Sup3rnality

This is starting to get on my nerves.

Moving day is tomorrow, seeing how it is the 1st of February. First day of the month. And on Monday, I start work. I've had scouted for apartments, and found one, and *should* be moving in tomorrow. I've paid the RM500 rental fee for February to confirm my taking the room, and thus, *should* be allowed to enter, move in and stay there starting from tomorrow.

*Should*

But the girl who is the current, or more accurately as of tomorrow, former, occupant of the room will only be back in the afternoon tomorrow and she can only move into her new apartment on the 9th, leaving me hanging and not knowing what to do. And when I call her or text her, there are no replies. WTF?

Here's the thing, dudette; As of tomorrow, and seeing how I've paid rent, the apartment is mine. I need to transport a large amount of things, which consist of clothing racks, a chair, boxes and bags etc.; from Seremban to Cyberjaya. Carrying them in and putting them away takes time and energy. And then tomorrow, well, I say boldly, is MY. FIRST. DAY. OF. WORK. I need to prepare, and get enough rest to psyche myself for a full day on uncertainty.

So please please please; confirm with me what time you'll be back in Cyberjaya. I know you're from Penang and all, but be a little responsible lah. You need to handover the apartment, and at the very least, give an approximate time when you'll be back, cos I need to synchronize my time to be able to be there when you're there. You can't expect me to wait for your lazy ass to get here with all this heavy stuff. And it's not just me you're expecting to wait for you, it's the rest of my family, too.

And another thing, I know you say that the apartment you wanna move into won't be available til the 9th, but you can't bloody think I'm gonna let you stay in the room til then? Then where the hell am I gonna stay?!? I paid for the rent, and I expect to stay there. And even then, if you still insist on staying, like hell you're gonna stay for free. You're gonna be paying me a third of that rent if you don't get your ass out and find someplace else to stay til the 9th.

With that said, I'd like to tell you; PLEASE HAVE THE DECENCY TO PICK UP THE PHONE OR AT LEAST REPLY MY TEXTS. Like I said, I need to know an approximate time you'll be back, and you still have not replied to tell me. Nor have you informed me about whether I can move in rightaway tomorrow or would have to wait for your royal ass to get a move out. Nope, you just ignore my calls and not reply my messages. Come on la, I'm working and you're studying; you can ditch class, I've no luxury of doing that. I need you to call me with exact info to make my life easier and not having to wait around with no possible assurance.

Be considerate please. And put yourself in my shoes. I've paid the rent and I have my first day of work on Monday, and you pull this stunt on me. How the heck am I supposed to feel? By the time I move my stuff in tomorrow, I'll have less than 24 hours to prepare for work the next day, and I can't even be sure whether I'll have a bed to sleep in tomorow night. So please, use that head of yours.

Grr Argh, Lin~

I read this post on Facebook which was put up by Idzaid and thought it'd be fun to list out these 25 random things about myself. Turns out, it was quite harder than I thought. My typing slowed down at about #11 or so, and I had to think hard about what else was there about myself that I could actually publish for public consumption. So, I ended up with this list... Maybe I'll add another 25 more if I think of any :)

Tagged by Idzaid Idros

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you!

1. I am in love.
2. I am acrophobic and ranidaphobic.
3. When I was a kid, I loved science very very much and wanted to be either a scientist or a doctor/vet. I'll actually watch them documentaries with operations in them. As time went by, they were reduced to being just hobbies. Now, I know for sure that even if I was good at it, I can never see myself doing anything of the sort.
4. I, for the life of me, cannot ride a bike.
5. My biggest fear is rejection.
6. I got the inspiration to pursue English as a degree (and hopefully more) and also as a career when I was 11; from my cousin-in-crime, Kak Ana.
7. When I'm in my own space, clothing is optional...hehe, I have nudist tendencies. That's why I try to avoid sharing rooms :p (Thankfully, in my new apartment, I'll have the master bedroom all to myself)
8. I can watch all sorts of graphic, bloody movies where people get cut up, or lose their limbs in battle or get tortured etc. And while watching, I can nonchalantly eat. But show me or let me hear someone brushing their teeth, and I start gagging.
9. I know I'm weird, but it's ok if you want to tell me that; I kinda like it.
10. My vice is clothes. I can never have too many of them. And lingerie, too. (It's such an irony, cos it clashes with point #7)
11. For many years now, I've been dreaming of owning a cafe. It should have a cosy atmosphere with regular open mic nights. Think 'The Bronze' without the dancing, or perhaps 'The Espresso Pump'.
12. I always have dreams where I'm the commander on the frontlines of war. Often I'd dream about the preparations before the battle, or about the end, where I'd give my life to save another.. Quite gloomy. Anyone a dream reader?
13. My Deadly Sins ranked, as suggested by Tickle.com, are as follows: 1. Pride, 2. Lust, 3. Greed, 4. Gluttony, 5. Sloth, 6. Envy, and 7. Wrath.
14. My ultimate dream in life is to get married to the man I love, have wonderful kids, make my family happy and have a fulfilling life.
15. I want to write a paper that would first of all affirm the importance of literature. With that being said, I'd continue to present how literature influences/provokes discourse and thinking/ideas/philosophy, whilst merging it with the Whedonverse.
16. I have a slight case of OCD. Some things need to be a certain way or I get a mite tetchy.
17. I have an obsession for cheese.
18. I think Nature's best wonders are the smell of rain, the dawn/sunset and waterfalls.
19. I hope to be a scholar, have a good career, be the daughter that my parents can be proud of, be a good wife, be a good mother, and be a good person overall.
20. I am perpetually optimistic, even when I'm complaining.
21. When I'm charged and determined, I have this song playing in my head: These Boots Were Made for Walking.
22. I'm glad to say that throughout my life (so far), a majority of my friends, old and new, have stood by me and stayed friends. This, I feel, is a great accomplishment. You guys know who you are :)
23. The most important things in life, to me, are: Family, Friends and Faith. In a word: Love.
24. My favourite movie themes are: War, Dystopia, History/Periodic, Horror/Thriller.
25. My thoughts, ideas and discourse are majorly influenced by Joss Whedon (i.e. Buffy, Angel, Firefly/Serenity, Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog)

Love, Lin~

I have been cracking my head about what I would want to get myself with my first salary. It's dumb, I know, to have it go about in my head and making it work overtime. But hey, it's my first first salary and I've never had a big sum of money for me to splurge on myself. My own money. Not money I have to rely on parents to get. To get myself something that I would otherwise not buy for reasons, such as it being too much of a firestarter that would burn more than a hole in my wallet or it is too much of a luxury to fork out cash for and many other reasons; is a dream come true. Believe me, eventhough I do spend alot on alot of this and that, I never splash my cash for just one thing. I don't ever remember buying just one thing that costs more than RM100. I'm that kedekut with myself. Not intentionally, but it's not like money grows on trees for me.

So I've been thinking what I want to get myself. I was thinking CDs at first, since I only buy one CD per year or sometimes in 2 years or more (I think the last full priced CD--eBay doesn't count--I bought was in 2006 or so) cos they're ridiculously priced. And maybe books, but saving money or not, I prefer to buy at Payless cos then I can have a variety and would not feel so guilty in forking out about RM40 for just one book that I may or may not like. Clothes also came to mind, but I buy clothes very often and I never shop at branded stores anyway, so it's not much out of the ordinary nor is it a luxury item. I also thought of quirky household items I so often ogle at in magazines, but the novelty for things like that wear off fast for me. I want something that I can look at again and again and be so proud to own.

So what else do I love that would make me giddy with pleasure at being able to own it at long last?

When in doubt, turn to the Whedon. I was browsing darkhorse.com and I saw the beautiful images of the Buffy comic covers, and I got my answer. I wanted to own every piece of BtVS comics ever made. Sure I have some loose ones here and there and (so-far) the complete set of BtVS Season 8, but I want the collection. I want them all neatly compiled in one place. So, that's it, my first salary will be spent on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Omnibus 1 (mind you, there are about 5, methinks, so far).

It's a little bit like counting the chicks before they hatch, I know, but there's no harm in dreaming, is there?

Love, Lin~

P/S: I also have to get myself BodyShop's Amorito EDT to replace my Bath & Bodyworks Tutti Dolci: Chocolate Fondue before someone bans me from buying any other perfume :p

It makes my blood boil when I see negligent parents who do not know how to take care of their children; or are very complacent or indifferent about their children's well-being. I very much feel like slapping any parent who cannot prioritize their children and see no urgency in ensuring their child's safety.

On top of that, I hate the complacency many Malaysians adopt; the attitude in which they would very much prefer to not get involved in anything that might inconvenience and instead, prefer to watch things and see how it goes. They all like a good drama, but if they need to get up and out of their comfort zone, then let whatever will happen happen. Bad or good, it'll probably be a chance for them to say something on tv later.

Stupid, pathetic waste-of-space people.

My mother told me this story; it happened that day when I was in Cyberjaya signing the contract, so I wasn't around to witness it myself:

That morning, after I left with my dad; my mom just backed out of the driveway to send my siblings to the nearby school. As she was about to drive off, she saw a frail, tiny girl of about 3 or 4 running barefoot and crying on the tarred road from a junction. There was no one else in sight. Well, no one pursuing her that is. She was alone, other than some neighbours who were outside looking. Just looking.

The little girl ran and ran and ran, as fast as her little feet can carry her. She turned the junction and came onto the street that I lived on, and she kept runnig. She reached the main road and she just crossed without looking left or right. What would you expect from a little girl that age? And you know what the people who were standing exactly at the junction at the main road, buying their kuih and nasi lemak, did? Nothing. All the makciks just watched the girl run and cry and didn't bother to do a thing.

My mom pulled over, told the kids to lock the car doors and chased after the girl just as she was about to cross the main road. But it was already on the other side when my mom finally caught up with her. My mom grabbed her and she collapsed in my my mom's arms sobbing. She told my mom that her mother went to work... So she was presumably chasing after her mother. When my mom asked where her house was, she did not know.

Then suddenly, a guy turned up leisurely on a bike. Operative word; leisurely. And mind you, that was about 10 mins later. He nonchalantly told my mom that that was his daughter, and the little girl called out to her father and went to him. But here's the thing, there was no trace of urgency nor concern in his voice. So worry at all for his daughter. As if he didn't care. As if he didn't spend the last few minutes frantically worried. It was as though my mom went to the girl just for the sake of holding her. And the father only turns up after 10 minutes?! Where the hell was he when she was running barefoot and crying and crossing a busy main road?? Did he even care? He didn't even say thanks, and it was not like my mom expected it; but his demeanor was as though he was just claiming his her from a woman who was trying to take her. My mom couldn't care less, she was just glad the girl was safe; but she felt almost sorry to hand her to a guy who did not show any concern for his own daughter.

Come on la, even if I was just in my under things, and my daughter was chasing after a car like that, I'd rather make myself the laughing stock of the town than let my daughter go like that. And in the first place, what is a little girl like that doing unattended? I don't care how busy a person is, a little kid needs supervision and the house always has to be childproofed. No excuse the father could have given me would appease. If you can't look after your child, then don't have one.

And those makciks and other people who just stood and watch? They had the nerve to go to my mother and bombard her with all sorts of questions. Now they're concerned...probably looking for a good story to share over the table as they eat their breakfast with family or friends. When it was happening, not a soul bothered. Too "busy" to care.

So here's the thing, why have Malaysians become so stupidly complacent and uncaring? I remember the case when a girl was being raped in an alley in broad daylight, everyone was passing by and looking, but no one went to help. And how another girl who was the victim of snatch thieves lay there bleeding and no one bothered to aske her why. Or how in shopping malls when some ladies are juggling holding their child and pulling their stroller up a slight flight of stairs, everyone just looks...

What happened to us? How can it be hard, to just walk a few extra steps and scoop the little girl up? She's light as a feather and cannot fight back. And so what if she kicks and screams? You want to live your entire life remembering how you could have saved her life before she got hit by a car? Or what if my mom was a kidnapper? In the time the father took to get there, my mom could have made off far away by then. Would you forgive yourself? What will you answer God at the Day of Judgment? How can people be so heartless?

I'm ashamed. Very ashamed. How have we come to this?

Lin~

Dear Asdil/Ash,

Yesterday felt like a balm that healed many an ache that was creeping into me. I've missed you and the added fact that I couldn't call you made it all the worse. But when I met you at our rendezvous point in front of MPH, Midvalley and you came to me and put your hand to my cheek, I felt all longing just melt away.

Even when you're far away, you're always close to my heart. It's with thoughts of you that I sleep, and it's remembering that I have you that puts a smile on my face each morning. Your words, love and support carries me through when I feel like these walls are threatening to come down. You make me feel like I have a lot of things to look forward to.

I feel your love wherever I am; but nothing beats being able to see you, hear your voice as you are in front of me, for me to reach out and touch you, to know that you're not a dream. I didn't want to let you go yesterday. I wanted to hold on to you and just stand there and let the world around us fade to black. I wanted to be selfish and have you all to myself.

Sayang, I can never stop telling you that I love you. I love you more than you know. And you mean so much to me, more than you will ever realize. I know that I sometimes don't know how to show it, how to tell you... I'm a writer, after all, not a talker. I express myself better when I'm putting it to the written word. And when you read this, I hope you know I mean every word I write.

Know that I love you. I love everything that you are, even if you don't believe me when I say it. I love the way that you love me, the things that you say to me, and the way that you hold me. I love the little mundane things about you. I love your smile. I love your eyes. I love your voice. I love the acrostic poems that you write to me, about me, about us; makes my heart and eyes swell with wordless emotions. And I can go on about everything else that you are...but there would be no end.

I wish I could have spent forever in a day with you yesterday.

I hope things get easier soon. I hope I'll be able to come see you more often, so we wouldn't have to be patient with phone calls and messages. Again I ask you, wait for me. Because who else will I catch up to if not you?

Yours, Linzy~

Suddenly I feel my life rapidly changing. Scared? No. More like worried. I can't see beyond the bend, now that the road is no longer a straight path; and I cannot know for sure what lies in wait. So, I'm worried.

I signed the job contract on the 22nd, and then yesterday while I was out with my Darling, my dad found a Kenari which is in terrific condition but at an affordable price and decided that that's the car for me; and then today, we've looked at an apartment in Cyberia and made up our minds to take it. So now I'm all set and ready to go. But somewhere in me I feel almost sad, lying under the vast happiness I'm feeling.

Of course, the happiness goes without saying; but the sadness...well, it's there, too. That divide between my family and I is stretching wider. Not that we're becoming distant, but that I really feel that pull now; the pull to live life on my own. Soon, I probably woudn't have that much time to spend with family other than on some weekends. I'll be juggling work on top of everthing; but that isn't the problem. The problem is not having too much on my plate; but actually the knowledge that life is no longer going to be easy.

And then there's the question of finances. Once I'm on my feet, I'll be responsible for paying off my car, my rent, my food and other things. No such thing as asking money from my parents any more. I'm my own person now. And again, it's not the money itself that I feel is the problem, but the fact that I'll be responsible for myself; just going to show just how far in life I am now.

I admit now. Yes, I am a little scared.

And it's not that I feel like I cannot do it. I know myself, and I know that I am driven and determined and get things done; but I really feel like I'm in another realm now, and at this point in my life, there's no going for resits, or make-ups or corrections. This is it.

But you know what? What always brings me back to earth when I feel like my mind has floated too far is my saving graces: My family who offers never-ceasing and unconditional love and support. My friends who always are there for me no matter what, even if I don't see them in ages. And My Sayang who means more to me that he'll ever know; who loves me and is patient and always surprises me when I sometimes feel like I'm losing faith. I love all of them with all the love that I have.

So, yes, I'm scared and I'm worried. My life is really starting in so many brand new ways. But then, I have so many people around me who keep me grounded, and they make my worries seem so small.

Love, Lin~

This not being able to call you and talk to you and hear your voice is driving me crazy. I wanna see you but it's so hard to plan when I can't call you constantly.

I want to see you tomorrow.. But it might be too late to plan, especially since it's tomorrow and I can't be sure you'll read this in time. If not tomorrow, then Monday then, since it's the Chinese New Year Holiday. That is, if you don't have plans already.

Let me know?

Love, Linzy~

Posted by Yanna on Facebook. Decided to give it a go:

Instructions:
I. Put your music player on shuffle.
II. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
III. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

1. If someone says, “Is this Okay?” you say…
Dilate - Four Star Mary (or 'Dingoes Ate My Baby' in BtVS)

2. What would best describe your personality?
A Man's Gotta Do - Captain Hammer aka Nathan Fillion ('Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog OST)

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?
Heatwave - Martha Reeves and the Vandellas

4. How do you feel today?
Pretty as a Picture - Lindsey McDonald aka Christian Kane ('Angel' OST)

5. What is your life’s purpose?
Down So Long - Jewel

6. What is your motto?
Accidentally in Love - Counting Crows

7. What do you think of your parents?
Love is a Battlefield - Pat Benatar

8. What do you think about very often?
Why Do You Love Me? - Garbage

9. What is 2+2?
Save Me - Aimee Mann

10. What do you think of your best friend?
Your Winter - Sister Hazel

11. What do you think of the person you like?
Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson

12. What is your life’s story?
Vermillion Borders - Virgil

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Believe - Blessid Union of Souls

14. What do you think when you see the person you like?
Broken - Seether & Amy

15. What do your parents think of you?
Playboy Mommy - Tori Amos

16. What will you dance to at your wedding?
Crash and Burn - Savage Garden

17. What will they play at your funeral?
Put Your Head on My Shoulder - Paul Anka

18. What is your hobby/interest?
A Song to Sing - Hanson

19. What is your biggest secret?
Sign on the Door - Edwin McCain

20. What do you think of your friends?
Shadowman - K's Choice

21. What’s the worst thing that could happen?
I Wanna Love You Forever - Jessica Simpson

22. How will you die?
Deep Inside of You - Third Eye Blind

23. Does anyone like you?
I Shall Believe - Sheryl Crow

24. If you could go back in time, what would you change?
White Houses - Vanessa Carlton

25. What hurts right now?
Til It Feels Like Cheating - Jewel

26. What will you post this as?
Full of Grace - Sarah McLachlan

As excitedly advertised by yours truly before, my contract signing with my future employers was yesterday. I had to be there at the office in the morning and so I took my normal route to Cyberjaya. Well, partly normal..

My usual route when going to Cyberjaya would be following my dad on his way to work, and he'll drop me off at the Seremban train station. There I would get myself a komuter ticket to get to Bandar Tasik Selatan. From there I'd switch train and take the ERL to the Cyberjaya/Putrajaya station. It is a detour, I know, but there ain't much more convenient options. Anyway, so when I get to the Cyberjaya ERL station, I'd usually get myself a cab to the office or Ayus' apartment. That would usually cost from between RM11-15, well, that's my estimate. So, yesterday, since I got there a little early (I managed to catch the last train early morning train), I'd try my luck by taking the RapidKL bus, which saves me a whole lotta cash. And after milling about a little lost and lining up in the wrongline and all, I finally got on the right one, which is bus T149.

Being me, my thoughts often fly when I am in a car. I like daydreaming when I'm in a car or any moving vehicle, so yeah, riding the bus was no different. The next thing I knew I saw my office rapidly fading from view as the RapidKL bus drove on, err, rapidly. At first I thought, It'll pass by that route again. But then, I also was worried that it might not. So, I decided, a little too late, that I will get down at the next stop and catch a cab. I did, and then waited for a cab. But when no cab passed by, I thought I'd walk further up. Still no cab. Nevermind, just a little further. And still no cab. I soon was changing my heels to my trusty selipar jepun that I had stashed in my bag. And soon, it became apparent that I won't be getting any cabs, I just walked on to the office. Yup, I walked about 2km (the first kilometer in heels) to the office on a dry, hot morning.

It wasn't so bad. I mean, I'm not averse to walking and don't feel like I am sacrificing my standards when I do, so I just walked on. The only downside to walking is that, being me, I was sweating profusely and it ruined any make-up I had on. My hair was quite soaked with perspiration and my top was, too. So, it didn't make for a good impression sight. Ugh, if there was one thing I would love to change about myself is that; the generous amount of sweat glands that I have.

Oh, and the other bad side to it was getting wolf whistles from the construction workers on the other side of the road. Also, honks from people in cars with their suggestive smiles and leers. One even somewhat stopped and asked me whether I needed a ride... Errr, I'd rather walk. I was very glad when I turned the corner to FSBM.

As soon as I got into the office, I found myself a washroom and changed back into heels, cooled down, adn reapplied make-up. When I finally made it to the fourth floor, where the Wolters-Kluwer office is situated, I was somewhat more presentable (minus my semi-wet clothes and hair). Thankfully, the air-conditioning was out that day, so they attributed my sweating to that.

*Phew*

So, Mr. Raymond and I talked a while and he handed me my contract and had me read it first. Everything seemed well in order, other than the surprise that working hours started at 6pm. I so know my father wouldn't be keen on that. But Mr. Raymond did say that the team leader would usually start from between 8-9am, so no worries about coming in at 6am... The only problem is if the team leader, too, wants to start at 6am :P

After I signed everything, all that was left was for me to come in on the 2nd of February. On paper, I am now officially an employee of Wolters-Kluwer Ent. Services Partners Sdn. Bhd. as a sub-editor! Yay me!

When I left, I felt good inside, and now very very determined on looking for a room to rent. So I took a cab to Ayus' place (suddenly ade lah pulak. Tadi takde. Grr Argh) and we both went apartment hunting.

As it turns out, the apartments that are owned by agencies there are in terrible terrible shape. They are so hell-bent on maximizing profits that they sacrifice safety and cleanliness and livability altogether. They restructure the interiors by getting rid of the living room by making partitions to make rooms. So instead of just having 2 or 3 rooms per apartment, it becomes a 5 to 6 room apartment. It's so horrible. And the condition of the place is just pathetic. At this one place I looked at, part of the kitchen was made into a bedroom and it stank to high heaven. Outside, what was left of the living room, foyer and kitchen was in a frightful condition. Mess was everywhere and it was gloomy and dingy. It looked like something out of a C grade horror movie came to life. Also, at one apartment, to make another room, they somehow put up planks over, what I was told by Fairuz, an old flight of stairs. So, if you were to knock on the flooring, it was actually hollow, making the stability and safety questionable. Or, as Fairuz Guy said. The apartment below, which is also owned by the same agency, have guys living there. So I'd either, a) fall through the floor, causing the room below's floor to also cave in, or b) fall through the floor into the guys apartment where I'll be their snack. Thank you very much, neither is an option :s Other than those horrifying compartment rooms, which made IIUM (even MCIIUM) a thousand times better, I also had a look at some which were nice, ut had their prices hiked up to an extra RM200 or so, which is just too ridiculous. So I said 'no' to all of them.

At the end of the day, I earned myself a job, but am still apartment-less. However, this Sunday I'll ba having a look at a master bedroom which is quite reasonably priced, and if everything's fine, I'll be taking it straightaway.

So, that's my misadventure for yesterday. I know it's not as crazy as the time when I locked myself out of the room naked or getting lost in a red-light district, but it was something nonetheless. Besides, I did leave out some details like when that crazy Indian lady approached me asking whether I needed a place and insisting that I stay with her where everybody's vegetarian. And also how one agent who showed me one house looked so scary, especially knowing that he's got keys to all the rooms....I guess it can be said to be one of the trials and tribulations I have to go through in getting a job, and an apartment :P

Anyhow, most importantly is this:

This is a Wolters-Kluwer sub-editor signing out,
Linzy~

The dawn's light creates patterns on my face as I am deep in slumber, unaware and much too far and deep in my dreams to see what morning brings. And I long for those dawns I used to greet, now only seen every now and then; that is, if I was graced with such luxury that allows me to take in the light at will.

I want to see you everyday, dear wonderful dawn. I yearn to greet each day with the warmth of your glow alighting myself as I rouse from sleep. I want nothing more but to be able to see each morning with you .

So please be patient with me. Wait for me. And I promise we'll see the dawn til dusk through.

Love, Linzy~

Less than an hour after I wrote the previous entry about my feeling worried that Wolters-Kluwer have not yet contacted me about my employment, they finally called. When I saw the name on the screen saying that it was Mr. Raymond, I turned to my mom who was watching tv with me, and I made an excited face which, I was quite sure, resembled a mad woman's insane glee.

I rushed to the kitchen (again. Like last time.) and picked up the call. It was Mr. Raymond and he asked me to be sure whether or not I have been informed of their wish to hire me (Oh God, yes!). Yes, abso-frickin'-lutely you have told me. Oh, so in that case, I needed to come down to their office to sign the contract and what not, and I shall begin my employment on the 2nd of February.

Woo-hoo!!!!

As soon as I hung up the phone and came out of the kitchen, I skipped my way back to the living room and sang a little tune "I'm gonna work, I'm gonna work". Yes, I know I'm crazy, no need to remind me.

But really, I just felt so gorram happy. I'm about to work in a few more weeks and I can finally feel independent again. I can finally find my focus again and feel like I have a purpose.

Now the only few things left to do is to get an apartment and move in, and figure out my transportation plan. Wow, I'm so looking forward to this. I really am. And now my mind can finally relax; and think of what lies in this very very near future:

My future as a sub-editor for Wolters-Kluwer.

Love, Lin~

I'm bothered. My mind is at an unease. I am in limbo.

It's been a week since W-K called me to tell me that they want to hire me. However, I have heard nothing from them as follow up as of yet. And when I call them, no one picks up. I'm starting to get worried and restless... Am I, or am I not hired?

I know that the guy who called me said that he would not be around for a week last week, so probably he just got back to his office. But he did say I could call the office for more info, and that either way, he'll call me this week to discuss matters further. I know that it's only Monday, but I'm starting to get paranoid cos he hasn't called. And when I do call to talk to them, no one picks up.

Like I mentioned in another entry, I have this paranoia that they decided not to hire me after all. I know that an established, well-known company will not do a thing like that, to jeopardize my looking for another job since I didn't get the post they offered; but I am nonetheless worried. There are many preparations that I need to get done before I start work, so I'd love to have some sort of confirmation that I am already somewhat of an employee waiting to start. Also, as they have mentioned a training program that I would have to go through, I'd like to know more so I can prepare myself for that as well; since I don't know where or when that would take place.
I know they will call me soon, I just wish it's sooner. As it is, I cannot find an apartment, and the interesting ones that Ayus has found for me, I cannot give them a definite answer on whether I want the place or not cos I don't know whether the job is actually mine. And my dad, he's in talks of getting me a car, but like I said, with no real word on whether I have the job, it's kinda hard to plan.

So, please Wolters-Kluwer, give me a call asap; or at least, pick up my phone calls. I really really am looking forward to the job. And I need to plan my next few steps. A call would do me a world of good.

Lin~

Out of nowhere, I remembered a promise I made not too long ago.

I promised this young person, so earnest in his request, and said:

"Of course, I will. Don't worry. I promise"

And I plan to keep it.

Sincerely, Lin~

"It's better than being on the computer"

That's what my sister, Haida, happily giggled out as she, my brother and I jumped up and down on a huge sheet of bubblewrap. Yup, it didn't matter to us if it was 11.55pm and that we just ate; we hopped and crawled and did a jig and circled the sheet of little air-filled bubbles like a long-lost tribe of crazies.

Our dad just came home with something that came in a big box and had this bubblewrap that could fit the three of us if we lay down on it. So what else, we put it to its use right away, regardless of the late hour and that I was in a kaftan; we happily saw that every little bubble popped in the many different ways.

Just some random fun we very rarely take the time to partake in, as we slowly drown and isolate ourselves with our gadgets and gizmos.



It's these kinda moments that take you back to times when you were only 6 or so and everything seemed so simple and so carefree. Everything is black and white and there were no in-betweens that made life all the more complicated. But back then, I wouldn't have my siblings, and there'd be no-one to share the joy with me. So I think again, there is no use in dwelling on what you cannot change. Learn from the past, and use the now to right the wrongs. Be thankful of what you have. What you have now, probably wouldn't have happened without the then; and the past happened the way it did to make the present.

So jump, live and smile. It takes you on a ride back into the past as you go up high, and brings you to back to where you are as you land. You are where you are from the leaps you take.

And bubblewrap makes it all the more fun as the kid I once was and still am giggles with genuine glee.

Love, Lin~

As I sat curled up in bed while facing the laptop, I noticed a little something about myself that never really crossed my mind to ponder upon. Eversince I was a child, I had this habit, whenever I am comfortably in a lying position with the intent of resting and/or sleeping, my right foot will softly brush up and down. Weird, I know, and I can't really explain it; but my foot, not my entire leg, will just gently glide back and forth from the ankle. And it's only my right foot that does that, my left would stay still or just flex slightly.

It's just those little quirks that you don't quite pay much heed to. I mean, you do it and the action registers somewhat in your mind, but you don't actually ponder upon it. After all, what much of a purpose does it serve?

I find them to be one of them unique oddities that a person might have. They might range from subtle to just downright strange. But it makes you you, you know? Like my mom, sister and I just have to have a blanket over us when we sleep. Even if it's hot night, a blanket is a must.

Oh, and another thing; the quirkiness about the way we sleep. Of course, one wouldn't know about them unless someone tells you about it; cos obviously you aren't awake at the time. I've been told that I talk in my sleep, or sometimes even laugh or cry. This is what Sarah told me when we were roomies back in MCIIUM. And Aaina tells me that every now and then I would snore, especially on those tired nights after alot of work.

But I think when it comes to quirkiness whilst sleeping, I'd know the most because I would be the one to sleep the latest. Being the night owl that I am, I'd be awake til at least 3am or so. So by the time I decide to doze off, others would have been long gone into their slumber.

When we (Fidzy, Sarah, Aaina and me) were roomies, I'd lie awake and listen to the various sounds coming from each compartment. Fidzy snores at times. Aaina grinds her teeth real loud. Sarah makes sounds every now and then, but I mostly remember how she must sleep with something on her forehead. Haha. And then there were my roomies from before, like Kak Ziana, Zaza and Aiman who used to talk in their sleep all the time (especially Kak Ziana and Aiman who were Law students...I guess all that studying and memorizing went to their heads). A cousin of mind who sometimes would come over had this sleeping position that quite resembles the Superman pose i.e. one arm outstretched above her head and the other at the side with one leg slightly drawn up. Too bad there weren't any digital cameras or camera phones at the time to capture them. Oh, and my cousin, Kanna, used to sleepwalk. I remember her opening my cupboard and trying to walk into it, thinking it was the bathroom.

Ah, such funny quirks. I think mine are rather minor, unless my former roommates sengaja don't want to share them crazy escapades I get myself into when I'm asleep. But otherwise, I've no complaints from anyone who have shared the same sleeping space.

So I'm a occasional snorer and sleeptalker, who has a twitch in the right foot before falling asleep. These are my sleeping quirks.

What are yours?

Love,

I thought 6 weeks was difficult to overcome, but this is even worse. Knowing that just about 2 hours away by Komuter and LRT, is the man I love. And yet, even with all the conveniences of transportation that technology can offer, I am here in one state while he is in the neighbouring other.

Not being able to see him for six weeks when IIUM took a long semester break was very very trying. That anticipation I used to feel each morning on campus when I knew I'd be seeing him later in the day or in class gets killed as soon as it occurs, when I wake up in the morning to see myself in my bed at home. And counting down the days to when semester opens never helped; I'd only realize how far away that is.

But now, my Sayang is back on campus; definitely much closer to me now than when he was in Baling, Kedah. And yet, this separation is even more painful. At least when he was home I knew there was nothing that I could do about it, and that had to wait til he was back. Instead, now he's back in Gombak, I have to fight the frustration knowing he's so close yet so far.

For one, his classes all ends in the afternoon, so even if go to campus, I cannot have him to myself the whole day. I'd probably be able to be with him for an hour or two, and then he would have to run off to class; and by the time he was done, I'd have to leave because my darling does not want me returning home after dark. And then, coming from Seremban has it's downsides. I need cash to travel back and forth, and it takes alot of time to get from here to there. So much time is wasted in the process; and it's not like I can go very often. There are things that need doing, and my conscience tells me I should be home to do it or help with it.

It kills me inside that the span from one meeting to another with my Sayang stretches so long. I want to be able to see him everyday, even if for just a while. It's just a comfort to be able to see his face and hear his voice; it's simply the best part of my everyday. I miss being on campus knowing that he is only just a few minutes away if I want to see him, and I miss how he'd sometimes come on a bike to the hill I live on to pay me a visit and we'd sit and talk and subtly hold hands, afraid that someone might see. I miss our stowing away from class or after to enjoy some time to ourselves, usually by watching a movie or strolling through shops and talking about everything and nothing in particular. I miss all that.

But it doesn't mean that we can no longer enjoy fun times together. It's just that, I've entered a new phase in life, and I'm still getting used to it. It'll take time to settle in on this new situation and find a new groove to fall into. But it doesn't change a single thing about how I feel about you. If anything, I love you even more, and appreciate you all the more when you're not here.

I hope you be patient, Love. Trust me if there was a better way, I'd sure have taken it. Perhaps soon when I've found myself on steadier ground in these next few months, we'd have more time to be together. Until then, know that I love you beyond any words can say, and I love you even more as days go by.

I think of that morning, and it always give me shivers.

I love you Asdil/Ash.

Yours, Linzy~

A list of things to do before I start working (assuming I really really do get the job):

1. Look for an apartment that is affordable and convenient (in many aspects)
2. Figure out the transportation system in Cyberjaya
3. Choose and pack clothes/Buy some more decent clothes to wear to work
4. Open up two new bank accounts
5. Straigthen/tidy up my room at home
6. Choose and pack up stuff for new place
7. Buy stuff for new place (furniture, necessities, toiletries, foodstuffs)
8. Look for reference books I might need (anything for an excuse to buy books)
9. Settle the laptop situation
10. See the friends I've been missing and might not be able to see often when I start work

Love, Linzy~

This happened Monday morning at around 11am:

I was listening to the noise on the tv, not paying too much attention to what was going on cos I was on the laptop at the same time; the remote control was too far away for me to bother getting up and turning the tv volume down. My mom was on the couch, snoozed off while watching whatever it was on the tv screen.

I was engrossed by the laptop as per usual. My head was spinning from my wondering whether W-K will be calling me anytime soon and from the dream of my being hired by them... I guess I've been so worried and have been overanalyzing my interview too much that it's been messing with my brain like those little birdies that circle around when you bump your head in cartoon shows. Ah yes, welcome to the crazy mind of Linzy.

Then, my phone rang.

I looked at it like it was a lifeline and dived for it in a flurry. The screen read: Wolters-Kluwer. My heart leaped and I went to the kitchen where it was quiet and talked to Mr. Raymond (from before).

He told me that my interviewers found me capable in handling the job, coupled with my passing the tests, and they...jengjengjeng...would like to hire me! I could have screamed and jumped up and down like a madwoman if not for my wanting to sound professional.

I listened to Mr. Raymond and some of his explanations. He didn't say much, but promised that he would call next week to confirm some things so I could come to the office and discuss my employment further. He wouldn't be able to see me this week as he had to go somewhere. However, he did declare February 2nd as the date my employment commences; although I am not clear on whether that date would be the date I first come in, or that I will be sent for training as was mentioned in my interview *shrug*. I don't know all that for sure yet, but it's just good to know that I am gonna be given a job! And paid for doing something I like. Hehe.. Happy happy happy me *gigantic grin*.

Apart from that, he did ask me to name a price for my paycheck *grin*. I'm glad he said that I gave him a reasonable asking price that he could work on (Mind you, Cyberjaya's cost of living is high). So I'll be looking forward to a hefty paycheck...albeit, with the huge rent that I would potentially pay and all the bills included, I'll probably be left with just a little to splurge on myself and people I love.

Other than that, I'd have to wait til he calls. He said that I could always call his assistant should I need to ask anything. I tried calling today, but no one picked up :P

It took me a while to write this (four days, in fact) mainly cos I was still in a daze. I cannot believe it, and it is only today that I feel much better to actually say it quite freely. On the tippy-top of that, I still am abit wary of shouting it out to the world. In my mind, without anything in black and white, and my having not meet them yet; I feel as though they can take back the offer just like that. I have this fear that maybe they'll reconsider and hire someone else instead. I'm very sure they won't do something like that, now that they've told me they've hired me, but I wanna be safe and very very sure. I wanna see them and talk it our and then really be sure that they've hired me.

But for all intents and purposes, they have verbally told me that I am hired. Yes, I am a future sub-editor for Wolters-Kluwer and will start work on the 2nd of February 2009.

Yeay!!! My first job! Woo-hoo! Yeay me!

Wish me luck!

Love, Lin~

P/S: Dear Anonymous reader/commentor, I hope that you, too, have been hired. Would be nice to meet someone I already somewhat "know" during training. All the best!

I tend to have a little lie in every morning as soon as I wake up. I'd open my eyes, look at the time, then roll over and pull my blanket up around me and hold my bolster closer, and then I'd have myself a sinful amount of snoozing.

Sometimes my mom says I wake up late; I don't, actually. I wake up quite early. It's just that some days the bed seems too tempting to get out of.

Today was no different. I woke up to the sounds of the primary school assembly from the school behind my house. The annoying teacher's grating voice I hear every morning (I assume she's the headmistress) is enough to wake the dead up, nevermind myself. And yet, I managed to find myself in deep slumber again.

Deep enough to dream.

And so I dreamt. I don't remember any lead-ins to the dream, the next thing I know I was in the car with my cousin, Kak Anna, or Kanna, and she told me that I got the job I wanted: as a sub-editor with Wolters-Kluwer. I don't know why it was her who was the one to announce it, but there she was waiting in a car all smiley and knowing. She said to me that I got the job, and I got sooo happy.

A sign? Hopefully.

The dream then jumps to my moving in with Ayus. I dreamt that we were in the lift taking stuff up to her place and she was struggling away looking for her keys. There were some clumsiness and craziness along the way, as well as a cat getting caught in the mix; not unusual I'd say. I don't remember the jumbled mess that comes later, but it revolved around the apartment as well...

Another good sign? Maybe.

Maybe I'm wanting this just so bad...that I'm even dreaming it. With the getting hired and the moving in to a new place. Phew, lets hope I really do get it.

Love, Lin~

Today's Sunday was spent with much fun and silliness with my darling whom I've not been able to see since my birthday. Things have been hectic, and I've hardly had the time to drop by campus to pay him a visit, eventhough I wanted to. The week after my birthday I was in Kelantan, and then the following week was full of appointments with recruiting agencies and interviews... Not to mention the fact that Ash has classes til the late afternoon, hence, I can't come around on weekdays and stow him away for some quality time.

So today was the day I could finally have him to myself. Well, not really, but close enough. I'm content enough to have him near; to talk to him even if they are silly nothings, see him, and be able to reach out and touch him. I love how my heart leaps knowing I'm going to see him, and how it hammers like crazy when I catch sight of him. And I love how my heart eases into relax mode when he's right there in front of me, being his lovable self.

I am easily satisfied and can find the fun in nothing at all. So I took him to Amcorp's Flea Market, to which he's never been. We had fun looking through every single stall and oohed and aaahed at the rarities and antiques. It was a nice way to spend the afternoon together, just admiring knick-knacks and talking about them; sometimes joking and goofing. It was wonderful.

Sayang, it was a great afternoon with you today... I wish the day could go on much longer and lets us spend hours and hours together. Just being close fills me with so much love, and I could only hope that I could be close to you all the time.

I'm missing you already, darling. Maybe soon~

Love, Linzy~

I wanted to pen this down sooner, I just didn't get the time nor was I in the right state of mind to be able to do so;

After the interview on Friday morning, all of a sudden the weariness from the non-stop interviews and tests just came crashing down on me. The last 4 days (since Tuesday), I've only been getting in about 4-5 hours of sleep and some extra minutes on the train to wherever I'm heading. So Friday night all the way to Saturday I've been letting my head drop whenever possible. In the car, on the couch, my handbag as a pillow, hanging my head wherever...yeah, every place good enough for my head to land was my bed. Despite the fact I was out and about the whole of yesterday, I managed to squeeze in some hours of sleep here and there.

Friday marked the end of my hectic week. Like Sarah pointed out, as soon as I started getting worried and desperate for a job almost to the brink of frustration, my job applications got provoked and bit back, and I started getting calls. Most importantly, Wolters-Kluwer called, even after the bust with the recruitment agency. And they got me to sit through some editing tests, which I duly passed very well.

So Friday came, thus interview with them to read into my personality. I'd say the placidity of the two who interviewed me was just an act. A standard procedure to see how their victims withstand pressure. But it managed to throw me off my game just a little. A slight stutter here when I lost track of what I was saying, and a little muck-up of explanation there. Ah well, no-one could be super-perfect. I tried getting them to smile, I only managed a controlled stretch of lips on one, while the other kept on being nonchalant; I smiled on anyway.

They bombarded me with many questions, especially those pertaining to stress, and I cannot say for sure I gave them the answer they wanted; but I gave them what I really felt. It was as honest as I could be. I couldn't possibly tell them, "Don't worry, I'm boring and dull and like doing things that are boring and dull. It's hard to get me stressed doing things I love".

Before the interview, I gave myself a 70-30 chance of getting the job... Now it went down a little bit cos I couldn't read the body language of the interviewers. The played the stoic card pretty well. I couldn't tell whether they were pertial to my answers or not... So I'm giving myself 60-40 now, cos a) I mucked up one answer, and b) because I lost my train of thought in certain questions. But I can't say all that much... I mean, who knows? The possibility of either one happening is just as possible as the other; and as confident as I am, I might not get it as well.

We'll just see how it goes and wait patiently for their call...

Anyhow, Ayus is apartment hunting for me. We might not know the verdict yet, but most people are already very confident I'll get it, and Ayus is one of them. And she's excited at my living in Cyberjaya and had been looking for apartment rooms for me to rent. She's forwarded me some, so I hope to God I get the job so I can live on my own again--finally!

Wish me luck!

Love, Linzy~

"Editing subs", said a friend of Ayus' when Ayus called to ask her what a sub-editor does, as well as how the test would be like.

That explains alot, I thought to myself.

Well, no help there, so I thought I'd just go it alone with whatever skills I have. Yes, today is interview day with Wolters-Kluwer in Cyberjaya, and I was told that I would have to sit for a test to determine whether I really qualify as an editor. When they called me yesterday, they also told me that I was qualified for two posts, so my test would also more or less which post I am more suitable for.

So I got there just before the appointed time, which was at 2pm. Earlier I took the komuter to Bandar Tasik Selatan, took the ERL to the Putrajaya station and got a cab to Ayus' place in Cyberia, Cyberjaya. I got ther s little after 9am, so I spent some time lepaking with the Fairuzs and also had brunch at OldTown. Later they sent me off to FSMB Plaza where the office was.

The office had a very friendly atmosphere to it that I liked. Everyone there seemed high on something and were all so hyper and happy and goofy. I guess that was a good sign. And also, I overheard the guy who called me yesterday, Mr. Raymond, tell his assistant that he's been looking forward to see me. Definitely another good sign. When they handed me the test and led me to a room for me to answer it, I saw the questions and thought it's something that I could do and would love to do. A major good sign.

Ok, lets not get ahead of ourselves.

The test consisted of three sections. The first one was an essay that I had to proofread and edit. I found that one easy, if a little tricky. There were spelling mistakes that were almost undetectable, and subtle mistakes that you would have just passed by (i.e.: the essay was about potatoes, and out of nowhere, it said carrots in a particular sentence). But in an essay, everything is in one specific context, so it was not a problem. The second part however, was similar in my having to correct whatever mistakes, but they were in sentences, which have been taken out of context, thus you aren't very very sure whether something you think is wrong, is. Also, I also had to edit them for length, so I had to cut out words that were unnecessary, even if I thought they should be there. The last section was to test the way I express myself in words, my vocab, my grammar and sentence structures. So I had to write an essay, which is based on a topic I had to choose out of three options. I chose the one that asked what I would to with 100k if it just happened to appear in my account. I had fun writing that.

After the test, which I was given an hour for, I was told I could leave, and they'd probably call me next week, seeing how tomorrow is Friday and they had about 10 pages to look through. I thanked them and left feeling good. The test felt good, and with the little pick-me-up I had from yesterday's interview, I felt that I was close to something. When I was leaving, many people in the lift was wishing me luck, and were saying that they looked forward to seeing me as a permanent fixture in the office. So, another major goodness sign.

I went shopping with Fairuzs after that at Alamanda. My feet were killing me cos I borrowed my mom's sandals, and it was hard and uncomfortable. But I survived anyway walking back and forth, here and everywhere in the mall.

When we got back to the car, and were about to leave, which was already around 5pm, I got a call and it was from Mr. Raymond. He told me that I had passed the test and all that was left was to come for an interview tomorrow at 10am. I was frickin' ecstatic! I passed. I passed?! I passed!!! If I was standing, I would have done the Dance of Joy like Numfar would.

Ayus, who overheard, was already plotting how she'd get her housemate to move out, anticipating me moving in with her :p

Really, I was so happy. I was mostly scared of the test. I mean, I know my grammar is relatively better than most, but I still dunno whether I would cut it as an editor. And to be told that I passed is super-fantastic! Now I know that the test was good for their standards, interview would be a breeze. I mean, not to be overconfident and count my chicks too early; but what I mean is that my anxiety has left, so tomorrow I won't have any of that.

I called Ash as soon as I got to Ayus' place. I was bursting at the seams and just needed to tell him. My parents I wanted to tell when I could see them. I was so excited and gushing when I was telling Ash. And I've to thank you, Sayang, for constantly telling me and assuring me that I could do it.

The Fairuzs after that sent me to the ERL and I got on it to Salak Tinggi, where my dad picked me up. I was so happy to announce the good news and begged him to get me new shoes for me to wear tomorrow. We stopped and I got two :) My mum was equally happy when I told her. And with everyone's assurance and blessing, tomorrow would be a walk in the park (I hope).

So, wish me luck. I really really want this. Pay is good, and the work is something my brain is made to do, so, getting it is so crucial to me...

Anyway, we'll see la, how it all turns out.

Love, Linzy~

A summary of what I did/happened today:

1. Woke up early and my dad sent me to the Seremban train station. I was wearing an overly long pair of pants that I had no time to alter.
2. Went to Adecco International at Menara Yayasan next to Amcorp Mall for an interview for a post as a creative copywriter. I would say it went pretty well. I think my free style essay for a tourism brochure had some impact, along with some paperwork I have to show. Hopefully I'm shortlisted.
3. Walked around Amcorp and was tempted to buy everything. Ended up with a book, and a handbag.
4. Went to KLCC to pick up my Buffy Season 8 #19 and #20 from Kinokuniya. Sat down on a bench and finished both at a go. I cried a little when Buffy [spoiler alert] kills Willow.
5. Went to Galeri Petronas to see the Imaging Selfs exhibition. Enjoyed looking at the perfectly captured photographs of artist(e)s and personalities. Although wishing Ash could be with me so we could enjoy strolling through the gallery together.
6. Fidzy called, and we decided to meet at KL Sentral. Met her and Shu for a chit-chat while I waited for the time I had to leave to Seremban. Their plans on getting hitched this year has not sunk in.
7. Received a call from Wolter-Kluwers (yeay!) to come in for an interview/test tomorrow to see if I fit the bill as a nsub-editor.
8. Went back home, all the while sad that I did not get to see my darling today... I know you had class, Sayang, and I wouldn't want you to skip it, but the very selfish side of me wished you were with me. *sigh* I miss you so much. Hopefully when I get a job in KL I'd get to see more of you. I love you, Sayang~

I do not have the time to elaborate any more tonight. I need sleep cos I'm dead tired and cos I have an interview tomorrow. I'll try writing something when I have the time. Nite~

Linzy.

My mother's not been feeling good since yesterday. She has the flu and a bit of cough, achy joints and painful gums; and today she feels feverish and weak, and feel like her eyes are going to pop out. It's worrying because she has had dengue before, and these symptoms do seem similar.

My father, too, suddenly felt weak and tired, with a slight temperature. Myself, as well, except that other than a slight temperature, my head feels heavy..

It is not merely coincidence that we're all sick at once so we thought it's best that we have a checkup. Especially cos our area, TTJ, is very dengue prone. So safety measures need to be taken.

Doctor said that dengue tests wouldn't be accurate until at least three days of fever, so if our fevers persist over the next few, we gotta come in for a blood test (damn, not again...). I'm just worried about my mother cos she's got dengue before, and the second time is usually worse still, and I don't want her to go through that.

So we'll see how we fare in these couple of days. Hopefully it's just one of those run of the mill fevers that's slightly persistent. Until then, I'll be taking care of everyone since I'm the least demam, cos I mostly am suffering from flu and the rest is bearable. I just hope everyone is ok.

Insyaallah it's nothing serious.

Love, Linzy~

P/s: *Sayang*, don't worry about me. I'll take good care of myself, I promise. I'll be healthy and happy when I come see you. I'll get lots of rest and sleep on time, so don't get worried sick. You know I love you too much to be sick and be away from you for too long. Me miss you..

It's a brand new me... Well, not so much. But it's somewhat of a new beginning. I've graduated and now hoping to get a job soon and start this uncharted phase of my life. And I have been hairstyle-less for quite a while now, so on an impulse I thought I'd give a new look a try and see how I like it.

Sayang, you tak kisah kan my hair short a lil bit? Hehe :)

I think they did a good job. I mean, in the respect that it was well-cut, neat and worth the mere 10 bucks the haircut cost. Other places I've been would've charged at least 20 bucks for a simple haircut, let alone ask them for a less straight-forward style. I was worried at first that they'd do a cincai job since it was only RM10... But they do have quality control, and that's a relief.

So that's it, here's to a new phase of me with my new haircut.

Love, Linzy~

I chide myself for feeling the way I feel; my conscience sends off warning bells in my head that rings loud and clear, toiling that I would wish it different come a day. Believe me, I know all that. The way my brain works, believe me when I say I've thought it out. But I cannot help what I feel; and feelings are not always wise.

I need to be out of here. Not in a dramatic, slamming-the-door-behind-me-and-never-looking-back way of out. But a more subtle my-sanity-needs-space way. I really do.

Perhaps, being absent from the everyday goings-on of home has made me separate and alien to it. Or, as I would prefer to say, my attachment to my family has reached the point where it's time I venture out and test the waters on my own. I need to be on my own now. Or for now.

And a huge part in me screams in protest at this. It's telling me, my family needs me; my mother needs a companion and an ear for her to confide in, my father needs me around for his feeling of security, and my siblings need their big sister. And I've told myself before, my parents aren't getting any younger, and as much as I hate to admit it, but one day, I won't have them anymore. So I chould take this time to appreciate them. And the more I am away, the more I am missing out on my siblings growing up, and each time I see them they are changed. I shouldn't be wasting a single day in their lives...

And yet, there's another part of me that yearns to be free. I need to be my own person now. And as much as I love my family, the only way I can do that is to be away from them. I need to get a job and settle into a place of my own and make my own life, and test their love and advice against the world. For my mind to work, I need to silent my mind into focus, and I cannot achieve that at home. And my sanity needs to be maintained.

There is nothing stopping me but myself. My family trusts me with all my decisions and I can make my move whenever I see fit. But it is I myself who is battling my these voices that are eating me away after softening me up with guilt.

I know that either way, there'll come a day when I will leave. I just don't know when or how. And what I'm battling here is my fear of abandoning my family for the sake of myself. It makes me feel selfish. But I know it'll happen eventually, and I need to reconcile that this is what they would want to, even if they still want me to be at home and never grow up.

And they'll understand my need to break free, but that doesn't mean it will make in any easier for them, or me.

This should have been put into writing sooner, but my state of mind didn't really allow for much thinking and typing to be done. I arrived about an hour and a half before the clock struck 12am, signalling a new year. So whatever thoughts about wringing in 2009 was the last thing on my mind. Although, I do regret not being able to be with my darling who has made 2008 so wonderful and memorable. It would have been a fitting close and beginning to have had kissed you, Sayang. While I'm not one for traditions such as that, but it would have been nice to break the cycle every now and then.

Like I said, 2008 has been all kinds of wonderful. Except for the part I had to move back to Seremban from Kulim. But otherwise, it began on a high note, with the Twisties being at the peak of our lepakness. It was a time of good friends, great adventures and good food to go along with it. Our weekly outings, class cutting, movies, dinners, karaoke sessions, lunches, breakfasts, HS Square antics etc was the highlight of the first few months. Then we got bolder with our all-nighters, Yumi+Ash+me hijacking sessions, and ghost-hunting escapades. And by April, our shenanigans winded to a surprising close with that fateful morning after an all night drive which marked a very very important day for me.

Whenever I think about the morning, I get shivers running down my spine.

Then came May and my taste of a little limelight. Me and my friend, Ayus, were featured in Female magazine and also invited on the talkshow, Venus@NTV7, for a live interview. It was fun and exhilirating, and I was surprisingly comfortable, despite my not favouring being put centrestage. And at this point, I start getting to know my darling and a side of myself that I never knew existed. It's a feeling that spun my world and would be a start of a change in me. Oh, and did I say that short sem began at this time? Also, I still remember that moment in Ayus' car with Ash, and I read the message from Fidzy saying "I'm no longer single". I swear I was catatonic for a few seconds, before Ash snatched the phone and we were both 'Oh-my-God'ing silently.

And there was that slight spell of resentment between me and my mother with her realizing that I was no longer hers alone. But after about 2 hours on the phone with her, all was right, and she started teasing me as usual about theme colours for my wedding.

June came and went with some ups and downs. I wasn't getting anywhere with my Arabic 2, and some pettiness ensued. Thus creating much unnecessary friction. It wasn't a good time, but, by then nothing could possibly bring me down for long now that I had Ash in my life.

July followed next, and so did a new semester. The last for me, I hoped then, and I had to make it memorable. Of course, it started with a bang.. With my world turning upside down and my suddenly finding myself on the other side of another fence. And the months that followed then were fueled with such thoughts of my new revelations, my mind neverstopping, making me having to choke back smiles and diffuse blushes. But it peppered my everyday life with all the more excitement.

The semester progressed on, and despite efforts to make the semester one to remember, the stress of it weighed heavy for those of us graduating. We hardly had time to ourselves, us Twisties, let alone spend time lepaking together. So that dwindled to a halt, although we did have on rare ocassions, had dinner together or so. Despite that, Ash and I tried going out once a week or once in two weeks if I was busy. If not, we were happy just seeing each other between classes and such or even during our MSL class. Nevertheless, whenever we do find our brief moments together, it always fills me with much happiness and love that cancels out any feelings of frustration and exhaustion from neverending work.

Speaking of work, like in anything else one could do, had its moment that made it all the more frustrating. With my trying to juggle everything while attempting to keep a sane mind, it hurt me alot to have my abilities questioned and doubted by people I though who'd know me better. I guess I was wrong.

But then, we had our brief getaway that made me feel all was right in the world.

In any case, with the help of my darling's voice of reason, my mom's logic, good friends who provided an ever-ready ear, I got through the semester in one piece. Exams came and went, and the next thing I know, I was moving out of UIA for good and then staying at home as an unemployed bum and gaining weight. And I was Sayang-less for 6 weeks, which drove me insane. But I finally was able to spend much needed time with my family whom I've hardly had the time to be with for 5 years.

And finally, December came. I get to see my Sayang. I get to see friends. I get to spend time in UIA, albeit frustrated at the finance dept. And then I had a wonderful birthday alongside family and my sayang, definitely the best birthday I've had in years :)

Now, 2008 has come to its end, and we are now embracing a new year... I look back on the year before and I cannot help but say that I am thankful for such a wonderful year, with Ash being the biggest part of that wonderfulness. There are no words that I can possibly use to describe it, but I've been feeling like my heart has expanded and become too big for my chest, because it is as though I cannot contain myself. So, thank you 2008, for all that it has given me.

So here's to 2009, may it be just as wonderful is not even more so.

Love, Linzy~