Sup3rnality

I’ve been… I don’t want to say. Saying the words, or typing them for that matter, gives it life. Makes it real enough to jump out of the screen and consumes me whole. It commits my colourful life to the black and white of these words against the background. But unspoken or not, there’s no muting the echoing vacancies of unspent time.

I’ve been…lonely. There, I’ve said it. I didn’t want to. Words like that bounces off the walls when there’s no one in the room but you. And no pillow over ears could drown out the sound. I didn’t want to say it. Too proud to profess weakness. Too afraid to make it known. Too tired to make it any more the truth. But I have been, and I can’t shake it off.

I’ve found driving around aimlessly to be a companion. With music blasting to retain my focus, and sudden bursts of speed for a little rush, for a little sense of urgency. I stride about in shopping malls and browse shops just to do something than nothing at all. Staying at home and behind close doors only magnifies the emptiness of my room. So I walk out. I do what I can to occupy the long gaps of time ticking by. Otherwise all I hear is the loud crashings of the seconds-hand announcing the passing of moments gone by.

Friends that I could talk to are too far away. And I often wonder whether we’ve gotten out of touch. I know that we haven’t; cos when we meet we all fall into familiarity; but a lingering doubt reigns, having me dwelling on questions and wonderings. And even if I could see them, I’m not about to pull them into my sense of displacement. Nah, I can’t. Meeting with good friends who are far away is to be made a celebration. And the friends that I have close by, the ones I can easily see everyday, well, don’t live in the same book. Let alone be on the same page. They don’t know me, or think they know me to pass words that don’t belong to them for them to say.

Everyday I’ve been tempted to drive to see Ash. So many times. But time doesn’t permit. Traffic jams and the looming nighttime will only frustrate me more. I’d only have an hour or two, and then I’d have to go again. And times like this, that’s something that I can’t take. I need days. Hours will only find me lonelier, knowing that I’d have to let him go, and not being able to. I’m just counting until I could have days and days of quality time with my Sayang, and for the moment, I do not know when that is.

I’m lonely. I feel like I’m standing amongst people but cannot connect. I need to feel. I need to not feel lonely.

~Linzy

The past few days have been very demotivating for me; so many things have been clouding my mind that I've been very detached, very distant from everything around me. I haven't had the strength to goof and joke and couldn't find the funny in anything. I need a break.

Times like these, the best remedy is not sit in the office wrapped up in jackets with nothing to do. Nah, this sorta feeling calls for lazy days at home curled up in my most comfortable casuals and burrowing under blankets on a nice fluffy couch watching movie after movie. The bonus would be having Ash with me keeping me company as I revive myself from all sense of anger and uselessness.

I wish I was anywhere but here.

No, wait. Not anywhere. I want to be at home.

Not my home in Cyber, cos it doesn't have the things I'm imagining, and I have a very different setting in mind.

Right now, I'm thinking, I wanna be at home in nothing but shorts and a tank top, and not in full on clothing in my freezing office. I wanna be cooking up some pasta and enjoying the making of it. I'm thinking, fettucine carbonara, cos I know Ash loves it. The recipe's pretty easy and the ingredients are attainable, and but of course, it's super yummy. I'd dump them into two plates and we'd pig out on the couch watching movies, without a care. Enjoying a plateful of creamy sinfulness watching a movie with my Sayang by my side; priceless. Oh oh, wait, not to forget some nice blankets to wrap around myself to keep warm, since I always feel cold no matter the time of day. I wanna be all snug as a bug within the softness of the blankets. But wait, come to think of it, I don't want a couch. Instead, I want a cozy daybed with more cuddling space for myself and my Sayang. I want to be able to just lounge about lazily without caring about the time of day and whatever work that might need to get done. I want to recline into a daybedful of pillows in front on the tv, wrapped in blankets with my Sayang right next to me... *sigh* Heavenly. I just know that I have to have a daybed in my house one day. A must have in the tv area. Something like the ones in the pictures. It'll be perfect; it's not exactly a bed but not exactly a couch either. Meaning, it'll have the same cozyness of a couch, but will be single-bed-sized. Now movie-watching would not mean just sitting up stiffly; on a daybed I can lie down, lean back, prop my feet up or fold it under me, or roll around. Much much more fun ;p And to make it even more fun, would be having a bowl of ice cream to share with my Sayang. That would complete it all. The cherry on top, eventhough Ash doesn't like cherries :p. Sinfully good food+cozy daybed+blankets+casual clothes+ice cream. But then again, the ice cream is not what completes the ensemble. It's having my Sayang close, whom I only have to myself one or two days out of a month. Having him next to me, doing something as simple as watching a movie at home, is more than I could ask for.

So yeah, that's where I'd rather be. And who I'd rather be with. I'd choose being with my Sayang over being at work any time of day. That is, if I could be anywhere but here.

Love,

N.e-Q

My darling tagged me in his FB note, so I'm responding to it here:


Things you do when you've nothing to do. Now you've been tagged, read the instructions below ;)

1 - Open http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
(alternatively, if the first article you hit is short, hit Random Article two more times.)

2 - Open http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Open http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop/paint or similar to put it all together.
-I used Picasa 3.

5 - TAG the friends you want to join in.
-Anyone lah.

• the band name is the name of a wildfire that occurred in Arizona caused by a lightning strike during a monsoon.
• the quote is from Salma Hayek which goes "It's very easy to feel someone's pain when you love them"
• the picture is a photo taken by DeDaniel entitled "A Digital Reflection of a Natural Idea".

I have recovered from my semi-depression. I wanted to say get over, but that isn't the case. It's still there at the back of my mind hovering like a dark shadow that is threatening to take over me if I let it. But...I won't. I can't. That's why I say recovered; because so far, I've only been able to blanket it; but it's there underneath the surface.

Yesterday, after feeling detached and emotionally absent from everything and everyone around me, I impulsively took off to Alamanda right after work. I tried booking tickets to a movie online, but they were fully-booked. But I decided I'd take my chances and see if a movie -- any movie -- was available.

So I drove, and I got there, and I managed to get myself a ticket for the 6.15 pm screening of Blood. I've watched several episodes of Blood before, and I know the vague background of the story, so I thought I'd see if the movie would do it any justice. But of course, as movie remakes go, this one is no different. It was boring. The plot was non-existent. Characters were stoned and static with no depth or substance. Had an unbearably childish dialogue. And had amateur-ish effects. Basically a no-go for me. Terminator would have done more for me despite me not wanting to spoil my memory of the first two with the current takes. But then, come to think of it, it was a toss between Blood, 17 Again, Jangan Pandang Belakang Congkak, and Hannah Montana. So, as you can see, I didn't have that many choices.

But the whole idea of taking off was basically to get away and not have to stay home and dwell and wallow in anger. I wanted to be occupied. Needed to. I was lonely and angry and mildly depressed, being home alone with nothing to take up the spaces of my thoughts wasn't on the cards. So bad or not, Blood was as good as anything. Of course, this morning I woke up to the thought that I just lost an hour and 35 minutes of my life, as well as RM8 of my salary that I will never get back.

Prior to the movie, after buying the ticket and waiting for it to start, I decided to head towards Sushi King to have my first meal of the day. I haven't eaten the entire day and was lightheaded and almost ready to keel over from hunger. Yes, it does seem odd to want sushi when you're hungry as it seems virtually impossible to assuage a hunger with little itty-bitty plates of equally itty-bitty pieces of sea creatures wrapped in rice and seaweed. You'd need a lot to get full, and sushi is not exactly cheap. But I was in the mood to splurge on myself and not care, so I went in, sat down and looked into the menu.

My cravings for salmon was yet to be fed, so I ordered every salmon dish I could possibly afford. My main course was a plate of salmon steak, served with some kinda crab and mushroom pudding, rice and miso soup. Believe me, it was good. Then I had salmon sushi, salmon sashimi, fried salmon skin and fried salmon skin hand roll. I even took some to go for my movie and sat happily crunching salmon skin in the cinema as well as savouring every bite of my salmon sashimi.

It was a luxuriously delicious meal. Albeit being not fun since I was eating all alone. The guys working there even took the time chatting me up, seeing there was only one other customer. They were asking did I just finish work, and why I was alone, why I liked salmon so much etc. It was nice of them to somewhat keep me company, and even though I'd rather have been left to my thoughts, thoughts wasn't something I wanted to dwell on. So I obliged them by giving into their small talk, smiled when they tried to joke, and graced them with a smile and wave when they gave me a chorus of thank yous or rather, arigatos, as I left.

It was only then that I rushed off to my movie, watched, and left for home. Oh, but not to forget, I bought a boxful of donuts before I left, and shared them with my landlord's kids when they came over to open up my kitchen door.

Anyway, time off on my own is something I haven't done in the longest time. I don't particularly miss it, I'd rather have company to talk to, or rather, have my Sayang with me for guaranteed cheer-up time; but being on my own for a few hours gave me some time to reflect and think, and put things into a little perspective, without being swallowed up by emotion. It was a good setting, a hustling and bustling shopping mall as a background and soundtrack to my contemplations. Its non-quietness allows me to think without wallowing.

I came out of the Sushi King and the cinema with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. I definitely felt better. Better, but not wholly. But better, nonetheless.

Mission accomplished.

Love,
Linzy

No, the entry below is not accidental. It's not my head hitting the keyboard as I fell asleep on the job. It's not some code to be deciphered. It's not an acrostic or mesostic or making use of initialism to hide what I really want to say. It's not some phishing thingy getting you to clickety-click on links after infiltrating my blog account. It's not a result of hacking or sabotage. It's nothing that I can explain. It's nothing that words can say. It was just me typing out the wordlessness to describe a bad day.

And a bad day it was, yesterday.

But I don't want to talk about it.

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Sorry, this is a little late. Was planning to post sooner, but as mentioned, my new place ain't got no internet connection. Thus, I am off the line for the moment, and all posts for the timebeing, will be written whilst I am at work. But since June is proving to be a rather hectic month, I haven't had the time to sit down and jot down some thoughts.

Anyway, Mimi+Kasim's wedding went wonderfully last last weekend on the 6th in Ampang. My heart swells as I watch another friend married. I get that mixture of emotions ranging from pride, happiness, wistfulness and a hundred more that I can't put words to. But suffice to say, I am deeply happy to see Mimi and Kasim married. I wish all the very very best to the two of them.

It was a wonderful day. With the wedding and the long lost friends and being with Ash, it was many happy things at once. It was wonderful because I got to see another friend of mine happily reveling in her marriage. It was wonderful because I got to see friends whom I have not seen since last year, after my last semester ended. And it was wonderful because I managed to sneak some time with my Sayang in a day, and a day is so precious, cos I only get a few precious days with him in a month.

All in all, a wonderful day. And I await the days when all my friends get married. And myself as well to my Sayang, insyaAllah.

Congrats, Mimi+Kasim!

Love,

Linzy