Sup3rnality

Hiya people, I'm at Sarah's house at the moment, blogging as you can see. Just to get here for my whole ''hidden agenda'' thing, I had to go through Hell. My dad can be so paranoid as you all know, and it's so hard to persuade him to let me go somewhere without him trying to dissuade me from going or questioning my intentions. I know that it's not cos he doesn’t trust me, it's just cos he thinks that the world is out to get me. I'm happy to know that he cares about me that much but when the way he puts it can be very hurtful. He can say all kinds of things to make me not go without realizing that what he says is so painful to hear. In the end, I'll feel so guilty going. But sometimes, I just need to go. Plans have been made and they can’t just be undone. I have other people to think of so... I need to go. Besides, I HARDLY go out. Why is it so hard to let me go out once every month? I know the answer to that: my parents love me and just can’t bear to lat me go and they can’t seem to accept the fact that I'm grown up now... But sometimes... I need to get out right? If not I'll go crazy. But whatever my dad said to me today, he made up for it. Surprisingly, he sent me a message after Sarah picked me up. Please note that my dad NEVER sends messages to me and I don't think he sends messages to anyone in fact. But whatever it is, he did today. In the SMS, he told me that he was worried about the whole election thing and there could be a riot and so he is worried for my safety. He's scared that things might happen should I be at the wrong place at the wrong time... And the best thing of all, he told me he loves me. My Dad, he doesn't really express affection in words that much. To my siblings yes, but maybe that's cos they're still young. saying it to me verbally probably feels weird to him cos I'm grown up and... I dunno. But he just doesn't. But in the message, he said so; and even though I know that he loves me, I've never had it in a way so unbelievable yet evident and real for me to read over and over again. Wow....I almost cried just reading it, and crying is something I don’t do often. Well, at least the feeling of guilt has lessened and I feel much better. At least he didn't let me go in anger. So, I'm at Sarah’s house... about to execute my secret and hidden agenda....Wanna know what it is? Well, you gotta wait til tonight.... 9pm dudettes!!!! Hehehehe...til then it is still secret. Hahahahahaha (evil laugh). Love, LinZy

Yup, I'm at Cc right now, waiting for my dad who surprisingly decided to come by early today. So, I might as well do something before I'm taken away to the land of I-don't-know-what-the-hell-a-cc-is aka Seremban. Despite me so not looking forward to going back to Seremban, there are some hidden agendas of mine that I just can't wait to execute this weekend. You guys are asking what they are???? Nope, it wouldn't be called hidden agendas if I tell everyone right? So, I'm just gonna keep it a secret until the time comes. But then again, I always have these weird ideas of stuff I wanna do so I don't suppose anyone is that much surprised of my supposed agendas. Hmm.....oh, I'm also making a list of things I wanna do before I'm 20. I have another 1 3/4 years more to go until I turn 20 so why not do something crazy for a change. I've always been Miss Goody Two Shoes... Fidz suggested driving around and doing some stuff to annoy policemen but then, after the dream about her driving through a building kinda gave me second thoughts about the whole idea (hehehehe....it's not that I don't trust you Fidzy). Sleeping in a grave yard sounds like a good idea though. that'll be on the top of my list. So, anyone with any suggestions at all, please feel free to suggest. Okla, I'm gonna go, wanna check out some other stuff before I leave. Rock on peeps!

Don’t close the door, leave the light on
Tonight, I might be coming home.
Don’t stay up, I might be late
Just make space for me on the bed.
Keep the window open, I might climb in through,
Find my way back to you.
Close your eyes now, I am drawing near,
There is nothing more now left to fear.
Ease your thoughts into a dream,
And in them you might just find me.
And when you wake, the bed empty by your side
You might find out that I have lied.
I’m somewhere outside, I’m still lost,
Hanging on still to your ghost.
Don’t close the door, leave the light on.
Tonight I just might find my way home.

Why in the world I wrote this pon I dunno.

Dated: 17th March 2004

SORRY (11.13pm, 14th March 2004)

I’m not the significant person I thought I am.
I’m nothing more but a pheasant in your royal world.
Too bad I’m nothing more than a pebble in your shoe,
I am the fly buzzing in your face.
I’m not you, I’m not like you.
I am not of royal blood you hold so highly.
I do not deserve to dwell in the space where you breathe.
I’m me, and that’s so wrong.
By your standards that is.
And what I offer is nothing more than the ground you walk upon,
The thrash you throw out after you’re done with them.
I’m so sorry Your Majesty.
Sorry I could not be more what you hoped I'd be,
Did not bother to be what you wanted me to.
Sorry that I don’t wish to share your throne
Sorry that I don’t care.
Why should I even be sorry?
Haven’t you looked into the mirror lately?

25 Ways to Cope With Stress

1.Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once.
2.Use you r MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice versa.
3.Pop some popcorn without the lid on.
4.When someone says “Have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans.
5.Make a list of things to do that you’ve already done.
6.Dance naked in front of your pets.
7.Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send them off to school as if nothing is wrong.
8.Fill out your tax forms using Roman numerals.
9.Tape pictures of your boss (or in our case, lecturers, especially Mr. Stumpy) on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10.Leaf through a “National Geographic” and draw underwear on the natives.
11.Tattoo “Out to Lunch” on your forehead.
12.Go shopping. But everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13.Buy a subscription of “Sleezoid Weekly” and send it to your boss’ wife.
14.Pay your electric bills in pennies.
15.Drive to work in reverse.
16.Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17.Tell your boss/lecturer to “blow it out your mule” and let him/her figure it out.
18.Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg.
19.Polish your car with earwax.
20.Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
21.Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
22.Braid the hair in each nostril.
23.Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24.Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
25.Make up a language and ask people for directions.

I took this from some old newspaper. I hope you guys have fun trying it out. I hope it works!

Wow, the holidays go by so fast, huh? I hardly felt it. The next thing I know is that I’m back on the Holy Grounds. Well, it’s not like I’m complaining much but… I sure would have loved to spend a few more lazy days sleeping in. But being back has its’ fun too. At least I have friends to hang out with here. Rather than staying at home doing absolutely nothing.

Unlike what I expected, I passed all the subjects. Even Arab which I thought I had to repeat again. So right now I’m taking Arab Level 1 Part 2 this short semester. Only one subject for the rest of this 7 week semester I’m taking. And that leaves me with a whole week of free afternoons because my classes are only in the morning. Actually, I contemplated getting myself a job to fill in the extra time I have but I doubt that there’ll be a job for me where I could work until 5 or 6 pm. But hey, I’m not giving up just yet. I will try some more. No harm in trying right? I’m gonna call up a few places when I get to Shah Alam and who knows? I might end up with something.

So, it has been one week back in UIA and surprisingly, it didn’t quite turn out to be that boring 5 days I imagined it would be. Miss Adibah came to my hostel room on Tuesday night to chat. Yup, my tiny Poetry lecturer who is absolutely cool came to hang out and chat. We talked about boyfriends, movies and quite a lot more. Seriously, she can talk a whole lot. I think we talked for more than 2 hours which I was very grateful for. Since Sarah went back home that day, I was bored and didn’t have much to do. So her presence was very much appreciated.

Then, on Thursday I found out an amazing thing. Since again I was gonna be alone in the room, I went to Fidz’s to sleepover. The amazing thing was that I found out that we had a very good friend; no, in fact 2 good friends in common. It turned out that she knows Fahrol (whom I called Alfred) and also Ferman (who was my classmate back in Form 5). What a bloody small world. I never thought that kinda thing could ever occur. Really, I had a bit of trouble digesting that information into my system. It was amazing really. It’s something you never anticipate. Oh, and one more thing that I found out when I went over to Fidz’s was that I discovered that she has a boyfriend at the warong (Fidzy sayang, don’t kill me ok?). This guy wears an orange coloured cap and keeps flirting with her… Fidzy, don’t try to deny it. I know you’re planning a wedding. It’s ok if you wanna break up with me, I won’t hold it against you. Just don’t forget to invite me to your wedding ok? Oh, and there was this female cat that kept jumping into my lap. Fidz said that the cat was attracted to me… Eeew…a cat? Female somemore!

(In agreement to Juliah's entry in conjunction to my entry on March 12)There’s this thing that has been bugging me quite lately; people underestimating me, putting me down and considering me as lower than them. Look, I’m not trying to be superior to anyone but the least you could do is to treat me fairly. I know I look like I don’t seem much. Most people dismiss me as just another face in the crowd. I might be a pushover. I may just be a girl. But hell, don’t think I’m not capable of being strong, of being just as able as anyone else; especially you. It disgusts me when people dismiss my opinions and talk to me in a tone that exudes their supposed power. I HATE people like that. I’m not saying who the person/these people is/are, I’m not gonna go that low. I’m just saying this out cos well, I’m tired of being treated like a fool. These people just love to act superior, as though everything that they say, are connected to or anything they are involved in are superior to anything I have to offer. In the first place, you were the one asking for my opinion, but all I am met with for my piece of mind is your pride. Well sorry to burst your bubble, but you are not all high-and-mighty as you think you are. Stop thinking that the world is all about you and come back down to Earth. I’m tired of keeping quiet. I’m not the just a girl you can pretend not to see. I’m more than that. So, get your fat head out of the clouds for once. It wouldn’t hurt to be human.

Phew, that was a bit much. Well, that will be all for now. I’m tired and just need to stop typing. So goodbye peeps. Oh, by the way Fidz, you’re on about the barcode thing and the other thing. Though I don’t know when. Hmm…I don’t wanna be strip-searched. But hell, let’s try it out anyway. So, KHUDROWAT NARA! And syukran. –LinZy-

To the people who read my blog, understand that these are private thoughts laid bare. It took a lot of guts for me to put up this stuff for I once was a very private person. Don't judge me. These are honest thoughts. My inner feelings. The only place where I can find some minute solace from the world. In cyberspace, communication is anonymous. People don't know you. So bleeding my heart out online really doesn’t matter cos it's safer. No one knows who I am. Maybe some of you do. But then again, the only people who know about this site are people I trust. So, to you people who read this blog, don't overanalyze me. I'm just someone who needs to get things out of my system every once in a while. I may swear, make somewhat lewd jokes or be totally open with my thoughts but... well, if it makes me happy... so be it. I can’t cater to everyone, so think what you will. But this is just me.

Well people, I'm still alive and kicking. yeah, I know you haven't heard from me for quite some time. it's just that Seremban is a place that doesn’t seem to accept technology that much. Most people here still like the conventional way of having sun. That is to say by going to snooker centers and archery clubs. I guess the internet just couldn’t beat shooting balls with sticks (I know hat most of you would be imagining!) or shooting arrows and pretending to be Cupid.

Being here in Seremban for the past month has made me insane in a way I would only know how. It's deep in me, and not something you would see clear on my face. It consumes me very, very slowly and threatens to eat at my mind until one day there won't be any left. i purposely sleep most of the day away. refusing to wake up to the realization of where I am, what the hell I'm doing there in the first place and how i got there. The more i sleep the less I have to wrestle with the pain that eats me up from inside of being far from home. Physically, may have gotten use to this God-forsaken place. But my heart refuses to accept it. My heart's far from home, and it aches to be brought back there. I do not wish to be disrespectful of my parents. I appreciate everything they do for me, everything they do to make me like this place. But I can't, I just can't. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is. I want to be back in the house where I grew up in. Where I can tell the history behind every crack, every noise and basically everything that happens in the house. And most of all, I want to be back in the town/city that I have loved and recognized with my heart and soul.

Well, lets not talk too much of things that kills me. I'm already dead enough. You know what? Ever since the 1 month semester holidays I've been getting these weird dreams. And these dreams scare the Hell out of me because, well, some dreams of mine tend to happen in some ways.... One of the scariest happened on the night Sarah stayed over at mine. It was so scary I swore I was shaking in my sleep. I dreamt that it was the end of the world and the day of judgment had come. I was shaking from the fear for not praying as much as I should and for many other obvious reasons. And that was not the only time I dreamt of that. I dreamt of the same thing just a few weeks before and that spooked me so bad. I also dreamt that my mom died and I could assure you that there was a lot of crying involved and God, I don't want any of that to come true. There are loads more really, but I don't think I want to go into anymore details.

Damn, I've been having loads of stomach cramps lately. My mom told me that it most probably was "wind" or something like that due to the fact that like to sleep naked. Well, not naked naked but well, naked in more ways than one. Sometimes half naked, or partially naked or semi-naked or whatever. Seriously! I mean, ask anyone who has ever slept with me. Ooops, maybe I should rephrase that. What I mean is, whoever who has ever slept in the same room as me. What did you think I mean???? I didn't mean sleep with that person. Sheesh! What? You think that I'm some loose woman or something? I can't believe you people! And please, do not dwell on the visual image I had just supplied you with! That is so not healthy.

I know this is so gonna sound weird, but I really can't wait to get back to UIA. Seriously! Not in the way that I can't wait to stay there and eat the crap they try to pass off as food. But more in the way of how things are so familiar there. How I can sort of read people's minds there and understand their motivations, their thoughts. The way of how it is the closest to home I could ever be. The way how it is easier to communicate with people. Sheesh, it sounds bloody weird, but hey, that's the bloody truth (HEY! I'M STARTING TO USE THE WORD BLOODY AGAIN! YAAAY!). And, I could start going back to PAYLESS again. Believe me, there are NO decent bookshops here in Seremban . When I did enter one the other day, I was chased down by some woman from the LINGUAPHONE company. As if I didn't get enough from that CYRIL guy in UIA. Hahahahaha.... you remember that incident don't you Fidz? Hahaha...

Hmmm.... well, I dunno what else I can say. There are loads on my mind but they are way to abstract to describe on mere pieces of paper, or more like this lighted up screen in cyberspace. It just wouldn't do it any justice. So, this is where I will end the thoughts of one of the craziest of people in here. Good luck to us all BENdit dudettes when we take our results on Monday. Until then , CAYANG YOU ALL!!!!!