Sup3rnality

Contrary to what I thought, the CC is full to the very brim. I thought everybody would be watching that stupid Pontianak movie. If they knew how stupid it is they wouldn't bother watching it. Believe me, it as really stupid. I watched it and wasted my cash. So I should know. And of course, being the stupid CC that it is, about a dozen of the computers is out of order. And of all coms to get, I got the one facing the doorway where everyone is standing waiting for their turn. And yes, they have free reign to read what I have to say here, which I hate. I hate people reading my blog entries I am typing over my shoulder. I start feeling conscious. So, I appreciate it *if* anyone is reading over my shoulder to please stop now. It makes all my ideas run out.

I've been lethargic the whole bloody day. I woke up at 11am feeling like I was about to collapse in a heap at the bottom of my bed. I dunno why. Probably it was due to staying up late watching that movie last night. But then again this is not the first time I slept late. So what was it that made me, no, scratch that, that is still making me feel like this. I feel nauseous and dizzy and constantly sleepy. I came here in hopes to give me a jolt, I guess it didn't work. Cos I'm still tempted to just go up again and crash into bed. I have taken like loads of Panadols and yet I'm still here.

Of all topics for me to write a paper on for my Basic Themes of the Al-Quran subject is Takaful. I mean, others got good topics like Men's Responsiblities and Earth, Knowledge and such. And I am stuck with a topic that is so limited and hard to elaborate on. I'm researching it right now while writing this at the same time. Believe me, it's such a boring topic. I just can't imagine myself writing this paper. Ugh, of all the bad luck.

Oh yeah, the story I was telling you about in the last entry My Life Without Me? Well, I'm telling you, if you wanna watch a deeply moving story, that would be it. The movie was 2 hours and that was the amount of time I cried. And that's saying something. It's just so hard for me to cry. And the last time I did so would be ages ago. And there I was last night, in front of the computer at 3am while everyone was sleeping soundly, watching that movie and crying my heart out with a box of tissues set right in front of me.

The story is about a young mother of two young daughters who just found out that she had 2 months to live. Upon that knowledge she decided to not tell her husband, family or friends. And so she started making a list of things to do before she dies. One of it is to record letters to both her daughters for every birthday until they're 18. Listening to her recording herself just made me crumble. Really, I was forced to cry without control. Hmmm...I woke up with swollen eyes today. Probably a bit much crying don't you think?

Anyways, my head's in a whirl and honestly I can’t think straight. I've been like a zombie today. My parents came over to say Hi today and I looked like I got hit by a truck or something of that sort. Hehe...and Fizzy was there to conspire against me with my mom. Now my mom is so totally gonna tease me about this dude named Alif. And I don't even like or know that dude totally. Well, whatever...

You know what? It's 10pm and I'm hungry. Probably I'll grab a snack before I go back to my room nanti. My tummy's rumbling like totally. And don't worry, I'm not gonna eat Maggi ;-p

So yeah, I think I better go. My back's hurting and I wanna get some food and have a shower. So til then, nite!

I witnessed a massacre. There was a murder right in front of our very eyes and no one flinched. No one even winced in pain. Save for me. I watched King Arthur and I watched a legend die along with it.

Yes, I did go watch King Arthur even though I said in another entry that I wouldn’t think of giving up my $9 to the people who committed murder. Well, it wasn’t my money. It was my Uncle’s. You see, when I was at my Uncle and Aunt’s last weekend, they said they wanted to have a movie marathon: Spidey and Arthur back to back. So I said ok.

Spidey was ok I guess. I always had a thing against Tobey Maguire, so I never got around watching the first but I basically knew what it was about. But yeah, it was all right. And right after that, we caught a midnight Arthur. And that was when tragedy struck.

The second the movie started, I was already criticizing it. I couldn’t help it. Mind you, I didn’t say it out loud. Of course I’m not one of those kind of people who talks loudly in the cinemas and spoil it for everyone else. Like the family who sat behind me during Spidey… Anyways, so, like I said, it was a disaster.

How can they say that they made the movie based on new archaeological findings? Honestly, they never even found proof that the knights of the Round Table existed. It’s all based on myth if not legend. As for me, myth or legend; I don’t care. I’ve always liked the Arthurian legend/myth.

First of all, Lancelot only came into the picture long after Lady Guinevere and Arthur got married. And why the heck did they make him into such a playboy? Nevermind the fact that he did manage to seduce Guinevere, he was reluctant because he was loyal to Arthur but he just can’t himself from falling for Guin. But in the movie, they did show a bit of a chemistry between them but never did elaborate. So for a person with no Arthurian background, it’ll all mean nothing.

How do I know all this you ask? How am I sure? Well, growing up with books and encyclopedias filled with these stories; it shouldn’t be surprising, should it? All my life, I’ve known the story of Arthur and his knights to be that way. And then you watch the movie that was supposed to be the movie among all Arthur movies; it seems like all that reading just went to Hell.

And it bothered me how they made Guinevere the way she was. She was supposed to be Lady Guinevere. Lady Guinevere! Not Xena, Warrior Princess. And Galahad. God, he’s supposed to be the one helluva good-looking guy and gallant to boot. Oh, and he’s mostly known for his chastity. But nope, they never bothered to make his character seem so. And Sir Gawain for God’s sake! He’s supposed to be Arthur’s nephew. And he’s supposed to be the strongest, but they made Lancelot that way. Sure Lancelot was supposed to be strong, but he was more towards fearless. He didn’t have Gawain’s strength.

Also, I hated how the story wasn’t about the search for the Holy Grail as Arthur was famous for. I wished it was that; for I thought that would shed more light on that quest for it. And the explanation about how Arthur got Excalibur is a bit different from what I read but it wasn’t really bad; so thank God. But the final straw was: WHY THE F*** DID THEY KILL OFF LANCELOT!!! He wasn’t supposed to die yet, goddamnit! He was said to die in a battle after the whole affair with Guin and after Arthur found out about. *Sigh* It really was a murder. I was seething through the entire movie. Why couldn’t they just stick to the said story? Sure they have all the special effects and what not. But that doesn’t mean that they can have free reign to tell the story. The movie behind the legend my boot-clad foot! Bodoh! Damn, if it was up to me… First Knight starring Richard Gere, Sean Connery and Julie Ormond (I think that’s her name) was ok enough. But they concentrated too much on Lancelot and Guin’s affair that Arthur was forgotten.

You know, I could go on and on and tell you about the flaw of the story. It was just so disappointing. I wish someone else comes up with a better movie sometime soon. The legend just has to be justified. And the whole Lancelot and Guin affair just has to be more elaborate. And the political marriage between Arthur and Guin just wasn’t explained enough. Poor Lancelot, they made him die. And damn, they made him so not good-looking too.

Yup, I admit it. I’m a real sucker for stories or tales on starcrossed lovers. Buffy and Angel, Guinevere and Lancelot, Romeo and Juliet, Liz and Max… yeah, all that. And watching King Arthur, besides the fact that it was so off the from the real story; I hated how they didn’t really show the chemistry between Lancelot and Guinevere. Stupid! Now I’ll have to wait another lifetime for someone to come up with a better version.

Speaking of Buffy, I went to Section 14 today. And please note that the scholarship is in. And yes people, I did but the Buffy season 5 DVDs that I have been eyeing for so long. Too bad Amcorp doesn’t sell season 2 and 3 anymore. That’s the one I really really really want. Bodo! But at least I have this one. I can’t wait to get back so I can watch them all. I just realized that it’ll take up almost the whole day if I were to watch them back to back. But so what? I’d be happy to do that. So yeah, just you wait. Spikey Wikey here I come!

Hmm...am watching My Life Without Me and I am so crying my heart out. I haven't had a good cry in ages. I started crying the second the movie started. It's just so...sad. Really, if you ever come across this movie in the shops, buy it and watch it. It's one of those life changing kinda movie.

Apart from that really long complaint on how stupid Arthur was, there really isn’t much that I want to talk about. I just finished the Leadership Training program (aka the Brainwashing Program) today and I’m dead tired. So I think I’ll have a snooze first. Till’ another time, bye.

"Snow Cherries From France"-Tori Amos

I knew a boy who would
Not share his bike
Oh but he let me go sailing
I swore that I
Could survive any storm
Oh then he let me go

"Can you launch rockets from here?"
Boy I've done it for years
Right over my head
And when I promised my hand
He promised me back
Snow Cherries from France
All that summer
We traveled the world
Never leaving his own bck garden
Girls I didn't know
Just what it could be
Oh but he let me go sailing

You question me
"Can you ride anything?"
Lord do you mean like your mood swings
Invaders and Traders with
The best intentions
May convince you to go
"They look like pirates from here"
Boy I've been one for years
Just keeping my head
And when I promised my head
You promised me back
Snow Cherries from France

All that summer
We traveled the world
Never leaving his own bck garden
Girls I didn't know
Just what it could be
Oh but he let me go sailing

And then one day he said
"Girl it's been nice,
Oh but I have to go sailing"
With cinnamon lips
That did not match his eyesOh then he let me go

*9.15am, Com Lab E*

My lower back is hurting like Holy Hell and I'm sitting on this low backed chair that so does not support my back. I'm in Lab E for com class and I am so not listening to the lecturer. Ugh, she wants to stop now. Will update later. She's gonna end the class now. Goodbye for now. Later then!

*8.33pm, ZCCC*

Continuation...

I’ve been finding solace in the stillness of the night. It calms yet also invite lots of thoughts. Sometimes I resent having these thoughts I my head; wanting my head to be unburdened by things I can’t change. But then again, it’s actually the perfect time to ponder on complex thing that I couldn’t possibly get myself to comprehend in the hustle and bustle of the daytime.
I’m back to my broody mood again. When I can find something like the grain of wood interesting. I can search for some kind of meaning to my life by just staring at the ceiling. I’m quiet these days because of that. Honestly I don’t know what I’m searching for really. Perhaps I’m looking for a way out of my confused state of mind. Or maybe I’m just thinking of what all this thinking would lead to. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m just hurting myself for trying to be the tragic hero or something of that sort of my life. Hmmph….

Sometimes I think I’m being to hard on myself for something that isn’t my fault. And maybe that is true. It’s easy to put the blame on myself and come up with theories of where I went wrong rather than contemplate the error of other(s). When the blame rests on me I can easily craft an explanation from my point of view.

Maybe I shouldn’t think. Maybe I shouldn’t psychoanalyze every thing, every word. Not everyone is that detail. Maybe I should just go through the motions and pretend that I am living.

Well, enough on me. I’m getting tired of thinking about myself and how I should haul myself out from this dark dungeon…So, Sarah and me decided to pay Mr. Abdel a visit. It’s been quite some time since we got to sit back and engage ourselves in a conversation with our cool lecturers. And so we did. Mr. Abdel has changed office ever since he demoted himself and so now he shares a room with someone else. We found him on the topmost floor where he was entertaining his son Ahmed who was cute. We talked a bit cos we didn’t wanna stay long. But I don’t know, perhaps it was just I; but Mr. Abdel looked very troubled. As though something was troubling his mind. He had the expression of that of a man whose thoughts was a jumble. I don’t know, perhaps it was just me.

We left Mr. Abdel and went a-looking for Madam Adlina. She wasn’t in unfortunately, so we made a beeline towards Miss Adibah’s new office, now that she is the coordinator, which was formerly known as Mr. Abdel’s office. She wasn’t in either, and so we headed towards the directions of our college. It turns out that Miss Adibah was in the college office signing outing cards. She was hungry so we decided to get something to eat. As bloody usual, ZC had nothing but some leftover crap to offer so we thought AC College might have something better to offer. After we got our food and sat down, Miss Adibah told us that she’s been down lately. She says that her roomie practically chased her out of their shared office. Apparently she asked the movers to just move the stuff and leave it outside, as though she was so happy to be at last rid off Miss Adibah. She didn’t give a damn if Miss Adibah’s stuff got stolen or something. As far as she was concerned, she got rid of Miss Adibah. Like what the F? I just don’t understand this kind of people. And to think you spent a whole lot of time together in that one same office. You’d think the 2 of you would achieve some kind of respect for each other. Bloody backstabber. People like that do not deserve friends. Although I do not know why she was so mean to Miss Adibah, I think it may be due to Miss Adibah’s promotion. If it is, I like to think that it’s no wonder she’s still stuck in that office; it’s cos she’s so unprofessional. People like that, I prefer to just ignore and let them stew on their own. They don’t need to get the satisfaction that they are hurting us. But poor Miss Adibah. She was so depressed that she didn’t eat. She’s such a nice person and yet people hurt her. It’s so unfair. And to make things worse, she hasn’t many friends here to talk to. So she’s stuck being sad on her own. According to her she tried looking for us to talk. Poor her. It’s just so sad that people ca be so mean. I hope that woman gets what she deserves for being so mean. What goes around comes around.

Well, this is where I’ll stop then. Too much ranting makes my head go all crazy. So, thank you. I’ll be here all week (but then again, I’m going back tomorrow so maybe next week then). Adios!

The days have passed by with heavy rain pouring without mercy. But me without many classes to attend to actually make me a victim of these showers can only watch others brave the rain and sit in my gloomy room. But then again it provides comfort. Besides the cool breeziness of the falling rain, it has a calming effect that just makes me relaxed.

Right now I’m in my room in front of the computer writing the blog entry you are currently reading. It’s good to have this computer in the room so I don’t have to go through the trouble of having to type an entry in the café while others look on. I hate it when people look over my shoulder to read what I am writing. Never mind the fact that in the end it’ll be put on show for all to read. Here I can write in comfort with my SpongeBob pajama bottoms and a tank top; no need for tudung or uncomfortable, cramped seats. I only wish there was a phone line to make my life so much easier; no need to go to the stupid CC.

I was reading an article about the making of King Arthur and an interview with Keira Knightley and I just felt so angry. I mean, me being such a fan of Arthurian legends and stuff can’t stand to watch the murder of that legend. Have you seen it or caught a glimpse of it? Look at Guinevere! She’s supposed to be Lady Guinevere, with pristine long dresses and braided hair. Instead, they portray her as someone like Xena, Warrior Princess in all her midriff baring glory and pierced navel to boot. WTF? Even Arthur is so out. He’s supposed to be much older; no, not that old like Sean Connery old like in First Knight , but someone older. Ugh, and worse of all is the guy who plays Sir Lancelot. Lancelot is supposed to be the super suave dude who manages to sweep Guinevere off her feet and yada yada yada…. In his place they get some sinister looking guy who is better off a villain than as the noble Lancelot. Sigh… and to think I was actually looking forward to this movie. They have massacred the entire legend. I thought that this would finally be the ultimate Arthurian movie but instead, they have decided to alter the movie to their own liking. Yup, I’m pissed. I think I’ll just get a bloody pirated VCD and watch it on this computer and not waste my money going to the cinema and let them make money out of it. Bloody Hell….

Well, really, besides me ranting on and on about the stupid King Arthur movie, there’s not much more I want to say. So, I’ll just leave you now with a favourite song of mine about Guinevere and Lancelot by Edwin McCain from their album Honour Among Thieves:

“Guinevere” by Edwin McCain on Honour Among Thieves

After all the corridors are darkened
When the royal crown is off your head
To your chambers I will creep
Not a word we will speak
Just love me while the firelight dances round the bed

Well there is danger in this passion
Because the king can never ever know
And on my blood I’ve sworn my allegiance
So I’ll leave you when the sunlight comes and beckons me to go

And the silver shine is tarnished from my armour
And in battle I am paralyzed with fear
And this poison in my soul is the love we’ll never know
And it finds me playing Lancelot to your Guinevere

Well and Guinevere is sly enough to steal a little taste
And her laughter it peals into the night
Oh but forbidden fruit always stays sticky on your face
And without virtue I’m worthless in a fight

Stealing little glances at the table
I feel that this is theatre in the round
But faraway chasing vixens in the meadow
Your love like wind blows right by and sweeps me off the ground
Your love sweeps me off the ground
Well now it sweeps me off the ground

And the silver shine is tarnished from my armour
And in battle I am paralyzed with fear
And this poison in my soul is the love we’ll never know
And it finds me playing Lancelot to your Guinevere.

Yup, I'm back on the Holy/Hellish Grounds. Yes, finally we have a working yet excruciatingly slow computer in the room where I can watch Once More With Feeling over and over again. Though I have to strain my neck so I can listen cos the earphones' wire is bloody short. And yeah, I have nothing better to do.

I have to hand in an essay today about “Creation vs Evolution” and I don't think it's perfect yet. But I bloody malas wanna go and read it and alter it and come back down here to print. So, I, being the lazy am gonna just hand it in anyways and totally leave it to whatever luck I have. Let's hope he thinks it's good.

*Sigh* For some weird reason I just feel so tired lately. I just sit down and feel my strength and energy get sapped slowly from veins. I don't know how. It's just so weird. It's not like I have classes from 8am to 6pm or anything. I only have 4 hours of class per week and yet I am so bloody lethargic.

Ugh...class in an hour and I haven't eaten. I'm bloody hungry. I'm gonna go grab a bite now. I'll say more when I can think of something. Bye.

It's tiring listening to a broken record. At first it seems ok to listen to the song that very much reflects your own feelings... But after a while, all you want to do is smash the record into pieces. I'm pretty much depressed myself. Even more than what people think; but I don't need to be reminded of my melancholy. I don't need o remember that sadness is there at every turn and every corner.

I pretty much like to take life as it comes and try to be positive about everything. I know it's annoying for some people to have a friend who is too perky or always having faith in everything and everyone. It's just how I live; how I make my life more bearable. Sometimes I hold back my pain so I wouldn't burden other people with unnecessary sadness. That's how I handle most of my pain. And I always look for the best things in people. I try to overlook their shortcomings and dismiss it. It doesn't do me good to put people down too much (unless they really deserve it, of course!). It's not who I am. I like to think that everyone has a reason for doing what they do. Just because it clashes with what I believe in, it doesn't mean I have anything against them. It doesn't mean that I am way superior. Although at times I can't help myself but feel like I'm better; knowing that there are some things that they don't know but I do. But I feel guilty for thinking that. Even guiltier if I say it out loud. It's against my own personal principles and belief.

Everyone is good inherently. There is no room in my heart to hold grudges. I practically love everyone I know or even knew. And those I don't know I try to understand and like. Whether they hate me or love me back; it's their business.

I am a girl with an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I feel guilty about being superior nevermind the fact that I know that sometimes that it is just the cold, hard truth. See? I'm sounding superior again. But you know what? I'm not saying that I look for faults in everyone. Heck, instead I look for the goodness in everyone. I have too much faith in everyone that sometimes I get stepped on like a bug.

Back to what I was saying earlier, it's tiring to listen to things over and over again. I try to shut it out and think that it's just something I have to accept it due to the current circumstances. But it just gets tiring until you can't take it anymore. Nevermind that I try to understand the reason behind these tirades, and yes, I do know why. But I've acknowledged it, I've listened to it, I've tried to stand it; but it's just too much to listen to over and over again. All I can say now that it is a pain in the ass and get over it. There are other people worse off.

I really really really do not need to be reminded that I am feeling sad, what I'm confused about. It only makes me sadder. And there's no room in life to be sad all the time. There must be more time to move on. And I for one am tired of being sad and reminded to be sad.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. This is how I feel and if anyone has a problem with that, well, either just deal with it or go to Hell. I'm tired of being me cos it seems that a lot of people can't accept it. To the person/people that I mean, it's not that I'm condemning your pain, but you know; it doesn't help being bitter and all. Sometimes you just have to shut up and accept it. Especially when there's nothing more that can be done. And again, well, sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh.

Tease me, by holding out your hand
Then leave me, or take me as I am - "Stigmatized" -The Calling