Sup3rnality

Yumi said exactly what was in my mind. She said: As soon as she reached HS Square and saw everybody, she felt like the 3 months spent in Ukraine felt like it hardly happened, like she never left. Of course, in my case, it was not exactly like that, for so many wonderful things happened in between from then til the now =) but I thought the same way in the sense that the crazy Sem 2 that we had felt like it resumed as normal eventhough nearly 4 months have passed since then. As though mere days passed since the last day of that semester. Ah, it's so good to be back on campus.

Nerd that I am, I am looking forward to classes and the assignments along with the research needed for the assignments...It's all so very exciting. After all, this being my last semester (insyaallah), I want to take the time to savour everything before all this becomes a memory to me. Sigh, you won't know what you've got til it's gone. I want to sit in the library and soak up everything I possibly can and make copies of the news articles and journals that they have. I want to visit every building and faculty just for the heck of it so that I know the campus through and through before I have to leave all this behind. Yes, I know I'm crazy. But then that's nothing new.

The only downside to all of this is the fact that I have to repeat my Arabic 2 paper (the first time I am ever repeating), and it's no fun having to take it again. But oh well, it's my fault after all for not fully studying during the short semester and not going that extra mile to obtain some extra marks...I mean, it crosses my mind in other classes, I don't know why it didn't in that one. But nevermind, I'm sure everything has a reason behind it.

I am craving a gettogethergether with the Twisties. Have a fun day out to spend time together like we did in Sem 2, so that we can just catch up on what's new. I really really miss having this family-like feel with all of them, and this is my last semester, I want to have lots and lots of memorable memories crammed into it spent with my dearest Twisties. I've been thinking of having a picnic at that stream Yumi, Ash + I passed by on the way back from Tanjung Malim, cos we didn't get to go there as planned before...So I was thinking it'll be great to finally go, and with more people at that. Just that, so early in the semester, everyone needs some settling in, so it'll have to wait til a little while.

Anyway, I'm so glad to be back in the swing of things. There are some factors that stop me mid-swing, disrupting my momentum, but then again there always is; and I'll get through it somehow as always. I'm just happy to be back. I have my classes and my room and the library and all the things that makes being a college student fun. And importantly I have my dearest sayang, Ash, and my Twisties. Blissfulness!

Love you guys lots lah, no matter what;Linzy~

I am the type of person who cares alot about what people think of me. I don't let it control me wholly, no, but sometimes enough for people to misinterpret me and come to all sorts of comclusions; which are sometimes in both extremes. No, I don't let people dictate the way I dress or speak or act, but I am concious enough of what people would think of me to dress/act/speak in a moderate manner. But like I said, despite moderation, there are always one theory or another that read me wrong.

It is important to me, the way people see me. I cannot really explain why without going on a long litany of stories and explanations; but what I can say is that it stems from things deeper in my experience and nature. So it is enough for you to know it is important to me because I constantly feel like I need to prove myself, and that I do not want to fall into the cliched stigma of other people my age, and also because of I feel like I need to live up to something. Well, something like that lah... I think no matter how much I try I'd never be able to explain my motivations for the things I do.

It works sometimes, the way I carry myself. I think I've had more than my fair share of compliments regarding my character. And I am happy the way it turns out, how many people would sometimes tell me how they like that I am like this or that and so and so. It's a good feeling, thinking you're doing something right.

The downside however, is many as compared to the up. The first being, sometimes I try too hard to make sure I come off impressively, so much so that people do not see the real person in me. Of course, that would take time either ways, but still, they tend to judge me by what they see, and don't bother to go any further than that. But then, I suppose, that is more or less my fault for putting up that wall... The second is that, in my trying too hard to impress, I build up defences in fear of being letdown in the end. This makes me seem as though I'm a bit of a snob of aloof or sombong. I'm not. I'm not snooty or anything like that but I know I seem so, especially the first time you meet me. I would not be surprised, cos many of my good friends got the wrong idea when they first met me. The most memorable comment would be from Alfred who said "I thought you were a Bitch when I first met you".

On top of that, eventhough I think I dress pretty moderately, some of the elder folk would have that stigma saying I'm a budak bandar (city girl) who lives the city life just judging from the way I would dress myself. In some respects I am, but not the way they are implicating...which is, in their minds, a wild child. I don't see myself as one; and while I am not putting down those who love the nightlife etc., whatever you want to do is your right of way; I just have to say I do not fancy the lifestyle. I'm just not one for it. So when people imply that I do, I find it rather an insult. But some people do anyways, not all, but quite a few. They're quick to analyze the things I wear, having that sneer on their faces and comparing me to their angelic children... All this without even knowing who I am.

And so, I worry constantly about what people would think of me. Even more so now that I am thinking of my future, once I graduate. I am thinking about various interviews that I would have to go to, and wonder how I would come off. To make matters worse, being the worrier I am, it will be something that will be constantly on my mind and worry me incessantly. I worry whatever mistakes that I have done before in front of a person would come back to nip me in the bud someday.

Was talking to a Anis sometime ago, and she was telling me that first impressions don't matter, since they're never accurate. And continued to tell me her first impression of me (which is totally hilarious) and how she was later proved wrong. It goes to show how some people are not always the way they seem the first time you meet them, only when you get to know them will you discover their real character, that is when they've settled into the acquaintance and have gotten comfortable. I agree, since I've many times wrongly judged a person from just what I see. But then again, the worrier in me will never cease to worry. I constantly need to be assured that I do not give the wrong idea towards people....because it is quite a while before I let go of myself. I might seem sometimes quiet/reserved/rude at first, but it's only because I need a few moments to adjust and compose myself. And so, I keep on worrying.

First impressions last a good long while in me; with the impressions of other people because it is
how I remember getting to know them, even if they are proved wrong later. And of myself because I care about that initial response to my character. So for that I have to apologize for any wrong impressions that I may have made to you or to people you know, and sorry if I misjudged you the first time I meet you. I've realized my mistakes and I hope you can as well....Ta.

Love, LinZy~

The holidays so far have been relaxing. That's what holidays are for, isn't it? I got to spend time with my family, whom I've barely been able to have quality time with during the entire short semester. It's nice, especially being able to sit down and talk and/or have a laugh with my mother, whom I have only been having quality conversations with on the phone. So despite the shortness of this holiday, I've managed to accomplish alot.

But of course, there's the fact that I have not been able to see Ash for a week. After spending days and nights at Fidzy's place during the semester, it's been very hard not to miss him terribly during the holidays. So yesterday, I had them (Ash, Fidzy and Shu) over for lunch and to just spend time. My mother and I made nasi kerabu and we picked them up at Seremban's train station around 11.00am...

I've no words to convey how good it felt to be able to see you again, sayang. Eventhough the holidays have been good to me, being able to see you made it all the better. I've missed you sayang, and I'm glad that the holidays are not too long and that I'll see you this Sunday.

Of course, it was also good to see Fidzy and Shu, the two other people I've been seeing alot these past few weeks. I've gotten too used to staying at Fidzy's place in TTDI with Ash and Shu, almost that it feels like we're a lil family living and spending time together. So after not seeing them for a week, it feels almost weird.

I was so glad you guys were able to make it to Seremban. A week has been feeling like forever...don't think I could wait til the 6th of July. I hope you guys had fun. I know there was not much time and not much to do, but it was just good to see you all. And my sister loved that you guys came. We don't do much at home, and she gets kinda bored. She loved hanging out with you guys and wishes she could do that some more. My sister says that you guys are all a lil crazy and she loves that, beats hanging around on her own.

Sigh...I am already wishing the semester would start.

The time we had was very brief, sayang, but such a relief all the same. Whatever stolen moments we had would carry me to Sunday... For now I know you're on a bus back home, and I shall be missing you dearly. Take care, love, and I'll see you when we both get back to campus on Sunday. Love you.

Love, LinZy~

Forgive me. I have been idling my time away pointlessly looking at clothes on eBay Malaysia and Lelong.com.my. As most would know, I have a total fetish for clothes and just cannot help myself from wanting to buy them. It's just a condition that I'm suffering from. Not that I mind...cos I love the feeling of putting on clothes that are nice (well, according to my taste that is). It's just that I sometimes tend to go overboard and buy more than what is necessary... Although, if I can say so, eversince I moved back from Kulim, I haven't had a decent baju-shopping done. Clothes here are much more expensive...But I don't worry all that much when I buy clothes, cos I never go for clothes that cost more than they should. I'm a sucker for nice, affordable clothes... Cos I don't see the point in splashing too much money on clothes knowing there are alternatives. And anyway, I don't have the figure for most of the clothes, so that would be another reason why I wouldn't be bidding on everything I see. Hehe... thank God.

But anyway, back to the point... I have been browsing eBay and Lelong non-stop and have been bidding on so many things. Although I probably would not even win most of it, because other people are bidding like crazy. But for as long as the price is affordable, I might just keep on bidding. See la how.

At the moment, the dresses are so totally getting my attention. I love wearing dresses. It's just that they're not quite convenient, cos when you're out and about, you wanna wear something that is easy to move around in...and for that purpose, I'd opt for pants or jeans. So, when looking at dresses, I like to look at dresses that can be worn with pants. The long, flowy ones or the sundresses I keep for wearing at home. Here are the dresses that I've been totally loving...

Eventhough I'm not buying any of them, and since they're not particularly convenient to wear all the time, I'm just keeping my eye on them cos they're the only ones within my budget and are nice as well.

And that's only the dresses. I haven't begun talking about the nice tops.... Again, don't worry. I've only bid on two items, and even that I might not win. Heheh...it's just a cyberspace version of window shopping.

In my wanderings and browsing, there were various ermmm, items of clothing that were really, hmmm...unique would be one way to put it. What other adjective would you use to describe nightgowns made to resemble costumes...? Costumes like a nurse, a policewoman (complete with baton and handcuffs, mind you) or a catholic schoolgirl? Pretty naughty stuff there. I'd raise my eyebrows, but me myself had my interest piqued nonetheless. I mean, I doubt I'd purchase it, but the idea certainly (in)voluntarily flitted through my mind... Erm, anyone would have that thought right? Errr.....right?

Aaaaanywaaaay......

Someone better drag me away from the laptop soon before I end up buying myself a whole new wardrobe (I solemnly swear that the schoolgirl outfit will not be included)... The clothes are just so tempting. Must...get....away....from....laptop.....

Love, LinZy~

It's the holidays. And after a semester with extra crazy on top, it's very hard to keep up the trend and have just as much a crazy holiday. So then, holidays with me is a time for reflection and long hours staring at the screen of the laptop finding things to occupy my time with.

My latest conquest in time-fillingness is reactivating my Tickle.com account. Having done that yesterday, I've been whiling my time and idle hands away with quizzes and tests of all sorts. From nicey-nice ones, to the provocative type questions. It's all in the name of bored-ism (boredom, actually; but my sister, not being familiar with it used 'bored-ism' instread), but at least it's something. There are other things I could do, of course, but more effort is involved so sometimes I pass.

Anyway, was browsing the long list of quizzes and I came across the 'How Sinful Are You? Test' and it rather struck my fancy. I mean, not that I subscribe to the idea, but I was rather piqued by the question of which one ruled over me... or perhaps how I fare in each of them. And so I took the test.

The 7 Deadly Sins were first described in the 6th Century by Pope Gregory the Great in the following ranking:

Now which one held me over the most? I did not find it surprising--I have excessive Pride. Yup, mine is right at the tippy-top. The one ranked first in the list. Said to have been the worst of the sins for it is a human being's attempt at Godliness, for being/feeling superior was thought to be an act of blasphemy in trying to rival God. But then, the test also attributes Pride to self-worth and self-respect. The fact that a person love him/herself and could not be bothered by what others think is also a sense of pride.

So, as it turns out, on a scale of 1-10, I am at a 9 with Pride, while the average person only comes at 5. And that is a whole lot of difference. But to be honest, I am not surprised. I know I sometimes come across as arrogant and self-important, often a little unfriendly... But then, if you were to know where I came from, you'd understand. Living a huge amount of your schoollife being picked on and told that you were dumb (in some subjects), lazy, unattractive etc. could put a damper on your spirits. Eventhough in my heart I knew I was better than people like them, it still hurt. So when you start fresh in a new environment, you make sure no one was gonna have the chance to put you down again. So you put on high defences, so that no one could shoot you.

So yeah, I have pride, because I feel the need to prove that I am better. And even if it's not that, it's to protect my soft squishy insides with a hard, proud outside (sounds a lil bit like M&Ms, doesn't it?).

The sceond highest I ranked at was Lust...surprisingly. I scored a 7 while the average was only 3... Thus meaning that err, hmmm, I'm...hornier than the average person. By 4 places. And on that, I have no comment...

The third highest ranking in sins is my Greed, where I got a 6 while the average only is at 4... Not so bad, as compared to the first two, where the difference was major. But I wouldn't disagree with this. I mean, wealth means alot nowadays, right? Even the most basic needs now costs so much. And with my allowance, it leaves a lot to be desired... But it doesn't mean that I never give back. I mean, I am more of a giver than a taker. It's just that sometimes I wish I had more... and I don't think I'm the only person in the world who feels so.

Gluttony ranks as fourth with me. I scored a 5 while the average is at 3. Not so bad lah...but still, that's more than the average. But heck yeah, I am guilty of eating alot things that are unhealthy rather than healthy. Dahla I am not even a sayur fan...I hardly eat greens. Yep, carnivore I am.

Next would be Sloth. Same like above, I got a 5 while the average was only 3. But according to the report, it says that it's not that I'm lazy, it's just that the space between one action to another is far between because I find it very hard to start something. The report suggests I should have more enthusiasm. I'm not sure how to respond to this... Yes, I'm more of a homebody, preferring a more laidback life... But when it comes to work, I love it. Ok, ok, yeah, a little slow at starting it, procrastinating and all, but I love it nonetheless.... Ok, I understand the assesment now.

The next is Envy, getting a 4 when the average is 2. And it says here "it indicates that you likely refrain from focusing too much on what others have, and at the same time probably don't spend alot of time worrying about what you don't have". So it's not so bad then. Like Greed, it's just that I long for a little more, but do not covet what others have. I'm pretty satisfied with what I have.

The last one, the one right at the bottom-est of my sins is Wrath. For this sin, I only got a 2 when the average is 3, making this the only one I do not have excess at. In fact, I am less wrath-y than the average. Which is well, true. I am very hard to anger. I can be very tolerant and make allowances...and I don't ever hold grudges. Which is also a curse (as mentioned in the entry 'Finding Ning Jing'), since people tend to take advantage of that and treat me anyway they want.
So, in short, my sins rank as follows:


I'd say that it's not bad... The explanations were pretty much interesting and accurate in many ways in the description of my character. But seeing how since 6 of the sins I scored more than the average, that makes me a pretty sinful person. Hehe... Not that I mind. It's just who I am.

Love, LinZy~

As soon as I wrote that last entry, I couldn't help but look through my photoblog in my laptop and scanned through the pictures and dates to see what went on during the time (when I had my N70, I took random pictures almost daily and had them sorted by date and they act as a sort of pictorial journal). And as it turns out, my initial guess of what happened during the time was right on the money, just leaving out a few minor details.

As far as being on holiday and in Kulim, that was all correct. The only part that I left out was the bit that my father who was then working for a Japanese company (Fuji Electric), was on a business trip to Japan, leaving my mom, sister, brother and me alone at home. And that posed no problem, since we love Kulim so very much (in fact, I feel more at home there than I am in Seremban) and always find ways to occupy our time. However, there were things going on during the time that caused me to not sleep at night and have huge flashlights and all manner of weapons under my pillow and all around me.

Around the area I lived in, there was an alarming rise of rape cases. It had gotten so bad that there were cases almost every night, with the rapist breaking in with the sole intention of violating the women and nothing else. You can offer him money and jewelleries but he would just brush it away. He'd rape a person at knifepoint and there was not much a person could do. And the perpetrator(s) apparently keep tabs on which household does not have an adult male living in with them or are away; hence no risk of being met with complications.

Hearing all these stories made my blood boil and hair stand on end. Scared as I was, I was furious too at how people have it in them to violate another person's dignity. I couldn't understand it. And even more than that, my father was not around...

I had my mother, my sister and myself to worry about. My brother was 12 and was more likely to scream like a girl than help in the event of trouble. And being the worrier I am, and as the eldest child, I felt it fell to me. But even without that feeling of responsibility, the thought alone was enough to keep me awake at night. And stay amake I did. In my worry, I could not sleep.

Everytime I even thought to close my eyes, I'd be awakened by the slightest sound and walk around the house searching it out. We all slept downstairs those nights without my dad, with me sleeping at the door. I had a huge flashlight that could cause a concussion, sprays that could blind, various swissarmy blades, and a bat. I know that if anyone'd attacked I would be overpowered, but like hell I'd give up without a fight.

So, for several nights, that was the routine. And in the day, I'd fall into an exhausted sleep,
taking comfort in the day; while it can still be dangerous, but at least it did not supply the cover of darkness.

It feels quite long ago now. Especially since I'm no longer in Kulim and now in Seremban... But that at least marks itself as having been progress. Dynamic. However, come to think of it, this time last year, at 2.35pm, I was probably about to sleep after being up all night....Oh well.

Love, LinZy~