Sup3rnality

I have a lot more strength of heart than I often give myself credit for.

Sometimes, i dismiss it to wave away a heartfelt observation from a friendly party commenting on my ability to take so much, and get back only but a little. But more often than not, the discredit comes from not wanting to rely so much on pride than the actual quality itself. Because the more one romances the elation of a compliment, the more the fire burns, consuming the reason for the compliment itself. In its place then lies a facade of what should really be.

And that's my weakness, see. I am driven by pride. I take it all, knowing I can do it, but not understanding the limits of these two hands. In constantly outdoing myself again and again, I often forget I am what I am because of who I am, not what they say I am. Does that make sense to you?

My days are often time spent lost in the recesses of my mind. Compartmentalising, storing, feeling, prioritising... It helps me stay sane in the way I know how. Letting the pain and any other bothersome emotions wash through me in the quiet moments to myself, then leaving the dealing part to deal with. It's effective, but sometimes the heart grows weary, and sometimes gets numb from the being on the sharp edge of the knife.

Ah, but this heart is weary. All my life seems to be converging in on me, trying to happen all at once. It's wonderful, it's overwhelming, it's scary... And while I can take it all, serve them up on a platter and swallow the bitter pills that they sometimes are, I sometimes feel that this body is growing weak from lack of maintainence.

My heart is strong, but my body is weak, in more ways than one. There is a lethargy in my limbs that have set in from neglect. An almost surrender to the contours of the bed as I stretch my mind to its very limits. I have to put an end to that sooner or later, and I only hope it would be sooner.

But then, where I lack in physical strength, Asdil bridges the gap. Sometimes, all I really need is for him to hold my kitestring to make sure I don't fly too high up and disappear behind the clouds. I need him to tether me down when I'm too far, I need him to ground me in reality.

The strength he offers me can simply be the space between his arms and his chest. Or sometimes the crook of his neck where I burrow my face in as he encircles an arm around me. Or even his errant gesture of rubbing the side of my crown in assurance. And even just his hand reaching over to take mine. It doesn't take much. It's like time stops when I'm with him. And the demons that plague my thoughts decide to quiet down as I am wrapped in the moment.

I think in that way we compliment one another.

I kid you not, life has its moments. When it's hard, it really is. But those breath-catching moments, even if they are only a precious few, makes it all worth it. I can be strong, and I am strong, but the fight is only worth it if you have a reason to fight for. And I fight for the love of life, for my family, for my Asdil, for my friends, and for simply me and the future I want to have.

So, Heart, it's you and me. Let's see where this life takes us.

Love,
Hazlin

Don't talk to me about e.x.p.e.c.t.a.t.i.o.n.s.

It's a dirty word, the way it rolls off the tongue every single time and dances in the dirt every time I toss it behind me. Again and again.

Don't tell me about your e.x.p.e.c.t.a.t.i.o.n.s.

I'm getting weary of being expected to answer questions I do not have the answer to. Weary of definitions when there is nothing to define. Weary, I'm just weary.

It's difficult enough being on the outside looking in. Always the spectator. Only on the sidelines. A wallflower.

Made to feel like I'm wilting.

Don't think I haven't shed tears. It overwhelms me too much, this wanting, this yearning.

You don't think.

I don't even know whether I'll make it through today, let alone tomorrow.

I'm scared of a million and one things. Of this fragile heart that is built on promises and hopes. Of fairytales that can be untold. Of kitestrings that can be cut free. Of crossing paths that might entangle. Of foundations that might break. Of everything that might fall apart.

And then these expectations, will be just that: expectations.

And never reality.

Hush Self, you are much too proud. Too battered and beaten over the years by strongly-worded letters, rejection and battle scars. These walls are high up way to far. These walls you built with your own two hands. And your many a time wounded heart.

Hush Self, suck it up, bite your tongue. Let the doors stay closed but easily opened. Let not indignation guard the door. I promise we won't hurt like before. Those days are long gone, take those defenses from the fore. Leave, just leave the your lashing tongue, steel heart and dagger eyes at the door.

Hush Self, calm yourself down. Life is long, and yet too short for a frown. It's a long way up, and the fall is too far down.

Hush now. Self, hush. Let it wash over you, feel the rush.

I haven't been writing. Well, that's just stating the obvious.

My head's been full, but my hands even fuller. And my heart feels empty.

Hence nothing fills this empty space.

So here are a few things from the top of my head:

• Raya was one of the most uneventful I've had in years. My dad had to leave for HR training in Sweden on the first day of eid. This means that (a) - we cannot go back to my mom's hometown in Kelantan, (b) - we are stuck in Seremban for the rest of Raya, and (c) - we won't be doing anything at all. So sure enough, we stayed at home, played games, watched tv, ate and sleep.
• Attended my ex-boss' wedding in Seremban and Melaka. Am so very very happy for him. If there was one person I really respected in WK in months gone by, it was him. He had faith in me and stuck by me all the way through despite all the crap stuff I got from my other superiors. It's nice to see him happy.
• I'm glad the fasting month is over. I can get back to my normal eating habits and lose all that I've gained. Yes, fasting month is not a month to lose weight as many might assume. It's the complete opposite.
• I was VERY VERY DISAPPOINTED that the one thing that I was craving for I did not get. I wanted BUBUR LAMBUK so bad. And I didn't even manage to find any. And I am still craving :(
• I'm considering joining a fitness programme cos since I started working, I've put on a lot of weight rapidly. 
• I would like to say that I prefer a subtle obsession for the Whedonverse. I do not like to gush about it nor do I like to discuss it out in the open for everyone to hear. I like to indulge in my infatuation quietly but surely.
• I am too proud. I need to tone it down. It has toned down some this past year, and yet, it needs to go down several notches lower.

That's all for the moment. I'm having too much of a brainfreeze to think of anything else.

Love,
Linzy

I feel miserable today.

My mood was spoiled so early in the morning.

 No sign of it improving.

I felt like sleeping all day and not waking up until I have to go to work tomorrow.

I just hated the sight of everything, flinched at every harsh word.

I just want this day to end.

Managed to see Asdil for a movie and buka puasa.

He gave me a reason to smile awhile.

He gave me reason to laugh.

The movie helped, too.

I like serious, make-you-think movies when I feel like crap.

Thinking movies stimulates my mind and takes my mind off things.

Comedies just make me more pissed off and annoyed.

Having Asdil with me was a bonus, makes me feel extremely better.

But inside, I was also aching at the thought of not seeing him for more than a week.

Being far away from him scares me sometimes.

And thinking of him on the road, and the many dangers terrifies me.

I'm back home now, away from him.

I'm back to being miserable again.

It's amazing. The fact that. Well. You run off the mouth. Like water. Couldn't touch you. Like surface. Wouldn't break. Like memories. Never fade.

Perhaps. You'd like to. Meet History. Say hello. It seems that. Well. You have forgotten. History hasn't.