Sup3rnality

I chide myself for feeling the way I feel; my conscience sends off warning bells in my head that rings loud and clear, toiling that I would wish it different come a day. Believe me, I know all that. The way my brain works, believe me when I say I've thought it out. But I cannot help what I feel; and feelings are not always wise.

I need to be out of here. Not in a dramatic, slamming-the-door-behind-me-and-never-looking-back way of out. But a more subtle my-sanity-needs-space way. I really do.

Perhaps, being absent from the everyday goings-on of home has made me separate and alien to it. Or, as I would prefer to say, my attachment to my family has reached the point where it's time I venture out and test the waters on my own. I need to be on my own now. Or for now.

And a huge part in me screams in protest at this. It's telling me, my family needs me; my mother needs a companion and an ear for her to confide in, my father needs me around for his feeling of security, and my siblings need their big sister. And I've told myself before, my parents aren't getting any younger, and as much as I hate to admit it, but one day, I won't have them anymore. So I chould take this time to appreciate them. And the more I am away, the more I am missing out on my siblings growing up, and each time I see them they are changed. I shouldn't be wasting a single day in their lives...

And yet, there's another part of me that yearns to be free. I need to be my own person now. And as much as I love my family, the only way I can do that is to be away from them. I need to get a job and settle into a place of my own and make my own life, and test their love and advice against the world. For my mind to work, I need to silent my mind into focus, and I cannot achieve that at home. And my sanity needs to be maintained.

There is nothing stopping me but myself. My family trusts me with all my decisions and I can make my move whenever I see fit. But it is I myself who is battling my these voices that are eating me away after softening me up with guilt.

I know that either way, there'll come a day when I will leave. I just don't know when or how. And what I'm battling here is my fear of abandoning my family for the sake of myself. It makes me feel selfish. But I know it'll happen eventually, and I need to reconcile that this is what they would want to, even if they still want me to be at home and never grow up.

And they'll understand my need to break free, but that doesn't mean it will make in any easier for them, or me.