Sup3rnality

I have to admit that I do not fully understand why so many women have issues when the World Cup season makes its appearance. I really don't. And the bitchy bitching sessions about respective partners being too engrossed in the game deepens the desire to not even want to understand said issues.

It can get rather grating when you are subjected to the whines and complaints of these selfish brats. Even my neutrality can be tested in this situation.

I have to admit, for the first time since I started my working life, I feel appreciated for my quality of work. I feel accomplished, like I'm part of something and I am contributing towards it. I feel like I am needed in order for this machine to function. I go to work with a sense of purpose, and responsibility lies heavy yet easy on my shoulders. I feel like for once, I am an employee.

Setar has been good to me my first month. Although I felt abit out place, I jived easily into the workflow. My colleagues and superiors are nice, and they help me and give me pointers every now and then. Although they are much much older than I am (most of them must be around my parents' age or older, even), they don't make me feel stupid and immature. The benefits here are great, as they give security to me as well as my family. And while the pay is not as great as before, it's a small price to pay for a sane mind.

Before, in Woter Kooler, I was trapped in their fishbowl. I felt as dumb as a 3-second memory goldfish who swam around the tank and was constantly scrutinized to the very detail. Oh, your eyes are too bugged out or Oi, your fins stick out at an odd angle or Hey there, your tail is out of shape. Like please, shut up. They're my eyes, my fins and my tail. And if they are not like yours, then leave me the hell alone. You cannot expect me to be the very same like all the other fish.

On top of that, I felt like a failure. I felt stupid, unwanted, good for nothing and a waste of space. Most days I spent the my time after work crying or staring into space feeling like a loser. I was weary of that. I was tired of sobbing uncontrollably in Asdil's arms being weak and insecure. I couldn't deal that way. I am not that kind of person. It was not fair to myself, unhealthy. I didn't recognize my own self in the mirror. I was a shadow of myself. It wasn't fair to the people I love having to bear the brunt of my insecurities and anger. I couldn't treat them that way. I just needed a way out.

And Setar was it.

Don't get me wrong, though. I miss my friends in Woter Kooler. Being in that team, made the torment bearable. With them, I could smile through my pain, even on days when I escape to cry in the restroom. They were good friends to me, and I felt accepted and well loved and happy. Unfortunately, it is not reason enough to stay.

At the end of the day, it's the work that matters. While earning the money that puts food in your belly, a shelter over your head and a bed to sleep in is the point of being employed and earning a good salary, you have to enjoy what you do. And you need to be appreciated for they work that you do so that you may stay on and keep on doing said work. You need it to stay sane, to be able to wake up each morning and want to continue living the way you do. We all need a reason to keep pushing on.

So for me, Setar is my saviour. Of course, it may be too early for all this to be said. It may be so that I ain't seen nothing yet, but I'm with the strength I've re-gathered after surviving my last experience, I am sure I can go though whatever they throw me. I think I am a much stronger person now than before. Just give me time.

I think I'll shine through.

Love,
Linzy

P/s: My one and only Asdil, thank you for putting up with me during those difficult times. Your patience and words  and comfort gave me strength when I had none. I love you.

I haven't been in the right frame of mind to talk about the things that have been happening for the past few weeks. Everytime I begin to attempt typing out my thoughts, I am stunted by my inability to write and/or put them into words. So here's what I've been doing these past few weeks

• I left WKESP officially on the 29th of April 2010. More specifically, I left Aust-B. I had a very very long cry, not being able to believe I won't be walking into that office again and see them each day. They gave me hugs, which made me cry harder and they all had a procession for me, walking me to the door, for one last time. Leaving them feels like letting go of family. But the best thing about family is that, they're always there for you. I'm halting any entries about leabving WK at the moment until I can sort out my thoughts and feelings.
• I moved out of Cyberjaya on the 30th of April. Ash did most of the job. I packed everything up and he loaded it into the van we borrowed from my uncle. Then we drove to PJ and he unloaded the van for me. I couldn't have done it without him (thanks Sayang). And of course, thanks to my family, too. Who helped me carry the second round of stuff. Yes, I have that much stuff...mostly books and clothes.  
• Starting on May 3rd, I am now an employee of the Star. To be specific, a sub-editor for the Star. The Star newspaper that I've been reading daily. Feels almost like a dream. It's different here, but I like it. Work-wise, I do feel very much more accomplished than how I felt in WK.
• I'm now living in PJ. Around the Tropicana area to be more precise. No, not next to Tropicana City Mall like people keep asking. It's near the Tropicana Golf Resort. The condo is called Bayu Puteri Tropicana. It's quite a nice place. House is a bit of a fixer-upper due to an irresponsible landlord, but I'll manage.
• Did I mention my working hours are from 4pm to 12am daily? Uhh, yeah, I start work at 4pm and leave for home around 12am. Wonderful hours for me, cos that's when I work best. And it's not like I have a nightlife anyway, so it's no problem for me. I get to see Ash in the daytime and spend more waking hours with him especially since now I live about 15 minutes away from him and not 50 minutes like when I was in Cyberjaya.
• I'm still getting used to my new area, new job, new schedule, new house...alot of things are still on my mind. But all in all, I'm feeling content right now; like things are falling into place, just need a few things sorted before they can fit even better.