Sup3rnality

I'm out my mind.

I can't do metaphors when there is no painting up what I feel to make it any less real. Does that make sense? No, I suppose not.

I am caught in a constant dilemma. My internal monologue is talking my ear off and I can't listen anymore. The din inside here is becoming so deafening that I'm going out of my mind. I am out of my mind. I heard myself say that over and over for the past few weeks.

It began with the dreams. And the thing that she mentioned offhand, when I was offguard. I realized something then: that I was out of my mind. Dreams cannot be, but I am having trouble waking from them. I'm beginning to believe that I'm living them, or not yet....perhaps soon.

I'm out of my mind.

I felt my face burn. Seared and an open flame that could be read by anyone who saw. It's like being on fire, the house burning down and with everyone watching like it was the most beautiful sight ever. Even the firemen has stopped to watch, and I don't think they're planning to put it out. Heck, even I'm having second thoughts.

My private monologue longs to sit down and have a little chat with me, if possible, face to face. I suspect it has alot to scream to my face. It'll probably love to give me a slap acroww the face to wake me up. Maybe shake my mind out... I guess there's no blame in that. She has been working overtime, compartmentalizing everything, plaing them in manageable sections that can be stored and filed away in a moreorganized manner. So I could take them down and study them at my own leisure. Truth is, the filing cabinet is so full of cases that need to be read and reviewed, that I'm bursting at the seams. Urgent matters need discussing. I'm going out of my mind.

I heard it whispering in ear last night. It told me it's ok. Life stretches into the horizon, and we can't see what beyond without going that extra mile, or that slight offroad, or detour, or pushing that huge rock off the road. Although, to be honest, I've said that it's ok to just ignore the rock and trip... But I'm rethinking that.

So is it left or right? Or the stright and narrow? Heh, I'll confer with my monologue, my conscience, my side-kick; let's see what she says.

I'm out of my mind. And I have a feeling that I'm not alone in this.

Lin~

That was-- That was--

Wow.

I can't feel my brain. I mean, that was--

Wow.

Mind-blowing. Crazy. Extraordinary. Extremely unbelievable. Damn psycho of a plot. I was speechless and motionless for a complete minute. It's just--

Wow.

A bit of 'eww' in somewhere in there, too. Not to mention the 'Oh my God. Oh my GOD. OH MY GOD.' And the 'What the Hell?', as well. But mostly, my mind was screaming: 'I bloody knew it'.

Or actually, I saw it coming but never thought it'd actually come to be. So, still, 'Oh my God; comes more to mind.

Wow.

Where would this go? Where would it lead? What does it mean? What would happen eventually? And will the Soulful Duo make an appearance and step in? we won't know til they happen.

But--

Wow.

This wouldn't be the first time, though. We Whedonites all know this little dance number and we'll dance along. Just as long as we don't end up in smoke or in a Pylea, I think we'll deal. Until then, in JOSS we trust. And oh, I shall read no more spoilers.

~Lin

(written for FidZy)

We don't talk anymore. So often now we sit next to one another without ever saying a word. In silence we would stay until I accept that he would not say a thing no matter how long I sit by his side. We do not talk. I'm not even sure he listens. So sometimes I leave. Leave him to himself; hoping on another day he'd talk to me.

Sometimes I stare deep into his eyes to see any trace of acknowledgement. Just hoping that he'd see me, to let him know that I'm there for him if he ever wants to talk. But he doesn't. He just gives me a smile that hardly reaches his eyes, let alone his cold heart. He doesn't talk. And so I go, perhaps another day.

He's so still. Unmoving. Stares off into space, thinking... Thinking thoughts that I know are not of me. I'm tired of this. Tired of trying when he never bothers to. Maybe there's no use coming around anymore. Waiting on a person who can't even turn his head to show you he sees you; that he cares. He's so cold. So I'll say goodbye.

I remember once upon an August, awhile since the trail was left cold; a voice came late at night seeking refuge. A voice I've not heard speak my name that way since the trail ran cold.

And I swear I thought it a dream. So sudden into sleep it came bidding my attention...and I wish I gave it that. Mind yawning too wide to hold in sleep. I forgot those wistful words for a yesterday. Forgot how it'd ached to think of posibilities but handed none. I forgot.

I do not remember now what passed for conversation that night. I can only wish I did. A hope to hold on to when even straws begin to crumble; a cruel whisper of warmth yet so cold when in night. But rather that, than the silence of vacuum.

Is it this I am supposed to hold on to? Or is it the comforts said in my ear when all was crashing like waves? Or the song on the other end of the line? Or is it the look I'm somtimes graced with...?

Tell me. Tell me now. Or will this familiar stranger call again once in an August?

Yours, Lin~

It is a slow burn to reach boiling point.
Heat turned on low, but burning bright.
Kindling flames stoking a raging fire.
I'm cold I say, but within ablaze.

Yours, Lin~

For those who've newly joined the world of humans, I would like to let you know that there is a difference between honesty and tact. In fact, not only is there tact, there is also a boundary of what can be said and what cannot. Even if you are friends with the person, it doesn't gives you the right to say all that is on your mind regarding them or their family. It is just not done. Only a person or alien stupid enough that can't see logic would do something so invasive. In the world where human beings reside, honesty is not necessarily the best policy as you dumbass aliens might think. Just because you read all about humans in a bunch of books about their lifestyles and habits doesn't make you a bloody pro. So don't think you're so smart. In fact, you know nothing. You don't learn about how to blend in with humanfolk from books, stupid. Reading a manual on humans will do squat for you. It's getting to know them that will teach you about them. Be a part of them. Feel what they feel. Do what they do. If not, what else would you do with that knowledge but quote from the book like a gorramn walking encyclopaedia that no one wants to listen to? And by the way, we human beings aren't stupid. Just because we don't speak the way you do doesn't mean we know nothing. You painstakingly explaning every single thing when really, we know them already; deconstructing it is an unnecessary redundancy. There's no need for that. We human beings choose not to insult our companions by implying that they are ill-informed through nonstop commentaries of every single thing. And then there you are explaining the mechanics of your spaceship when all we commented on were how pretty the paintjob is. No one wants to know, honestly. And by the time you finish with your litany, we human beings have forgotten or have gotten bored of it and are ready to move on. Really, save your breath, or whatever it is you aliens use to speak and breathe. I understand that you are an alien and therefore are in such a way that is different from us people. But since you've been complaining of wanting fit in within the human world, act like one. Don't apply your logic when the majority is human logic and then whine when you don't get your way. Being a human means being cogs in a wheel that helps the wheel turn. Not a pebble that lodges itself in the hollows and disrupt movement. So really, its either you be human or you get back to the planet where you came from and whine about it there. Not whine among us because you refuse to act human when you're trying to be human.

And anyway, to whomever yang terasa, that means it is for you. I don't like pointing fingers. But if you think it's you, then yeah... It is. Like the old Malay saying goes 'siapa yang makan cili, dialah yang terasa pedasnya', or, in Xander's words: "He who smelt it dealt it."

Lin~