Sup3rnality

Detached. Separated. Cut off. Disconnected. Removed. Those are the words to describe how I’ve been feeling. How I’ve been acting. It’s like all of sudden I feel like I don’t want to feel. It hits me so hard, in a blink of an eye and the next thing I know I’m not aware of what I’m doing. I’m just going through the motions and don’t really register my surroundings.

That was what was wrong with me…especially on Thursday night, during our beloved lecturer Sir Abdel’s going away party. That night, after leaving the party to go home, I realized just how I acted. I was a bit off, I know. I was being slightly hyperactive and I probably said things that didn’t make sense or was just weird, even from me. You see, I have finally figured out my defense mechanism. I’ve come to understand how I response to overwhelming situations that I can’t seem to handle.

There are times when things happen and I just can’t take it. I can’t handle being sad and depressed; and when they become too great to bear, I shut down my ability to feel and to think rationally. I let myself go so I don’t need to remember what I am truly feeling. I put on a front, a mask if you will so people couldn’t see the conflicting emotions. This has happened many times and the reason why I blabbing all of this is probably to justify my actions the other day. I know I was a little weird that day and I’m sorry if I said something wrong. Just bear with me when I get like that again ok?

Well, besides that, things have been ok in my department. Not many things have been happening to talk about. I was on the PS2 all weekend. I haven’t done that in months. I’ve been neglecting it and I have to admit I have gotten a bit rusty playing Harvest Moon although I still could slay vamps in a second in Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds. Oh, and I’ve finally started Van Helsing, It’s been there form months yet I’ve never tried it. I have to say it’s a really cool game. And the best thing is that you never run out of bullets and all that. Yup, another demon slaying game for me. Hmm…and another cool game I’ve started playing is Primal. This is also a demon slaying game. Think of a more goth Buffy transported to another dimension to fight evil. But really, I find this game really cool. The character’s name is Jennifer Tate and the game has a really cool storyline. Oh, and instead of a Watcher, she has a wise gargoyle named Scree. So yeah, that’s what I’ve been doing. I haven’t been doing much. Just concentrating on keeping my temper in check. When I’m all tense like I was, I tend to unintentionally snap at people. So all I did was try to kick back and relax all weekend.

So now I’m back here listening to the annoying party they have down at the court... I don't understand why they have to be so loud. I mean REALLY LOUD. Don't they know that people wanna study or in my case, write a blog entry?

Anyways, I'm signing off. The whole tussle I went through just to use the internet wore me out. Going now.. Bye!

Ist September 2004

I'm cold
Rigid
But I could melt like snow
Cold as ice
My shoulder
Here's my shoulder.
Could you...?
Break the ice
There's not enough warmth
For me to share
With anyone
With no one
Alone
Is it warm on the other side?
I heard the wall talking
Heard the fence whisper
Of sun and stars
They thaw
Frozen hearts
Cold shoulders
Sun and stars...
What are they?
Are they you?
Are they you?
Are you true?

31st of August 2004

I have a blanket
I have a blanket that covers me
Warm and comforting
Moulding and welcoming.
I hide underneath it
From the cold, from the stares
I am naked
Not to the touch
But to the eyes
Roving and plundering
I am violated
Insults singe me to the bone
Invisible scars tear at my flesh
So many secrets to hide
Where do I put them?
They are bare on my skin
Branded like cattle
They can see...
They know where I live
I close my eyes
But stares pierce through lids
I am naked
I am bare
Not without my blanket
I'm with my blanket
It'll keep me warm
I am safe.

Surprisingly, I have nothing to say. And that’s saying something. It’s rare for me to not have anything to write about. I find it weird. Sometimes my mom would offer me a buck to keep quiet for 5 minutes. I’ve even got cello tape threats before. I know that given the right person, the right atmosphere and the right time, I can talk my heart out. And usually that leads to either someone wanting to sew my mouth shut or the person would be enlightened, although on the enlightening bit, that happens like once in a blue moon.

I guess I’m just feeling plain happy. Usually it’s when I’m sad, angry or just bitter that I start rambling. When I’m in that state, I can make words flow like water either on pieces of paper or on the screen of a monitor in time to the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard. But it seems that I am neither sad nor angry so I have nothing in particular for me to rant about.

By the way, I am currently reading this book called Fugitive Pieces by Anne Michaels. I have to say that this is really a breathtaking book. I mean it. Excuse my clichéd words used to describe it but I really can’t find other words. The flow of the prose is beautiful. It’s like reading poetry in prose form. I love the imagery she provides in the book. Every feeling is made substantial as if you can use all your senses to relish it. I may have not finished the book just as yet, but already I rank it as one of my favourite books. Reading this brings out the poet in you. The words that are in this book inspire the mind to write. You can’t help but want to pick up a pen and try to imitate the lyrical beauty of the story. I like this particular phrase: Sometimes the body experiences a revelation because it has abandoned every other possibility. I think that line is just so beautiful… But there are lots of other lines. All mind bending, soul searching; but to mention it here would take away what makes it so special. You have to read the book to understand why such is said.

The story is about a boy who survived the Holocaust. The entire story is about his life after the Holocaust and his search for his sister. He never knew whether his sister lived or died so he often wondered of her fate. You-Know-Who-You-Are, I know that if you’re reading this, you’ll start accusing me of being Pro-Jews and that you’ll call me and tell me that I’m a Jewish spy here to infiltrate the Holy Grounds. But I really do like reading books and watch movies or documentaries on the Holocaust. There’s nothing wrong with that. I know that I’m a Muslim and that they are Jews but Islam doesn’t promote hatred. So You-Know-Who-You-Are, I don’t see why you call me an Israeli spy.

Anyways, get this book. Seriously. You won’t regret buying this. Well, even if you do, that’s not my problem. As usual, I get my books from Payless Books where the books are so much cheaper. And of course, the best thing is that you can just pick a book at random and not feel guilty for splurging money on a book. I mean, if you were in MPH or Kinokuniya, you really have to choose your book carefully cos one book itself costs a bomb. But for me, I just stroll into Payless and grab whatever book I want. For you people who don’t know what shop in the world is Payless Books or have never entered Payless, I pity you. Especially if you’re the readalot kinda person. This shop is Heaven. I can stay in there for hours at a time. Sarah and me are Payless experts. I can tell you the genres available and where each section is. I can also tell you which Payless has the best choice of books and which Payless not to go to. But back to what I was saying, get that book: Fugitive Pieces by Anne Michaels.

Hmmm…I was passing by the bathroom just now and I just couldn’t believe my eyes. You know, the bathroom in my college has several sections. The outer section has a sink meant to for washing dishes and hands and there’s also a water cooler. Then there are 2 sections where they provide a big sink for you to wash clothes, and then there are the taps where you take your air sembahyang or ablution, there are sinks along with huge mirrors to wash your face and brush your teeth, there are the toilets, and of course the shower cubicles. With all these specific sections for every use, why in the world of UIA does this particular girl like to shower by the sink??? You see, almost everytime I pass by the bathroom around 6pm or so, there’ll be this girl wrapped in a kain just selambe mandi right in front of everyone. I know that she is quite amply covered but still… There’s a shower cubicle provided! And it’s not like it was full or anything! She just stands there and shampoos and scrubs for all to see. I mean, I just can’t see why she has to bathe there. It seems like a whole lotta inconvenience. Why take the trouble to use energy to lift a bucket of water onto your head when there’s a shower there for you to use where you just have to stand under it??? Why why why? I just don’t get it… The only explanation I can come up with is that she’s claustrophobic… If that’s true, I wonder how she goes to the toilet then?

Hmmm. I’ve finally figured out how the Holy Grounds is gonna exterminate us: Death by Nasyid. Yup, you read right. We’re gonna be killed slowly by nasyid. You see, they play it at the most inappropriate times. Right in the afternoon when you’re tired and want to have a short snooze and every morning starting at 7am until 8am. And it’s so LOUD! God, don’t they think. We get tired and we need rest between classes. Can’t they respect that? Seriouly, it’s so annoying. I know it’s nasyid and all that, it’s suppose to be good. But when you blare it on the speakers at such and inane time, they’ll only get cursed rather than blessed. So don’t be surprised if one day I get admitted to a mental ward or just die from such a torture.

So, well, that’s it. That’s all I have to say. Bye everyone… Have a safe weekend all. Don’t go hitting people with cars or run around in the nude during the night or sing at the top of your lungs along the corridor while doing a silly dance or run full speed into a wall or perve on fictional characters. All those and more could lead to serious injuries… Believe me. Hehe….bye people. Love ya all!

“What can I tell you baby? I’ve always been bad…”-Spike in Fool for Love, Season 5, Episode 7

That’s exactly what I’ve been for the past few weeks… I’ve been bad. I mean, the weeks have been a bit too innocent. Well, not innocent in the sense where nothing has been happening. I mean, besides me and Fizzy’s “sudden horny-ness” as Sarah has claimed, there have been things; it’s just that the things just don’t pass the bad test. So, come on, I had to do a little something at least.

So you see, one fine day, Fizzy, Sarah and me were just a-walking on the Holy Grounds with nothing in particular to do. We passed by the IRKHS Department and me, with my eyes always sharp to spot the slightest of potential-trouble-thingies, spotted one of those, well, thingies. Whaddaya know? It was a matric card gone astray; probably dropped by a careless owner. Being me, I just had to pick it up… And since Fizzy is somewhat of an illegal immigrant on the Holy Grounds, I showed her the card. Hehe... so of course we peeled of the semester sticker to make Fizzy ‘legal’… Oh, by the way, let me set things straight here; Sarah the oh-so ‘innocent’ one did not participate in the violation of this poor ol’ matric card. She was merely a spectator who was there with us. Although she did provide me with the idea to clip the matric card high up in the tree like a Christmas Tree ornament. As you can see:

[As you can see....here's the glorious card]

Hahaha….so that has to pass for something right? I mean, it’s been a boring month… I should be entitled to a little badness. Of course, I have to owe my badness to my mentor Hamzah. According to him, “UIA will never cleanse me from sitting behind him in Form 5”. Yup, just have to owe it to him.

Yeah, I guess I’ve been missing old times… All of sudden I’ve realized just how long ago I’ve actually spent quality time with my friends. Just how long ago I’ve seen all this dudes and duddettes…Well, but then again, with the stupid move to Seremban and all; I can’t really help it. If not I’ll be hanging around in Secret Recipe, McDonald’s or The Italian Kitchen just catching up with the going-ons in my friends’ lives.

I miss my school friends mostly; never mind the fact that I couldn’t care less about my old school. I’m just so darn relieved that I’m out of there… Well, it’s been yonks since I’ve met these old friends of mine; my partners-in-crime… Fairuz I go out with occasionally cos she’s the one who is always around. But however often I see them, I miss them all the same. Even if I never liked school, these people were the highlights of my school days, they are the ones who kept me sane and were always there when I needed to talk.

[L-R: Me, Fairuz and Iylia. Just hanging around at my house in Shah Alam.]

[One of the stupid things we did during the 6 month break! Hahah....but we had fun... L-R: Fairuz, Iylia and me...]

[L-R: Iylia, Me and Aima. This was taken in a 7-11 in Section 9]

[Fairuz and me during the ELS Retro Party]

FAIYLIN; Fairuz, Aima & Iylia… I miss you guys loads. Fairuz, my partner-in-crime back in Shah Alam; shopping together, organizing ELS get-together parties, taking crazy photos, singing til our voices were raw… We had the craziest times. Never being ‘normal’. Always doing things our way. Never wanting to conform to the ‘others’…We rocked, huh? We still won’t back down…until now. Screw all those crazy stereotype b*tches! Heheh…and remember YEAH??? That environmentalist thing we did? Whoa, those were good times. Doesn’t matter that we went through Hell just to finish up that project of ours. Playstation almost everyday for 6 months??? I sooo beat you playing You Don’t Know Jack. Heheh…Whatever it is, you’re one great dudette. Thanx for being a friend.

Iylia, I’ve known you since kindergarten…eventhough back then you used to bully the Hell out of me and I always had to complain to the teachers. It was only later that we found out we got along great despite our differences and we’re still good friends til now… We had lots of fun, didn’t we? Crazy pictures together with Fairuz, crazy drives around Shah Alam, mall hopping in Shah Alam, shopping and all that… That was crazy! Especially that 6 months gap we had after we finished our SPM? Wow, we were out almost every weekday driving to Damansara and stuff… Heheh…We were crazy right that time…? And always will be I suppose.

Aima, you were a new student in my class back in 1996… Then I found out that you were once the best friend of my cousin Wan Nadiah (who I am very close to). After that we became we started hanging out …Then, add Fairuz and Iylia to the mix, well, we get us. And I could never forget your driving… Damn, I could get a heart attack. I mean, seriously. Dahlaa you drove a Proton Waja which is super bulky that day, and you were speeding and swerving like mad. I was gripping the seats cos I kept getting thrown around in the back. Dudette, your driving is scary…And I haven’t seen you for like half a year… Miss you so much.

[My dear friend Suneetha]

Suneetha, I’ve known you since when? Standard 1 right? Man, that was a long way back…Time goes by and the then we were tossed into the same boat… although I have to say, your part of the boat was a lot worse than mine. We hung out every morning before class started, telling stories and stuff. And you were always there when I needed to talk. I haven’t seen you in a year… I hope you’re alright. Your birthday was on the 22^nd of August, happy belated birthday… I hope you had a great day. Eventhough I don’t see you as often as I want to, you’re still a very dear friend. Hope you’re doing ok…

[Hamzah aka Harry Potter aka Gorilla aka Celcom Boy aka Hamverine etc]

Hah, Hamzah… Celcom Boy, Asam Boy, Gorilla, Hamverine, Harry Potter… Man, we sure had a lot of names for you. But then, whenever you got a new nickname, I got one as well; Hermione, Lin Grey… heh, yup, you were my partner-in-crime in class. Dropping accounts together, talking and never listening to whichever teacher who was teaching in front… From you I learned that I could actually throw quite well (remember that incident when I threw that eraser from the back of the class and it hit you square on the back of your head? Serves you right…. You do remember why I did that right?), learned that we should leave the library before the school bell rings (cos we got trapped in the library and you had to climb out the window, the THIRD FLOOR window! What if you fell??? Only to realize we weren’t trapped after all…it was just that the doorknob was faulty), never to play truth or dare with you, never to play Twister with anyone wearing socks (that’s you dearie…remember that time when we played Twister at Nadia’s with Alfred and Fairuz?), and that guys could be made into a best friend…. Thanks. Damn, we had great times….Apparently, your evilness rubbed off on me… Now I’m the one wreaking havoc in UIA. Hehe, and you asked me to change my pic to a smilier one; well, I did. I hope that’s better. Oh, and Hamz, how’s this pic of yours? Good for publicity yeah? I know you’re trying to be a playboy, thought I’d help add a bit of publicity…Nasib baik I didn’t put those arrows like the last time *laughs*

[Alfred, I know you're obsessed with hamsters]

Hah, Alfred aka Fahrol. My little brother supposedly. To think that I was once thought of you as an annoying little guy who worked in the Koperasi back in school with me. Now you’re waaaay taller than me (making me feel like a bloody midget) and no longer as annoying. Naa, kidding la. You’re not annoying. Maybe you’re a pest…. Kidding again. Heh, I caught up with you just a couple of weeks ago in Shah Alam. Glad to know you’re ok and stuff after all those false alarms which made me go to Shah Alam to look for you only to find out that you were on a holiday and on the other incident you just didn’t have any credit. I still owe you a strangling for making me worry like that. But whatever it is, you’re still a great little bro and a great friend. Thanx. Oh, and since you told me that it is haram for me to take a picture of you, I decided to put pics of hamsters since you like them so much.

[All the BENdits in one picture!!!! In front of Jaya Supermarket on Sarah's birthday. L-R: Fizzy, me, Aaina, Zeph, Sarah, Liyana, Julia and Anis]

[At Times Square. We had great fuun on all the rides! L-R: Fizzy, me, Aaina, Sarah, Zeph and Julia]

[Our drama presentation: LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD!!! With me starring as Little Red Riding Hood! Top, L-R: Sarah, Aaina, Lina and Julia. At the bottom is me and Anis. We had fun eh?]

[Zeph's surprise Birthday party! This is us with our cute little Poetry lecturer Miss Adibah at the LP]

[This is us with our beloved Prose Lecturer Sir Abdel who'll be leaving soon. L-R: Fizzy, Liyana, Zeph, Julia and Anis. And of course Sir Abdel]

[L-R: Me, Zeph, Julia and Sarah in OU]

[L-R: Anis, Ash, Julia, Sarah and Fidzy. At the bottom is Liyana and Zeph sticking out her tongue. This in Poetry Class AX 201]

[L-R: Zeph, me, Sarah and Aaina. Having a drink in Amcorp, we watched Ju-On after this]

[Me and Sarah getting geeky]

And last but not least, my fellow BENdits (Fizzy, Sarah, Zeph, Julia, Anis, Liyana and Aaina) whom I met on the Holy Grounds of UIA (I know I said school friends but UIA is a school, well, sort of, and I haven’t seen most of you since forever). Who would have thought that I’d find great friends there? I thought the only people I’d meet there would be a bunch of heavy religious people who don’t know how to have a bit of a laugh every now and then. But there you guys were… It was all fate. Me turning around to ask Julia

something and deciding to talk to her then follow her to the LP (Lepak Place) where I then met Zeph and Liyana. Then after sitting in class with Julia, I met Sarah and Aaina. Then when walking around with Julia, we bumped into Anis and we started talking. Lastly, after getting a bit scared of Fizzy in poetry class, I got to know her better after grouping up for our Poetry assignment. You guys kept me sane on the Holy Grounds. You guys were there whenever I needed someone to talk to or to have a laugh with. We had great times, huh? Cutting class to go watch a movie, hanging out at the LP, our trips to 14, gossiping and creating noise in class, silly presentations and everything else. You guys are great. Damn I miss all those. Now Julia and Zeph have both left UIA and Anis is in the main campus. I see Fizzy and Liyana only once in a while. Even Aaina I get to talk to only during class or when we happen to meet. Well, at least Sarah is my roomie and partner-in-crime in shopping. May we raise Hell on the Holy Grounds of UIA.

Whatever it is, I miss all of you guys loads! I mean it. I’m sorry if I didn’t mention anyone else. But you guys know who you are laa… If you call yourself a friend of mine then I miss you all the same. And I love all of you a lot. Take care and keep in touch!

[Ugh...he's just a pathetic basketball player in the movie. For like 10 seconds!]

Oh, and before I go… Check out this picture! I was watching the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie which came out in 1192 and guess who I saw in it? Yup, it’s Ben Affleck. Well, I think it’s him… His name didn’t even come out in the credits! And he was there for only 10 seconds or so. How sad. But I really do think it’s him. Like come on, look! Who else has that face??? Hehehe… to think that now he’s a bloody millionaire!

Okie dokie people...I'm done. Bye!