Sup3rnality

Logging onto Xanga yesterday, there was a question posted on the main page that rather caught my eye. The question went: What were you doing this time last year?, or something to that effect. And I went into thought wondering what exactly occupied my time this date in the year before.

To be honest, I don't remember. I didn't go to lengths to check out the date properly, just relying on memory to see whether there was anything worth the space in my mind's harddisk. I'll probably check my journals and photos later for confirmation and will update this entry later.

For now lets go about this based solely on my Dory-like forgetfulness.

But then, thinking about it, there was not much to occupy my memory anyway. If I'm not mistaken, it was the semester holidays then, right after the short semester (just like now), and life was same old, same old. I was probably in Kulim then, either lazing about at home, at my siblings' school waiting to pick them out or out with my mom shopping or having a drink. Just another typical day at home for me, no matter where I am.

Before you tell me my life is lame, let me get to my point. I've always known that my life has been uneventful. Lifelong homebody I am. Both by choice and design. And I have been fine with that. I have always been content with what I have, and do not resent not being able to have more than what is attainable. Not that I do not dream of more, but I take what I can, a step at a time and be thankful of what I do have.

And no, you do not have the right to tell me that I do not know what I'm missing. Everything is relative. By your definition, I am probably someone who has not seen the world enough to know what I want. But what you think does not matter. This is my life, and what I want and what the people I care about want is what matters to me most. I am what I am because of my choices in life. If you cannot appreciate the way I choose to live my life, then that would mean you do not respect the person I am.

So, today in history, I was 21 going on 22, living an uneventful but contented life with a good family and wonderful friends. Anything more going on on that day would have just been a bonus, because I already was happy.

Love, LinZy~

The semester came and went.

And soon, I wouldn't have that to say anymore.

It does seem a little odd, the prospect of leaving IIUM. Not that I haven't thought about it or prepared myself for it or even fantasized about it a million times; but now that it is actually coming to be, drawing closer, the anticipation+the dread is making itself known. It's a mix of emotions, and I cannot really put it into words; and I'm not going to. I'll keep for when I really do leave IIUM. For now I'll just enjoy the 4 months that I still have.

The last 2 months have been eventful, crazy, confusing, and on top of it all, wonderful. Not for the semester itself, of course, but the events that it brought with it. The semester itself, well, let's just say I went with all the motions, not quite feeling it at all. I understand close to nothing in my Arabic 2 class...if not for my sayang's effort to teach me abit, well, my statement would go: 'I understand nothing in my Arabic 2 class...'. And then there's World Literature, a subject that I would have loved if not for the fact that colonialism/postcolonialism+feminism dominated the entire syllabus. It's just not my area. I can decipher literature fine and dandy, but if I've no passion in it's subject topic, then they just fall flat without much to bounce on.

But that's just academic-wise. The three-quarters of the semester which was not spent in class was much more fun =) The ones that have been spent with Ash, of course, there are no words for it. There were some un-fun parts, the ones that came from misunderstanding of certain parties and the like...I guess it comes with the territory, but the rest was unbelievably wonderful. It's like getting to know a new me. Or is just a part of an old me that I've never met?

Whichever one it is, I've never met Linzy in Love, and she's one helluva person to meet. And this whole semester, I've been discovering deeper and deeper depths of her that I never knew existed. It's new and it's scary sometimes and surprising and wonderful all at once. It makes me all kinds of happy; and especially happy that us happened the way it happened, sayang. I cannot explain it, but I'm thankful it did.

And Fidzy, I dunno whether I am at liberty to say it, but I think I am; I am happy that you are happy. I guess I'm not the only one rediscovering myself this semester. You 'scared' me on Friday with the shoes and everything....sigh. These 2 months have been crazy. And it's been so great hanging at your place for days on end, lepaking with you and Shu and your family, too. And in case you're wondering, yes, I still have that 'freaky' revelation/vision thing in my mind. And yes, you are so uncool now. But it's alright, I think it's a cool kinda uncool. *wink wink*

It's gonna be a very quiet holiday, having to contend with what just went on in the semester. I'm gonna be missing you alot, sayang. And all of you Twisties that I love as well. I'm looking forward to a new semester on the 7th... New adventures and craziness and twistedness. Aaah, a perfect way to end my IIUM stint with a bang....ermmm, not that kind. I meant the other kind, you know, the kind that just explodes and just...ooh, nevermind. Thanks for the wonderful semester... Now to await the exam results... I hope this won't be the first time I'd have to repeat a paper.

Love, LinZy~

Flower: [about two birds fluttering around] Well! What's the matter with them?
Thumper: Why are they acting that way?
Friend Owl: Why, don't you know? They're twitterpated.
Flower, Bambi, Thumper: Twitterpated?
Friend Owl: Yes. Nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime. For example: You're walking along, minding your own business. You're looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when all of a sudden you run smack into a pretty face. Woo-woo! You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head's in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you're walking on air. And then you know what? You're knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head!
Thumper: Gosh, that's awful.
Flower: Gee whiz.
Bambi: Terrible!
Friend Owl: And that ain't all. It could happen to anyone, so you'd better be careful.

Twitterpated -
An enjoyable disorder characterized by feelings of excitement, anticipation, high hopes, recent memories of interludes, giddiness, and physical overstimulation which occur simultaneously when experiencing a new love. These feelings take over without warning, usually at odd times (such as at a check-out line), with or without the partner present, and make it difficult to concentrate on anything but romance. They interfere with work and safe driving, but should be experienced at least once in every person's lifetime.

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"Say hello to Bambi. And Thumper and Flower..."

Those were the parting words my mother gave me as we ended our almost 2 hour long conversation. And to anyone who has grown up with Disney cartoons gracing their screens or has at least watched 'Bambi', the word 'twitterpated' would immediately leap to mind.

I finally had that long overdue talk with my mother. And it was that overdue-ness that scared me to no end, wondering why she has kept mum (no pun intended) after she found out about my current status. I was in Shah Alam last weekend, due to having to go to Cyberjaya earlier in the week and because of the tv interview on the following Tuesday (ref: entry 'My Half an Hour of Fame'), because it was just more convenient to be in that vicinity at that particular time. But that also meant that I wouldn't be seeing my parents or siblings over the weekend like I would usually do. So my mother and I resorted to chatting over the phone.

Like I mentioned, I've been worried over why my mother avoided approaching the topic regarding my being with Ash. So many thoughts rushed to my mind... The wondering of perpetual whys and maybes. It drove me mad, her silence. But after long gossiping on the phone about nothing at all, we finally approached the topic. And hearing her talk about it the way we would talk about everything else lifted the burden in me and made me relieved again.

Apparently my mother has been feeling a sense of resentment, which explains her avoidence in all subjects pertaining to my not being single. She may not have realized it at first, but after talking to her friend, she's realized that her melancholy comes from her being depressed that I have a new person in my life. And it straightaway clicked with me, the reason behind her refusal to confide in me her feelings about my relationship.

This has filled me with guilt. The past few weeks I haven't exactly been tolerant and friendly. My fever made me cranky, and on top of that, the fact that I wrecked my phone made me irritable. So I wasn't a fun person to be around, and I guess that didn't help with the news I'd just broken to my mother. She says she feels like she's losing her best friend.

I forget sometimes that I am (nearly) 23. All my mother sees is her daughter growing up and leaving to find herself.

I see now how it seemed to my mother. How I should have eased in to the issue a bit more gradually and at a time when I could, with a sane and clear mind, make her feel more accepting of it. And I am deeply ashamed of myself and so very sorry. Caught up in my own world, I forgot to consider how it would have seemed to other people and especially to the people I care most.

But thankfully, we're ok now, after her coming clean with me, we've cleared the air and all is right again. Except, well, for some new developments that I've just heard. But me and my mother, we're alright, and that means the world to me.

My mother and I, we talked about a whole lot of things. And I've been telling her that 'tis the season (falalalalalalalala~), cos FidZy is now apparently no longer single (which I found out while in the Fairuz's car going back to Shah Alam, and the news left me dumbfounded for a while). Even Iylia has found herself a guy (this would be her first boyfriend, if I'm not mistaken). And I've been hearing about my ex-schoolmates getting hitched. So...I guess it's springtime. Meaning that we're all:

Twitterpated.

Or addlepated.

Maybe both.

I'm amazed by the extent of how much I'm feeling. I don't remember ever feeling the flush of so many emotions at once. I don't remember. I'm a little rusty in this department. It's been so long since. Even then, it was nothing close to being like this. For all the craziness that happen in my life, it's nice to be able to recline at the end of the day talking to Ash and just bask. It's a reprieve. A comfort. And I've been giving myself up to it, so much so I forget that I'm me. Just letting lose and letting myself feel. I've never known this me. I'm still getting used to her. But I like her already. Sometimes I feel like this is the person I am. Just that she's never had the chance to show herself.

So, twitterpated.

And addlepated.

That's what I am.

But I wouldn't give up this feeling for the world. I love you, Ash.

Love, LinZy~

27th May 2008. Tuesday. By right and schedule, I have World Literature in English at 10am with Miss Aishah. But where was I? Not in class, that's for sure. Nope, I was somewhere doing something much out of my character, or usual day-to-day life, even. Where was I at that time? I was at NTV7 studios, having my make-up done in their make-up room, waiting for Fairuz to arrive, while being anxious about being on air in an hour's time.

Yup, I was gonna be appearing on tv. NTV7 to be exact on a show called 'Venus'. Apparently after the stint in Female Magazine, now NTV7 decided they wanted to interview us as well on their daily women's talk show. And what for? What else if not to talk about my obsession, Joss Whedon and his works. All hail Joss. The show was gonna focus on my friend Fairuz and I and our interest in collecting various things, including movie/tv show/music memorabilia among other things. And me, of couse, would be showcasing my Whedonesque collection. From my BtVS/Angel/Firefly action figures to books and comics. I was feeling so damn proud.

So, after my make-up, I was ushered into the sound room or whatever they call it and was hooked up with wires for microphones and such and was brought onto the set. The host/producer. Sariah Wan Jaafar, was gonna interview us instead of their other host, Aishah Sinclair, and we chatted a bit before we went live. Fairuz soon came in and we were both just psyching one another to relax. I swear to God, when the cameramen started counting down to going live, I panicked a while, suddenly forgetting what I was there for and worrying about what I was gonna say, how I was gonna look on tv and how I would sound. But it was all good when it started, and was able to gather my wits and do my thing.

It was all good. I knew my collections through and through. It's not something foreign for me to talk about. I mean, I was talking in my lingo, how hard can it possibly be? So I did my thing. I would say I did rather well. I didn't clam up or get nervous or start babbling...so that's definitely 'well' in my book. Although, Sariah jumped us with the 'do you have a boyfriend' question and what our boyfriend's think about our collectibles. Me, not expecting any of that kind of questions became sweaty all of a sudden and was thinking 'Bloody hell. What do I say?'. I wasn't gonna deny the fact that I'm with Ash but at the same time, I have yet to tell some of my family members about my new status and I don't think they're ready just yet. After a bit of a pause, I said that 'It would remain a mystery' and thankfully we went to commercials so I could regroup.

Heheh...It was all good. I would have liked it if Ash was there but it's ok sayang. You had class and you couldn't afford to miss it. And anyway you were there for me when I had to go to Cyberjaya for the shooting for the cover story at Fairuz's house. I appreciated it lots that you were there with me. Love you.

So, that's one helluva experience. My half-an-hour of fame, I suppose. Hehehe...I should be so lucky. Apparently it costs 30k a person to come on a show like that and we simply got invited. And even more, I got to talk about Joss and promote his work and spread the love. So...that's it. My half-an-hour on live national tv. It was cool. An experience that I wouldn't trade for the world.

Of course, my father being my father (I have no resentment; just some slight exasperation and amusement), he went on about how these things can be dangerous. How there are always people preying on young, 'impressionable' people, luring them with false promises of popularity and such. First of all, I was not attention-hungry when I got into it. I am not one to thrust myself too much into the limelight, I am not comfortable with it. I don't even fancy showbiz. I was just honestly piqued by the idea of promoting Joss Whedon and his works. And also, I didn't just jump into it without really knowing whether it was for real. Besides, I had Ash with me most of the time to keep an eye out. So I did not have to worry.

As for the others? Well, I got a whole bunch of comments and stuff, but all in all good.

Thanks Jasmine for the experience. Ayus for getting us into crazy stuff like this. My sayang, Ash, for the support and company. FidZy for lending me your 'other men' in your life. My mother, my biggest fan. And all you others, friends and family alike for various reasons. It wouldn't have been half as fun without you guys being around.

So here's the clips from the show. I may have seemed anxious, fidgety and concious; but what the heck, it was fun.

PART 1

PART 2

PART 3

Love, LinZy~

~I feel rushed and excited~

Happy one month, love. Although, as you put it, spending time together-wise, it's only been about 15 days. And a very eventful 15 days it has been... Heheh. Well, here's to a month, and for many many more to come.

Love you.

Love, LinZy~

Today's the 11th of May, 2008. Mother's Day. And I'm determined to put into words everything that I feel when it comes to my mother. But the words get lost in the din. There are too many things to say and too little words to describe her with. And I doubt that ever, even if again and again I read through the dictionary, would I ever be able to do justice in explaining my mother. So here's (again) I'm posting up an entry I wrote some years ago on Mother's Day that encompasses what I feel for her. It was relevant then, and is still relevant now as it will always be.
So here it is, Happy Mother's Day, Ibu.

I love you more than words would ever be able to express.

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“I don’t think I’ll ever be…”

This, I quietly I whispered hoarsely to myself. My voice breaking, struggling to reign in the raging emotions in me; I steadied myself, gathering up all my courage to turn to the owner of the voice who just asked me:

“Ready?”

__________________________________

It was the 25th May 2003; my suitcases were packed and ready to be loaded up into the car, my clothes were laid out, ready to be donned, and myself? I wasn’t ready; I don’t think I ever will be.

My clothes were in a suitcase, another bag was stuffed with pillows and a blanket, and in another bag I had some miscellaneous knick-knacks. On my bed I had a white baju kurung and a white tudung, ironed nicely and laid out. But they sat there forlorn at one corner of my room, while I at the other, stared into space, a kaleidoscope of emotions fogging my vision.

I was finally there. I have been waiting for that moment; the moment when I no longer had to be dictated into pouring my time and energy into learning things I hadn’t half the mind for. I’ve had it with centralized exams, that judges your achievement based on what you memorized rather than understood. I was finally leaving all that.

I got accepted, of course. Just like I knew I would, into the University of my choice to take the subject I have long yearned for. I could not contain my excitement.

And yet, there were things that caused such a stir in my mind that it hurt to think of it. But still, I knew there was no running from it, and sooner or later, I’d have go through it—

I had to leave my mother.

____________________________________

My mother had always been the voice of my sanity, my rock that held me down. She understood me even when I didn’t want to be. She forgave me even when I didn’t earn it.

My mother is my life, and for 18 years, I’ve never left her side.

Home is where the heart is, and my heart had always been with my mother. When I see her, it’s like being at home. All my troubles flee, and I can be myself, without having to fear the world.

She wipes my tears when I cry, she listens when I have to let it out, she holds me when I feel insecure, she remains my friend when others leave my side.

My life is filled with her. I was the only child for 10 years and was lonely most of the time. I did not like going out; so my mother and I entertained each other.

As I grew older, she became more than just my mother. She was the friend that never judged, the older sister I didn’t have, the girlfriend I gossiped with, and the mother that embodied all that I need.

Most days were spent with her and me going out, just to have a drink, to shop, just to drive around; just for the sake of enjoying each other’s company.

She’s just as she is, perfect; she’s my mother, and I love her to the very core of my soul.

______________________________________________

Years have past since that day, when I had I knew it was time to step out from under her wing to learn how to make my own shelter. Remembering the feeling, the knowledge that I had to leave her I can still remember until today.

I knew I wasn’t going to leave her permanently. It wasn’t like I was moving away and that I wouldn’t see her in years or perhaps never again. But what I knew was that, I was another step closer to when I’d actually have to leave her. I was another step closer to the life that I had to build on my own.

I saw it in her eyes when I held her before I had to leave, I saw how much she wanted me to be that young girl again whom she could pick up in her arms and protect. But I was no longer that little girl. Maybe I still am, but that little girl had to find herself, explore the world outside of the safety of her mother’s arms.

But I couldn’t cry. Not with her looking on, hoping to see me brave my way to a new future. No, I had to be strong. I could not cry. I would not cry.

But—

I remember crying that night; I remembered how she sent me message after message telling me she loved me and how much she missed me. I remember wanting to be there with her to tell her it’s alright and that I’ll be alright. I remember how hollow I felt, how I felt so lonely.

I could still feel her arms around me, hugging me tight. Her voice wavering, trying to keep it together even when I knew she was about to break. Her eyes betrayed the brave front she put on, her eyes looking straight into me, conveying to me just how she wished we had more time to have fun, without the inevitable future looming in on us.

______________________________________________

I remember that day as if it were yesterday. On this day, Mother’s Day, I feel it the most. Especially with her not by my side, but on the other end of the country.

These days I wish I cherished those days gone by more. I tell her that I love her more. I wish I was young again more. I wish I could be next to her and take care of her more.

These days, when she’s not close to my side, I wish I was a little girl again.

______________________________________

“Ready?”

My mother asked me on the 25th of May 2003, taking one of my bags to help me bring them down to the car.

My emotions dangerously bubbled at the surface, I muttered to myself the answer I felt in my soul. Oh God, I never will be ready. You can ask me a million times over at any point in my life, I’d never be ready to leave my mother.

But turning slowly to face her, I put on a brave face­—for her. Steeling myself, I turned to her with a smile that belied everything that I felt. I said:

“I’m ready.”

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Also, Happy Mother's Day to Mom. My other mother. Who was there when I grew up just as much as my own mother. We might not share the same bond, but you're my mother nonetheless. Love you, Mom.


Love, Lin/Ayin~