Sup3rnality

In the short moments I managed to find the solace of sleep after many restless and sleepless nights, I dreamed deep and found you there. Your arms were the welcoming comfort I've been longing for, and you held them out for an embrace that calmed the troubled waters of my heart.

And in all the days spent in the moments of that brief dream, I believed it was true, thought it was really you in ways that only you could be. But I stirred, and my hand clutched emptily at the void on the bed, and I felt the shatter of a hope that brought me to tears yet again.

Saturday morning, I was being seduced into cheating on Asdil.

In a dream, that is.

But it felt real. So real that I woke up feeling uneasy, feeling like something was wrong and that there was dirt on my hands that needed washing off. But there was also a sense of relief, knowing that the dirt was there not because of my own volition.

I dreamt that a man wanted me, knowing full well I was not to be had by anyone else but Ash. I remembered him at first just hanging out with me innocently as friends and nothing more. But then I noticed him inching closer, finding excuses to make subtle skin contact with me. It felt like all kinds of wrong, him touching me, and yet he just couldn't be deterred.

I was uncomfortable and scared; as it became more apparent he wanted more than just spend some time with me having coffee or such. And when I tried to make a get away, he grabbed me by the waist from behind and tried to kiss me. I don't remember what I did then, but I wrestled my way out, disgusted. He was frustrated and angry, saying we had chemistry and that we'd work together, better than anyone else could. I remember telling along the lines: that I already belong to somebody, willingly and wholeheartedly, and we fit perfectly together.

Waking up from that left a bitter taste in the mouth, violated.

But I remembered the most important thing about that dream: Even despite it being a dream, my own subconscious, I'd choose my Asdil over anyone else. I couldn't want for more than what we have. I am content as his and only his.

When I told Ash about my dream, we joked about it. But jokes aside, I hope you know Sayang that what I say in the dream is not a random words tumbling out of my mouth, but it was what I really felt and thought. I have no desire to in any way risk the love we share.

It reminded me of what my mom told me once, after watching a talkshow about cheating wives. She said that women who are content with their partners would never stray. It is not in their nature. Women are, for the most part, in it for the longhaul, and those who walk out the door (putting aside those who are abused/mistreated etc, of course) are often discontent, want attention, or don't know what they want etc. And I somehow have Elton John's "Sacrifice" video playing in my mind now...

I'd like to think just that. Like what my mother said. Why would I want to stray? I am content. I am loved. And I belong. I couldn't ask for more. He gives me all that I want and more. And he makes me feel exactly how I've wanted to feel.

Love,
Linzy

It's the little things that could make everyday life wonderful. Often it's not the over the top gestures that get me, but the often taken-for-granted things that are often overlooked that gets me, and it puts on a smile on my face the whole day.

The little things that I love in my everyday life:

• Waking up to a wonderful sight of dawn.
• The janitors around my apartment (the one at my old block C1 especially) who are always ready with a "good morning, miss".
• Upon reaching my office building, stopping by at the side of the road to buy my morning dose of nasi lemak and/or meehun (or I eat it for tea time or lunch if I'm not going out). The man who sells the nasi lemak is always smiling and very friendly.
• My team's spam mails that we send each other, but really, it's the accompanying commentary that is really fun, not the original content of the email itself.
• My one-on-one lunch sessions
• The small gestures that he presents me with that may seem small and insignificant to some, but means the world to me
• Cooking dinner (when I do cook)
• Chatting with my housemates, or colleagues
• My gtalking with my mom/Sarah/Raqib and occasionally others
• Reading my daily comic, LICD
• Our saying goodnight to each other before I go to bed.

There is more than this, and perhaps I've even typed all this out before. But these things are so beautiful to me that it needs constant repeating. It's really the simple things that makes life all the better. And I thank God for letting them happen every day. And I thank God that I still have everyday to have these things.

Love,
Linzy

My mind is anywhere but at work. It is too far to catch and too distant to be called out to. But it wouldn't even want to come back, nor would it turn around if called. My mind would just turn around and find itself flying higher to where it can be anywhere but here. I am lost in a cloud of daydreams.

I feel like I am both physically and mentally at home in bed. Amongst soft pillows, sinking into the mattress, blankets warming, and arms around a bolster that is bushuk...perfect. The reality is, though, that I am sitting here, freezing and blinded by glaring fluorescent lights and monitor screen. It feels so surreal being here in this bright office, a stark contrast of where I'd rather be, It is as though this is just a dream I am having, as I doze off peacefully to the feel, the sights and the sounds of my room. I am not here.

But yes, here I am gazing into space, eyes unfocused on nothing in particular and mind stuck on replay of the weekend past. And I can't see anything else beyond that. My sights are filtered by a screen that can only see through a fog of memories that refuses to dissipate. My mind does not want to give up the fantasy of this still being a weekend of leisurely leisure; when time stands still to accommodate my blatant ignorance of time passing.

And yet, time has gone ticking by, almost unforgiving. Because I am at work, and the subject of my incessant mind-wanderings is far away again. And there won't be his familiar smile to greet me at the FSBM's lobby entrance to chase away the day's exhaustion and weariness, or his hand to hold on to for silent reassurance. Not until a long passing of days.

So I'll be here at work. And I'll return from work. And it'll be cruelly back to normal. Until the next time, Mine.

I miss you too much already.

Yours,
N.e-Q

I read this post on Facebook which was put up by Idzaid and thought it'd be fun to list out these 25 random things about myself. Turns out, it was quite harder than I thought. My typing slowed down at about #11 or so, and I had to think hard about what else was there about myself that I could actually publish for public consumption. So, I ended up with this list... Maybe I'll add another 25 more if I think of any :)

Tagged by Idzaid Idros

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you!

1. I am in love.
2. I am acrophobic and ranidaphobic.
3. When I was a kid, I loved science very very much and wanted to be either a scientist or a doctor/vet. I'll actually watch them documentaries with operations in them. As time went by, they were reduced to being just hobbies. Now, I know for sure that even if I was good at it, I can never see myself doing anything of the sort.
4. I, for the life of me, cannot ride a bike.
5. My biggest fear is rejection.
6. I got the inspiration to pursue English as a degree (and hopefully more) and also as a career when I was 11; from my cousin-in-crime, Kak Ana.
7. When I'm in my own space, clothing is optional...hehe, I have nudist tendencies. That's why I try to avoid sharing rooms :p (Thankfully, in my new apartment, I'll have the master bedroom all to myself)
8. I can watch all sorts of graphic, bloody movies where people get cut up, or lose their limbs in battle or get tortured etc. And while watching, I can nonchalantly eat. But show me or let me hear someone brushing their teeth, and I start gagging.
9. I know I'm weird, but it's ok if you want to tell me that; I kinda like it.
10. My vice is clothes. I can never have too many of them. And lingerie, too. (It's such an irony, cos it clashes with point #7)
11. For many years now, I've been dreaming of owning a cafe. It should have a cosy atmosphere with regular open mic nights. Think 'The Bronze' without the dancing, or perhaps 'The Espresso Pump'.
12. I always have dreams where I'm the commander on the frontlines of war. Often I'd dream about the preparations before the battle, or about the end, where I'd give my life to save another.. Quite gloomy. Anyone a dream reader?
13. My Deadly Sins ranked, as suggested by Tickle.com, are as follows: 1. Pride, 2. Lust, 3. Greed, 4. Gluttony, 5. Sloth, 6. Envy, and 7. Wrath.
14. My ultimate dream in life is to get married to the man I love, have wonderful kids, make my family happy and have a fulfilling life.
15. I want to write a paper that would first of all affirm the importance of literature. With that being said, I'd continue to present how literature influences/provokes discourse and thinking/ideas/philosophy, whilst merging it with the Whedonverse.
16. I have a slight case of OCD. Some things need to be a certain way or I get a mite tetchy.
17. I have an obsession for cheese.
18. I think Nature's best wonders are the smell of rain, the dawn/sunset and waterfalls.
19. I hope to be a scholar, have a good career, be the daughter that my parents can be proud of, be a good wife, be a good mother, and be a good person overall.
20. I am perpetually optimistic, even when I'm complaining.
21. When I'm charged and determined, I have this song playing in my head: These Boots Were Made for Walking.
22. I'm glad to say that throughout my life (so far), a majority of my friends, old and new, have stood by me and stayed friends. This, I feel, is a great accomplishment. You guys know who you are :)
23. The most important things in life, to me, are: Family, Friends and Faith. In a word: Love.
24. My favourite movie themes are: War, Dystopia, History/Periodic, Horror/Thriller.
25. My thoughts, ideas and discourse are majorly influenced by Joss Whedon (i.e. Buffy, Angel, Firefly/Serenity, Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog)

Love, Lin~

I tend to have a little lie in every morning as soon as I wake up. I'd open my eyes, look at the time, then roll over and pull my blanket up around me and hold my bolster closer, and then I'd have myself a sinful amount of snoozing.

Sometimes my mom says I wake up late; I don't, actually. I wake up quite early. It's just that some days the bed seems too tempting to get out of.

Today was no different. I woke up to the sounds of the primary school assembly from the school behind my house. The annoying teacher's grating voice I hear every morning (I assume she's the headmistress) is enough to wake the dead up, nevermind myself. And yet, I managed to find myself in deep slumber again.

Deep enough to dream.

And so I dreamt. I don't remember any lead-ins to the dream, the next thing I know I was in the car with my cousin, Kak Anna, or Kanna, and she told me that I got the job I wanted: as a sub-editor with Wolters-Kluwer. I don't know why it was her who was the one to announce it, but there she was waiting in a car all smiley and knowing. She said to me that I got the job, and I got sooo happy.

A sign? Hopefully.

The dream then jumps to my moving in with Ayus. I dreamt that we were in the lift taking stuff up to her place and she was struggling away looking for her keys. There were some clumsiness and craziness along the way, as well as a cat getting caught in the mix; not unusual I'd say. I don't remember the jumbled mess that comes later, but it revolved around the apartment as well...

Another good sign? Maybe.

Maybe I'm wanting this just so bad...that I'm even dreaming it. With the getting hired and the moving in to a new place. Phew, lets hope I really do get it.

Love, Lin~

Not 10 minutes ago, I fell asleep in front of this computer while copying my recent entry onto my Xanga blog. I guess I've been so tired from my erratic sleep that I could actually fall into deep sleep despite it only being minutes of shuteye. I better get my sleeping habits straight.

The short lil snooze in front of my laptop must have been rather deep, seeing how I actually managed to dream something quite substantial. You know, when the dreams are not just jigsaws but actually a story with a plot? Yeah, that's what happened just a few minutes ago.

In the dream, I had a date with Ash (Sayang, I must be missing you so damn much to have dreamt of you) and promised to go meet him at this apartment. I actually went there by motorbike, and yes, I was the one riding it; which in itself is a wonder seeing how a) I can't even balance on a bicycle, and b) I am scared of riding motorbikes. I got to where he was waiting, without much fuss, and he was there with 6 other people, 3 guys and 3 girls.

Nope, I didn't know any of them. The girls all look the baik-baik type, all demure buta lil bitchy, while the guys seemed like the louder, more obnoxious set. I wondered why they were there with us but didn't say anything. Since we were at this apartment; we were not in an apartment, but outside and waay downstairs and the parking lot, or void deck. They were laughing and calling out to their friend on some floors up telling him to come down, but he didn't want to.

Then we went to a restaurant and Ash and I were the last one to sit down, and the girls all had their eyes on me. Looking at me with that I-know-something-you-don't-know look. I was puzzled but shrugged it off since I don't know them. Then one of the guys addressed privately, and obviously asked about me since he was looking in my direction many times. Again, I just pretended not to care.

Later, Ash told me that they wanted me to join them. And they were somesort of cult. Ash was newly initiated, and since they had to be in pairs, the next step was for me to be a part of it too. I was reluctant. Very. Cos I didn't know what it was about. And I never did, cos that was where the dream ended.

When I woke up, for a while I thought it was real cos it seemed so. Despite it being very brief, and the sleep itself was even less than half-an-hour, it felt as though it really happened. Now I'm wondering whether it means anything...hehehe.

But then again, with my lack of sleep and my watching some few weird movies lately, I'm not surprise to have dreamt that. In the past few days I've watched Believers, Numb3rs, Joshua, 28 Weeks Later and many many other thrillers, so it's no wonder. Especially since Believers is about a weird sect of religion and the episode of Numb3rs I watched was also about a cult. So yeah, no wonder.

So, back to reality now. I have guests coming over today so the house needs some spick-and-spanning. It's a college friend of my parents who used to babysit me and call me Cik Bedah, so he's pretty close even if we don't see him often. The last time we met him must have been about 2-3 years ago.

So, signing off for now. Bye.

~Linzy

The dream, or possibly dreams I had last night was pretty interesting, if not weird. I say 'dreams' because we have several dreams in a night whether we realize it or not, and often they bleed into one another, therefore giving the impression that they are one.

So anyway, there's this dream I had the night before; an odd combination it was indeed.
I cannot remember them in chronoligal order, of course. Even if I did, it is not like it would make any better sense than if it wasn't. But anyhow..

I think it started somewhere about Ash and me out together. There were two other people who were with us, I'm not sure who but I am quite positive it was Fidzy and Shu. For some reason, we were breaking and entering into places unknown and forbidden... I don't know where but we were climbing over gates and were sneaking past to some restricted areas. I have no idea why.

Then we jump to another scene. There's just me and another person now, though I am not sure who. The main focus here is me, because I am in this wide valley with no cover except for the tall grass. And I needed cover cos I was apparently being chased by a T-rex. Crouching low and running fast was what brought me to the next scene.

Some part of this dream echoes my craving for Nelson's Pick'n'Mix frozen yoghurt which I haven't had in the longest time. Maybe I'm craving it so much it made an appearance... or well, non-appearance. Ash and I were in a mall, when I told him I was craving for that frozen yoghurt (like I was telling him the other day at Amcorp). Miraculously, we found a Nelson's stall, and I ordered my yoghurt. I turned around for a second or so, and when I got back to the lady at the counter and repeated my request, she told me they were fresh out. So instead, I asked for the ice-cream... And so she started making it, and when I wanted to take it, a dude claimed it was his. Turns out, he even took the yoghurt I wanted earlier. At this point, Ash punched the dude and yelled at him.

And the next thing I know, I'm a third person observer watching a spiderman-ish game except it's a monkey crawling around. This monkey just went around and around, then I find out that it was looking for it's owner, a dude wearing a funny yellow fedora-ish hat.

And that's when the dreams end. Weird? Yeah, I would think so. Pretty weird combination, too. But the theme, where I'm running from/chasing something as well as fighting is still prevalent. A reoccuring theme in all my dreams... I wonder what it means? Anyone here a dream reader?

Love, Linzy~

Friday afternoon. I am home after the weekly journey of railway transportations that, while too routine to be exciting, has never lost its flavour. Did not sleep much the night before, too occupied with the literature available at my disposal. Home meant rest, and I looked forward to taking full advantage of that.

Rest meant a cozy affair with pillows surrounding me, luring me into the arms of sleep. And so it did.

We dream. We all do. Every single time we sleep long enough to enter upon REM sleep, we dream. Even if we do not remember, we actually do. And for me, those dreams that seem the most real, the ones that I remember the most are the ones that are born of fatigue and weariness. And I remembered this one.

It's been a long time since I've had ones like this. The kind that you not only remember, but dwell on for days. And it's been a long time that such dreams were of lighthearted, heart-fluttering joy.

Too often have my dreams been of me leading a war; a leader on the frontlines tackling enemies head on alongside my legion, death on my heels. It scares me sometimes when the dream includes me looking into the wardrobe and thinking what I want to be wearing when I die fighting. Thinking of a million ways to say goodbye to my family. Trying to come to terms with my impending death.

And so the dream brought upon by tiredness was a reprieve from all the other typical dreams I would so often have. This was one that made me feel like I was 16 again.

And I can't tell exactly the contents of this dream. It's nothing that can be explained with words.

And words are never enough.

But I remember the feeling. It's like being 16, and 22 and 13 all at once. 16 for such mature immaturity, the memories the dream echoed and rekindled, and for the brink and bridge to fall from and to cross. 22 for the realization of more and the recognition of possibility, with slight juvenile mischief that is still present, but with the maturity of reason. And 13 for a more carefree time and a memory I have of a certain day at that age. Splashing water comes to mind. Clothes. Sandals. Change. Keys. Gate. Falling. Support. Hands. Breaking. Catching. Throwing. Laughter. Thanks.

The dream was brief. Yet real enough to have me checking my side when I awoke. I was disappointed with what I found, or did not find. But I still have a smile on my face.

And I still wonder what dreams really are. What they entail. Does it hold any knowledge we have yet to tap into? we'll never know for sure. But the future stretches far into the distance, maybe we'd find out along the way.

Yours, Lin~

It's all about timing. The counting of space of time from one step to the other. Determining the time to strike, seizing the moment. Carpe diem. Carpe noctem. Crap.

There is no time. No such thing. Time is a false god that has you watching the clock for a miracle to happen when all that is happening is your watching your life passing you by. It does not grant you the wisdom. There is nothing to know about from the ticking of the seconds. There is nothing in the calculation of the slow passing of time. All there is, is the now of the moment.

Counting the seconds between the sounds of thunder. One-one thousand. Two-one thousand. Three-one thousand... And you can keep on counting. But it's for certain that that thunder will keep on coming. The time between them counts for nothing. Seize the time in between. There is only the now. Take it.

And then I think, we are of course, only human. If not, then, playing a charade, a masquerade that requires a human visage even if you doubt it in yourself. And we play these games, looking every so often in the direction of the clock hanging high above. Afraid of it striking 12, finding that weakening significance in those two digits in time. It has a meaning. It makes us count the hours. It makes us fear time, waiting for it. Waiting on it.

We wait for that precious second in time. That one-second window that for an instant gives you a chance to act. And there is no time to think of the consequences; all there is time for is the action itself. But we, being human, hesitate. And we find that window closing itself shut. Gone is that space in time when all else gives way to you to act upon that wish.

And can we blame ourselves? We are human anyway. How could we be anything else when we are still cowardly even in the face of that long awaited moment? Time still conquers us when it holds power over us, making us wait on it instead of our acting regardless of it. And what is more? We cannot even find that piece of strength we need to seize the moment of moments. Even the Cowardly Lion had the will to find courage.

So in dreams we find ourselves doing the things that should have been done. Dreaming out the maybes and should-have-beens. But in dreams, time is irrelevant. The passing of time could be seconds in what must have felt like hours, or the other way around. In the absence of that oh so powerful time, anything happens. But even then, things might not just be the way you want it.

So this is how it is. It is all about timing. Seize the day. Seize the night. Seize the gorram moment.

You may not have that much time left. But bloody hell. You see, I'm still human.

Love, Lin~