Sup3rnality

Coincidentally, I've had three of these happen within 12 hours. The first being a conversation I had with Ash last night regarding how we grew up, socializing and language preference, the second being a conversation with my teammate Saiful (he too graduated with a degree in English) about the usage of the English language in schools/unis and its stigma, and the last was a talk show which had "Mat Salleh Celup" (loosely translated as "wannabe Westerner") as a topic of discussion.

In a nutshell, these three centered around speaking English (in Malaysia) and its repercussions.

For myself, this is not a new piece of thought to chew on. It has been one of the many banes of my existence eversince the day I discovered the hard way that not many approve of the language I speak, and that dear people, was when I was only 3 or perhaps younger.

There are of course, many ways to look at this. Factors to be brought in would be one's upbringing, social factor, surroundings, exposure, thinking and a myriad more. But since this is my blog, let me have my say in the way I see and experience it. Like everyone else, I have my reasons for being what I am and nothing anyone could say will ever change that.

Let's lay down the basic facts first:

• My first language is English, and I only started understanding Malay when I was about 4 or 5, and only grasped my Malay conversational skills when I was about 6.
• Reason? My parents were concerned that if they did not start me young in practicing English, I would miss out and not catch on. However, as it turned out, English developed to be my first language and Malay faded into the background. 
• I grew up very very sheltered and hardly socialized. My closest friends all spoke English. I was only exposed to other people when I entered kindergarten. *I hate it when people say I'm a spoilt brat who don't want to leave home and socialize. Truth is, I could not. I did not have a choice. So shut the hell up and don't criticize my upbringing. I didn't turn out judgmental, insensitive and rude, so I think I'm alright.
• Hence, I never really developed my Malay speaking skills and I cannot carry on a full and proper conversation in Malay without feeling awkward and conscious. 

My personal experience regarding my speaking in English:

• Socializing was difficult. Not only did I have limited exposure to other kids, I spoke in a different language altogether. And on top of that, having grown up with books and all sorts of educational material, I never had much interest in talking about boys, gossip and who's who. 
• When I speak in English, well, there are the positive reactions, and then there are the bad. And the bad? Everything from oh-my-God-who-do-you-think-you-are-you-must-think-you're-so-much-better-than-everyone-else-cos-you're-speaking-the-language-of-the-West, or you must have no self-respect and patriotism because you're speaking the language of our colonizers, or even, you must have very low morals because you speak the language of the immoral devils of the West. 
• People talk down to me or not talk to me at all because I'm not like them. Or they offend me by refusing to speak Malay to me even when I do thinking that I would not accept someone who speak to me in Malay.

My thoughts on the matter:

• The talk show I watched had valid points, and the guests they invited put forth some interesting outlooks. They invited a couple of Malay guys who grew up overseas, and a caucasian guy who grew up in Malaysia; and they gave some very good point of views and experiences. But I still feel this need that this has to be reiterated and drilled into the minds of people. First of all, language cannot be associated with a culture. Like how once learning German was banned thinking that it might spread Nazi ideology; learning and speaking English does not mean you adopt the lifestyle of people who started speaking English in the first place, so why the fuss about learning it and speaking it?
• Maybe my parents are at fault for not balancing those two languages, but so what? That doesn't make this matter any less a point. Why is speaking English so wrong?
• I can be patriotic in any language I speak. I understand that our own national language is an identity that we should be proud of and I don't deny that. But to think that not preferring to speak Malay undermines what I am offends me. Of course, the fact that language itself has been politicized doesn't help any, ie literature written in any other language than Malay is not considered to be valid to be called Malaysian literature. And here I thought the concept of a multiracial and multilingual country meant something. One Malaysia my arse.
• Speaking English means I'm immoral? I am emulating Western girls? First off, you are generalizing people from the Western hemisphere to be evil. That alone has me putting your name down for future avoidance. Second, you are judging me from the way I speak only. What happened to not jumping to conclusions? 

I say wake up and smell the identity. Malaysians are so hung up on "identity" but could hardly even agree on it. We are first and foremost people. Human beings. That's the way God sees us anyway. We are not race, or colour, or language. We are people. Why so much fuss on the language I speak? Melayu akan pupus? Malays will grow extinct? BS la. It's this so many restrictions on definition that is eroding our sense of self. We do not know how what we are because we are constantly at fight of what should and should not be, which widens the possibilities and narrows the term Malaysian.

It's not that I don't speak Malay at all. I do. When situation and company calls for it. But in situations where I have a choice, I choose English. Why? Because I express myself better. Those listening get what I'm saying and reads me loud and clear. And I feel comfortable that way. And even then, often I mix both languages at once for the benefit of others and myself, especially when I get that sidelong glance like I'm a disease.

This issue goes much deeper than just what I'm saying, and if I were to really go in depth, I'd be better off writing a paper. There is just too many angles to look at this. And I know some people will not understand or agree with what I say...but like I said, these are my thoughts on it and this based on what I have endured in my lifetime. I'm not saying that this is what should be, but this is the ignorance that I think we are suffering from.

Language is the words we choose to use pass a message on to another. It is a choice. It is a preference. It should not matter what language you choose to speak. You are what you are.

And I?

I'm a gorram Mat Salleh Celup, so sue me!

Linzy~