know myself and how at times I run on short, and I get temperamental easily; and therefore do not think before I act. I am menyesaling sangat-sangat; but am also degil. But an apology is due; from me, that is.
  
• Last Friday, I was sexually harassed verbally and by several up-and-down looks by a cab driver. Since I wasn't able to carpool that day, I took the cab but didn't think anything of it when I found the back door locked. So I climbed into the passenger seat instead, but remembered to keep a distance and not be so comfortably close to the cabbie. He just engaged in the usual friendly cabbie chatter, which I politely obliged to. I don't know how the conversation went as I mechanically went through the usual Oh-Cyberjaya-is-an-ok-place-but-little to-do-and-see routine, but it suddenly steered to a part where the cabbie commented in Malay, in a very sleazy manner, that I had a nice body; to which he promptly gave me a slow once over, or make that twice or quadruple. I was afraid that he was gonna put his hand on my thigh or something; and I knew if he did I'd elbow him and we'd be roadkill. I was squirming to get out and thankfully the short drive brought me to my destination. I made sure he stopped at a different block, paid and got out. He went on to say that hopefully we meet again, and to look for his cab again. I just closed the door and half ran. I shoulda taken his plate number down, but I just was too scared to be anywhere in his sight any more. He made my skin crawl. That's the last time I'd take a cab for the timebeing.
• I accidentallly went grocery shopping last night with Juliana. She was the one who wanted groceries, and I just went along for the ride cos I didn't wanna trouble her by sending me back first. Plus, I can teman her. Besides, I did need a bottle of shampoo and conditioner. So I went and bought the things I need. But coming across the cooking oil aisle at Carrefour, we spotted a particular brand of olive oil that was very affordable. It inspired me to get to packing myself home cooked meals for lunch, as I was planning to do earlier when I just started work. So I bought the extra virgin olive oil, some pasta, garlic, some vegetables and shall attempt to cook myself simple pasta dishes. Which, by the way, is pretty ok, if I say so myself. Just made myself pasta with olive oil, crushed garlic, pepper and cuts of cheese and it's filling but light. The olive oil made it really tasty Made some for tomorrow as well.
• Which brings me to my next point; how does one know that an olive is extra virgin? I mean, if it's already virgin, can it be any more virgin than that? This is a rhethorical question, by the way. Don't get smart on me and answer this...I know there are very gatal hands out there, just itching to give me some smart alec answer :P
  
• Oh, guys should not wear overalls. Or also known as playsuits. It's a no-no. Period. I mean, I don't even see 'em plumbers/repairmen/labourers wearing them anymore. And it is so 80s/90s. That guy I saw in Alamanda with his blue jeans overalls and classic white tee underneath is like a sudden blast from a should-not-be-repeated past. The look is so not flattering, dude.
• I was doing my normal nightly blogshopping and was in the mood for pre-owned stuff rather than looking at them brand new ones. Sometimes you get really good bargains on things that some people buy to wear once for an occasion or they buy and find that they don't fit, or don't like it no more... So I love browsing through what they call 'Preloved Shops'. One shop had everything. She was selling off the normal, like blouses, dresses, tees, skirts and the like, and she also had jewellery and even some old books and magazines. And in the midst of all that, she was selling a dildo. Yes, a dildo. Just a solitary one. Not a stock that she has and wants to sell, but just the one. In a pre-owned items shop. WTF? What? She used it on herself and decided it didn't give her the jollies and now she's looking for a new owner for it??! Hell no. What is the woman thinking? Total ewwwww-ness ok?
• Commenting on Yanna's entry on Tori's up and coming album Abnormally Attracted to Sin got me psyched and I looked her up on Wiki just to read the latest scoop. It's been so long since I've caught up with the music world that I didn't know that some people collaborated with Tori had published a comic book interpretation of some of her songs last year. It's effing beautiful; and I am itching to get it. It retails for about RM255 in Kinokuniya, and it's hardcover (Sarah checked it out for me) and I am so getting my hands on it. It's called Comic Book Tattoo and the illustrations on the cover is beautiful...and eventhough I don't know how it looks like inside, the idea of interpreting Tori's songs, in pictures and words and stories at that, is definitely something to own. Her lyrics tell and million and one stories, and I want to read/see some of them.
• I'm finding that I am loving my team more and more. They are friendly, helpful and very nice bunch of people and I feel glad and honoured to be working for and with them. Team Australia B - Tax & Accounting rocks! :P Oh, and the ayam susu we had for our team lunch this afternoon was yummy!
  
• My dad sold off my blue Kenari, by the way. Without consulting anyone. Tau-tau he told me it's gone. Pastu menyesal, but consoled himself that a brand new one is better. Which, he too, bought without consulting anyone. So now I am bound to own a silver Viva, when I honestly woulda preferred the the Kenari cos I will feel much better with a second hand one. At least I won't feel so pressured...but hey, beggars can't be choosers.
• Again, I am missing my friends... I need that human connection again with people I know and love. It's been way long since we had a good lepak. Next next weekend, hopefully.
  
• Ultimately, I abso-effing-lutely can't wait for this weekend. I am so giddy that I can hardly focus at work. Macam terlebih gula. And I couldn't stop smiling. And blushing. And giggling. Cos I'll be seeing my Sayang this weekend, after not seeing him for about 7-8 weeks now. My heart is fluttery and I have a skip to my stride. I feel like I have a smile plastered on me and I can't shake it off, even though I know I look scary. Because I am honest to God happy, and it's been a while. And I cannot wait to get his brand of comfort again, after my past weeks being so...painful. Looking forward to the weekend, Sayang. Hopefully all goes smooth.

Anyway, my quickie became a not-so quickie. But at least it got alot of things off my chest. Phew!

Love,
Linzy

I've been malas again. I haven't been much in the mood lately to spin out words to tell my stories. I've been more involved in being uninvolved. Just keeping to myself. Because there is no one else but myself. And that is my triumph and my downfall.

Anyway, I digress. I'm here to recount the year that passed.

*******************************************************************

31st March 2008

Episode 9

I woke up again much later, just before midday, after waking up early in the morning to have a shower. Lina was still asleep, and I wasn't sure of what to do. I wandered abit in the room, til I heard Yumi coming out of her room, so I came out, too.

We chatted a while in her room about things we talked about last night and I checked my e-mails abit, while waiting for Lina to wake up. And when she did, and after she showered, we decided that we should go out for breakfast, or better known as lunch by then. Or tea, even. Since Ash would have finished his paper by then, we called him up, picked him up; and we had lunch at a Malay restaurant somewhere.

On the way back, and I don't recall how, but we suddenly had the inspiration to go have a swim in the river. By that time, to go to Ulu Yam was a little late, and a quite a drive at that. So we decided to go to Sungai Pusu which is just behind campus. So we did. Yumi stopped for 5 minutes at each of our mahallahs for us to get our gear, and then we went.

It was fun, after waking up late, starting the day off in the afternoon and with the need to just refresh; to just frolic in the cool stream. And the fact that I grew up going to that place, camping with family and all, brought back lotsa memories.


*******************************************************************************

1st April 2009

Episode 10

It was a fun semester together and it was coming to a close. Two of our ranks were leaving us (Maj and Stitch) and we knew this camaraderie will not be something that we could achieve again. Hence, much merriment and celebration was called for, to mark the end of a semester and a Twisties' celebration.

So we all (Aaina, Ash, Lina, Maj, Raqib, Sharina, Stitch and I) trooped to Yumi's one evening to have a makan-makan. We ordered Dominos pizzas and made kuih batik and ate our fill of food galore. We bought chips and drinks and all sorts of nonsense and got high on sugar and fun. It was a good feeling.

Which of course, escalated to a round of impromptu round of a hybrid between spin the bottle and truth or dare. Now, I'm not gonna dish out the juicy details of the beans spilled that night--which, by the way, I happened to be the first on the chopping block with a truth question by Lina--or who got to kiss who (and yes, I was a kisser and a kissee--cheeks only, though!); but let me tell you, it was hysterical. There were weird, awkward and eye-popping questions, and there were dares, and lots of kisses going on. A scenario that you wouldn't get to see otherwise. Bloody priceless. There were scenes that I relive again and again and they just make me laugh like crazy.

It was soon coming close to 12am and some of us needed to go off. Yumi had a house to clean, Maj and Sharina had to go, Stitch had to head home and the rest of us (Aaina, Ash, Lina, Raqib and me) had the whole night. So what else? We headed out.


***************************************************************************

2nd April 2008

Episode 11

So we headed out. First stop, Bangsar. We went to a mamak to have a round of teh tarik and the like while playing our favourite game to pass the time, Uno. But while we were going around having our normal laughs while at it, the mamaks at the mamak told us to keep the cards, even if we were playing Uno or Bluff, and not gambling. Fed up at not being able to play, we moved out. Circled around looking for another mamak and ended up in Hartamas. There we had no problem.

We were there til about 5am just playing cards, getting high on sugary drinks and lack of sleep, til one point I was singing to myself and everyone chimed in as well. We were like a mini-chorus group at a mamak playing cards. Weird sight, it was. But we were having fun, and we were happy and no one kacaued us. Except, of course, for that time when I rat runned under our table and Aaina jumped and shrieked.


Finally, we left Hartamas and for a short while, drove around Bukit Tunku. It was just for the heck of it, and we left soon after. And headed to another normal lepak place for us; McDonald's Karak.

We were there for abit, just to wind down and prep ourselves to getting back to campus. We were a little toned down, still high from not sleeping, but more quiet. We had early breakfast and were just joking around. And I, of course, being fidgety at my hands being idle, took out my swiss army knife and started carving a hole out of Raqib's Big Breakfast box. The outcome that you get from a bunch of high bunch of Twisties and an quirky object is pretty much apparent below:


We left for campus, while Raqib headed back, right after it was the time when we could get into campus.

*************************************************************************

At this point of time, the wheels were already turning. To the questions and the accusations and suspicions. I never felt a thing, other than wondering what is triggering the sudden bombarding of bullet-like interrogations. But it made me question myself, is there really? If people are asking so...? Only time will tell. But as Aaina say often, I was in denial. Was I? Or was it just that I didn't realize it yet?

Love,
Linzy the Twisted Redface