Sup3rnality

My malasness reigns true nowadays. Not entirely, but it has gotten me very very sluggish to actually type out an entry on a daily basis. Usually I find myself looking forward to writing something new; lately though, not so much. This can either be attributed to a) my working as a sub editor fills up my quota for words read and/or typed on the monitor screen, b) my mornings, when I usually take the time to write, are now when I switch on the pc to read e-mails from various editors and get to work, or c) I just can't be bothered, especially after a long day or when I happen to go out after work, I don't have any effort left to sit and type.

Whatever the reason, I'm gonna summarise the past few in bullets. Very professional, that way. Yeah right, more like, very malas, that way.

• I am still feeling like a selfish bitch, eventhough a part of me feels like it is called for, for being short tempered with my parents. The weekend actually was a good one, but it went sour just before I came back. I feel like I could have done something different, but I know myself and how at times I run on short, and I get temperamental easily; and therefore do not think before I act. I am menyesaling sangat-sangat; but am also degil. But an apology is due; from me, that is.
  
• Last Friday, I was sexually harassed verbally and by several up-and-down looks by a cab driver. Since I wasn't able to carpool that day, I took the cab but didn't think anything of it when I found the back door locked. So I climbed into the passenger seat instead, but remembered to keep a distance and not be so comfortably close to the cabbie. He just engaged in the usual friendly cabbie chatter, which I politely obliged to. I don't know how the conversation went as I mechanically went through the usual Oh-Cyberjaya-is-an-ok-place-but-little to-do-and-see routine, but it suddenly steered to a part where the cabbie commented in Malay, in a very sleazy manner, that I had a nice body; to which he promptly gave me a slow once over, or make that twice or quadruple. I was afraid that he was gonna put his hand on my thigh or something; and I knew if he did I'd elbow him and we'd be roadkill. I was squirming to get out and thankfully the short drive brought me to my destination. I made sure he stopped at a different block, paid and got out. He went on to say that hopefully we meet again, and to look for his cab again. I just closed the door and half ran. I shoulda taken his plate number down, but I just was too scared to be anywhere in his sight any more. He made my skin crawl. That's the last time I'd take a cab for the timebeing.
• I accidentallly went grocery shopping last night with Juliana. She was the one who wanted groceries, and I just went along for the ride cos I didn't wanna trouble her by sending me back first. Plus, I can teman her. Besides, I did need a bottle of shampoo and conditioner. So I went and bought the things I need. But coming across the cooking oil aisle at Carrefour, we spotted a particular brand of olive oil that was very affordable. It inspired me to get to packing myself home cooked meals for lunch, as I was planning to do earlier when I just started work. So I bought the extra virgin olive oil, some pasta, garlic, some vegetables and shall attempt to cook myself simple pasta dishes. Which, by the way, is pretty ok, if I say so myself. Just made myself pasta with olive oil, crushed garlic, pepper and cuts of cheese and it's filling but light. The olive oil made it really tasty Made some for tomorrow as well.
• Which brings me to my next point; how does one know that an olive is extra virgin? I mean, if it's already virgin, can it be any more virgin than that? This is a rhethorical question, by the way. Don't get smart on me and answer this...I know there are very gatal hands out there, just itching to give me some smart alec answer :P
  
• Oh, guys should not wear overalls. Or also known as playsuits. It's a no-no. Period. I mean, I don't even see 'em plumbers/repairmen/labourers wearing them anymore. And it is so 80s/90s. That guy I saw in Alamanda with his blue jeans overalls and classic white tee underneath is like a sudden blast from a should-not-be-repeated past. The look is so not flattering, dude.
• I was doing my normal nightly blogshopping and was in the mood for pre-owned stuff rather than looking at them brand new ones. Sometimes you get really good bargains on things that some people buy to wear once for an occasion or they buy and find that they don't fit, or don't like it no more... So I love browsing through what they call 'Preloved Shops'. One shop had everything. She was selling off the normal, like blouses, dresses, tees, skirts and the like, and she also had jewellery and even some old books and magazines. And in the midst of all that, she was selling a dildo. Yes, a dildo. Just a solitary one. Not a stock that she has and wants to sell, but just the one. In a pre-owned items shop. WTF? What? She used it on herself and decided it didn't give her the jollies and now she's looking for a new owner for it??! Hell no. What is the woman thinking? Total ewwwww-ness ok?
• Commenting on Yanna's entry on Tori's up and coming album Abnormally Attracted to Sin got me psyched and I looked her up on Wiki just to read the latest scoop. It's been so long since I've caught up with the music world that I didn't know that some people collaborated with Tori had published a comic book interpretation of some of her songs last year. It's effing beautiful; and I am itching to get it. It retails for about RM255 in Kinokuniya, and it's hardcover (Sarah checked it out for me) and I am so getting my hands on it. It's called Comic Book Tattoo and the illustrations on the cover is beautiful...and eventhough I don't know how it looks like inside, the idea of interpreting Tori's songs, in pictures and words and stories at that, is definitely something to own. Her lyrics tell and million and one stories, and I want to read/see some of them.
• I'm finding that I am loving my team more and more. They are friendly, helpful and very nice bunch of people and I feel glad and honoured to be working for and with them. Team Australia B - Tax & Accounting rocks! :P Oh, and the ayam susu we had for our team lunch this afternoon was yummy!
  
• My dad sold off my blue Kenari, by the way. Without consulting anyone. Tau-tau he told me it's gone. Pastu menyesal, but consoled himself that a brand new one is better. Which, he too, bought without consulting anyone. So now I am bound to own a silver Viva, when I honestly woulda preferred the the Kenari cos I will feel much better with a second hand one. At least I won't feel so pressured...but hey, beggars can't be choosers.
• Again, I am missing my friends... I need that human connection again with people I know and love. It's been way long since we had a good lepak. Next next weekend, hopefully.
  
• Ultimately, I abso-effing-lutely can't wait for this weekend. I am so giddy that I can hardly focus at work. Macam terlebih gula. And I couldn't stop smiling. And blushing. And giggling. Cos I'll be seeing my Sayang this weekend, after not seeing him for about 7-8 weeks now. My heart is fluttery and I have a skip to my stride. I feel like I have a smile plastered on me and I can't shake it off, even though I know I look scary. Because I am honest to God happy, and it's been a while. And I cannot wait to get his brand of comfort again, after my past weeks being so...painful. Looking forward to the weekend, Sayang. Hopefully all goes smooth.

Anyway, my quickie became a not-so quickie. But at least it got alot of things off my chest. Phew!

Love,
Linzy

Your wildcard, boy, needs playing
Don't believe the lie
Your dragon needs slaying
Why don't you lay here with me
And I will bring
Kisses for the beast

'Dragon' - Tori Amos from American Doll Posse

No two paths are the same on which tunes travel by. And this tune, this afternoon reached to me on another high. Revisiting from the first time I penned those unlived thoughts. Oh, how it paints different shades of grey each time it plays.

The grey for today plays it lukewarm. Neither timid nor bold. The chilling fire or the fiery cold. It paints over the first art I thought I was meant to keep, and now etches another atop the other with lines so deep.

Play this hand, we'll never know if it's a win. But my money's on the jackpot. Because dragons, as hard as they are to slay; quietens after a while and lays dormant as the dust and ash settles. And the raging beast only roars when daylight makes its head rise to greet the fray, and yet purs the solace of night away.

Don't believe the lie. The smokescreen. It's a distortion from what really lies behind these maze of mirrors. Reflections are the opposite. Almosts but not quite. Reach out. And where your hand does not touch the smooth, cold surface; you'd find warmth.

Love, Lin~

P/S: Dear Tori, why say one thing when you can say a million? Your music tells countless stories, always something new each time I listen. There is an art to your art.

I chide myself for feeling the way I feel; my conscience sends off warning bells in my head that rings loud and clear, toiling that I would wish it different come a day. Believe me, I know all that. The way my brain works, believe me when I say I've thought it out. But I cannot help what I feel; and feelings are not always wise.

I need to be out of here. Not in a dramatic, slamming-the-door-behind-me-and-never-looking-back way of out. But a more subtle my-sanity-needs-space way. I really do.

Perhaps, being absent from the everyday goings-on of home has made me separate and alien to it. Or, as I would prefer to say, my attachment to my family has reached the point where it's time I venture out and test the waters on my own. I need to be on my own now. Or for now.

And a huge part in me screams in protest at this. It's telling me, my family needs me; my mother needs a companion and an ear for her to confide in, my father needs me around for his feeling of security, and my siblings need their big sister. And I've told myself before, my parents aren't getting any younger, and as much as I hate to admit it, but one day, I won't have them anymore. So I chould take this time to appreciate them. And the more I am away, the more I am missing out on my siblings growing up, and each time I see them they are changed. I shouldn't be wasting a single day in their lives...

And yet, there's another part of me that yearns to be free. I need to be my own person now. And as much as I love my family, the only way I can do that is to be away from them. I need to get a job and settle into a place of my own and make my own life, and test their love and advice against the world. For my mind to work, I need to silent my mind into focus, and I cannot achieve that at home. And my sanity needs to be maintained.

There is nothing stopping me but myself. My family trusts me with all my decisions and I can make my move whenever I see fit. But it is I myself who is battling my these voices that are eating me away after softening me up with guilt.

I know that either way, there'll come a day when I will leave. I just don't know when or how. And what I'm battling here is my fear of abandoning my family for the sake of myself. It makes me feel selfish. But I know it'll happen eventually, and I need to reconcile that this is what they would want to, even if they still want me to be at home and never grow up.

And they'll understand my need to break free, but that doesn't mean it will make in any easier for them, or me.

Love, Lin~

I'm making brownies again today. I've altered the recipe abit to suit my taste. A little less sugar. Some chocolate sprinkles mixed in and all over the top. I'm set for a yummy treat tonight after dinner.

And yet, these little things remind me of you. The sweetness turns bitter after a month of only being able to hear your voice, and not see you or be near you. And it'll be another week; heck, it might be another 2 weeks if plans for Kelantan+Kedah+Penang happens. *sigh* My heart already aches.

It's been so very trying these past month. I've never missed anyone the way I'm missing you. Life before you filled me with an ache that haunted me when I felt alone. And now with you in my life, it aches ever more so knowing I have you but have to be apart for too long.

I can't wait for you to come back.

But come back safe. I'll be waiting no matter what, no matter how long it takes. I love you~

Love, Linzy~

Fidzy's entry with an excerpt from Hanson's 'Wish that I was There' took me back to 9 years before.

But first of all, my God, it's been that long ago...? Wow.

Nine years before. I was 13 going on 14. In Form Two; 2 Yakin, to be exact. President of the Photography Club. Just began working for my school's Koperasi. I was my class' Treasurer. Slightly awkward, but finally settling into my skin. Had shoulder length hair. I've yet to start plucking my eyebrows, but loved make-up. Had an obsession with 5ive. Wrote poetry very often. The worst problem I had at the time was a jerk of a guy whom I had a crush on who treated me like crap (I wonder now why in the world I was attracted to him?). And for some reason was called for counselling ocassionally. That was me at 13++.

I remember Kemahiran Hidup (Home Economics) class. It was taught by Puan Mariah, methinks, and she was just scary. I hated going to the bengkel (workshop) for her class where she will just nag nonstop. But then there was one time when our class (just us girls) were sitting in front of the classroom door but the teacher didn't show up. It was still early in the school year and I haven't really gotten to know alot of people. So I struck up a conversation with the girl sitting on the floor opposite of me. I just knew her as the artsy person in class who listened to Elvis and the Beatles, but never really talked to her. Her name was Fairuz.

Or Ayus, as I would later call her.

I don't remember what was the content of our conversation that day, but the next thing I know was that we were both raving about Hanson. Honestly, I never met a person who likes Hanson so it was rather a surprise (my interest in them have waned, but I still genuinely think they're good). We started singing all the songs (most people would only know Mmmbop or the other singles) and were really having fun, finding some kinda kindred spirit in each other. And that's what sealed it.

That conversation led to phone calls to exchanging of posters and borrowing of magazines to singing sessions to sleepovers to camping to hanging out to YEAH to the talent competition to the Radio DJ competition to talking about boyfriends and then SPM, and then graduating from school to slacking off playing You Don't Know Jack on the PS all day to talking about campus life to hours long conversations late into the night about anything and everything to graduation and work to being in a magazine and on TV together to dissecting life and the way it works and bitching about the idea of marriage people keep throwing at us to talking about cats to mourning and indulging on pizza and chocolate and ice cream to talking about the good old days...And there are the smiles and the jokes and the crying and the fights and the miscommunication and the arguments and misunderstanding and the making up and all. We've been through so much.

But I remember most from our history is our singing sessions. We would gather at my place and we'd sing and try to harmonize with one another. It was always either Hanson or Robbie Williams and ocassionally Edwin McCain or Michelle Branch. Our staple songs were Hanson's Weird, Song to Sing, Wish that I was There, If Only, With You in Your Dreams, Save Me and many more... Ayus loves Wish that I was There cos Zac sang it, and we sang that song alot. I loved harmonizing this part, and I still sing it every now and then:

And you make me feel,
Won't you take me when you're not here.
It's been raining here,
and I just want you to be near.

I think I recorded most of them on some tapes, I'll have to look for them and give them a listen and then laugh. I don't know whether I still remember the lyrics to most of the songs... I think if I were to sing it they'd come naturally. I miss those times. Such innocent and much simpler times.

And then there was that time we decided to put all our singing to the test. We, just for the heck of it, joined the Talent Competition our school had, and we entered the group singing category.
We sang 'Song to Sing'. My part was always:

And all that I've found in reason
Is reason just to not believe
And all that you are left (with) is treason
It's treason just to let it be.

I guess we weren't so bad, cos we got third place. We harmonized a capella and was pretty shaky for a while, but I think it was something anyway. Just a little something to tell my kids in the future :) Oh, and we continued to sing another two times...Save Me and With You In Your Dreams.

I missed that time when Hanson came to Malaysia, but Ayus went. I wasn't really sorry that I missed the show, just sorry that I missed sharing something that united us, and something she was so looking forward to and for me to go with her.

Hanson and Ayus; they'll always be inseparable. They'll always be synonymous. And the reason that I know her. They're a big part of my history. And that's a song that I sing.

Love, Ayin~

Written for my Feature Writing class 'Song Interpretation' exercise on the 7th of August 2008.
For this exercise, I was inspired by Jewel's "Who will save Your Soul", and the song sets the mood for this story, almost like a soundtrack. I call this piece:

Feature Writing really proved itself to be much fun on Thursday night, and it reminded as to why I love words and writing so much. I loved class that night, and I'm glad I didn't miss it in favour of hopping onto one of those buses to Genting (of course, I would have chosen being with you over anything else, sayang, but the Genting thing was an impulse comment; and if we really wanted to, well, that would take planning. Maybe sometime soon?).

Anyway, the class that night opened my eyes to the endless possibilities of writing styles and methods; and the method we used was 'Song Interpretation'. And while in some ways it is nothing new to me, since I've blogged a few entries inspired by songs or used song to interpret/emphasise my words; I've never written in that way before, in a way that while it was by my definition, what I wrote out of it had nothing to do with me. Well, it could if I wanted to, but I preferred the suggested method.

This was what we were supposed to do:

-Think of a song that inspires you.
-Think of how they make you feel.
-Write a short story or scene using the song in some way.

So I thought long and hard, shortlisting the my favourite songs and favourite artistes in my mind to think of the perfect song that could inspire me to write a story. Initially, I came up with this list:

- 'A Sorta Fairytale' by Tori Amos
- 'Full of Grace' by Sarah McLachlan
- 'Kiss the Flame' by Jewel
- 'Who Will Save Your Soul?' by Jewel
- 'Sign on the Door' by Edwin McCain
- 'Write Me a Song' by Edwin McCain
- 'Spark' by Tori Amos
- 'Here is Gone' by Goo Goo Dolls

It was quite hard for me to choose, since, well, they all pretty much inspire me in some way or other. Tori Amos for example, has a way of not connecting any of the words to create an immediately understandable meaning, but is layered with various interpretations. Jewel's concern for society is happiness and sadness sung as poetry. The Goo Goo Dolls casually rock out the sounds of their concern and advice. The Edwin McCain Band sings sultry blues-y rock that pulls at heartstrings....

Of course, I'd have thrown in more songs, like that from Sarah Bettens, Sarah McLachlan etc. But that would involve listing down every song on my playlist. But after long deliberation, particularly taking into account how vague the lyrics are so to create my very own story and not something that was already plainly described in the lyrics. In the end, it was a toss up between 'Who will save your soul?' and 'Sign on the door' and I chose, 'Who will save your soul'. It was vague and could be interpreted in any way regarding the wayward modern society. So within the next half an hour or so, I scribbled away a story....

TO BE CONTINUED...

P/S: I'd like to think that my creative streak that night came from having a wonderful day with my sayang. Right after our MSL makeup class, we managed to steal away for the rest of the day and spent it with each other in KLCC, before my Feature Writing class that night. Ash took me to Kinokuniya to get my Buffy #16 comic and made the rest of the time so much wonderful with much love and pampering (and scaring... leaning against the railing on the top floor... You know I'm afraid of heights, sayang). Thank you, love, for putting the many smiles on my face. You're very much my inspiration. I love you.

"Is there a love
Lost and found
Make it easy
Make it easy
It's not as heavy as it seems
Wrapped in metal
Wrapped in ivy
Paint it in mint ice-cream"
- Tori Amos

That's what we call ourselves at the top of our voices, eventhough in voices low, we don't even have a name. It's easier to pretend when all there is is the weight of nothing of something that once were. Maybe we dropped it on the way here.

Or maybe, we're sitting down a while to wait for the strength again to pick it up and carry it forth again. But it's not as heavy as it seems. I don't remember it being heavy.

Although, I admit, we've picked up extra baggage along the way. Some pieces here and there that contribute to this burden we have. Not that I mind all that much; this thing between us feels more like experience than regret.

People are looking to me and this thing I'm carrying and they want to know. And I? Well, I can't even figure out the combination lock to open this. I don't even know what's in this to begin with. But there they are around me, in their hands they too carry something. They are carrying an old tattered basket, on the handle of it a ribbon so white it must be new, and a borrowed copy of Buffy Season 4 Disc 3 inside it. They offer it up as they walk with me and then eventually pass me by. I don't know whether I want it yet.

And it's funny that they turn to me knowing, when really I don't. I don't know. Make this easy. Make this easy. I thought I felt that something when there was that moment in a moment. Dark, sweet, spark. I swore there was. Make it easy.

This is all it is. Whatever we have hanging in the balance. I can't see beyond, and I don't want to look too far back. I want to see what it is here and now. That is, if there is anything to see.
If not, well, then lets just paint it mint ice-cream.

Yours, Lin~

I watched Spiderman 3 on Saturday night. I know, probably everyone else has watched it, seeing how it's been out since the 1st; or maybe has already watched it more than once. Well, not that it matters but I thought you'd probably be rolling your eyes at this point thinking 'Yeah, so? I've watched it last week'. For me, there isn't that much of an urgency to watch it anyway. I'm not a fan of the movie nor am I a fan of Tobey Maguire. Again, you may be thinking 'So?'. I don't know... You know how sometimes you just don't really like an actor and cannot be bothered to see a movie he's in? We'll if you have that kind of actor in mind, that's how it is for me.

Anyway, more to the point of this whole train of thought; so I watched the movie. I went to see it with my aunt and uncle, who were the ones that were really interested in seeing the movie to begin with; I was just tagging along. So we sat through the movie. Apart from my fever and a ringing in my ear (probably from the loudness), I sat through the movie fine. I had some issues with it, but it was overall okaylah...(in Malaysian terms that would mean 'so-so'). So when we left the cinema and started driving back, I casually asked what they thought of the movie before I start projecting any of my criticisms. My uncle thought that it was rubbish. My aunt had nothing much to say besides saying that (spoiler alert) *a**y shouldn't have died. Well, at this point, I started saying my piece too.

Basically, what I thought of the movie was that it was all botched up like a bad case of 'kereta potong' (think Frankenstein meets salvages of many automobile accidents). Really. I mean, you get this 'kereta potong' out of many different parts and try putting it out for show. A person buys it, and he's cruising down the road; maybe he wants to test the speed on his new wheels and he accelarates abit and then, what do you know? Another mishmash.

Really, it could have been better. They shouldn't have tried to combine too may things into one movie. The character development was crap. There were too many loose ends. In a word, I'd say 'terabur' (all over the place). Throw away those scenes that totally interrupted the flow of the story. If there's one thing I remember from listening -repeatedly- to Joss Whedon's 'Serenity' commentary (yes, I'm Headgeek of Jossdom in Malaysia, so sue me) it is that some scenes just gotta go. It may be beautiful, it may be touching, it may make the audience curl up and die with emotion; but if disturbs the show's flow, it's just gotta go... Hence the so very little scenes of Inara in 'Serenity'.

Okay, okay, back to the point. so that's what I thought of the movie. And my uncle? Well, let me just give you a brief intro about my uncle before I begin. He grew up reading comics. You name it, Spiderman, Superman, Batman, The Flash...whatever else. He used to tell me about them. How he used to have the whole collection (damn, imagine how much they would cost now if he still had them?) because his father used to send them to him from the States. So he's a great comicbook heroes fan. All them Marvel comics used to be his forte. Stories about superheroes who fight evil, fighting the bad guys who were always so ugly we would hate them at first sight. The baddies are almost non-human, and we are never sorry to see them defeated or die. My uncle read all these comic books growing up and so that is what he wanted to see.

(Another spoiler alert!)

Instead, watching it, he was disapointed with how the villain apologized, how the villain turned good again and then died right after that, how the villain was so human that all he wanted was to make his daughter better etc... And my aunty mentioned that she hated that 'that' person died too. So this were the criticisms coming from my aunt and uncle. I can't critic them any, seeing how that is their opinion and that it is different from what they would have read in their younger days.

And that suddenly made me wonder, isn't it nice but painfully naive to still want that in a movie? I mean, don't get my wrong, my uncle and aunt both very much have the cynicism of some who has lived and seen the changing of the times (for the worse) since the last 50 something years. I assure you vehemently that they are anything but naive. And yet, that is what they look for in a movie. Black hats versus white hats, a happy ending... I'm guessing, they're still looking for a fairytale amidst all the world has to offer.

And me? I am almost 22. I may not have seen or experienced much but I know alot. Sometimes I think I am too old for my age. And yet, despite that, I am still naive. Of course, not the type of naive that makes me the kind of girl who'd simper and gasp at the talk of anything inappropriate or sit back and let things happen to me cos I am merely a girl and thus have to wait for a manly man to save me (much in the vein of simpering Buffy in 'Halloween'. Not that I object having some suave fella swooping in at the first sign of danger, mind, but I can hold my own as well if it comes to that). But I know that I am.

But then, what is it that I look for in movies that are meant for entertainent; movie shows that are parodies of our lives, a reprieve from the real world so we can forget for a little while? The answer is: I look for a semblance of life. I want things to be real. It may be a story of a superhero whom of course, is not at all possible; but that doesn't mean it cannot be based on life. I want to see that the hero is perfectly flawed like any other human, that the villains are not just villains but human beings who have reasons for what they do, that good people die bacause not everyone lives happily ever after. I want to see the villain's repentance, see that the hero doesn't always prevail and get the girl, I want to see a good person die doing what he believes in.

So what does that make me? On one side I have my aunt and uncle who are looking for a fairytale on the silver screen, perhaps to fall into a story that is non-sensical as a sedative to the real world. And I, on the other hand, look for more realism even when things happening around me are real enough to touch.

Does that make me jaded? Or does it just goes to show how much the generation has changed? How, as time goes by, we cannot hope to show our children Disney movies and make them believe it? Of course, in the end they would have to learn to accept the world, but the children; we would want to preserve their innocence for as long as possible; shield them from the brutality of the world, so we can watch them play carefree without them having age lines from so much worry. we would want them to have their childhood.

And there I go veering off into another vein.

And here I am back.

So is it just me? Or are we all doomed to weariness long before our time?

I hope it's just me. Because, well, awareness and being well informed is all well and good, but sometimes I wish we didn't have to grow up so fast.

"We grew up way too fast, now there's nothing to believe" -'Name' by the Goo Goo Dolls.

I miss the days when we would pretend that we were superheroes and I'd tie a towel around my neck to make a cape trail behind me so that I could be Supergirl. Or how I used to believe I was a Ninja Turtle and I had the whole outfit (Donatello by the way. Always liked the smart ones). I
miss the days when we believed in fairytales.

So, we see things differently. Fairytale versus Realism. Who would win? I am hoping neither; because to tell you the truth, I am a great fan of the grey area.

Oh, how Joss has addled my brain so.

Hmmm, I guess one thing is for certain, my uncle and aunt could never watch Buffy or Angel or Firefly/Serenity with me. Grr arrgh.

Love, Lin~

Mag ik nog even
Hier bij jou
Mag ik nog 1 keer
Voor het leven
Mag ik in stilte
Hier bij jou
Mag ik nog 1 keer
Om je geven
‘k Heb niet altijd juist geleefd
Maar toch iets moois geleerd

En ik leef
En ik leef
Alles gaat fout, maar ’t is goed
Zolang ik het beleef
Want ik leef

‘k Was je verloren
En mij ook
Alles proberen
Voor ik oud word
En ik sta nog steeds rechtop
Dit keer gewapend
Voor het koud wordt
‘k Heb je altijd graag gezien
Ken jij mijn geheim misschien

Want ik leef
En ik leef
Alles gaat fout maar tis goed,
Zolang ik het beleef
Want ik leef

Dat ik nu zonder spijt
Nog verder mag,
Nog kansen maak dat jij
Dat je weer lacht naar mij
Je lacht naar mij
Je lacht naar mij

En ik leef
En ik leef
Alles gaat fout, maar ’t is goed
Zolang ik het beleef

Ja ik leef
En ik leef
Alles gaat fout, maar ’t is goed
Zolang ik het beleef
Want ik leef

- "Leef" by Sarah Bettens aka lead singer of K's Choice

I'd promised in my last entry that there'll be more of this...that is, more entries to follow, and not lone ones that make up for months of silence. Well, let's hope this one would be the beginning of well, new beginnings. Although, I have to say, there isn't much to talk about of late.

Hmmm...

Well, there is one thing that I have been wanting to put a word out about. Well, actually more than just a word but you know what I mean. My birthday, that is what I wanted to talk about. It's been more than a month since...and I thought I'd give it that much time before I brought it up. I thought that in a month I would gain a better perspective about how I feel about it... Heh, although to tell you the truth, it was more out of utter lack of motivation to write rather than to "gain perspective".

Anyway, turning 21 is fantastically overrrated. Oh wait, I didn't mean to sound so cynical but I really didn't feel anything. Not that I expected to see big flashing lights go off in the night's sky or have a male stripper (did I just say stripper?) knocking on my door but well, I did think that I would feel more...I don't know, maybe the word I'm looking for is 'different', but it doesn't roll off the tongue as it is supposed to. Perhaps it's something else, and I have no word for it.

Eversince I was a kid, I've always wanted to grow up real fast. I read alot and had alot of things that I wanted to say and do. But when you're about 3 feet tall no one takes you seriously and that frustrated me. I didn't like being thought of as someone who was not capable of thinking for herself. Age never mattered to me, I always thought it was the mind that really determined your age, but hey, not everyone thinks that way. So I pretty much had always looked forward to the time I would be old enough to be taken seriously. Don't get me wrong, I didn't have a bad childhood. I had wonderful friends and an ever supportive family. But many a time, especially when I was in school, I felt like someone older stuck in a child's body.

And now, I'm 21 years old and I'm an adult, and I sit here and I've quite lost the enthusiasm of my looking forward to this time. Again I'm not being a cynical, bitter person; but I'm just seeing it with different eyes now.

I don't regret anything. Wait, there are a coupple of things on my mind that I would very much like to change but then they are also the things that have made me the person I am today. So...not going through those experiences would have made me into a different person, and truthfully, I am comfortable with the way I am. So, whatever those things are, I have to bear the weight of my mistakes and remember to not repeat them again.

I still feel older than I should be. But that doesn't make me a bitter biddy who sits on park benches lecturing the young 'uns about the good old days. I feel older in the sense that I have managed to find a firmer foothold, and I've gone up a tad higher than most. And I'm not sitting up there higher than others laughing at them. Instead I have the time to not only stop and smell the roses, but bask in them and soak up the sun. It's a good feeling.

Of course, things are not perpetually rosy. But I like that I get nicks and scrapes every now and then. It's no fun going through wars and never getting any souvenirs along the way..

I've battled more demons than I'd care or am able to say. Sometimes they stay dead, sometimes their ghosts linger and haunt me when I let myself sink. I live with them, but like I said, I try to live with no regrets; so I put them aside and try to make up for my past wrongs. I am able to reflect and make a choice.

So this is me. I'm not perfect and I know it and I love myself nonetheless. I am comfortable with what and who I am.

But....I'm still searching for it. Will I find it?

Love, Lin~

~I am feeling complacent~

I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it.

We have to keep on fighting even when it is an endless struggle. Have faith. Believe. The rising dark may always seem to be too tough to overcome, but we have to keep on fighting. I've always believed so and will continue believing....

"GingerBread" Season 3, Episode 11

Buffy: So I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad
just keeps coming back and getting stronger.
Angel: Buffy,you know, I'm still figuring things out. There's
a lot that I don't understand. But I do know it's
important to keep fighting. I learned that from you.
Buffy: But we never--
Angel: We never win.
Buffy: Not completely.
Angel: We never will... That's not why we fight. We do it
'cause there's things worth fighting for.

"I Believe" by Blessid Union of Souls

Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand
Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand
Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren't very far apart

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

Violence is spread worldwide and there are families on the street
And we sell drugs to children now oh why can't we just see
That all we do is eliminate our future with the things we do today
Money is our incentive now so that makes it okay

But I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

I've been seeing Lisa now for a little over a year
She said she's never been so happy but Lisa lives in fear
That one day daddy's gonna find out she's in love
With a black man from the streets
Oh how he would lose it then but she's still here with me
'Cause she believes that love will see it through
And one day he'll understand
And he'll see me as a person not just a black man

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe I believe I believe I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Please love find the way
Please love find the way

"Love.
You can learn all the math
in the 'verse...but you take a boat in
the air that you don't love...she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air
when she ought to fall down...tells you she's hurting
before she keels. Makes her a home."

-the wise words of Captain Malcolm Reynolds

Love, Lin~

"Snow Cherries From France"-Tori Amos

I knew a boy who would
Not share his bike
Oh but he let me go sailing
I swore that I
Could survive any storm
Oh then he let me go

"Can you launch rockets from here?"
Boy I've done it for years
Right over my head
And when I promised my hand
He promised me back
Snow Cherries from France
All that summer
We traveled the world
Never leaving his own bck garden
Girls I didn't know
Just what it could be
Oh but he let me go sailing

You question me
"Can you ride anything?"
Lord do you mean like your mood swings
Invaders and Traders with
The best intentions
May convince you to go
"They look like pirates from here"
Boy I've been one for years
Just keeping my head
And when I promised my head
You promised me back
Snow Cherries from France

All that summer
We traveled the world
Never leaving his own bck garden
Girls I didn't know
Just what it could be
Oh but he let me go sailing

And then one day he said
"Girl it's been nice,
Oh but I have to go sailing"
With cinnamon lips
That did not match his eyesOh then he let me go

“Mystery” 2.31am, 4th April 2004, Seremban

I am but a conundrum
Unsolved, unfathomable
A living enigma searching for a solution
Anticipating a resolution
That is nowhere in sight
So here I stand awaiting a patient traveler
Who will stop and take the time to comprehend
To absorb me into his veins
And spit out the answer to my heart
To my soul
And maybe to his too
Enough to make him stay
Or take me with him
To his destination
To a destiny
And maybe
Just maybe
We could build another mystery.