Sup3rnality

'Worried'? 'Worried'??!!

You actually want to worry about me?

I apologize in advance, but I took a deep offence at the statement you made. It annoyed me. It disgusted me. The fact that you had to remind me and ask me if I had finished my work cos you were afraid I would not complete it. Cos you think that I'd not do my part? You think I'm that kinda stupid? You want to worry about me???

I'd say bullcrap to that.

I never never ever ever put others in jeopardy for my mistakes. NEVER. And I never take risks if I'm not sure I can come out shining. NEVER. I'm not stupid, and I'm not unethical either. Take a look at my previous assignments; have I ever submitted mediocre work?

Anyone who knows me knows I'd rather take all the blame than ever putting people I am working with at risk because of my wrongdoings. I do something with my all and never do work halfway when I know I can do it so much better. I understand my role better than you think you do, and I know better than you. I don't need people second-guessing my work. Even if I'm an idiot, I'm not just your run-of-the-mill idiot. I'm not just anyone.

This is of course, my arrogant-superiority complex part of me speaking. But really, you want to worry about me???

You want me to be just as patronizing? Fine. You want me to talk about the work you worked on? Well, if I were the lecturer, I'd give it right back to you. It was either that you actually elaborated it, or don't submit anything at all. Your work was what I'd expect from an inexperienced freshman. I wouldn't have given it so much of a nod.
Your statement only proves how much you don't know me.

You don't.

Don't even think you do.

And this is not the first time you made this kinda comment to me.

Obviously I'll never say this to your face, because my policy is that I never start a fight I know I can avoid. I can forget it in an instant, but the knowledge that you deem to think that you can pass that kind of judgment on me is something that files itself away in my memory. I am offended. And I'll never say it to you because I don't have the heart to do that. And you're a friend. But the fact that I am irked beyond reason still stands.

If you come across this entry or find out about it from some mutual friend, I really do apologize for my rudeness. I really am. I just am sooo pissed off. I don't have anything against you, just the comment you made against me. This is just how I feel. The way I figure it, people are going to be rude to me anyway no matter how nice I am. And since I can never find it in me to be rude to your face, I'll just let off steam here and be rude to you here. But don't take it wrongly... This entry is more for me, not meant for you. It's here to vent my repressed anger.

So here it shall stand to record my dissatisfaction. And here it will stay.

You want to worry about me? Worry about yourself first.

~LinZy.

Sometimes I wonder...

Maybe another reason why people tend to look down at the degree that I am pursuing is that they are afraid. Unlike other courses like engineering, law, accounting etc., we look at the real world straight in the face. Reading literature allows you to see the human condition in plain words, in plain emotions and it's real. We discuss things that people won't usually talk about, or avoid. We look into history, into politics, into society and culture and into psychology; dissect them and understand what lies beneath the layer of words. Learn from it to undestand the world. But they tell us we are the rejects, the ones who aren't good enough to take more "elite" degrees. They say what's the use of studying words of (mostly dead) people, and what can we possibly get from it... The truth is, they're afraid of us. We'll be the ones who knows knows what this world is really about while they go about their normal lives in oblivion. Of course, not saying that they don't discuss all life's issues, but the difference is that we make it our business to know. We'll be the ones changing the world. The rest might be building it, but we're the ones who will inspire them to. They're afraid of us because they'll be reading our books one day and quoting us while they stand in line to get their books signed.

Love, LinZy the proud BENL (soon-to-be) graduate

This should have been written sooner, but my time has been taken up by constant worrying about assignments and presentations that I couldn't spare a few minutes of blogging. Anyhow, I'm here now.

I'm back from my balik kampung. Well, that's obvious seeing how I'm online, cos I don't have any internet access back in my grandmother's house. We came back earlier than expected which kinda miffed me a bit since I didn't get to spend much time with my cousins. But I hope to see them for Eid-ul-adha, so I guess that's not so bad. Otherwise I'd only get to see them about once a year.

Surprisingly, traffic wasn't so bad this year. It was smooth sailing going and coming back from Kelantan, and we hardly ran into heavy traffic. So it was good.

Anyway, it's both good and bad to be home. Good because I can get back to my normal life and see my sayang and my friends. And the bad side would be that I have to leave my relatives as well as I am back to having to go to classes and doing assignments and presentations :p

But all in all, everything's good. And I'll wait for another day to properly blog about Raya. Bye.

Love, Linzy~

Or Happy Eid, if you wanna call it that.

Ramadhan is coming to a close and Raya/Eid is just around the corner. Just another day away, in fact. And as usual, my family and I will be making our pilgrimage back to my mother's hometown in Kota Bharu, Kelantan for the holidays.

I'm looking forward to Raya, I really am. Despite all these whines I hear about how it's become commercialized, how it has lost its sense of unity among people, so pretentious and fake bladiblahdiblahblahblah; I look forward to it. It's tiring and time consuming, but I love it.

I don't get to see my relatives in KB very often because my dad has to work, and my siblings' got school and my holidays never mesh. So this one time in a year, I get to go back and see them in all this uplifting Raya mood; a feeling that seems to dull all problems into the background. It is a few days of celebration and happiness. What more can you ask for?

I get to visit my grandma and see how she's doing. I can talk to my aunts and uncles about what I'm doing and what I wanna do and they get to interrogate me about my future plans ie. work and marriage. I get to catch up with my cousins and impart a little knowledge, since I am supposedly the one to look up to. I get to visit a place which is very much a part of myself. And I get more reminders why it's good to be alive.

I guess sometimes we forget about the good things in life; all the little things you've got that makes it worth it. You focus on one thing and you often forget about the others. I am guilty of that sometimes, and I wish to make amends with people and myself and appreciate them more.

So early tomorrow morning, probably after sahur and Subuh prayers, my family and I would make the long trip to Kelantan. On any other day traffic would be perfectly fine and we could get there under 8 hours or so. But as it is every holiday season, getting there would be more than just an Olympian feat. I redefines patience and has the capability of wiping out all the points you accumulated during Ramadhan, due to excessive cursing :p.

But it's worth it once you get there.

So, Selamat Hari Raya to all. Whether or not you celebrate it doesn't really matter. Every day can be celebrated and praised, it's just that this Raya, with the food and family and friends, it's all the more special. And maaf zahir and batin, forgive me for any of my misgivings.

Have a safe trip to those who are travelling. And do pray for my safe journey as well. I'll come back with lotsa pictures, I promise. Take care and jangan main merchun...

Love you all. See you after Raya, insyaAllah.

Love, Lin~

P/s: I miss you, sayang.

They say that during Ramadhan, our dearly departed walk among us.

No one comes to the fore of my mind more than my grandfather. My maternal grandfather. Atuk. Tok Ayah.

Left alone, in the silence when my thoughts wander far and wide, I often think of him. Wondering what would he think of me if he sees me now... Is he proud of me? Disappointed? I'll never know.

I never got to know him well, he died when I was about 5or 6. But I remember the way he slept. The way he talked. I remember his room. I remember his voice sometimes, although for the most part, he was a very quiet man. I remember the plane ride when my mother and I rushed back to Kelantan. I remember my mother crying. I remember how he looked like when he was laying motionless, wrapped in kain kapan. I remember as they carried him out of the house to his resting place.

I was his first grandchild. He awaited my birth with so much anxiety, so I was told. And he loved me so.

My fondest memory of him was when I was about to turn 5. I celebrated my 5th birthday in Kota Bharu, and all I could think of was presents (toys, presumably) and cake, and games and much fun. I couldn't understand the significance of when he took me to his room and presented all his meagre possessions with a sweep of his arm. He asked me what I wanted from his room, that I could have anything I wanted. I remember an alarm clock on his bed, tasbih beads, a yasin and some knick-knacks. I probably thought, why in the world would I want any of these things? What would I do with them? Who is he trying to kid? And I never gave him an answer.

He passed away within the year... And I understand now that he wanted to share a piece of his life with me, something to carry me through when he's not around. A part of him that'll be with me even if he's not. I sometimes think he's still waiting for my answer.

I think of him sometimes. A memory flickering in my mind. And during these days of Ramadhan, I sometimes wonder if he is watching me. What does he think of me?

I never got to know you well, Atuk (I'm the only one who calls him that. Every other grandchild of his calls him Tok Ayah). Never had the chance to really understand you, talk to you, walk with you... I wish I had the time. It's been many years since the last time I saw you... But I think of you often. And I miss you.

I ask you, what do you think of me? Your answer is all silence, for I need not know the answer, I know myself to know the person I am. Perhaps it is my answser you are waiting for...

The end of Ramadhan draws near. So does the time for you to return. I pray you'll only be welcomed again into the soothing arms of rest, not torment. InsyaAllah I'll visit you and offer you what is worth of my doa.

I love you.

Love, Hazlin~

Fidzy's entry with an excerpt from Hanson's 'Wish that I was There' took me back to 9 years before.

But first of all, my God, it's been that long ago...? Wow.

Nine years before. I was 13 going on 14. In Form Two; 2 Yakin, to be exact. President of the Photography Club. Just began working for my school's Koperasi. I was my class' Treasurer. Slightly awkward, but finally settling into my skin. Had shoulder length hair. I've yet to start plucking my eyebrows, but loved make-up. Had an obsession with 5ive. Wrote poetry very often. The worst problem I had at the time was a jerk of a guy whom I had a crush on who treated me like crap (I wonder now why in the world I was attracted to him?). And for some reason was called for counselling ocassionally. That was me at 13++.

I remember Kemahiran Hidup (Home Economics) class. It was taught by Puan Mariah, methinks, and she was just scary. I hated going to the bengkel (workshop) for her class where she will just nag nonstop. But then there was one time when our class (just us girls) were sitting in front of the classroom door but the teacher didn't show up. It was still early in the school year and I haven't really gotten to know alot of people. So I struck up a conversation with the girl sitting on the floor opposite of me. I just knew her as the artsy person in class who listened to Elvis and the Beatles, but never really talked to her. Her name was Fairuz.

Or Ayus, as I would later call her.

I don't remember what was the content of our conversation that day, but the next thing I know was that we were both raving about Hanson. Honestly, I never met a person who likes Hanson so it was rather a surprise (my interest in them have waned, but I still genuinely think they're good). We started singing all the songs (most people would only know Mmmbop or the other singles) and were really having fun, finding some kinda kindred spirit in each other. And that's what sealed it.

That conversation led to phone calls to exchanging of posters and borrowing of magazines to singing sessions to sleepovers to camping to hanging out to YEAH to the talent competition to the Radio DJ competition to talking about boyfriends and then SPM, and then graduating from school to slacking off playing You Don't Know Jack on the PS all day to talking about campus life to hours long conversations late into the night about anything and everything to graduation and work to being in a magazine and on TV together to dissecting life and the way it works and bitching about the idea of marriage people keep throwing at us to talking about cats to mourning and indulging on pizza and chocolate and ice cream to talking about the good old days...And there are the smiles and the jokes and the crying and the fights and the miscommunication and the arguments and misunderstanding and the making up and all. We've been through so much.

But I remember most from our history is our singing sessions. We would gather at my place and we'd sing and try to harmonize with one another. It was always either Hanson or Robbie Williams and ocassionally Edwin McCain or Michelle Branch. Our staple songs were Hanson's Weird, Song to Sing, Wish that I was There, If Only, With You in Your Dreams, Save Me and many more... Ayus loves Wish that I was There cos Zac sang it, and we sang that song alot. I loved harmonizing this part, and I still sing it every now and then:

And you make me feel,
Won't you take me when you're not here.
It's been raining here,
and I just want you to be near.

I think I recorded most of them on some tapes, I'll have to look for them and give them a listen and then laugh. I don't know whether I still remember the lyrics to most of the songs... I think if I were to sing it they'd come naturally. I miss those times. Such innocent and much simpler times.

And then there was that time we decided to put all our singing to the test. We, just for the heck of it, joined the Talent Competition our school had, and we entered the group singing category.
We sang 'Song to Sing'. My part was always:

And all that I've found in reason
Is reason just to not believe
And all that you are left (with) is treason
It's treason just to let it be.

I guess we weren't so bad, cos we got third place. We harmonized a capella and was pretty shaky for a while, but I think it was something anyway. Just a little something to tell my kids in the future :) Oh, and we continued to sing another two times...Save Me and With You In Your Dreams.

I missed that time when Hanson came to Malaysia, but Ayus went. I wasn't really sorry that I missed the show, just sorry that I missed sharing something that united us, and something she was so looking forward to and for me to go with her.

Hanson and Ayus; they'll always be inseparable. They'll always be synonymous. And the reason that I know her. They're a big part of my history. And that's a song that I sing.

Love, Ayin~

I've been saying for a few months now about how much I need a haircut.

Some weeks ago I resorted to snipping about an inch of my locks by my own self. I covered my floor with some old newspaper, switched on the main light as well as the table lamp for extra lighting, stood in front of the mirror with semi-wet hair with scissors in hand and proceeded to give meself a haircut. It didn't turn out so bad, if I say so myself, but it still left much to be desired: even layers, for one.

But then, like I said, that was some weeks back. And my hair, once trimmed down, grows out quite rapidly. In a short span of time, my hair got long again and kept getting tangled with the strap of my handbag. So, I was back to square one again, in dire need of a haircut.

I was at the Giant near my place and there was this hair salon that was having a promotion for haircuts for only 10 bucks. And I thought, what they hey, why not? Besides, my sister needed a haircut, too, and the hairdressers there were all Chinese (I have a problem with Malay hairdressers, I don't trust them giving haircuts). So in I went, and got meself a haircut.

My hair is nothing fancy. I just had about 3 inches cut off, leaving my hair at shoulder length. I didn't bother with layers since my crown has been suffering from massive hair fall; layers would only accentuate my not so thick hair. So basically, it's just a very simple, shoulder length, straight cut. I think its good for now... I haven't gotten a decent haircut since I left Kulim; mainly cos I haven't found a hairdresser I trusted, but I might just be a regular patron at this place I found and cut my hair regularly... Ah well, it's good for now.

Love, Linzy~