Sup3rnality

For many years of my life, especially during those crucial formative years, many took pleasure in putting me down.

I had a (religious) teacher who loved insinuating that I was a lost cause and had that expression that she would have spat on me when she found out I was the best student in class that year. She protested such a scandalous thing, the fact I scored better than the rest. She looked at me with such hatred, shaking her head in disbelief. I was 7 years old.

Another teacher loved picking on me when I made the slightest bit of mistake. While her favourite students (she favoured the popular, beautiful ones; especially the boys) would get a pat on the back and she'd say "Takpe, takpe. Cikgu paham...", I would get a violent pinching while she looked me in the eye, hoping I'd cry. I never gave in.

I got my hair pulled when a religious teacher saw me without my head scarf. It would have been called harassment, too bad it wouldn't be regarded so, here.

There were guys I knew who thought it their civic duty to come up to inform me "Kau ni buruk kan?" (You're ugly, aren't you?) or "Muke kau ni pelik" (you have a weird face). And even worse, when it accidentally leaked out that I had a crush on some guy (who thought it a disgrace to have me liking him), the guy had his friends tell me that I wasn't good enough, that I was not up to his standards.

"Apesal kau gemuk sangat?"
"Pelik lah kau ni"
"Bodoh"
"Kau ni hitam lah. Buruk"
"What makes you think you're important? That you even matter?"
"Kau ni mesti tak tau agama, kan?"
"Ade orang ke nak suke kat ngkau ni?"
"Kau cakap klakar lah"

I think I've heard enough for one lifetime.

Thankfully, some part of my mind, even at a young age, never computed such words to be true. I had a family who constantly reminded me of my strengths, and I believe I had them. I knew I was better, and I knew that such people, in their pathetic need to feel better about themselves, needed to feel that power of insulting others to feel a false sense of strength. I knew that.

But then...when such hateful words are drilled hard into your mind from young over and over, it would get under your skin. It would undermine some part of your confidence and make you question the foundations you lay your strength on.

The thing is, while I know that I am better than others that they think, I get shaken sometimes. No matter how strong I believe I am, when you hear it one too many times, you start wondering: "If so many people say it, maybe it's true?" And it rattles me. Makes me wonder if anything I've done ever was worth anything at all.

What I'm trying to say is that, I don't need this. I don't need this crap. It's not funny, and I do not enjoy having my not-idealistic features be pointed out.

Like today, it hurts to hear you make fun of me. I know what I'm not. I do not have the perfect body, perfect skin... I know it. I see it in the mirror everyday. But I've learned to live with it and appreciate what I have. Why can't you? I'm the one that has to live with it, why is it bothering you so? Am I so embarassing to you?

I hate this, I hate having to hear insults hurled at me, bringing back memories of dark times. I hate having to relive those words that break down yet again these pillars I've built. I hate that people are so shallow that how you look determines everything that you are. How the way you look is all they will see first, and the rest comes later.

I don't effing need this. I'm not beautiful, I effing know that. I don't need you advertising it. I don't need you laughing and making jokes about it. I don't reed to be effing reminded. I've enough psychological Post-it Notes all over my brain to remind me of my ugliness til the day I die. So can you just stop?

My self-esteem is already constantly on edge, wondering which way to jump. A see-saw of emotions unsure on which way to stay. One day I can be strong, on another I'd be questioning whether I'm good enough. I don't need this.

So, please. I've battled my demons, and I have my scars. They're not pretty as they are, so there's no need to be scratching on them to open up old wounds and sprinkle salt all over. I don't need to feel them again, and have added insult to injury.

And anyway, since we're on this topic of my self esteem; I'd just like to say, to whoever it may concern, what I wrote before holds true. I do not need people to question me and my work. I've had my worthiness questioned and broken down too many times to have a person who should know me better question me. It was uncalled for, the way you questioned my ability to finish my work; especially when you had to even wonder whether I would jeopardize other people. For someone who *should* know me better, that question was not needed. The fact that you did not believe I was capable, points to you not knowing me a single bit.

Alright, I think I went on more than I thought I would... But then, I was just feeling pissed. Sorry for the long rant, but I just needed to get stuff off my chest.

Oh, I'd just like to add that I am thankful for the people that I have in my life who love me as I am, warts and all. My family, my friends, my Sayang... I'm lucky to have you all to make up for the stupidity in this world.

Love, Lin~