Sup3rnality

It's only Wednesday and I feel so drained. Like, really. There's so many things to do but I haven't gotten started on any of it. It feels like my body is walking ahead of my mind. Or my mind is ahead of my actions. Whichever one it is, I'm out of sync. There's alot of catching up needed.

I need to find a sort of balance right now. Because it feels like I just can't focus on the tasks at hand. I have a lot of work which needs doing, group discussions and 5 days-a-week classes that hardly afford me some rest time. I just need a little getaway to find my center. Some time to think and organize my thoughts into neat little folders so I can actually function in class; so that I won't have my brain struggling to roll down the Nusaibah Steps while my body is already in class.

I guess this is the disease that eats you up within; the thing I would name "Pre-graduation syndrome".

My mind is not on campus anymore. Don't get me wrong. I love classes. I love discussions. I love assignments. I just basically love the college life. But the anticipation of something new and much bigger; the bigger picture of life, I'd say; is stealing the thunder of my last semester. My mind is constantly wondering what my life would be like leaving the familiarity of my room in Nusaibah, the IRKHS building, the classes, the Square, the HS cafe (I still have that fantasy to fulfill, by the way), the library and the whole thing. Who'd I meet once I'm separated from my Twisties? How often would I see my sayang when he's still on campus and me at home or working or whatever?

All of this is constantly at the back of my mind, drumming a steady but annoying beat. And it wanting to contend with everything else in my head (i.e. classes and work etc) is making my mind a little too jumbled than I like.

I need to find my center.

I need to find Ning Jing.

Again, I ask, can we have a little getaway?

Love, LinZy~

Last night was one of those nights. One of those nights I used to have sometimes when all I could feel was a frustrating helplessness that made me feel weak and alone. Of course, I refer to 'one of those nights' as a rhetoric to myself. It's not like I told anyone of those nights so that anyone can recognize last night as being one of those nights...I'm not making any sense, right?

I'm just saying, it was one of those nights last night. And I didn't know what to do to assuage the feeling that made me feel so alone. The best thing that I could do was to find something to dull the sharp ache in my heart and try to occupy my time so I'd not think about it much. The answer? Laundry. Zuma Deluxe. Spider Solitaire. *sigh* It was just one of those nights.

I don't know what brings me to feel the way I feel sometimes. It happens for no apparent reason, it just happens. And when I'm like this, well, all I need is company. So Ash sayang, if you were wondering why I called many times last night, this was why... It's weird, I know; but it was just one of those nights.

I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling helpless and that nothing I do is right. I hate not being able to rely on myself. I'm so used to controlling my life and being in control, that when I feel vulnerable and unable to overcome my own demons, I get so upset.

But then again, I know that I am blessed with people whom I love and love me back in return.

And when I say all this, it does not mean that I do not feel your love, no matter where you are.

It's just one of those night when serenity is too far in the 'verse to catch up with. It just happens sometimes. It's just one of those nights.

I need to find Ning Jing again.

Love, LinZy~

I just want to getaway.

No, I'm not feeling depressed or angry or anything remotely bad that makes me want to run away from the world. It's just that I have been having so little time to spare for the people I love (Ash, my family and my Twisties and friends I've not seen since forever-that means you, Hamzah, Alfred, Suneetha and the BENdits, too.....but in this entry's context, I mean mostly youlah sayang) that I just want to drop all my responsibilities for the moment and have a sort of reprieve. I know it's not possible, but I can dream, can't I?

It doesn't have to be anywhere fancy. Heck, I could lock myself in a house and switch off all modes of communication and pretend the world just revolves around that house and there would be nothing outside the door but darkness. And I'd be happy to stay just like that. Of course, we'd need to stock up on some food and all, but otherwise, I would think that we'd need nothing else.

Can we?

*sigh* I know we can't. That would require me having to rewire my brain to not be so worrisome and not so much of the Responsible One. We'd have to stop time. We'd even have to look for someplace where no one would look so I can pretend that the world does not exist for a few days.

But nothing like that could happen, so I guess that the least I could do is be content with the now.

Maybe we can plan something soon?

Love, Lin~

But your class is really boring.

I mean, really.

You're nice. You have that very fatherly type of way and I'm very very positive that you're a nice person. You have had an interesting life with lots of stories to tell. And I'm sure you're a very good journalist as well, seeing how you've been the judge for many competitions. And you're very knowledgeable at that. I guess it's the way journanlists should be...

But could you please, for once, stop talking about yourself and focus on the point of the class? Please pretty please?

It's the third week, and we're still on the introduction of feature wrting. You take up almost two classes just explaining the 5 different types of feature writing and prattle on and on til the explanation just loses its flavour. It gets so tiring after a while. For crying out loud, sir; you're supposed to make writing interesting and fun, not boring.

And I dunno, maybe it's the fact that I'm an English Language and Literature major (in a classful of journalism/communications majors), but I feel rather insulted when you continously ask how to pronounce this and that, and what this or that means. Some of the more unfamiliar words or terms I understand your doing that, but the more common ones? *sigh* It doesn't help that you have that slight tone of superiority when you ask... Not in the rude way, but in that I-know-better way. I hate that tone of superiority when superiority is not due.

I just get really bored in that class. I mean, it's my last semester, and I want to have fond memories. Not the feeling of total relief of being free from boring lecturers... Cos when it all comes down to it, I love lectures.

So yeah, I can't wait for this substitute lecturer to go and for my real lecturer to come back.

Hazlin~

My dear baby Spike,

it's been two years, and I still miss you so. A part of me is still left hollow from your absence in my life. I miss you. I still contemplate the many ways where things could be different from the now. How you could still be here. How I could return home and still hold you in my arms... Oh, how I miss you. I'm still sorry, I am so. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me most. I am sorry for a million and one things I could have done differently... I know regrets mean nothing, but I do anyway. For that's all I can do with you not around.I know words will always stay as words, because I'll never have you back, dear. And my heart aches. I love you, dear.

Always will. I love you wherever you are.

Love, Me.

This semester is proving to be time consuming. So far not as tiring as I thought, since I have sufficient rest on alternate days; because my Tuesday and Thursday classes end at 1pm, so I have time to catch up with rest for my Monday and Wednesday classes that end at 5pm. But like

I said, it consumes so much time that I hardly have time to myself. Not to myself per se, but time to do things that I want. The free time that I do have is usually needed to do my readings as well as get a little shuteye. And even if I wanted to do anything then, it would be at night or at a time when going out is not possible.

I have yet to really spend time with the Twisties and catch. You know, like the old times, just going out and having a drink and laughing at pointless things. Those are very therapeutic, and I miss them so. It's one of those times you get to see your friends outside the academic setting, therefore, less talk of classwork and therefore less stress or rushing to one class to another. And the looming reality of graduation and life drawing near, it's comforting to talk it out and laugh it out as well, just to take the edge of the cutting knife.

I'm also having lesser and lesser time to spend with my family. It's not enough that I have to juggle between my parents and my aunt/uncle, but nowadays I have to juggle them between classes. Sometimes I feel bad for the time constraint I have when with my family. I'd be struggling to spend time with them as well as get some rest for the weekend before I start the week again. Sometimes I'm so tired from the week that I get a little cranky and one too many times I take it out on them. It's not fair to them, I know. But my impatient nature sometimes come to the fore and I find myself saying before thinking.

Even more so, I'm having so little time to spend time with my sayang, Ash. My schedule is rather packed as compared to his, so all the time we have to spend would be during lunch time.

And even then, his Literary Criticism class ends at 1.20pm, so on Mondays and Wednesdays I only have less than an hour with him. It's even more frustrating, because of the fact that this is my final semester, and while he'll still be here for a few more semesters; so after this semester is done, seeing you, sayang, would mean having to meet outside campus...*sigh* I'm so living in Shah Alam when all is done. I can't not see you.

I'm wishing for a little reprieve. Maybe some getaway, either with you Twisties or just with you, sayang. I know it's just the third week of classes, but the need to have a little time to myself and the people I love is overwhelming at the moment. I wish I may, I wish I might...

Just because I don't have time to spend with you does not mean that I do have you (all) on my mind or do not care. I will when we can. But all we need is time...It's all about time, and its elusive ways.

Love all of you guys, LinZy~

What language do I use when words leave me? Use my hands as pens and etch out the memory? This is what I have, this is all that can be. When I can't construct words, the words take over me.

Firelight, firelight
In this room, burning bright
Nothing else in sight
Just this blinding light;
Like a star, I wish I may I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.
Sigh...
Firelight, Firelight:
Is all there is tonight...
Damned if it's wrong, damned if it's right,
Set me up in gasoline, set me alight,
I don't care, just burn me up in firelight.

Love, LinZy~