Sup3rnality

I am at times assaulted with awe at the audacity in these sudden bouts of concupiscence. How in the haze, judgment and concern just keeps on leaving. And all there is left is the blinding light that pulls me to a corner to find refuge in the shade. And I follow. I wonder sometimes if I am losing my mind?

I'm out of my mind.

Nothing new to you by now. I'm too far gone. In too deep. My mind has been left vacant many a time, so much so that I am comfortable with its absence, welcomes it even. And it's not always you, but it is also me, striking a chord to a point, til nothing's left.

I'm out of mind.

Cos I can't even spin riddles anymore. My mind can't think that far anymore...other than to that space of time.

Love you.

Love, Linzy~

Thursday, 11th September 2008

You know what made me turn to look in your direction? It was the sudden whiff of the scent that you usually put on that made me puzzledly look around. It couldn't be anybody but you.

So I saw you there, sitting at the other side of the pillar of the busstop I was waiting at. Nonchalantly you were looking at a distance, pretending you were there merely by coincidence and no way in design. You bloody cheeky devil.

You led me on to believe that I would be going alone. When I called you in the morning and told you about my plans for the day, you said you weren't very sure if you would be going with me. I told you it's alright since I was only gonna be picking up my comic at KLCC and then I'd be off if I had nothing else to engage myself in. And so I went about my day. Had classes in the morning and retired back to my room for a few hours for some blessed shuteye. I left the room for the library for a short discussion with my Entrepreneurship groupmates, while at the same time being already prepared to leave for KLCC right after...

You called me around 4pm just as my meeting was about to end and asked what I was doing, whether I was gonna go through with my plans. I told you 'yes' as you responded with lethargy, the voice of someone having just woken up. You said to take care and I said I'd call you before I leave.

And so I did.

I was about to leave the library when I called you. You said it's best that I waited at the bustop where you would usually be cos that was the closest one to the library. I was walking while I was talking to you, but then I realized that I left my notebook behind and ran back for a bit. Then again I made my way to the bustop. I shoulda known.

I almost didn't wanna go. It was almost 5pm and I had a slight tummy ache, but I was already ready, so I might as well. I can't believe I didn't see you when I was sitting down on the bench. I was looking around fervently feeling very alone and rather nervous. I couldn't imagine that I didn't catch a glimpse of you coming towards the bustop or sitting down there in the first place.

Then there was there was your cologne, and my turning around, and my seeing you. Bloody hell.

There were mixed feelings of wanting to smack you and wanting to throw my arms around you.

Suprised me you did.

Part of me was blown away by the fact that you were actually there. Part of me was saying that I should have known...especially when I called you after I left the library, it was noisy in the background where you were, impossible it was to be your room. I asked you where you were and you shrugged off the question... I should have known.

It was a nice time spent with you. Just going to KLCC and then walking to Ampang Park to break fast at Cozy House... It was just really a cosy evening.

Thanks, sayang, for the surprise you gave me. It really made my day. I love you soo damn much.

Love, Linzy~

"Oh, by the way, he's still single."

Stop. Backtrack. My internal monologue that usually moves full-throttle, full speed ahead suddenly faulted and crashed with a pregnant "Huh?!".

My next reaction was: "Surprisingly" tossed back at the friend several seconds too late, said with a laugh when what I really wanted to say was: "What the bloody heck is that supposed to mean?".

I mean, really. What was that supposed to mean? You're walking along the hallways, and you suddenly bump into a mutual friend you share with a person whom you used to date. That's all fine and dandy especially seeing how your former flame is still a good friend of yours and the person in common is a nice person whom you've occassionally engaged in a conversation with. But, discount all that, what was that last statement, added almost as an afterthought as the friend walked away in the opposite direction, meant to convey?

Sure, my former is back. But unlike the usual tradition, he doesn't throw in his customary "Hey, I'm back. Lets catch up over cakes at Secret Recipe" once he touches ground here in Malaysia. My feeling is perhaps he is respecting the fact that I'm not single anymore. And I'm grateful for that because I've reconciled with the fact that we're through and that friendship is all there is between us. I am deeply in love with Ash, and am in no way considering any alternatives.

But what is this that people keep insinuating?

Sure, we still hung out after we broke up, mostly paying homage to the fact that we've been lifelong friends, and we've been there for each other throught alot, whether or not we were dating at the time. Sure, in that time there was that glimmer of hope that maybe we'd pick up where we left off, but I banished all thoughts when I found myself falling for the person I wear my Claddagh the way I wear it for. But others, well, they're either not up-to-date of the changing times or just refuse to acknowledge that.

Newsflash!
I am taken. No doubt about it, no questions asked. If you have any problems, please dial 1-800-GETOVRIT.

By the way, you're still one of my best friends, Idzaid; and I've nothing against you. But, I'm just a little tired of this people-wanting-us-to-get-back-together thing. It's a little too late for that now...and other people should realize that, too.

Love, Linzy~

Lately, I've found myself caught in quiet contemplation with a pen in my hand (held in what people say is a weird angle) and a notebook in front of me. I'd be lost in thoughts, attempting to pluck something out of the din of my mind to commit it to writing. And you'd ask me what I was thinking, but I wouldn't know what to say.

Suddenly I'd be seized by some invisible bout of inspiration and would start doodling and writing in my notebook. Sometimes a smile would play at the edge of my lips while I scribble, unconciously grinning to no one in particular but to the thoughts in my head. Something that only I can watch playing in my mind, and not the weirded out observer. You'd wonder what's playing in my thoughts.

Across the table you'd ask what I was writing. I'd be half lost in thought, half still grinning at the thought, and mostly not knowing how to explain it. Although it's not difficult to, there'd be no reason behind it; and my writing what I write would seem to a person as possibly a) a waste of time, or b) a depressed person, among many more. But the reason is just this, it's a nice way to reflect on what brings joy to my life. It gives me a reason to count my blessings, be thankful, appreciate my life and think back on what I've been graced with. And everytime I write something down, it is a testament to myself why life is worth living.

I've lately been listing people, things, places etc. that I love and make me happy. Alongside most of my little entries are little doodles to illustrate my points. I've been having fun writing them down, a smile alighting my face whenever I think of something more to add to my ever growing list...and the list is getting longer.

It's fantastic, knowing that I have so much to live for. Thick and thin, there are still so many little things that can bring me to smiles. They're my life's little pleasures, and I am ever grateful... I am truly blessed. Oh, and in case you don't know, the best things in life are free :)

Here's some random things out of my notebook:

• the smell of rain
• walking along the beach
• warm blankets
• lie-ins
• research (I am a nerd, I know)
• relaxing showers
• honey+milk
• window shopping
• riding in the car with the window down
• watching the sunrise/sunset

Well, that's just a glimpse into what I've been jotting down. I've lots more, and now I'm starting to categorize them. You should see the list under the heading of 'Food'...hehe. But of course, my list would never be complete without the most prioritized entries which are Ash, family, friends, faith and not to forget the maestro, Whedon.

So, I'm loving life. And what's life without love?

Love, Linzy~

It's been five months, now. It's hard to believe that something I am feeling so strongly about is a result from a unexpected incident early one daybreak. Just a sudden impulse on both our parts have brought us to this point in life. You'd think it would come from something more concrete than that. But it didn't. And yet it's strong anyhow. It's unbelievably wonderful.

It's been five months. And we've reached a point where we don't particularly look at months no more. Not that it's not important; but it seems trivial when we are looking forward to years.

Counting months, after a while, to me seems as though I am counting down. Or perhaps, like I am impatient for something. Not sure what it is I feel, but I just don't want to be so particular about the months anymore. I just want to think in terms of years, or decades or forever.

It's been five months. And a lot of things have happened since. My life has changed drastically. And I love you more each day. How can I ever ask for more?

Love, Linzy~

I was coming out of the bathroom one morning after a shower to go to class, and something caught my eye. There was this glint that caught my eye and made me make a double take to see what exactly in a bathroom could cause such a shiny glint like a diamond catching the sun. And so I took a few steps back, and saw that it was from this funky, bright orange looking thing plastered on the wall ( I said plastered because it looked like it was practically sticking onto the wall).

It looked like a wet piece of tangled up orange string stuck on the wall... Like the string or whatever you call it from a terry cloth towel all bunched up and stuck. But as it turns out, it was a very bright orange spider with freaky, wavy legs. And before you say, "Maybe it was just a piece of Orange String"; I say, "I'm sure as hell orange string don't creep and crawl across walls".

The glint that I saw earlier was from its eyes, and that was pretty cool. I mena, the eyes were just so shiny. There was no natural light to reflect on it, only a very dim fluorescent bulb up high illumination the bathroom... Not enough, in my opinion, to cause the eyes of that spider to glint the way it did. It was a pretty awesome sight.

I wanted to touch it but since I've never seen such a spider before, thought better of it. Was gonna take a picture, but at the rate it was scuttling, I won't get back from my room in time to take a picture... Maybe I'll look it up and see what species it is. If I can find it, that is. Since, well, there are thousands of bugs that have yet to be recognized and recorded.

Anyway, I hope I see it again... I so have to take a picture!

Love, Linzy~

Some nights ago, Tuesday night if I am not mistaken (yes, it was cos now I remember that it was after my Feature Writing class and we were supposed to discuss MSL, but couldn't), Ash and I took a walk to Convest (the convocation festival held at the large parking lot near the Law Faculty). I haven't been there since it opened, eventhough it was right next to my college, as compared to it being so far from the guys' college.

Anyway, it was nice, walking together on that cool night just talking. Nights are usually very boring for me cos I would be cooped up in the room not doing anything and able to communicate with anyone. Usually, I'd be playing games, or watching a movie, doing laundry or something or other. So it was a nice change of scenery to be spending time with my love.

I was there with not so much the intention to eat. So I just looked at the many different foods that were there, each deliciously tempting with it looking so yummylicious and giving out yummylicious aroma as well. I swear I could have gained pounds just taking in the sights and sounds.

We stopped at one of the stalls, and I saw the reason as to why Ash was so intent on going to the Convest thingy in the first place: the gerai bihun sup utara (I hope I got that right). My sayang was intent on getting some genuine Northern glass noodle soup with a generous amount of beef and topped with sambal (chilli paste or something like that). So we sat down and enjoyed a hot bowl of soup and noodles on that cold, windy night.

Satisfied and full from a big bowlful, we took a walk somemore around the Convest hill. Despite the coolness of the night, I was just intrigued by the ice cream stall. The kid in me was jumping at the thought of ice-cream and so I got meself one yummy chocolate ice cream in a cone. It was a nice balance to a hot meal, and yet so cold to eat on a cool night. But with the company and the atmosphere and the food, I couldn't ask for anymore.

Ash and I sat down under a tent where there were some seats and a fan while I finished my cone. We talked a bit about some randomness, just having a laugh before we had to get back to our respective colleges. It was just nice, spending time like this...

What hit me the most was that this would be my last Convest as an IIUM student. The next Convest I go to, it would be as a graduant myself, cos it will be held at the time of my convocation (insyaallah). Felt a little sad and the bout of nostalgia started to make itself known... The end of my life as a student is coming to a close. Regardless of my decision for my future (in further studies), this will mark the end of my academic requirement. Whatever else I should pursue, would be my choice entirely, not because I need to.

Whatever it is, this last time was perfect. I had good food, I had fun just looking and browsing, and most of all, I had great company, just being with someone I love. Perfect.

Thanks, sayang, for taking me there.

Here's to Convest, and the next one to come.

Love, Linzy~