Sup3rnality

Wow, the holidays go by so fast, huh? I hardly felt it. The next thing I know is that I’m back on the Holy Grounds. Well, it’s not like I’m complaining much but… I sure would have loved to spend a few more lazy days sleeping in. But being back has its’ fun too. At least I have friends to hang out with here. Rather than staying at home doing absolutely nothing.

Unlike what I expected, I passed all the subjects. Even Arab which I thought I had to repeat again. So right now I’m taking Arab Level 1 Part 2 this short semester. Only one subject for the rest of this 7 week semester I’m taking. And that leaves me with a whole week of free afternoons because my classes are only in the morning. Actually, I contemplated getting myself a job to fill in the extra time I have but I doubt that there’ll be a job for me where I could work until 5 or 6 pm. But hey, I’m not giving up just yet. I will try some more. No harm in trying right? I’m gonna call up a few places when I get to Shah Alam and who knows? I might end up with something.

So, it has been one week back in UIA and surprisingly, it didn’t quite turn out to be that boring 5 days I imagined it would be. Miss Adibah came to my hostel room on Tuesday night to chat. Yup, my tiny Poetry lecturer who is absolutely cool came to hang out and chat. We talked about boyfriends, movies and quite a lot more. Seriously, she can talk a whole lot. I think we talked for more than 2 hours which I was very grateful for. Since Sarah went back home that day, I was bored and didn’t have much to do. So her presence was very much appreciated.

Then, on Thursday I found out an amazing thing. Since again I was gonna be alone in the room, I went to Fidz’s to sleepover. The amazing thing was that I found out that we had a very good friend; no, in fact 2 good friends in common. It turned out that she knows Fahrol (whom I called Alfred) and also Ferman (who was my classmate back in Form 5). What a bloody small world. I never thought that kinda thing could ever occur. Really, I had a bit of trouble digesting that information into my system. It was amazing really. It’s something you never anticipate. Oh, and one more thing that I found out when I went over to Fidz’s was that I discovered that she has a boyfriend at the warong (Fidzy sayang, don’t kill me ok?). This guy wears an orange coloured cap and keeps flirting with her… Fidzy, don’t try to deny it. I know you’re planning a wedding. It’s ok if you wanna break up with me, I won’t hold it against you. Just don’t forget to invite me to your wedding ok? Oh, and there was this female cat that kept jumping into my lap. Fidz said that the cat was attracted to me… Eeew…a cat? Female somemore!

(In agreement to Juliah's entry in conjunction to my entry on March 12)There’s this thing that has been bugging me quite lately; people underestimating me, putting me down and considering me as lower than them. Look, I’m not trying to be superior to anyone but the least you could do is to treat me fairly. I know I look like I don’t seem much. Most people dismiss me as just another face in the crowd. I might be a pushover. I may just be a girl. But hell, don’t think I’m not capable of being strong, of being just as able as anyone else; especially you. It disgusts me when people dismiss my opinions and talk to me in a tone that exudes their supposed power. I HATE people like that. I’m not saying who the person/these people is/are, I’m not gonna go that low. I’m just saying this out cos well, I’m tired of being treated like a fool. These people just love to act superior, as though everything that they say, are connected to or anything they are involved in are superior to anything I have to offer. In the first place, you were the one asking for my opinion, but all I am met with for my piece of mind is your pride. Well sorry to burst your bubble, but you are not all high-and-mighty as you think you are. Stop thinking that the world is all about you and come back down to Earth. I’m tired of keeping quiet. I’m not the just a girl you can pretend not to see. I’m more than that. So, get your fat head out of the clouds for once. It wouldn’t hurt to be human.

Phew, that was a bit much. Well, that will be all for now. I’m tired and just need to stop typing. So goodbye peeps. Oh, by the way Fidz, you’re on about the barcode thing and the other thing. Though I don’t know when. Hmm…I don’t wanna be strip-searched. But hell, let’s try it out anyway. So, KHUDROWAT NARA! And syukran. –LinZy-

To the people who read my blog, understand that these are private thoughts laid bare. It took a lot of guts for me to put up this stuff for I once was a very private person. Don't judge me. These are honest thoughts. My inner feelings. The only place where I can find some minute solace from the world. In cyberspace, communication is anonymous. People don't know you. So bleeding my heart out online really doesn’t matter cos it's safer. No one knows who I am. Maybe some of you do. But then again, the only people who know about this site are people I trust. So, to you people who read this blog, don't overanalyze me. I'm just someone who needs to get things out of my system every once in a while. I may swear, make somewhat lewd jokes or be totally open with my thoughts but... well, if it makes me happy... so be it. I can’t cater to everyone, so think what you will. But this is just me.

Well people, I'm still alive and kicking. yeah, I know you haven't heard from me for quite some time. it's just that Seremban is a place that doesn’t seem to accept technology that much. Most people here still like the conventional way of having sun. That is to say by going to snooker centers and archery clubs. I guess the internet just couldn’t beat shooting balls with sticks (I know hat most of you would be imagining!) or shooting arrows and pretending to be Cupid.

Being here in Seremban for the past month has made me insane in a way I would only know how. It's deep in me, and not something you would see clear on my face. It consumes me very, very slowly and threatens to eat at my mind until one day there won't be any left. i purposely sleep most of the day away. refusing to wake up to the realization of where I am, what the hell I'm doing there in the first place and how i got there. The more i sleep the less I have to wrestle with the pain that eats me up from inside of being far from home. Physically, may have gotten use to this God-forsaken place. But my heart refuses to accept it. My heart's far from home, and it aches to be brought back there. I do not wish to be disrespectful of my parents. I appreciate everything they do for me, everything they do to make me like this place. But I can't, I just can't. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is. I want to be back in the house where I grew up in. Where I can tell the history behind every crack, every noise and basically everything that happens in the house. And most of all, I want to be back in the town/city that I have loved and recognized with my heart and soul.

Well, lets not talk too much of things that kills me. I'm already dead enough. You know what? Ever since the 1 month semester holidays I've been getting these weird dreams. And these dreams scare the Hell out of me because, well, some dreams of mine tend to happen in some ways.... One of the scariest happened on the night Sarah stayed over at mine. It was so scary I swore I was shaking in my sleep. I dreamt that it was the end of the world and the day of judgment had come. I was shaking from the fear for not praying as much as I should and for many other obvious reasons. And that was not the only time I dreamt of that. I dreamt of the same thing just a few weeks before and that spooked me so bad. I also dreamt that my mom died and I could assure you that there was a lot of crying involved and God, I don't want any of that to come true. There are loads more really, but I don't think I want to go into anymore details.

Damn, I've been having loads of stomach cramps lately. My mom told me that it most probably was "wind" or something like that due to the fact that like to sleep naked. Well, not naked naked but well, naked in more ways than one. Sometimes half naked, or partially naked or semi-naked or whatever. Seriously! I mean, ask anyone who has ever slept with me. Ooops, maybe I should rephrase that. What I mean is, whoever who has ever slept in the same room as me. What did you think I mean???? I didn't mean sleep with that person. Sheesh! What? You think that I'm some loose woman or something? I can't believe you people! And please, do not dwell on the visual image I had just supplied you with! That is so not healthy.

I know this is so gonna sound weird, but I really can't wait to get back to UIA. Seriously! Not in the way that I can't wait to stay there and eat the crap they try to pass off as food. But more in the way of how things are so familiar there. How I can sort of read people's minds there and understand their motivations, their thoughts. The way of how it is the closest to home I could ever be. The way how it is easier to communicate with people. Sheesh, it sounds bloody weird, but hey, that's the bloody truth (HEY! I'M STARTING TO USE THE WORD BLOODY AGAIN! YAAAY!). And, I could start going back to PAYLESS again. Believe me, there are NO decent bookshops here in Seremban . When I did enter one the other day, I was chased down by some woman from the LINGUAPHONE company. As if I didn't get enough from that CYRIL guy in UIA. Hahahahaha.... you remember that incident don't you Fidz? Hahaha...

Hmmm.... well, I dunno what else I can say. There are loads on my mind but they are way to abstract to describe on mere pieces of paper, or more like this lighted up screen in cyberspace. It just wouldn't do it any justice. So, this is where I will end the thoughts of one of the craziest of people in here. Good luck to us all BENdit dudettes when we take our results on Monday. Until then , CAYANG YOU ALL!!!!!

Wednesday, 11.45pm, Seremban.

There are just some times when I feel like I want to sleep and not wake up until, well, I don’t know when. Why? Well, the reason would be because the more I sleep the less I have to think. And thinking is so not a good idea right now. Whenever I think, I am pulled into a vortex of pain where I can’t even find my own way out. There I will be stuck in perpetual pain. And the only remedy is sleeping it away.

I can’t even start to describe why I feel like this. Only one thing triggered my thoughts, but with that, came a chain reaction of disturbing thoughts that will build up and threaten to eat up my mind from inside. Whenever I even think, I would end up staring into space and ponder just how in the world things could come to this.

I know that the things I go through are only minor. I’m sure that there are many more unfortunate people who go through worse things than I do, but to me, this is the worse phase I’ve ever went through. I’m not talking about adolescence, but more of like the phases in my life’s chronology. Adolescence to me is something easy that is over-rated. To me it’s not as hard as it seems, it’s just how you look at it and how you live it that makes a difference.

So, back to the topic. My dad, he’s getting more and more paranoid. Me, being the over-protected kid that I am, I am pretty used to it. In fact, I’ve nothing against him in being so bloody wary of my where-abouts. But ever since the day one of my best friends, Hamzah, took me to watch Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, he turned into this doubtful person of my honesty. He got so bloody angry for me going out with a guy without him knowing. It’s just that, to me, Hamzah is just one of my bestest friends, and going out with him is just like going out with the girls and I did not find it necessary to tell him specifically who I was going out with. Even if I told him, he wouldn’t even let me go at all. And since it was just Hamzah, I figured it isn’t anything drastic and so I didn’t really mention who it was. But nooooo…. When he found out, he just has to become paranoid and go think that I’m doing ‘stuff’ with the guy. Oh come bloody on, he has raised me for like what? 18 years? And he still can’t understand me. I’m not some loose slut who’d just go do things with any guy who catches my fancy.

What I’m trying to say that is, ever since then, whenever I mention going out, in his head, he probably is thinking that I’d be out with some guy. Well, even if I was out with some guy, that doesn’t mean we’re groping and such. Damn it! I just can’t understand him! So, when I went to Shah Alam to go lepak with the dudettes today, he start questioning on what the hell I’m doing and such. I was in Shah Alam for only 2 days and he thinks I’m using all my free time doing God-knows-what! For God’s sakes, during the 3 days in Shah Alam, I woke up at 12pm, and since I was alone in the house, after bathing, I walk around semi-naked and have a movie marathon. And me being semi-naked doesn’t even necessarily mean I’m doing ‘things’. I watched Lord of the Rings, Cold Mountain, Secondary Lion, Buffy and so much more. What? He thinks I’m inviting the mailman in or something? And then he calls me up and insists that I come back to Seremban right after I meet up with Sarah and Fidz. And the thing was, we are gonna go to Kelantan on Friday and so we’ll be going to Shah Alam to meet up with my auntie and uncle so that we can push-off together. So wasn’t easier if he just allowed me to stay in Shah Alam til then? Besides, I wanted to meet up with one of my close friends who’ll only be back from MMU on Friday, but my dad just had to have his bloody irrelevant suspicions about me.

I really don’t understand him. He used to be all “the world is a bad, bad place. Don’t trust anyone”, but now, it’s as though he doesn’t trust ME. And that hurts me a lot. I’ve never done anything that might cause him to lose trust in me. Never! Call me a goody-two-shoes but I don’t care. I guess that’s what I am. But, why in the world must he suddenly think that I’m looking for trouble? Do I really look like someone who’d just strut up to a stranger and be suggestive? I really don’t know la that father of mine. But of course, despite all that has been said and done, I still love him. Yeah, we don’t talk that much since he’s very much a reserved person who is so hard to talk to but heck, I love him all the same. And sometimes, he can just be so funny, contradicting how he can be at mostly other times. But of course, what he thinks of me now is so hurtful. I can’t even begin to say how much. And you know what? That’s just the root of my problems. From that one thing about my dad, so many else was prompted. But hey, that’s for another entry altogether.

With all these things going on in my head, I feel like just sleeping life away. It’s not that I want to die. Nope, I still have too much to do before I die. I don’t even pray regularly and so wanting to die is so out of the question. No… I want to sleep and keep on sleeping and wake up to find that I have passed that part of my life. I wanna wake up to a time where I’m older, stable, and have slept the complicated part of my life away. But of course, that is just wishful thinking. If life was that easy, the world would have been in one helluva chaos.

For now, as it is 12.23am, I’ll find solitude in a night’s sleep then. Hopefully tonight’s sleep would drown the thoughts that have been swirling in my mind the whole day today. Who knows what tomorrow would bring? Hasta manana, I’d settle in fighting my current thoughts and forget about the troubles tomorrow has to offer. Tomorrow will be another battle. So, goodnight. Oh, and before I go, speaking of swirling, I remember what a friend of mine, Alfred, just told me over the phone while I was in the train back to Seremban. He told me that he saw Jesus swirling in his cup of coffee. And that just gave me an idea for a poem or song: “I saw Jesus in my cup of coffee” or something to that effect. Hehehehe… I haven’t written anything for so long and that phrase just gave me some inspiration (although what I usually intend to write doesn’t usually come out as planned). Cheers mate! Thanks! So, well, goodnight, goodnight. A thousand times goodnight!

Love, LinZy

You dudettes know where I bloody am? I’m in Kelantan in a CC with a bunch of dumb kids who has no respect for other people. They are screaming their heads off thinking they are king and peeking into whatever the Hell you are doing. They are so bloody, freaking stupid. But hey, what can you expect from a bunch of kids? screw all of them!!!!! makes the ZC CC waaaaay cooler by far! but well, I don’t have the luxury to choose I guess. this is the only CC I can get to ever since the holidays. So, appreciate what I can do for now. Bloody Hell! I just wish I could give all of these guys a sound scolding. But what the hey1 I can always just slap them on their heads. they make look tough, but I think they are only about like what? Form 2? So, DAMN ALL OF THEM!!!!!

Semester Close, Sunday 08022004. Seremban

Yup, another semester has passed. Time sure moves fast, huh? I can’t believe that it has already been like about 8 months since we registered into the Holy Grounds and was bound to a life of torture… Now, 2 semesters have passed and it still feels like only yesterday when we first met.

I remember the first day of the second semester. Man, that was pure torture. Can you imagine? About 2 hours of waiting in the stuffy AMF with no air circulation, packed to the brim with students with all the pushing and line-cuts and what not. Fidz, Liyana and me almost died in there. I so was about to pass out. And then when we at last reached the bloody table to retrieve our results, we found out that we were in the wrong lane all the while and so, we had to go back! Damn! But after a while, I opted to leave. It was either us or the results and I for one vote for my own life! If it was my fate to die at that time so be it. But I didn’t want my name to be on the papers with the headlines “Death by the queue for results” or something to that effect.

With that starting of the semester, many other events followed; both good and bad. Of course, the first to follow the AMF incident was the Friendster Bulletin Board thread. That lasted for a long time didn’t it? But damn was it fun to write that stuff. It drove most of my other friends outside UIA up the wall with all the misleading titles. . Of course, my favourite title would be “Batu di Atas Neraka Berdarah”. Hehehehe….. Oh, and not to forget, ‘Sucking Sticks”. And 4 months from then, we are still on the thread thing. But we do start new ones now and again. It just got to long since, well, we just had too much to complain about this place.

We found out that most of us weren’t in the same group. Anis and Liyana were both in different classes while Julia, Zeph , Sarah, Fidz, Aaina and me were in the same group. So we were separated for once, we met only during lunch time and gaps between classes that is if our gaps were at the same time. Heheh… our classes were cool as usual, the core course classes that is. The exceptions are of course the FKM subjects. What? With Ustazah Pathetic Face and Mr. Stumpy, what else would you expect? Mr. Stumpy I can tolerate but the Ustazah? I felt like giving her a piece of my mind but too bad I didn’t get to do that. And damn, I just can’t get the April’s Fool idea Sarah had. She wanted us to parade around in Jubah’s and big tudungs and the like. Man, I really wanna do it! Who’s with me?

But the things we go through to stay alive in this place are enigmatic. It’s a wonder that we came out alive yet again. It’s been 2 semesters since we first registered into the holy Grounds, and here we are, still alive and kicking. Who knows what we are to face in semesters to come? But whatever happens, we have each other right? It’s not like we’re alone in the hardships we face. Sarah and Aaina, you guys know that should any of the things that happened to you guys happen again, we are always here to back you up. Maybe we can’t help that much, but one thing that we can assure you guys or anyone who faces anything at all, no matter whether it is in the H.G or outside, we are always here to support you.

Yup, and then there were the highlights of the semester. What were they….? I really am not so sure but many things have happened this past semester that was really memorable. Oh yeah, Anis and Ash getting together was one. Hmmm…. Zeph’s surprise birthday party was waay funny in the making of it. What? With Julia and me running off to Sect. 14 to get the stuff and getting paranoid that Zeph would be tailing us. Oh, the whole conspiracy in surprising Fidz at her performance in Atria and with the Agent Smith action figure, those proved classic results. There are definitely many more. But being me, Miss Responsible-yet-utterly-forgetful, I have forgotten so many. Add more to the list won’t you guys?

Whatever it is, this semester has been an absolute blast. I loved it. If there’s one thing I’ve gained, I’d definitely say it’s the confidence I lost sometime ago. How did I get it back? Well, I have to say with terrific people standing by me all the time. This semester, despite all the hardships is by far memorable. So, all I have to say to close this semester is: MAY WE ONCE AGAIN (NEXT SEMESTER) RAISE HELL ONTO THE HOLY GROUNDS OF UIA!

Hiya people... I'm still alive and breathing. I'm at Sarah's right now, searching for some stuff on drama while writing in this blog entry. I guess you guys haven’t heard from me in a while. What do you expect? I ain’t got no net at home! I don’t know when my dad will actually activate the phone line so... I'll just have to be patient til then.

Ugh... I hate today's exam. It was so sucky... But then again, the truth was that it was easy, it's just that I didn't bother to study properly thus I didnt get to answer 100 %. But Hell, screw it. It has passed and I soo dont wanna look back on that. Let's just pray that I will at least pass so that I won’t have to repeat the bloody paper again. Drama is in another 2 more days and prose is after.... Hmm... I wonder whether I'll study. I won’t be surprised if I don’t. I mean, I am in Sarah's house, so of course we'll end up talking rather than studying. Alaaa...it's just drama... I'm sure I'll do OK... I hope.

Hmm...at last I wrote the letter I've been wanting to send to my ex... But should I send it? I'm so worried about what his reaction would be. Please give me the strength to do this... It's now or never I guess. Just hope that I'll manage to; cos I really need to. Man, it surprises me just how mushy I can get sometimes. It's kinda weird in ways but what the hey... Once in a while ajee....

Hehehe....man, I just can't wait for the exams to be over. And then I can relax for about a month or so. Too bad I have to spend my holidays in Seremban though... But at least I'll have rest. And God, if i had the net... you would have no bloody idea how crazy I would go. I would probably not sleep even. Hahahaha....and the nearest CC is a Mat Rempit's Hangout place. There's no way in Hell will I go to that place. I'd rather go to the bloody ZC CC!!!!!!!!

Okay...actually I don’t know what to say already. I’ve run out of stuff to tell. Life has been boring... So, until my life gets more eventful, I’ll just have to keep on writing boring blog entries. So til then, keep rocking dudettes!!!!!!! -LinZy-