Sup3rnality

I watched Spiderman 3 on Saturday night. I know, probably everyone else has watched it, seeing how it's been out since the 1st; or maybe has already watched it more than once. Well, not that it matters but I thought you'd probably be rolling your eyes at this point thinking 'Yeah, so? I've watched it last week'. For me, there isn't that much of an urgency to watch it anyway. I'm not a fan of the movie nor am I a fan of Tobey Maguire. Again, you may be thinking 'So?'. I don't know... You know how sometimes you just don't really like an actor and cannot be bothered to see a movie he's in? We'll if you have that kind of actor in mind, that's how it is for me.

Anyway, more to the point of this whole train of thought; so I watched the movie. I went to see it with my aunt and uncle, who were the ones that were really interested in seeing the movie to begin with; I was just tagging along. So we sat through the movie. Apart from my fever and a ringing in my ear (probably from the loudness), I sat through the movie fine. I had some issues with it, but it was overall okaylah...(in Malaysian terms that would mean 'so-so'). So when we left the cinema and started driving back, I casually asked what they thought of the movie before I start projecting any of my criticisms. My uncle thought that it was rubbish. My aunt had nothing much to say besides saying that (spoiler alert) *a**y shouldn't have died. Well, at this point, I started saying my piece too.

Basically, what I thought of the movie was that it was all botched up like a bad case of 'kereta potong' (think Frankenstein meets salvages of many automobile accidents). Really. I mean, you get this 'kereta potong' out of many different parts and try putting it out for show. A person buys it, and he's cruising down the road; maybe he wants to test the speed on his new wheels and he accelarates abit and then, what do you know? Another mishmash.

Really, it could have been better. They shouldn't have tried to combine too may things into one movie. The character development was crap. There were too many loose ends. In a word, I'd say 'terabur' (all over the place). Throw away those scenes that totally interrupted the flow of the story. If there's one thing I remember from listening -repeatedly- to Joss Whedon's 'Serenity' commentary (yes, I'm Headgeek of Jossdom in Malaysia, so sue me) it is that some scenes just gotta go. It may be beautiful, it may be touching, it may make the audience curl up and die with emotion; but if disturbs the show's flow, it's just gotta go... Hence the so very little scenes of Inara in 'Serenity'.

Okay, okay, back to the point. so that's what I thought of the movie. And my uncle? Well, let me just give you a brief intro about my uncle before I begin. He grew up reading comics. You name it, Spiderman, Superman, Batman, The Flash...whatever else. He used to tell me about them. How he used to have the whole collection (damn, imagine how much they would cost now if he still had them?) because his father used to send them to him from the States. So he's a great comicbook heroes fan. All them Marvel comics used to be his forte. Stories about superheroes who fight evil, fighting the bad guys who were always so ugly we would hate them at first sight. The baddies are almost non-human, and we are never sorry to see them defeated or die. My uncle read all these comic books growing up and so that is what he wanted to see.

(Another spoiler alert!)

Instead, watching it, he was disapointed with how the villain apologized, how the villain turned good again and then died right after that, how the villain was so human that all he wanted was to make his daughter better etc... And my aunty mentioned that she hated that 'that' person died too. So this were the criticisms coming from my aunt and uncle. I can't critic them any, seeing how that is their opinion and that it is different from what they would have read in their younger days.

And that suddenly made me wonder, isn't it nice but painfully naive to still want that in a movie? I mean, don't get my wrong, my uncle and aunt both very much have the cynicism of some who has lived and seen the changing of the times (for the worse) since the last 50 something years. I assure you vehemently that they are anything but naive. And yet, that is what they look for in a movie. Black hats versus white hats, a happy ending... I'm guessing, they're still looking for a fairytale amidst all the world has to offer.

And me? I am almost 22. I may not have seen or experienced much but I know alot. Sometimes I think I am too old for my age. And yet, despite that, I am still naive. Of course, not the type of naive that makes me the kind of girl who'd simper and gasp at the talk of anything inappropriate or sit back and let things happen to me cos I am merely a girl and thus have to wait for a manly man to save me (much in the vein of simpering Buffy in 'Halloween'. Not that I object having some suave fella swooping in at the first sign of danger, mind, but I can hold my own as well if it comes to that). But I know that I am.

But then, what is it that I look for in movies that are meant for entertainent; movie shows that are parodies of our lives, a reprieve from the real world so we can forget for a little while? The answer is: I look for a semblance of life. I want things to be real. It may be a story of a superhero whom of course, is not at all possible; but that doesn't mean it cannot be based on life. I want to see that the hero is perfectly flawed like any other human, that the villains are not just villains but human beings who have reasons for what they do, that good people die bacause not everyone lives happily ever after. I want to see the villain's repentance, see that the hero doesn't always prevail and get the girl, I want to see a good person die doing what he believes in.

So what does that make me? On one side I have my aunt and uncle who are looking for a fairytale on the silver screen, perhaps to fall into a story that is non-sensical as a sedative to the real world. And I, on the other hand, look for more realism even when things happening around me are real enough to touch.

Does that make me jaded? Or does it just goes to show how much the generation has changed? How, as time goes by, we cannot hope to show our children Disney movies and make them believe it? Of course, in the end they would have to learn to accept the world, but the children; we would want to preserve their innocence for as long as possible; shield them from the brutality of the world, so we can watch them play carefree without them having age lines from so much worry. we would want them to have their childhood.

And there I go veering off into another vein.

And here I am back.

So is it just me? Or are we all doomed to weariness long before our time?

I hope it's just me. Because, well, awareness and being well informed is all well and good, but sometimes I wish we didn't have to grow up so fast.

"We grew up way too fast, now there's nothing to believe" -'Name' by the Goo Goo Dolls.

I miss the days when we would pretend that we were superheroes and I'd tie a towel around my neck to make a cape trail behind me so that I could be Supergirl. Or how I used to believe I was a Ninja Turtle and I had the whole outfit (Donatello by the way. Always liked the smart ones). I
miss the days when we believed in fairytales.

So, we see things differently. Fairytale versus Realism. Who would win? I am hoping neither; because to tell you the truth, I am a great fan of the grey area.

Oh, how Joss has addled my brain so.

Hmmm, I guess one thing is for certain, my uncle and aunt could never watch Buffy or Angel or Firefly/Serenity with me. Grr arrgh.

Love, Lin~

Grr Arrgh.

No better phrase can possibly hope to sum up the condition of my mind than those two words up there. Well, that is, if you can consider them to be words at all. They are better described as non-words that can either be a verb a noun and even an adjective. Ain't that neat?

I've been rather irritable for the past few, and I'm not altogether comfortable with that fact. That would usually mean several odd hours pondering on whether or not I've hurt anybody in the process; and that would be coupled with the feeling of guilt if I did.

Feeling this way would also bring about a short fuse, me mumbling and ranting to myself, piercing glares, a litany of curses under my breath, among other things. But I'm all chipper otherwise, just don't purposely put out your leg when I'm walking by, then we're five by five.

Heh, I don't really know what the cause for this sudden bout of irritation is. Honestly, everything is all fine and dandy in this space I call my own. Unless....well, that might just be it. But still, even then I hardly am irritable like I am now.

Ah, maybe it's just cos I'm tired. Although, I wasn't tired when I got all pissed about my work being rejected. I was well rested then, but I still felt like taking a flametorch and cindering all trace of paper. Recycling be damned. That would have been a mighty fine ironic end to that piece of rejected work; seeing how it was about pollution. And that is just the beginning of my irritation.

Thinking about it now, this feeling might have come from two little incidents which would have been considered a nothing to someone else's ears; but it was like sticking a hot poker into my ear and into my brain to me. Words like that is an insult to me and mine and it makes me feel less than I am. It is annoying indeed especially since it comes from the mouth of a person who does not know and only wants to believe what he/she believes, even if the evidence is sitting there glaringly.

Well, that solves it. I know where the annoyance came from. And here I was being absolutely sombre with no knowledge why and only now finding out the reason that was no more than 3 or 4 days ago... Oh well, I do always say that my mind is Dory-like at its worst.

Having that out of my mind, at last I can get myself a restful mind whilst I try to catch some Zs. Had a good old crack at my brain earlier to get myself to write a new narration for Fairuz's advert and my nap was rather fitful earlier; so it's best I close shop for the night.... Although, with my mind being somewhat overworked, that would probably lead to some very odd dreams tonight... I'd better gear myself for some reality testing. Maybe I'd achieve lucidity tonight, eh Alfred?

So, anyway, that's all for now. My mind's somewhat clearer now so I'm carpe diem-ing the time to do some things that does not need my irritable bias-ness. And by the way, just cos I figured this all out doesn't mean I'd be whistling a jaunty tune up and down the hallways. Bottom line is, don't rain on my parade, and my vice would pretty much be versa.

Love, Lin~

DISCLAIMER: I obviously do not own Mutant Academy. If I did, I would think that the Grr Arrgh Monster would sound a bit more feminine. NO copywright infringement is intended. "Grr Arrgh" remains to be that of the EVIL GENIUS, JOSS WHEDON.

Once before I would have been happy with anything I put on paper. The mere task of setting the thoughts in my head in concrete writing was a cause enough for relief. A paragraph would have sufficed, whether or not it was of any substance did not matter.

But after a while, I began thinking them very shallow. I felt rather ashamed of myself for not being able to think up something more substantial than just a few lines that left much to be desired.

Eversince thinking that, I've allowed myself to put in every emotion that I can possibly spare another person to read into writing. Of course, the more personal ones are kept close and private, although I think that the ones that I do let flow are already personal on many levels. I'd write in as much detail as I can muster, and I have to say I no longer have qualms doing so.

Thinking about it now, I realize that the reason why the posts I have posted way at the beginning of my blogging days were so short was because of fear. I've always held back my feelings, too afraid to let loose with the emotions for fear of being seen weak. Those entries were pretentious; too on-the-surface to carry muh weight (now how can it when it was floating above water? Heh...). I felt naked being scrutinized, even if no-one read what I had to say...but the fact is that it was a public domain, and anyone is free to come and go and read what they want.
But now that I have managed to get past all that, I write freely without having that fear at the back of my mind that people would actually see me. Now I can fully enjoy the freedom, no longer feeling that feeling I felt way about 4 years ago.

If then I felt afraid to be laid bare, now I don't mind it. I may still be secretive about my true emotions, I may still feign nonchalance even when I'm trembling inside, I may be placid even when I am spiralling whirpool; but I find solace in the words I let myself write.

I admit, in person, it is hard for me to convey all that I want said. I find it hard to show emotion and feeling when I am in view of other eyes. But in words, I find myself easily, it all comes naturally. I am able to let forth the things I feel that I would normally hold back, I can say things I wouldn't have said in your presence. In words , I can freely let the feelings take the form I want them to without worrying about being under one's critical eye. And even if you judge me as your eyes take in line after line, at least I am no there to see your expression, to see how you react.

From this online journal thing, I have found myself my medium of expression. Sure, that's what it is to everyone else who blogs, but for me, I have really found my medium of expression. If not, I'd be trapped in my lies of not showing how I truly feel. Of course, I do have my own personal journal that holds my more intimate thoughts, but it is here where I feel a sort of freedom for I am able to let say what I held back and feel like I have actually said it to the people I aim it to for this is not a private space where only I can see. So you see, I can tell myself I have let it all out to others because there'll probably be someone reading this.

And so, I write. I write as long winded as this and don't care. The thing is, I write so the public can read what I have pent up, but they are still mine. They belong to me, so it doesn't mean just because I say what I want to say, you can play around with my words and shove it back in my face as though they were yours. There are some specific people who do this alot to me and I have a fiery hatred towards this trait of theirs. I know we have the freedom of speech, but these are my personal thoughts and feelings; you can't come to me and be rude and act as though it is yours and you can do whatever you want with it. Go get your own. If you know who you are, good; now please shut up, you have no right to take what is mine. If you don't know who you are and think that ou might be one of these people, you probably are because you do it all the time. If you have doubts, you ask me..that is, if I even bother to answer.

Bottom line is this, I worry myself so much with writing things in the most possible detail I can muster, sometimes I find myself stuck. In my drive to have everything written down in the stylings of mine, I confine myself from writing freely, allowing myself to write if and only when I can write long and thorough; and this hinders me.

So, it is only in times like these that I find myself frantically tapping my fingers on my laptop, giving words to the things I have in my mind. On other days, I'd be worrying myself over my not-writing and trying to get myself to think of elaborate ways to put my thoughts in; otherwise, I would not even post a single line.... Which has left this journal quite bare.

Oh well.... Let's hope some part of my mind would start-up and get more things down. If there is one thing that frightens me, is the thought of not bing able to give voice to all of my thoughts.

Anyway. breaking away from that vein, I have to say that I was a little miffed yesterday. You see, an assignment I had last week required me to write a comment on a passage. And so I read it and commented and when I got the paper back, the lecturer wrote that my paper is unaceptable. Honestly, this is the first time ever I've gotten something like this and it rather made me feel so stupid and puny. I was gonna see her after class and ask her what I did wrong, but I was a bit too angry to risk talking to her. I'm not really angry at her, but more of angry because I'm not clear of what is unacceptable. I know, I know, I should have asked if that is why I was mad. But I was in too huffy to do so. Really, I would have understood if it was not up to her standards or if it was not entirely what she wanted. At least, in some way it was ok and there's just part of it that was not up to scratch; but this was the whole effing paper! Okay, okay, I'm cooling down. I know it happens, but I never thought it'd happen to an assigment that, in my opinion, 'kacang'.

So yeah, that is me with the writing bit. Yeah, I know I'm longwinded (I already know it, you don't have to tell me. Look after your own hem) and I could go on... But I'll stop here for now so I can catch some air and you can digest it all.... So, bye.

Love, Lin~

I keep trying to justify the large gaps between one entry and another; but everytime I do so, I risk sounding like a bloody broken record. So I'm not gonna bore you with my usual opening lines (or paragraphs, mind you). Let's just jump straight to the non-existence of substantial things to say.

So, yeah, honestly speaking, there are not a whole lot of exciting things that can grace this space. same old, same old. But hey, this is my space and I can say bloody well what I want; so don't go complaining. I writ for my satisfaction and no more.

Last semester ended with not much of a bang. Or, you cold be if you define it to be a total lack of sanity. Due to the obliviousness and insensitivity of many parties, I foud myself more than simply just begging for a holiday. On a normal day, the prospect of a holiday meant wishing I was on my feet, occupying my abundance of time doing something. But that time around, a holiday was a welcome reprieve.

I had 3 weeks of holidays. And damn, I made every day count. I missed my family a whole lot. It's hard having to see my family only once a month or so. I know others don't even have that luxury; but e all have our definition of missage; and this is mine. The 3 weeks I had I spent having long conversations with my mother, who is hands down my best friend in the world. It's nice to see my father whom despite his lack of conversation, gives so much affection. And my siblings, well, miraculously, we hardly fought. All my frustration and temper I kept under wraps. I was determined to enjoy my holiday.

But the weeks came and went, and the next thing I knew I was on a train back to KL. As fun as it is thinking of a brand new semester, I wanted more time with my family. The thought of leaving them for another month or more made my heart ache so. But no amount of wishing could bring me more weeks to spend with them... So, I found myself in KL sentral on the 22nd of April, armed and ready for yet another semester.

Starting the semester, well, nothing new to me now. I'm halfway through my third year, so this is fairly a rountine. I got a new room, which is now on the second floor, or rather, the ground floor. I share a room with Aaina, Zaza (my old roomie from PJ days) and a new roomie who is a Law student (I don't know her so I hope we get along great). The room is pretty nice. It's clean and well taken care of, so when I moved in, all that was needed to be done was just to sweep the floor and to scrub the walls clean. And now it already has the home-y feeling of comfort.
Subjects I'm taking? Well, I'm taking 'Linguistics Approach to Literature' as well as 'Tilawah 2'. I was planning on taking Arabic but chickened out at the last minute. Aaina and I thought we should probablt take it with a whole bunch of friends so it would be easier for us to study. So I have only those two subjects.

Now it's only 2 weeks into the semester but we've hardly had any classes due to the lots of holidays (occasions and public holidays). But hey, no complaints here. Although, even with the extra holidays, it's not like I can go to Kedah... But then, I get to go back to Shah Alam and that is quite good enough. I get to spend time with my aunt and uncle as well as my friends.
Speaking of, I managed to spend some time with my friends whom I miss very much; Hamzah in particular. See, Fairuz has this final assignment whereby she has to create an advert on mobile TV. After spending the whole night discussing the layout and the script of the advert, we had a shoothing done over the weekend. It was fun, just driving around Shah Alam and going to various spots to shoot the advert. I had to play the part of a heartbroken girl who is trying to let go. And I, well, I have no talent whatsoever in the acting biz. I've done here and there some scripts and stuff, but that is the extent of my abilities in that department. Acting, I don't think I can pull it off. I think I rather looked like a typical 'jiwang karat' girl walking about in the bushes clutching a box full of memories... I threw away a heart in the river and looked sooo 'jiwang'.

Urgh...Well, lets see. the outcome. But the best part is having the chance to spend time with some good friends. There was Fairuz and Iylia, and not to forget Hamzah. I haven't seen Hamzah for over a year and I missed him very much. And eventhough the weekend was more of a work thing, it was just nice to be in the company of people who make me feel so safe and happy. Thanks guys. Love you lots.

And so, that has been my life in the past month. I know, not much to go on about but it was good for me all the same. I'm not so much on the going wild bit, so no matter how tame I spent my time having fun, it's good all the same, and I couldn't ask for more.

Well, I guess that's all I could conjure up for the moment. I hope to get more posts up. I'm feeling rather full and need to unload a bit. Will do so as soon as I get them into writing. So this is all for now. Bye then!

Love, Lin~

I think I turned so many shades of crazy last week that beginning is just so difficult... Where do I find the words?

well, to be honest, I never had much of a problem with crazy. It's always there, a constant in my head. What am I, if not a little crazy? Heh, I've heard people tell me that I am over and over again, so there's not much to hide anymore. I've left normal long ago, crazy is definitely the way to go. What with my theories about lecturers taking over the world with frogs as their pawn?

But last week, well, crazy took up many different forms. Well, I'm not surprised. As a Language and Literature student, I know that there are always more than one way to look at things. If you can see things in only one dimension, it means your mind is not open enough...Or so my crazy mind thinks.

There are so many levels of crazy, and it's quite possible to say that each one of them visited themselves upon me last week. Now, I'm always so hospitable, so I welcome all for tea and crackers whenever they come a-knocking. And the crazies? Yeah, them too.

I guess I cannot really turn them away. A little time out of my mind is a reprieve like you can't imagine. Not having to have your thoughts swirl around the same vicinity of things like 'How am I gonna finish that paper tonight?' or 'will I study Sociolinguistics in time?' or 'I don't get Research Methodology just one bit', is such sweet respite.

But then again, crazy has more than one way in making themselves known. And not all of them brought about the jollies in me. Nah, some of them were the kind that drove Spike bug-shagging crazy in the basement of Sunnydale High V.2. You know, the kind that would make you so crazy that you'd offer yourself up to burn, very much like Spike's smoking Jesus pose... (nooooo, not Jesus cereal, you guys. And no, you can't use the Judgment Day card)

So, yeah, there are many types of crazy. And while I like the thought of being crazy (of course, not Tanjung Rambutan crazy), I'm not a fan of the ones that just make you wanna hit your head repeatedly against the wall so you'll be forced to get your mind back in place again. Although, come to think of it, doing that will only serve to rattle my brain out of order to another shade of madness. Oh well.

Last week was just mad. But let me tell you, despite the mental suffering of it all; it was a pleasant albeit a painfully pleasant week.

Monday was all pick'n'mix if you ask me. A whole jumble of emotions. I woke up early to meet up with FidZy regarding the Sociolinguistics presentation. There was some confusion about it, but we decided to go ahead anyways. However, we couldn't as other presenters just took bloody forever. But I guess it was kinda of a relief. I mean, at least that gave us a little extra time. Methods of Da'wah was the usual...we got our midterms paper back. I did good...and that's such a relief. From here on end, I know I'd be fine doing that paper. Usul Fiqh was the same as well. We had a replacement class that night though. Aaina and I got back to the room, I rested a bit and later we got ready to go for the replacement class at 8.30pm. After the class we had a major craving for ice-cream and we picked out a childhood favourite: Paddlepop Rainbow. It tasted so good...brings back a whole lot of memories. We even got others to crave it as well... heh, we were walking adverts. watched abit of Lina's class' Romeo and Juliet rehearsal. Later, our Methods of Da'wah groupmates came over to give us their part of the assignment. Had a bit of a gossip session.

Tuesday....Hmmmm....not much honestly. I guess this is the one day that actually did not have me go all crazy and out of my mind. In fact, I was blessed with so many hours of blissful sleep... I suppose I should have taken that as a sign that I should get as much sleep as I could on that day. Because for the rest of the week, I barely slept a wink. Oh, I did meet up with FidZy, though; and we discussed our presentation that was to be the next day. But other than that, I was in my room the whole day enjoying the day off.

Oooh...Wednesday.

Where do I begin? I have to say that this is the day that started the onslaught of craziness throughout the week.... It was mad, man. It started with Sociolinguistics. We finally did our prsentation, FidZy and I. What was weird was the fact that the lecturer actually thought that it was well-prepared. I was on the edge and ready to kill anyone who got in my way and he actually thought we were well prepared? Well, in the wise words of Captain Mal Reynolds and Oz, "Huh".

Hmmmm, then came Methods of Da'wah. It was our last class. She had a bit of a lecture, just some things before we left. Then she told us that the semester has been great and she had fun teaching us... I think I was a bit teary thinking it was the end of the sem. Despite actually getting kicked out of the class that one time, I love her class. It's just one of the classes that relied more on opinion rather than hard-facts.

The same was with Usul al-Fiqh. Ustaz Maszlee was a bit teary eyed himself. I really have to say it has been a really inspiring semester with him as a lecturer. He really changed my perspective on religious lecturers... He's a man to be respected. He genuinely sees the bigger picture of religion, and that is something hardly anyone has.

classes finished early due to the fact that it was the last day. So everything was just some parting words and stuff. So Aaina and I had a lot of time to get ready for the big event of the day. We got back to the room and I had a short snooze. I was dead tired and needed a bit of R'n'R. Woke up and started getting ready. I forgot that the thing was this week so I forgot to bring any nice bajus. Ended wearing this simple blue top. When we were ready, we headed down. We were early so we thought we'd catch a bus instead of a cab. But of all days, luck wasn't on my side. I got stopped by a security guard who said my top was too see through. He told me to go up and change. I went to the building, hid for awhile, decided to take a jacket thing to wear on top and crept back down. Thank God the guard wasn't there anymore. We were already a bit late and it was starting to rain. We ended up having to take a cab. We got to the LRT station to the LRT to KL Sentral. But I guess luck decided to let us play our own game this time around.

We couldn't get a damn komuter... it was full and it was delayed. So after quite a while hanging about KL Sentral, we decided to catch a cab. We bought the cab coupons, only to find out that the line for te cab was long....damn. However, we eventually got ourselves a cab a arrived in Midvalley at the time we were supposed to meet up... So I guess we weren't so late after all. And we were the only ones.... The rest were not there yet.

We met up with Julia and Zeph first. God, babes, I miss you guys so much. It's been way too long. Zeph was a bit of a surprise, cos she didn't confirm her attendance. But it was soo good to see the both of them. These two were the two (very Willow of me) whom I've not seen for quite some years. We headed down to Kenny Rogers to wait for the rest. FidZy and Tasha came next, then sarah, and lastly, Anis and Liyana. Oh, and not to forget Matt. Anis couldn't stay though. But it was nice to be together, the eight of us for the first time in more than 3 years. It brought back so much nostalgia. can't believe that's how much we've aged throughout the years. Anis and Matt left, leaving the seven of us, eight including Tasha. We were so crazy there in Kenny Rogers. So crazy that every now and then, God I am the Responsoble One aren't I?; I had to remind everyone that it was a family restaurant. Talking about things like umm...well, lets just say things like that are confined to the well, nevermind. But I guess people around us caught the vibe and there was actually avoided us like the plague. There was no one sitting around us, everyone was sitting in seats several feet away.

Zeph paid for the food. THANKS FOR DINNER BABE! And we went looking about for another place we could sit and hangout. We decided on Secret Recipe. Sat there, fooled about, took pictures and basically just caught up with one another. It was nice, just sitting together like old times. I know it's no Lepak Place, but it was cool nonetheless.

Too bad we had this meeting at night. We couldn't stay long cos we had a curfew and had to get back to campus before we get locked out. Getting locked out is not so bad...but Aaina and I had to finish up a major assignment and we could not afford to just sit around and not do anything. Especially since our laptops were in the room.

So after our goodbyes (I was so sad, it's not often we meet and when we do, it's always so brief), we headed back. FidZy volunteered to send us back, but we managed to get held up by some traffic, missed a turning and I was just at the edge of my seat. Stress and anxiety gets me testy, I guess I snapped a little too often. HOwever, we got there right on time, exactly at 12am and thankfully didn't get into any trouble. Thanks FidZy, and I am sorry for getting abit testy and I do hope you didn't get into any serious trouble for being late.

So, when we got back, hearts all a-thundering, I was high on adrenaline. There was no way I could sleep after all that. Plus, the coffee I had before that made me a bit jittery. So I decided to take however long it takes to finish my assignment. I was awake all night, working on that paper entitled "Da'wah by means of the Internet: A study on Concept, Methods, Reliability and Effectiveness". Besides, it was due the next day. So....I did not sleep all night, save for the hour I had before I had to get up for Research Methodology.

So, that brings us to Thursday...

I couldn't get up. I was groggy. Bone tired. Brain tired. Physically tired. I just couldn't get myself to move. Even my brain was a bit slow on the uptake. I was officially spiraling into madness. The night before was circumstancial madness, but this, well, this was craziness nothing can stop.

I couldn't go to class. Unless I wanted to tumble down the Nusaibah stairs like a domino, I could. I was just not fit to walk. so I told Aaina to not expect me. I sat in the room and finished up whatever I can of the assignment before my brain lapsed again. Then Idzaid called to check if I was free. He was leaving for Germany that night. We agreed to meet in Gombak at 12pm, so I had to get moving. GOt ready and stuff, with my head simply swimming and mind just gone. The bus decided to NOT make an appearance that day so I had to catch a cab.

I got there in one piece. And without murdering anyone! That's progress! Mwt Idzaid and decided to skop our usual McDees and head to Secret Recipe. Sat down and decided on 'Mango Delight'. It's this cake with creamy mango-ey goodness. We finished that and decided that we wanted another cake. So we got a brownie with ice-cream and chocolate sauce. I have to say that was perfection. It was a beauty. It looked so good. But we dug into it anyway. Aah, it was nice to have a little respite amidst the craziness of the week. Eventhough I was still high on crazy and was not completely right in the head. Sorry you had to see that, Idzaid. Don't worry, it doesn't happen often. That knida crazy only makes its appearance every now and then.

Idzaid's friends joined us a little later and we hung out abit. It was great, meeting nice new people. I really haven't had the time to go out, so it was just so good to be out and about, thinking of things other than work....although the assignment was constantly at the back of my mind.

I was having fun, but work was not leaving me alone. I had to make several frantic calls all through the outing (sorry again for that), discussing what time to meet up and what not. However, it started raining heavily and there was no way I could get out of the rain and get back to UIA. So I called Aaina and we decided to take a chance and send it in the next day. A message to Mdm Megawati assured us that it was alright. So I stayed on with Idzaid and his friends and waited the rain out.

By the time I left Gombak, I was very tired and it was quite late. I got back to campus, met up with FidZy and was just brain tired. I guess it was obvious to everyone looking. I was walking like a zombie and spouting nonsense. Even started speaking Kelantanese when Raqib and FidZy was sending me to Nusaibah. When I got there, I was given firm instructions by FidZy and Raqib to sleep and get enough rest. I straightaway conked out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

What a great snooze that was. But with my assignments on my mind, I couldn't sleep that long. The next thing I know I was up again and on the paper again. I was just so determined to finish it and see the end result. Got a call from Idzaid who was from KLIA, again reminding me to get enough rest.. I guess I really was all crazy that day; cos everyone had that concerned look on their faces and concerned tone of voice.

Friday...

I woke up a little later than I wanted to; but it was early nonetheless. Put in some fianl touches to the paper. With Aaina's part of te paper combined, we had a total of 50 pages! Phew, wow, no wonder we were going all mad. look at the number of pages we wrote... And the lecturer, I think was only expecting about 20 or so. We printed it, submitted it and was so damned relieved!!!!!! It's done. Omigod, it's FINISHED!!!!!

I met up with FidZy, went up to my room to pack up my stuff, then left with FidZy to KL Sentral. There we discussed our paper on Sociolinguistics (yes, another paper). We were gonna submit it on Monday and we don't care if it was overdue. Had lunch there and talked some. Probably scared a few people away with our topic of choice.

Then I left for Shah Alam. Ooooh....sweet heaven, I was going back home at last.

But craziness never stops. can't stop the signal. It's always there in my brain. I was down with fever the second I reached home. My temparature was high and I had a killer headache.

But I managed to pull myself together to watch 'Bridge to Terabithia' and then later 'Pan's Labyrinth'. Both were just so sad. I guess I was super emotional due to the assorted chaos of the week, that i was extra sob-by when I watched those movies. But all is well and good now.

So, you see, craziness is just inherent to me. Sometimes I may not be the one to evoke it, but it comes to me all the same. And I somehow welcome it. It's part of my life. It drives me crazy (heh), well, ok, it drives me off my rocker, but I love it all the same.

So, there goes my crazy week. I would have been more specific on the happenings of the week, but I just got so tired of typing. So, that's all for now.

Love, Lin~

This should have been said on the 10th of March.

Well, I know it's belated, what, with this being three days late and all.... But at least I remembered. It was just that it is only now that I've gotten a chance to get online, so it's only now that I can post this... So, anyways:

HAPPY 10th ANNIVERSARY

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE

SLAYER!

Thanks Joss and crew for the lovely memories... the smiles and the tears... Thank you for creating and sharing such beutiful characters whose life and deaths have been the source of inspiration to so many of my thoughts and ideas. Thanks even for giving me the opportunity to get to know so many people around the world who shares the same love. Thanks for the wonderful decade.

JOSS IS BOSS!

It's possible that--well, that we'd be forever locked in this vacuum where we'd never progress, nor ever find out what lies in these paths that we *might* have if we break out from this. We'd have to be the humans we are supposed to be, and fall to our knees, careful to not break as we hit reality.

It's nice to know that we aren't always lifeless like we make ourselves to be. Too many times I've realized that I've let myself become an automaton, safe and predictable. But in such welcoming reprieve, I am comforted, I am brought to peace. I find that a lock has been undone, and for a little while, something is able to stretch the legs of its long dormant wilderness and run free. I think its beautiful.

It is times like these....it gives you freedom of time in its vacuum. Allowing my mind to visit dusty yesterdays and see how they've been, though my presence isn't always welcome. I gain a little something here, lose part of me a little there... Sometimes I like burying my head in the past, and let my mind swim with memories, sweet smelling, almost like home. I love how your sense of smell can bring you back to a certain part of your life and plays a clip of it in your mind, finger pressed on fastforward. Waking up from it is both painful and sweet...it reminds you of things you no longer have as well as that you've come this far.

We live in the now, so deceitful yet so forceful in its truth. Sometimes I cannot see the blurry lines that I walk upon, wondering where it begins and where it stops. I suppose I cannot really see when I am standing on it, my footsteps marring them with each step I take.

We'd find it. Damn, I know I'd find it. It's just that, now, I am afraid of where I'll find it.

Love, Lin~