Sup3rnality

It's been a little quiet here, because, it's been a little quiet in my head. Just a little, of course, those whispering ghosts never do cease their haunting, but save for that, a somewhat calm has taken over me.

I find that calmness renders me uncreative, and words don't come as freely as when emotions come rushing to the fore. They stay dormant, waiting at the edge of my conciousness when I am but a still figure in the middle of an empty room.

I've moved house in early May. It's a much bigger, more comfortable...it makes me feel like I have a much wider space for my thoughts to float in. I feel small in my room, lying in the middle of it with a book tucked in my hands and pillows against my back and cushioning my head. The house is somewhat expensive, yes; a worry that is at the back of my mind. But for the moment, I do not want this worry to mar the peaceful surface of my calm.

In my quietness, I've been feeling content. Put aside all the worries and the troubling outside my door, and I am in a little piece of solace. A part where no one can hurt me. Like I say so many times and never tire of saying, I have a wonderful family who loves me in spite of it all, who is always there for me. A significant other who tirelessly stands by my side, loving and giving, and is my rock who keeps me grounded. And I have friends whom, despite the length and breadth of our separation, care for me.

Life is always good if you take the time to find the things that make you happy. Sometimes you have to close your eyes for a while, and let them sink down into the depths of the recesses of your mind and let them be forgotten. Instead, hang on to the floating lifelines at the surface. Quietly but surely, you'll reach the shore.

Things can get a little crazy here in Linzy Land. Cash is always an issue thanks to finicky housemates, hefty TNB bills that only makes an appearance after two months with warning letter about paying bills on time (Hello? How about giving me the bill on time?), car problems that need repairing, much needed car petrol, and stupid Maxis bills that don't make sense.

Things are quite hectic as well, taking as many OTs (meaning that I finish at 2am) as I can, and doing freelance proofreading. These two I'm not complaining about, because the extra cash helps me stay afloat. But it does sap energy off of me.

Some days I wake up late and in a daze, feeling guilty of having missed the morning. It's hard to take that first step out of bed and out of the room and out of the house after working all night. My inactivity has further led me to put on more weight which makes me furious at myself.

Oddly though, life is good. Yeah, the crappy parts are, well, crap, but overall, it's been good. I enjoy my work, it finally feels fulfilling and I see a future in where I am. I think I can go far working here. I think I can give more to my family now, because my constant depression (when I was at my old company) has faded away and I can be a better person for them. And eventhough I don't see them as often, but the distance has made me feel all the more thankful of what I have.

The anticipation of going home to see my family makes me so excited that I feel like I need to buy gifts for everybody each time I go home. Making stops here and there to pick up a book for my sister, some Popeye's fried chicken for my brother, some home decor stuff for my mom and something my dad would like if I find any (he's a tough person to buy for :p). And when I get home, an almost audible sigh of relief escapes me. 

Living in PJ also means I get to see friends more often. Well, not that often, but with  my no longer being so far away in Cyberjaya, it's easier to plan for meetups with friends. And my colleagues are great friends, too. It's important, you know, to love the people you work with. Otherwise work will be only partly fulfilling, and you'd feel an emptiness when going to work everyday.

Asdil, of course, fills in the gaps, being all that I need. We don't see each other as often now, with my working at night and on weekends, too, and with him having classes all the way in Cheras every weekday til late. But I think that makes us stronger as a couple, and makes us grow better with each step, and hopefully prepares us better for our future.

I like the days when I have the day off, and we don't feel like going out for dinner. He'd come over and we'd cook dinner ourselves, and he'd cook up one of his mystery dishes. Then we'd have dinner while watching a comedy. It's simple, homey, and better than any fancy dinner we can ever have.

Yes, life is good. It seems like that is all I've been saying these past few entries (as far in between as they are), but that's the basic fact. Trying to make ends meet, living on your own and scraping through the month makes you go crazy, but in the end it is all worth it.

Because the bottom line is, you know that nothing in life comes for free. You have to work to get what you want, and that includes going through the hard times. I always keep in mind that Allah SWT gives to those who puts in the effort to work to reach their goals. And that keeps me going. One day, this will all pay off.

One day I will repay my parents for all they have given to me. I will make sure my little brother and sister will have a good role model and grow up to be good people. I will see that I will be there for my friends when they need someone to be their friend. One day, God willing, Asdil and I will be together for keeps and keep on being each others' shoulder to lean on.

Love,
Linzy

....then I'd be living in bloody peace.

I haven't been in the right frame of mind to talk about the things that have been happening for the past few weeks. Everytime I begin to attempt typing out my thoughts, I am stunted by my inability to write and/or put them into words. So here's what I've been doing these past few weeks

• I left WKESP officially on the 29th of April 2010. More specifically, I left Aust-B. I had a very very long cry, not being able to believe I won't be walking into that office again and see them each day. They gave me hugs, which made me cry harder and they all had a procession for me, walking me to the door, for one last time. Leaving them feels like letting go of family. But the best thing about family is that, they're always there for you. I'm halting any entries about leabving WK at the moment until I can sort out my thoughts and feelings.
• I moved out of Cyberjaya on the 30th of April. Ash did most of the job. I packed everything up and he loaded it into the van we borrowed from my uncle. Then we drove to PJ and he unloaded the van for me. I couldn't have done it without him (thanks Sayang). And of course, thanks to my family, too. Who helped me carry the second round of stuff. Yes, I have that much stuff...mostly books and clothes.  
• Starting on May 3rd, I am now an employee of the Star. To be specific, a sub-editor for the Star. The Star newspaper that I've been reading daily. Feels almost like a dream. It's different here, but I like it. Work-wise, I do feel very much more accomplished than how I felt in WK.
• I'm now living in PJ. Around the Tropicana area to be more precise. No, not next to Tropicana City Mall like people keep asking. It's near the Tropicana Golf Resort. The condo is called Bayu Puteri Tropicana. It's quite a nice place. House is a bit of a fixer-upper due to an irresponsible landlord, but I'll manage.
• Did I mention my working hours are from 4pm to 12am daily? Uhh, yeah, I start work at 4pm and leave for home around 12am. Wonderful hours for me, cos that's when I work best. And it's not like I have a nightlife anyway, so it's no problem for me. I get to see Ash in the daytime and spend more waking hours with him especially since now I live about 15 minutes away from him and not 50 minutes like when I was in Cyberjaya.
• I'm still getting used to my new area, new job, new schedule, new house...alot of things are still on my mind. But all in all, I'm feeling content right now; like things are falling into place, just need a few things sorted before they can fit even better.

Everything is official now.

I've tendered my resignation with WKESP on the 1st of April. And no, it was no April Fools' joke. This must have been one of the most difficult things I've ever done...I'll miss my teammates terribly.

I've signed the contract wit Star. I shall commence employment on May 3rd. I shall be a sub-editor for the daily newspaper, editing from 4pm to 12am, 5 days a week.

I'm looking for an apartment in the PJ area...something much more affordable from the place I am now, since I'm taking a hefty paycut (but the upside is better benefits). I've found a place, and that is tentatively the place I'll be taking up.

I feel anxious and scared, also unsure of whether this is the best decision. But after a long talk with my Team Leader, Arvind, I think this is for the best. And I no longer feel so heavy with uncertainty and guilt.

But I feel lighter, relieved. And looking forward to better things and opportunities.

Everything is bearing pretty heavy in my mind at the moment, and I cannot find the words to really put this heart to rest. But for now, this will do.

So, wish me luck.

Love,
Linzy

Tomorrow is moving day.

Or rather, later today, seeing how it's already 1am as I type this.

I'm glad and I'm thankful to be out of that hellhole of a house with those two rude, money-faced, irresponsible and immature Indomees. However, I feel very bad about the girls who took over my place, the girls that ensured my being able to move out. They have now become unwilling scapegoats for my escape. My gain became their loss; and now the Indomees are harassing them, forcing them to pay for things they didn't use; after all, they've only lived there a week.

I feel bad and glad; and those two are not sure-fire recipes for the jollies. Conscience is getting in the way of relief, but as far as I am concerned, my work here is done. It's their turn to face the evil Indomees. But knowing me and my constant worrying, I cannot sit still knowing these girls are in turmoil. They're being harassed because of me, because of my not wanting to give in to the demands of that horrid and rude and insensitive Indomee, Anna. And it's totally not their fault. I stuck them with the problems I previously faced, which was in a way my intention, because I know that Indomee will never see reason. But after getting to know those girls and after how nice they've been, the heart gets in the way.

*sigh*

We'll see how this works out in time. It's tiring and it's unnecessary stress. But this is a cross that I have unknowingly let drop onto my shoulders, so I shall carry it as far as I can.

Love,
Linzy

The week has been exhausting.

I'm homeless.

I'm overworked.

I'm hungry.

I'm lonely.

I would love a break.

But I am glad for one thing, and that is being out of the house with those two Indomee (term coined by Sarah) girls. I no longer live there. I can say sayonara b*tches and never see them ever again. I couldn't take their crap and their astoundingly overpriced bills any longer. I just got meself replacements, and found myself a new place away from them. Too bad I had to con three girls into taking up rent with those Indomees, but for sanity's sake, I'd have to turn the other cheek.

But then, the head b*tch of the duo have been annoyingly rude to me which ruined my mood a few days back; but my solace is that they can't really track me down. Not really anyway. So I hope they would get the hell outta my life and leave me alone. After their extortion, their causing my laptop to get stolen, their using up my things, their rudeness, their ruining my car seat and other offences, I will not be taking any more.

So that's one relief. The only catch is that, I had to move out on the 23rd and I could only move in to my new place on the 1st of November. That means that, for one week, I will be homeless. And I will have to live in Seremban. And I would have to travel back and forth every morning and evening; which burns a hole in my wallet cos of petrol and toll, not to mention it wears me out like crazy and I'm out like a light by 10.30pm. Then up I get at 5.30am and am out the door at 6.30am and I get to work around 7.30am. I leave at about 7.30pm and reach home around 8-9pm. I eat and then I sleep and the cycle begins again. It's only been 4 days and I'm already worn out.

On top of that, it's been a busy week. Fun Inc organized a 3-day Diwali celebration which involves dressing up, henna tattoos, palm reading, Bhangra dancing and eating. I've barely had time to do my work and my work is piling up like crazy. I haven't been going out for lunch and I've been very hungry. I haven't had enough sleep. And most of all, I miss my Asdil like crazy.

If there is one person who could make everything else feel weightless, it's him. And I miss him so terribly much. I can't wait to see him when everything resumes as the usual.

So for now, I'm trying to be patient. And I'm looking forward to another new beginning in a new place. So I'll endure this exhaustion and wait til I could breathe again.

Love,
Linzy

Alrighty, then. Here's another thing that I've been wanting to type out for some time.

My laptop was stolen. Well, not exactly mine. It's my brother's; which doesn't make the situation any better since now I have to buy two: one for myself and one for my brother to replace the one that got stolen.

Well, anyway. After having dinner with Ash at our favourite Arabic restaurant, I returned home to watch some dvds that I borrowed from Carol. It was then I realized that my laptop was not at it's place. My heart hammered like crazy against the wall of my chest. And as realization hit, my heart sank. It was not misplaced, nor could it be outside. My laptop is always in that one place, and I've never taken it into the living room ever. If it's not there then...

Yes, no doubt about it. From the moment that I found my laptop not where I left it, and it was not in the surrounding area, I knew for sure that it was gone. And sure enough, upon investigating, someone crept in through the ventilation window of my bathroom. See, I have the master bedroom which has its own bathroom. The bathroom has this huge ventilation window which opens to the laundry room. So anyone in the house can pretty much get into my room provided that they can open up the ventilation window. So when I had a look, there was a chair propped against the wall to climb up into the window, into my bathroom and into my room. And voila, no more laptop.

I was down. I felt like I was grabbed and thrown into the deep end, leaving me cold and drowning. I could not explain how horrible I felt, and how stupid and just angry at myself. Ash holding me provided me comfort, but the voices in my head kept blaming myself over and over. I know I can't possibly blame myself, but I couldn't help asking what-ifs over and over.

My parents came and we reported to the police. The biggest suspects were of course my housemates; especially seeing how there was no sign of a break-in, and that it was most likely an inside job. I dunno though. I wanna say it's them, especially since I had been arguing with one of them about the extremely expensive monthly bills (what should usually be just slightly less than RM50 in other places became RM158) just the day before. So if there was a motif, that could be it; their dissatisfaction with my not wanting to pay and then stealing my laptop as compensation. Also, one of them always have a bunch of guys over, and the police were saying that a couple of guys could have easily climbed in and swiped it. It wouldn't be a surprise... But was it my housemates and their cronies? Or was it someone who sneaked in somehow? Especially since my housemates are so careless as to always forgetting to lock door or stuff like that. I dunno... Personally, I wanna say that it was my housemates, my housemates and their friends, or just their friends...but that would be bad of me. But I dunno. When I called them to tell them of what happened, they didn't bother to come back, nor did any of them ask if their rooms were affected... It was as though they knew that it would only be me who would be in that crap.

The police weren't of much help as expected. They aren't gonna bother to take samples of the many fingerprints on the dusty window or at least take the initiative to question my housemates. They just questioned one of them and went through her things... but they didn't ask the other girl in whom my biggest suspicion lay. All they said in the end was that I should move out. And that was it.

*sigh*

There's nothing I can do now, of course. It's gone. And I am in a bloody huge debt. Not to mention that I am petrified of what can happen with the photos in there. I mean, I love taking photos, and pictures can easily be doctored or what not... It's been almost a month since, but I still am scared of all that.

Anyway, I don't feel like talking about this any more. It's starting to make me feel upset. I'll think of happier things to write soon. Bye.

Love,
Linzy

Alright, rant time. I haven't done this in a while, so allow me my luxury.

I effing hate my housemates. No doubt about it. I hate hating people. And I always give people the benefit of a doubt whenever I get angered my something they do. But these housemates of mine keep reaping them benefits and never give anything back. Not that I want any, but I expect to be treated just as fair.

First of all, there was that time when we all first moved in back in June. Having just known one another and all, the three of us (there's me and 2 girls from the country that begins with 'I' and ends with 'ndonesia' who are students in MMU) decided we should go out and buy groceries together for the house so we all get what we want and we all can bond or something. What miffed me the first time was when they all decided on Monday. So Monday at 8pm, I got ready and waited for them to come home so we could go. But no, they didn't turn up, and nobody called right until almost 2 hours later. I let it slide thinking it was a genuine mistake. So we planned to go the next day.

The next day, just before I left, I discovered that something I had placed outside as it did not fit my room was missing. Later they told me they lent it to their friend. Okaaayyyy...wtf? It's not yours and you lend it to a friend whom the owner does not know? That's just plain dumb. I would expect it from a 6 year old, but not from those who are in their 20s. Then my disassembled shoerack which I wanted to put in my room magically assembled itself and was put outside and had shoes piled upon it with only one slot for shoes left. You'd think that knowing the rack belongs to someone else you'd not take the liberty to just assemble it and use it? And not just use it, but take up all the space, which would probably have fitted 15 pairs, and leave just one for me?

It doesn't end there. So we went out to grocery shop. We bought what we needed. On the way back, the girl sitting in the backseat kept asking for tissue. I didn't think anything then. Then we decided to stop and have dinner. When we got to a restaurant and sat down, the two girls started conversing in their dialect and stole glances at me. I didn't think anything of it. That is, until tomorrow afternoon, when I was about to get into the car after leaving the office. I was assaulted by an unpleasant smell and upon investigating, I found that the backseat was covered by some weird-looking substance that had dried up and was sticking to the seat. It was all over. Even on the car door. And there were bits of tissues which were left there where she had wiped. I was fuming. I straightaway went to get my car cleaned and texted her about it. She ignored it. She didn't even apologize or acknowledge it. And after that, whenever I was around, she never left the room. Or as soon as I entered my room, I hear her come out. Stupid *****.

And now this. Alot of the everyday necessities are mine. Cos I buy mine and use mine. I don't like using what belongs to others unless it is expressly mentioned that I can use them. And even then I'd rather buy my own cos I would feel uncomfortable using something that isn't mine. But these girls seem to think that what's mine is theirs and what's theirs is theirs. I love doing laundry, and yesterday I found that my detergent and softener which was substantially full just the other day to be finished. Zero. Zip. Zilch. I mean, what the heck? If you finish it, don't you have the decency to buy a new one? What do I look like, a banker?

And also, I found that my bucket that I wash my precious lingerie in was defiled when one of them decided to use it to put paint in so that she could repaint her room. What the fricking hell man. And today, the other girl is using it to stuff paper mache'-like thingies for her art project. I wouldn't have minded if it was used for a cleaner purpose... but this is for dirty stuff. And why couldn't they even ask permission...? Why is it so hard?

Don't think that I'm being a petty princess who doesn't like to share. I love sharing. I do not like hoarding things knowing that it could help others. But if I were in their shoes, I would use my common sense. I would not use something belonging to others without permission, especially if my purpose for it would involve dirtying it and maybe upsetting the owner. If I dirtied or spoiled something not belonging to me, I would take the initiative to clean or replace it and profusely apologize. And I will definitely not use something until it finishes if that thing belong to someone. So you see what I mean?

This people have a problem with their brain not functioning. This is common sense. This is something we should know by instinct... But I guess these girls just don't have it. It would be too mean to say it is a trait from where they come from, but I've met other people from there and they are not stupid like these two. I tire of this stupidity... I can't wait to find a new apartment and move out.

Linzy~

I would very much like to begin this entry by explaining my long absence... But I think now is not the time; suffice to say my silence was due to weeks of much contentment that any other release I might find (in this case, writing) would prove to be incomparable.

So for now, let's overlook the fact that I have been away for a month now, and pretend that I have been writing here as I always have.

Since Thursday night last til today, I have been suffering from a torturous fever. I know that I was in much pain when it obliterates all other past memory of pain that I might have felt before. It has been unbearable. It left half-delirious for most parts, dazed and confused, and put my temperature on a see-saw. For most of those days, I felt like my brain was being boiled from the inside out. I was so hot on the inside that no bathing or drinking could assuage the fire. And no matter how much I drank, my mouth was dry and my lips were parched. And the headache was a test to my ability to hold on to my sanity.

In one week, I met with 6 doctors, been to 3 clinics and 2 hospitals, and had numerous needles jabbed into me whether for drips, blood-taking, or to administer medicine. And after it all, they still cannot give me an answer on what I have.

I have been whacked back and forth like a rubber ball by doctors who do not know what to do with me. Clinics refer me to other clinics, and then finally one clinic refers me to a private, specialist hospital. Said specialist hospital tested me for dengue and it came back negative, so they got scared and referred me to the GH cos they are not equipped to test for H1N1. The fact that I was in Melaka last weekend made them even all the more eager to get me out of their hospital, since Melaka is the worst-hit state with H1N1 cases. I go to the GH's emergency unit and the doctor doesn't even bother to do a blood test or a throat swab and "magically" comes up with the diagnosis that I have viral fever.

And I am left in the cold wondering, "WTF?"

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that the doctor did not say I have Influenza A/H1N1. But how does he know really? He didn't follow the procedure I hoped he would. So who's to know if his diagnosis was correct? I could be a walking timebomb for all I know.

Believe me, I am scared. I am alone in my room in Cyberjaya, scared to go to work, and feeling damn scared that if I'm another misdiagnosis horror story, I would be just another number in the statistics. I'm scared.

I'm scared because I am not confident of that doctor's abilities and that he might dismissed me too fast. I'm scared because many of my symptoms could pass off for that. And while the symptoms are pretty much the same as a normal fever...I don't wanna be too safe. The death toll is rising, even among healthy young people. I've read about the complications that happen mostly in the younger generation and how their bodies just shut down. And this scares me even more.

So now I sit here and am contemplating driving myself to the hospital in Putrajaya. I'm scared to go, cos I'm afraid I might not be able to drive myself in the best sense of judgment...but, I dunno...

I want Ash to be here so desperately.

Scared,
Linzy

• Once the kitchen at my place is in order, please experiment with at least one dish per week to hone them cooking skills.
• Please start saving more money. Now that I have to pay for my car on top of rent, bills, car park and other miscellaneous things, I am starting to feel the pinch. Food in Cyberjaya is expensive, so stop splurging. And you have to pay for petrol to get around and tolls, too.
• Eat better food at a set time. My eating habits are erratic and have caused my body to go haywire.
• Talk to your housemates about locking the door and grill at all times.
• Buy some furnishings for the room to organize it better.
• Hunt down the dude, Aizad, and shoot him dead.

Love,

Linzy

I’ve been… I don’t want to say. Saying the words, or typing them for that matter, gives it life. Makes it real enough to jump out of the screen and consumes me whole. It commits my colourful life to the black and white of these words against the background. But unspoken or not, there’s no muting the echoing vacancies of unspent time.

I’ve been…lonely. There, I’ve said it. I didn’t want to. Words like that bounces off the walls when there’s no one in the room but you. And no pillow over ears could drown out the sound. I didn’t want to say it. Too proud to profess weakness. Too afraid to make it known. Too tired to make it any more the truth. But I have been, and I can’t shake it off.

I’ve found driving around aimlessly to be a companion. With music blasting to retain my focus, and sudden bursts of speed for a little rush, for a little sense of urgency. I stride about in shopping malls and browse shops just to do something than nothing at all. Staying at home and behind close doors only magnifies the emptiness of my room. So I walk out. I do what I can to occupy the long gaps of time ticking by. Otherwise all I hear is the loud crashings of the seconds-hand announcing the passing of moments gone by.

Friends that I could talk to are too far away. And I often wonder whether we’ve gotten out of touch. I know that we haven’t; cos when we meet we all fall into familiarity; but a lingering doubt reigns, having me dwelling on questions and wonderings. And even if I could see them, I’m not about to pull them into my sense of displacement. Nah, I can’t. Meeting with good friends who are far away is to be made a celebration. And the friends that I have close by, the ones I can easily see everyday, well, don’t live in the same book. Let alone be on the same page. They don’t know me, or think they know me to pass words that don’t belong to them for them to say.

Everyday I’ve been tempted to drive to see Ash. So many times. But time doesn’t permit. Traffic jams and the looming nighttime will only frustrate me more. I’d only have an hour or two, and then I’d have to go again. And times like this, that’s something that I can’t take. I need days. Hours will only find me lonelier, knowing that I’d have to let him go, and not being able to. I’m just counting until I could have days and days of quality time with my Sayang, and for the moment, I do not know when that is.

I’m lonely. I feel like I’m standing amongst people but cannot connect. I need to feel. I need to not feel lonely.

~Linzy

The past few days have been very demotivating for me; so many things have been clouding my mind that I've been very detached, very distant from everything around me. I haven't had the strength to goof and joke and couldn't find the funny in anything. I need a break.

Times like these, the best remedy is not sit in the office wrapped up in jackets with nothing to do. Nah, this sorta feeling calls for lazy days at home curled up in my most comfortable casuals and burrowing under blankets on a nice fluffy couch watching movie after movie. The bonus would be having Ash with me keeping me company as I revive myself from all sense of anger and uselessness.

I wish I was anywhere but here.

No, wait. Not anywhere. I want to be at home.

Not my home in Cyber, cos it doesn't have the things I'm imagining, and I have a very different setting in mind.

Right now, I'm thinking, I wanna be at home in nothing but shorts and a tank top, and not in full on clothing in my freezing office. I wanna be cooking up some pasta and enjoying the making of it. I'm thinking, fettucine carbonara, cos I know Ash loves it. The recipe's pretty easy and the ingredients are attainable, and but of course, it's super yummy. I'd dump them into two plates and we'd pig out on the couch watching movies, without a care. Enjoying a plateful of creamy sinfulness watching a movie with my Sayang by my side; priceless. Oh oh, wait, not to forget some nice blankets to wrap around myself to keep warm, since I always feel cold no matter the time of day. I wanna be all snug as a bug within the softness of the blankets. But wait, come to think of it, I don't want a couch. Instead, I want a cozy daybed with more cuddling space for myself and my Sayang. I want to be able to just lounge about lazily without caring about the time of day and whatever work that might need to get done. I want to recline into a daybedful of pillows in front on the tv, wrapped in blankets with my Sayang right next to me... *sigh* Heavenly. I just know that I have to have a daybed in my house one day. A must have in the tv area. Something like the ones in the pictures. It'll be perfect; it's not exactly a bed but not exactly a couch either. Meaning, it'll have the same cozyness of a couch, but will be single-bed-sized. Now movie-watching would not mean just sitting up stiffly; on a daybed I can lie down, lean back, prop my feet up or fold it under me, or roll around. Much much more fun ;p And to make it even more fun, would be having a bowl of ice cream to share with my Sayang. That would complete it all. The cherry on top, eventhough Ash doesn't like cherries :p. Sinfully good food+cozy daybed+blankets+casual clothes+ice cream. But then again, the ice cream is not what completes the ensemble. It's having my Sayang close, whom I only have to myself one or two days out of a month. Having him next to me, doing something as simple as watching a movie at home, is more than I could ask for.

So yeah, that's where I'd rather be. And who I'd rather be with. I'd choose being with my Sayang over being at work any time of day. That is, if I could be anywhere but here.

Love,

N.e-Q

This is going to be a quickie.

I've been quiet for a while. That's mostly because:

• I've been busy moving to my new place
• I have moved in and kemasing my new place.
• My new place doesn't have internet access.
• I have so many products to juggle that I can't even blog at work.
• The firewall is back up at the office and cannot surf some sites, ie Facebook
• I've been moving about that I've hardly had the time to properly catch up with anything.

Once again I find myself in this rut of a situation:

Apartment hunting.

Apartment hunting in Cyberjaya is a pain.

The operative word here is “Cyberjaya”.

Why? Because of these following factors:

• It is mighty expensive. One room, even a single or middle room, depending on whether or not it is furnished, can reach to about RM500. And I'm only talking about the standard furnishings. Some supposedly fancy ones can go up to RM600+. And myself here, am looking for a master bedroom, which could be between Rm450 to Rm900. Crazy right? Even at it's cheapest, around RM450 (that is if you're very very lucky and grab it fast before anyone does), it's enough to pay the rent for an entire flat, or a cheap terrace house anywhere else. It's outrageous, the price. And we are talking about just one room here.
• Most apartments have mixed gender housemates. Liberal as I am, I am not partial to having male housemates. A little hypocrite, yes, but living in a house with a guy stranger means not being able to come out of my room without enough coverage. And for people who don't know me, that pretty much means covering up. I may be liberal, but I am not comfortable with dressing only partially in the presence of males. And then, not to mention how dangerous it iss to have an unknown male living under the same roof. Not that I do not have faith in the goodness of the human race, it's just that they do not have my complete faith. I don't want to be caught up in a situation whereby something happens to me whilst alone in a house with a guy, and then I can't say much because not only is it wrong to live with a guy like that, but it will be considered by people to be asking for trouble... so, best not take the risk. Although, at this point of desperation, I can hardly care anymore. But my parents oppose the idea, so, all the more reasons not to. Ash, though, prefers the idea of having a guy in the house for the sake of safety. I agree, but then, like I said, my parents won't allow it, and I'd hate having to feel uncomfortable in my 0wn house.
• The race factor. Yes, I'm speaking of difference in ethnicity and nationality. Not to be racist and whatnot, but, first of all, most of the people who post up room-for-rent adverts, state a preference of race, thus minimizing my options. Also, foreigners tend to ask for more, with their asking price for rent from around RM700 to RM800. And cultural/religious differences also come to play. Most foreigners here are fond of parties and alcohol; thus making them an unlikely candidate for housemate-dom. Especially if said parties and alcoholic beverages are had within the premises of the home. Locals, on the other hand, and the Chinese in particular, aren't very comfortable with races outside their own sharing a house. I've been turned down many times by those who wanted Chinese housemates only. Which reminds me, if they only want Chinese housemates, they should not write "Preferably Chinese" in their ads. It's misleading as it gives off that hope that yes, the would prefer a Chinese, but otherwise, any other race would be fine. If they didn't want any other race living with them, what they shoulda stated was "Looking for Chinese housemates only". Grrr... And then, there are the Malays. My own kin, to put it one way, eventhough I don't really care much for the race you are. When it comes to Malays, I am ever-wary of living with them, and would prefer to meet them if beforehand, before making the decision of moving in with them. I dread them busy-body types who barge in on your business. I am a relatively sociable person, but I like my space as well. And my space is mine, so don't come walking in uninvited.

So yeah, those are where the pain lies. Other than the usual requirements, ie peaceful and quiet housemates and them minding their own business, the factors above are what that is making it so hard to find a place. Minus all that, especially the gender and race factor, finding a house is pretty much a snap. But no, they hinder my getting a place...and thus, I am stuck in this rut.

And the worse thing is, my landlady who says she wants to take over the house sometime mid-year, has yet to confirm exactly when this will be. It puts us all in a tough situation not knowing when we need to get out. Especially since I'd rather stay than go... I don't mind paying the hefty rental, provided that I don't have to move out for the next few. Sheesh. This woman sure is inconsiderate. I mean, she has to give us a month's notice at least, and she has yet to do this. So if she expects to move-in in June without letting us know, she's in for a world of trouble.

In a rut I am.

Love,

Linzy~

Surprise, surprise.

I, for the first time in the history of Hazlin, drove to work. And yes, alone. I did it all by my lonesome; and I didn't even have to push off at 7am to get there at 8am like Ash said :p

Alhamdulillah, I arrived safely without any incident or fuss. And I hope it stays that way now and always. Yay! I'm so proud of meself.

Maybe it's no big deal to another person, but I last drove many many years ago. Starting to drive again these past months was pretty much like starting from scratch. I had to really brush up on everything, which to be honest, seemed to be like nothing; meaning that, it's not I had anything to brush to begin with. And I haven't been on big roads...so this morning I pretty much felt nervous as I was about to turn the corner into the main road.

I couldn't even sleep last night. I was tossing and turning and worrying about driving today. All kinds of worry sped through my mind. And I kept getting up in the middle of the night to check on the car. I, after all, am my father's daughter, and I'll get worried and paranoid about everything. A little bit OCD, I suppose. Even this morning, after parking the car and all, I checked the car several times to make sure it is all locked up. And even as I am typing this, I glimpse out the window ever so often to make sure the car is still there. It might just be for the moment, or it could be a lifelong thing like my father :p

Speaking of my father, I hope my parents won't worry too much. I don't want them to not be able to sleep at night and worry 24/7 about my driving on my own. I know they worry cos they love me, but I don't want them to stress themselves out doing so. I should be ok...

But anyhow, my first experience of driving independently went good. All I could pray for is that this continues to be so til forever. And that I do not run in with reckless drivers.

Now, InsyaAllah my driving back would be just as smooth.

Love,
Hazlin

When I arrived at my front door of my Cyberjaya home last night, there was a pile of broken glass scattered all over the porch. It striked me rather odd, since it did not look as though it was accidental. It seemed to me as though someone intentionally smashed a bottle against the grill of my front door... But why?

My first instinct was to tell me parents and Ash about it, but I didn't wanna my parents any unnecessary distress and worry, and I forgot to tell Ash altogether because I was half asleep by the time I called him. But anyhow...

Why would somebody take a bottle and smash it all over the entrance to my apartment? Was it done in a drunken state or in rage and my door was the one the person just happened to come up against and so became a victim of the person's unpredictability? Or was there some malicious intent in the person doing so? And even so, did they get the right house? I mean, just the other side is a unit with same house number only that it has a letter 'A' at the end (which Ash, too, mistook for mine :p). It really is odd to me.

The bottle, upon closer inspection, looked a little bit like a Livita bottle; but also not quite. It could also pass for a medicine bottle; but then I can't really tell from it having been broken into pieces and all. But anyhow, it smelled sickly sweet and was all sticky on the floor, with shards of glass dangerously littering the ground.

Could it have fallen from the upper floors or thrown even? It's possible, looking at how many of the occupants just love throwing all manner of things, even dangerous breakable things, from the top floor not caring about the people down below who might just get hurt. But then, it doesn't look like it felt. The position of the bottle and the way it is broken seems like a close range smashing...

Maybe my having to move is timely. I don't wanna be in an apartment that *might* be a target for something. Now, if I could just find an apartment to move into...

Love,
Hazlin

• Yes, Facebook has become overrated now that everybody is using it. So what? I don't give a rat's hairy ass that you were among the first to discover the wonders of Facebook or whatnot. That doesn't give you privs to diss all the Malays who have recently started using Facebook to make their pathetic life more meaningful. It's a free (cyber)world that everybody can use, so let them choose what they wanna do with it. If you don't like that set of people, then make your profile private/inaccessible etc. I find it to be a useful tool for me to keep in touch with the kinda friends who love to change their phone numbers every time they blink or those who are now living in countries beyond my reach. Does that make me guilty, too, cos I use Facebook along with everyone? If only a select few used Facebook then where's the fun in that? There'll be no friends to connect with and the activities wouldn't be as fun, and there'll be no one to tag. So, stop dissing people who you think are following fads and are making you uncool. Why don't you stop living since everybody is doing it and see how that treats ya.
  
• Dude, stop deluding yourself and stop calling yourself an alpha male in that self-important voice and all serious-faced cos you can't pull it off. Believe me, you're not. You're not man enough to say that. In fact, a real man won't even need to say that. You're just a boy with big words with no substance to hold yourself up. Lights on with nobody home. I'm sorry, but that doesn't impress me much. Get yourself a troll of girls who love such big talk, and leave us well alone. She says you're only as annoying when I'm around? Well, I suppose it's the only time when a girl don't fall at your feet cos you're so smart and instead challenges every word you say. Get off me and my friend, cos I don't think you can handle our minds. Oh, and while I'm at this, you got no right telling my friend what to wear and how to dress. Just cos she doesn't dress like them skanky girls you follow around in my friend's presence, doesn't make her unsexy. She's sexier being who she is, and not how you want to make her. Take her for the person she is, or leave her well alone.
  
• Stop being so stuck up, girl, cos one day you're gonna realize that you're on the losing end. There's more to life than what that has to fall under your preferences and your perception. The world was made to be diversified, not just the one ideal. The world wouldn't be half as fun if it were. Don't look down on the people you don't see fit to fit into your little world. Acknowledge people for what they are and what they choose to be like or choose to like. There is no one set mould. There is no type. We are all bits and bobs that fit into one another.
• Stop interrupting everything I say, Motormouth. I can never get a word in when you are around. You always have something better to say. You always have a better story to tell. So what? Wait your turn and let other people have a go. Don't jump in when people are mid-sentence or mid-story. It's rude and very hurtful. Stop it.
• Not wanting to generalize, but the foreigners living in my block are terribly dirty. Not all foreigners, but a certain few from certain countries. They seem not to be in the know of the existence of things called garbage bags or trash cans and anything of the like, the things where you put the trash in. It seems so because they never know where to put their trash. They throw all manner of things out the window. Shoes, files, old books/magazines, bottles (glass and plastic), clothes, and anything else they could fling out the window litter the ground outside my window. And being on the lowest floor gives me the luxury of hearing all of that bouncing off the pavement. Oh, and the kitchen window? Well, as mentioned, I'm the one located closest to the ground, so the ledge outside the kitchen is full of old styrofoam boxes gone moldy, stale bread, food that has gone basi and all foodstuff or relating to it. And yes, I've seen the faces of the kinda people who throw them. And yes, the locals do it, too, but there is a certain level of decency to their doing so (if there can be such a thing). I don't care la, foreigner or not, whatever race; just be clean. We all wanna live comfortably, so stop being so goshdarn filthy.
  
• Stop being holier than thou.
• Please please please please please please please please please don't cancel Dollhouse. Don't do this to Joss again. Don't let another Firefly happen.
  
• Something must be done about the cabbies in Cyberjaya who not only not use the meter, but charge twice the fare to head to one's destination. One cabbie who was a newbie used the meter cos he didn't know the route and I saw that the real fare to get from Cyberia to FSBM Plaza was about RM4.50. I've always known it was much lower than my normal 7 or 8 bucks but here I had the proof in plain numbers. Just cos people here are willing to fork out that much cash doesn't give them the right to charge however they like. Come on la, we don't all have a pocketful of cash.
• Why hasn't my gaji come in yet :(

I didn't after all.

My team leader, Arvind, didn't let me.

He told me to stay home and get some rest.

Sheesh, never thought my superior would tell me to stay home and laze instead of doing work :P

So I'm here at home, listening to Tori's American Doll Posse at max volume.

And waiting for my laundry to get done.

I'm bored.

I wanna be subbing ABAG.

:p

Love,
Linzy

There's a reason why they used to call me The Responsible One.

Situation (right now):

It's 10.30am, and I am at home in bed, still in my nightie, and obviously unshowered. I am coughing and sniffling and have tissues littering the floor next to my bed from having sneezing all night, but was too caught up in my sleep to get up and throw them in the bin at the far corner. I have that heavy feeling in my noggin and it makes getting up from my pillow feel like torture (a little more than the usual).

In cases like these, there is no other thing that I could do but to just stay home and recover. But the Annoying Responsibility-Addict+Ever Constant Guilty Conscience in me is feeling bad for not being at work. I feel like I should be there to at least do something, even if there is nothing needing my immediate attention. I feel guilty for being here at home doing nothing in particular while my friends and colleagues are in the office slaving away doing what they need to do. I feel useless.

If responsibility was a disease, then it musta been something I've contracted and never recovered from. As I am typing this, I am actually contemplating going to the office after lunch time. I cannot just sit around and laze. Especially not when I am alone with my guilty thoughts and fighting my conscience that says go to work while logic says, get some rest. Haih...

After much thought, I think I will be going to work.

:p

Diseased with Responsibility,
Hazlin