Sup3rnality

A realization I just had:

I am up keeping myself busy with things I'd only have thought would be something I'd be doing at 16. Or maybe even younger. I've been up all night, and sleep has yet to come to subtly remind me of its looming presence upon my eyelids. There are things that need making, and words that need writing...I'm not going to be sleeping any hour soon.

And I realize that, it's been long since I've been up doing something other than being on the computer. Of course, excuse this entry for I just felt this sudden need to write it. The presence of the computer, or even more, the laptop; has long proven to be a damning necessity, whereby despite it having made things all the better; it has also consumed too much of my time glued to the screen while also rendering me weak by being too reliant on it. And yet tonight, I am detached from it as I arm myself with various stationery; which is a rare sight.

It is not the laptop that is the focus. Not at all. The point is, 'love makes you do the wacky', as Buffy said. Here I am, a 23 year old young woman acting like a lovestruck 16 year old. And it's not a bad thing that I'm mentioning this. It's just that I don't remember ever being this way.

I've never really experienced that feeling of being so in love, that puppy love kinda love that people talk about having when they were still so young and still oblivious to what lies ahead. Been in love at 16, yes, I have. But never have had the chance to live it. I never experienced the anticipation of going to school to see him, walking home together, having recess together, sharing innocent first kisses, talking on the phone for hours on end... I never had that. We never had that chance since we were in a long distance relationship. Nope, I never knew what people were going on about when they discussed highschool sweethearts.

And then, here I am now. I am unexpectedly and blissfully in love at 23 with Ash, and suddenly feeling all the rush of emotions that were absent all those years back when others would have felt it first. And while it's been some years since I was 16 and I'd be joking if I said I had that same kind of innocence; there is still that thrill of youth that comes over me, still that giddiness of a 16 year old girl about to see her boyfriend.

It's crazy and overwhelming and surprising and all kinds of wonderful. And I'm ever thankful for that. Thankful that even after so many years have go by, and getting hurt along the way, I can still love like I've never been hurt. And I love it, this being in love. And I have you, my Sayang, to thank. Baby, I love you with all my heart.

Love, Linzy~

The dream, or possibly dreams I had last night was pretty interesting, if not weird. I say 'dreams' because we have several dreams in a night whether we realize it or not, and often they bleed into one another, therefore giving the impression that they are one.

So anyway, there's this dream I had the night before; an odd combination it was indeed.
I cannot remember them in chronoligal order, of course. Even if I did, it is not like it would make any better sense than if it wasn't. But anyhow..

I think it started somewhere about Ash and me out together. There were two other people who were with us, I'm not sure who but I am quite positive it was Fidzy and Shu. For some reason, we were breaking and entering into places unknown and forbidden... I don't know where but we were climbing over gates and were sneaking past to some restricted areas. I have no idea why.

Then we jump to another scene. There's just me and another person now, though I am not sure who. The main focus here is me, because I am in this wide valley with no cover except for the tall grass. And I needed cover cos I was apparently being chased by a T-rex. Crouching low and running fast was what brought me to the next scene.

Some part of this dream echoes my craving for Nelson's Pick'n'Mix frozen yoghurt which I haven't had in the longest time. Maybe I'm craving it so much it made an appearance... or well, non-appearance. Ash and I were in a mall, when I told him I was craving for that frozen yoghurt (like I was telling him the other day at Amcorp). Miraculously, we found a Nelson's stall, and I ordered my yoghurt. I turned around for a second or so, and when I got back to the lady at the counter and repeated my request, she told me they were fresh out. So instead, I asked for the ice-cream... And so she started making it, and when I wanted to take it, a dude claimed it was his. Turns out, he even took the yoghurt I wanted earlier. At this point, Ash punched the dude and yelled at him.

And the next thing I know, I'm a third person observer watching a spiderman-ish game except it's a monkey crawling around. This monkey just went around and around, then I find out that it was looking for it's owner, a dude wearing a funny yellow fedora-ish hat.

And that's when the dreams end. Weird? Yeah, I would think so. Pretty weird combination, too. But the theme, where I'm running from/chasing something as well as fighting is still prevalent. A reoccuring theme in all my dreams... I wonder what it means? Anyone here a dream reader?

Love, Linzy~

I am now an unemployed bum, as I have been advertising everywhere. I'm done with Uni, and now only waiting for my final results to see what kinda student I make. What kinda student I've been all this time. Results will probably take almost 3 weeks or so... So I have a long time til then. And the next semester (which *hopefully* I will not be a part of) is about 5 weeks from now. So yeah, long time.

In this time, I'll be left to my thoughts to ponder upon what I've acheived all this while. I have to think about what I want to do next. What I want from this life. And the best way to reorganize my life to this new beat I am stepping to, is to make a list of things that needs doing. Mind you, it's not a list of huge things to accomplish. It's a just a basic list of things I gotta do and catch up with while I have time on my hands. Just a little here and there to improve myself and keep me occupied, lest I feel lazy and useless in this time of unemployment.

1. Practice and perfect my driving. I've yet to gain confidence in driving :p
   
2. Perfect my cooking.
   
3. Write up and perfect my resume.
   
4. Think of lecturers I can get recommendations from.
   
5. Go get myself a bunch of passport sized photos.
   
6. Rummage through my huge wardrobe and sell whatever I don't need on eBay.
   
7. Compile and rearrange my notes to give away, keep or discard.
   
8. Clean up my room and the rest of the house.
   
9. Write more in this blog.
   
10. Eat more veggies and fruits and fix the horrific diet I've been on when on campus.
    
11. Write 'thank you' cards to my lecturers.
    
12. Write down the poetry that's been swimming about in my head.
    
13. Download movies online, now that I have the time.
    

Ok, that's all I can think of for now... I was pretty sure I had more on my list. But I can't seem to recall them at this time. Ah well, I shall add more when I remember. Til then, then.

Love, Linzy~

There is no thunder
Without the preliminary
Lightning
The flash of sudden
Illumination
So brightening
When all is dark
It's an effulgence
Blinding.

Here are some words that came from nowhere or for any reason in particular. Just a crazy random happenstance of words exploding from brain. My inner monologue is a perpetual litany of words, and today they just seem to mesh into rhymes; so this is the result.

Love, Linzy~

I remember late into many nights in a pair of years gone, questions passed between us like the little messages we exchange in class. It begins at a rate slow, wondering over what ifs and maybes. And then we delve deeper, principles questioned, beliefs laid out bare, and we scour the hidden recesses of what we keep deep.

Many a night, we played this out. Our two trading questions in the night, answers never wavering, as though we were testing the waters through our words. Always expecting the unblemished surface to smoothen with time. While we go exploring new depths without being submerged.

Then time passes on. And we find that there are so many things that come and go with the tide. I'd tell you, eyes wide, surprised at my own audacity, how there are things that can never be denied. With all sense that keeps on leaving, my answers change; oh, the fickle tide.

And yet, it is long til we find ourselves in this place and time, when the still depths would go rippled, when the air would be disturbed by our heaving breaths and rapidly beating hearts as we jump off this ramp, and say goodbye to the leaving ship. It takes too long, but then, so quick a time.

At some point, we left this path. On the same road we travel, but with different strides, different minds, different walks. But in time, we find the water, one after the other, and take a chance in leaping into the deep end. With passion, we change the stir up the face of the body of water.

You can never step into the same river twice. Yet we make a path through it anyway.
Regardless of the fact we can never retrace our steps. Even if we spilled breadcrumbs, they'd be washed away.

And then we are not the people we were. Out of the water and into the breeze, hair dripping, skin wet, water trailing where our clothes were soaked. We have broken the water's calm, breathed in water to our lungs, and tasted fear as we flailed for a while fearing we'd drown.

Now we walk on. Walk on. We're not the people we were. We left some part of us behind when we reached the banks on the other side. They must've sunken to the bottom, amongst the rocks and the sandy depths.

And we don't mind.

And questions, now? Well, they are rhetorical.

Love, Linzy~

I am, but I won't say it. We'll wait for a few til I can for sure. But I am. I so am. But I'll wait awhile.

I do not regret. I think about it, yes, and dwell sometimes, but regret is too unnecessary, and hence I refrain from it. But I am so. So much so.

I cannot put it into words. There is a word. I know it, but I shall not acknowledge. At least not for a while. Not til the need arises; if it arises. And I hope to God it doesn't.

Perhaps it is premature, these thoughts. Born out of an overworked mind.

But I am so. I am so much. But I'm trying not to be.

~Linzy