Sup3rnality

Is it too much to ask to be able to go on with my life without having to look back and ponder what-ifs and cry? Why does the past haunt me endlessly? And worse of all, why do I still cry?
Why do I still cry for ghosts whom have long ago left their haunts and wander somewhere else? Why do I cry their loss? Why should I? Why why why? When these ghosts have already forgotten that part of their once-before life?

I woke this morning from a wonderful dream I would have rather not have. It reminds me of what I can't have, what I lost, what will never be. And it was so vivid that Sarah said I was laughing and stuff in my sleep. I was so happy yet so sad. I wanted cherish that supposed incident forever... But I woke up to find out that it wasn't real. Not at all... It was just a dream. Only a dream... It only happens in dreams...

I can't get it out of my head. I can't... I just can't.

I'm sorry for being weak. I'm sorry for even feeling this. Damn it, why should I even feel this? I shouldn't. I promised myself that I wouldn't. But I miss you. Forgive me for that.

It’s Thursday again, and the knowledge itself gives me an immense sense of relief. I get to go home today and get away from this God-forsaken place. But best of all, I get to watch Buffy tonight (Yaaay, I get to watch Spike!)!!! Tonight’s episode is “First Date” where Buffy goes out on a date with Principal Wood and Xander goes out with a dudette he met at a hardware store or something. Later they find out that Principal Wood’s mom was actually a slayer (the one Spike killed in the train) and that (as usual) the dudette Xander went out with (which is played by Ashanti, by the way) is actually a demon. Hehehe…I so can’t wait.

Ok, so enough with the Buffy speak…*Sigh* I’ve been a bit tired lately. Not the physically, I-want-to-sleep-now type of tired. It’s more of the mental kind; the kind that drives you crazy cos there’s all these thoughts in your head that you can’t get out and it makes you toss and turn in your sleep… That’s the kind I mean. The thing I’ve been getting tired of are the people who think they know me but actually don’t. I’ve come to realize that there are quite a number of these people.

I’ve never realized their existence, or maybe I have; it’s just that I’d rather pretend I don’t hear them and overlook the entire matter. But I guess I’ve let them off too easy. Now they think it’s ok to talk however they want to me, whether rudely or sarcastically, thinking I would find them funny when it’s at my expense; just cos they think I’m so easy, such a pushover, so laid-back cos I hardly ever get mad; just cos they think I’m their “friend”, they can treat me however they want and I’ll always be ok with it cos they are my “friend”. I have feelings too people. Just cos I’m very lenient and don’t hold any grudges or hard feelings against anyone doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt by words or remarks or don’t get angry altogether. It’s just that I choose to think that people don’t really mean it and that it is a slip of the tongue. But then again when you say it over and over again like a broken record, trying to bring me down, how can I say that it is a slip up?

I’ve always had this problem… Where people say, “Oh, Hazlin’s a very nice person. She NEVER gets angry.” I get that a whole lot. And it tires me. Back in school people will ask me for help with work, usually it would be about their English homework and I’ll help out the best I can. Yes, I always help, no matter if I’m busy or not at that time. And it’s not cos I’m being insincere about the help I gave that I am saying this, it’s just that when *I* ask for help, especially in Accounts, they would say they’re busy or they don’t know and ask me to ask someone else when in truth they have finished that particular exercise and just can’t be bothered to share. Well, I dropped Accounts later; but not without shedding light on something: now I know who my real friends are.

And back to what I said about bringing me down with words; yeah, I’ve been getting tired of getting that from people. They make me feel worthless. I may be hard to anger or hard to displease, but if there’s one thing that gets me down instantly is being put down, looked down upon, and made insignificant. Whether some of you people meant it as a joke, all I’m saying is that think before you actually say them. How would you feel if I actually said to you? Repeatedly at that. Wouldn’t you be offended yourself if I were to say the same thing about your family? Don’t you ever think that before you say anything? Or are you the kind of person who only thinks of him or herself and couldn’t give a damn about other people’s feelings?

I don’t want to be angry. I don’t like being angry. But sometimes some people just ask for it. I am not a subject for ridicule so you’ll feel better about yourself. And even if you have to do it, keep my family out of it. It’s enough that you make me feel like some uneducated bitch from the other side of the universe; do you have to insult my family as well? And to make it worse, these people who say this are my friends. Heck, if that’s the case, I have more respect for the Bitch(es) on Patrol™ then.

I understand that some people say these things to feel good about themselves. And I also know that some people say it without realizing that it is an insult; and even if they do know, they think it’s ok to say it thinking that I’m so nice, I wouldn’t get offended or that I’ll laugh along just cos they’re my friend and that I’ll never be cross with the. Bull.

That’s why I can’t wait to go back for the weekend. Although it’s only for 3 days, it’s enough time to make me feel ok again and ready to face another mentally-trying week on the Holy Grounds of the Hellish Grounds.

So to all you people, friends, supposed friends, people who don’t like me (cos well, I don’t have any enemies. and even if I do, it's cos they don't like me. So that's their problem) and strangers alike; have a safe (Fizzy, when I say safe, for you, I know it can mean a thousand other things) weekend. Love you all.

Love, LinZy.

If opportunity knocks, is it ok to hesitate to open the door? Or are we to open the door without a moment’s thought? But then again, maybe the precise word is not “opportunity”. I think it’s more like a second-chance, a second chance to do something over again. Must I just welcome it in without even thinking whether this “second-chance” is still needed, whether it is still welcome? It’s confusing. Second-chances usually have a shelf life…

When I say second-chance, I mean it in a way that you are given a second-chance to experience something again; to experience again something which you have lost. I don’t mean it in a way that you are able to go through something again so you can correct your past mistakes. So…would you take this “chance”?

No, it’s not that I am given this option… I was just pondering this idea. The thought just made itself apparent in my mind and it made me think, it made me wonder. It’s just that I have been waiting, no, hoping that this chance would come along; but now I wonder whether I still want it. Somewhere in me, there’s this wonder that makes me long for the chance to relive a certain lost portion of last year in a different way. But another part tells me that I no longer need this chance to reach a sorta finality.

It’s just confusing… And eventhough I do not want to because it is absolutely pointless; I wrestle with these two separate opinions. I am not in need of a particular choice. It’s just my thoughts going wild. And yet I still have to torture myself with these thoughts… *sigh*

Anis’ birthday was on the 9th of August on Monday… I wanted to post an entry sooner dedicated to my dear friend Anis on her birthday but well, due to my Dad’s procrastination in getting a phone line and a net connection, I am netless for a week. And I so wanted to send an e-card or something… But I manage to send her an SMS though. I hope that makes up for it Anis… So, I know this is like super late to write but what the heck? HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY ANIS!!!! Love you loads! I’ll see you soon ok? *Hugs and kisses*

Ugh….2 more months and I am out of this Hellhole aka Holy Grounds aka UI…. Well, you know the rest. I just can’t wait. Well, Gombak is another thing altogether but at least the place there is more liberal. I don’t think they’ll treat us like inmates there…

Actually, besides that stupid piece of mind-confusing thought I had that disturbed my already quite disturbed thoughts, there has been nothing on my mind. Well, there is that nagging at the back of my head telling me to start on my BTQ assignment, but that doesn’t count. Procrastination is an acquaintance of mine. When we’re hanging out, I do his biding; which is like nothing.

So, what has been on my mind? Hmm…… I’ve been listening to these following songs excessively for reasons unknown:

1.“Broken”- Seether feat. Amy Lee
2.“Pretty Good Year”- Tori Amos
3.“Hold On”- Sarah McLachlan
4.“I Shall Believe”- Sheryl Crow
5.“Always”- Bon Jovi
6.“You Belong To Me”- Jason Wade
7.“Nothing I’ve Ever Known”- Bryan Adams
8.“Fallen”- Sarah McLachlan
9.“Write Me A Song”- Edwin McCain
10.“Song To Sing”- Hanson

These songs are practically on permanent repeat, especially Hold On. I guess it’s just comforting. All these songs are of the easy listening variety. Hopefully I didn’t make the neighbours crazy with my sometimes off-key singing way into the night until…well, 5am or so. Hey, I am not that bad at singing you know. It’s just that I can’t reach the high notes when singing Sarah Mclachlan’s songs. But I do have a trophy to prove that I could sing to save my life *blushes*. Man, I still can’t believe I did that singing thing in front of my entire school 5 years ago… Heheh, Ayus, if you’re reading this: remember all that singing practices we used to do at my house? And then we actually sang! Song to Sing by Hanson… Remember how I kept forgetting the second verse, the one where I had to do solo? You wrote the lyrics on both my arms and I had to hold my arms out to keep from mucking up the lyrics. Hahah…those were the days. We were known as the Hanson girls after that…

Did I have a good holiday? Well, so-so. I caught up with my sleep, I finished doing some computer assignment thingy I had, listened to my CDs in the comfort of my house and my “casual” clothes, and watched ALL my BUFFY DVDs… Well, not all, just certain episodes of certain seasons.

What else? Oh yeah, played “You Don’t Know Jack” on my com repeatedly. I recommend this PC game to all of you guys whom have been “well-informed” since a very young age due to excessive reading or excessive exposure to the real world. It’s a gameshow type of game where you have to answer some trivia questions which are either lewd on its own, or is just asked in a dirty manner. This question I got, I had to categorize these name of toys as either children’s toys or well, uhh… the-opposite-of-children’s toys. And I got it all correct… Oh, come on, I’m not as perverted as you think. I *happen* to get it all correct. Besides, the names were so obvious… As if some sicko would name a child’s toy--- Uhh, I think I’d better stop.

And besides that, nothing else. No shopping, no hanging out, no excursions or what not. But it’s ok with me. I prefer just chilling at home. Just me in a tank top and shorts and there’s no need to get worried that some sexually depressed (excuse the term) woman from the college’s office would come up to me and start lecturing about the proper attire in the college… Yes, non-Hellish Grounds citizens, no tank top or shorts allowed; even if you’re just gonna wear it to bed. I dunno whether it applies to the guys, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it did.

Hmm…I seem to be obsessed with quite a number of things these days… I just realized that. A few of these things are:

1.“Glow” perfume by J-Lo (I love this perfume…me and my mum practically fight over the tiny bottle that I have)
2.Cadbury’s Picnic Chocettes (the absolute YUMMM!)
3.Clothes that have strings or that which require tying
4.Buffy, Angel & SPIKE (so what else is new?)
5.Justea with Aloe Vera

Heheh…I did hang out after all (this portion of this entry was added later). I dropped by Shah Alam before I came here to the HGs so I managed to get in touch with some old friends of mine. I hung out with Fairuz and Nasyrah in Shah Alam Mall, catching up on stuff. Yup, us three Hanson Girls… Yeah, I sung with them those 5 years back… heheh… I haven’t met up with Nasy for over a year. It’s good to see her again. And after that, after Fairuz and Nasy left, I met up with Alfred. Yup, I haven’t seen that dude in months. It was good to catch up on things. Just to know what’s been going on, what’s new and all the other things I do not know… I had a great time meeting up with old friends. Too bad Iylia couldn’t come with us. Heh, I’ll see her some other time then. Anyways, thanx for the great time guys. I miss you guys loads.


*Sigh* Back on the Hellish Grounds I am. It brings relief and tiredness at the same time. Tiredness because of the stupidity of the entire place and of certain people; and the relief comes from the knowing that I have to endure this place for just another 2 moths. And then it’s freedom… Well, not really… but I’ll take whatever’s better than this. Gombak is surely better than this.

I’m slowly going more and more insane staying in this place. Last last week I spent almost 2 hours in the corridor outside my room singing and jumping around at 2am. Sarah was laughing her head off in the room and I was knocking the door repeatedly, each time pretending to be someone else. I even raced her to the room from the 4th floor at 1am... Damn, this place is consuming my brain. I don't recall being this retarded sometime back...

So okie dokie then… here is where yours truly will sign off. Love all of you guys (whom I know)…. Take care!

On this same date, 5th of August, last year, 2003, a traumatic incident scarred Julia, Sarah, Lina and me… WE GOT STUCK IN THE BLOODY SCIENCE BUILDING LIFT!!! We were happily talking in the lift after Arabic class as it started to descend when it suddenly stopped, right in between two floors. We really panicked; especially Lina who started screaming for help. The guys who were still on the top floor peered at us from the upper floor of the 2 floors we were stuck between; and they were snickering at us. I was quiet at first, trying to figure out how in the world we were gonna get out of that predicament when the lift started to plunge quite fast to the bottom. At that moment I really thought we were done for cos, well, falling from that height…surely the impact would be fatal. So, Julia gave her phone to me (cos well, knowing me, I almost never have enough credit) and I dialed the number that was under the logo of the lift company. While I was trying to be calm and explain the situation we were in, the lift suddenly started to slowly and normally move downwards and opened its doors on the ground floor where Anis was laughing her head off. We shaken and relieved came out of the lift and at first were trembling; then we looked at each other and laughed like a bunch of crazies together with Anis. And then, Julia said “God was trying to tell me something” and we laughed more… Now, one year from that incident, I’m happy to say that we still are very much alive and kicking and Julia is another year older. Yes, the incident with the lift happened on Julia’s birthday. And she’s probably reading this and laughing remembering that silly day we had. And with that I want to wish you Julia a very HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY!!! Cayang you!!!!

(Sigh) I have a computer exam tomorrow and I haven’t studied squat. I’m just so lazy. All I ever do these days is play lame games like “Same Game” and read Angel and Buffy transcripts. And even worse, I sleep and sleep and sleep. I just hate that. It makes me feel so useless.

Oh, but I finally got permission to go back a day earlier, meaning that I am able to go back on Thursdays instead on Fridays. So I’m not gonna miss any Buffy episodes after all. Yaaay! No more missing Spike…Hehehe… But then again, I could no longer go online floor 3 hours on Thursday nights… Don’t worry though, I’ve decided to go online every Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons to make up for Thursday.

Oh, I forgot to tell the whole Picture Taking Bangladeshi incident. You see, last Saturday in Sunway Lagoon, my dad’s company had their family day. It coincided with another company’s family day and this particular company had loads of foreign workers. So you could say that the place was crawling with Vietnamese, Bangladeshis, Burmese, Indons etc. And these people, they were snapping photos of themselves happily next to a bunch of flowers, the pool, some kiddie ride and even next to a lamppost. Lamppost? Yup, a lamppost…WITH ME IN THE BACKGROUND. I only realized too late that they were trying to get pictures of me. Even after they have walked quite far off, they were still zooming their cameras on me and snapping photos. And before you think that I’m just boasting that some dudes wanted to take pictures of me, let me explain to you why I’m telling you this story in the first place. Well, Fizzy came up with this theory that it happened to me thanx to my mischievousness. You know how I like to secretly snap photos of my lecturers that I don’t like and totally disfigure them. She thinks it’s a punishment…Heheheh…. Yeah, I have to agree, it must be a punishment. As flattered as I was that some people actually want pictures of me; I am peeved by the fact that pictures of me are in some stranger’s album…Eeeew….

Hmm….for some weird reason, the other day while I was in the car listening to the radio, I cried when “Angels” came on. It was all very sudden and the next thing I know I had tears flowing freely. OK, fine, I know why it happened, but I didn’t expect something like that would happen. Sure I get a sudden rush of emotion but usually that’s just about it. That particular day, I dunno, maybe I was feeling a bit vulnerable.

I do not like to say that I hate my life. I hate being so negative. I love my life but sometimes the things that stand in your way, posing as hurdles are so unbearable that it just breaks you. There are times when things just come to you unbidden and mar your entire day and make you fall into misery. Just a few minutes ago I received something that just wiped off whatever trace of happiness away from my face. There are just so many things up in my head disturbing me, and then, yet another comes in without knocking, unwelcomed. Makes me so sad, so angry. Sometimes, I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up until everything bad has come to pass. I want it out of my head. Out. Out. OUT!

There were more things that I wanted to say. More thoughts I wanted to put into writing, but I can’t anymore. Not now that is. The thing that came charging at me a while ago has rendered me sad and angry. So maybe I’ll just leave you with this at the moment. And until I can sort out my head again, this shall be all.

Bye people. Good luck in your COM I exam. Have a great holiday (nevermind the fact that it’s only a week). And JULIA… HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN! *Hugs and kisses from me*

I've been trying to figure out life lately... Well, fine, not lately. I try to figure out life all the time. I try to make it into something I could understand and accept. I try to make it form words. Finding words so I could turn life into something you can read again and again so that I can find the hidden meanings in between the lines.

But then, how exactly does a person put life into words? It's like putting a 100000-piece jigsaw puzzle together, especially if it's the scenery kind. The cerulean blue of the sky is practically the same on every other piece, and one can't really tell which green blade of grass actually goes where. And worse of all, when you think you've got the right piece, you would only find out that it doesn't fit. It pretty much applies to how difficult it is to simply compose life into a mere essay. Words just don't seem to do justice to it.

Hmm, I'm comparing life to jigsaw puzzles now. What a lame analogy. Well, yeah, like I was saying, life; I've been pondering it. Not too deep to the extent it hurts my head but enough to actually come to terms with some stuff I've been unable to accept. My alone time at night has pretty much paid off. Besides, don't tell me I've been ruining my eyes sitting in front of this computer day and night for nothing.

I was thinking about just how much I've changed within the time span of a year. I never thought college could make a person feel so much older, so jaded. It makes me feel as though all that time I spent in high school was ages ago in some other lifetime. Now I'm here in this bloody place of suppression and I feel like I aged too fast or something.

I also have come to accept that we can't have everything we want. No matter how much you want it, how much you pine for it, if it was never meant to be yours, it just isn't. Painful, yeah, but there is such a thing as moving on. There is such a thing as healing although the process takes time and it's not exactly easy. All I can say is, well, there's always this space kept well for good memories, for times when I need to reflect and remember...Only the good memories, to Hell with the bad ones.

I thought of how much I need comfort. I'm still stumped (Fizzy, not Stumpy ok?) by this. I know I need it. I know that it is something I am lacking right now. But I don't know how to get it, how it looks like or what it is for that matter. But this I am certain, I will know it when I see it. And until it crosses my path, I am left here to wait in vain without comfort.

I am not saying that I'm not comfortable. Believe me, I have a comfortable house, this stupid room in college is small but it's comfortable enough to sleep and live in temporarily. I'm comfortable with what I'm doing, never mind the fact that it is in a University that is prejudiced; I have a great family and great friends... But inside me I know that I need more than the tangible things. What I need is something intangible. Something inside myself needs to be comforted, needs...gravity. Something to keep me grounded; so that I wouldn't fly too close to the sun like Icarus. Yeah, ok, now I'm comparing myself to the Greek dude who flew too close to the sun. But yeah, I guess that's it, gravity...although I might just come up with another theory next week or in my next entry.

For some reason this song is on my mind, for quite some time in fact. Since last week or so. But I keep forgetting the last verse and it annoys me like mad. So here it is. I finally remembered.

"Absence of Fear"-Jewel Kilcher on Spirit

Inside my skin there is this space
It twists and turnsIt bleeds and aches
Inside my heart there's an empty room
It's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you

And I am wanting
I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear

Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In their separate skin
I make myself translucent
To let you in, for

I am wanting
I am needing of you here
Inside the absence of fear

There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity

My hands will adore you through all darkness aim
They will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name

For I am wanting you
And I am needing you here
I need you near
Inside the absence of fear

That's about all I can get off of my chest. I think I may be able to sleep tonight.
Thank you to you people who actually took the time to once again read the goings-ons in my head. I appreciate it loads. Love you all. Peace!

6.45pm, 25th July 2004, (offline) in my room ZC 209B

Sunday; I’m back here again. Back here in this Hellhole I am supposed to call home for as long as I am here. It disgusts me being here. Being subjected to their ridiculous rules, their bias judgment, their disapproving stares… I get sick and tired just by looking at this place. No, it’s more than just feeling tired or disgusted; it’s way beyond that. It’s pure loathing. It makes me feel hatred like I’ve never felt before. God, you have no idea just how tempted I am to just torch this place. But that’s another part of me talking; the part of me that just doesn’t care about being rational; and I for one would love to ignore that that part of me exists.

The reason why I applied for this place; well, apart from the fact that there are no other Universities offering English Literature, was because a part of me wanted to be more Islamic. Well, I guess that sounds pretty weird coming from a person like me with “hole-y clothes” and all but yeah, I wanted to instill something more in myself. Even if I wasn’t ready to fully surrender myself, I wanted to know more. So maybe at least when a time does come, I would know what the right thing to do is and not be misguided.

But imagine my disappointment when I came here and saw what the word Islamic means to them. To them, women whose tudungs or hijabs are not right down to their waist can pretty much go to Hell for all they care. They may not say it to your face, but they have disparagement evidently etched on their faces when they glance critically at me or any other person for that matter. And it makes it worse being an English Lit student.

You see, most people here detest we English Lit (BEN) students for reasons unknown. Apparently because most social problems are committed by us BENs. But whose to say that all of us are like that? Of course the answer is no one but what the Hell do they care? As long as they have someone to put the blame on, they’re pretty much happy. Never mind the fact that a lot of other students from other courses are screwing around (damn it, forgive my language).

The funny thing is, in Akhlaq class, we are taught the apparent Islamic way of life. It IS the Islamic way of life, I’m not questioning it or anything but it is a total irony that our ustazah could actually teach us that Islam does not judge people by their appearance and dressing and status but not practice it herself. You see, what happened was that during a discussion, we happened to object to this group of guys blaming women totally for the rise of social problems. I mean, I understand that some women are just asking for it but not ALL. Most of the current rape cases involve religious men for God’s sake. Raping their daughters and what not. So the question is, if they really are religious, why can’t they control their libido then? And besides, how can you blame the daughters, when most of them are just kids? So that’s what we were arguing about and because of that we were condemned by the Ustazah. Damn it, it was a discussion. We were not satisfied with those guys’ opinion so we argued. Simple as that. But why the heck must we be looked down on? Sarah aka Ms. Fingerprints actually got pulled aside by her asking us to leave her class. Aaina aka The Silent One was asked by her; “Surely your friends are involved in many social problems…?” It’s not right to judge people she says? F*** off.

Coming here to this place I call the Hellish Grounds, did not strengthen whatever faith I had. I think I was stronger before I came here. Not to say I am losing faith totally but to be more precise, I am have found my respect for the so-called perfect muslims waning. These people, the supposed people of God not only judge us but think they are so perfect that no one but them will actually set foot in paradise… Hmmmph, that’s where they are all wrong. They think they would, after all their condemning every people they do not see worthy? Well, we’ll see.

I guess I am just so tired of this masquerade; having to be false just to please them. Having to listen to their criticism, stomach their stares… I try my best to keep my temper in check. I try to keep quiet, hold my opinions in to avoid argument. I’m tired of being yelled at, being treated like inmates or for us girls, like sluts, I just Goddamn hate it. Just because I don’t look like their ideal student doesn’t mean that I am an unworthy student. Heck, I go to class, I do my assignments, I participate in class when I have to or when I have something to say. But then again when I do say something, they slam me down like I am an insignificant little fly.

The problem is, all these people think they are guaranteed a place in Heaven or something like that. And all the other people are going to Hell. And instead of being the good muslim they supposedly are and “show” us the right path, they just glare at you and don’t really give a damn, just as long as they are safe; or so they think. Islamic University… Wow, they are far from that. So very far.

And here I am thinking that college life would be a blast after a so not happy time in high school. Nope, no blast at all. More like an a nuclear meltdown to me. My life here is laden with lies, rebellion, rule breaking, rudeness, hatred and all the other things that never were in me before. I am disappointed in myself beyond words, but most of all, I am disappointed with this place.
I guess all I want right now is to be free of this place. I know I can’t be totally free, so what I want is to be able to take break from it. That’s all I can ask for I guess…

I’ve got another 3 more months till I’m outta here. So, for now all I have to do is be patient… Yeah right… It’s either this place will be burnt down to the ground by yours truly first, or this place will finally take its toll on me and get me into a psychiatric ward. Until either happens, which I hope it will not, I’ll just have to stay here… And go insane.

Oh God, I am such a bum! I hate waking up late in the morning and sleeping too much. It gives my head excruciating headaches, which I can’t stand. And it makes me feel like a useless bum! But due to the fact that there is absolutely nothing to do in this God-forsaken room, I have to resort to either sleeping the day away to pass the time or stare blankly at the computer, hoping that by some untold miracle, a fairy would pop out and make my wishes come true; say, make Spike real perhaps…? No, perhaps not, too dangerous. I might not get to my classes then. Probably get myself an invisibility cloak. And then, apart from sneaking out; I can raise Hell and bully the Hell out of the Cucumbers aka Security Guards or perhaps Mr. Stumpy.

But then again, that’ll never happen, will it? Fairies…just too far fetched. Never mind making Spikey real. Hahaha… If wishes were horses, they’d all die from exertion. I’d make a wish every few minutes that they’d just die… Hmm…if I did have a fairy or some other kind of wish-granting creature, what would I actually wish for?

1.Money!!! I know that sounds so materialistic but who doesn’t want a bit of extra cash to splurge with and not feel guilty for using it up all at once?
2.The ability to turn back time or just go back to reflect and see what I should have done or could have done.
3.Invisibility Cloak! Cucumbers and Mr. Stumpy here I come!!! By the way, to the people who are wondering why I call them Security Guards Cucumbers; well, it’s because they wear these terribly ugly Green uniforms that resemble cucumbers. Hence the name Cucumber™. BY the way, the name was given by Zeph.
4.Hmmm….what else? I would say I want every Buffy merchandise I can find, but I guess the cash would cover that. Oh, I want to travel the world. So, maybe teleportation would be cool. I can go anywhere without passports, or airplane rides.
5.Perhaps I would like to be granted more patience. It may sound like a lame wish, but I just hate my temper. I can be so irritable with people and end up snapping at them without meaning it.
6.Hmmm…Ok, physical stuff. I want better skin. God, I hate my skin. Especially on my arms and shoulders. It’s just so…Ugh! It annoys the Hell out of me.
7.Can I wish for a more relaxed mind? Especially now with my head all in a mess. Right now I would love to be able to close my eyes and not be bothered by disturbing or haunting thoughts.
8.I want a certain kind of comfort. The kind of comfort which can make me feel alright no matter in what condition.
9.Do I daresay that I want the ability to read minds? There was a time when I so wished that so I know what a person really needs so I could make them feel better… Now I don’t know whether I still want that…. Well, then could I say I want peace everywhere? Cos then I wouldn’t have to go through each person to make them feel better.
10.And lastly, well, I don’t have any other ideas really… Hmm…perhaps, right now, I really want FOOD!!!! I am so freaking hungry. It’s 4.50pm and I haven’t eaten since morning. No, it isn’t one of those crazy diets thingies; it’s just that there wasn’t anything to eat at the café and all I can do is wait til dinnertime.

Man, I am starving… But I am so not looking forward to ZC food cos it’s so inedible and damn expensive! The least they could do to make up for the super expensive food is to make it tastier.

And I want to get free, talk to me. I can feel you falling. And I wanted to be all you need but somehow here is gone… I dunno why that popped up in my head. That would be the Goo Goo Dolls’ song Here Is Gone from their album Gutterflower. I so love John Rzeznik. Hmm…I’m still wondering why that song just burst out of me.

Oh, I’m back again. I left for 10 minutes to get me some food. Thank God I was there in time. The food just came out from the kitchen and no one was there just yet. If not, even buying food could be a fight to the death. Surprisingly the food was quite cheap; but then again maybe it’s cos the dude who charged me was the dude wholikes to chat me up which is like- EEEW!! But an advantage at the same time. Surprisingly I actually took a bit of this eggplant thingy… me being a carnivore and all. But it doesn’t tastes so bad so, hey, I’m cool with it. But it just strikes me funny how I actually took that in the first place.

15 minutes later…

Okie dokie, I’m done eating. Now I’m really full… Well, at least I’ve eaten and I don’t have to worry about food. Now I can sit here in the room and laze about… Man, what a boring life. Currently listening to Modern Rock 2 on MP3. Right now I have Here Is Gone blaring in my ears.

Anyways... Well, I've nothing else to say really so I'll stop here. Going out with the BENdits tomorrow as a makeup for not being able to go to Zeph's going away party. So, well, I'll see you next then. Bye everyone. Love you. Take care and have a safe weekend.