Sup3rnality

In the short moments I managed to find the solace of sleep after many restless and sleepless nights, I dreamed deep and found you there. Your arms were the welcoming comfort I've been longing for, and you held them out for an embrace that calmed the troubled waters of my heart.

And in all the days spent in the moments of that brief dream, I believed it was true, thought it was really you in ways that only you could be. But I stirred, and my hand clutched emptily at the void on the bed, and I felt the shatter of a hope that brought me to tears yet again.

food has lost its taste
there is always too much space
heart beats with much haste
false smiles etched on my face
feel like sleeping for days
and dream dreams i cannot chase

'Tis not the dark I fear, but the thought I'd lose my way, blindly drowning deeper into the shadowed depths of a yesterday's setting sun. I've been lost before, found comfort in hiding teardrops in the black of night. But this, this is something else.

Surfacing plays like a heady dream at the edge of consciousness, like deep-sea diving and looking up at an all too distant sky that feels like at the point of your fingertips. Just a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit, a little... And as the last seconds tick off the moments you have left breathing, you realise that you never get closer, but is just the illusion from the gentle sway of the water, distorting light as if it was only but a breath's reach.

I'm drowning still in the dark. Choked from the void. Stifled from this blanketing silence. I've been here before, yes I have. The restlessness a familiar stain that never washed out. Many a time I believed I made part of the ensemble; a painting of rejection, the tearful resignation, made to be broken again and again, fixed up, then back again. You'd think I'd have numbed it down, hollowed by secondhand heartaches, and bleached through with empty smiles.

I've been here before. The dark knows my name, knows that he was once the only company I knew and knew I own the deep-seated fear of being sent to him again. But it is not him I fear. No.

They say, it's darkest before dawn. And in my doing time in the recesses of the stillness before the break of the light, I felt the swell of the morning bright. I've been saved by the dawn once, like I knew he'd come.

But this time, the shadow cast over my head leaves me trapped in a fog that thickens the air and suffocates me. I'm drowning without hitting bottom nor seeing the light of the sky, and I don't know if I'll ever see it again.

Oh tell me, tell me if the water off my back is the morning dew, the gentle gift of the break of a new dawn. Or is it a dream, and am I slowly drowning deeper down.

We have to stop meeting like this. Say goodbye to the night and leave the rain we use as guise. And you have to stop dropping in, saying "hi" from time to time. Just let my lonely nights go on by.

I could have sworn I pulled the lock, thought I saw you to the door. But here you again, like you did before.

Then I'd boil the water, steep the tea, and from across the divide of the table, again you'd say, "join me".

"Didn't I say hearts get in the way. Everyone gets a chance to play, but in the end, all losers in the fray. Didn't I warn of storm and thunder, hearts being torn asunder in the rapid heat of blinding blunder. Didn't I say, you'd come back to me. Reminded of what it used to be. A shadow of yourself is all to see".

Well, maybe, maybe. But I know how Misery loves company. And you're here only to make merry your lonesome party.

We have to not meet like this ever more, because I don't believe in you anymore. No matter what I said before.

This is only but a moment. A fraction in the infinity of time spent. Step aside and let it happen.

I don't know what got into me last night. Hormones, maybe?

I came down with a slight case of paranoia. Heck, 'slight' is the understatement of the century. Make that paranoia of gigantic proportions. It was a case of fear, and worry and a sense of doubt eating into my faith.

Damn you, doubt.

I assure you, I'm fine and all is good in my world. It just needed to be put back right at the axis. And now I'm spinning fine again.

Life is full of uncertainties, yes. One is right to question things to get a deeper understanding. And in my questioning and fleeting doubt, I only love deeper.