Sup3rnality

Facebook.

You're like a window to the lives of many friends and acquaintances. 550 in my case, and counting. Reading about the exciting to the mundane. Looking at pictures from the silly to the downright insane.

Sometimes they fill me with happiness. Sometimes with disgust. Sometimes with longing.

And sometimes I wonder, am I just the watcher, looking out the window and scrutinising a world that I feel like I'm part of but actually apart from, or are they the ones watching me, looking at me through the window of my cage, scrutinising me?

I wish I knew how to tell you where I start and where I begin. Tell you how I sleep and the thoughts that rush back to me when I awake.

You used to know.

I wish I could let you hear the monsters in my head, the crying in my bed. I wish you would not add to the voices, add to the tears.

I wish we could be the way we used to be.

Simpler gets harder before long, and from then on it's an uphill battle. Will you be next to me, hand in hand, or are you the thorn in my side, weakening me slowly with each step I take?

Words pierce me harder than any sword can.

Time is a fickle friend. Sometimes I want more of him, sometimes I wish I would see less. But in the end, there is no running. The ticking hands count down the moments of your life passing you by.

I wish you would stop shoving it in my face.

I love you, but like Time, sometimes I wish I could choose to run away.

People may say I'm indifferent. Oblivious. Ungrateful. Irresponsible.

Why? Because I refuse to vote. Someone registered me without my permission and I hate it that they did that. It's not what I want for myself and I shouldn't be made to do it.

Maybe I am all of the above and more. But I've said it before, that is your opinion.

Like how you should not force your beliefs or religion on another, you should not force your opinion on others as well.

It's invasive. And it's offensive to force people into doing what you want think they should do.

I don't make you listen to the music I like without you wanting to. I don't force you to read the books I like, so why should you? My life is mine, yours is yours.

I'm sorry we are so different but isn't that what individuality means?

I'm tired of people forcing me to do this and that even when I tell them I don't want to. Why can't they just take that statement and leave me alone. They even force me to listen to their sermons. That alone is offensive enough.

As if I cannot make my own decision. Well, this is my decision. I do not want to vote.

I understand what you mean. I see your point. But I do not care for it. I used to be interested, but I am not anymore.

Because you know what? The turmoils in my life is inside me. The monsters are in my head. In my life. Not sitting in cushy govt offices with fat wallets. I need to fight the war within  my own self before I fight a war in anything else.

I have come to point where it is hard to care about anything else because it's tough enough to balance all there is in my own life.

So no, you cannot make a soldier out of me. Not when my own battles cannot be won.

I do have opinions, you know. What I don't like about things, what I would love to see changed. People up there who I like or don't like. But not enough to care to do anything about it.

But like any other opinion, it may change. Maybe next month, next year, or maybe never. I'm not saying I will always feel like this, I may change my mind.

But that would be then. When I'm ready.

For now, keep your opinions to yourselves and don't think yourself so terribly smart next time you try to sit me down and lecture me on things I have told you not to bother me about.

I'm saying this nicely now. I won't be the next time.

Only You know how it is, the way it is, how it will be.
Only You can give me the patience to see it through.
Only You can hear the voice in my heart of hearts.
Only You know the pain of the sting, the emptiness within.
Only You know my calmness is slowly wearing thin.

But I trust that You know what You know, and for now I won't know till You let me know.
And You always know what's best. And I know better than question the course of things.

Don't rock the boat
The seas are already choppy
Land still too far from sight
And I feel like sinking
I've already been drowning
But I'd rather do so in your eyes
Take me ashore,
Place the sand beneath my feet
You know you're the only one
who can save me from myself.

Random memory: I played Listening Ear to many relationship problems some years ago. One particular friend used to confide in me often when he* needed to rant and gush about all that bits and bobs that come with package called Love.

 And all of this was when I was single.

Is it because the free time I had when I was without commitment gave me the opportunity to be there and together with a friend, analyse words and actions of love and affection? Or did the 'borrowing' of emotions make the absence of somebody to in my life less apparent? Maybe both?

Or perhaps my six years of contemplating (I wanted to say dwelling but that was too depressing) and going over as to why my previous relationship failed gave me much insight into the mechanics of a relationship.

But you know, it's like something Fidzy and I once talked about, something along the lines of how textbook definitions and theory are just words that  make intangible things tangible. It helps people grasp at things that otherwise cannot be understood right off the bat. And for all the things I say and advise and no matter how matter how much thought I put into the crazy little thing called Love, none of them actually apply when I am in the driver's seat.


Now that I am happily attached, somehow all those words don't particularly apply. After all, we all know no one advise works in all situations. Basics may apply, but at the end of the day, we all need to apply different solutions.

And now that I am not single, I spend less time talking to friends about love lives. Why is that I wonder? For one, I do not like sharing my own love life with others. I feel it is personal and special and should be shared only between the two people ie Asdil and myself. And I also find my perception has been changed much as I get older, not to to forget the fact that time I have to spare are not as much as I used to have.

It's funny how times flies. How views change. How lives go separate ways. No matter how set it seem to be before.

*I miss him by the way, this friend. I'm sorry we grew apart and no longer close