Sup3rnality

Bloody Hell! Like a pagan, I come here again and again. Offering my soul or something like that. To the extent of wasting my money on internet surfing. Here I come, to this blog, for what? For solace? Huh, screw solace. Cos today, it's all bout STUMPY! Yeah, you read that right: STUMPY. Fidz and me so did something jahat today. Hehehehehe.......So, today wasn't all that boring as I thought it would be.... classes would be the typical yawn-inducing sessions and the 1 and a half hour break would be the well, just a break. But hey, there were some things that happened that made me laugh....and that would be: Well, truth be told, it wasn't that JAHAT, but it was a start. You see, we put in this really stupid notice we took from ZC about hanging clothes on the clothesline into his mailbox. I mean, I SOO WONDER what his EXPRESSION will be when he opens his mailbox and see THAT! Hahahahaha...... Oh man, I'm so plotting on what to put next. Hmm....damn, peeps, I need to go-for now. If I have the time, I'll put in another entry tomorrow okay?????? So, for now, goodnight goodnight, a thousand times goodnight!

Well the weekend has been pretty uneventful as very much anticipated. Just the normal hanging-around-the-house routine in this good-for-nothing place called Seremban. The only thing I did for the past few days is cry my eyeballs out watching the Buffy and Angel DVDs I got the other day. Especially the Angel episode “I Will Remember You” which is the one where Buffy comes to L.A and some sad stuff happens. Hmmmmm… that’s all I have been doing I guess. Apart from the typing of my upcoming blog entry which I am doing right now while listening to Amy Lee’s haunting voice... Evanescence’s songs always somehow help me let my thoughts flow onto the substitute-for-paper screen with all their angst-y and suicidal lyrics… As it is I’m listening to “My Tourniquet”. How’s that for suicidal?

Like I said in my entry before, the crisis my family goes through are never-ending. And I always get stuck I the middle; listening to both sides of the story and left to deal with my own emotions. Sometimes I wonder whether they remember that I too have feelings. That I too feel the pain of whatever they’re going through now. I reckon that whatever they’re going through pretty much got worse after the move. I always thought that. I always thought that running away to another state will never solve the problems. My feelings and heartache about the move aside, I always knew that it would only spawn more problems and more crises. But did anyone listen to me? No. Why? Because I’m just a “teenager” who just thinks about her own feelings and don’t consider others. Bullsh*t.

My family has always been the perfect thing in my life. As much as I hate to boast, but yeah, it was true. Well, in my opinion that is. There was a time when I as so proud of my family. My friends love coming to my house cos they felt at home in my house, with my family. But now so many things have changed. I guess nothing lasts forever, huh? Now I practically wake up to a nightmare. A perpetual nightmare, if you will. One that I can’t just wake up from.

Besides the all the things that have been happening, I’ve also found myself drifting away from my mother whom once I was very close to. Who was someone whom I could always depend on to tell about the stuff that has been happening in my life. It happened after the move. But I don’t know really whether it was triggered by the move. Or whether because I found other means to pour my heart into. I dunno; but whatever it is, it has left me bitter and half-crazy. As if I wasn’t enough already.

Now I’m pretty much a whole different person. I swear like no-one’s business. I plot to do crazy things I wouldn’t do on a regular basis or, not do at all. I am corrupted; even worse than I was before. My parents of course do not know about this side of me. I keep it well hidden under my “normal” demeanor at home. And even if my mother (who I deem is psychic) suspects I am different, she does not show that she knows. I have yet to meet my old friends from school. I wonder what they’ll think of me.

Change. I know that it’ll happen eventually. Although I never anticipated for it to be like this. For it to consume me and spit me out of a mould that pretty much doesn’t resemble me at all. I feel like I’m older than my age. Like my soul has been sucked into a vortex and aged a whole lot faster and then returned to my body which is still the same age as when it was left.

“Suddenly I know I’m not sleeping…”

Yes, I’m not sleeping. It’s bloody reality and I would give up a whole lot of things to go back to a slumber where everything is how I want it to be. To go back to dreaming.

Well, talking about sleeping and how I wish I do not have to wake up from a beautiful dream; I’ve somewhat been having recurring dreams. I say “somewhat” recurring because the settings and circumstances are different but it features the same thing. I’ve been having dreams where coincidentally I’d meet with my ex-boyfriend and things that have been happening between the two of us would be cleared and we would go back to how we were. Go back to a time when the world could crumble outside my window and still I could feel comforted. So many times I had prayed and wished that, but the only place where that happens are in dreams. Only in dreams. The latest dream I had about that is so fresh in my mind that the very thought of it makes me want to weep. I’ve never been so hung up over a guy and these dreams that have been happening have left me dumbfounded and even more confused. Left me to grieve again.

And only after I have wrote that entire paragraph about him do I remember that I had actually given him the address to this particular page. To this blog of mine. But I’m not going to take back my words. That much is true, what I have said. What I say here are for my own personal comfort, for my solace. I do not cope well with judgment, so just accept what I said. These are my words, they are my choice. Take me as I am, or don’t at all.
So, well, that’s a pretty long entry I’d say. For now, I’d leave you to savour that. And until next time, thank you so much f putting up with me again, and I love you guys loads. Whoever you are. Wherever you are.

-LinZy-

"FALLEN" by Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Well, that pretty much sums up the feeling that I feel right now. I'm feeling shitty and so 'f'ed up (excuse the expression) that I'm speechless. I dunno what to say, how to react but all I know that I just want to sleep an endless slumber right now and forget that I have a life. Forget my name. And maybe I will find comfort somehow. Even if it was just for a while.

As usual, my family's having a crisis again. One of those kinda things that I don’t really want to elaborate or talk about it much. I'm the middle man again, listening to every damn thing they have to about each other and never realizing how much they are hurting me. Most of you pretty much know what's happening; so thanks for listening when I needed to vent out those stuff. You have no idea how much it means to me; how thankful I feel to have someone listening to me when I feel so alone.

The things that have been happening kills me so bad that I just want to break down and cry. But as usual, I can’t. I dunno why, but I have forgotten how to cry. It’s a form pf expression I no longer can do. And it just frustrates me when I can’t let the tears that has formed to just come out.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with life at all. No matter how much good I do, there are always other things that threaten to pull me down .They try me with all their might to break my strength, to weaken me; and at times they do succeed, and yet, I still stand here with the faith that in time, I will prevail. I wonder how? But I believe it.

It's amazing and I amaze myself. The faith I have for this world is really weird. A good friend told me that she envies people who still have faith in this world and I agree. Eventhough I myself am one of them. Sometimes when I feel like I just want to forget this world and run away; there's always this nagging that keeps me going. I guess it's the little things that keep on letting me live. The little acts of kindness that so helps me when I'm down.

Whatever it is, I can’t deny the fact that life is a bitch. try as I might, I can’t runaway. But one thing's for sure, it sure is a much better place when there are people like you around. the kind of people who still reads the stuff I write; like what I'm writing now. People who bothers to know what goes around in my head. And I appreciate that. I love each and every one of you. And I am thankful to have people like you as friends.

Well, til I catch sight of another CC again, this will be the last entry for the week. I'm going back to Seremban now aka the bloody stupid place. So I'll see you guys next week. Love you guys! -LinZy-

WHOAAAA!!!!!!! Now that was terrific, crazy and unbelievable day. Wow!!!! Due to the night classes we've been having and a total class free(during the day) week, the BENdits decided to go to Berjaya Times Square yesterday. Fidz and me went there from her home since I was stayed at her house the night before (and talked until 4am til we couldn't get up in the morning!) and waited for the others for more than an hour. We walked around doing practically nothing... nothing until we came across this DVD shop that sold so many DVD titles (pirated of course). While I was browsing, Fidzy found a whole stack of Angel's 1st season DVDs. I was soooo gonna scream. I took the whole and stack and even better, there were also a whole stack of Buffy's 4th season DVDs. At that particular moment I so wanted to cry out of happiness...Hahahaha..... the things I'd do to get Buff Stuff. So I did buy one Angel DVD and Fidz bought me one Buffy DVD although if I had the money, I'd buy the whole set which would have cost me $156. I would you know, just not now. But sometime soon hopefully.

After waiting for like, ever, the dudettes finally showed up. It turns out that all of us either wore white or black. Coincidence or what? Although Anis and Liyana weren't with us, it was good being able to hang out with the dudettes again. We then went off to the theme park which just gave me the creeps just looking at it.

Thank you so much Julia for helping out with the cash part cos I was really short of cash and well... Thanks so much. I really appreciate it. I so owe you one. So, whatever it is. The whole thing was a bloody blast. After going on the sad, sad kiddy ride which according to Zeph was the coolest ride, where everybody we passed waved at us and Fidz tried to kill Zeph, we went on the rollercoaster which so made me scream. Despite me being incredibly afraid of heights, after the initial ride which left me grasping the handle bars for dear life, we went on for another round, right after the first!!!!! Then there was the 360 degrees thingy which left me even more freaked out cos of being suspended in the air. I was really worried for Aaina though because she was so gonna faint and it would have been really dangerous if she really did. I just closed my eyes all the way thinking that I was gonna die of fright. Then we went on a few other rides which weren't so life threatening except for this one ride which looked so innocent, but then was so deadly, I would have killed Sarah just then by squishing her! And Fidz who was sitting right in front of us was so about to kill Zeph! Hehehehehe..... Oh, and there was this guy who came to talk to me and Zeph and was such a busybody asking bout our age and stuff. But when he found out that we were below 20, he sorta like left. Hahah.... Man, it was such a crazy day. We left after that, after checking out this major cool t-shirt shop and buying a bit more DVDs. Sarah, Fidz and me caught a monorail to KL Sentral and then caught the Putra or something to Kelana Jaya where a friend of Fidz's took us back to Fidz's house.

Once back there, I was so bushed that I DID try to sleep, but then again, I couldn't. So, we then left to go for our classes where Fidz, Aaina and me hardly could keep our eyes open. And even worse, the bloody Taliban Ustaz was again talking bout politics and stuff that we just couldn't take it. I fell asleep so many times that it was just the same if I didn't come for class at all. I didn't absorb a single thing.

The second I got back to my room, I stripped, changed to something much more comfortable and literally just crashed on the bed and slept the night through. And the best thing is, I dreamt an incredible dream which would take a miracle to actually happen. Then I woke up, took a shower and here I am. But my arms are so aching right now that I could not lift them. So, before I damage my already hurting arms any further, I'm gonna leave the CC. Thanks you guys for the fantastic day today.

"If I Am" by Nine Days

So you're standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall.
It's so far down,
Or maybe you were thinking about jumping.
Now you could have it all,
If you learned a little patience.
For though I cannot fly,
I'm not content to crawl.
So give me a little credit,
Have in me a little faith.
I want to be with you forever,
If tomorrow’s not too late...
But it's always too late when you've got nothing
So you say...
But you should never let the sun set on tommorow,
Before the sun rises today...

If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down...
If I am
Only here to watch as you suffer,
I will let you down...

So you're walking on the edge,
And you wait your turn to fall.
But you're so far gone,
That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you.
And you could find the fault,
In the heart that you've been handed.
For though you cannot fly,
You're not content to crawl.
But it's always too late when you've got nothing
So you say...
But you should never let the sun set on tommorow,
Before the sun rises today...

If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down...
If I am
Only here to watch as you suffer,
I will let you down...

So you're standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall...

If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down...
If I am
Only here to watch as you suffer,
I will let you down...

The answers we find,
Are never what we had in mind.
So we make it up as we go along...
You don't talk of dreams
And I won't mention tomorrow.
And we won't make those promises that we can't keep...
I will never leave you.
I will never let you down.
I will never leave you.
I will never let you down.

This song use to mean so much to me. It's basically about this person trying to convince his friend that there is no reason to give up on life; that life isn't so bad, and maybe if his friend were to overlook all the things that make him so hurt, maybe he could see the little things that make life a bit more bearable.

Back in school, I used to have this friend. She was a close friend of mine, and I love her very much. She's always there when I need her to be, when I needed to cry. She's such a unique person, and she had her whole life ahead of her. But one day she just called me and told me that there were a bottle of pills in her bathroom. She told me that she wanted to swallow them and hopefully sleep forever. I cried, I begged, I told her not to. She told me ok, she won’t-for now. She said she will not just yet, just for me. Just to comfort me for a while. She ran away one day, and this time, she really was serious about killing herself. The next few days after that I was crying non stop. In class, at home. I didn't know what to do. She said if I told anyone, I'd only make her take the pills sooner. I was scared. I had a nervous breakdown the second time in my life. One night while I was crying, I heard this song. And I just thought of her, and I cried some more. The next day, I gave her this song. I told her that I would always be there for her, whenever she needed me. We cried together for a very long time. We just cried and cried til we were silent and numb. And after that, she stopped talking about the whole thing. I don’t know what it was, whether it was the song, or what I said to her, the countless letters I gave her. But she stopped. And although we hardly keep in touch now, she's alive, and that's all that matters.

I told her that life was worth living no matter what hardships she has to face. Life will eventually pay off. She is worth something. Every person has a role in this world, and with the absence of that person at the wrong time would affect the very fabric of reality whether we realize it or not. Everyday, what we do change the world a bit. Life may be a bitch, but at least if she's around, we could go through life together and battle the bitch as long as we have to. And if she wanted to take her life and just expects me to sit down and let her suffer, she is only killing one more person than she intended to. I would die too.

Sometimes, we just have to take life one day at a time. Battle other days as it comes. And maybe, the future would be bearable. Maybe the future wouldn't be as bad as we thought since we managed to kill off the enemies little by little. Life will pay off someday. Just have faith. that's the only thing that's keeps me alive. We will triumph one day. Be patient. But then, it will only be triumphant if I have my comrades next to me. Have the people who I fought with standing next to me, basking in victory. It wouldn’t be the same if the friends I started off the fight with were to fall to ground, defeated.

Maybe we can’t always have what we want; but at least there are still people who care; at least you have me.

''The answers we find,
Are never what we had in mind.
So we make it up as we go along...
You don't talk of dreams
And I won't mention tommorow.
And we won't make those promises that we can't keep... ''

Hahahaha.......So, you know what the hidden agenda is? Yeah, it is to surprise Fidzy at Hot Bun this night!!!!! Hehehehe.....yup, and now I can publicize the entry I wrote earlier cos my hidden agenda has been executed complete with the desired effects and also a surprise for Sarah and me too! Julia apparently lied to us and did come....sheeesh!!!!!! So we werent the only ones who were surprised!
Mission: Surprise Fidzy Sayang at Hot Bun
Mission's status: ACCOMPLISHED
Mission's accomplices: Sarah (present), Zeph (present), Aaina (present), Anis (cancelled), Liyana (busy) and ME!!!!!!
Mission reports/Stakes: A bloody success!!!!!!

Hiya people, I'm at Sarah's house at the moment, blogging as you can see. Just to get here for my whole ''hidden agenda'' thing, I had to go through Hell. My dad can be so paranoid as you all know, and it's so hard to persuade him to let me go somewhere without him trying to dissuade me from going or questioning my intentions. I know that it's not cos he doesn’t trust me, it's just cos he thinks that the world is out to get me. I'm happy to know that he cares about me that much but when the way he puts it can be very hurtful. He can say all kinds of things to make me not go without realizing that what he says is so painful to hear. In the end, I'll feel so guilty going. But sometimes, I just need to go. Plans have been made and they can’t just be undone. I have other people to think of so... I need to go. Besides, I HARDLY go out. Why is it so hard to let me go out once every month? I know the answer to that: my parents love me and just can’t bear to lat me go and they can’t seem to accept the fact that I'm grown up now... But sometimes... I need to get out right? If not I'll go crazy. But whatever my dad said to me today, he made up for it. Surprisingly, he sent me a message after Sarah picked me up. Please note that my dad NEVER sends messages to me and I don't think he sends messages to anyone in fact. But whatever it is, he did today. In the SMS, he told me that he was worried about the whole election thing and there could be a riot and so he is worried for my safety. He's scared that things might happen should I be at the wrong place at the wrong time... And the best thing of all, he told me he loves me. My Dad, he doesn't really express affection in words that much. To my siblings yes, but maybe that's cos they're still young. saying it to me verbally probably feels weird to him cos I'm grown up and... I dunno. But he just doesn't. But in the message, he said so; and even though I know that he loves me, I've never had it in a way so unbelievable yet evident and real for me to read over and over again. Wow....I almost cried just reading it, and crying is something I don’t do often. Well, at least the feeling of guilt has lessened and I feel much better. At least he didn't let me go in anger. So, I'm at Sarah’s house... about to execute my secret and hidden agenda....Wanna know what it is? Well, you gotta wait til tonight.... 9pm dudettes!!!! Hehehehe...til then it is still secret. Hahahahahaha (evil laugh). Love, LinZy