Sup3rnality

A summary of what I did/happened today:

1. Woke up early and my dad sent me to the Seremban train station. I was wearing an overly long pair of pants that I had no time to alter.
2. Went to Adecco International at Menara Yayasan next to Amcorp Mall for an interview for a post as a creative copywriter. I would say it went pretty well. I think my free style essay for a tourism brochure had some impact, along with some paperwork I have to show. Hopefully I'm shortlisted.
3. Walked around Amcorp and was tempted to buy everything. Ended up with a book, and a handbag.
4. Went to KLCC to pick up my Buffy Season 8 #19 and #20 from Kinokuniya. Sat down on a bench and finished both at a go. I cried a little when Buffy [spoiler alert] kills Willow.
5. Went to Galeri Petronas to see the Imaging Selfs exhibition. Enjoyed looking at the perfectly captured photographs of artist(e)s and personalities. Although wishing Ash could be with me so we could enjoy strolling through the gallery together.
6. Fidzy called, and we decided to meet at KL Sentral. Met her and Shu for a chit-chat while I waited for the time I had to leave to Seremban. Their plans on getting hitched this year has not sunk in.
7. Received a call from Wolter-Kluwers (yeay!) to come in for an interview/test tomorrow to see if I fit the bill as a nsub-editor.
8. Went back home, all the while sad that I did not get to see my darling today... I know you had class, Sayang, and I wouldn't want you to skip it, but the very selfish side of me wished you were with me. *sigh* I miss you so much. Hopefully when I get a job in KL I'd get to see more of you. I love you, Sayang~

I do not have the time to elaborate any more tonight. I need sleep cos I'm dead tired and cos I have an interview tomorrow. I'll try writing something when I have the time. Nite~

Linzy.

My mother's not been feeling good since yesterday. She has the flu and a bit of cough, achy joints and painful gums; and today she feels feverish and weak, and feel like her eyes are going to pop out. It's worrying because she has had dengue before, and these symptoms do seem similar.

My father, too, suddenly felt weak and tired, with a slight temperature. Myself, as well, except that other than a slight temperature, my head feels heavy..

It is not merely coincidence that we're all sick at once so we thought it's best that we have a checkup. Especially cos our area, TTJ, is very dengue prone. So safety measures need to be taken.

Doctor said that dengue tests wouldn't be accurate until at least three days of fever, so if our fevers persist over the next few, we gotta come in for a blood test (damn, not again...). I'm just worried about my mother cos she's got dengue before, and the second time is usually worse still, and I don't want her to go through that.

So we'll see how we fare in these couple of days. Hopefully it's just one of those run of the mill fevers that's slightly persistent. Until then, I'll be taking care of everyone since I'm the least demam, cos I mostly am suffering from flu and the rest is bearable. I just hope everyone is ok.

Insyaallah it's nothing serious.

Love, Linzy~

P/s: *Sayang*, don't worry about me. I'll take good care of myself, I promise. I'll be healthy and happy when I come see you. I'll get lots of rest and sleep on time, so don't get worried sick. You know I love you too much to be sick and be away from you for too long. Me miss you..

It's a brand new me... Well, not so much. But it's somewhat of a new beginning. I've graduated and now hoping to get a job soon and start this uncharted phase of my life. And I have been hairstyle-less for quite a while now, so on an impulse I thought I'd give a new look a try and see how I like it.

Sayang, you tak kisah kan my hair short a lil bit? Hehe :)

I think they did a good job. I mean, in the respect that it was well-cut, neat and worth the mere 10 bucks the haircut cost. Other places I've been would've charged at least 20 bucks for a simple haircut, let alone ask them for a less straight-forward style. I was worried at first that they'd do a cincai job since it was only RM10... But they do have quality control, and that's a relief.

So that's it, here's to a new phase of me with my new haircut.

Love, Linzy~

I chide myself for feeling the way I feel; my conscience sends off warning bells in my head that rings loud and clear, toiling that I would wish it different come a day. Believe me, I know all that. The way my brain works, believe me when I say I've thought it out. But I cannot help what I feel; and feelings are not always wise.

I need to be out of here. Not in a dramatic, slamming-the-door-behind-me-and-never-looking-back way of out. But a more subtle my-sanity-needs-space way. I really do.

Perhaps, being absent from the everyday goings-on of home has made me separate and alien to it. Or, as I would prefer to say, my attachment to my family has reached the point where it's time I venture out and test the waters on my own. I need to be on my own now. Or for now.

And a huge part in me screams in protest at this. It's telling me, my family needs me; my mother needs a companion and an ear for her to confide in, my father needs me around for his feeling of security, and my siblings need their big sister. And I've told myself before, my parents aren't getting any younger, and as much as I hate to admit it, but one day, I won't have them anymore. So I chould take this time to appreciate them. And the more I am away, the more I am missing out on my siblings growing up, and each time I see them they are changed. I shouldn't be wasting a single day in their lives...

And yet, there's another part of me that yearns to be free. I need to be my own person now. And as much as I love my family, the only way I can do that is to be away from them. I need to get a job and settle into a place of my own and make my own life, and test their love and advice against the world. For my mind to work, I need to silent my mind into focus, and I cannot achieve that at home. And my sanity needs to be maintained.

There is nothing stopping me but myself. My family trusts me with all my decisions and I can make my move whenever I see fit. But it is I myself who is battling my these voices that are eating me away after softening me up with guilt.

I know that either way, there'll come a day when I will leave. I just don't know when or how. And what I'm battling here is my fear of abandoning my family for the sake of myself. It makes me feel selfish. But I know it'll happen eventually, and I need to reconcile that this is what they would want to, even if they still want me to be at home and never grow up.

And they'll understand my need to break free, but that doesn't mean it will make in any easier for them, or me.

This should have been put into writing sooner, but my state of mind didn't really allow for much thinking and typing to be done. I arrived about an hour and a half before the clock struck 12am, signalling a new year. So whatever thoughts about wringing in 2009 was the last thing on my mind. Although, I do regret not being able to be with my darling who has made 2008 so wonderful and memorable. It would have been a fitting close and beginning to have had kissed you, Sayang. While I'm not one for traditions such as that, but it would have been nice to break the cycle every now and then.

Like I said, 2008 has been all kinds of wonderful. Except for the part I had to move back to Seremban from Kulim. But otherwise, it began on a high note, with the Twisties being at the peak of our lepakness. It was a time of good friends, great adventures and good food to go along with it. Our weekly outings, class cutting, movies, dinners, karaoke sessions, lunches, breakfasts, HS Square antics etc was the highlight of the first few months. Then we got bolder with our all-nighters, Yumi+Ash+me hijacking sessions, and ghost-hunting escapades. And by April, our shenanigans winded to a surprising close with that fateful morning after an all night drive which marked a very very important day for me.

Whenever I think about the morning, I get shivers running down my spine.

Then came May and my taste of a little limelight. Me and my friend, Ayus, were featured in Female magazine and also invited on the talkshow, Venus@NTV7, for a live interview. It was fun and exhilirating, and I was surprisingly comfortable, despite my not favouring being put centrestage. And at this point, I start getting to know my darling and a side of myself that I never knew existed. It's a feeling that spun my world and would be a start of a change in me. Oh, and did I say that short sem began at this time? Also, I still remember that moment in Ayus' car with Ash, and I read the message from Fidzy saying "I'm no longer single". I swear I was catatonic for a few seconds, before Ash snatched the phone and we were both 'Oh-my-God'ing silently.

And there was that slight spell of resentment between me and my mother with her realizing that I was no longer hers alone. But after about 2 hours on the phone with her, all was right, and she started teasing me as usual about theme colours for my wedding.

June came and went with some ups and downs. I wasn't getting anywhere with my Arabic 2, and some pettiness ensued. Thus creating much unnecessary friction. It wasn't a good time, but, by then nothing could possibly bring me down for long now that I had Ash in my life.

July followed next, and so did a new semester. The last for me, I hoped then, and I had to make it memorable. Of course, it started with a bang.. With my world turning upside down and my suddenly finding myself on the other side of another fence. And the months that followed then were fueled with such thoughts of my new revelations, my mind neverstopping, making me having to choke back smiles and diffuse blushes. But it peppered my everyday life with all the more excitement.

The semester progressed on, and despite efforts to make the semester one to remember, the stress of it weighed heavy for those of us graduating. We hardly had time to ourselves, us Twisties, let alone spend time lepaking together. So that dwindled to a halt, although we did have on rare ocassions, had dinner together or so. Despite that, Ash and I tried going out once a week or once in two weeks if I was busy. If not, we were happy just seeing each other between classes and such or even during our MSL class. Nevertheless, whenever we do find our brief moments together, it always fills me with much happiness and love that cancels out any feelings of frustration and exhaustion from neverending work.

Speaking of work, like in anything else one could do, had its moment that made it all the more frustrating. With my trying to juggle everything while attempting to keep a sane mind, it hurt me alot to have my abilities questioned and doubted by people I though who'd know me better. I guess I was wrong.

But then, we had our brief getaway that made me feel all was right in the world.

In any case, with the help of my darling's voice of reason, my mom's logic, good friends who provided an ever-ready ear, I got through the semester in one piece. Exams came and went, and the next thing I know, I was moving out of UIA for good and then staying at home as an unemployed bum and gaining weight. And I was Sayang-less for 6 weeks, which drove me insane. But I finally was able to spend much needed time with my family whom I've hardly had the time to be with for 5 years.

And finally, December came. I get to see my Sayang. I get to see friends. I get to spend time in UIA, albeit frustrated at the finance dept. And then I had a wonderful birthday alongside family and my sayang, definitely the best birthday I've had in years :)

Now, 2008 has come to its end, and we are now embracing a new year... I look back on the year before and I cannot help but say that I am thankful for such a wonderful year, with Ash being the biggest part of that wonderfulness. There are no words that I can possibly use to describe it, but I've been feeling like my heart has expanded and become too big for my chest, because it is as though I cannot contain myself. So, thank you 2008, for all that it has given me.

So here's to 2009, may it be just as wonderful is not even more so.

Love, Linzy~