Sup3rnality

I wish I knew how to tell you where I start and where I begin. Tell you how I sleep and the thoughts that rush back to me when I awake.

You used to know.

I wish I could let you hear the monsters in my head, the crying in my bed. I wish you would not add to the voices, add to the tears.

I wish we could be the way we used to be.

Simpler gets harder before long, and from then on it's an uphill battle. Will you be next to me, hand in hand, or are you the thorn in my side, weakening me slowly with each step I take?

Words pierce me harder than any sword can.

Time is a fickle friend. Sometimes I want more of him, sometimes I wish I would see less. But in the end, there is no running. The ticking hands count down the moments of your life passing you by.

I wish you would stop shoving it in my face.

I love you, but like Time, sometimes I wish I could choose to run away.

As a child, I never once dreamt of being someone else. Living a life of adventure like my favourite cartoon characters (ie, Teddy Ruxpin and  TMNT), yes, but I never wanted to be somebody else.

Perhaps you could say I was happy as I was. Content. And my family, for all that it is, have always taught me to love myself and to never want for something that wasn't mine. I am told that He gives us what we need, not what we want. And He gives us only what He knows we can handle with our own two hands, and no more.

I believe that. I still do. And yet, at this age, now, past childhood naivete and teenage angst, only now I feel the want to be not me at times. Sometimes I ungratefully wonder how it would be if He gave me a different life, if not an easier one.

I mentally slap myself when I think like that. Because...in spite of all the stumbling blocks placed before me, He has also put in my path someone who will walk with me even if I stumble, He has given me a family who always cheers me on from the sidelines and He has given me much to be grateful for in terms of income, security and many other earthly possessions.

But in the split second of stumbling over a rock in my path, the flashes of thoughts that dash across my mind, tossed in with a bundled of confused emotions before the painful impact with the hard ground, I cannot help but think: What if my path was different?

Answers come to me readily: Then you wouldn't be you, my Common Sense chides me. I would not have the people I love in my life now by my side, it adds. And who says another path would be any better than mine, if not worse?

Many a time it has crossed my mind that I do not have peace because I am not wholly grateful for all He has given me. Well, that isn't far from the truth. But the thought that follows is, if that is the case, then why do others I love suffer as well? Why can't I alone bear the burden? Because I cannot see the people I love in pain while I can only watch from the outside.

But who am I to question God's plan? I can only hope He lets people I love find peace within themselves if not in the lives they have been given or chosen. I hope that He too grants me peace, if I may so undeservingly ask.

I know I am far from perfect, or good enough, even, but I hope I am worthy enough for His attention.

I hope that I can one day look in the mirror and not see someone too tired to be recognised as myself, with grey hairs aplenty at barely 30, dark circles under my eyes with hints of worry lines etched into my skin.

I may have never wished to be someone else.

But now I wish that this someone else would be me again.

Grief is a fickle friend. He visits you only when he needs to, then clings to you even though he has overstayed his welcome. I'd rather he never visit at all. And never lets his shadow darken my doorstep ever again.

Asdil broke the news to me this morning. His cousin I have gotten to know over these past two years passed away on Monday morning. She was only 19.

I could not stop this sadness in me, could not stop these tears. Memories of her, even if they are so few, plays over and over. Then the thought of her earrings that I still keep that will never be returned saddens me even more.

How cruel it is, that I've been thinking about her these past few months, wondering how she's been, and meaning to ask Asdil and never remembering to...

Life is such a fragile thing. It comes and goes so easily. So love the people you've been blessed to have in your life, and remember that the latest gadget you've been playing games on is - for all intents and purposes - a phone. Pick it up and call an old friend you've been thinking of. Don't put it off till it's too late.

Dear Anira, I may not be family - perhaps not now, insyaAllah one day - but, I miss you all the same. May Allah grant you peace in the afterlife. Al-Fatihah.

I worry a lot. Many know this. I worry about things beyond my control, worry about things I cannot fathom, about things that have yet to come.

My body is often tense with anxiety, muscles at the ready, bones set to fight or take flight.

And among these path of thorns filled with worry, there lies the ghost called Doubt.

I admit, sometimes I unknowingly let myself wade knee-deep in Doubt. And it creeps up to my heart like venom.

My heart's been hurt too many times, been made to question the truth in truthfulness. Sometimes I feel like I cannot believe. Like faith is a fool's dream. Like dream is only possible in sleep.

These....things happening around me feel like a knife to the chest. Buried in my back only to exit through my bleeding heart. I feel my soul draining from my severed thread of life. And yet I cannot reach behind me to ease this pain. In the mirror I see the faces I trust holding the handle to the dagger.

I admit, sometimes I ask myself questions like, is he the one? Or, will he hurt me like everyone else? I hate myself for asking that, it's like a slap to my own face asking, letting doubt breed free. I know he loves me, and yet, this ghost haunts me with words of doubt that turns into fear.

Despite all that, I love him. I do love him. And I believe in him. His strength gives me strength. And I believe he will be the one to prove me wrong.

Hazlin

P/s: I cannot continue writing any further, this is upsetting.

Some days are better than others.

Some days are not.

While we all live different lives, see things in different perspectives, live lives with problems distinctly different from one another, the point is, we all have problems. The difference between yours and mine, mine and his, hers and yours does not make any of it less difficult for the person surviving it.

What matters is how you deal with it.

My life is difficult. But if I were to tell you why, some people (maybe you?) are likely to say: That's nothing, you haven't heard what happened to me, or, I've been through that before and I'm fine. Buck up. Someone is bound to counter it with their own problems in a game of one-upmanship. I've already got troubles, do I really need to be burdened by yours?

The secret is how to survive.

I work with the media. Some days are good. Some days are crappy. You smile and you cry. Life goes on. Just as you're about to recover from one shock, another one rolls in. News come and go. Some old, some new. Some old but in new wrappings. Some new, masquerading as old.

You don't agree with me? I never asked you to.

I'm just trying to survive, and if I make it through alive, maybe I'll spend the time to thank you for putting that hurdle in my way and thus making me the stronger person today.

There is an art in looking for that silver lining.

For me, it's the constant smile he puts on my lips when I'm with him. The loving hand he offers for mine that lends me strength when I'm at my weakest. Asdil has saved me in more ways than he will ever understand. He is the fire in my heart that stokes the flames, urging me to go on. We have our bad days, too, but love always finds a way out of darkness and into a new dawn.

A family that has more faith in me than I ever deserve. A strong mother whose heart is gentle but is as solid as rock. A kind-hearted sister whose unfailing trust, witty banter and disarming frankness never cease to amaze me. A brother whose big heart is a warmth even though it is often lost on many in his stumbled words. A father who despite it all, an amazing figure.

And friends, near and far, whose words of assurance, no matter how little, lifts me from the lowest of lows.

God challenges you so you can ascend to a higher plane of thought. If He made everything easy, we'd never put in the effort to be better versions of ourselves.

The trick is to walk in other shoes to see new perspectives.

And remember why it's worth everything to keep on going.

I keep on writing this again and again so I never forget.

Life is hard. Some days are good, some days are bad. But I keep on fighting because I know it'll all be worth it in the end.

• - Selamat Hari Raya, everyone :)
• - And happy Merdeka, too.
• - To those who know what I mean, the phases are over. I'm on my own. Liberating, yet scary. But here's to hoping I'll hold my own.
• - Setar was not forced to shut down, thank God. Was already teetering on the edge, but we were pulled back. So yes, salary salary salary. I can pay for my car, rent, petrol... I can afford to give my parents cash, to my siblings and my grandma, too, and help my mum with some funding for her trip to Holland. Alhamdulillah, that was a very huge sigh of relief. 
• - Thinking back on a previous entry and other scathing and unapologetic commentaries, I am not sorry for what I said. I feel what I feel and I cannot be sorry for them, lest I be a hypocrite to myself. It may hurt the feelings of some in the process, but as I've said, I write these words here as it is solely a medium of expression. I'm not interested in feedback or reactions towards what I write. And though it is for all to see, I write them thinking as if these are for my eyes only. So whatever nerve I may have struck, if anybody read it for that matter, you are entitled to your opinion and me, mine. Just don't step on my toes while you're at it.
• - Again I say, no matter what you think of me, I love my job, and I love where I work. In the same vein as the above point, if you have a problem with me, well, then don't talk to me. We'll get along so much better that way, by not communicating. I'm tired of rude/insensitive/ignorant remarks on my profession or the company I work for. You're not the one working there, so just shut up la right? Let me earn my living the way I see fit, and if you don't like it, then don't follow suit; and even better? Don't talk to me and criticise me. 
• - Looking forward to an impromptu trip to Langkawi (my colleagues and I impulsively bought a voucher off Groupon for a night's stay in Langkawi, we bought two for a two-nights' stay) in early October :)
• - This Raya, it had been nice being able to give than to receive. After so long, it's nice to see the roles reversed for once.
• - As these years pass, it's getting harder to explain the absence additions to the family. It's easier in my head, but not as easy on the ears of those who expect reasons.
• - On the first day of Raya, I woke up to the voice of the other half of me, separated by distance, but at one in heart. My Asdil's words never fails to light up my day, and it surely did.
• - Merdeka was almost forgotten, as predicted. A little sad, even though I'm not particularly one to celebrate it. 
• - My feline son Freddie went missing for 10 days (4 days before we left for KB and 6 days while we were in KB). Went into a state of sadness that I couldn't help feeling irritable for the first few days in KB. For that I was sorry. But my heard leapt when he was there starving in front of the house when we came back. He was so light and oh so manja. He most probably got chased by the dominant male cats in the area and he got lost and couldn't find his way back. He's been so scared to leave the house and his fur is constantly half fluffed up, like he's ready to get into battle mode. Tonight he got chased again and he got so scared he crapped himself. Poor baby. 
• - I like taking photos of things, and of myself with friends and family, but not really the type to ask someone to snap a pic of myself. I feel so odd doing that. I will camwhore alone in my own privacy, but never ask someone to take a pic of me if I can avoid it.
• - Back to work in a few hours. Time to save the nation. 

It's been a little quiet here, because, it's been a little quiet in my head. Just a little, of course, those whispering ghosts never do cease their haunting, but save for that, a somewhat calm has taken over me.

I find that calmness renders me uncreative, and words don't come as freely as when emotions come rushing to the fore. They stay dormant, waiting at the edge of my conciousness when I am but a still figure in the middle of an empty room.

I've moved house in early May. It's a much bigger, more comfortable...it makes me feel like I have a much wider space for my thoughts to float in. I feel small in my room, lying in the middle of it with a book tucked in my hands and pillows against my back and cushioning my head. The house is somewhat expensive, yes; a worry that is at the back of my mind. But for the moment, I do not want this worry to mar the peaceful surface of my calm.

In my quietness, I've been feeling content. Put aside all the worries and the troubling outside my door, and I am in a little piece of solace. A part where no one can hurt me. Like I say so many times and never tire of saying, I have a wonderful family who loves me in spite of it all, who is always there for me. A significant other who tirelessly stands by my side, loving and giving, and is my rock who keeps me grounded. And I have friends whom, despite the length and breadth of our separation, care for me.

Life is always good if you take the time to find the things that make you happy. Sometimes you have to close your eyes for a while, and let them sink down into the depths of the recesses of your mind and let them be forgotten. Instead, hang on to the floating lifelines at the surface. Quietly but surely, you'll reach the shore.

Things can get a little crazy here in Linzy Land. Cash is always an issue thanks to finicky housemates, hefty TNB bills that only makes an appearance after two months with warning letter about paying bills on time (Hello? How about giving me the bill on time?), car problems that need repairing, much needed car petrol, and stupid Maxis bills that don't make sense.

Things are quite hectic as well, taking as many OTs (meaning that I finish at 2am) as I can, and doing freelance proofreading. These two I'm not complaining about, because the extra cash helps me stay afloat. But it does sap energy off of me.

Some days I wake up late and in a daze, feeling guilty of having missed the morning. It's hard to take that first step out of bed and out of the room and out of the house after working all night. My inactivity has further led me to put on more weight which makes me furious at myself.

Oddly though, life is good. Yeah, the crappy parts are, well, crap, but overall, it's been good. I enjoy my work, it finally feels fulfilling and I see a future in where I am. I think I can go far working here. I think I can give more to my family now, because my constant depression (when I was at my old company) has faded away and I can be a better person for them. And eventhough I don't see them as often, but the distance has made me feel all the more thankful of what I have.

The anticipation of going home to see my family makes me so excited that I feel like I need to buy gifts for everybody each time I go home. Making stops here and there to pick up a book for my sister, some Popeye's fried chicken for my brother, some home decor stuff for my mom and something my dad would like if I find any (he's a tough person to buy for :p). And when I get home, an almost audible sigh of relief escapes me. 

Living in PJ also means I get to see friends more often. Well, not that often, but with  my no longer being so far away in Cyberjaya, it's easier to plan for meetups with friends. And my colleagues are great friends, too. It's important, you know, to love the people you work with. Otherwise work will be only partly fulfilling, and you'd feel an emptiness when going to work everyday.

Asdil, of course, fills in the gaps, being all that I need. We don't see each other as often now, with my working at night and on weekends, too, and with him having classes all the way in Cheras every weekday til late. But I think that makes us stronger as a couple, and makes us grow better with each step, and hopefully prepares us better for our future.

I like the days when I have the day off, and we don't feel like going out for dinner. He'd come over and we'd cook dinner ourselves, and he'd cook up one of his mystery dishes. Then we'd have dinner while watching a comedy. It's simple, homey, and better than any fancy dinner we can ever have.

Yes, life is good. It seems like that is all I've been saying these past few entries (as far in between as they are), but that's the basic fact. Trying to make ends meet, living on your own and scraping through the month makes you go crazy, but in the end it is all worth it.

Because the bottom line is, you know that nothing in life comes for free. You have to work to get what you want, and that includes going through the hard times. I always keep in mind that Allah SWT gives to those who puts in the effort to work to reach their goals. And that keeps me going. One day, this will all pay off.

One day I will repay my parents for all they have given to me. I will make sure my little brother and sister will have a good role model and grow up to be good people. I will see that I will be there for my friends when they need someone to be their friend. One day, God willing, Asdil and I will be together for keeps and keep on being each others' shoulder to lean on.

Love,
Linzy

I have a lot more strength of heart than I often give myself credit for.

Sometimes, i dismiss it to wave away a heartfelt observation from a friendly party commenting on my ability to take so much, and get back only but a little. But more often than not, the discredit comes from not wanting to rely so much on pride than the actual quality itself. Because the more one romances the elation of a compliment, the more the fire burns, consuming the reason for the compliment itself. In its place then lies a facade of what should really be.

And that's my weakness, see. I am driven by pride. I take it all, knowing I can do it, but not understanding the limits of these two hands. In constantly outdoing myself again and again, I often forget I am what I am because of who I am, not what they say I am. Does that make sense to you?

My days are often time spent lost in the recesses of my mind. Compartmentalising, storing, feeling, prioritising... It helps me stay sane in the way I know how. Letting the pain and any other bothersome emotions wash through me in the quiet moments to myself, then leaving the dealing part to deal with. It's effective, but sometimes the heart grows weary, and sometimes gets numb from the being on the sharp edge of the knife.

Ah, but this heart is weary. All my life seems to be converging in on me, trying to happen all at once. It's wonderful, it's overwhelming, it's scary... And while I can take it all, serve them up on a platter and swallow the bitter pills that they sometimes are, I sometimes feel that this body is growing weak from lack of maintainence.

My heart is strong, but my body is weak, in more ways than one. There is a lethargy in my limbs that have set in from neglect. An almost surrender to the contours of the bed as I stretch my mind to its very limits. I have to put an end to that sooner or later, and I only hope it would be sooner.

But then, where I lack in physical strength, Asdil bridges the gap. Sometimes, all I really need is for him to hold my kitestring to make sure I don't fly too high up and disappear behind the clouds. I need him to tether me down when I'm too far, I need him to ground me in reality.

The strength he offers me can simply be the space between his arms and his chest. Or sometimes the crook of his neck where I burrow my face in as he encircles an arm around me. Or even his errant gesture of rubbing the side of my crown in assurance. And even just his hand reaching over to take mine. It doesn't take much. It's like time stops when I'm with him. And the demons that plague my thoughts decide to quiet down as I am wrapped in the moment.

I think in that way we compliment one another.

I kid you not, life has its moments. When it's hard, it really is. But those breath-catching moments, even if they are only a precious few, makes it all worth it. I can be strong, and I am strong, but the fight is only worth it if you have a reason to fight for. And I fight for the love of life, for my family, for my Asdil, for my friends, and for simply me and the future I want to have.

So, Heart, it's you and me. Let's see where this life takes us.

Love,
Hazlin

I haven't been writing. Well, that's just stating the obvious.

My head's been full, but my hands even fuller. And my heart feels empty.

Hence nothing fills this empty space.

So here are a few things from the top of my head:

• Raya was one of the most uneventful I've had in years. My dad had to leave for HR training in Sweden on the first day of eid. This means that (a) - we cannot go back to my mom's hometown in Kelantan, (b) - we are stuck in Seremban for the rest of Raya, and (c) - we won't be doing anything at all. So sure enough, we stayed at home, played games, watched tv, ate and sleep.
• Attended my ex-boss' wedding in Seremban and Melaka. Am so very very happy for him. If there was one person I really respected in WK in months gone by, it was him. He had faith in me and stuck by me all the way through despite all the crap stuff I got from my other superiors. It's nice to see him happy.
• I'm glad the fasting month is over. I can get back to my normal eating habits and lose all that I've gained. Yes, fasting month is not a month to lose weight as many might assume. It's the complete opposite.
• I was VERY VERY DISAPPOINTED that the one thing that I was craving for I did not get. I wanted BUBUR LAMBUK so bad. And I didn't even manage to find any. And I am still craving :(
• I'm considering joining a fitness programme cos since I started working, I've put on a lot of weight rapidly. 
• I would like to say that I prefer a subtle obsession for the Whedonverse. I do not like to gush about it nor do I like to discuss it out in the open for everyone to hear. I like to indulge in my infatuation quietly but surely.
• I am too proud. I need to tone it down. It has toned down some this past year, and yet, it needs to go down several notches lower.

That's all for the moment. I'm having too much of a brainfreeze to think of anything else.

Love,
Linzy

If it was possible, I'd liketo disengage my brain and put it in a box for a while so that I don't need to think. You know, like in comics or cartoons where they will take out their dentures before going to bed? I'd like to do that, unhinge my skull, and place my brain in a box for safekeeping, until I'm ready to put it back in.

Better yet, if I could run it through a washing machine, or dust out the annoying thoughts like pebbles in a shoe.

I just need a break from thinking. My mind is overdrive and there is no solace from it. I need comfort that these coming years will be void of all this, and yet, there is no assurance for anything. It's all a wildcard.

I cannot deal right now. The voices in my head are just jarring...I want them to stop stop STOP. I'm tired, and I don't need these unnecessary worries that weigh down this already weary mind.

Please make it stop.

I need to clear my head.

Sometimes I wish I could just fastforward this part of life and jump straight to the part where I am not insane with worries, not wracking my brains how to survive the next few weeks. Sometimes I wish I could just get to the part where I don't have to stare into space thinking about how to get through the month, when I don't have to have such short of patience because I'm constantly on edge.

But hey, if wishes were horses, right? I'd be bloody riding right now. The horses, I mean. Ahem.

Money troubles, house troubles, life worries, family worries; they all weigh down heavily on my shoulders, and quickly turning my hair white (so much so that Asdil has a fun time pulling them out and commenting how old I've gotten). Sometimes I don't need to go through this part of life and just click on the forward button.

But hell, we all know that these are the times that make you. It's difficult and just so damn painful, but these are the years that shape the things to come. I know all this, of course, but I just wish it wasn't so hard.

On the upside, though, I still have my family who loves me regardless. My mom, whom I, as of late, argue with way too much than usual, helps me through wherever she can despite it all. I am terribly guilty, and a terribly bad daughter this past year, and yet, the things she does for me is just unbelievable. My siblings, especially my sister, makes me smile and gives me the strength cos I know I have to be strong for my siblings. And Asdil, he's been with me every step of the way, been there when I cry my eyes out, and have just kept on loving me, even on days when I don't love myself. He's the one who has been there on days I'm alone, far from family...he's been so many things in one single person, and it's awesomeness.

So, for the most part, even when in pain, I can still say "screw it", I'm loved and that can be enough for me, even if I don't got anything else. These are trying times, and it can be hard just getting by a month, but despite it all, there are things life that are much much better than everything else. And most importantly, they are free :)

Love,
Linzy

Aku keliru dan buntu
Tidak tahu siapa yang silap
Is it me or you?
Tell me because my heart
Feels like it's split in two.

I have to admit, for the first time since I started my working life, I feel appreciated for my quality of work. I feel accomplished, like I'm part of something and I am contributing towards it. I feel like I am needed in order for this machine to function. I go to work with a sense of purpose, and responsibility lies heavy yet easy on my shoulders. I feel like for once, I am an employee.

Setar has been good to me my first month. Although I felt abit out place, I jived easily into the workflow. My colleagues and superiors are nice, and they help me and give me pointers every now and then. Although they are much much older than I am (most of them must be around my parents' age or older, even), they don't make me feel stupid and immature. The benefits here are great, as they give security to me as well as my family. And while the pay is not as great as before, it's a small price to pay for a sane mind.

Before, in Woter Kooler, I was trapped in their fishbowl. I felt as dumb as a 3-second memory goldfish who swam around the tank and was constantly scrutinized to the very detail. Oh, your eyes are too bugged out or Oi, your fins stick out at an odd angle or Hey there, your tail is out of shape. Like please, shut up. They're my eyes, my fins and my tail. And if they are not like yours, then leave me the hell alone. You cannot expect me to be the very same like all the other fish.

On top of that, I felt like a failure. I felt stupid, unwanted, good for nothing and a waste of space. Most days I spent the my time after work crying or staring into space feeling like a loser. I was weary of that. I was tired of sobbing uncontrollably in Asdil's arms being weak and insecure. I couldn't deal that way. I am not that kind of person. It was not fair to myself, unhealthy. I didn't recognize my own self in the mirror. I was a shadow of myself. It wasn't fair to the people I love having to bear the brunt of my insecurities and anger. I couldn't treat them that way. I just needed a way out.

And Setar was it.

Don't get me wrong, though. I miss my friends in Woter Kooler. Being in that team, made the torment bearable. With them, I could smile through my pain, even on days when I escape to cry in the restroom. They were good friends to me, and I felt accepted and well loved and happy. Unfortunately, it is not reason enough to stay.

At the end of the day, it's the work that matters. While earning the money that puts food in your belly, a shelter over your head and a bed to sleep in is the point of being employed and earning a good salary, you have to enjoy what you do. And you need to be appreciated for they work that you do so that you may stay on and keep on doing said work. You need it to stay sane, to be able to wake up each morning and want to continue living the way you do. We all need a reason to keep pushing on.

So for me, Setar is my saviour. Of course, it may be too early for all this to be said. It may be so that I ain't seen nothing yet, but I'm with the strength I've re-gathered after surviving my last experience, I am sure I can go though whatever they throw me. I think I am a much stronger person now than before. Just give me time.

I think I'll shine through.

Love,
Linzy

P/s: My one and only Asdil, thank you for putting up with me during those difficult times. Your patience and words  and comfort gave me strength when I had none. I love you.

I haven't been in the right frame of mind to talk about the things that have been happening for the past few weeks. Everytime I begin to attempt typing out my thoughts, I am stunted by my inability to write and/or put them into words. So here's what I've been doing these past few weeks

• I left WKESP officially on the 29th of April 2010. More specifically, I left Aust-B. I had a very very long cry, not being able to believe I won't be walking into that office again and see them each day. They gave me hugs, which made me cry harder and they all had a procession for me, walking me to the door, for one last time. Leaving them feels like letting go of family. But the best thing about family is that, they're always there for you. I'm halting any entries about leabving WK at the moment until I can sort out my thoughts and feelings.
• I moved out of Cyberjaya on the 30th of April. Ash did most of the job. I packed everything up and he loaded it into the van we borrowed from my uncle. Then we drove to PJ and he unloaded the van for me. I couldn't have done it without him (thanks Sayang). And of course, thanks to my family, too. Who helped me carry the second round of stuff. Yes, I have that much stuff...mostly books and clothes.  
• Starting on May 3rd, I am now an employee of the Star. To be specific, a sub-editor for the Star. The Star newspaper that I've been reading daily. Feels almost like a dream. It's different here, but I like it. Work-wise, I do feel very much more accomplished than how I felt in WK.
• I'm now living in PJ. Around the Tropicana area to be more precise. No, not next to Tropicana City Mall like people keep asking. It's near the Tropicana Golf Resort. The condo is called Bayu Puteri Tropicana. It's quite a nice place. House is a bit of a fixer-upper due to an irresponsible landlord, but I'll manage.
• Did I mention my working hours are from 4pm to 12am daily? Uhh, yeah, I start work at 4pm and leave for home around 12am. Wonderful hours for me, cos that's when I work best. And it's not like I have a nightlife anyway, so it's no problem for me. I get to see Ash in the daytime and spend more waking hours with him especially since now I live about 15 minutes away from him and not 50 minutes like when I was in Cyberjaya.
• I'm still getting used to my new area, new job, new schedule, new house...alot of things are still on my mind. But all in all, I'm feeling content right now; like things are falling into place, just need a few things sorted before they can fit even better.

Love,
Linzy

It's only days until I say goodbye to Wolters Kluwer for good. Only hours, in fact. Since if I were to offset my annual leave balance, I'd only have 3 hours and 45 minutes left to be in the office.

What do people call you?

Do your parents have a special name for you? How about your other relatives, do they have cutesy nicknames that only they use? Or does your circle of friends call you something in particular because of something you once did and that name just stuck? Think about it, do you have a lot of nicknames?

I know I do.

Let's see if I can list them down. Hazlin. Lin. Ayin. Haze. Hazelnut. Hazeline Snow. Linzy... And those are just the ones that pertain to my name; the ones I remember that is. I haven't included the other names I've been called due to some reason or other, like Tomatimmy (from the Arabic rootword tomatim, meaning "Tomato"). Why? Because I blush easily and profusely and get so red that I resemble a great giant tomato. And how about "The Responsible One"? I was given that because my friends thought that I was very responsible and always updated the rest of the group with news and whatnot so that we wouldn't be left behind in an assignment/test or something. I have lots, some of which I do not even want to mention, but you get the idea.

Commonly, I'm known as Lin or Linzy or Ayin (if you're family), if not called by my given name.

I don't really mind being called by my nicknames. Heck, to be honest, only a few people call me by my full name, and my full name is not even long, only two syllables. I sometimes feel disoriented when people call me Hazlin because it's so rarely used. So yeah, nicknames feel a whole lot more comfortable.

And honestly, I prefer to be called Lin, it's short and sweet (and I love how it means "soft/gentle" in Arabic and "waterfall" in old English) but to me it shows that I know that person enough to be comfortable with him or her calling me by a nickname. I don't like to be called Ayin by other people other than my family, because I've associated the name with people who are blood kin, or close enough to be treated so. When Ash wanted to call me Ayin once, I felt kinda funny, because for him to be calling me that made me feel like he was a brother or something :p Linzy is a name that is widely used now, although I very much would have preferred it to remain among my Twisties and Bendits. But expectedly, people hear it and use it and now it's use by everyone. Oh, and calling me Alin is a total NO; unless you want a death glare from me.

But why do we need nicknames?

I'm not against it having one, but something a classmate from Bosnia said to me made me think. She asked me once: Why do you Malaysians like to shorten your names and/or give yourselves nicknames? You have such beautiful names but you want to be called by a not-so-unique shorter name, even if your name is already short.

Why indeed do we do so? And is it really a Malaysian habit to shorten our names?

Come to think of it, yes, we Malaysians do like shortening our names; and it's almost expected. When I think back on times when I first meet people, or am required to introduce myself, the person asking my name would then ask; "What do people call you?", or I would be obliged to say: "You can call me Lin". Or sometimes in a situation where somebody keeps on repeating my full name, I would immediately say, "Oh, no need to call me Hazlin, just call me Lin".

It would sound to me that my friend has a point. Why so much effort into making up a nickname when a person has already been given a unique name painstakingly thought out by their parents (we'll leave out those with names with a negative meaning -- in which case they could have it changed -- and those who have too long a name)?

For me, well, I don't mind nicknames because it tells of the bond I have with the person. Like when I hear myself being called Linzy by the right people, I know they call me that because we share a type of friendship that is different from ones I have with others, and they know the history behind the name. And I feel all warm and fuzzy when Ash uses his nicknames for me, because it's an intimacy that only we share. My mother calls me Lin, even though every other family member calls me Ayin, because she and I go beyond the common bond of mother and daughter, we are best friends and confidantes, too.

But at the same time, yes, I do love my name. My actual given name. Hazlin. It's not particularly common; especially on it's own. Most times it is part of a longer name or accompanied by Siti or Nur, etc. So I suppose it is pretty unique. But at the same time, the use of it seems rather formal and impersonal. But the use of it makes also me sit up straighter, and take on a more professional stance, knowing I'm being referred to with respect.

It's funny, though, despite my liking nicknames; a colleague of mine has this habit of calling someone however she likes. She means no harm, it's just for fun, but I don't quite like it when she calls me Hazlinah or Siti Hazlin, or something like that. It feels as though she is making fun of my name, and giving me a name which isn't mine/referring to someone else.

And is it really a Malaysian habit? Well, of course it is not uniquely Malaysian, but it would seem to me that we are apparently very prone to doing so, this name-giving, name-shortening and such. Good or bad? You decide. I sit on the fence, as usual. I like it both ways.

I'm Hazlin, but you can call me Lin for short.

Love,
Linzy.

When I got out of my car this morning to walk up to my office, after parking it by the roadside, I saw in the morning's sunlight a chip in the paint of the car somewhere to the right side of the hood. Argh. This is the third one. And I hate it when I don't know how it got there.

If I know why a scratch is there, I could reconcile with the fact that I was careless. But if it's just suddenly there, then I get a mite tetchy on the origins of that offensive mar in the smooth exterior of my Sylvie (the Silver Viva). Yes, I can actually see your eyes rolling when I say this, Sayang, cos you know how dusty and dirty my car is at this point of time. I swear, I don't have the time to clean it.

Anyhow, all this fuss about car colours and paintjobs gave reminded me of arguments I often have with my father. Arguments that often leave me huffing in frustration. Why? Because he loves saying this:

"Alah, colour tu seasonal!"

Meaning: "Alah (said as negative exclamation that expresses disagreement or dismissal), that colour is seasonal".

Operative word: "Seasonal"

This is my father's most favourite word. And when he says it like above, that's pretty much the end of the argument. No buts, no ifs. That's it. And why does he say what he says? Ah, this is where I give you a little backstory.

My father is not the kind of person you'd request things like clothing, handbags, accessories from. First of all, he doesn't like buying them. Rather than buying those, he'd rather buy you a Nintendo DS. No, seriously. He will. And while some might think that that is fantabulously awesome, it's not when all you really want is a nice t-shirt. Or maybe, he will get you what you asked for, but in a really boring colour.

Okay, scenario: Say he goes to Japan, and you tell him: I want a t-shirt with nice cherry blossoms on them.
Likely end result(s): (a) He buys a Nintendo DS with cherry blossoms decorating it, or (b) he'll get what you want, but in a safe, and often drabby colour.

My father, for the most part, likes to play the safe card when buying something that he'd be owning for a long time. Like clothes, he'd rather get grey or black or white or brown. He'll never buy red or green or yellow. Unless someone gave it to him and he'd have to wear it. But even then, he'd probably only wear it once.

Same goes for cars. He'll only buy a black or silver or grey car. Which is fine if those were the only options. But cars come in so many wonderful colours now, but would he want to get a nice vibrant colour that shines beautifully in the sun. No. Simple as that.

I have argued with him way too often, and my anger has never been assuaged. It's just that I got so tired of his adamant reply. It's a seasonal colour. What I would very much like to say, but never will is: So what?

Come on, think about it. I would think that anyone would be excited about getting their first car. I know I was. Other than type, model and brand of car, almost certainly you'd have an ideal colour in mind. It's your first car after all. You'd want it to be something that reflects what you like.

I knew that when I started working, a car was in the cards. And there I was fantasizing about a beautiful blue car. Okay, so I wasn't really particular on what car it was. Just like a woman, you might think. But it's not like I had oodles of money to have the luxury to choose, so whatever that moves would have done me just fine. I just wanted a blue car. I've loved the colour blue since forever. It always made me think of skies. Also, I think that would save Ash from having to dump Chelsea-blue paint on my Sylvie likes he's been wanting to do :p

But you guessed it, my dad got me a silver Perodua Viva. Thing is, he didn't even consult me when he bought it. I didn't even know he was buying a new car. Next thing my mom knew there was a Viva in the garage. No one knew. He just got it.

Now you might say that my dad got it, I should be thankful. Yeah, I am. But, he could have at least asked what colour I liked. And besides, yes, he paid for the downpayment; but I'm paying for the monthly installments.

I'm not saying I don't love my Sylvie. I do. She serves me well and I take care of her the best I can. But when I see a nice blue Viva on the road. I get envious. Not just the blue, in fact. The red is nice, too. And the jade is also real eye-catching. Sometimes I wish I could have gotten another colour instead.

And when I ask my father why didn't he get another colour, I'd always get his typical reply: Buat apa, Ayin? Colour tu semua seasonal. Sekarang ni cantik la, lepas ni dah bosan tengok sebab semua orang pon ada colour tu. Baik beli colour macam ni. Original. Colour lain tu semua lama-lama nanti bukan trend dia dah. Lepas tu semua nanti nak tukar balik. Kereta nak simpan lama, nak ke tengok colour boring macam tu lama-lama? Ah, seasonal je tu.

Translation: What for, Ayin? All those other colours are seasonal. Now it may look nice, but soon it will be terribly common because everyone else will have the same colours. It's better to have a colour like this (silver). It's classic. Those other colours will soon be out of style. Then soon everybody would want to change back to normal colours. Cars are meant to be kept for a long time; do you really want to look at a common, seasonal colour like that for that long? They're all just seasonal.

Queue seething anger. But --- I like blue! Whether or not it is in "season", I will always like blue. Blue has always been my favourite colour. Everybody knows that. I was easily spotted in campus cos I was almost always in a blue tudung. Ask me this year, and the next year or next decade, or go back in time by another decade, I would still say I want blue. What really is the problem? I'll be the one driving it anyway.

But then, it's no use. My father is not the kind of person you'd argue with. You cannot argue with him. You will never win. And he is too intimidating and can get quite angry, so you cease argument at a certain point. And that is that.

I love my father. But sometimes his stubbornness and hard-headedness really grates me. But then again, now you see where I got it from, eh?

Love,
Linzy