Sup3rnality

Saturday morning, I was being seduced into cheating on Asdil.

In a dream, that is.

But it felt real. So real that I woke up feeling uneasy, feeling like something was wrong and that there was dirt on my hands that needed washing off. But there was also a sense of relief, knowing that the dirt was there not because of my own volition.

I dreamt that a man wanted me, knowing full well I was not to be had by anyone else but Ash. I remembered him at first just hanging out with me innocently as friends and nothing more. But then I noticed him inching closer, finding excuses to make subtle skin contact with me. It felt like all kinds of wrong, him touching me, and yet he just couldn't be deterred.

I was uncomfortable and scared; as it became more apparent he wanted more than just spend some time with me having coffee or such. And when I tried to make a get away, he grabbed me by the waist from behind and tried to kiss me. I don't remember what I did then, but I wrestled my way out, disgusted. He was frustrated and angry, saying we had chemistry and that we'd work together, better than anyone else could. I remember telling along the lines: that I already belong to somebody, willingly and wholeheartedly, and we fit perfectly together.

Waking up from that left a bitter taste in the mouth, violated.

But I remembered the most important thing about that dream: Even despite it being a dream, my own subconscious, I'd choose my Asdil over anyone else. I couldn't want for more than what we have. I am content as his and only his.

When I told Ash about my dream, we joked about it. But jokes aside, I hope you know Sayang that what I say in the dream is not a random words tumbling out of my mouth, but it was what I really felt and thought. I have no desire to in any way risk the love we share.

It reminded me of what my mom told me once, after watching a talkshow about cheating wives. She said that women who are content with their partners would never stray. It is not in their nature. Women are, for the most part, in it for the longhaul, and those who walk out the door (putting aside those who are abused/mistreated etc, of course) are often discontent, want attention, or don't know what they want etc. And I somehow have Elton John's "Sacrifice" video playing in my mind now...

I'd like to think just that. Like what my mother said. Why would I want to stray? I am content. I am loved. And I belong. I couldn't ask for more. He gives me all that I want and more. And he makes me feel exactly how I've wanted to feel.

Love,
Linzy

I somehow came across this site which allows you to ask a person anything you want, and you can either stay anonymous or announce yourself as the person who asked.

I thought this was pretty cool because of two main things; the first being the fact that I love filling in forms and questionnaires. And the second would be because it would be interesting to see what people would like to know about me, or would want my opinion on. And they have the freedom on whether they want to make themselves known as the asker, or be blissfully anonymous as I find the words to answer the question, not knowing by whom it was posed.

Of course, it goes without saying that I will answer the best I can, as long as the questions are reasonable and answerable. And in the even any sensitive and/or candid questions be asked, I would answer tactfully, and would give a non-answer if need be.

But go ahead. Don't let that stop you. Let's see what you've got for me.

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Sup3rnal

What was this:

Hazlin Aminudin

Sub-editor

(Australia B - Tax & Accounting)

Wolters Kluwer Enterprise Services Partners 

Level 3A, Plaza FSBM,

3539, Jalan Teknokrat 7,

63000 Cyberjaya,

Selangor Darul Ehsan,

MALAYSIA.

Tel. (O) + 603 8312xxxx ;

       (M) + 6012 xxx xxxx

E-mail: Haminudin@cch.com.my

www.cch.com.au

Accurate. Authoritative. Relevant

Is now this:

Hazlin Aminudin

Sub-editor

(TaxCo)

Wolters Kluwer Enterprise Services Partners 

Level 3A, Plaza FSBM,

3539, Jalan Teknokrat 7,

63000 Cyberjaya,

Selangor Darul Ehsan,

MALAYSIA.

Tel. (O) + 603 8312xxxx ;

       (M) + 6012 xxx xxxx

E-mail: Haminudin@cch.com.my

www.cch.com.au

Accurate. Authoritative. Relevant

Can't see the difference? Check beneath my title "Sub-editor". It now says "TaxCo". I thought it would be hard having to leave my team when I leave the company. It is difficult as it is, just moving out of the team into another.

Damn fascists!

I'll miss you Australia B, we had some real good times :)

Come rest your
Tired limbs
Weary eyes
Ragged heart
Let's sleep off tonight
Take a break from the fight
First light is another 'morrow
Let me take your
Battle scars
Aches and breaks
Your worries at the gate
And cast all the world 
To outside our door
I'll rush them to the fore
These only hands will
Mend breaks
Soothe aches
Smooth dregs
And bring you to your rest
Reining in the beast
For a sweet release
As the gathering dawn breaks
And another battle awakes.

(c) Hazlin Aminudin, 2010

A sleepless night watching the peace of the slumbering dawn, breathing in the seconds til it rises.

Disclaimer: Picture taken from "The Shape of Things..."

Two years ago, my Asdil -- the other half of me -- and myself discovered a mutual spark between us that would bring us to where we are now. And we've stoked that spark to a flame that burns bright independently and surely.

My thoughts run dry as I search for the words to describe the feelings that I feel for him, to say how thankful and relieved I am for that one special day that we just found that spark in the dark. Those words, as much as I would like to think that I have a hold on them, merely dance along the edges of my heart, and could never dream to fall deep enough to drown and  test these deep waters.

And this day, this anniversary of ours, is just a day. It could be any other day, and I will still love you, I will still be thankful for this very same day, two years ago. I will thank whatever urge, whatever instinct, whatever voice that told me to turn to you that day and fall into the unknown with you. It can be any other day, cos I'm not counting, as those days will count on and on until we can't count no more. And it can be any other day, and yet we remember it because without it, who knows whether we would have ever done the same thing at another time, or that we would even feel that spark again.

So, because of that Sayang, I will not try to put this love into words, it'll only put my love to shame. But to commemorate this day, let me just say, I love you. You know how much, because I try everyday to tell and show you but never seem to feel justified. But I know you know. And that's what matters most.

So again, I love you Asdil.

Love,
Hazlin

It's the little things that could make everyday life wonderful. Often it's not the over the top gestures that get me, but the often taken-for-granted things that are often overlooked that gets me, and it puts on a smile on my face the whole day.

The little things that I love in my everyday life:

• Waking up to a wonderful sight of dawn.
• The janitors around my apartment (the one at my old block C1 especially) who are always ready with a "good morning, miss".
• Upon reaching my office building, stopping by at the side of the road to buy my morning dose of nasi lemak and/or meehun (or I eat it for tea time or lunch if I'm not going out). The man who sells the nasi lemak is always smiling and very friendly.
• My team's spam mails that we send each other, but really, it's the accompanying commentary that is really fun, not the original content of the email itself.
• My one-on-one lunch sessions
• The small gestures that he presents me with that may seem small and insignificant to some, but means the world to me
• Cooking dinner (when I do cook)
• Chatting with my housemates, or colleagues
• My gtalking with my mom/Sarah/Raqib and occasionally others
• Reading my daily comic, LICD
• Our saying goodnight to each other before I go to bed.

There is more than this, and perhaps I've even typed all this out before. But these things are so beautiful to me that it needs constant repeating. It's really the simple things that makes life all the better. And I thank God for letting them happen every day. And I thank God that I still have everyday to have these things.

Love,
Linzy