Sup3rnality

I'm glad I pestered myself to pester the duty roster person to have my off days changed so I could make it for the Terengganu trip. Risky as it is (as I've heard many bad things about the person), I don't regret my last minute change of mind.

After thinking it over, I really have to say, I cannot possibly miss my best friend's wedding; and with Fidzy's mom persuading me as well, I'd feel guilty if I didn't go. Also, the idea to get away a while with Asdil being in the mix definitely sealed the deal for me.
So I got my off days, and I packed up for the Friday morning-Sunday morning trip on a chartered bus.

• Asdil picked me up early Friday morning from my apartment to go to Fidzy's place. I was assigned baju pengantin-minder duty which sat with me the whoole trip. The bus came at around 9.30am, and after we loaded everything on the bus, we went off.
• Traffic smooth-moving, since it was a weekday and is not a peak period when everyone is off somewhere. Watched cartoons all the way to Terengganu. Got to watch Meet the Robinsons, a favourite :)
• Stayed at a rented bungalow by the beach. So the first thing we did as soon as we got settled into the 7 rooms with 44 beds house was hit the beach obviously. Asdil took the kids into the water while I frolicked at the shore taking pictures and catching hermit crabs with Fidzy :p
• Walked to the closest restaurant which was not actually close. And yet, despite that, I took a walk along the beach and shops further up from the place we're staying with one of the aunties who were on the trip. We walked so far, and then had a late night snack at A&W. Ash came looking for us later and escorted us back. Note to self: bring walking shoes when with Auntie Gina.
• The rooms and beds were comfy. From past experience of staying in rented bungalows, conditions can get real bad, but this one was actually nice. Lucky Ash got a room all to himself (which was good cos I could sneak in to get some smoochies before I went to my room next door to sleep :p)
• We went in search for nasi dagang early the next morning. Again, we walked all the way down the road for a meal, especially since there was only one shop selling nasi dagang.
•  When we got back, I quickly got ready for the wedding at Shu's home in Pulau Rusa. I was Fidzy's somewhat of a pengapit, so nasib baik I decided on taking my green-blue baju kurung with me, so I somewhat matched the theme.
• There was no persandingan on this end, but just Fidzy sitting on a dais next to Shu's mother accepting money/gifts from visitors and giving out eggs. I just sat next to Fidzy to fan her and make sure her makeup from don't run. Kesian Fidzy looked so nervous. Relax babe :)
• We stayed there awhile, then headed back to the bungalow, since we had to check out by 2.30pm. After we packed, we headed to the pasar so the ladies can go check out batiks, clothes, foodstuff and other things. We were given 2 hours to shop.
• Ash and I took off by ourselves. We went around the entire pasar, which was quite big, bought some souvenirs and were done. And when we looked at the time, we had only spent 20 minutes :p So what were we to do for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes? We saw some bechas by the side of the road and decided to take a ride around town. It was fun, and it's been a while since I've been on one. It was nice a breezy, had a chatty becha-paddler, and it was a nice quaint place to see while on becha. A nice and slow ride was a good way to spend time to see the place up close with running commentary by the pakcik.
• What was not conveyed to everyone was that the bus we were on had problems with its suspension, which needs repairing. So it was highly possible we'd be stranded for a while. So after the shoping was done, and after we visited the Masjid Kristal, we headed back to all the restaurants by the beach part of town (Batu Burok) and stayed there til about 12am.
• Before it hit 7pm, Ash and I took the kids to the beach for a swim. Had some fun in the water before we headed to the shops for dinner. The kids have warmed up to me by then and stuck to me for the rest of the night, and the aunties were commenting that I was preparing for motherhood :p Hey, I just love kids, kay. They were adorable, I couldn't help fawning over them.
• Took the kids to the playground where we stayed til late, waiting for the bus to be repaired. The guys headed to the nearest restaurant with a big screen to watch the World Cup (Germany vs Argentina). Was there for many many hours until the bus driver finally announced the bus was alright and we could go.
• Drive back was freakingly cold. Tapi I lagi kesian one of the kids who didn't have a jacket and was only wearing a sleeveless dress, so I let her wear my jacket. I instead put on 3 layers of clothes. But was still cold...yeah, I hate air conditioning. Stopped by McDonald's at Taman Melati for brekkie at around 6am.
• Reached TTDI around 7-ish. Kids didn't want me to go home, and I didn't feel like going home too. Two of them sat on my lap so that I couldn't leave. The kids were just the darlingest and I still wanted to sit around and play and chat with them. But I had to work at 4pm (yes, on a Sunday), so I needed to get some much needed Zzzzzs before work.
• Was sad to go home and leave the kids. They're just so lovable. But I'm at work now, and still reeling from the afterglow of a good trip.

I'm watching Hachiko, and it's pulling on the heartstring that broke the day my cat Sawadikap died. I'm not ashamed for saying a cat broke part of my heart which will never heal. I'm more ashamed that I grew up and put aside his stalwart friendship, his bond with me. I just hope that he knows that I'm sorry for making him wait for me to return. I'm sorry that he waited for me for so long, and waited through his sickness before he finally let go. I'm sorry it took me so long. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Kap. I hope you forgive me. I love you, baby.

Aku keliru dan buntu
Tidak tahu siapa yang silap
Is it me or you?
Tell me because my heart
Feels like it's split in two.

I have to admit that I do not fully understand why so many women have issues when the World Cup season makes its appearance. I really don't. And the bitchy bitching sessions about respective partners being too engrossed in the game deepens the desire to not even want to understand said issues.

It can get rather grating when you are subjected to the whines and complaints of these selfish brats. Even my neutrality can be tested in this situation.

I have to admit, for the first time since I started my working life, I feel appreciated for my quality of work. I feel accomplished, like I'm part of something and I am contributing towards it. I feel like I am needed in order for this machine to function. I go to work with a sense of purpose, and responsibility lies heavy yet easy on my shoulders. I feel like for once, I am an employee.

Setar has been good to me my first month. Although I felt abit out place, I jived easily into the workflow. My colleagues and superiors are nice, and they help me and give me pointers every now and then. Although they are much much older than I am (most of them must be around my parents' age or older, even), they don't make me feel stupid and immature. The benefits here are great, as they give security to me as well as my family. And while the pay is not as great as before, it's a small price to pay for a sane mind.

Before, in Woter Kooler, I was trapped in their fishbowl. I felt as dumb as a 3-second memory goldfish who swam around the tank and was constantly scrutinized to the very detail. Oh, your eyes are too bugged out or Oi, your fins stick out at an odd angle or Hey there, your tail is out of shape. Like please, shut up. They're my eyes, my fins and my tail. And if they are not like yours, then leave me the hell alone. You cannot expect me to be the very same like all the other fish.

On top of that, I felt like a failure. I felt stupid, unwanted, good for nothing and a waste of space. Most days I spent the my time after work crying or staring into space feeling like a loser. I was weary of that. I was tired of sobbing uncontrollably in Asdil's arms being weak and insecure. I couldn't deal that way. I am not that kind of person. It was not fair to myself, unhealthy. I didn't recognize my own self in the mirror. I was a shadow of myself. It wasn't fair to the people I love having to bear the brunt of my insecurities and anger. I couldn't treat them that way. I just needed a way out.

And Setar was it.

Don't get me wrong, though. I miss my friends in Woter Kooler. Being in that team, made the torment bearable. With them, I could smile through my pain, even on days when I escape to cry in the restroom. They were good friends to me, and I felt accepted and well loved and happy. Unfortunately, it is not reason enough to stay.

At the end of the day, it's the work that matters. While earning the money that puts food in your belly, a shelter over your head and a bed to sleep in is the point of being employed and earning a good salary, you have to enjoy what you do. And you need to be appreciated for they work that you do so that you may stay on and keep on doing said work. You need it to stay sane, to be able to wake up each morning and want to continue living the way you do. We all need a reason to keep pushing on.

So for me, Setar is my saviour. Of course, it may be too early for all this to be said. It may be so that I ain't seen nothing yet, but I'm with the strength I've re-gathered after surviving my last experience, I am sure I can go though whatever they throw me. I think I am a much stronger person now than before. Just give me time.

I think I'll shine through.

Love,
Linzy

P/s: My one and only Asdil, thank you for putting up with me during those difficult times. Your patience and words  and comfort gave me strength when I had none. I love you.