Sup3rnality

Just some thoughts that have been clouding my mind:

I'm sorry to have to say this, but I need to get out of here. This house, this town. I love my family, and I cannot bear being apart from them for too long. I love my conversations with my mother. I have responsibilities towards my siblings and need to oversee alot of things in their growing up. I may not be close to my father and we don't talk much, but I know that in some ways, he needs me around.

And yet, that doesn't deny the fact that I need to be away from this place very soon. I have never liked living in Seremban. Heck, even as a kid, coming to Seremban filled me with much dread. It didn't matter to me that this is where my dad was born and raised, I just cannot stand this place. When we first moved here in 2003, I refused to come here. Even if I was here, I made my resentment known. I never acknowledged this place as bein my home, just that this is where my family is and thus, where I should be, not where I want to be.

And as much as I want to lazily be here and make up for much lost time with my family, I also feel a strong urge to up and get myself a job. Having spent so much time on campus and hardly any time with my family, I've lost so much in between. Now that I've returned home for real from a very long 5 years, I can see what I've been missing out, and I wish I had the time to sit ack and really appreciated the time before.

But I still find myself wanting to leave now. Get a job, get a place and start figuring life on my own. I guess it's true about what I read in an article in Reader's Digest, it goes something like "The closer you are to your mother the stronger the need to break free". But I wouldn't call it breaking free, it's more like, taking all those things she taught me into the world to see how I fare. To test her wisdom against the world and build my own wings to see if they take off, after being under hers for so long.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm looking for ways to reconcile both. I want to stay but I want to go. I want to stay because I want to be with my family and make up for all those times I've been absent and not miss another important moment. But I want to go and leave this place I feel to estranged in and find my place by myself...

So I'm torn. And my mind is in a dilemma, at a crossroads that I cannot merge into one. Whichever way I go eventually, I'll never totally win, so... Well, we'll see where life takes me.

Love, Lin~