Sup3rnality

For those who've newly joined the world of humans, I would like to let you know that there is a difference between honesty and tact. In fact, not only is there tact, there is also a boundary of what can be said and what cannot. Even if you are friends with the person, it doesn't gives you the right to say all that is on your mind regarding them or their family. It is just not done. Only a person or alien stupid enough that can't see logic would do something so invasive. In the world where human beings reside, honesty is not necessarily the best policy as you dumbass aliens might think. Just because you read all about humans in a bunch of books about their lifestyles and habits doesn't make you a bloody pro. So don't think you're so smart. In fact, you know nothing. You don't learn about how to blend in with humanfolk from books, stupid. Reading a manual on humans will do squat for you. It's getting to know them that will teach you about them. Be a part of them. Feel what they feel. Do what they do. If not, what else would you do with that knowledge but quote from the book like a gorramn walking encyclopaedia that no one wants to listen to? And by the way, we human beings aren't stupid. Just because we don't speak the way you do doesn't mean we know nothing. You painstakingly explaning every single thing when really, we know them already; deconstructing it is an unnecessary redundancy. There's no need for that. We human beings choose not to insult our companions by implying that they are ill-informed through nonstop commentaries of every single thing. And then there you are explaining the mechanics of your spaceship when all we commented on were how pretty the paintjob is. No one wants to know, honestly. And by the time you finish with your litany, we human beings have forgotten or have gotten bored of it and are ready to move on. Really, save your breath, or whatever it is you aliens use to speak and breathe. I understand that you are an alien and therefore are in such a way that is different from us people. But since you've been complaining of wanting fit in within the human world, act like one. Don't apply your logic when the majority is human logic and then whine when you don't get your way. Being a human means being cogs in a wheel that helps the wheel turn. Not a pebble that lodges itself in the hollows and disrupt movement. So really, its either you be human or you get back to the planet where you came from and whine about it there. Not whine among us because you refuse to act human when you're trying to be human.

And anyway, to whomever yang terasa, that means it is for you. I don't like pointing fingers. But if you think it's you, then yeah... It is. Like the old Malay saying goes 'siapa yang makan cili, dialah yang terasa pedasnya', or, in Xander's words: "He who smelt it dealt it."

Lin~

Friday afternoon. I am home after the weekly journey of railway transportations that, while too routine to be exciting, has never lost its flavour. Did not sleep much the night before, too occupied with the literature available at my disposal. Home meant rest, and I looked forward to taking full advantage of that.

Rest meant a cozy affair with pillows surrounding me, luring me into the arms of sleep. And so it did.

We dream. We all do. Every single time we sleep long enough to enter upon REM sleep, we dream. Even if we do not remember, we actually do. And for me, those dreams that seem the most real, the ones that I remember the most are the ones that are born of fatigue and weariness. And I remembered this one.

It's been a long time since I've had ones like this. The kind that you not only remember, but dwell on for days. And it's been a long time that such dreams were of lighthearted, heart-fluttering joy.

Too often have my dreams been of me leading a war; a leader on the frontlines tackling enemies head on alongside my legion, death on my heels. It scares me sometimes when the dream includes me looking into the wardrobe and thinking what I want to be wearing when I die fighting. Thinking of a million ways to say goodbye to my family. Trying to come to terms with my impending death.

And so the dream brought upon by tiredness was a reprieve from all the other typical dreams I would so often have. This was one that made me feel like I was 16 again.

And I can't tell exactly the contents of this dream. It's nothing that can be explained with words.

And words are never enough.

But I remember the feeling. It's like being 16, and 22 and 13 all at once. 16 for such mature immaturity, the memories the dream echoed and rekindled, and for the brink and bridge to fall from and to cross. 22 for the realization of more and the recognition of possibility, with slight juvenile mischief that is still present, but with the maturity of reason. And 13 for a more carefree time and a memory I have of a certain day at that age. Splashing water comes to mind. Clothes. Sandals. Change. Keys. Gate. Falling. Support. Hands. Breaking. Catching. Throwing. Laughter. Thanks.

The dream was brief. Yet real enough to have me checking my side when I awoke. I was disappointed with what I found, or did not find. But I still have a smile on my face.

And I still wonder what dreams really are. What they entail. Does it hold any knowledge we have yet to tap into? we'll never know for sure. But the future stretches far into the distance, maybe we'd find out along the way.

Yours, Lin~

Looking at my friends, be it the ones I've known for a long time or just these past few years, ones I see often or the ones whom I've not for years; I am constantly amazed at how much they've changed over the years. Thinking of how I first got to know them and where we are now present time, it never cease to amaze me just how fast the clock is ticking.

And I feel like I've been at a standstill. Seeing people around me evolve when all I've done is turn my head away for a little while. And I feel like I'm in the eye of a storm, so silent and still when all around everything is spinning so fast. But I know, the truth is I'm spinning fast too.
It's easy to see the change in others. Easier to see how the time has forced those I know to turn into familiar strangers. But looking into the mirror, I know that I haven't stopped spinning either.

Never in the past would I have envisioned that I'd be this present person. It's hard to begin to explain what got me where I am now. Experiences changed me little by little: scratched the surface and planted seeds. Pulled them out and made them hollow. Violated and left them broken. Stunting them in the dark. Let it grow under the bright sun. Watered them and let them bloom. And I cannot be what I am without any of those things I've been through. I'll never change them memories for anything.

I've been a child, a teenager (yes, I still hate the word and it cannot roll off my tongue without feeling odd and leaving a bad aftertaste; but that's the best word to use), and now a woman (and I can't grasp this one either. Still so much in accepting-denial. I know what I am, and I've always been one to count the days I'd no longer be considered a child, but the future is staring straight at me and for the first time, I feel actually scared). No wait, I am all of them; I AM a child, a teenager and a woman. And importantly: I'm a daughter, a sister, and a friend.
Those are the things that never change.

My experience may change me. Alters beliefs and principles and thinking and mannerisms and outlook and a thousand other things. But I remain to be what I am.

Love, Lin~

I wouldn't admit it. Not vocally, anyway. But I am. Fine, I admit it, I am... shhh, don't say it. Saying gives it gravity. Makes it weighty. Makes me fall harder than I expect to. Saying it gives it life, substantiates it in some way, even if you can't touch it. But the truth is that it still lies true. I am. I don't show it but I am.

Occupation sometimes loses its flavour when you turn around and see ghosts. There is comfort yet there also is the yawning silence that rings loudly in the quiet. And in those times I find myself knocking on doors. Doors which I thought kept life within, but no one answers.

Maybe it wouldn't be for long, I sometimes think. I've gotten this far in life, and I suppose that I'll find it, or find it again somehow. One cannot tell. Too early to say anyway. But that's how it is, isn't it? The future seems to be looming near, and yet too far to touch. And while it is too far, it is coming uncomfortably fast, ready to hit me in the face when I least expect it to.

And while I wouldn't admit it, and at the same time nonchalantly see things through; I am deaf in the vacuum. And sometimes it gets to me so much I find myself conversing with apparitions. I am, you know. I am so much. And I miss it. Great muppety Odin, I miss late nights when all is still except for that quick rush that runs through.

And that, might not ever be. But I wouldn't be surprised if blue-haired old me would stumble on it again and find it as it was. But that's wishful thinking.

So I am. It comforts me. But it hurts me. But who knows? The future is around the corner.

Yours, Lin~

I know the words I've been saying don't make the slightest of sense as of late. I know that I've been spinning webs so loose that you'd fall right through and not grasp a single strand. And I know it's hard to fathom something that is too much surface that it hardly causes a scratch on the, well, surface.

It might be the reason why you find it difficult to comprehend the words I say is because these are not meant for you. And no, before you think it, I'm not meaning that you cannot read what I say, nor am I saying to you to mind your own business. I am well aware of this being a public domain and anything I write here is open for general consumption, for all to see. And this here is my point: While I am no recluse, I am no socialite either. I like my privacy, but I also need to connect. I don't say all that is in me (although I do say more than I mean, spill more secrets than I should, bare more than is appropriate...What can I say? I speak before I really think sometimes), for fear of many things. I am afraid of scrutiny, afraid of judgment, afraid of jinxing my hopes, afraid of having sense knocked into dreams... So I don't say many things.

I don't say things, but I have to. Some of feelings are almost cancerous, eating from the inside out. And yet, letting it out bare like that allows for eyes to see the flaws without its manual and explanation. And so I spin truths into riddles to take the away the edge off the sharp knife. And at the very heart is all what I feel in me in its barest form.

And so, it is not for you but for me. It is for my sanity that I write the way I write. I find the comfort I need in being able to give voice to my thoughts, in this medium and yet still be able to ensure they remain as mine alone.

And if you understand them, then perhaps it is for you. Or a person you might know. Or the other person. Or the other. But if you don't, you need not try to. Chances are you've stumbled upon myself trying to comfort myself in my words of my written thoughts.

Love, Lin~

And I'm not saying that I'll hold on too long, too strong that come a time, if ever, I won't be able to bow out gracefully. I'm just saying, well, if ever, while even on this high, I'd know how to fall; and while I know how to land on two feet, I won't exactly be whole or unscathed. But that's alright, you know, cos I know what I'm doing.

Although, truth is, I really don't. You see me still lingering in shadows, not haunting, but still a stalwart shadow. And while I hope you don't see this vestige of my self, I hope my presence is felt. And while I understand the reason for my stay, I don't know why I don't check out from having being on a too long waiting list...that is, if I'm even on it.

And sometimes, I don't know what I'm saying, and I don't know why I say all this; but nonetheless, I understand every word. Like the things I do, it makes sense now, and it might not in the future. And yet I say it anyways, for in its public existence, I find a connection that I would otherwise lack in its opposite.

And this is what I do: being a ghost seeking a ghost. Clutching at straws, at things that I want but don't see. And I know that I can't see far enough, but I can see the now; and maybe that's enough for now.

Yours, Lin~

I have been harbouring some fears lately about my involvement in the Explore UK program. Yes, I am elated beyond anything I could possibly explain at the thought of being able to visit the one place that holds much fascination to me. But at the same time, I feel some sort of apprehension at being a part of this.

For those not in the know, I got myself a place among a select few who'll be able to visit UK on a Literature field trip/humanitarian program. There was a poster on the notice board of my faculty, and decided to sign up and see what it was about. After an interview, myself along with 7 others got chosen for this trip; accompanied by some committee members and two lecturers.

The catch, though, is to get sponsors to finance our trip; and that is something we're lacking. And since the proposed trip would be from the 1st to the 7th of May 2008, we have about half a year to look for sponsors. And that is where my fear lies.

Contrary to what you may be thinking now, I am not comtemplating pulling myself out for fear that I am unable to commit. That's not it at all. I feel like I am in my element and I would not pass up this oppurtunity for anything. But what I'm really worried about is that with my hopes sky high, I might fall harder if something does not go right.

I wonder whether we would get enough sponsors in time for the trip. Without sponsors, we would have to bear the expenses on our own, and that would include airfare, accomodations, food on top of the personal expenses. And in the even that this happens, I doubt I'd be able to afford the trip.

It's not that I don't have faith that we won't find any financial support for this trip; it's just that I'm voicing out the one thing that is hindering me from leaping for joy that I'd be able to see UK sometime in the future. It's just this one fear that is hanging at the back of my mind.

I'm sure we'd find enough sponsors in time. I pray for it. And I have faith in myself and this team. I don't want to begin to ponder just how hard it would be to give up what I got and see others go without my being able to be part of it. I can handle rejection well enough, but it doesn't mean it won't hurt.

So here's to hoping that I'd find sponsors who'd be interested in financing a bunch of college kids who'd love literature so much they'd love to see the places where the writers took their inspiration from; walk the streets they walked, see the sights they saw; be in the same space where they once existed and created their brand of art... It would be something of a dream.

Love, Lin~