Sup3rnality

I'm back home from Kota Bharu.
There's not much to talk about, to be honest. The stay was much too short to have any noted events that would have warranted a write. It was only a three day stay and even then, some of it were mostly spent on the road. But it was just nice to see the faces of family that I would otherwise only see once or sometimes, twice a year. It's good to see them all happy and well despite the little downturns in life. Of course, other than family, it's good to eat good ol' genuine Kelantanese food...especially nasi belauk for breakfast. Heheh... It's all good, and I wish I could spend more time with them, but well, til the next time I see them, I guess. It was sad to leave this morning, but what is there to do but say goodbye--for now? I can only pray for their good health and wellbeing so I can see them well when I see them next. Til we meet again.

By the way, Happy New Year!

Welcome 2009,
Linzy

I might be going off to my mother's hometown in Kota Bharu, Kelantan today. Knowing my father, he won't tell us what day and what time we will go and just tell us non-chalantly that's we'll be going at (fill in insufficient amount of time to get ready here) and expect us to get ready at the drop of a hat. It grates on my nerves cos my mum and me not only have to pack for everyone, but make sure the house is fit to be left empty for the next few days. It's quite inconsiderate this habit of his.

So I *might* be going off today. I cannot be sure, but I just wanna make sure I record it here, for well, the record. See you soon, all!

I am now 23 years old.

It is the first day of a new semester. A semester that I will not be a part of, other than offering side-line help. And yet, I am going to campus, nonetheless in about 9-10 hours from now. What I will be doing there is:

1. See my Sayang, Ash
2. Clear my fine at the Legal Unit
3. See my Sayang, Ash
4. See my results (finally!)
5. See my Sayang, Ash
6. Do my clearance
7. See my Sayang, Ash
8. See the Twisties
9. See my Sayang, ASh

That pretty much sums all the important stuff. I can't wait to get there.

Love, Linzy~

The weather today has been superfine. The sun was high but not so hot. The sky was clear and not a cloud to darken the mood of such a bright beautiful day. And to top it off, the wind blew steady and cool all day today, demanding submission from the otherwise steadfast trees.

It's just one of those days that was best spent outdoors and enjoying life outside these walls of concrete. Just walk in the brightness and feel the sun on your face and the wind in your hair. It would be perfect.

And yet, I am not granted such freedom to simply step out and bow to impulse. To do something as freeing, has its limitations; thus going against the nature of it. Nature. Everything is so contradictory. But even then, it is a satisfaction in itself to just be able to acknowledge a good day, even if you cannot fully live it.

Ah well, life is as it is. I'm just thankful for today, for the ability to see out my window each morning and greet a new day.

Just some thoughts that have been clouding my mind:

I'm sorry to have to say this, but I need to get out of here. This house, this town. I love my family, and I cannot bear being apart from them for too long. I love my conversations with my mother. I have responsibilities towards my siblings and need to oversee alot of things in their growing up. I may not be close to my father and we don't talk much, but I know that in some ways, he needs me around.

And yet, that doesn't deny the fact that I need to be away from this place very soon. I have never liked living in Seremban. Heck, even as a kid, coming to Seremban filled me with much dread. It didn't matter to me that this is where my dad was born and raised, I just cannot stand this place. When we first moved here in 2003, I refused to come here. Even if I was here, I made my resentment known. I never acknowledged this place as bein my home, just that this is where my family is and thus, where I should be, not where I want to be.

And as much as I want to lazily be here and make up for much lost time with my family, I also feel a strong urge to up and get myself a job. Having spent so much time on campus and hardly any time with my family, I've lost so much in between. Now that I've returned home for real from a very long 5 years, I can see what I've been missing out, and I wish I had the time to sit ack and really appreciated the time before.

But I still find myself wanting to leave now. Get a job, get a place and start figuring life on my own. I guess it's true about what I read in an article in Reader's Digest, it goes something like "The closer you are to your mother the stronger the need to break free". But I wouldn't call it breaking free, it's more like, taking all those things she taught me into the world to see how I fare. To test her wisdom against the world and build my own wings to see if they take off, after being under hers for so long.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm looking for ways to reconcile both. I want to stay but I want to go. I want to stay because I want to be with my family and make up for all those times I've been absent and not miss another important moment. But I want to go and leave this place I feel to estranged in and find my place by myself...

So I'm torn. And my mind is in a dilemma, at a crossroads that I cannot merge into one. Whichever way I go eventually, I'll never totally win, so... Well, we'll see where life takes me.

Love, Lin~

I'm making brownies again today. I've altered the recipe abit to suit my taste. A little less sugar. Some chocolate sprinkles mixed in and all over the top. I'm set for a yummy treat tonight after dinner.

And yet, these little things remind me of you. The sweetness turns bitter after a month of only being able to hear your voice, and not see you or be near you. And it'll be another week; heck, it might be another 2 weeks if plans for Kelantan+Kedah+Penang happens. *sigh* My heart already aches.

It's been so very trying these past month. I've never missed anyone the way I'm missing you. Life before you filled me with an ache that haunted me when I felt alone. And now with you in my life, it aches ever more so knowing I have you but have to be apart for too long.

I can't wait for you to come back.

But come back safe. I'll be waiting no matter what, no matter how long it takes. I love you~

Love, Linzy~

Today had me in need of a sugar rush. Perhaps because my family and I had our first meal of the day quite late, i.e. in the later half of a day; thus I was in need of sugar to translate into energy due to the lack of it. I needed the some sugary confection that would send me into a frenzy of hyperactivity.

And yes I know, my dear Inner Conscience, that I have been gaining weight since the semester ended; but hell, I had a need to be fulfilled. And that need would be in sinful amounts of sugar in a yummylicious form.

Some days ago, Ash just had to call me up to tell me that he was making brownies, knowing full well that I was way on this end of the country and cannot possibly have a try, let alone even catch a whiff of it. You cheeky devil; you owe me made-by-you brownies ^-_-^--> So I got the inspiration to whip up my own batch of brownies to stave of my sugar needs.

Admittedly, I was very malas to get the oven going and bake an actual brownie complete with the works. Furthermore, in my dire need, I needed something and I needed something sweet fast. So I hooked myself online and looked up some microwaveable recipes. Of course, there were so many to choose from, but I chose the one with minimal fuss and muss, and went bounding downstairs to collect my ingredients to get working.

It took me less than an hour to get everything all mixed up in a bowl, poured into a microwaveable container and tossed into the good ol' mikey. And with a turn of a dial, voila, presto, BROWNIES! Ok, ok, not really brownies. The recipe was for an 'Easy Chocolate Brownie Pudding Cake'.

Admittedly, the thing was ugly looking. Well, it was partly pudding, after all. I wanted to take a pic and post up my masterpiece for all to see, but after taking one look at it, I knew the only place where such a sight belonged to would be in some satisfied tummies.

So my siblings and I gathered around the table in all the manner of rabid dogs yet somewhat reverent. My dad is not big with the sweet stuff and my mum only eats it on occasions. So with a slice each, with chocolate sprinkles on top, we dug in.

Oh yeah, I could feel my arteries clogging and my blood caramelizing with just a single bite...but it was good, if I can say so myself. It was enough to tame the sugar monster in me for a while. My brother bantaied 3 slices, while my sister and I had 2 each. By then we were already muak tak terkata. But I was happy, and can now fall asleep happy.

Yumm... By the way, kudos to Chef Fifi for this recipe that gave me a yummy quick sugar fix. The recipe can be found [Here].

Yours Yumminess, Linzy~

The time of the year draws near, in two more weeks, on Christmas to be exact; I'd be turning another year older. Yup, I'll finally be joining the fold and will be turning 23.

And as per usual, like many Christmases before this, when posed the question "What do you want for your birthday?", I am stumped. My usually hyperactive mind screeches to an abrupt stop, turning my expression dumb and spaced. What do I want for my birthday?

I never seem to know what I want. At the risk of sounding incredibly cheesy, I'd like to say I don't really want anything in particular because I have everything that I need. I have a great family, I have my extraordinary Sayang, and wonderful friends. I have comfortable homes, a stable life, and a future to look forward to. I have a good mind, sanity, hope, love and faith. I cannot possibly ask for more.

My parentss are bound to ask me this question and I'd have know idea what to tell them. It bothers me because they'd ask and ask and ask when I have no answer. And if I don't answer, they might just get me something I don't really like...especially my other parents. So it's better that I tell them. But back to my dilemma, what do I want? Sheesh. You might say I am bloody difficult, and maybe I am, or maybe I am just too nice to say 'no' or reject the gifts I do get. So it's better if I just tell them something, yea?

So I've decided to make a whatever list of things that would I would like to have:

• The BodyShop's Christmas range of products ie. body butter, shimmer lotion, body polish


• Books ie. Margaret Atwood, book of poetry, anything Whedonesque


• BtVS comics omnibus


• Acer's One laptop (something my father would usually get)


• Silver jewelry (necklaces/pendants, rings, bracelets)


• A phone that has an mp3 player and a good camera (I miss my N70)


• Take me clothes shopping


• The BodyShop's Amorito EDT


• A good pair of comfortable yet stylish shoes


• Angel Season 1 & 2 DVD sets


• Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog DVD set


• Serenity special edition DVD
• Claddagh jewelry
• Jewelry boxes

So there you have it. If my parentss ask, I'll print this out for them. That would save me from answering questions. Cos, well, like I said, I'm not one for asking for things. Hell, I'd be happy if I even get anything. Gifts and surprises are just wonderful, but really, I have all that I need :)

Love, Hazlin~

This is one of the many artworks my sister has produced within the year. It's nothing great, but for her to meticulously and patiently draw this using 'Paint' and without a mouse, but a touchpad; it is quite a feat to me.

Some people out there are bound to scoff and say something like "So what?", or "It's no big deal", or even possibly say "My sister can do way better than that/My sister could do something like that when she was way younger"; and well, you're just insensitive lowlifes so just back off before I give you a good kicking.

My 11 year old sister is the artist of the family. I am the Linguist and the Literature enthusiast. My brother the facts and history lover. And my sister just lives and breathe art. She's not the best, but she's a quick learner, has an eye for detail, willing to learn, very determined and not afraid to take risks. When at home, you can always catch her drawing or colouring or painting... She just loves expressing herself that way.

Lately, I've been encouraging her to submit her art pieces to deviantART.com. I thought it'd be a good way for her to share her art and receive feedback, either comments that will encourage her further, or suggestions that will help her improve. And on top of that, it will help her share art with people with the same interest as her. I think that it'd be a great way for her to interact by way of doing something that she loves.

So, to anyone who's reading who has a deviantART.com account, I'd appreciate it lots if you could drop by her page and give her some feedback. It'll really make her day and encourage her to cultivate her hobby to become something bigger. Maybe in time it'd give her the motivation to become great artist. Well, as her big sister, I can dream. She's eager to read what people think of her drawings, so do say hey to her if you have an account there on the DA site. No need to mention me, of course; just give her a reason to keep on drawing :)

Thanks!

Visit Haida Aminudin's deviantART page at http://haikami67.deviantart.com

A Proud Sister, Lin~

I was just reclining in bed and just thinking to myself and I had a sudden thought of the things in my history that have shaped the present. I keep saying that I never regret whatever that has happened before, because the person I am now is a result of my past. I then thought that it would be important to record somehow, these histories of mine; especially those minor, mundane details that I might overlook remembering. Maybe one day I'd need to explain to my kids something, and I wouldn't remember its origins...

So here goes, a brief explanation of certain things about me. I suppose I'll be updating the list from time to time, and this list will be evergrowing--I hope. I do tend to be forgetful. Hence, let's begin:

1. Yes, technically, I am Kelantanese. Check my i/c, it has '03' in the middle. But I don't speak the dialect well but understand it because I never lived there. Well, unless you count the first three years of my life, where I was under my (maternal) grandma's care. So, yes, that explains my understanding of the dialect but having a non-verbal manifestation.

2. I grew up speaking English first and foremost, since my parents thought it important for me to know the universal language (my dad somewhat disagreed, though) to broaden my horizons. Turns out, I not only can speak it, but fell in love with it. That's why English is like a native language to me while Malay is like a second.

3. I grew up in a very protective family, particularly my dad, that's why I don't go out much and can actually be contented with that. I love being at home and don't need to go out to have fun. And, I respect my parents alot and thus I know when I should be back, and whatnot. So I resent it when people make fun of me saying I'm boring or am an anak manja and am so scared to leave the house and be separated from my family. I'm very much independent, thank you very much; and I should not be judged by *your* standards.

4. I do not know how to ride a bike because, first of all, I never progressed from trainer wheels, especially since no-one really kept tabs. Also my sense of balance on a bike is non-existent. And then I fell way too many times, one time actually getting my entire leg jammed between the pedal and through the chain. Not to mention having the bike fall on me. I pretty much shied away from then and didn't bother anymore. Besides, with history #3, I'd probably only be circling the porch.

5. I have two sets of parents. No, my parents did not get divorced and remarried, it's just that I was brought up by my parents as well as my aunt (my mother's older sister) and my uncle. We all lived together in Shah Alam, and after a while I called my second set of parents Mum and Dad, as it would seem appropriate. Therefore, eventhough we live separately now, my obligations to them is as though they're my own parents, and I love them dearly.

6. Many wonder why the age gap between my siblings is so wide. Well let me build a bridge over that chasm; my mother had some problems which caused her to be in extreme pain during that time of the month. After the operation, she was told the possibility of having kids is practically nil. But Alhamdulillah, God is Great, and she managed to have two more children some time after. Hence that gap of 10 and 12 years between me and my brother and sister.

Well, that's all I can think of now. I'll surely post more when I think of them.

Love, Linzy~

Your Psyche is Blue

You are deeply emotional and very connected to everything (and everyone) around you. By simply understanding other people, you are able to help them heal and let go. While you are a very deep and thoughtful person, you do have a very silly, superficial side. When you are too blue: the weight of the world's problems hangs over you When you don't have enough blue: you lack perspective and understanding

Posted on my Xanga:

It is a frustration that my Xanga account can hardly load, especially when I need to blog. The weblog editor page loads halfway through, stopping at the 'Audio' tab and then going blank, thus unabling me to continue posting.

Nowadays, with my free time, what with being unemployed and all, I have many thoughts and lotsa time to put these thoughts into words. Nevermind that I sometimes get too tired of composing complex metaphors, I still feel the need to substantiate whatever my abstract thoughts are into some understandable words to a) give them life, b) categorize and organize them, and c) to keep me sane.

Therefore, it gets on my nerves to not be able to just open up the post-an-entry page and just type in something and submit. Even if I did write something beforehand, by the time I actually could post it, it would be outdated and no longer relevant at the time. So you see my annoyance?

So now I've revived my Blogspot account and am moving my entries there. I'm not going to shut down this one, because I honestly like Xanga better than Blosgpot. But for my sanity's sake, I'm gonna have dual accounts. I'll post entries at Blogspot primarily, and when possible, repost them on Xanga. It's very frustrating, because I really hate having to move...It's like moving house. I'm already comfortable and settled in one, but now I have to leave. Well, not wholly; only that this will only be secondary... Ah well.

So, all of you who grace me with your presence now and again (I'm not sure who else reads my blog other than some few friends), please note this change if you see no entries for quite a while. Probably it'll be the that I can't post anything here, and all the entries are on the other one. Thanks~

Below are my blogs' links;

Blogspot: Sup3rnal Thoughts
Xanga: Sup3rnal Thoughts

Love, Lin~

I was going through Blogthings.com and came across this particular quiz. I didn't have to answer any questions other than having to choose a particular picture that I was most compelled to pick.
This one below immediately caught my eye, despite my having to scroll down to see it, hence I saw others before my eyes landed on this. But this one however, just called to me. And I was surprised to see that the results are exactly how I feel; particularly the last paragraph.

My insecurities on a whole, centres around my fear of being rejected, feeling like I'm not good enough. So much so that sometimes I wonder whether people really like or love me, in particular those I am in a relationship with, like how I sometimes feel insecure about my relationship with Ash. I fear that I am not good enough to be loved and cherished, and hence I sometimes am afraid to give my all.

But then, I need people around me to feel like I am worth something; to prove to myself that I am worthy of love and that I am needed. When I was single and when I am alone, and especially at times when I feel insecure, I would inexpicably cry myself to sleep, without really understanding why. And perhaps, I fear the loneliness... Which is a paradox in itself, contradicting my doubts I mentioned before.

But that's how my mind works, and I have to say that I am surprised to have such a simple quiz put that particular frame of my mind in the exact words.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

Malacca was a bust. It wasn't a wonder why we got them free night's stay. The hotel was pretty much run down, with termites eating into most of the woodwork (the second floor had to be closed off cos the wooden railings have been gnawed through), the sheets' cleanliness was questionable and the blankets were thin. And the room was rather tiny, too. My dad said, 'Jom balik', as soon as we got in, thinking we just might as well stay at home. But as my Sayang pointed out, it was still something. Some people would not even have a chance to stay in a hotel; and I agree, cos, well, at least I still have the luxury to compare.

We didn't really do much in Malacca either. Since it is the school holidays and it was a weekend at that, there were many people and their kiddies out and about having a good time; so the roads were jammed, parking lots full and the shopping malls and restaurants were filled to the brim. So we just had a simple dinner at a warung and got back to the room.

I had trouble sleeping that night, as per usual. New place+air conditioning is never a good sleeping companion so I got up several times that night to breathe. I finally got tired enough to doze off around 6am and slept til 8am or so, and then I got up to go for the complimentary brekkie with my mom. Of course, with the hotel being run down, you couldn't possibly expect much from the spread. There were some dry bread with butter and jam, kuey tiaw, roti canai and some sausages. I mean, it was ok, but taste wise left much to be desired... Oh well.

We left right after breakfast. There wasn't much to stick around for, so it was best to just go home. Anyway, Seremban is not that far, so driving back and forth wasn't much of a problem. After buying some McDonald's breakfast, and also two of them Madagascar 2 headbands with ears, we went home; with me wearing Gloria's ears all the way back.

It was just a relief to get back home. It was just home sweet home.