Sup3rnality

#26

These spaces feel
like open oceans
Waiting
Just waiting for
the ship to sail in
the waves to break
my heart to un-ache
to reignite this flame.
The wind whispers
your name, a teasing
tickle at the edge
of my seeping
drowning
conciousness.
Anchor me with
the weight of you
And never leave
me drifting again.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2011

In conjunction with Valentine's Day (yadda yadda yadda...I don't really care about it in any angle you wanna take it, but it's a perfect time to get mushy and have an excuse for it...so screw everything else.), I'm gonna share with you a poem that I love very much.

This poem was one of the first I read that made me fall in love with Atwood's poetry. It's a morbid love story, but touching nonetheless. A sorta fairytale, only in a different setting. In another story, in another time, he would have been the gallant knight, and she the grateful lady.

It is a true story, a fairytale and a metaphor to reality all at once. The stark contrast and the glaring similarities make for a heartfelt read, complete with sharp intake of breath, climax and denouement. And when you get to the end, you feel it all come together. What is a man, without a woman, and what is a woman without her man. At the end of the day, their roles are the very same as any other man and woman in a relationship, whatever the circumstance.

Marrying the Hangman

by Margaret Atwood 

 

She has been condemned to death by hanging. A man
may escape this death by becoming the hangman, a
woman by marrying the hangman. But at the present
time there is no hangman; thus there is no escape.
There is only a death, indefinitely postponed. This is
not fantasy, it is history.

*

To live in prison is to live without mirrors. To live
without mirrors is to live without the self. She is
living selflessly, she finds a hole in the stone wall and
on the other side of the wall, a voice. The voice
comes through darkness and has no face. This voice
becomes her mirror.

*

In order to avoid her death, her particular death, with
wrung neck and swollen tongue, she must marry the
hangman. But there is no hangman, first she must
create him, she must persuade this man at the end of
the voice, this voice she has never seen and which has
never seen her, this darkness, she must persuade him
to renounce his face, exchange it for the impersonal
mask of death, of official death which has eyes but
no mouth, this mask of a dark leper. She must
transform his hands so they will be willing to twist
the rope around throats that have been singled out
as hers was, throats other than hers. She must marry
the hangman or no one, but that is not so bad. Who
else is there to marry?

*

You wonder about her crime. She was condemned
to death for stealing clothes from her employer, from
the wife of her employer. She wished to make herself
more beautiful. This desire in servants was not legal.

*

She uses her voice like a hand, her voice reaches
through the wall, stroking and touching. What could
she possibly have said that would have convinced him?
He was not condemned to death, freedom awaited
him. What was the temptation, the one that worked?
Perhaps he wanted to live with a woman whose life
he had saved, who had seen down into the earth but
had nevertheless followed him back up to life. It was
his only chance to be a hero, to one person at least,
for if he became the hangman the others would
despise him. He was in prison for wounding another
man, on one finger of the right hand, with a sword.
This too is history.

*

My friends, who are both women, tell me their stories,
which cannot be believed and which are true. They
are horror stories and they have not happened to me,
they have not yet happened to me, they have
happened to me but we are detached, we watch our
unbelief with horror. Such things cannot happen to
us, it is afternoon and these things do not happen in
the afternoon. The trouble was, she said, I didn’t
have time to put my glasses on and without them I’m
blind as a bat, I couldn’t even see who it was. These
things happen and we sit at a table and tell stories
about them so we can finally believe. This is not
fantasy, it is history, there is more than one hangman
and because of this some of them are unemployed.

*

He said: the end of walls, the end of ropes, the opening
of doors, a field, the wind, a house, the sun, a table,
an apple.

She said: nipple, arms, lips, wine, belly, hair, bread,
thighs, eyes, eyes.

They both kept their promises.

*

The hangman is not such a bad fellow. Afterwards he
goes to the refrigerator and cleans up the leftovers,
though he does not wipe up what he accidentally
spills. He wants only the simple things: a chair,
someone to pull off his shoes, someone to watch him
while he talks, with admiration and fear, gratitude if
possible, someone in whom to plunge himself for rest
and renewal. These things can best be had by marrying
a woman who has been condemned to death by other
men for wishing to be beautiful. There is a wide
choice.

*

Everyone said he was a fool.
Everyone said she was a clever woman.
They used the word ensnare.

*

What did they say the first time they were alone
together in the same room? What did he say when
she had removed her veil and he could see that she
was not a voice but a body and therefore finite?
What did she say when she discovered that she had
left one locked room for another? They talked of
love, naturally, though that did not keep them
busy forever.

*

The fact is there are no stories I can tell my friends
that will make them feel better. History cannot be
erased, although we can soothe ourselves by
speculating about it. At that time there were no
female hangmen. Perhaps there have never been any,
and thus no man could save his life by marriage.
Though a woman could, according to the law.

*

He said: foot, boot, order, city, fist, roads, time,
knife.

She said: water, night, willow, rope hair, earth belly,
cave, meat, shroud, open, blood.

They both kept their promises.

This feeling so wrong
I think I knew it all along
I just wanted to belong
But then I heard it: "So long".
And now, world at my feet
Nevermind a light sense of defeat
I can't help but wonder abit
A little wistful yes, but what got me beat?
My heart's full, and I'm content
There is no need to smile and pretend
I'm just wondering, if this light bends
Would we have chosen these same paths again?

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2010

Love,
Lin

This is me disconnecting
This is me detaching
This is me walking in the rain
This is me dulling the pain.
You'll see me today. No.
You'll see me tomorrow.
Don't count on it, though
I won't show any sorrow.
I'm lying through these smiles
My head is far, miles and miles
My heart is hoping all the while
For these ends to reconcile.
Is this where I end the show?
See me leave and turn to go
Don't wanna wait for the jeers to sound
Or it that your call, calling me around? 
This is me hardhitting
This is me contemplating
This is me at the end of the rope
But tell me, is there still hope?

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Firelight, Firelight
In this car burning bright
We saw a shooting star that night
Trail ablazing, then out of sight
So beautiful and I touched your hand, light
Oh, I wish I may I wish I might
Have this wish I wish tonight.
Firelight, Firelight
With you, everything is alright
There is nothing to give me fright
Nor is there the want to take flight
You make me burn, oh you set me alight
With you, there is nothing left to fight
So one day, Sayang, let's do this right.


(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009


My Asdil and I saw a shooting star on last Sunday night on the way to Cyberjaya. I just happened to look up, and in a split second, we witnessed a burst of bright bluish light moving from West to East, then disappearing altogether. I've seen shooting stars before, but never as bright as this. It was so clear and seemed so close, that it was as though I could pluck it out of the sky...It was breathtaking. And while the wishing on a star is not something I practice or even something I (should) believe in, it was too magical to not get caught up in that fantasy.

Right in that moment, enjoying the late-night drive with my beloved, all I could wish for is for me and him to be together for always; because in my heart of hearts, that is all I can ever think of. There is nothing more that I could possibly want, not when I have my Everything.

I love you, Sayang.

Oh be still Heart,
Be still;
You're much too fragile.
A simple glance,
His winning smile,
The touch of his hand,
And the depth of his eyes;
Makes you skip beats,
Heartstopping flips,
And flutter like a leaf.
Deep breaths, now
Deep breaths.
Catch it when you can.
But he looks at me,
Puts his arms around me;
And it begins again.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

grace said to me:
there is no me in you
no harmony in your tune
no rhyme in your reason
too lopsided to be even.
and beauty says:
alas, i've no part
to paint you an art
your chase too far in a rush
too brief for a stroke of the brush.
but it is no matter to me
i am not only what is seen
my grace is my passion
and there is beauty in imperfection.

Spur of the moment litanies twined together between doing my laundry, washing the dishes, folding my clothes and having dinner. Hence, it was not thought out too carefully.

Lowercase intended; thought it would serve to emphasise the feeling of insignificance. Ironic ain't it? "Emphasising" insignificance.

Okay, finally I got the first one finished.

This is the actual first one that I first composed in my head, and as I was in the shower yesterday :p

I sometimes wonder how you could
love the person that I am when
the voices in my head make me
feel like nothing, like the sands
of time that seep through forgotten. And yet,
your love feels like the second
skin that covers my insides, transparent
on the surface. You let yourself be
mine to wrap around myself.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Love,
N.e-Q

Yes, this is version 2. I was in the middle of version one when I got the inspiration for version 2, and decided to write it before I lost my train of thoughts. I ended up finishing the second one first.

A piece that I just decided to write one night as I was about to fall asleep.

I enjoy the blatant indiscretion, this impudent flaunting,
love the elaborate attempt to hide in the open
the secrets we both keep to ourselves to
feel as though we are in a secret world
of our own in which we consist of only
your own self and my own self, comfortable in our own
skin, in our ownselves without having to paint
on these masks of indifference. You can just be
mine, and I'll just be yours. And that is all there is.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2009

Love,
N.e-Q

P/s: Sayang, thank you for teaching me acrostic poetry :)

I have never been one to
Love just anyone as I believe that
Only time will fulfill this
Violent need to be loved
Entirely by the 'one', as I have
Yearned for years to
Obstruct all insecurity
Underneath the scrutiny of
Many an unforgiving eye who are
Yellow in and by their ownself
And could barely comprehend
Some, if not all the various
Diversity that life offers
If one ever takes the time to
Look because it is no
Mystery; for life are choices that
You made in search for
Something to believe, something to
Abbreviate the loneliness that
Yields the soul to all that hurts; but now I
Am glad to have found you; the
Narrator to my everyday who reads me
Gallantly even through the storm.

Love,
N.e-Q

My Sayang's theatrical performance last night was fantastic! Just as I knew it would be.I enjoyed it very very very much and couldn't help the surge of pride as I watched from the audience knowing that it's my boyfriend up there :)

It was the Nusantara Theatre Week (NTW) opening night last night. After training, Fidzy, who finished class at 3.30pm and came to Cyberjaya with Shu; picked me up and so that we could go to UIA and watch the play. Before that, we stopped at my place so I could take a shower and change; and then we headed to a Thai restaurant at Cyberjaya's Street Mall cos I wanted to belanje Fidzy and Shu since I got my first paycheck and all :p We then left for Gombak, where we waited til the play started; with me catching up with my coursemates whom I haven't seen in a long time. Got to see Ash for a bit before he had to go back in again.

The theme for the NTW was Women and Independence; thus all the plays this week would bear that theme in mind. Ash's play, 'It Takes Two to Tango' was about how the relationship between husband and wife needs a sense of harmony. Being a wife need not be about kow-towing to your husband to the extent where he takes you for granted, as portrayed by the character, Linda, with Ash acting the insensitive husband, Wazir. Nor does it mean by being independent to the point where you become deluded to think that you are better than everyone else, especially your husband; as the characters Najwa and Arshad portrayed.

The play was about two married couples and how each couple were so out of sync with one another. Either party in both couples were each the other's oppposite, making you wonder why A didn't marry C, and B didn't marry D? It contrasted between the two extreme types of married women, and how in the end, neither wins. Of course, their husbands, too, play a role in that; and not saying that it was the wives fault alone nor the husbands. The simple message (yet with deeper resonance) is this; when it all comes down to it, before the curtains were drawn close; the play was trying to say that marriage is about being a team and finding common ground so to do each other's part fairly. One cannot be in isolation of the other, and in the end; you'll only lose out when you find that the you're left carrying one side of the weight, while having to drag the other side along behind you.

Ash performed the character well, of course :) Since he didn't tell me what it was about in advance, I went into the auditorium blind, and was very surprised to see my Sayang dancing on stage. Hehe...left me wide-eyed a little, before I actually came to my senses and clapped with the rest of the audience. The rude, arrogant and insensitive husband character was alive as Ash played it to the fore. I hope you are not like that yeah, Sayang? J/k... I had my laughs, and had the moments of awe and smiles... And all in all, I was just proud to be the one the guy walked towards to after the curtains fell.

After the play, it was nice to be in the presence of one of the stars... My own personal Star, that is. And since I haven't seen Ash for nearly a month, it felt very good to be able to just be near, even if I had to leave in the next twenty minutes or so. Auntie Yati, Uncle RoC and Nana was there as well, since Nani was directing the play; so I introduced Ash to one of my mak angkats (Auntie Yati is my mom's best friend, so she's pretty much like a mom, too). Apparently, my mom told me that Ash got Auntie Yati's approval as well :) Although, my mom warns you that you might just be in for some more traumatizing experiences, Sayang...be forewarned.

I got to spend some moments with Ash... Well, moments when adoring fans aren't flocking him. But it was still something anyway. Took some pictures after, then was goofing about with Auntie Yati. Auntie Yati had offered to send me to KL Sentral, so I had to leave when they did.., felt quite sad that I couldn't spend longer time with Ash. Going home actually felt cruel; especially at the thought that it's mighty lonely back in my apartment. I'll only be going home to an empty room.

So I had to go... Felt like I didn't want to let go of Ash's hand. Eventually I did and I left with Auntie Yati. It took me less than an hour to get back, which was quite a surprise. Reached around 11.10pm and did my laundry, had a shower and then slept. And now, I'm back at work, and wondering when will I get to see my Sayang again...

*Sigh*

I may be able to be independent. I can live on my own and be self-sufficient; especially with me earning my own cash now and all. I can pay off my own bills, and get to places myself and am mobile without much preamble other than worrying about safety measures and all. I am limited within certain restrictions, but otherwise I'm pretty fine when by myself. But then, after living day in and day out in solitude, not being able to have some down time with your significant other; you appreciate the reality that, it really does take two to tango, because it's no fun waltzing with air.

I love you, Sayang..

Love,
Hazlin

P/S: Pictures will be posted soon when I get home from work :)

I was idling my time away reading some of my old posts waiting for training to start, and I came across this one. I thought it needed some amending and revision, so I am reposting it. I added a little something and changed a little here and there, and now, it even has a title.

Again, this was inspired by my Encik Sedil's poem Sepi itu yang Membingitkan. Do read it [here]. I'll never do justice to the words he writes, cos my Malay will never be at par with his. But bear in mind that this is just a different take but in English, hoping to convey the same message.

By the way, my original post is [here].

In the silence
it deafens so.
A vacuum that
never ceasingly
swallows me whole
everything but
my demons that
grant me never
an interlude.
And they taunt
and they scream
and revel
In my solitude.

In the din
of this deafening city
I find in it
the solace blessed
in my notoriety,
in blending into
the the black, and grey and brown
of the dull and ignored
background.
Like a wallflower.
This blaring surrounds me.
But it is calm
in the eye of the storm.

I exist in a crowd.
Alone, I cease to be.

Love, Linzy~

P/s: As always, thank you Sayang, for being my constant inspiration.

I read this post on Facebook which was put up by Idzaid and thought it'd be fun to list out these 25 random things about myself. Turns out, it was quite harder than I thought. My typing slowed down at about #11 or so, and I had to think hard about what else was there about myself that I could actually publish for public consumption. So, I ended up with this list... Maybe I'll add another 25 more if I think of any :)

Tagged by Idzaid Idros

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you!

1. I am in love.
2. I am acrophobic and ranidaphobic.
3. When I was a kid, I loved science very very much and wanted to be either a scientist or a doctor/vet. I'll actually watch them documentaries with operations in them. As time went by, they were reduced to being just hobbies. Now, I know for sure that even if I was good at it, I can never see myself doing anything of the sort.
4. I, for the life of me, cannot ride a bike.
5. My biggest fear is rejection.
6. I got the inspiration to pursue English as a degree (and hopefully more) and also as a career when I was 11; from my cousin-in-crime, Kak Ana.
7. When I'm in my own space, clothing is optional...hehe, I have nudist tendencies. That's why I try to avoid sharing rooms :p (Thankfully, in my new apartment, I'll have the master bedroom all to myself)
8. I can watch all sorts of graphic, bloody movies where people get cut up, or lose their limbs in battle or get tortured etc. And while watching, I can nonchalantly eat. But show me or let me hear someone brushing their teeth, and I start gagging.
9. I know I'm weird, but it's ok if you want to tell me that; I kinda like it.
10. My vice is clothes. I can never have too many of them. And lingerie, too. (It's such an irony, cos it clashes with point #7)
11. For many years now, I've been dreaming of owning a cafe. It should have a cosy atmosphere with regular open mic nights. Think 'The Bronze' without the dancing, or perhaps 'The Espresso Pump'.
12. I always have dreams where I'm the commander on the frontlines of war. Often I'd dream about the preparations before the battle, or about the end, where I'd give my life to save another.. Quite gloomy. Anyone a dream reader?
13. My Deadly Sins ranked, as suggested by Tickle.com, are as follows: 1. Pride, 2. Lust, 3. Greed, 4. Gluttony, 5. Sloth, 6. Envy, and 7. Wrath.
14. My ultimate dream in life is to get married to the man I love, have wonderful kids, make my family happy and have a fulfilling life.
15. I want to write a paper that would first of all affirm the importance of literature. With that being said, I'd continue to present how literature influences/provokes discourse and thinking/ideas/philosophy, whilst merging it with the Whedonverse.
16. I have a slight case of OCD. Some things need to be a certain way or I get a mite tetchy.
17. I have an obsession for cheese.
18. I think Nature's best wonders are the smell of rain, the dawn/sunset and waterfalls.
19. I hope to be a scholar, have a good career, be the daughter that my parents can be proud of, be a good wife, be a good mother, and be a good person overall.
20. I am perpetually optimistic, even when I'm complaining.
21. When I'm charged and determined, I have this song playing in my head: These Boots Were Made for Walking.
22. I'm glad to say that throughout my life (so far), a majority of my friends, old and new, have stood by me and stayed friends. This, I feel, is a great accomplishment. You guys know who you are :)
23. The most important things in life, to me, are: Family, Friends and Faith. In a word: Love.
24. My favourite movie themes are: War, Dystopia, History/Periodic, Horror/Thriller.
25. My thoughts, ideas and discourse are majorly influenced by Joss Whedon (i.e. Buffy, Angel, Firefly/Serenity, Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog)

Love, Lin~